Pittsburgh, September 2014

It was a Saturday when it happened.

Justin Taylor has just returned three weeks ago to the city where he’d become a man after having been gone for eight years. Pittsburgh was the place where he had been born and had grown up, that special ground that would always hold a part of himself. He had so many memories here; good ones that made him want to laugh out loud, but also bad ones; memories that even to this day would bring unwanted emotions to the surface.

Walking along the sidewalk in a particular neighborhood, he remembered when, at fourteen, he’d drunk too much tequila at Daphne’s house. The thought made him smile, recalling he’d spent the entire evening on the ugly floor in her bathroom, feeling miserable and pathetic, while swearing to his best friend - who hadn’t been in much better shape - that he wouldn’t drink a single drop of alcohol again for his entire life; like every teenager who had gotten drunk for the first time and felt like he wasn’t going to survive, that promise had been one he had wound up not being able – and willing - to keep.

Then, passing in front of a dark window, he saw his sixteen-year-old self trying to enter a sex-shop, only to be thrown out immediately by the seller. Wearing sneakers, jeans and a hoodie, he had looked like he’d barely hit puberty, so it wasn’t surprising that his first attempt at discovering this forbidden world had been unsuccessful. But back then, Justin had been curious and almost obsessed.

He had wanted to get laid. Desperately. And, more than anything, he had wanted to become a man. A real man.

Justin had lost his virginity to a stranger. He’d been seventeen and reckless, eager to discover what everyone was babbling about, this pleasure that rules the world. Yet, it’d been a painful experience, as he was stupid enough to think that “Mister Ideal Man” would come along into the night and make love to him with kindness and gentle caresses. Thus, as it came to mind now, he couldn’t even really remember what the man had looked like, or even his name. Definitely not a memorable first time by any stretch of the imagination.

Today he liked to think that he’d just been an innocent and idealistic young man. Moreover, losing his virginity hadn’t really changed him. That was not the night when he ceased to believe in his dreams; no, that moment came exactly eleven months and twelve days later, when he was left to die in a parking lot.

Pittsburgh represented his past. It was the place where he had been attacked at his prom because some stupid jerk couldn’t stand the idea of him being a proud and out young gay man. Even now the thought still made him very angry, knowing someone’s ignorance and fear had resulted in stealing an entire year of his life away from him. If not for his encounter with Emmett and Brian when he was nineteen – and to a lesser degree their friends – he might have given up on life by the age of twenty.

Brian…His name echoed in his head like a symphony, churning up so many feelings, even now after all these years. He was the first man he had ever loved, the kind of love that consumed everything, making you believe that this was it, the thing that you’d been looking for all your life.

Yet, he only had memories now. He hadn’t seen the man, nor heard from him in eight years. Initially when he had first left him, the pain and the ache had been so unbearable that he didn’t think he could ever be in a relationship or love again. Healing from their break-up had taken years. Some days, Justin hadn’t even been sure that he would ever be able to bond with another man again. Eventually, though, time had served to ease his pain, and Justin had finally succeeded. He’d moved on.

He’s been in a happy relationship for two years. Tyler is a good man, and Justin hoped that he might just be ‘the one.’ In a couple of months, they would be reunited for good, Tyler having stayed behind in Italy for the time being to wrap up a few things, while Justin came back to the States to start his new job as a graphic artist at a promising company in Pittsburgh.

He had debated for a short time before applying for the position and eventually accepting the job. When his mother had informed him that she’d heard about this firm from a friend, he’d felt like it was time…Time to forge on in a new adventure, and to come back to the States; and if he had to return to his hometown to do it, it was fine with him. He was ready.

Tyler, a New Yorker himself, would follow him soon. His boyfriend would be as glad as he was to be closer to all the friends they’d left behind when they’d moved two years ago.

The experience in Europe had been wonderful, though; one they had chosen to undertake in the early stages of their relationship. They had been involved for barely a month when Tyler had come up with this crazy idea about travelling in Europe for a couple of years. Justin had reacted with impulsive enthusiasm to his idea, and the next thing he knew, they were living in Italy. And thanks to Tyler’s connection – his mother was Italian, and consequently had several members of her family living in the country – they had managed to enjoy that period in their lives even more.

But now, Justin was back. And he didn’t know it yet…but everything was about to change.

It was not going to be an ordinary day.

“You really want to go to the movies?” Justin asked, incredulity dripping from his voice as he listened to his oldest friend speaking over the phone. He was pacing in the living room of his new place, looking at the bright sky which flooded the space with light through three large windows.

“Stop whining. You’re too old for that,” Daphne quipped, obviously pleased with herself.

