November 2014, The Institute, Sunday Evening…

When they came back from the wooded area, Justin decided to give Brian and his father some privacy. So he left the two men in Jack’s room, and headed back down the stairs to the entrance of the Institution. Truthfully, after the day he had just experienced, Justin welcomed some time on his own; he eventually decided to take a stroll on the lighted path surrounding the place for nearly half an hour, ignoring the cooling air of the night, until he received a call from Brian, asking for him to come back.

Although, when he joined them, he wondered if it had been a good idea to leave the two men alone. Brian seemed off. On the other hand, Jack seemed to be fine; yet Justin also noticed how he was looking at his son, as if he were waiting for something specific to happen. Justin was clueless as to what it could be.

Brian finally announced that they were leaving and Justin hugged Jack to say goodbye, promising to visit him soon. Jack beamed at him, making Justin laugh. Brian smiled, but Justin sensed a hidden sadness as he peered over at his former lover. Then, Brian surprisingly hugged his father, too, and whispered something in his ear, but his voice was so low that Justin couldn’t hear his words. He could just see Jack’s soft gaze as he stared back affectionately at his son.

“You okay?” Justin asked as he and Brian were descending the stairs to leave the building a moment later.

“Yeah. I just want to get out of here,” Brian responded curtly, his face impassible. Justin frowned, but he understood that Brian didn’t want to talk about whatever had happened in Jack’s room, at least for now.

They made their way to the parking lot and entered Brian’s car. Brian positioned himself behind the steering wheel and sighed loudly. Justin stared at him.

Brian finally pinched his lips before he peered back at Justin. He smiled slightly. “So...at least you can’t say that it was boring to spend the day with me, can you?” He quipped, but Justin didn’t know if he was joking or just annoyed. Probably both.

“It was…” Justin gazed away as he thought of a good word to properly describe the day he’d just spent with Brian. He raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips together thoughtfully before concluding, “...kind of intense.”

Brian barked out a laugh. “That’s the understatement of the century. But unfortunately, not for the typical reason,” he replied dryly, annoyance dripping from his voice. “Fuck!” He rubbed his face with his hands and leaned back in his seat. He looked exhausted.

“Brian... hey…” Justin called over to him softly, placing his hand on Brian’s thigh.

Brian lifted his gaze to look at Justin intently. Seemingly refusing to think any further after the brief time he had just shared with his father, he gripped Justin at the back of his head and plunged forward to kiss him.

Justin hadn’t been prepared for this. So, he didn’t respond at first. But kissing Brian had always been so addictive, than even if he knew he should stop whatever was happening right now, he didn’t. He opened his lips, allowing Brian’s tongue to invade his mouth for the second time that day.

Both their hearts were beating furiously. The sweet sensation of lips, tongue and lust gripped both of them. Justin responded wholeheartedly, and began to slide his fingers through Brian’s hair as he deepened the kiss. Soon, Brian’s lips left his mouth and began to lick his neck; but only briefly, before resuming his claim on his lips.

Jesus. They had missed this so fucking much. And yet, Justin knew he had to stop them. Brian was obviously reacting to whatever had happened with his father earlier, and even if Justin wanted this, it didn’t seem right to take advantage of Brian’s seemingly vulnerability. So, reluctantly, he eventually pulled back.

Brian was breathing hard. So was Justin. “We need to stop,” Justin breathed out.

Brian responded with a whisper. “I know.” But he immediately leaned forward once more to taste Justin’s lips again.

The kiss was shorter, but its intensity was increasing. They had craved this intimacy so much that it was almost impossible to stop, much less form a coherent thought.

“Jesus Christ, Justin…” Brian cursed as Justin broke off the kiss once more.  

Justin smiled at Brian’s obvious desire for him. “Come on,” he said as he slipped his fingers softly into Brian’s hair once more. “Let’s go back to your place.” Brian raised his eyebrows playfully at Justin’s words. Justin laughed as he specified, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“So you say,” Brian replied with a small smirk. “You’ve always used my body to make me talk about my feelings,” he stated impulsively without thinking.

