July 2005, a Few Hours later, Emmett’s Apartment...

Someone was banging on the door. Continually. It was 2:50 AM on Friday morning, and Michael had little doubt about who was bold enough to show up at this ungodly hour, not giving a shit if he woke up the whole building in the process or not.

Michael put his pillow over his head, exhaling loudly while cursing under his breath. He didn’t want to get up, but he needed to or his neighbors would come and rip him a new one soon. He’d just hoped Emmett would have been the first one to get up; but apparently, his roommate either didn’t want to, or was in too deep a slumber to bother - which was a possibility, because his bedroom was at the opposite side of the apartment. Furthermore, there was also a chance that he had not come home tonight, and was still enjoying himself somewhere.

Reluctantly, Michael stood up and shuffled out of his room before heading towards the front door, turning on several lights along the way. The banging wasn’t so loud now, but it hadn’t stopped, either.

Grasping the handle and opening the door, Michael didn’t see anyone at first and frowned. He took a step forward, checking the hallway in front of the apartment. Not noticing anything in the darkness, he eventually peered down.

There he was. Brian was half-sitting, half-leaning by the right side of the door, his back against the wall with his legs stretched out in front of him. His head was down, but apparently his brain was still functioning enough to register that he didn’t have to lift his arm to pound on the door anymore, even if he hadn’t acknowledged Michael yet.

Eventually, Brian gazed up and tried to peer at his friend, but from the look on his face, Michael understood immediately that he was completely wasted.

“... the fuck?” Michael complained. Brian sported a weird, goofy smile on his face, and he also appeared to have difficulty keeping his eyes open.

“I knocked…” Brian slurred. “That was the polite thing to do, right, Mikey? I wanted to climb the building like Spidermaaan, but my feet didn’t agree with me. They’re sooo mean.”

Michael shook his head in disapproval, but nonetheless he bent down to help Brian stand up. “Stop playing smartass; I’m really not in the mood! Do you know what time it is? Jesus!” He cursed as Brian almost lost his balance when he stood up, but the man succeeded in remaining on his legs by leaning against the wall. He was grinning like an idiot, though.

“You’re sooo sweeeeet, Mikey. And you have beauuutiful eyelashes.” Brian frowned, concentrating on Michael’s furrowed brow, apparently, thanks to just enough light coming from the apartment. “How the fuck did I never notice it befooore?” He slurred again.

Michael rolled his eyes. “Come on. Don’t stay in the hallway.” He placed his arm around Brian’s waist and helped him enter the apartment. Taking advantage of the fact that Brian was now leaning on him but seemed balanced enough not to fall, he led him immediately to one of the guest room.

Michael succeeded in making Brian lie down on the bed, or rather, helped him crash down onto the mattress with little finesse. Brian groaned, but didn’t move from his position, having ended up on his back. “I never thought... you were such a wild brute,” he complained lazily with a smirk, his eyes opening and closing very slowly now. He was obviously about to pass out.

How Brian could still mock him fondly while being completely high was a mystery to Michael. But he couldn’t help but grin back a little. “Stop complaining. You’re lucky that I let you in at all,” Michael replied with a snort. He took off Brian’s shoes and socks before helping him off with his jacket; Brian lifted his arms obediently and somewhat straightened himself so Michael could remove it.

“You looove me…” He eventually responded, his voice trailing off. He was falling asleep.

“Fucker,” Michael muttered tenderly under his breath. He unbuttoned Brian’s jeans and took them off, too, Brian merely raising his hips to help him. At last, the brunet was wearing only his shirt and underwear as Michael put a blanket on him.

“Wait…” Brian suddenly uttered. “Whaaat ...time?” He asked drowsily. And yet, Michael also sensed that Brian was becoming agitated. Staring at his wasted friend, he realized that he hadn’t had the time to ask him why he was here, and not at home with Justin.

“It’s three a.m. You should get some sleep.” Michael answered, trying to reassure him. He wanted to go back to sleep, and the sooner Brian was out, the better.

