November 2005…

After that visit to see Jesse at the hospital, Brian avoided everyone. During the couple of days that followed, he went to work in the morning and came home every night after midnight, without uttering a word.

On Thursday night, Justin couldn’t take it anymore, so when Brian came home earlier than expected he confronted him about his feelings, pushing him to talk and even threatening to leave him when that didn’t work, hoping to trigger some kind of reaction. When Brian merely stared at him before grabbing some clothes and walking out the door, the blond was shocked but too dumbfounded to react.

Brian didn’t come home that night. In fact, he disappeared for four days.

On Saturday, when Justin entered the diner, he could feel the patrons’ gazes on him and hear their whispering. As he joined Michael, Emmett, and Ted, who were already sitting in a booth at the back of the diner, one look at his friends and he immediately knew that he wouldn’t like what he was going to learn.

Unfortunately, Brian’s exploits were the latest, hottest gossip on Liberty Avenue. While he had already been famous for his ‘fuck them and leave them’ philosophy, it was nothing compared to what was happening now. Let’s just say that the word ‘promiscuous’ was barely adequate to describe Brian’s new life.

In the succeeding weeks, Justin tried to talk to Brian about it. He tried everything he could think of. The soft approach. Yelling. Hell, he even cried once. But while Brian could obviously hear what Justin was saying, he refused to listen to him. It was as if he had lost the ability to act like a normal human being and to connect with his emotions. In fact, he looked like a fucking zombie most days, acting on autopilot, and not giving a shit about anything or anyone. As if it was too hard to feel, and easier to run away.

Justin wondered how long he would be able to handle it. He was human, after all, and even if he loved Brian with all his heart, what if it wasn’t enough in the end? What then? Was he going to stay and let his lover drown them both? Would Brian finally wake up and stop punishing himself? Stop punishing every person who loved him?

The worst part was that Justin couldn’t find anyone to blame. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He blamed Spencer. He hated him so much for all the pain he had inflicted upon his friends. Maybe it was wrong of him to feel that way, considering the man was sick and couldn’t be held responsible for his actions. Yet, a mental illness didn’t erase the fact that he had planned to kill Brian, and the weight of that truth had destroyed any compassion he might have felt for the man under other circumstances. Justin didn’t care that it wasn’t the man’s fault. For him, Spencer was to blame. And the hatred he felt was so powerful it scared him sometimes.

And then, there was Jesse. At first, Justin wanted to be angry at him. He was so pissed when he realized that whatever had happened in that room between Brian and Jesse had led the man he loved to slowly drink, drug, and fuck in an effort to push his pain away. That’s why he stormed into the hospital a few days later, set on talking some sense into Jesse. He was ready to confront him, and force him to listen to him. But his hope was dashed as soon as he saw Aaron walking out of the room.

When Aaron saw him, he immediately understood from Justin’s determined step and expression that the young man was on a mission. Consequently, Aaron had no other choice but to stand in his way and stop him from entering Jesse’s room.

“If you think you’re going to see him while feeling like you do, think again,” Aaron stated curtly, without giving Justin a chance to object.

“I need to see him.” Justin ignored Aaron’s warning and tried to move past him, but the man stopped him, grabbing his forearms and forcing him to step back. “Aaron, let me in,” he insisted, as he felt his anger increasing.

“No,” Aaron flatly refused, as he walked Justin backwards, trapping him against the nearest wall. “If you have something to say to Jesse, you will say it to me. Because whether you want to believe it or not, he is NOT in any shape to listen to you right now.”

“Fuck you!” Justin pushed Aaron away, placing his hands against the man’s chest, but he didn’t try again to force his way into Jesse’s room. He shook his head several times and finally stated, “You can’t tell me what to do. I have to talk to Jesse.”

“You can’t,” Aaron refused again.

Something in the tone of his voice made Justin pause, but he decided to ignore it for now as he retorted bitterly, “Says who? You?”

“Justin…” Aaron pronounced his name and this time, Justin couldn’t ignore the crack in his voice. “Jesse is in a bad place right now. His blood pressure is too high, and he is suffering with severe headaches. He could even have a stroke. His body isn’t adjusting well to his physical limitations. So, no; he can’t listen to you. Literally. Do you get it or not?” By now, he was losing his usual composure, his deep concern and pain evident to anyone who might have been listening to their conversation.

