July 2006…

Brian tried. He really did.

After confronting Justin at Emmett and Michael’s place, he threw himself into his work. Spending hours focusing on campaigns helped him forget about his shitty life for a little while. He didn’t want to think about it at all. Although, at night, when he went home alone, when the sheets were so cold under his touch, he’d inevitably feel his heart constricting in his chest. He hated it. He hated the world, but even more, he couldn’t bear the man he’d become. He felt stuck, trapped in a vicious cycle from which he had no idea how to escape. He just had to suck it up and keep going, one day at a time.

Justin didn’t come home for almost three weeks. Brian waited for him, as he’d promised. He stopped going out, except for the occasional drink and fuck at Woody’s. He avoided Babylon. He knew it wouldn’t last, but truthfully, the exhaustion he’d felt for the last few months was catching up with him. He felt drained, empty.

When Justin finally came home from his job interview in Chicago, things didn’t improve much. Learning that Justin could eventually move to another city felt like a punch to his gut, no matter how hypocritical it sounded. Brian was proud of Justin, but he also felt cheated, even if he had no right to be. This was Justin’s future and, considering Brian had done all he could to push him away, he didn’t have any say in this. If Justin wanted to leave to pursue his career, who was he to stop him? He was the guy who had fucked him for the last three years, nothing more.

Fuck, this was such bullshit. His life was a gigantic tangle of insufferable bullshit. Of course Justin wasn’t just a fuck. He was his life, and he hated himself for feeling that way. It only meant that he was even more of a prick than he cared to admit. Who in his right mind didn’t acknowledge a three-year relationship with a man like Justin? Justin deserved everything, and all Brian was capable of giving him was a big nothing. He could only hurt him because he was unable to deal with his own shit.

But he kept trying. Even if Justin’s return was almost as painful as Justin’s absence, because Brian could feel that something was broken between them, he couldn’t let go. How fucked up was that? He could just push him a little more, and he was sure Justin would be on his way to Chicago as soon as he heard that he’d gotten the job. Brian had no doubt that he would nail it. If not, those morons didn’t deserve to have Justin in their firm. Justin was the best -  Brian should know.

Yes, Brian should let Justin go. But fuck if it wasn’t the hardest thing he’d had to do in his life. And every day, he prayed that Chicago wouldn’t call. Just one more day.

Just one more day. Fuck, he was pathetic.

Justin graduated with honors. Of course. Brian celebrated with him and the gang, and for a while it was good. He smiled, peering at Justin laughing with their friends while he swayed on the dance floor, and he pretended for an instant that they were okay, that nothing had changed. Brian joined him and took him in his arms as he lost himself to the thumpa thumpa of Babylon.

Brian knew this sweet reprieve wasn’t meant to last, however. Life had always had a way of fucking him over, like a waterfall dragging him under to its dark and lonely depths. But, for once, he never would have guessed that his last mistake would forever change the course of his life.

At the beginning of July, Brian was just finishing a meeting with his staff when Cynthia announced that Lindsay was there to see him. He looked at his assistant like a deer caught in the headlights as he tried to find an excuse to refuse his friend’s visit, but came up with nothing. He was perfectly aware he was behaving like a first-class asshole - again - by not returning Lindsay’s calls, but he was worried what might come out of his mouth when confronting her for the first time since they’d fucked. It seemed like all the people who mattered to him were slowly but surely giving up on him; thus, while avoidance was not the best course of action, it was the only answer Brian had for handling Lindsay. The truth was, Brian had no clue how to deal with Justin’s feelings about his best female friend without shutting her out. But he didn’t want to shut her out. She’d done nothing wrong. He was the one who had fucked her, even if she’d been a willing, albeit completely wasted, participant.

Seriously, the name ‘Brian Kinney’ should be taught as the perfect definition of the expression ‘what a fucking, shitty mess.’

“Lindsay…” He greeted her impatiently as he walked into the lobby of the agency. She was sitting in a chair, and as she looked up at him he immediately noticed the dark circles under her eyes. “Follow me,” he demanded, not waiting for her to stand up before he headed towards his office.