Brian moaned in response. “J’stin…”

“Don’t worry. I’m sending him a text as soon as you behave like a good boy and just shut up. It’s late, Brian. I’d like to go back to sleep,” Michael scolded him softly. He leaned down to place a chaste kiss on his friend’s lips, which tasted like Beam and cigarettes, before standing up with the firm intention of trodding back to his room and trying to fall back asleep as soon as possible.

“Now!” Brian gripped his wrist urgently, effectively preventing his friend from leaving. Michael frowned as he looked down at Brian’s hand on him. Looking up, his gaze meet Brian’s pleading eyes. “Call him...Tell him.”

Michael sat back down and looked at Brian quizzically. The brunet winced and leaned his head back on the pillow, murmuring, “... he must be worried...you need… should be home...how much I… don’t…” Michael didn’t understand everything he was saying, but he could see that Brian was kind of freaking out. Something serious must have happened between him and Justin for him to appear completely drunk at his door in the middle of the night. Michael had rarely seen him acting like this before.

“Okay. I’m going to call him now. Just try to get some rest,” Michael commanded gently, but Brian just squeezed his wrist even harder.

Michael could have almost sworn that Brian was definitely more sober as he gazed up at him, his eyes unexpectedly betraying a sadness that made Michael chest’s tighten.  “Promise me, Michael… now.”

Michael found it hard to breathe suddenly. Brian rarely used his formal name, except when he was trying to make a point. He placed his other hand on top of his friend’s hand. “I promise.”

Brian nodded imperceptibly and eventually let go. He was passed out within seconds.

“Okay… let’s get this over with,” Michael mumbled to himself, feeling a surge of adrenaline coursing through his veins. He really didn’t like the idea of calling Justin after three a.m. in the morning to inform him that his drunk-out-of-mind boyfriend was currently snoring and drooling on the pillow in the guest room. But Brian was right; he needed to reassure Justin that his boyfriend was indeed okay, at least physically. Emotionally, he wasn’t quite sure. So despite his extreme weariness, Michael sat down on the couch, pressed the keys on his cell phone, put it on his ear, and waited.

Justin picked up after one ring. Peering at the caller I.D., he sighed loudly as the phone call connected, but he didn’t utter a word. He was lying in his bedroom wide awake, and was just waiting for Michael to say something. Anything.

He had been waiting for Brian to come home all night, feeling angry, pissed, frustrated, and everything in between. He had cleaned the apartment twice as a result, and had finally gone to bed at 2:30 a.m.; yet for the past fifteen minutes, anxiety had joined the rush of mixed emotions he was experiencing. Brian always came home before three a.m., and yet, he wasn’t there; what if something had happened to him?

That had been his worry until he saw Michael’s name on his phone’s screen, anyway. After that, he just didn’t trust himself to say anything without completely losing it.

Michael sensed immediately that Justin was really tense. The lack of speech gave it away. Thank you very much, Brian. He couldn’t help but blame his friend inwardly. “Justin?” He finally muttered, raising his eyebrows.

“Is that a big surprise?  You’re the one calling ME, Michael,” Justin pointed out.  He couldn’t help feeling a twinge of guilt over the sharp edge to his voice; after all, it wasn’t Michael’s fault if his boyfriend was an asshole, but he couldn’t help himself. The only reassuring thought was that if Michael was calling him and not babbling non-stop right now, it meant Brian was okay. Probably.

“Hey! You might have a good reason to be pissed at him, but don’t take it out on me, understand?” Michael retorted a little too loudly, stopping himself from adding anything else. He took a deep breath to compose himself before resuming more quietly, “Or I swear - next time I will leave him sleeping on our doorstep, and YOU will have to come and pick his sorry ass up off the floor in the middle of the night.” He was tired of dealing with his two friends. They really deserved each other at times.

“Sorry…” Justin mumbled tiredly, inwardly relieved to know that Brian was alright.

Michael sighed. “Justin… Brian unexpectedly showed up and banged on the door like a maniac until I opened it twenty minutes ago...and now he’s passed out. I don’t know what happened between the two of you...but you need to get your shit together,” Michael stated curtly, before softening his voice. “He was upset, Justin. I mean…Did the two of you have a fight or something?”