“Fuck,” Justin not-so-eloquently replied as he stepped sideways, peering at Jesse’s door and feeling a rush of anxiety running through him, too.

Aaron sighed, passing his hand nervously through his hair. He leaned against the wall, his head back, and Justin stayed silent as he waited for him to speak again. After a minute, and when he was sure Justin wouldn’t try anything else to make him change his mind, Aaron eventually commented, “I could use some coffee right now.”

Justin agreed with a small nod, while staring at Aaron’s dark circles under his eyes. “When was the last time you slept, anyway?” he inquired.

Aaron merely shrugged and didn’t respond, as he began to walk towards the elevators. Justin followed him, and they waited in silence for the lift, both lost in their own thoughts. A few minutes later, they sat down in the hospital’s cafeteria, each holding a cup of coffee in their hands.

Sitting there, the natural sunlight shining through the windows and defining Aaron’s haggard features, Justin was made even more aware of his haggard appearance. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned.

Aaron snorted. “Could be better.”

“Sorry. Stupid question.” Justin rubbed the back of his neck before gazing down at his coffee and playing with his plastic spoon. “Do you need any help with… anything?” he couldn’t help but ask as he peered over at Jesse’s lover, even if he knew that he would probably turn him down.

Aaron shrugged. He gazed away. “I just…I don’t know what to do. Jesse is so… he is depressed and angry and I’m trying, you know, I’m really trying, and I’m just…”

“Hey,” Justin leaned across the table and squeezed Aaron’s hand briefly, effectively cutting him off, before releasing his grip. “You’re doing everything you can.”

“It’s not enough,” Aaron countered immediately and blinked, obviously trying not to lose it. He really was exhausted, in more ways than one.

“You’re wrong.” Justin insisted firmly, waiting for Aaron to look at him as he added, “You’ve put your whole life on hold for him. And you’re here every day, supporting him, caring about him...loving him. You’re the reason why he is hanging on right now.”

“You think?” Aaron replied with a bitter laugh. “Because from where I stand, there is not a lot I can do to make him feel better.”

“Don’t lose hope. And don’t forget that you’re the only one he allows to be close to him. That should tell you something.” Justin tried to reassure him as best as he could. Honestly, Aaron was blind if he couldn’t see that his presence was helping Jesse more than anything else, even if Jesse still had a long road to recovery ahead of him.

Aaron stared at his coffee and began to roll the cup between his hands. He finally drank a sip, grimacing at its bitterness, but took another one nonetheless. “I tried to talk to him about Brian,” he revealed out of the blue.

“You did?” Justin questioned with a frown.

Aaron nodded. “I know Jesse pushed him away. He didn’t tell me exactly what he said, but he didn’t need to. When Brian came to visit him, he was…” Aaron rubbed his forehead and let out a heavy sigh. “He needs someone to blame and to lash out against, and he chose Brian,” he eventually declared, shaking his head and leaning back against his chair.  He sighed. “I’m sorry about this; I really am. And I know you want me to make him change his mind, but I’m afraid it’s not going to happen.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Jesse…” Aaron began, “...is in a ‘loop’. It’s like he can’t see any other truth than his own at the moment, and considering how depressed and angry he feels, I assure you it’s a bad, bad place to be. And more than anything else, there are his health issues to consider, and frankly, it’s too much for him to handle right now. He needs to focus on nothing except breaking out of this funk he’s in, and getting better. And by that I mean accepting that his condition could be permanent and that it’s not the end of the world. Staying alive and not letting himself just survive. Hell, staying alive and not having a stroke because of this fucking autonomic dysreflexia is all I’m asking for right now…” Aaron took a deep breath at that point and pinched his lips before continuing, “I’ve accepted his condition and have assured him like a thousand times already that my feelings for him won’t ever change, but Jesse is still fighting me, refusing this new reality. He hasn’t accepted what has happened to him. He is keeping everyone at arm's length; even his own brother can’t get through to him. In a way, it’s like he can’t move on. And unfortunately, that’s also why he can’t deal with Brian.” He paused, before concluding, “And no offense, but for now, I’d prefer that he focus on his health, rather than making peace with your boyfriend.”