The words sobered the two men, Brian’s eyes darkening at the thought of what used to be. He gazed away and a few seconds later, he turned on the car.

Justin stared at Brian as memories of his time with the man came to his mind. Sex had always been Brian’s way to ‘communicate’ about how he felt; it was true. Justin had never had a better understanding of what his boyfriend was going through than when they kissed, fucked or made love.

Made love. They had made love. Several times. In fact, for Justin, Brian made love better than any other man, even if that was one area of expertise the man claimed he had no clue about.

Right now, Brian’s kiss had said it all. It revealed how scared he had been for his father. That afternoon when they had gone to look for him had showed to Justin how much Brian had grown to love Jack; even if Justin had no doubt that he must have fought against his unwanted feelings with all his might when he had reconnected with his father. He had fortunately failed at staying away.

Still, his kiss told another story, too. Justin didn’t know what father and son had talked about when he had left them on their own once they had come back to the Institute, but he suspected it was something big. Brian was shaken by the encounter, and Justin could only hope he would eventually decide to confide in him about it. But he would not push him, either. He was just grateful that he could be here, by his side.

***********

Flashback, Forty Minutes Earlier…

Brian stared at the door. Justin had just disappeared from his sight, claiming that he needed to call his mother, but Brian knew it was bullshit. The real reason was that Justin wanted to give Jack and him some time alone to talk about what had happened today.

When Brian had received Justin’s text earlier informing him that he had found Jack in the forest, he had felt a deep relief. Imagining his father wandering aimlessly outside on his own for the entire night had made his blood run cold, because he remembered vividly three years ago when it had happened before, and he never wanted to live through that again. Indeed, that one time, Jack might have been physically okay when they had found him, but his state of mind had been quite alarming, and Brian had feared the worst. Consequently, when Jack had finally acknowledged him after three days without recognizing who he was at all initially - or even knowing who he was himself, for that matter - Brian had almost wanted to cry. Of course, he had gotten his dick sucked by one of the substitute employees filling in for the summer instead.

Yet, today, as the relief had started to fade away - especially after their conversation on the phone - Brian had felt something else altogether. The exchange had left him feeling restless, and he had tried to push it away from his mind, to make it disappear somehow. He had mainly succeeded. That is, until Justin had left him alone with Jack for the first time that day.

And here he was now, looking at the door and seemingly unable to avert his eyes and look at his father, who was sitting quietly on his bed. Brian also could feel his heartbeat pounding in his chest, as well as the adrenaline rushing through his body. He didn’t know why confronting Jack about the ‘Sonny Boy’ nickname was so difficult, and yet he had to suck it up and deal with it. If it was the reason why the man had run away today, he didn’t want for it to happen again.

Eventually, he turned around and peered up at his father. Jack hadn’t moved. His head was down, his hands hidden underneath his thighs like a little boy who was just waiting to be reprehended and punished after having done something foolish.

Except he wasn’t a little boy. While his posture could be read as childish, there was something in his eyes that told another story. Now, he was staring up at his son, his gaze soft, yet unfaltering. Brian was the one who eventually looked away.

He came to sit next to Jack on the bed. He rubbed his hands on his thighs a few times, before leaning back, his hands now resting on the bed behind him to support his upper body. “So…” He began, but he paused and cleared his throat. His voice sounded weird to his own ears.

“Justin is beautiful,” his father declared unexpectedly. He was looking at the wall in front of him as he nodded to himself. “He really is. I can’t help but think that he must be the one.”

Brian frowned. Surely Jack didn’t mean that he was the one for him, did he? “The one?”

“Your savior,” Jack clarified calmly.

Brian’s lips turned upwards. “Oh...that.” He should have known Jack would have remembered Justin’s name, after having caved and told him a man named Justin was his “savior.” He had done it more to shut his father up than because he really believed in such a  notion, but  it still had been the truth, even if life wasn’t as simple as that.

“Is he?” Jack questioned, even if he didn’t really expect an answer from his son. Brian wasn’t known to talk freely about how he felt, and that rule applied to his father, too. So, when he didn’t respond immediately, merely raising his eyebrow instead, Jack resumed, “Nevermind… anyway, he saved me. He is a beautiful soul.”

