Brian's POV

I came around to the sounds of crying, a very familiar cry. Justin.

So I wasn't dead.

But he'd sure kill me.

"Brian." He sobbed with relief, grabbing my hand when I opened my eyes. His face was red, tear-stained, and drawn like I'd never seen it before.

"What happened?" I was afraid of the answer. "Peanut?" I touched my stomach. Dread coursed through my veins when I didn't find my firm bump. There was only soft skin. "Peanut!" I shoved the blanket out of the way and found my stomach almost as flat as before the madness began. "What? No… Justin!"

He burst into a fresh round of tears, pressing my hand to his face and soaking it in the process.

"No. No. No." I could feel my own hot tears rolling down my cheeks, but my sole focus was to know what the fuck happened. Where is my Peanut?

I must have said it aloud, because Justin shifted closer, clearing his throat. "She's…so tiny."

My eyes widened. "We didn't lose her?" I sighed with relief.

"Chances are fifty-fifty," he whispered.

"Why did they take her out? She'd be better inside."

"They had to." He threw his arms around me. "You almost died. Leo saw the ambulance at our house and called me. That's when I saw you'd called. Fuck, Brian. I'm so sorry I didn't hear the phone. When I rushed home and found the door open and your phone on the stairs…and neither of you home, I called Dr. Hunt. He was in surgery with you."

"What happened," I repeated, trying to understand what the fuck was going on.

"He said neither of you should have made it. It was like spontaneous abortion, or so he claimed. Don't ask anything else, I didn't pay much attention. I'm still dizzy with everything that happened in the past few hours. Though, he said it helped you're a guy, or… Yeah. Anyway, there was something between you and Peanut that didn't work."

"You mean my body repealed Peanut?"

"I think so."

"That's fucked." I hugged him closer, keeping my face in his neck. "How's Munchkin?"

"I found him with a nurse, snot down to his chin, his face blotchy, and crying that you were going to die. He fell asleep a little while ago, and Leo offered to take him home."

"Did you tell anyone else?"

"There was no time. It's midnight now. You've been rushed here around four pm," he explained softly.

"Can I see Peanut?"

"Dr. Hunt said you need to get better yourself. Every blood test is messed up. Didn't we discuss this, Brian? You can't scare me like this!" Justin kissed my cheek soundly. "Oh, he took out the uterus…and…this time there's an uglier scar."

"Like I give a fuck about scars," I snapped. "Bring a nurse. I want to see Peanut."

Realizing he shouldn't fight me, he disappeared in search of the nurse on call.

He returned with none other than Dr. Hump, wearing a sheepish look.

A short quarrel later, which I won, of course, I was in a fucking wheelchair (at Dr. Hump's insistence) on my way to the nursery.

Justin steered me down the hallway, passing the ward holding the newborns.

"I think you missed the room, Sunshine," I muttered.

"No. They installed her in a special room." He stopped, stepping in front of me. "I want you to be prepared for what you'll see. Peanut is really small and fragile and…there are a lot of tubes and wires everywhere."

"Justin, open the fucking door."

There were no actual words for the sight before my eyes as Justin rolled me into the room. In the middle of the room was an incubator with Peanut inside, and many beeping machines wired to her. There was also a plastic chair next to the incubator.

"You can't touch her. Dr. Hunt said she's too fragile to come in contact… BRIAN!"

Like I gave a shit.

No one was going to keep me from touching my little Peanut—even for a second. I had to make sure she was real. Her arm seemed to resemble one of Munchkin's crayons, so small and slim; her skin was so soft and seemed breakable under my touch.

My eyes landed on her name tag. Peanut Kinney – 1.9 pounds, 13 inches. On her chart were pages filled with notes on her health.

"What's wrong with her? Why the machines?" I caught Justin's eye, who stood somberly at the foot of the incubator, staring at Peanut.

"No one told me anything. They're still running tests. Besides, I have no idea who to be more worried about." He squeezed my shoulder.

"Definitely her." I stroked the back of my index finger to her tiny hand. Her fingers opened, then closed, before she made a small whining noise.

I snatched my hand back, afraid I'd hurt her. I could barely bear looking at her. The IV in her arm made my stomach turn, the tube in her mouth squeezed at my heart, causing tears to spring in my eyes. I kept watching her chest rising and falling rapidly with each assisted breath.

Justin wrapped both arms around my shoulders, kissing my temple, sensing I wasn't okay. "Want to head back to your room?"

"No. You can call the family, please. I'll stay here with her."

"Brian, don't do this to yourself. It's not your fault."

