Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

Justin was exhausted from spending another sleepless night at Eric's place. Eric was inconsolable; he was in a deep depression and had Justin very worried. It had been just two days since Beth had died and he hadn't been home once since Brian dropped him off at the hospital. He and Eric had just left the funeral home after making the arrangements when Justin decided he at least needed to grab some of his own clothes. He dropped Eric at his place and used his car to drive home and grab some things.


Justin had been so busy trying to keep Eric afloat and fielding phone calls from sympathizers that he hadn't spoken to Brian once in the last two days. It wasn't until he pulled into the garage and saw Brian's car that it hit him how much he had missed him and that he still had his paintings. He showered quickly and put on his own clothes again before heading upstairs. It was sort of surprising that Brian was home on a weekday afternoon but Justin was anxious to confirm that there was still a connection there, one that surpassed the sexual chemistry.


Brian was beyond furious. His biopsy, originally scheduled for ten that morning, had to be rescheduled to three because apparently the hospital had screwed up and he needed to have his CT Scan before they could do the biopsy. A notice he didn't receive until he was already arrived and had waited forty minutes past his appointment time. That change was enough to alter his entire day's schedule since he had planned to be in a pitch meeting from two to four. Then Diane further made a mess of things when she moved that meeting up to eleven but forgot to update the outlook invite or notify the art department. So the client showed up and the boards weren't ready, catering hadn't delivered any food, the pitch fell completely flat and the sales manager was furious. Cynthia tried to smooth things over between art and sales only to have both turn on Diane, who quit suddenly in frustration making a huge scene in front of yet another client. All of which Brian was unable to do anything about because he was getting his CT scan at the time. He was so irritated by the turn of events that he decided to come home and work instead of going to the office while waiting for his biopsy appointment.


Brian was just about ready to go back to the hospital, scurrying about finding his phone and keys from the table and packing his tablet in his bag just in case he should get stuck waiting again when he heard the knock at his door. Justin's face wasn't what he had expected to find but for a moment the stress of the day lessened and he actually sighed a huff of relief and smiled. That moment passed quickly once Brian realized Justin wasn't smiling, in fact, he looked awful.


"Jesus, what happened to you?" Brian asked, forgetting for a minute that he wasn't supposed to care anymore.


"I haven't slept in a few days. I'm exhausted."


Brian placed his hand on Justin's shoulder and pulled him into the loft against his body. Justin allowed himself to be pulled easily collapsing his weight onto Brian's taller frame, resting his head on Brian's shoulder. Brian felt the load of Justin's weight on him and couldn't help but support him with his arm around his back. He lowered his head, resting his chin on top of Justin's head and stayed with him, neither speaking, until Brian recalled Justin's words about Beth and her death and the burden she was to her son. He pulled back, emotionally and physically, which caused Justin to straighten up and shift his weight onto his own feet again to avoid falling.


Justin looked at Brian as he pulled away from him, noticing for the first time that he didn't look happy to see him and that he had his keys in his hand.


"I'm sorry were you going to work or something?"


Brian nodded, "Yeah, I was on my way out."


"That's okay, I was just going to grab my paintings so they would be out of your way."


Brian led Justin over to where he had placed his paintings, all of them still packaged as they had been when they left the gallery, except for one. The abstract painting that he had so embarrassed himself over was opened and leaning against the shelf in Brian's living room with the canvas facing the wall. Brian had unwrapped it to look at it again when he got home from dropping Justin off at UPMC. He meant to rewrap it but that night, after he decided it wouldn't be right to keep pursuing Justin, he had gone to Babylon and dropped some E. He brought home two men to help him fuck his pain away. While the nameless, faceless men serviced him, it caught his attention and Brian wasn't sure if it was the lighting or the drugs or a combination of both but the painting just held him captive and it seemed to bypass his consciousness and stir his inner feelings. Then while thinking of Justin and staring at the lines and colors and patterns on the vast black canvas, he finally climaxed. Only just when he should have felt nothing but the warmth and tightness of the cavity his cock was buried in; just when he usually felt the complete nothingness that followed his orgasm and gave him such relief and comfort for all these years, he was flooded with overwhelming emotions. He became acutely aware of his loneliness, his fears and his destructive pattern of insolating himself from others when he looked at it that a wave of panic rose in his throat and tears welled up in his eyes. A moment Brian would never share with anyone because he didn't have the emotional intelligence to process it or vocabulary to describe what he was feeling. Then after he kicked the men unceremoniously out of his loft, he turned the painting around to face the wall unable to look at it again.