Justin stayed silent after Aaron’s diatribe. He wanted to deny his words and insist on how important it was for Jesse to ‘forgive’ Brian. In a way, Justin was sure it was. Maybe then, Jesse would be able to accept what had happened to him and deal with it in the best way possible. Sure, becoming a paraplegic because he had protected a friend completely sucked, but he was still alive. And who knew what tomorrow had in store for him? Maybe he didn’t want to believe, but then his friends, his family, would believe for him until he could. They would be with him every step of the way, until he rediscovered what he had lost. His will to smile, to live. That is, if Jesse let them, and if he let Brian come back into his life.

Still, now was not the time to convince him that he was making the wrong choice. Jesse needed to focus on his health. If his life was still in danger because his body refused to adjust to the lack of movement and sensation, then making peace with his best friend wasn’t his first priority. Staying alive was. Justin wished he could do more for Jesse, though. But he was still grateful that his friend had allowed Aaron to stay by his side, even if he was obviously shutting everyone else out , including Brian; especially Brian.

“Aaron,” Justin spoke after a long pause. “Just so you know...if you or Jesse needs anything, anything at all, I’m here. We’re all here.”

“Thanks,” Aaron nodded, understanding what Justin was really trying to convey.

Michael, Emmett, Ted, Debbie, Lindsay, and Brian all loved Jesse and wanted to be there to support him, no matter what. Justin discerned the ghost of a smile on Aaron’s lips at Justin’s words, and he prayed that Jesse would be better soon. What he was going through was unfair, the result of one man’s insanity. Unfortunately, there were ugly people in this world, but Justin took solace in thinking that there also were beautiful, extraordinary men and women whose paths he would cross during his lifetime. For instance, Aaron hadn’t hesitated in giving up everything for Jesse. He was a freelance webmaster, so he could work from any place, really, but still, Justin knew he’d had to rearrange his life to be by Jesse’s side as much as he was. Men like him gave Justin the hope he needed to believe that they would all have their happy ending one day.

Refocusing his thoughts on the moment, Justin noticed that Jesse’s lover was staring at him. Several seconds passed before Aaron finally asked, “How is he?”

“Brian?” Justin questioned. Aaron nodded. “He is…”

Trying to turn his pain into nothingness, to become numb, Justin wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come out.

Aaron must have seen something on Justin’s face, however, because he declared, “I will try… I’m not making any promises, but I will try talking to Jesse, only not till the time is right, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin approved with a nod.

Justin’s hope would be fulfilled in the end. Jesse would eventually realize how wrong he’d been to blame his best friend for his paralysis. In fact, he would realize a lot of things when the time came. However, it would take him years to learn from his mistakes, and even longer to fix them.

Although Justin didn’t know it yet, nine long years would pass before Jesse and Brian would see each other again.

January 2006...

Aaron felt almost hopeless. He wasn’t giving up, but he didn’t know what to do to help his lover. Jesse’s autonomic dysreflexia had been brought under control, and he had been transferred to a rehabilitation center in late November, but he was still experiencing  physical distress. That was partly because Jesse was resisting the therapy that would gradually increase his range of motion, and let him act for himself rather than depending on others. He was still unwilling to accept that he could no longer use his legs, and Aaron didn’t know how to deal with the anger that was eating Jesse from within, erasing his hope and his usual fighting spirit. It was like the man he loved was slowly disappearing before his eyes, with Aaron a helpless bystander.

“You have to let them help you, Jesse,” Aaron told him one day, when Jesse had yet again refused to join the group therapy. They were in his room. Jesse was sitting in a wheelchair by the window, while Aaron was standing behind him.

“Who? The doctors? The physical therapists? The fucking shrinks? You?” Jesse snarled, gazing sideways before rolling the wheelchair around to face Aaron. “Don’t you understand? I want you, all of you, to leave me alone! What’s the point in trying to regain any feeling in my legs when I already know it’s pointless?”