Lindsay closed his office door behind her after she entered. Brian went to sit behind his desk, gesturing for her to take a seat. She hesitated briefly but finally sat down.

“You look like shit,” Brian stated with a fake smile, leaning back in his chair, one of his feet propped on the edge of his desk.

“I feel like shit,” she immediately countered, making Brian frown. “I need to tell you something.”

“Oh?” Brian feigned disinterest as he straightened up and started tapping on his keyboard. “I’m busy, so please make it quick.” He knew he was being a prick, but now that she was here, this conversation couldn’t be over fast enough to suit him.

“Brian…” she started out quietly, the quiver he heard in her voice making him look up from his screen. Sighing, he stopped typing and gave her a little nod, indicating that he was listening. Taking a deep breath, she eventually disclosed, “The condom broke.”

Brian had imagined Lindsay giving him a sermon about his silence and avoidance. He’d waited for her to yell at him, and remind him what a shit he was for being such a coward. But he’d never - ever - thought about something like this. He felt his blood run cold. The condom broke? That wasn’t possible. He was always so careful with the brand he used. Surely it was a mistake, right? Wait...did that mean he had infected her with something? He’d last had a complete check-up three weeks ago, and he was fine, but was she? “Are you okay?” He suddenly felt himself panicking. “You’re not sick, are you?” He wouldn’t forgive himself if he’d given her something.

“Not…really,” Lindsay stammered, looking straight at him. She finally dropped the bomb. “I’m pregnant.” Brian froze, looking at her as if she had grown two heads. He felt his body filling with unwanted energy, everything but the words she’d said fading around him. When he didn’t respond, she repeated, “I’m pregnant with your child.”

Brian shook his head in denial. “It’s impossible,” he breathed out as he stood up from his chair and started to pace. Lindsay’s eyes followed him, her shoulders tensing.

“Brian…” She finally stood, too, although she didn’t move.

“No.” Brian turned to glare at her and ordered, “You’re going to get an abortion.” This was the only solution he could think of. He desperately needed to figure a way out of this mess.

“What? No!” She looked at him in horror. “No, Brian! I’m not! You can’t make me!”

“I can’t be a father!” Brian shouted back, not caring one bit that the whole company could hear him losing his temper. “I swear to God, Linds, you don’t want to have a child with me. You can’t do this to me!”

“Brian…” She walked closer to him, but he was still so agitated that she had to grip his arms to stop him from moving away. “Brian!” she raised her voice to capture his attention.

He stared at her as if he didn’t know her, a crazed look in his eyes.

“I want to keep the baby. And I want you to agree with my choice. Please...” Lindsay pleaded, tears welling up in her eyes. “I’m scared to death, and Mel is so pissed off, I’m not even sure she will forgive me. I’m alone and I’m drowning, but I can’t get rid of this child. Please, just please, don’t make me do it…”

Brian stared back at her, at the hope he could see in her eyes that he would cave in. But she must know. She had to know he couldn’t agree. The mere idea of having a child terrified him, and he’d always promised himself that he would never accede to having one, no matter the circumstances. Surely she could see that he was not equipped to be a father? And if she couldn’t, then it meant that she shouldn’t be a mother. Who in her right mind would want Brian Kinney as the father of their child?

“No.” The word resonated in the air, cutting into Lindsay like a sharp knife slicing her skin. Brian saw the pain lancing through her entire being at his refusal. He hated himself for that. He loved her and had never meant to hurt her. But then, hurting those who mattered the most to him was his specialty. “I won’t be a father, ever.”

Lindsay looked so hurt that Brian had to tear his gaze away. He went back to his desk and pressed the intercom button. “Cynthia? I want you to call the best clinic for an abortion and make an appointment for Lindsay Peterson.”

Cynthia’s quizzical voice responded, “What did you just say?”

Brian faced Lindsay, not responding immediately. “You heard me. Just do what you’re getting paid for,” he finally replied curtly, before ending the communication. Lindsay peered over at him with a look so full of pain that Brian inwardly winced at the expression on her face. Jesus, he hated himself so fucking much for what he was doing. He affixed Lindsay with an intense stare as he brusquely advised her, “I will call you later with the details.”

