Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Hi everyone! I finally am finishing this story. There will be one more chapter and an epilogue after this one. I'm confident I can post regularly these three last parts, so here is chapter 39.

Of course, I want to thank all of you who are still reading. Some of you might hate me by the end of the story (I hope not!) but the end had been in my head for such a long time now, that I wanted to respect it.

I want to express my eternal gratitude to my dear friend Kim. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have gone so far without her, and of course, the story wouldn't be so well-written!

So, now, you can follow Brian and Justin as they prepare to visit Aidan...

 

 

 

Chapter 39

 

 

 

 

 

The next day

 

 

 

 

 

Justin’s POV

 

 

 

 

 

The silence is often more revealing than words.

 

 

 

As Brian steers the car toward the outskirts of New York City, there are no words filling the air, no questionable jokes or soft teasing between the two partners; just two men sitting in a car, focused on the event to come.

 

 

 

It’s not even clear if his partner is allowing himself a single thought at the moment. Honestly, Justin is pretty sure that he is just going through the motions, not letting his mind wander around at all. How could he? He is going to see the only man he’d loved besides him, a man that had sacrificed their love to ensure Brian’s happiness; a man that is now just a shadow of his former self.

 

 

 

Justin feels for Brian. His partner isn’t allowing any outer signs of fear or anguish to appear on his face, but Justin knows him better than anyone. The man beside him is struggling to keep his true emotions from emerging. He wants to make him stop the car, to take him in his arms and never let him go. Yet, he knows that Brian doesn’t need for him to cuddle him right now; far from it. The distance is so much easier at the moment.

 

 

 

Peering out the side window, Justin watches the scenery change with each passing moment. The day is grey, dark clouds hovering over them, and Justin can’t help but muse about the irony of it all. If he didn’t believe in the depth of his and Brian’s love for each other, he would take that as a sign that they were indeed facing a crisis in their relationship. In fact, if he were a character in a movie right now, the general message to the viewer would be clear. But he isn’t a fictional character, and Aidan isn’t dealing with a fake disease. This is far too real to be a fantasy.

 

 

 

Justin is nervous. Everybody in his situation would be, wouldn’t he? However, he can’t let his inner anxiety cloud his mind.

 

 

 

Cloud. There is that word again. Well, it doesn’t mean it will necessarily rain. Every cloud has a silver lining.

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

Forty minutes later, Brian and Justin finally arrive at their destination.

 

 

 

After four miles of driving on a narrow road in the country, the iron gate that arises in front of them is magnificent. Justin recognizes immediately a fineness and a brilliance in the work made by the iron forger and creator of such a beauty. The gate is surrounded by a high, impressive wall composed of various types of rock. Justin had googled the place earlier, so he knows for a fact that the wall extends around several acres and surrounds the Institute, including a peaceful-looking lake.

 

 

 

A small intercom and video camera welcome the visitors who have no other choice but to wait for the gate to open after having made their presence known. Therefore, Brian presses the button after opening the car’s window, clearing his throat as if he already knew his voice would fail him somehow.

 

 

 

A moment later, a male voice announces, “The Sundale Institution, may I help you?”

 

 

 

Brian doesn’t respond immediately. He just stares at the gate in front of him like it was an impassable wall.

 

 

 

“Brian...” Justin calls over to him softly when he realizes Brian isn’t responding.

 

 

 

Brian doesn’t move, nor does he avert his gaze. His right hand is still gripping the steering wheel; the only sound heard is the car’s engine. It’s like he doesn’t even hear Justin calling him, and in fact, Justin isn’t sure he does.

 

 

 

Justin puts his hand on his partner’s thigh and caresses it slightly, causing Brian to finally look at him as if he were noticing his presence next to him for the first time. Then Brian blinks, frowning, and finally he pushes the intercom’s button once more and indicates the reason for their visit. If one would listen to him now, he wouldn’t notice the catch in his voice as he pronounces his former lover’s name. But Justin does.

 

 

 

The gate starts to open a few seconds later, and Justin discovers a long road in front of them, surrounded by beautiful oaks, chestnuts, beech, and some other hardwood trees that Justin doesn’t recognize. The driveway is quite long and winding, leading him to assume that the Institute, which was converted from an old mansion, is still a fair distance away.  

 

 

 

Nevertheless, even with the gate fully open now, Brian doesn’t move at first, nor does he indicate any inclination to do so.  Justin looks at him and waits, intending to let his lover make this decision on his own.