Justin noticed the positioning of his canvas and gave Brian a questioning look which went unanswered. Justin picked the canvas up and turned it around so the painting was facing them again.


"I'm surprised you picked this one as one of your favorites." Justin said with an earnest smile, "Most of the comments I get on this is that it is dark and unnerving to people. If you want it; I would like you to have it."


Brian didn't know what to say or do. He couldn't think of a reason to turn it down since he had already said it was his favorite but he needed to go to his appointment and he didn't want it or Justin for that matter in his space anymore. It was going to be hard enough to be alone without seeing a daily reminder of it hanging on his wall or having Justin popping in when he was feeling particularly weak and vulnerable.


"Listen Justin", Brian spoke as coldly as he could muster, "I think I've made it more than clear to you that I have no interest in you beyond sex; you are nothing more than a piece of blond boy ass to me. That includes your art and your boyfriend problems and whatever else causes you to pop up here uninvited. Now I've had a horrific day and your latest visit has made me late, so please just take your shit and go."


Justin could hardly control his shock at the cruelty of Brian's words. "Fuck you Brian!" Justin screamed as he snatched up the two of his four canvases and carried them outside of the loft door. When he returned Brian was still standing there watching him with a blank expression, completely without remorse or reaction of any kind. "What the fuck is your problem anyway?" he muttered in disbelief, "I just can't even….I don't…I can't….God, you're such an asshole!" he sputtered out finally before grabbing the last of his paintings and marching back out.


Justin placed the paintings in the elevator and hoped it would arrive soon. While he waited, Brian slipped out his door and locked it, taking the stairs down without so much as a look towards him. He felt confused and rejected and mostly just stupid for falling for someone like him in the first place. He carried his paintings into the loft and slammed the door so hard the picture of him and Eric fell of the wall and broke. He screamed as he picked up the dustpan to pick up the broken glass and tossed the shards into the trash, setting the picture on the countertop. He stared at his image and that of Eric's. He looked happy in the picture; Eric looked happy. Things weren't perfect with him but at least he had someone who really loved him and who he really loved. It should be enough; Justin thought he had wanted more passion but if passion came with heartbreak like this maybe it wasn't worth it.


Justin packed his things into a bag and stormed off back to Eric's still reeling from Brian's rejection. He entered the apartment calling Eric's name when he didn't see him immediately. He walked to the back of the apartment and heard the shower running. He cracked the door to let him know he was back but caught Eric's reflection in the mirror. Although he knew he shouldn't; he stared for a minute. He had seen Eric naked thousands of times before but now he studied him with more scrutiny. Eric was small-framed but not delicate. A thin layer of muscle sat just underneath his toned skin. He had bright, almost gray-blue eyes and satiny dark brown hair which must come from his father's side since Beth was as fair and as blond as Justin. He had boyishly handsome features, not sexy like Brian, but most of Eric's attractiveness came from his sweetness and genuineness. As Justin watched him through the mirror he realized that Eric was crying softly while running the water over his back. The moment struck Justin. He didn't think he had ever seen Eric look more achingly beautiful as he did in that moment. He wished he could paint him but there was no time and taking a picture would be inappropriate but still Justin wanted to capture the moment with something more than his eyes. He entered the small bathroom and stripped his clothes, joining Eric in the shower. He pulled their naked bodies together and ran his hands down Eric's back.


"Justin, what are you…" Eric protested but clung strongly to Justin.