“I hate you so much right now,” Lindsay uttered in a shaky voice.

“I know,” Brian’s chest tightened as he put an arm around her. She didn’t resist as he whispered gently, “But I promise you, you will thank me eventually.”

She gazed up at him with so many emotions filling her eyes. “You’re wrong,” she breathed out before breaking their light embrace and walking out of his office.

Brian called Lindsay later that day, leaving a message on her voicemail to inform her that she was scheduled for an abortion exactly a week later, and that he would be there. He spent the night alone, sitting at a bar and trying to keep himself under control. He didn’t fuck random guys; he just drank like a fish all night. And the night after that. And the next one.

He couldn’t face Justin. If he saw him, Justin would immediately realize that something was wrong. He would pry until Brian had no other choice but to tell him the truth, and the brunet couldn’t bear the idea that, once again, his boyfriend would be disgusted with him. In his fucked-up mind, he was sparing Justin from dealing with a mistake that he had to take care of on his own. An inner voice was laughing at him for even thinking that it was a good idea to keep his boyfriend in the dark when they were in such a bad place to begin with, but Brian spent so much time worrying about the consequences of this revelation that he purposely didn’t acknowledge that avoiding Justin could cause even more damage.

Brian wanted the abortion to be over and done with quickly, for him and Lindsay to forget it had ever happened, and for both of them to move on. Justin didn’t have to know the truth.

However, Brian had forgotten to consider that Lindsay was absolutely not okay with his decision. A few days after confronting him, it drove her to the one person she thought could make her baby’s father change his mind.

Justin’s feelings were all over the place after Lindsay’s unexpected visit to their apartment. He tried to call Brian, but the call went straight to voicemail. He paced for an hour before deciding that he’d had enough and grabbed his jacket.

When he realized that he was standing in front of Lindsay’s door, he paused. What the fuck was he doing here? More importantly, why was he here in the first place? He could have confronted Brian at his office, instead of going after Lindsay. But no. Here he was, about to knock on her door and demand answers.

Of course that was why he was here. Living with Brian had taught him one thing. If Brian didn’t want to talk about his feelings, he wouldn’t. He preferred to ignore the elephant in the room, and to pretend. And right now, Justin couldn’t deal with that. He needed more, and he knew Lindsay would tell him the truth because she owed him. She’d slept with his boyfriend for Chrissake. The least she could do was answer his fucking questions.

He raised his hand and knocked on the door. Loud and hard.

“Justin?” Lindsay’s eyes widened when she saw him standing at her door. Taking a step back, she opened the door, a surprised expression on her face, before inviting him to come in.

Justin followed her, noticing she seemed almost pleased that he had come. His brow furrowed at the thought, but he didn’t comment.

“You want something to drink?” Lindsay asked, obviously trying to break the tension filling the room.

“Lindsay…” Justin responded sternly.

She sighed and went to sit on her couch, burying her face in her hands for a few moments. Straightening up, she looked at Justin and declared in a defeated tone, “You must hate me.”

Justin just stared at her. Did he hate her? Really? Truthfully, he had refused to take the time to analyze how he felt about her. Sure, he felt cheated, and he was so fucking angry at her for letting Brian go so far as to fuck her. But hate?

“I don’t hate you,” he finally replied, “Although I’d be lying if I said I’ve forgiven you for what you did. Because I can’t. I’m so fucking pissed at you.”

“Fair enough,” Lindsay nodded. “For all it’s worth, I swear I never wanted any of this to happen. It just…”

Justin didn’t want to hear it. He needed answers. “How?” he cut her off, and looked straight at her, wanting to know how a pregnancy could have resulted from their misstep.

Lindsay peered at him, immediately understanding what he was asking. “The condom broke.”

“How convenient,” Justin barked, unable to react any other way. Because, really, that was it? The condom broke? Did she truly think he was that gullible?

“Justin, I know how it sounds, but I swear it’s the truth. We used a condom.” She stated firmly, wringing her hands.