Michael heard Justin chuckle sarcastically. “You could say that,” he eventually replied, before adding, “I’m just...Brian is and always will be Brian Kinney. And right now, I’m just tired of dealing with it, you know?” he revealed, the tone of his voice betraying how exhausted he really felt.

Michael pinched his lips, ready to start the whole ‘you’re not someone who gives up’ speech. “Justin,” he began, but he didn’t have time to elaborate any further before he was interrupted.

Justin cut him off. “He is so infuriating sometimes! And I…I’m not even sure he will ever believe in relationships, much less acknowledge that he is in one. Seriously, how fucked up is that?” he said wearily.

“You’re wrong,” Michael stated firmly.

“Am I?” Justin questioned. “Truly, Michael, am I? You know him as well as I do. You really believe he will wake up one day, and actually decide he can just live like a normal person and actually express his feelings for a change, instead of always hiding behind this fucking facade he’s always showing to the rest of the world?”

Michael sighed. “I know he can be infuriating and act like a selfish, self-centered prick, making you feel as if you aren’t enough sometimes; but Justin, you have to believe me. He would be lost without you. He loves you.” Michael tried to make his friend see the truth.

“You really think that, huh?” Justin inquired with a frown. Most of the time, he didn’t doubt Brian’s feelings, but sometimes, it was as if he didn’t know anymore. Sometimes, he felt like he just needed to breathe. Loving Brian Kinney was so fucking complicated. At least, boredom will never be the reason why we couldn’t make it work, Justin couldn’t help but think.

Michael confirmed, “Yeah. It’s good that one of us can clearly see how deeply he feels about you, and how much he’s already changed because of you. I think you’re completely blind to it sometimes.”

“I am not,” Justin insisted.  But inside, he was wondering. Was he?

“You ARE,” Michael countered with a smile. “Listen, Brian is here, and whatever happened between you two is not going to be resolved tonight; so why don’t you try to get some rest, and let him sleep it off?”  

“I probably should,” Justin relented. He pinched his nose and rubbed his forehead, before adding, “Okay.” He was grateful for Michael. Brian needed his best friend to take care of him, too, and Michael had never failed him; or them.

“I will tell him to call you tomorrow. Now, get some sleep and I will do the same. Some of us have to work in…” Michael looked at the clock, “Shit! I need to be up in less than three hours!  Remind me to tell your boyfriend I truly hate him sometimes,” Michael complained.

“Sure you do,” Justin responded with a knowing smile. As if Michael could ever blame Brian for more than thirty seconds.

“Sweet dreams, Blondie,” Michael teased his friend playfully with a smile of his own.

“You too, Astro Man,” Justin shot back before hanging up. It was the name that he always used for Michael to annoy him, mainly because Michael called him “Blondie,” knowing it had irritated him back when they had first met during the time that Michael had been too busy ignoring his existence to please Brian.

Justin let the phone fall onto the bed beside him and peered up at the ceiling, his eyes still wide open. He could feel them moisten slightly, and he cursed inwardly as he rubbed them dry. Soon, he felt himself slowly drifting off, his mind overloaded with conflicting thoughts.

Friday…

Brian went to work the next day. Michael had tried to call him about a thousand times by six p.m., but he had refused to answer. He didn’t feel like trying to justify his behavior. It was humiliating enough that he didn’t really have a clue about how he had ended up at Emmett and Michael’s apartment in the first place. Sure, he could remember a few scenes - Woody’s, Babylon, the backroom, among other things. He also remembered standing in front of his former building, thinking he really wanted to climb like Spiderman and wake Mikey up by tapping on his window. He had contemplated on how to do that, scrutinizing the gutter to gauge its sturdiness; even trying to put a foot on it, and failing to establish any balance. He had shouted loudly at the scratched-up, white pipe then, before explaining to it - as if it could understand him - how he could imagine engaging with Mikey in a homo vendetta across the city as they played Mr. and Mrs. Spiderman and Spiderwoman. The idiotic thought had made him laugh for what had seemed like hours at the time.