“How can you know? Are you a fucking psychic now?” Aaron spat back. He was tired of Jesse’s dour, gloom-and-doom attitude. Since his lover had been brought here for his rehabilitation, Aaron had met other patients, patients who were fighting to get better, who weren’t complaining all the time, and - most of all - who had showed him that Jesse could live. He could fucking live, have a life, a good, happy one, if only he would try and stop letting his depression dictate his will.

Jesse just looked away at Aaron’s words. When he spoke again, his voice was quieter, but the sorrow was definitely there. “I can feel it in my guts, Aaron. All the medical staff is trying to sell me is bullshit.”

“So, that’s it. You’re going to lie in a bed or sit a wheelchair all day and do nothing?” Aaron couldn’t help but bark. How could Jesse not realize how wrong he was? Where was the man Aaron loved so much?

“I didn’t say that,” Jesse denied, without looking Aaron in the eyes.

“Look at me,” Aaron demanded quietly. “Fucking look at me,” he repeated firmly, as he went to kneel in front of Jesse. “You’re going to get through this.” Jesse averted his gaze, but Aaron forced him to return his stare by grabbing his chin and tilting it toward himself. When Jesse finally peered up, Aaron declared, “We’re going to get through this. If I have to move us to another country to make that happen, I will. I know you don’t believe you can get any better, so I will believe for both of us until you can believe it, too. And when you do, I’ll still be there by your side. Do you understand me?” Aaron finished his tirade by letting his hand fall onto Jesse’s. His lover looked down and immediately slipped his fingers through Aaron’s.

“It’s so hard, Aaron,” Jesse confessed, his anger dissipating while he fought not to break down. “I don’t know if I can do it.”

“You can. I know you can.” Aaron raised his hand to caress Jesse’s cheek.

“I want to leave, Aaron. I can’t stay here. I can’t... I…”

“If you want to leave, we will leave. Your doctor actually told me about a rehabilitation facility in Baltimore which could be great for you. Maybe a change of scenery would help,” Aaron suggested. Maybe Jesse needed it. Sometimes, a complete change in a person’s environment could help them move past a traumatic event, right? “Think about it, okay?”

“You would come with me?” Jesse asked, and Aaron nodded. “You would leave everything? For me?”

“Have you ever doubted it? Which part of ‘I love you’ don’t you understand?” Aaron replied with a soft smile.

Jesse felt a knot forming in his throat. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve such a devoted boyfriend, one who would stay by his side no matter what. Even if he wanted to fight Aaron and push him away in an attempt to give him his freedom, he knew he wouldn’t succeed, that Aaron wouldn’t let go. His lover was the only thing in his life that felt right and, truthfully, if he lost him, too, he felt like he wouldn’t survive. Aaron had instilled the tiniest hint of hope deep inside Jesse that maybe, just maybe, he could overcome the loss of his legs and still lead a meaningful, productive life. He just had to hold onto that hope, and believe that it would be enough.

“I love you,” Jesse breathed out. “Fuck. I love you,” he repeated, overwhelmed by the whole conversation and the depth of emotion in his lover’s voice.

Aaron smiled at him softly and raised his hand again to caress Jesse’s face. “We will get through this,” he stated firmly, earning a small smile to appear on his lover’s lips.

And for now, yes;  it was enough.

March 2006…

The ringing of the doorbell resonated in the air as Michael walked hurriedly into the diner. Rain was pouring down outside, amplifying his already bad mood. Michael plopped himself into the booth with a heavy sigh.

“Bad day at the store?” Emmett inquired as he peered over at his frowning friend while stirring his own lukewarm chocolate.

“I wish,” Michael responded as he shrugged out of his wet coat and took off his scarf. Then he tried to get the intention of the busboy, but the twenty-something redhead was dealing with too many orders at once, and rushing between the kitchen and the patrons, trying to keep everyone satisfied. Frustrated, Michael barked, “Can we get some service here?”

“Michael!” Emmett admonished, observing that his friend seemed pissed off. “Don’t talk to poor Ryan like that! You’ve barely been here for five seconds!”

“I just want some Coke! Is it too much to ask?” Michael insisted.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong, baby? Maybe I can help,” Emmett offered, sensing that his friend needed to get out whatever frustration he was dealing with right now.

“Why do you think anything is wrong?” Michael weakly denied.