“How can you expect me to believe you? When all you’ve done is cheat and make my life a living hell?” Justin lashed out, unable to prevent his anger and pain from overwhelming him. “Jesus, Lindsay, do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

“Yes, I know. I know!” Lindsay retorted loudly, standing up to face Justin. “Don’t you think that I regret it, too? My life is a wreck, Justin! I’m going to lose Melanie, and Brian, and you, and he wants me to get an abortion, and I don’t...”

“What did you just say?” Justin cut her off once more. “He wants what?”

“Didn’t you talk to Brian?” Lindsay inquired with a snort. “He doesn’t want to hear about that baby. He made an appointment for me to terminate the baby!” She broke down at the words, slumping back onto the couch as she started crying.

Oh my God, Brian… That was the reason why Justin had barely seen Brian all week. Brian had decided to take care of this and, of course, he’d insisted that Lindsay give up on her hope of welcoming a child into her life. Justin knew how Brian felt about paternity. He also didn’t have to be a genius to understand why Brian had never wanted to be a father in the first place, not when he had such a terrible example of his own. Jack Kinney had done so much damage to his son. Brian now couldn’t fathom the idea of becoming a dad, having the power to hurt his own child, and in his mind he would hurt him in the end, wouldn’t he?

Christ...

It was all wrong, all so fucking wrong. Once more, Brian was letting his demons dictate his actions, his own fears taking control and guiding him towards more pain and regret. How could he not see that? Brian was one of the smartest men Justin had ever encountered, but conversely, he was also one of the most unstable, stupid, and arrogant men when he was pushed into a corner. He needed to grow up and to grow out of the fears that controlled his life.

“You’re going to let him?” Justin asked, astounded. “You’re just going to let Brian make the decision for both of you?”

“I…” Lindsay scrutinized him with tears in her eyes. “I don’t know what to do,” she finally conceded. “I don’t even know if I can support a child on my own. Sure, I have a job, but I’m scared at the thought of doing this alone. What if Mel doesn’t come back? What if Brian cuts me out of his life? What then? I’ll be a single mother, and I don’t know if I can do it, Justin. I just don’t know,” she shared, her voice shaking.

Justin let out a heavy sigh. No matter how pissed off he was at her right now, he also couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. He walked over to her and sat by her side. Rubbing his face, he finally declared, “Lindsay...if you want to keep the baby, I’ll help you.”

“You will?” She echoed, staring up at him, her hope reflected in her gaze.

Justin nodded, as he clarified, “I’ll talk to Brian.” Gazing at her, he saw the question in her eyes, and hastily added, “Don’t think I’m doing it for you, because I’m not. You betrayed me.”

Lindsay sighed, looking down at her fingers. “I understand.”

“But if you want to keep the baby, I think you should. Brian must be afraid of becoming a father, but forcing you into an abortion is an even shittier thing to do.” Justin declared, the exhaustion he was feeling over the whole situation overpowering him, too. “Fuck!” he cursed as he rubbed his face some more.

“For what it’s worth, I’m…” Lindsay began, but Justin cut her off, raising his hand to stop her from finishing her thought. He knew she wanted to apologize, to explain why Brian and she had destroyed the confidence Justin had held that something like this could never happen, because they were supposed to respect and love each other, right? It seemed he had been damned wrong about that, too. Fuck, he was so tired of being pulled asunder by Brian’s reckless behavior. So fucking tired.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Justin announced as he stood up. “When I walk out the door, you and me, we’re over. Sure, I will talk to Brian, and I will do all I can to make him realize he is the most stupid, selfish, immature asshole on this planet, and that, once again, he is making a huge mistake, but you know what? It won’t be his last mistake. No. Because he can’t fucking deal with his shit like a normal human being. He has to become this fucking caricature who pushes his friends away, pushes his fucking family away, and backs me into a corner. And you know the worst part? I’m as stupid as he is, because I’m still here!” he shouted, his voice having risen as he spat out the words, realizing how utterly fed up he was with everything.