"Shh, let me hold you. Let me kiss you." Justin said as he moved his lips over Eric's. Eric didn't know what was happening exactly but he knew instinctively that Justin needed him. Eric was so dead inside since his mom became sick and wanted to feel alive, even for a moment so although he knew it wouldn't change things he let it happen. He needed Justin and Justin needed him. Justin started off gentle, loving at first, just like it always was between them but then something changed. Justin's hands moved aggressively over his body and once tender touches felt more like groping. Eric wasn't comfortable, this wasn't his Justin, but he didn't stop it at first. Instead he tried to regain control and slid to his knees, taking Justin in his mouth. Licking slowly at his cock building momentum slowly. Justin stared down at Eric on his knees before him and closed his eyes. In his head he saw Brian and felt the burn of his rejection again. Then there was Eric, his Eric, so sweet and loving. This was where he belonged. This is what he needed…simple and uncomplicated. If only they could find their passion, it would be perfect. Justin let the slew of vulgar words and phrases he wanted to say run through his head while Eric suckled him. Only Eric's gentle manipulations were not supporting Justin's fantasy of a heated and passion-filled fuck he needed to prove to himself that Eric was the one for him. He waited it out as long as he could repeatedly trying to coax Eric into a more satisfying pace. He held the back of his head and thrust down Eric's throat, gagging him repeatedly until Eric pulled away in frustration. Justin didn't relent, he pulled Eric up and spun him around, grabbing his hips roughly back towards him and leaning his upper body away. He started pushing into Eric raw and let his mind wonder so far from where he actually was that only Eric screaming, "Justin, No!" pulled him back to reality.


Eric turned around and looked at Justin with confusion and pain. He turned off the shower and left the bathroom with his towel leaving Justin cold, wet and ashamed of what he had done. Justin dried off and followed Eric into the bedroom. "I'm sorry" he offered, sitting next to Eric on his bed pulling his face up to look him in the eyes. "I'm so sorry." He repeated.


Eric nodded and spoke softly, "I'm so confused. You have to tell me what that was about."


Justin shook his head, "I don't know. I was trying to see if we could get some of the passion back. We're so perfect for each other. I thought maybe we could try again."


"Jus, baby, there's a difference between passion and rough sex. I'm never going to be the man you want in bed. We know this. I will always want to make love slowly and tenderly. I will always want to be the more submissive partner but never rough, never like that."


Justin nodded, "I know, I just wanted to try one more time. I'm sorry if I upset you."


"Did something happen today? You were fine when we left the funeral home."


"Yeah, I saw Brian and it's over." Justin admitted.


Eric frowned, "It's over? Why? What happened?"


Justin scrunched up his mouth, unsure of what to say, "I'm sure you don't want to hear about this. It's sort of weird considering I just tried to fuck you again."


"It's okay" Eric assured him, "I just want to help. After all I know you pretty well and I'm sure Daphne is great but we both know she would rather keep you perpetually single and to herself so I'm not sure she will advise you honestly."


Justin laughed softly at Eric's mention of Daphne; he was always been amused by her anti-relationship stance. Justin confided in Eric about what Brian had said to him and his reaction to it and let the information sink in for a minute.


Eric considered the facts as Justin relayed them and was just as puzzled by them. "You know what I think?" Eric spoke sincerely, "I think that Brian really likes you and he's frightened by it and what you're seeing is him struggling to accept that he wants more than sex with you. So I think you should just call him out on that and see what happens."


"Call him out on it?" Justin repeated.


"Yeah" Eric confirmed, "Just go to him and call his bullshit and let him know that you deserve to be with someone that can be honest about their feelings towards you and even if he's scared by them, he doesn't have the right to treat you the way he did. Then just put the ball back in his court, either he grows up and treats you well or it's his loss and you walk away knowing you tried your best."


Justin smiled at Eric's sincere attempt to help him. While he thought that approaching Brian as Eric suggested would work for most men, he didn't see the Brian Justin saw this afternoon. He turned so quickly from one version of Brian; the one that Justin thought he could easily fall in love with, into a heartless son of a bitch. No matter how much he liked him, he couldn't deal with that level of unpredictability with anyone. He would always feel like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. His head was pretty well over Mr. Kinney but it would take some time to let his heart and body catch up.


It was only five after three when Brian arrived at his appointment. The look the receptionist gave him for his tardiness was priceless considering it was the same lady who let him sit for close to an hour before letting him know he was rescheduled. He took a seat and pulled his tablet from his bag. He barely had enough time to connect to the public wifi before his name was called. The entire procedure took less than ten minutes. Brian was relieved it was uncomfortable but not painful, nothing like having his testicle removed had been. He watched curiously as the doctor handed a syringe of fluid to the nurse who placed it in a biohazard bag and labeled it to be sent to pathology. A small vial of fluid and some cells under a microscope to a trained eye would reveal Brian's future. It was far more scientific than Mysterious Marilyn's predictions but at least with her you got the answer right away, instead of the agonizing wait he was in store for. A small piece of adhesive tape over a piece of gauze was the only evidence of Brian's procedure. Evidence he removed as soon as he pulled into his garage in case he ran into Justin. He examined the small puncture from the needle and the slight bruising around it, nothing a collared shirt and tie wouldn't cover, shouldn't be a problem at work.