"If something happens to her, I'll take all the blame." I took a shuddering breath, turning to look at Justin. "I can count on my fingers how many times I arrived home before six in the past month. It's all my fault, Sunshine."

He stroked my hair, moving it away from my eyes, before leaning to kiss me softly. "I love you."

I cupped his cheek, stroking it with my thumb. "I love you, Justin." It wasn't often when I told him the exact words, but at the moment I needed to say it, I needed him to know.

His bright smile lit up the room, if only for a second. "I'll be right outside." He slipped out of the door, pulling his phone out, and throwing me a small smile over his shoulder.

oOo

It took a lot of convincing on Justin and Dr. Hump's part to drag me back to my room. They promised I'd see Peanut in the morning.

I didn't want to leave her alone in there, but they assured me someone was going to be with her all night.

Dr. Hump also tried to reassure me there were good chances for Peanut to make it out of the crucial first forty-eight hours on earth. He went on about babies born in between twenty-six and twenty-nine weeks gestation weighing about two pounds and about fifteen inches long, close to what Peanut had. Their chance of survival was very good. Nine out of ten went home with their parents. Many of these babies grew up healthy. Four out of ten would grow up without long-term health problems. Another four out of ten would have mild or moderate problems and about one out of five would have problems that are more serious. The closer to the twenty-nine weeks gestation the baby was born, the smaller the risk for long-term health problems.

None of his words made me feel any better. True, a small part of me sagged in relief, but there was that nagging feeling that what if Peanut was one of those few babies with problems?

I slept fitfully.

Every hour I'd wake feeling like something was missing, then I remembered Peanut didn't like it inside me and decided to join the outside world faster.

Only after dawn, I managed to get some sleep. When I opened my eyes, I found Munchkin in bed with me. He hugged my arm tightly when he noticed I was awake.

"My little hero," I praised, kissing all over his face. "How are you, buddy?"

He kissed my cheek wetly and soundly. "I was so scared, Daddy!"

"I know, Munchkin. I was scared too, but you were very brave."

"Dada said baby sis is here."

"Yes. You can't meet her yet. She's very small and…" might not make it. He had the right to meet her, which made me change my mind. "Later, okay?"

He nodded, burrowing closer into my arms. I shifted in a better position, not having the heart to tell him my stomach hurt like a motherfucker.

"Where's dada," I asked, curious of where my twat was.

Patrick opened his mouth to answer, but just then the door opened. In came an ashen-face Debbie, followed closed behind by Justin who wore a guilty expression.

I rolled my eyes, keeping Munchkin close.

"Brian!" Debbie dove into my arms, squishing poor Munchkin between us. My stomach muscles spasmed, making me groan in pain. "I was so worried. I didn't sleep at all last night!"

I pushed her away gently, pressing a palm to my stomach. "You and me both," I muttered. "I'm fine," I added to Justin whose eyes were on my stomach.

He pursed his lips, shaking his head. He sat at the foot of the bed, and Patrick crawled into his lap, watching me worried.

Debbie sat at my side, squeezing my free hand, tears springing in her eyes. "You have to be strong, honey."

I gave her a warning look. I didn't want to scare Patrick more than I already had. "Justin, can you take Debbie to see Peanut?"

"Sure. Want to come with me?" He raised an eyebrow to Munchkin.

"No. I'll take him later."

While Justin and Debbie were gone, I kept Munchkin entertained by making him tell me about his time at Keith's. He was in the middle of explaining to me that Kira had no sense of using the right colors while coloring, when Dr. Hump stepped into my room.

"Everything okay?" I asked, seeing he didn't look pleased with whatever result he got for my latest tests.

"We'll discuss it over my next visit, later this afternoon." I appreciated he refrained from saying anything in front of Patrick.

"Any news about Peanut?" I stopped him from leaving.

Dr. Hump shook his head. "You'll be the first to know if anything happens. I promise."

A lump formed in my throat as I watched him slip out the door.

Not long later, Mikey and Ben dropped by to visit.

Munchkin jumped out of the bed, rushing to Michael, hugging him tightly. "Uncle Mikey!" Then he turned to Ben, grinning. "Uncle Ben!"

Michael smiled at Patrick, but when he met my eyes I could see my worry reflected in his. "When Ma said you can't do anything quietly, I didn't quite understand her. Until now." He sat next to me, taking my hand.

I rolled my eyes, snatching my hand back. "Ben, can you take Munchkin to the cafeteria? I'm sure he's hungry."

"I'm not," Munchkin answered, climbing back on the bed and draping himself over my lap.

"Easy." I rearranged him so he wouldn't press to my sensitive stomach.

"Does it hurt, Daddy?"