Lindsay’s eyes went wide as she listened to Justin raging about Brian. “You know he loves you,” she weakly tried to defend her friend, but that angered Justin even more.

He barked out a cynical laugh that was full of disdain at her words. “I don’t need your pity!” he snarled at her with a murderous glare, before turning on his heels and heading towards the door.

“Justin, wait!” Lindsay’s voice echoed behind him, but he didn’t stop. He couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He could feel himself tearing up; angry, hopeless tears which were threatening to fall, but he refused to cry. He wiped them away as he walked out the door and fled from this nightmare.

The universe had always loved to revel in a good laugh at the expense of mere, insignificant mortals like him, Justin thought.

After he’d left Lindsay’s place, he had walked aimlessly, not sure about his destination. He’d felt his phone vibrating several times in his pocket, but he’d ignored it and kept walking. Arriving on Liberty Avenue after approximately an hour, he’d gone to the diner and sat at the counter.

Debbie wasn’t there. Justin didn’t know whether he was relieved or not at being unable to talk to her, but it was just as well. He didn’t have a clue about how he really felt, except that he was tired. Plain and simple.

Remembering the missed calls, he took out his phone and checked his messages. The first one was from Michael, suggesting a night out with everyone and asking if he and Brian would be there. Justin snorted at the words ‘he and Brian.’ It was so easy for everyone to consider them an item, when Justin felt very much alone and so alienated from his boyfriend.

The second message made Justin pause. As he listened to the female voice informing him that they’d like to hire him as an Assistant Graphic Designer, and ‘could he please let them know in the next couple of days if he was still interested in the position,’ he froze.

Fuck. The job.

Yes; the universe was so laughing at him right now.

Brian showed up at 10 p.m. that night. He’d spent all day in meetings and catching up with some paperwork. When he’d finally finished, it was past 9:30 p.m., but he was too exhausted to go out. He could feel an emerging headache trying to invade and, even though he was dreading going home, he decided to take his chances. It had been four days already since Lindsay’s visit, and considering Brian had avoided Justin ever since, he surmised his partner must be angry with him. He couldn’t afford to piss him off even more.

When he walked in, the apartment was quiet. Too quiet. The only proof of Justin’s presence was the dim light illuminating the living room as well as an empty plate left carelessly on the kitchen counter. Brian finally turned around and peered towards the couch, discovering a silent Justin just sitting there, seemingly staring into space, lost in thought.

Brian sensed that something wasn’t right. Justin didn’t acknowledge him in any way. The brunet frowned as he retrieved his jacket, placing it carefully over the back of a nearby chair.

“I got a call from Chicago,” Justin’s voice suddenly broke the deafening silence.

“Oh?” Brian responded carefully, waiting for Justin to elaborate.

Justin stayed silent. Brian cleared his throat, feeling more and more uncomfortable with each passing second. Figuring that Justin wouldn’t say more if he didn’t ask, he inquired as nonchalantly as possible, “So...what’s the verdict?”

“Do you care?” Justin spat at him, finally gazing up.

“Would I ask you if I didn’t?” Brian retorted curtly, not liking one bit how distant Justin was acting.

“I don’t know. Would you?” Justin asked with an impassive stare.

Brian felt himself getting defensive. “Cut the crap, Justin. I’m not in the mood,” he snarled as he went to retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge.

Justin chuckled sarcastically, shaking his head. He looked pissed. “You’re not in the mood…” he repeated.

Brian approached the blond as he gulped some water from the bottle in one hand, loosening his tie with the other. “What is biting your ass today? Did they turn you down or something?”

“I saw Lindsay today,” Justin revealed calmly, not reacting to Brian’s harsh tone.

Brian felt cold all of a sudden. He stared at Justin, who was now glaring right at him, his blue eyes revealing the ugly truth that Brian had wanted to hide from him at all costs. Shit.

“And so what?” Brian retorted cynically as he put down the bottle of water on the counter, not ready yet to admit defeat, even less to make amends. Lindsay’s pregnancy was his business, not Justin’s. It wasn’t the blond who had been pushed into a corner by this unexpected revelation. Who was Justin to judge him? “She told you, didn’t she?” Brian grated out as he reached to retrieve a cigarette from his briefcase. He needed a smoke so badly.