“He is,” Brian agreed softly. Because really, what else could he say? “But we’re not here to talk about Justin,” he reminded his father. “I want to talk about what happened today. The reason why you left…”

“I know you want to,” Jack replied with a nod. “I was stupid to leave without telling anyone. I shouldn’t have left without any prior warning. That is the rule; you already told me about that.”

“So, why did you leave?” Brian pushed.

“I…” Jack began, but he stopped. Sighing, he shook his head. “Some memories are hard to deal with. When they appear in my mind, I feel like I need to be alone. And today, I don’t know why, but when I remembered you, I began to walk. I just…I needed to walk.”

Brian swallowed. “You remembered... me?”

“Yes…” Jack revealed. “You… not Gus, but YOU.”  His eyes took on a faraway sort of look as he continued.  “You were so young;  we were sitting in the middle of the bleachers, surrounded by a lot of people screaming and yelling at the players. We were watching a soccer game together?” he stated as a half-question/half-statement.  “And I was talking to you and calling you Sonny Boy...when I wasn’t screaming some nonsense to the players. I mean why was I even shouting? They couldn’t have heard me, right?” Jack frowned and shook his head as if screaming at a soccer game was absurd. It probably was for him. “I didn’t notice it before in any other memories, but in this one, I kept calling you Sonny Boy, like you do with Gus today.” Jack paused, huffing happily, a big smile on his face. “You two look so much alike. I still have a hard time understanding all of this, but… it was you. I know it was you.”

“It was me.” Brian confirmed. “We went to see a game once - just the two of us - when I was about seven or eight. We had a great time that day.” It was true, sort of. Brian left out the part where his father had driven to his favorite bar afterwards to meet with his bowling buddies, while he had to wait for him in the car for more than two hours before they could go back home.

Jack exhaled loudly. “This is hard to remember…”

Brian didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how to respond. His chest was tightening against his will.

Jack continued, unaware of his son’s inner turmoil. “It’s like…being inside the head of someone else. This man…I mean I…I was doing those things. I left you there in the car to go and drink. How could he…how could I do that? I just don’t understand.” Jack remembered that part, too.

Brian closed his eyes briefly. Of course Jack remembered the whole day, and not just the good part. It made sense. That’s perhaps why he had been upset and had left the Institute. However, Brian couldn’t let his father overthink his memories. He was sure nothing good would come out of it. So, he tried to stop his father from going any further. “Jack…”

But Jack knew him too well by now and he didn’t let his son interrupt him. “No, it’s okay. I know what you’re going to say. It wasn’t me; not really. I changed. I get that. But you hadn’t changed. You have just grown up, so...” Jack’s voice trailed off; it was obvious he was hesitating to question Brian about something.

“So what?” Brian urged, prompting him to share whatever he needed to get it off his chest.

“Why do you call me Jack? You never called me Jack before…” Jack seemed genuinely confused now that he could recall part of his relationship with his son; of what used to be. And he clearly remembered that Brian used to call him “Pops,” and had never referred to him as Jack, even when their past relationship had been at its worst.

Brian wasn’t sure how to respond to that. His father was correct, but that was before. Before Jack had killed his mother and sister, destroying his world as he knew it. Even now, Brian’s memory of the time when he had called his father “Pops” was leading his mind to relive this last night with his family, just before they had been taken away from him, forever.

For the longest time, Brian had thought that he should have died with them. In fact, for a while, he had felt like he had, as the visions of their death had become his private hell.

The car accident had occurred less than a mile from their house. Five minutes after Brian had left his father yelling at him in the kitchen, he had seen him driving past while he was headed downtown on foot. Jack had slowed down, had opened his car’s window, and had cursed loudly at him, calling him a ‘stupid shit’ and some other lovely names, but Brian had ignored him and had merely increased his pace in response. Jack had cursed some more, but had eventually given up. Meanwhile, Brian had vaguely heard Joan telling Jack not to bother with him.