He had eventually decided to forgo the gutter and use a safer way to reach the apartment, fortunately. He could recall some cloudy images of his friend tucking him in and taking care of him as he always did. However, when Brian had awakened, he had been alone - neither Emmett nor Mikey had been there - and he had been relieved, even more so when he had discovered that his friend had actually informed Justin about the reason why he hadn’t come home the night before.  

Michael had left a note addressed to him on the kitchen counter, informing him that, one, Justin knew he had spent the night there; two, he needed to call his boyfriend ASAP to let him know that he was still alive even if he smells like death; and three, he was ordered to answer his damn phone and to please begin acting like a normal human being for a change. Brian had chuckled briefly when he had read Michael’s last words. “And no, you’re NOT a superhero; but don’t worry, we love you anyway.”

Brian had arrived late for work. He hadn’t been able to focus, and had almost lost a client because of it. Truthfully, all he wanted was for the day to end, so that he could go back home, crawl into bed, and sleep for a year. He refused to think about how he was going to handle the situation with Justin. He was too exhausted to think about anything anyway.

He came home at precisely 6:22 p.m. according to his cell phone. He checked it as he stood in the elevator. A minute later, he entered his place and listened carefully for any noises that would indicate that Justin was home. He didn’t hear anything.

He walked around the living room slowly, searching for clues; what they were, he didn’t know. Then, he headed towards their room. Peering inside, he noticed that the bed was unmade, and that the room seemed spotless. In fact, all the apartment seemed like it had been cleaned from top to bottom. Brian sighed, scratching his hair nervously, before heading into the bathroom.

He took out his clothes and tossed them into the hamper, before stepping into the shower stall. He let the water massage his shoulders, his head down as he supported his weight with his hands on the ceramic tile, the steamy, moist air quickly filling the confined space.

He was fucking tired. He could feel himself slowly relaxing under the warm cascade of water and becoming more drowsy with each passing second. So, he eventually stepped out, dried himself off, and just fell into bed. He was asleep about forty seconds later.

Several hours earlier…

Justin had managed to sleep for about four hours. He had woken up around seven a.m, searching instinctively for Brian’s body next to him, before remembering the events of the night before.

He rose and showered, but found that he could barely eat anything. He still didn’t understand how such a mundane thing as working with a friend on a common project had produced such a strong, out-of-proportion reaction from Brian. There was probably something he was missing here; after all, Brian’s insecurities had always been hard to deal with.

Justin had signed up for a summer class at PIFA where he could learn about using computer software more effectively to edit a film. He’d hoped that Brian would eventually call him during the day, but he didn’t, and truthfully, a part of him was relieved about not having to talk to him on the phone. Yet, another part of him was disappointed. Avoidance had always been one of Brian’s defense mechanisms; but it still didn’t stop Justin from being pissed, and frustrated as hell.  

He decided to wait to confront him later, because he had promised Spencer that they would work together after his class. Their project was a huge one, and would take at least another couple of weeks to finish. Justin had planned to take two weeks off at the end of August, and he and Spencer had to present their work by the beginning of September. So, he needed to accomplish as much work as possible until then; meaning he would have to spend a lot of time with Spencer. Just thinking about it gave him a headache, because he knew Brian would give him a hard time about it. He would just have to deal with it, one way or another.

Spencer lived in a one room studio not too far from PIFA, so Justin was able to arrive at his place by six p.m.

“So, how did it go with your boyfriend last night?” Spencer eventually asked as he stood next to him, too curious to resist. They had worked for the past hour and a half on Spencer’s computer, perched on a tiny desk in the corner of the room. The redhead had just gone to retrieve two beers from the fridge as Justin studied the screen in front of him.

“It didn’t,” Justin simply answered, taking a sip of his drink, not wanting to elaborate any further about Brian and their falling out.

Spencer snorted without saying anything while he pretended to look at some files.

“What?” Justin frowned.

“Nothing,” Spencer mumbled, shaking his head, but from the look on his face Justin knew that he was lying. Spencer walked towards the sofa bed nearby with his beer and placed it on the small coffee table in front of him.

“You might as well tell me what you’re thinking,” Justin urged, standing up from his chair.

Spencer stared at him intensely before eventually stating, “What I think is, he doesn’t deserve someone like you. But I know you won’t agree, and I don’t want to fight with you about it.”