Emmett responded with a raise of his eyebrow. “Well, you barge in here, don’t even say ‘hello,’ and start yelling at Ryan for no good reason. Obviously, something is wrong.”

Michael took a deep breath. “I just got off the phone with Justin.”

“Ahhh. So this is about Brian, right?” Emmett surmised, not surprised that his former roommate was yet again the subject of everyone’s anger and concern. Truthfully, he was really worried about him, too. To say that Brian had taken Jesse’s rejection hard would be a huge understatement. Emmett had even tried to intervene a couple of weeks ago, after he had seen Brian flirting with a drug dealer at Babylon. He had been completely wasted and high, in such a state that even Emmett had been scared, the remembrance of another time when Brian had lost his family immediately coming to mind. What if his friend went too far? He couldn’t just sit by and watch Brian destroy himself and do nothing. So he had invited him over the next day, pretending to need a fake advertizing tip, and he had tried to interrogate him subtly on his feelings. Obviously, it hadn’t worked. Brian was too smart not to understand where Emmett was going with his ‘subtle’ questions, and he had smirked at him with that all-knowing, smug smile he could plaster on his face sometimes, before calling him a princess and leaving for another night of excess. From the look of it, it hadn’t been the last time, however. Knowing his past history, then, Emmett finally asked, ”What has he done this time? Or maybe I should ask, what hasn’t he done?”

Michael snorted, rubbing his face nervously. He, too, had had to deal with Brian’s destructive behavior since Jesse’s rejection of their friendship. Not only that, but he was also trying to support Justin as much as he could, reassuring him that Brian’s spiral into the world of chemicals and booze was only temporary. But who was he kidding? The only time Michael had seen Brian acting like this had been after his family’s death. And, then, it had been Jesse who had finally succeeded in bringing him back. Michael was terrified that he wouldn’t be able to get through to Brian now that Jesse was the cause of Brian’s withdrawal. If Justin couldn’t reach Brian, either, and - even worse - if his lover actually got too tired to try any longer and finally decided to leave, what would happen to Brian? It was an endless cycle, one from which Michael didn’t know how to escape.

Deep down, Michael was scared shitless for Brian. He was also worried that Justin would be hurt even more than he already had been. And he was feeling helpless regarding Jesse.  

But he couldn’t deal with so many feelings, so being angry at his best friend was easier right now. That’s why he groused, “Brian hasn’t come home in ten days. Can you believe it? Ten fucking days! He barely informed Justin that he wouldn’t be there, pretending that he had to travel for work. I mean, even if it’s true, he is acting like a fucking shit to Justin right now! Does he expect his lover - the man who has shared his life for the last couple of years, who has never let him down, who has stayed by his side even when he was being a prick to him - does he really expect him to stay at home and play the dutiful housewife while he is away doing God knows what? And why the fuck is Justin letting him do that without resisting? What the fuck is wrong with them? Jesus!” The more he talked, the more he raised his voice, so when he finished his speech, the diner had almost fallen silent as everyone overheard his diatribe.

Emmett swore that they could have heard a pin drop. Peering at the patrons surrounding them, his eyes landed on Debbie, who had just entered the diner and was looking around, obviously wondering what was going on. Placing her hands on her hips, she authoritatively demanded, “What’s going on here?”

Michael turned around to look at his mother and waved for her to join them, while demanding loudly, “Ma! Just drop it!”

Debbie walked over to their table and slapped her son on the head. “Michael Charles Novotny! I know that look. What have you done?”

“Nothing! Jesus, Ma, stop assuming the worst!” Michael scowled as he rubbed his head.

Debbie turned to look at Emmett, but the man just raised his hands in an innocent manner, before absolving himself of blame. “Don’t look at me. I’m just an innocent bystander.”

Debbie barked out a laugh at Emmett’s reply. “Sure. if you’re an innocent bystander, then I’m Cher wearing a g-string and holding a whip.”

“Jesus, please, have some mercy! I won’t be able to sleep for a week with the picture you just forced into my head, Debbie.” Brian’s voice resonated throughout the diner, startling them. He must have entered the eatery without any of them noticing.