Besides, his father had already been late for a party at his friend’s, thanks to Brian fighting with him over coming. In his anger and to spite his son, Jack had sped up suddenly, overhearing the sounds of his mother and sister protesting in the car, as the vehicle disappeared from sight around the next corner. The screeches of the car on the asphalt had come about fifteen seconds later, loud enough that Brian had heard them from a fairly considerable distance. Then a bang. And then...nothing.

To this day, Jack didn’t know that Brian had been there that night. Specifically, Brian hadn’t seen the accident occurring with his own eyes, but he had run to the scene as soon as he had heard the haunted sound of the tires’ screeching, even if he had already knew somehow that it was too late.

In retrospect, he wished he hadn’t gone there. Because the sight he was about to witness would render him insane for months.

He couldn’t stop from running toward the eerily silent street, though. The truth was, Brian felt like he should have been in the car. If he had not fought with his father, he would have been with them. He would have seen the look of horror in his sister’s hazel eyes, as she had whispered over and over again that she didn’t want to die like this, just before her gaze went blank, lifeless. He also would have witnessed the moment his mother had been thrown against a cellular tower and had been killed instantly.

Brian had never felt that icy tightening before, the one that had gripped his heart and squeezed it so hard that he had thought he would die right there. When his eyes had allowed his mind to understand what he was seeing, he had wished that he had never come; that he had been anywhere but there, alive and standing on the pavement fighting to breathe, while at the same time he knew that those he loved would never breathe again.

Firemen always tell you that working on to rescue victims at the scene of an accident can be really ugly. Some people don’t emerge unscarred from such scenes, even if the people involved are total strangers. And while Brian had heard stories before about such things, the words hadn’t truly expressed the real truth; it wasn’t just traumatic - it was devastating, something that most people would never understand or even endure.

He had seen them, their bloody bodies. There had seen so much blood that he had wanted to scream, but no sound had come out. And for a moment, a crazy thought had consumed him. He had wished that he had died, too, because it would have been easier than dealing with this vision of despair and death for the rest of his life. God, he had wanted to die so badly that night.

Of course, from that moment on, Brian had known without a shadow of a doubt that he would never forgive himself for this. If not for his stubborn, defiant attitude, they wouldn’t have been late, Jack wouldn’t have been so pissed, and he wouldn’t have driven like a maniac. Over the years that had followed that fateful night, all of Brian’s friends had tried to convince him that his father was the only one to blame for the death of his family, because he had taken his car after having drunk way too much. And while logically, Brian could understand the rationality behind their statements, his heart had always refused to let go of the guilt. Because ultimately, he could have stopped Jack from driving, instead of just leaving his mother and sister sitting in that car. But he hadn’t. And the haunting visions that had accompanied him ever since were his own reminder that he was as much to blame for their deaths as his father had been.

And now, Jack was sitting by his side, asking him why he never called him “Pops.” Brian didn’t have a clue how to respond to that question. Truthfully at the moment, he wasn’t sure of anything, except that he needed to focus and stop his mind from traveling back to that time, or he wouldn’t succeed in finishing this conversation. And Jack didn’t need any more stress today.

It was insane how Brian could lose control of his emotions when his father was involved. Good or bad, present and past memories with this man always reached to the very heart of Brian’s soul in a way nobody else could.

So, Brian took a deep breath. Then another. He tried as best he could to stop the unwanted emotions that were currently flooding his veins from taking the upper hand. He felt Jack’s gaze on him, but fortunately, his father didn’t comment.

“I used to call you Pops…” He eventually began, his voice slightly breaking.

His father gazed up at him then. Brian had no idea what Jack was seeing in him at that moment. Jack didn’t do anything at first; he just kept staring at him intently.

Eventually, though, he put his hand on Brian’s, squeezing it softly while his eyes never left his son’s face. Brian felt the moisture in his eyes, but he refused to let go.

Jack used his other hand to touch Brian’s face. “I don’t want you to call me Pops anymore,” Jack surprisingly declared, and Brian inwardly cursed when he felt a single tear running down his cheek.

Jack dried it silently with his thumb. “That was his name. Not mine…but maybe…you could use another name for me? Maybe...Dad?” He asked as gently as possible, and for a brief moment, he wasn’t Jack anymore. He was Brian’s father, acting as every parent should with their child. Protecting him from any harm and giving him all his love.