“You’re right, I don’t.” Justin retorted brusquely. He frowned. “Why do you think that, anyway?”

Spencer shrugged. “I know his reputation, that’s all.”

“He is more than just a reputation,” Justin couldn’t help but reply curtly.

Spencer answered with a nod. “Probably, or you wouldn’t be with him in the first place.” He stood up and took a few steps before stopping in front of Justin. “I just don’t know how you can deal with him. I couldn’t,” he stated with a sincere stare. Or at least he tried to make Justin think he was being sincere.

The truth was, Spencer couldn’t stand Brian. He was convinced that he was a heartless bastard, who only thought about his dick and who would hurt Justin over and over again. And he was ready to prove that to him. He would be a better lover that this man, of that he was certain. Moreover, the more time he spent with Justin, the more he wanted him. His beautiful friend invaded his dreams at night. When he was awake, Justin filled his thoughts. He wanted to kiss him, to hold him, to make love to him. He would have already made a move if he thought Justin would be receptive to his overtures. But he wasn’t. Spencer couldn’t fathom why, but Justin truly cared about Brian.

Justin huffed, “Meaning, you’re one of those right thinking queers that think that monogamy is the answer to everything?”

Spencer gave him a sad smile. “No. I just know that if I had a boyfriend like you, I would make sure he knows how I feel, that’s all. Monogamy is not my thing, either...but I would consider it with the right person. I mean, that’s what love is all about, right?” He leaned closer to Justin so that he was almost stepping in his private space before adding, “It means doing whatever it takes to make the person you love happy - especially if he is the real deal - because ultimately that would be what makes me happy, too.” Spencer paused briefly before concluding, “It’s as simple as that.”

Justin leaned back slightly. Spencer was staring at him with that look, the one that told Justin everything he needed to know. He needed to stop his friend right here and right now. He couldn’t let him think that he was interested, or even falling for his pretty words. “It’s not love if you become someone you don’t want to be in the first place.”

“And who is talking here? You? Or Brian?” Spencer inquired pointedly as he leaned in closer to Justin’s face again. The blond didn’t respond, but Spencer could see that he had struck a nerve. Inwardly gloating, he couldn’t help planting one further seed of doubt in his friend’s head. “You’re really sure this is what you want? To be with someone that you already know will never be the man you want him to be?”

Justin stood there in shock. His relationship with Brian was his business, not Spencer’s; or anyone else’s for that matter. How dare Spencer question it? How dare he trivialize his love for Brian? As if he was just a boytoy wasting his time, dreaming that the man who fucked him would change into Prince Charming. As if Brian didn’t feel anything at all.

And yet, some of Spencer’s words cut him deeply, even though his friend didn’t really know shit.

Justin glared at Spencer and finally announced with a murdering stare, “I think we’re done for today.” He grabbed his jacket and his backpack, threw his files and books inside, and looked back one last time at the other man. “I will call you on Monday so that we can finish the graphics. After that, we need to reserve the media room to begin editing the video.”

“Sure, whatever you want.” Spencer agreed as he went back to sit at his desk.

Justin left the apartment without looking back. Thus, he didn’t see the smug grin on Spencer’s face as he stared at Justin’s retreating form.

Later, Justin found Brian asleep in their bed, lying on his stomach completely naked, his legs spread underneath the duvet that was only partially covering him, a lock of hair falling into his eyes. He seemed so peaceful, and Justin was mesmerized by the sight, so much so that he allowed himself to forget about his own anger for a moment. He grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, and let his love for this man fill the drawing.

He would deal with his conflicted feelings tomorrow.

The Next Day…

Brian woke up at six a.m, after having slept for eleven hours straight. His mind was foggy at first, until his eyes landed on the sleeping form next to him.  That was when it all came flooding back.

Moving on his right side to face Justin, who was lying on his stomach, his arms underneath the pillow, Brian stared at him for a long time, itching to touch his skin. His fingers eventually laced themselves in Justin’s golden hair as he caressed the locks softly until his hand stilled. Justin had opened his eyes and was now staring at him intently, his face expressionless. Brian curled his fingers into a fist in Justin’s hair, but he finally began to move them again, lightly trailing them down Justin’s back.