Michael gazed up at his friend, their eyes locking for a few seconds, and he didn’t like what he saw. There was something like a haze over Brian’s gaze that reminded him of his teenaged friend on his darkest days. Michael swallowed as he moved over in the booth to let Brian sit next to him. “Where have you been?” he inquired, his voice a mix of anger, annoyance, and concern.

“New York,” Brian answered curtly, obviously determined not to share anything else.

“Have you called Justin yet?” Michael couldn’t help but ask, unable to hide the accusation in his voice.

Brian turned his head to glare at him, but his gaze was unfocused and Michael asked himself what was going on inside Brian’s head. He wasn’t surprised when the brunet didn’t answer his question.

“Well, you need to take care of yourself, kiddo. And go home to your boyfriend,” Debbie intervened, addressing Brian, who just snorted, grabbed an empty sugar packet, and began to shred it.

When Brian realized that Debbie was still waiting for an answer, he peered up at her and stated, “Justin’s fine.”

Michael shook his head and grunted, but Brian didn’t acknowledge him.

Debbie stared at Brian sadly before letting out a deep sigh. She needed to handle her shift, though, and now was not the time or the place to have a heart-to-heart with her surrogate son. Nonetheless, she had something to announce before going to the kitchen. “Jesse and Aaron are moving to Baltimore. They will leave town next week.” Her eyes were fixed on Brian when she delivered the news. Expecting a reaction from him, she wasn’t surprised when she saw him wince furtively as his hands stilled. But, before she could call him on it, he resumed his previous activity, the sugar packet now in a hundred tiny little pieces on the table.

Not knowing what to do next, she glanced at Michael and Emmett, who both returned her helpless look. Sighing, she finally declared, “We’re throwing them a farewell party next Friday night. I expect you to be here.” Gazing at Brian again, she added with a pointed stare, “All of you.”

Brian refused to look up at her this time, even though Deb was sure he could feel her pointed stare piercing him.

“For Chrissake, Brian! Are you going to let him walk out of your life without even trying to make things right?” she couldn’t help but question loudly. Seeing her boys so miserable was really hard on Debbie, and she had to try and push Brian to do something before it was too late.

However, she hadn’t expected Brian to react like he did. As soon as she was finished speaking, Brian glared up at her and snarled, “Back off, Debbie!” He then stood up and scowled at Emmett and Michael, too, before repeating angrily, “Just back off!” At last, his eyes once again landed on his childhood friend’s mother, and he threw Debbie’s words back at her, concluding with a deadly glare, “All of you.” Brian turned and stormed out of the diner, promptly disappearing from sight.

Debbie was too dumbfounded to react. Michael and Emmett just sat there, wondering what had just happened, not even realizing that a deafening silence now surrounded them once more.

The next day…

The days were colder than usual, and the rain hadn’t stopped pouring all day. Justin was out on the sidewalk, walking home, and wondering once again if Brian would still be there or not.

In the last few weeks, he had barely seen his lover. Brian was always gone, indulging himself endlessly in sex, booze, and drugs, something Justin didn’t know how to stop. He barely recognized the man who had shared his life for the last two years, except for those nearly imperceptible moments when Brian thought Justin wasn’t looking and would let his guard down.

The day before, Justin had been about to enter the bathroom - the water was running, indicating that Brian was home after having disappeared for more than a week - but he had stopped in the doorway. Brian had been standing still under the shower spray, his eyes closed. He had been crying. The sight had been too much for Justin, who had felt like his heart was breaking. Even more unbearable was the fact that he couldn’t do a fucking thing about it. Every time he tried, Brian would just push him away.

He hadn’t moved from the doorway. He couldn’t. Not so long ago, he wouldn’t have hesitated and would have jumped into the shower, wrapping his arms around his lover. He would have held him for as long as Brian needed it. He would have done anything and everything to take his pain away. But now he couldn’t even hold Brian to comfort him...and it was killing him.

He would learn later that day that Jesse was leaving Pittsburgh. Justin’s friend couldn’t bear to stay any longer, especially considering that the rehabilitation wasn’t going as well as the doctors had hoped. Jesse hadn’t recovered any sensation in his legs and, unfortunately, the more time that elapsed, the less Jesse hoped and tried, believing that his chances of ever walking again were diminishing rapidly. Consequently, Aaron had proposed that they move to Baltimore, where one of the best rehabilitation centers was located, hoping that the change of scenery would help the man he loved rediscover his will to fight and that he’d start living again.