Brian had trouble finding his voice again because of the lump in his throat. He hated reacting like that, feeling weak and unable to hide his feelings. And yet, one comforting thought was helping him to face it: Jack Kinney was definitely dead, and the man who had taken his place was worthy of Brian’s honesty and love; he deserved so much more than what he had to offer.

Consequently, the answer was an easy one. Brian cleared his throat and whispered, “Okay… Dad.”  The word felt awkward in a way. But it also felt good.  It felt...right.  

The smile on Jack’s smile had never been brighter than in this instant.

It would almost make Brian forget about his own haunting dreams.

End of Flashback...

********

Brian drove back to the loft quietly. He seemed to be lost in thought, and Justin wondered once more what was going on in his head.

Fifteen minutes later, Brian pushed the door open and gazed back at Justin before entering the loft. Justin followed him, allowing his eyes to sweep around the place as he took a few steps inside. He vaguely heard Brian offering him some water as the brunet pointed to the kitchen, but he was mesmerized by what he was discovering and wasn’t really listening. He walked around the space slowly, taking in the fine lines of the furniture, the brick walls, the big windows, and the high ceilings, before heading towards the three steps heading to the central element of the place. Peering at the bed, he briefly thought it looked like an altar made for sex. In fact, the whole place screamed ‘Warning: you’ve entered the stud’s domain and he’s going to fuck you. Senseless.’

Justin took off his jacket and placed it on the back of the sofa while Brian went to retrieve two bottles of water from the fridge. As Brian placed them on the kitchen counter, Justin walked closer to it and couldn’t help but tease, “Your place looks just like you.” He tried to fight the smile threatening to break out on his face, but failed when he saw Brian’s expression.

Brian rolled his tongue into his cheek, walked around the counter, and stopped directly in front of Justin. His voice was low and smooth as he replied, “You mean it’s dangerously, incredibly, irresistibly hot and sexy?”

“More like a fuck pad.” Justin responded, trying to keep the grin off his face.

Brian stared at Justin, leaning in so closely to his face that he could feel his breath washing over his skin.  For a short moment, Justin thought that he was going to kiss him, but Brian eventually whispered sexily in Justin’s ear instead, “Glad to see that you still know me so well.” He leaned back, raising his eyebrows before adding knowingly,  “And you’re right; it’s designed for fucking.  LOTS of it.”

Justin was having trouble breathing. Brian’s scent was invading his every sense now, and he had to fight not to kiss the man. Why couldn’t he? Oh yeah, he was hoping for Brian to open up to him without any sex being involved, but obviously the theory was much easier than the reality. However, Justin was pretty sure that Brian would choose sex over talking about his father any time, just to avoid facing whatever he had to deal with, and Justin refused to complicate things further. Not that Justin didn’t want Brian. He wanted him badly.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” Justin suddenly declared, deciding to play it safe, at least for now. Brian stared back at him. He wasn’t fooled, but he didn’t try to make him change his mind, either.

“The bathroom’s that way,” Brian said as he pointed toward the bedroom without moving from his spot. Justin gave him a little nod before heading towards the steps, feeling the heat of Brian’s stare on him the entire time.

Entering, he closed the door behind him and went directly to the sink, his heart beating furiously. He turned on the water briefly to splash some cold water on his face. Looking up, he stared at his reflection in the mirror and muttered to himself, what are you doing? He closed his eyes and sighed.

Not wanting for Brian to think he was avoiding him, he took care of his business, washed his hands, and took a deep breath before rejoining him. Exiting the bathroom, he heard the ringtone of his phone, but by the time he arrived in the living room, it had stopped. That’s when he noticed that Brian was holding his cell in his hands, his eyes glued to the lighted screen.

“Brian?” Justin called awkwardly, suddenly anxious. There was something in Brian’s posture that made him uneasy. He swallowed, as he waited for Brian to look up at him, but the man was still staring at the screen, even if Justin could see that it was dark by now.

“Brian,” he repeated as he walked closer. Brian was now staring at an invisible spot in front of him, but he still hadn’t moved. Justin didn’t know what to do, so he just stood there.