Brian took the elevator to his floor, too drained to walk the stairs and too scared to risk running into Justin. Why had he ever thought he could have something with Justin? He considered that the cancer must be in his brain the way his personality had changed so suddenly. He was Brian fucking Kinney, emphasis on the fucking part. There was no room for domesticity or happily-ever-after in his life. He was destined to die alone but hopefully still beautiful like James Dean. This was his fate.


Brian spent the next forty-eight hours in a live-like-you-were-dying frenzy. He ate what he wanted, fucked who he wanted, and indulged on all his favorite liquors and recreational drugs. He even considered selling his businesses, taking the money and traveling the world without ever hearing the results of his biopsy. Just let himself do and see as much as he wanted until he couldn't go anymore or he dropped dead. In the end, practicality ran out, and he scheduled a last minute trip to Toronto to see Gus using the flimsy excuse of having business in the area.


He arrived at Lindsay's house to see his son waiting for him on the front porch. He was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a Steelers jersey and holding a football. Brian frowned mostly because he thought that Gus was a soccer fan so had brought him a US World Cup shirt. It bothered him that he didn't know that Gus was apparently into football more than soccer these days. He said a cursory hello to Melanie and ushered Gus to his rental car. He just planned to take him out for the day, to the park to play, but Lindsay had said she wanted to talk to him, so they were headed to the museum where she worked for lunch first.


Once they settled into a booth at a nearby pizza place and Gus was occupied on a token operated video game, Lindsay dropped the bomb on him. She laid into how miserable Gus had been lately, how much he missed him. She thought since he was out for summer break that maybe Brian could take him for a few weeks, something he had done last summer. Brian would love to do nothing more but it would have been impossible to take care of Gus, he wasn't even sure he would be able to take care of himself in a few weeks. He made up a vague excuse about being too busy with work but Lindsay had anticipated his excuse. She had already talked to Ted and Cynthia and they both agreed that they could handle Kinnetik for a week so Brian could spend more time with Gus. Brian agreed to think about it mostly so he could create a convincing reason as to why it wouldn't work.


Brian left his lunch with Lindsay determined to devote his time to Gus selflessly. They did whatever he wanted which for Gus was a trip to the Children's Museum. They had fun looking at all the interactive exhibits geared perfectly to Gus's age and Brian started to notice the subtleties of his son's personality. For example, he noticed Gus wasn't so much a rule follower as a rule enforcer making it a point to note when other kids cut in line or said a bad word like stupid or shut up. He also noticed how Gus would study things while biting his lower lip, trying to figure out what to do without having to read the directions. Brian laughed at these quirks and enjoyed seeing his son become a full-fledged person. By the time he got back to the munchers house, it was Gus's bedtime. He helped him with his shower and supervised teeth brushing before putting him in his bed and reading him a Magic Time Machine book, another new interest of Gus's. When it was time to say good-night, Gus burst into tears and begged Brian not to leave him. The desperation in his voice was almost enough to bring Brian to his knees. He soothed him and rubbed his back until he fell asleep, never promising him anything he wasn't sure he could deliver.


As he returned downstairs, he told the girls he had to leave tomorrow but would take Gus with him for a few days and see how it went. He figured he could delay whatever toxic treatment they put him on to spend a few extra days with Gus.


Justin returned home from Beth's funeral emotionally drained. He was impossibly behind on work and hadn't painted all week. He also hadn't heard or seen from Brian, something that didn't really surprise him since he had gone out of his way to avoid running into him. Despite his absence, Brian had been on his mind almost constantly and made regular appearances in his dreams. He couldn't seem to shut off the part of him that wanted to confront him again and find out just what the hell had happened. It was the not understanding part that Justin struggled with, he wanted to know why.


He opened the door to his apartment to see Marcus sitting on his couch drinking a beer, watching the Pirates game. "Hey Justin" Marcus greeted him happily, "Glad you're home. How's Eric doing?"


Justin smiled at the friendly face, "Better, he seems to be holding up okay now. Where's Daph? Is she home yet?"


"She and Fi went out for drinks; I think the funeral was a bit hard on her. She's never been to one before."