“Fuck you! Thirty-one is not old…” Justin retorted, pausing in the middle of the room as he ran his hand through his hair. “I just don’t understand your need to be stuck inside at a movie theater when we could be enjoying the nice weather outside. Have you seen how sunny it is?” he asked her hopefully, not liking the idea of being cooped up watching a movie for the next two hours.

But his hope was short-lived. “And, your point is?” Daphne retorted.

Justin huffed playfully, now leaning on the back of his sofa. “You really want me to spell it out for you?”

“Justin…I’ve wanted to see this movie like…forever.” Daphne was a doctor working seventy hours a week - in a good week. She was also single and totally fine with her situation. Or so she claimed, even if Justin wasn’t convinced of that. “But going alone is so depressing! You’ve abandoned me for two years, and…”

“Yeah, I know,” he replied, playing along.  “I mean, really, Daph; how could you survive without me, huh?” Justin teased her before relenting. “Okay, okay! You can stop your self-pity party; I’ll go with you. But I warn you, if there aren’t any hot guys in the movie, I will leave you again, for good this time...”

“You’re the best!” Daphne squealed.

Justin shook his head in amusement before asking, “What time?”

“Two p.m. The movie starts at 2:30.”

Justin nodded, looking at his watch. It was 1:20 p.m. now. “Okay, I’ll be there.”

“Thanks! You won’t regret it…” Daphne promised.

I wouldn’t bet on it…“We’ll see about that,” he answered her out loud.  “And…Daphne?” He raised his eyebrows, even if she couldn’t see him.

“Yeah?” came the fake, timid reply.

“Don’t be late,” Justin ordered.

“You know me…” Daphne sing-songed.

“…too well,” Justin finished her sentence, enunciating the words slowly before hanging up with a bemused smile.

Life is strange.

As Justin headed toward the movie theater, he couldn’t have predicted that he would see his first lover again a few minutes later. One day, he’d remember this moment and he’d understand that everything he went through, everything he’d lived, was meant to happen this way. He’d even like to think that it was written since the first day he’d laid eyes on Brian Kinney.

Still, at that moment, he had been clueless. Blind. Even deaf to some extent.

Daphne was late. Of course.

Justin stood in front of the theater, alternating between pacing and standing still as he observed the waiting line growing bigger with each passing minute. If his best friend wasn’t there in the next five minutes, he swore to himself that he would make her take a walk with him instead. They could even head to Liberty Avenue, since he hadn’t set foot there in years. Truthfully, he was curious to rediscover the city. And, if he was perfectly honest, he was also scared and excited, all at the same time. Finally in exasperation, Justin grabbed his phone, and was debating calling Daphne when it happened…

When he heard someone calling his name for the first time in eight years. Someone whose voice he knew intimately, and would never forget.

Loving Brian Kinney had been the best thing that had ever happened in Justin’s life…and the worst. The best, because Brian had saved him, bringing back his will to live. In the aftermath of the bashing, Justin had just been a shadow of himself as he tried just to keep breathing; and when he’d met Brian, the older man had given him the strength he needed. But, all hadn’t been easy; far from it. Brian had had his own demons to deal with; his own story which had held him back. At first, they had hated each other.

Then in the end, the demons had finally triumphed over them.

“Justin?”

That voice. It felt like a punch to his gut. He would have recognized it anywhere.

Justin couldn’t see his face. He had to turn around first, and if not for a slight hesitation, he could have pretended that hearing him hadn’t affected him at all. Still, he was grateful for that small reprieve, which allowed him to take a couple of breaths to try and control his beating heart before finally reacting.

Turning around, Justin didn’t look directly at Brian. He would have done it eventually - he felt like his chest was going to explode, but he wouldn’t run away, either; yet that wasn’t the reason why he didn’t raise his eyes. In front of him, a child was staring at him with a questioning look and a frown on his face Justin knew all too well. And for an instant Justin couldn’t breathe, because he suddenly realized that this young boy had to be Brian’s son.

Brian has a son?

Justin finally gazed up and met Brian’s eyes. And, if at first he’d had trouble looking at his former lover, now he couldn’t tear his gaze away. He felt his chest tightening even more, and realized that even if he’d thought that he was over Brian, he’d been wrong. He had maybe healed, but he was certainly not immune.

The man standing before him was different from the man he had left eight years ago. His facial features had transformed with maturity; he oozed assurance, charisma and…sex appeal. Brian was even more beautiful at thirty-five than he had been at twenty-seven. Moreover, there was something about him that Justin couldn’t identify. Was it awe that he was seeing in his eyes? Astonishment? Surprise? Something else?

“You’ve lost your tongue? Or, is it my mere presence that makes you look like you’re going to faint? Well, you wouldn’t be the first one…” Brian quipped in order to break the deafening silence that was dragging on for far too long. He was sporting a fake smile on his face, but as fast as it appeared, his eyes softened as a serious expression took its place instead.