“Yeah, she did. Why didn’t you tell me about this yourself?” Justin demanded as he stood up to go after Brian.

“Because it’s none of your fucking business?” Brian questioned ironically, turning around to confront his lover, his eyes cold. “Just stay out of it!” he finally snarled.

“No!” Justin shouted. Brian tried to bypass him, but Justin pushed him back. “This has to stop, Brian! You can’t keep shutting me out every time you feel cornered, or guilty, or whatever bullshit emotion you hate to face! You can’t...you can’t ask her to have an abortion just because you’re scared shitless!” Justin stated agitatedly, as Brian evaded him and walked back toward the living room. Justin went after him, shouting, “This is your chance, Brian; can’t you see it? Do you know how many gay men dream of becoming a father? How precious welcoming a child can be? I know you didn’t plan for any of this to happen, but you have to stop letting your fears dictate your actions if you don’t want to lose everything, because I assure you, you will regret it for the rest of your life!” Justin tried desperately to make Brian see how wrong he was.

Brian crushed out his cigarette in the nearby ashtray as he turned back, growling, “You’re my conscience now?” He hated that Justin’s words had hit so close to home. Still, Justin was wrong on one count. He would never regret his decision not to become a father. Fathers were useless, fucking pieces of shit. Seriously, how could Justin not see that? How could Justin think for one fucking second that he would change his mind, when he knew firsthand how badly he had been hurt by his own father? Brian’s dad, Justin’s, Michael’s, Emmett’s, even Jesse’s, Brian didn’t know a single parent who had not damaged his kids, leaving them, disowning them, or even worse. Lindsay wanted to play Mom and Dad? Well, not with him. Never with him.

“No, I’m not. I’m the man who is trying to prevent you from making a huge mistake!” Justin responded with a toss of his head. As Brian glared back at him, he realized that Justin’s eyes were devoid of anger, a wounded, but also worried look now reflecting from those blue orbs instead.

Brian couldn’t bear Justin’s gaze, hating to be the cause of his lover’s concern. And yet, an inner anger filled his veins, too, overshadowing everything else. Who was Justin to judge him? How could he imagine that he would be okay with this? Pushing him to be a father? Brian had shared his feelings about Jack with Justin more than with everybody else. His lover had even accompanied him to see Jack several times in the past three years. Justin knew, he fucking knew that Brian couldn’t do this. How could he not? How could he...betray his trust like that?

Fuck him. “A mistake? This is NOT a mistake! You don’t know shit, Justin. But you have to try and save ‘poor little Brian’,” he spat the last words in a high, almost childish voice before turning to glare at his partner. “Just stop trying to be my moral compass!” he concluded angrily, his voice breaking, the turmoil of emotions whirling around inside him too fucking strong for him not to lose it.

Justin hadn’t moved and kept gazing at him so intently that Brian felt like he was suffocating. He needed to get out of there. He turned on his heels, ready to walk out the door, but his lover’s desperate voice stopped him dead.

“I love you!”

Jesus Christ.

Brian’s chest squeezed so badly, hearing those words which shouldn’t have hurt so much. But right now, everything hurt. Justin was trying so hard to make him do what he thought was the right thing. Brian could hear all the anguish, the pain, the desperation in those three little words, but he couldn’t listen anymore.

Justin should have known Brian couldn’t go through with it. He should have supported his decision. Brian was convinced Justin saying that he loved him was just a last-ditch attempt to provoke a reaction, maybe even for him to return his feelings, as if love could heal everything. But love was a farce. Brian loved Justin, but he couldn’t stop hurting his lover. Brian’s parents were supposed to love him, but they made him bleed instead. Jesse had been one of his best friends for years, but in the end, he had rejected him without a second thought. And now, Justin claimed that he loved him, but he wanted him to deny everything he believed in by agreeing to become a father.