Justin nodded, he was grateful that Daphne attended Beth's service for moral support but he knew she was uncomfortable. "Not that I mind but what are you doing here?" Justin asked grabbing a beer from the fridge.


"Daph didn't tell you? I'm crashing here for a few days, my roommate's girlfriend is in town and I told him I would make myself scarce."


Justin nodded and sipped his beer. He knew that Marcus still shared a house with another doctor friend of his, a way for them both to save some money to pay back the considerable student loan debt they both amassed. His roommate's girlfriend was also a doctor but was living somewhere else, maybe Toledo or somewhere in Ohio, doing some additional residency program. Justin was sparse on the details and didn't really care. He liked hanging out with Marcus.


He sat down and played candy crush on his phone while Marcus watched the baseball game. He hadn't really felt like talking but Marcus was feeling chatty and the subject inevitably came around to Justin's relationship with Eric considering how much time they had been spending together.


Marcus was actually really insightful about the grief process since he specialized in oncology; he was certainly comfortable with death and dying. He helped Justin understand Eric's depression and offered some ways to support him through it. Justin told Marcus about both his situation with Eric and with Brian and Marcus listened supportively until Justin got to the complete 180 Brian pulled when he went to pick up his paintings.


"Fuck man, I thought gay guys had it made not having to deal with all that drama bullshit women create. Brian sounds worse than this bipolar chick I dated in undergrad. Run man! Run away! No one has time for that craziness." Marcus laughed and in turn Justin laughed and felt a little better. Marcus was right; Brian was clearly too messed up to be wasting his time on.


Justin stayed up late talking to Marcus and when Fi and Daphne made it home they joined the party. Then Daphne brought out Cards against Humanity and they stayed up late playing and drinking. By the time Justin crawled into bed around three in the morning, he was just drunk enough to sleep without dreaming of Brian or worrying about Eric.


Brian landed back in Pittsburgh on the early flight with Gus by his side. He made arrangements to take some time off but had a nanny service on standby in case he needed them. They made their way to the diner for pancakes and then back home. Brian found his fatigue was still very problematic and his day with Gus at the museum and the travel had left him pretty drained. Gus was hounding him about playing basketball but he put him off for a bit. It was almost eleven but he convinced Gus to watch a movie while he took a little nap. Brian had just dozed off when he heard the phone ring. He reached for his cell phone and saw it was Dr. Agrawal's office calling. He opened the phone and took a deep full breath bracing for the dreaded "we need you to come in right away" speech. Only when Brian answered the phone he was greeted not by a receptionist but by the doctor himself.


Brian, I have the results of your biopsy and I wanted to call personally to apologize. In all my years of practice I have never been guilty of jumping to a diagnosis as I was with you. It's just with your symptoms and prior radiation, well, I never would have thought it…Brian, you don't have lymphoma.


I don't? What is it then.


Well, I was so sure we were dealing with another cancer and your CT scan shows a lot of enlarged lymph nodes but after consulting with a colleague of mine, it looks like we are dealing with an auto-immune disorder called Sarcoidosis. It's nothing too serious but you may need some steroids or medications to help control the symptoms but most people don't require any treatment. I would like you to see her and since it's definitely not a cancer I'm going to pass your care along to her for follow-up. I couldn't be happier I was wrong on this one. The office staff will call you with your follow-up information once it's set up.


Brian hung up the phone and started crying from relief. He was fine, well not fine, but not dying either. He swept Gus into his arms and swung him around in a victory dance. Gus giggled at Brian's playfulness and dropped the basketball he was clutching. Brian set Gus on the ground and picked up his basketball and decided to play a little one on one right there in his loft just laughing with his son and feeling the overwhelming rush that came from being alive. They bounced the ball and jumped and tackled each other and tickled and rolled around on the floor and Brian had never had a high from any drug like the one he was experiencing at that very minute.


Justin woke with a vicious hang-over and what sounded like a marching band practicing above his head. He crawled into the fetal position and tried to block out the ruckus that was causing his light to shake on his ceiling. He grew angrier thinking of the source of the noise and what nerve Brian had to add this insult to injury. Justin threw back his covers, slipped on a pair of pajama bottoms and flip-flops, not caring that he looked like hell and was still shirtless. He marched right up to Brian's place and knocked on the door prepared to give him a firm piece of his mind and gain some much-needed closure.

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