Eventually, Brian reached out the cellphone toward him, although he still wasn’t peering at him. Justin took it from his hands, peering down as he turned it on to see who had called him.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw Jesse’s name on the screen.

Fuck.

**********

When Brian had allowed Justin to enter his loft, he hadn’t expected to be anxious about his reaction, but he realized that he was. The loft had been his safe haven for a long time now, and even if he had considered moving out lately - mainly because he wasn’t getting any younger and he wanted to offer a real room to Gus, too - this place was important to him. He had moved in shortly after Justin had left him eight years ago, and had never regretted his decision, even if at the time he could barely afford it.

As he walked in, he acted as if he didn’t care what Justin thought and he walked over to the bedroom to hang up his coat before heading towards the kitchen area. Justin was walking around on a sort of ‘self-guided mini-tour,’ so Brian let him without interfering. He retrieved two bottles of water from the fridge and placed them on the counter. Justin eventually finished his inspection and headed towards him with a small smile playing on his lips, before declaring that the loft looked just like Brian. The brunet feigned to look offended, but he was relieved. Not because Justin’s opinion was all that important...or maybe it was after all.

Brian couldn’t help but tease Justin, enjoying how affected his companion was by his innuendos. He didn’t kiss him, although he was dying to do just that, but he had sensed a shift ever since they had left the Institute. He knew that sex wasn’t what Justin wanted now, even if he was clearly affected by Brian’s teasing. Truthfully, the sexual tension between them was hard to overlook, but Justin finally prevented them from acting on it when he declared that he had to use the bathroom.

Brian’s eyes stayed on Justin’s retreating form until he saw his silhouette disappearing into the bathroom. Never would he have imagined this day ending like this, with Justin by his side after having gone to successfully locate his missing father. The day had been crazy, but Brian wasn’t complaining. Even if he was having a hard time dealing with all that had happened in such a short time, Justin’s presence was more than comforting.

His thoughts drifted momentarily to his father. Jack’s memories were surging back seemingly out of nowhere, and at unpredictable times; but for the first time, Brian was confident that they would help his father to move on and ‘grow up.’ He had felt something different today while they had been sitting in Jack’s room, as if he really had a father, someone who would do anything to protect him in that way that only a parent can. It was strange. Brian had never felt that way before.

The accident was still haunting him. Even after all these years, the image was embedded in his brain. Every time he and Jack talked about their past, the memory would turn into reality, making it difficult to breathe. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Brian just needed to keep breathing, until this feeling of doom returned to a more distant and detached place in his mind.

He hadn’t told anyone about being present at the scene of the car accident, claiming that he had gone straight to the hospital after the police had called him on his phone. No one had doubted him. Why would they? The medical team had been too busy trying to save his father to really notice he was there. Soon, a small crowd of gawkers had gathered around the car, and Brian had not uttered a single word. And when Debbie had joined him in the waiting room of the hospital, she had assumed that he had not witnessed the accident, and he hadn’t contradicted her. On the other hand, Michael and Jesse had always suspected that he was holding something back, especially after having spiralling so out of control soon after the accident, but he had never confirmed anything to Michael.

Jesse, though, had guessed somehow. When the accident had occurred, he and Brian hadn’t been talking to each other. They had slept together a few months earlier, and had been avoiding each other ever since. But Brian had needed his friends more than ever, and when Michael had asked Jesse for help because he didn’t know what to do to stop their friend from killing himself with sex, booze and drugs, Jesse had rushed to help him, forgetting all about their so-called falling out.

Back then, Brian would have done anything to stop the pain. But most of all, he wanted to stop seeing that image. The bloody, lifeless bodies. So, he allowed men to use his body. First in the backroom of Babylon. Then, he had gone to the Baths several times a day. And finally at private parties. This unhealthy spiral eventually led him to a filthy, illegal place where he could be fucked by unknown faces, and where drugs were shared like candy. He had wanted to fly; the higher, the better.