Of course, Brian had taken the news poorly. Justin was convinced that the brunet had hoped that Jesse would eventually change his mind and let Brian back into his life, maybe even allow him somehow to help. But it wasn’t meant to be. Instead, Brian had to let Jesse go for good.

Justin just hoped that Brian would eventually let go of his guilt, too. If not, Justin didn’t know if he’d have the strength to keep fighting for the man he loved, even if he still wasn’t yet ready to give up.

Friday night…

Jesse was staring at the sky, wondering whether the clouds or the city lights were making it impossible for him to view the timeless beauty of the stars. He had rolled outside to the semi-deserted street in his wheelchair with Aaron’s help, needing to isolate himself from all the people surrounding him inside the restaurant. Now alone, he felt like he could breathe.

Inside, Debbie, Vic, Aaron, Michael, Emmett, Ted, Justin, Lindsay and her new girlfriend Melanie were all sitting around a table, trying for Jesse’s sake to recreate moments from their past, when laughter and smiles had filled the air, everyone feeling optimistic, carefree, and ready to take on the world. Only, the past was gone and Jesse couldn’t pretend anymore.

Saying goodbye was harder than he’d anticipated. It was true he had seen his friends only rarely in the past few months. It was just too difficult to face them, to deal with a reality which wasn’t his anymore, a time when he had been that carefree young man who was going to conquer the world. Today, although he didn’t have a clue about his own future, he knew exactly what he had lost and doubted he’d ever win it back.

Brian wasn’t there. Jesse wasn’t surprised, and was, in fact, relieved he hadn’t come. He still wasn’t ready to see him again, even if, deep down, he knew it was unfair of him to blame Brian for his condition. But, he simply couldn’t deal with the emotions that just thinking about his former best friend evoked within him. It was too hard, too soon. He’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t worried about him, though. But Jesse didn’t want to deal with Brian’s demons anymore, not when he was fighting his own on a daily basis.

He would be gone in three days. After that, he didn’t know what would happen to him. The only thing that made sense in his life right now was Aaron. The man gave him the strength to keep going, even if Jesse felt like he was standing near a precipice all the time, peering down into its endless depths. Maybe one day this feeling would fade, and another emotion would take its place. As miniscule as his hope currently was, it did exist, however, thanks to his partner.

Strangely, being there, alone in the cold - but refreshing - night air, Jesse felt a strange, peaceful feeling unfurling. He even smiled slightly as he took a deep breath, reminded himself that he was still alive.

Justin opened the door and stepped outside, welcoming the fresh breeze caressing his face. His eyes followed a car driving by slowly before his gaze fell upon his friend’s form, seated in his wheelchair a few feet away. His heart missed a beat at the sight, making him realize the finality of this moment. In a few days, Jesse would be out of their lives, including Brian’s.

Justin walked closer to his friend and put his hand on Jesse’s shoulder. Positioning himself by his side, he asked softly, “You okay?”

Jesse responded with a nod. “I just needed some air. It’s fucking hot in there.”

“Don’t forget fucking weird, also,” Justin couldn’t help but volunteer with a smirk. He, too, had a hard time dealing with his friends’ futile attempts to act as if nothing had changed in the last five months.

Jesse chuckled at Justin’s reply, surprising the blond, who hadn’t heard his friend laugh in a long time. “They’re trying…” Jesse shrugged.

“Hmm…” Justin responded, deciding to move the conversation toward more neutral topics. “So, you’re all set, then? Ready to move on?” As soon as the words escaped his lips, however, he felt a squeezing around his heart. This was it, the end of an era. But even more, it was his last chance to see Brian and Jesse reunited, their friendship seemingly over.

Justin had tried to convince Brian to come tonight. He still remembered the look on his lover’s face earlier today, when Justin had dropped by unexpectedly at his office. Cynthia, his new assistant, had almost forbidden him to enter, but Justin pressed her relentlessly until Brian finally agreed to see him.

“Cynthia, you’ve never met my ball and chain…” Brian greeted Justin when he walked out of his office and noticed his boyfriend trying to force his way past the reception desk.