"A little." I stroked his hair, glancing at Michael. "I'm fine, really. It's only normal to hurt a little," I explained.

"What exactly happened?" Ben inquired, sitting in the chair beside my bed.

"Plain and simple—I overdid it. The doc said my body rejected Peanut. I call bullshit. If that was the case, something would have happened sooner."

"He must know better. Anyway…how is she?" Michael asked.

"How do you think?" I bit on the inside of my cheek to keep myself from bursting in tears.

"Can we see her?"

"Sure. Justin will take you when he comes back. He's there with your mom."

"You said you'll take me to see my lil' sista later!" Munchkin reminded me sternly.

"Yeah. You'll go with your dada and you uncles. I'm tired." Truthfully, if I saw Peanut again, it was likely I was going to throw myself out the first available window.

It was only my fault.

"Did you think of a name?" Ben tried keeping from sinking in the abyss of guilt.

"We didn't do much to prepare for her arrival. We thought we still had a few months until we met Peanut."

In that moment, Justin and Debbie returned, their eyes blood-shot and their faces tear-stained.

"Is Peanut…okay?" The last word caught in my throat, choking me up.

Justin nodded, sketching a smile in greeting for Michael and Ben, before snuggling into my side. He took a shuddering breath, pressing his face into my shoulder.

"We were discussing name options," I said, rubbing a hand over his back.

"Funny, because I was suggesting names for that precious bunny you have there." Debbie beamed, patting my leg.

"How do you like Ruby?" Justin cocked his head to catch my eye.

"I like it. Named after a precious stone." I hugged Justin tighter to my side, staring through Michael, lost in thought. That was when I remembered Debbie boasting one time about the meaning behind Michael's name—a gift from gods. I'd always scoffed at that, but now I finally understood it. "Ruby Michelle," I declared.

Debbie seemed to be the only one catching on the meaning behind the second name. She smiled at me, proudly.

"Ruby sounds cool," Patrick announced loudly, making me jump. He'd been so quiet, I almost forgot he was still draped over my lap. "Now, can I meet Ruby?"

"Sure thing. Want to take Munchkin and Michael and Ben to Peanut?" I nudged Justin's side.

His eyes widened in horror. I could tell he was hurting a lot too, and seeing Peanut again so soon might be too much even for him.

"Never mind. I'll do it." I sighed loudly. When I turned to get out of the bed, he brought me the wheelchair, but I pushed it away, scowling. "I can walk."

Flanked by Mikey and Ben, and holding Munchkin's hand, I took them to Peanut's room. Munchkin kept eyeing me curiously, not knowing me so weak, to actually seek support. I'd take leaning against Ben or Mikey than being rolled around in that chair, even though after all the pain relief medication, I was woozy as hell.

When we stepped into the godforsaken room, the first thing I noticed was the odd noise coming from the machine Ruby was hooked to. Thinking of her as Ruby made her more real, more breakable, tearing my heart apart as I started at the decreasing numbers on the monitor.

I lunged to the red button on the wall, pressing my palm to it.

"Holy shit!" Michael stared in shock at her.

"What's that noise, Daddy?" Munchkin whined, holding his hands to his ears.

Dr. Hump, along with a string of residents rushed into the room. He checked the monitor, then reached into the incubator, checking something. I could barely see over the residents.

"What's wrong, doc?" I demanded, pushing my way closer to Peanut.

Dr. Hump ignored me, firing instructions to his people. My heart pummeled at the few terms I could understand: crashing, lung failure, and OR.

Mikey sensed I needed grounding, and stepped closer, squeezing my hand.

"I'll let you know more when we know what happened. For now, go back to your room and rest," Owen told me seriously. He steered the incubator out the room, still hooked to the machines.

I wanted to run after him and have him promise me to make her better. But I was too physically and mentally drained, and I also knew he'd lie if he promised me such a thing.

"Is my baby sis okay?" Munchkin tugged at my pants, watching me with wide, wet, blue eyes.

"She'll be," I said mechanically. "She has to be. She better be," I muttered.

Ben wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I sagged into his side, while Mikey picked Munchkin up. We trudged back to my room.

Justin was at my side the second we came through the door. The panic in his eyes was raw, but I could barely hold myself, so explaining what happened was too much. Ben answered his hysterical questions about my state and Peanut.

I got in bed, rolled on my side, glaring out the window.

I refused to talk to anyone until I had concrete news about Peanut surviving yet another critical moment. When Dr. Hump would say she was out of this dark period, then I might forgive myself. Until then I'd create death scenarios in my head.

I wasn't sure how I'd go on if something happened to her.