The second time he had gone there, Jesse had barged into the room with Michael on his heels. Brian had made the mistake of informing Michael about his activities, so he hadn’t been that surprised to see him there, trying to play the knight in shining armor.  But he had never expected to see Jesse. When Jesse had tried to reach out to him after the accident, Brian had refused his friend’s ‘pity,’ even if he realized he was being a shit to push him away again.

Yet, that night in this dark, sex-and-sweat smelling place, Jesse had been on a mission. He had beaten a man who wanted a piece of Brian’s ass, and had threatened every single guy in the room that he would call the cops if they ever came close to Brian again.

Brian had never seen Jesse that angry before. However, he had resisted, yelling at him like a petulant child, even trying to punch him in the face, only to fall flat on the floor. Before he had fully understood what had happened, Jesse and Michael had managed to grab him and drag him out of the dump.

That night, when the three men had returned to Debbie’s - she was thankfully working the night shift - they had carried Brian to the guest room. He had stopped complaining, too emotionally exhausted to even hide behind his usual mask, and Jesse had stayed with him while Michael had gone to his own room to allow them some privacy.

When Brian had started to cry, Jesse had held him for a long time, repeating again and again that he had to let them go and learn to forgive himself. Brian had confided that he couldn’t, because he was seeing them all the time, and Jesse had instinctively understood what he really meant. He had responded to Brian’s plea by holding him even tighter.

Brian had been lucky not to turn out HIV positive during that period in his life. It would have been the icing on the cake. An eighteen-year-old, orphaned, and positive. One thing was sure: if not for Jesse and Michael’s intervention, he would have died, one way or the other.

He had slowly come back to life after that, even starting college thanks to a lenient dean who had agreed to let him start using his scholarship at the end of the first semester, exactly six months after the car accident. He had worked out a schedule which had allowed him to work part-time, and had even found a good job thanks to Debbie by the summer of 1998 at the “Little Library.”

A few years later, Justin had entered his life and Brian had fallen in love.

What a life. Sometimes, Brian felt like he was a character in a fiction show. He would have certainly had some sharp words with the authors if that had turned out to be true.

Sitting on the bar stool of his loft, he refocused his thoughts on the present. He heard the toilet flushing, indicating that Justin would soon be returning from the bathroom. He rubbed his forehead with his right hand, and peered up when Justin’s phone started to ring. Without thinking, he stood up and went to retrieve Justin’s cell from the pocket of his jacket, intending to bring it to the blond, but as he peered down at the lighting screen, he froze.

He felt cold all of a sudden. The phone had just stopped ringing in his hand when he heard Justin calling for him. He didn’t move. His mind went blank.

He didn’t realize that he had given Justin his phone back until Justin placed his hand on his forearm. Peering at him, Brian frowned. It didn’t make sense. Justin was in touch with Jesse? How? For a short moment, Brian entertained the idea that Justin knew someone else named Jesse. But one look at his former boyfriend crushed that illusion for good.

“I think I have some explaining to do,” Justin murmured as he stared into Brian’s eyes, pleading silently for Brian to listen to him.

Brian wanted to say no, but as he looked into Justin’s concerned eyes, he couldn’t. Whatever Justin was going to reveal to him, he didn’t want to lose the emerging relationship they shared now. However, he wasn’t sure he could deal with new revelations, either. There was only so much a man could take in one day before he snapped, and furthermore Brian wasn’t known to be the best tempered man on this planet.  

“You’re right,” Brian replied dryly. “Why don’t you order some food while I go take a shower? I could really use one right now,” he proposed as he went to retrieve some take-out menus from his desk drawer.

“Sure,” Justin agreed tentatively as he grabbed the menus Brian gave him.  Without another look at him, Brian headed to the bathroom. This time it was Justin who watched the other man retreating from him.  

Brian closed the door behind him. At first, he just stood still, his back to the door and his jaw tight, his hand still on the handle. He had no idea how long he stayed there. He eventually undressed and entered the shower stall. He stayed under the cascade of water until it turned lukewarm, trying to shut off his brain.

His heart was beating faster than usual when he joined Justin in the living room. Whatever would happen now, Brian only hoped it would not destroy what he and Justin had overcome in order to restore a friendship, and to build a future.