“I’m the ball and chain,” Justin quipped ironically, addressing Cynthia. “And, as I’m the best ball and chain in town; he can’t get rid of me. It’s not because he hasn’t tried, I can assure you.” As Justin finished his retort, gazing sardonically up at Brian, a fake smile played across his lips.

“In my office,” Brian ordered, his face now an indecipherable mask. Justin followed him in silence. “What are you doing here?” Brian inquired tiredly, as he closed the door behind Justin.

“Making sure you don’t make a mistake you might regret for the rest of your life?” Justin suggested sarcastically.

“You know how I feel about regrets,” Brian immediately replied.

“Yes, I do. And that’s why I want you to come tonight...” Justin reiterated for the umpteenth time,  “...for your best friend’s farewell party.”

“Jesse is not my friend anymore,” Brian stated, the edge in his voice unmistakable. “Or should I say, I’m not HIS friend anymore. He made it pretty clear he didn’t want anything to do with me. And for once, I will respect his wishes.” Brian paused, unable to hide the sorrow in his voice, despite the fake smile he wore. “I owe him that.”

Justin couldn’t help but scoff at Brian’s reasoning. “Don’t you see that it’s just the reaction of a desperate, depressed, and angry man, Brian? Do you really think you’re responsible for what happened to Jesse?”

“What I think or don’t think is irrelevant. Don’t you get that?” Brian barked.

“No, I don’t! You’re really willing to let him walk out of your life, when you’ve always been there for each other ever since you met? How can you not fight for what you had? Does his friendship mean so little to you that you can just sit there in your fancy office and do nothing?” Justin asked incredulously, his stupefaction regarding Brian’s stubborn resolve to not attempt a reconciliation with Jesse overshadowing everything else.

“Do nothing? Oh, believe me, I will do plenty tonight. Just not what you think I should do. I’d rather fuck my way through the willing tricks at Babylon, who, I’m sure, will be delighted to relieve my distress. So why don’t you stop acting as if you’re my moral compass, and leave me the fuck alone!” Brian spat angrily.

Justin stepped back at his lover’s hurtful words. He couldn’t believe that Brian would be so cruel as to take out his frustrations on him for attempting to reconcile him and Jesse. He wanted to fight back, but then he suddenly noticed the haunted look on his lover’s face. Regardless of how much Brian acted like a prick and pushed away everyone who loved him, his eyes reflected how he really felt and what he really wanted, betraying his true emotions.

Justin’s heart was breaking. He longed to have his lover back, the man who had allowed him to see past his mask and touch his heart. At the same time, the pain caused by Brian’s vicious remarks was cutting deeply into Justin, and he felt like he was suffocating.

He needed to leave. Peering up at Brian one last time, he whispered, “I hope you will find what you´re looking for. I hope…” He didn’t finish his thought, unable to describe what he was feeling. Justin would always want the very best for Brian, however, regardless of whether they were in a good place in their relationship or not.

“Justin,” Brian called out to him, a remorseful look gracing his features as he took a step closer to his lover.

“No.” Justin raised his hand to stop Brian from coming any closer. “I will see you later,” he told him in dismissal, walking out the door without looking back, his eyes tearing up against his will.

“I will miss you.” Jesse’s voice brought Justin back to the present, and he turned to look at his friend. Jesse was seemingly watching a couple walking down the street and fooling around, but Justin noticed that his focus didn’t change, not even after the couple disappeared from sight.

“I will miss you, too.” Justin answered, taking a step closer to Jesse, as his friend finally gazed up at him.

“Come here,” Jesse requested quietly, extending his arms, obviously waiting for Justin to give him a hug.

Justin immediately complied and took Jesse into his arms, bending over him and embracing him.

“This is just goodbye, okay?” Jesse whispered in his ear as he tightened his hold, and Justin responded by hugging him harder too, the squeezing in his chest now threatening to overwhelm him.

“This is just goodbye,” Justin confirmed, his voice now slightly trembling as he leaned back to stare at his friend. “This is just goodbye for now,” he clarified, forcing a smile to appear on his lips as Jesse took Justin’s hand in his.

They stayed still, refusing to let go for a long, long moment.