“I…” Justin mumbled, feeling paralyzed; a few seconds later, he noticed the mischievous gleam in Brian’s eyes, the one he had witnessed numerous times in the past. He gazed down briefly and smiled before looking up again, finally finding his voice. “I just never imagined seeing you again…like this, I mean…” he hastily added, not wanting Brian to think that he was not happy to see him.

Because he was.

“And who is this young man?” Justin finally asked, gazing down. He had wanted to question Brian since he had first laid eyes on the young child standing at his former lover’s side.

“This is Gus,” Brian responded, ruffling the young boy’s hair affectionately. Then, he added, staring intently at Justin as if he wanted to gauge his reaction, “My son.”

Justin didn’t react. He’d already guessed this was Brian’s son. Gus was the spitting image of him.

“Say ‘Hi’, Gus,” Brian ordered his son softly, placing his hand on the boy’s back to encourage him.

“Hi…” Gus responded bashfully, partially hiding behind his father.

Justin smiled at the boy. “How old are you, Gus?”

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Brian swallow hard and heard him clearing his throat. Yet, when Gus looked at his father as if to ask permission to answer Justin’s question, Brian finally relented.  “Tell Justin how old you are, Sonny Boy,” he gently urged him.

“I’m seven and a half years-old!” Gus replied proudly.

Justin smiled at the boy, while understanding immediately why his former lover appeared to be uncomfortable. Addressing Brian, he struggled to come up with a suitable reply but failed. “He is…” were the only two words he was able to pronounce.

“Yeah…” Brian acquiesced, seemingly embarrassed; still, Justin could see Gus meant a lot to Brian. His eyes were filled with kindness every time he looked at his son.

“I…” Even surmising who the child’s father was, Justin was still astonished to discover the news. No one had told him that Lindsay had kept the baby. But then, the name of Brian had been banned from his life for such a long time, it wasn’t surprising that Justin didn’t know. “It’s great…I mean…” Justin didn’t know what to say, even less what to feel, and finding the right words was impossible.

But he didn’t have to. “I know,” Brian whispered. It was more than just mere words, it felt like an apology.

Finally, Brian asked, trying to change the subject for both of them, “So, what are you doing here?”

“I moved back three weeks ago.” Justin explained before he paused, letting the information sink in. He didn’t dare look at Brian. “And right now, I’m waiting for Daphne. We were supposed to go to a movie, but you know how she is. Punctuality isn’t her strong suit.” Justin was trying to be casual, but it was a hard task. He was grateful, though, that his and Brian’s conversation was steering towards a safer subject. Seeing Brian again was causing a lot of memories to emerge, and Justin’s emotions were all over the place. He couldn’t let Brian see how affected he was to see him again.

“No shit…” Brian smiled, tongue in cheek.

“Dad!” Gus chastised his father.

“Sorry…” Brian rolled his eyes. “Well, we’re going to see…What is it again?”

“Dragon 2!” Gus exclaimed, clearly more excited by the prospect of seeing the cartoon than staying on the sidewalk to talk to his dad’s old ‘friend.’

“Yeah…that.” Brian raised his eyebrows and smirked. “So, I’m afraid we have to shorten our lovely conversation, or I will have to deal with a very upset little boy …” He elbowed Gus playfully, who was visibly aggravated to hear his father’s words.

“I’m not little! I’m gonna be as tall and strong as you real soon!” He retorted.

“Sure you will… Eventually…” Brian smiled, a real smile this time. “Come on, then…”

Turning to face Justin one last time, Brian looked down briefly before gazing over at him to say, “It was good seeing you again, Justin.” He seemed to hesitate for a second before adding, his eyes locked on his former lover’s, “I mean that.”

Justin’s heart was once again beating too fast under Brian’s piercing gaze, which both of them knew was much more than just a casual glance. Moreover, it looked like Brian were having an inner conversation and debating with himself about his next move.

As if he came to some internal decision, Brian surprised Justin by retrieving a business card from the back pocket of his jeans. “I…” Brian looked down at the card he was holding in his hands before meeting his gaze again. “If you…” He cleared his throat once more.

“Okay.” Wait…What? Justin didn’t have the time to consider his words. Brian gave him the card, while carefully avoiding touching his hand.

“Okay, then…” Brian passed his hand through his hair, before pinching the bridge of his nose. “Call me if you need anything, or just…you know…” He shrugged, like he wanted to pretend their conversation wasn’t such a big deal, even if they both knew perfectly well that it was a lie. Then, he reached for Gus’ shoulder, nodded at Justin and turned around.

Justin barely nodded back as Brian and Gus moved towards the door to the theater complex and soon disappeared inside. Brian didn't look back.

He was still standing at the exact same spot when Daphne arrived ten minutes later.

Needless to say, they didn’t go to a movie that day.