Brian felt an inner rage invading him. “You love me? Haven’t I taught you anything?” He spat the cruel words with as much scorn as he could as he faced his lover. “Love is a farce, Justin. A fucking farce! People use love to make you think you’re going to be okay, with a happy life and promises of a wonderful future. But you know what? It’s utter bullshit! Because a life of pain is the only thing you’ll have if you let anyone get close to you!”

Justin stepped back as if Brian had really punched him in the face. Brian couldn’t move, though. He just stood there, glaring at his lover, the words he’d just uttered actually proving his point. But he couldn’t, he couldn’t take them back.

Brian had won. He saw the exact moment when Justin’s pain turned into an uncontrollable rage. “Fuck you, Brian! Fuck you for being an insufferable piece of shit, unable to grow up! I might love you, but I also hate you, you hear me? I fucking hate you!” Justin yelled back, his heart shattering.

Brian’s brain shut down then as he glared at Justin with blazing eyes. “You hate me? Why don’t you just fuck off, then? I don’t need you in my life, don’t you understand? I was perfectly fine before I met you, and I sure as hell don’t need a fucking nursemaid to tell me how to live, or to force me to father a child! You, above everyone else, knows perfectly well that I can’t, so what the fuck are you trying to prove by betraying me like this?” He screamed, not even aware that his body was reacting to his inner rage, his fingers now firmly curled up into the palms on his hands. He wanted to punch something so badly.

Justin snorted derisively at Brian’s diatribe. “Seriously? You think I’m the one betraying you by not supporting you and your fucking fears when all you’re capable of is acting like a complete shithead?” he barked cynically, but his face was devastated by the anger, pain and betrayal he could feel, too.

Brian raised his eyebrows mockingly, before glaring some more at his lover. His gaze was cold, so fucking cold, as he began, “What I think is none of your concern. But don’t worry, I heard you loud and clear. Now, if you’ll excuse me, this ‘shithead’ is out of here!” He screamed the last words angrily. “And if you’re smart enough, which I highly doubt, you will just get off my back and leave me the hell alone!” he concluded, as he took a few steps towards the front door. He stopped one last time to peer at his lover, all the fury he was feeling reflecting in his eyes, before he finally stormed out of the apartment.

“Fuck you!” Justin cried, angry tears running down his cheeks as Brian left. He was breathing hard, feeling like his body was splintering into little pieces. “Just fuck you…” his voice broke as he stood frozen in shock in the empty apartment. He could feel tears escaping, but he couldn’t feel anything else. It was as if a numbness had taken hold of him, as if the words exchanged between him and Brian had destroyed everything he had once believed in, his mind trying to make sense of it all, although it was useless. There was nothing left to make sense of now.

It was over. They were over. Justin couldn’t believe how far they’d gone, but he knew they’d both crossed a line from which they couldn’t return, even if he doubted Brian had realized that there was no turning back from this.

More unwanted tears were threatening to fall at the thought, but Justin didn’t give in to them. Truthfully, he was breaking apart inside, but at the same time, he felt just...empty. The sad part was, Justin had meant every word he’d said when he had lashed out at Brian. He loved him with all his heart, but he also hated the man he’d become, a man who couldn’t deal with his fears and didn’t care about anything but his own fucked-up feelings. Brian’s demons ran too deep, and it devastated Justin because they had won. He wasn’t strong enough to beat them.

Justin’s love wasn’t enough. That realization hurt him more than a bat to his head, but he couldn’t deal with those feelings anymore, so he shut them down. The decision was easy to make after that.

Once he’d made up his mind, Justin couldn’t leave fast enough. He needed to put as much distance between himself and Brian as he could. Fuck, he hated Brian so much for making him voice those awful truths, and pushing him to the breaking point. As he gathered his things, everywhere his eyes landed, he saw memories playing out before him, memories of a time when he’d been happy with Brian, and that made him ache even more.

He left the apartment, realizing that he hadn’t even informed Brian that he’d nailed the job. Well, maybe it was for the best. Justin would call Emmett, and his friend would relay the news.

It was unreal, though. Justin couldn’t even say goodbye to anyone. It was too hard. So, he left and went straight to the airport, with no other plans than to hop on a plane and never look back.