“Brian…” Justin said softly, making him pause slightly. He couldn’t look at him, couldn’t stand to see the anger and pain in Justin’s eyes. So he resumed his exploration with his hand, not sure what he was waiting for or expecting. He just knew he had always been better at expressing himself with his fingers, his lips, and his body, and that words had never been his ally when he had fucked up in the past. Why did the words terrify him so much, even though he used them effectively every day to make a lucrative salary, he couldn’t explain it. Yet, they failed him wherever Justin was concerned.

Justin sighed loudly, turning his head so Brian couldn’t see his face anymore. Brian realized that Justin was giving up on the tiny hope he’d held onto that he would apologize this time. And he hated it. So, for once he did what he normally would never do. He leaned closer and caressed Justin’s skin as he whispered, “I’m sorry,”

Justin turned his head to stare at him, his eyes inscrutable and not revealing anything. Brian felt like his chest would explode if he didn’t do something, so he leaned in and kissed Justin. He hadn’t meant for it to be more than just a kiss, but the first taste of his lover’s lips triggered something deep inside him, so much so that he just turned off his thoughts and let his body take over. He almost jumped on Justin and devoured his mouth, his hands gripping Justin’s hips, his fingers thirsty for his skin. Justin responded with an equal force, and almost shouted when Brian suddenly moved down his body and engulfed his cock in heat.

There was nothing like it. Nothing like the feeling of Justin’s semi-hard cock growing beneath his tongue, the smell and taste of his arousal invading his every sense. Brian was completely consumed by it, and he was now making love with his mouth as a result.

It wasn’t enough. He needed more. Grabbing Justin’s ankles, then his thighs, he lifted them up and bent down to lick Justin’s balls thoroughly, sucking them into his mouth, before proceeding to lick his way to his ass. Brian began to rim Justin, the young man completely under his control by now, uttering incoherent pleas and begging Brian to take him deeper, whatever that meant. Brian could feel his lover relaxing beneath the warmth of his tongue and opening around his fingers, the thought of pushing inside Justin becoming almost too much to bear.

When Justin grabbed his shoulder urgently and made him fall forcibly onto his back, Brian allowed it willingly. The blond unrolled a condom on Brian’s cock as quickly as he could, worshiping Brian’s neck with his lips and tongue. Brian couldn’t take anymore as he grabbed the back of Justin’s head to kiss him some more. At the same time, he took hold of his hungry cock and placed its tip at Justin’s entrance, Justin’s hand soon coming to surround his own as the blond whispered breathlessly, “Want to feel you.”

They started kissing frantically again when Justin forced his way onto Brian’s cock, their hands still joined between them, just as the brunet pushed his hips off the bed. They both moaned in each other’s mouth as Brian penetrated Justin fully. In the end, they had to break their kiss to breathe, the two men snapping their hips together to intensify the pleasure they were both feeling, while their bodies melted into each other, their hands searching frantically for more skin.

As the pleasure he was feeling threatened to spiral out of controll, Brian rolled them over again so that he was on top and he placed his hands on both sides of Justin’s body, Justin’s ankles encircling his waist. He began to pound inside Justin, harder and harder, as deep as he could, completely lost in the pure ecstasy he was feeling, sparks coursing throughout his body.

Justin had thrown back his head, his neck exposed for Brian’s touch; he placed one of his legs on his lover’s shoulder so that Brian could fuck him deeper, the blissed expression on his face making Brian’s cock expand even more.

They couldn’t last. They were lost. Brian’s thrusts became shorter. The tone of his moans sounded higher. Pleasure could be such a powerful thing. It could make them forget everything but the connection they’ve always felt with each other. For Brian, it was also the easiest way to tell Justin everything he needed to hear.

And to make sure that Justin heard him loud and clear.

And now, as Brian’s orgasm exploded inside of his lover at the sight of Justin coming without being touched, as seemingly endless cries of pleasure filled the room, Brian vowed silently that he would do everything in his power to keep Justin around for a long time.

Maybe ‘everything’ would be enough...maybe he would be enough.