 

 

 

He watches as Brian closes his eyes before opening them again, looking down at his hands joined together in his lap. Brian peers out the windshield up at the sky then, and takes a deep breath as if he is having a silent conversation only he is privileged to hear. At last, his gaze reaches Justin’s face and the younger man smiles, offering in that small gesture all of his support.

 

 

 

Brian reaches for Justin’s hand and squeezes it before he puts the car in drive and moves the vehicle forward, the gate slowly closing behind them as they proceed.

 

 

 

The road to the Institute is a surprisingly steep one, small ruts causing the car to bounce excessively, but after a minute-and-a-half ride, they finally arrive in front of a beautiful mansion. The manor house in and of itself is a beautiful building made of stone; what seems to be the main entrance is comprised of an impressive, beautifully framed door, adorned with a magnificent tin trim. It is the first feature that Justin notices, along with a pathway that provides visitors and patients access to the ancient stables situated several yards away.

 

 

 

During his research earlier today, Justin had discovered that this place is actually the property of a rich contractor, Mr. Sundale, whose wife had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at thirty-seven. Years later after his wife’s death, the man created the Institute with a clear purpose: to help young patients suffering from Alzheimer’s or any other related disorders deal with their everyday life, as well as offer them a place to spend their remaining years with dignity and as peacefully as possible. The Institute had been in operation for eleven years now.

 

 

 

Brian kills the engine as soon as they find a place in the parking lot adjacent to the mansion. Still, they just remain seated, looking at the building and the surrounding area, the trees’ branches moving in response to the soft wind, and a small, plain, wooden sign next to a dirt trail indicating a lake located two tenths of a mile away.

 

 

 

“Let’s do this,” Brian finally announces with a hoarse voice before clearing his throat once more. He opens the door and gets out of the vehicle.

 

 

 

The air surrounding them as they begin the walk separating the parking lot from the main entrance is invigorating and welcome. Still, Justin can sense the tension emanating from Brian’s body, despite the fact they are not touching each other.

 

 

 

They pass a man and a woman seated on a bench, maybe a father and his daughter. The woman is smiling and speaking to the older man softly, the words not loud enough to be heard by passers-by. But Justin sees the way she looks at the man and the look on his face. The man is nodding, but he obviously doesn’t really understand what is going on. At least that’s the impression Justin has as he looks at them.

 

 

 

As if to validate his thoughts, Brian’s step slows down momentarily as they walk past them. Justin has to do the same so he can wait for Brian. Glancing at his lover, he decides to initiate a physical contact and grabs his partner’s hand. Brian is fighting not to turn around and leave, but Justin won’t let him.

 

 

 

As he touches him he feels Brian shiver, his restlessness and apprehension too strong to hide. Brian is looking at him, his eyes reflecting many emotions at once, and Justin feels once again this uncontrollable need to protect him. It’s obvious Brian wants to run away from this awful truth; Justin can’t blame him, and wants nothing more than to let him do just that. But at the same time, he knows he has to be the strong one, the one that won’t let his emotions take control over the situation. Brian needs to do this, and he needs him to lead him on the right path.

 

 

 

So Justin just stares back at Brian, letting his partner see there is no turning back, before he resumes his walk, Brian finally following along behind him.

 

 

 

They finally make it to the entrance and step inside. A man in his fifties is standing in the lobby behind a counter, a glass-framed office with beautiful, tall windows situated in the back.

 

 

 

“May I help you?” The man inquires politely as he peers over at them. A nametag is displayed on his cardigan with a tasteful, brass name badge that reads ‘Louis Marcy – Concierge.’

 

 

 

“We’re here to see a patient, Aidan Cole,” Brian responds quietly, looking anxiously at the wooden door separating them from what must be the main room of the manor house.

 

 

 

“May I have your names, Gentlemen?” The concierge asks, his eyebrows raised as he peers at them through his glasses.

 

 

 

“Brian Kinney. This is my partner, Justin Taylor,” Brian responds. The man nods and looks at his computer.

 

 

 

“Yes. You’re here to see Aidan.” It’s not a question. “You will need to sign the registry.”

 

 

 

“Of course,” Justin agrees, sensing his partner’s anxiety. He takes the pen Louis offers him, signs his name in the book, and gives the pen to Brian.

 

 

 

Brian signs his name, returning the pen to its owner as Louis announces, “I will come with you. This is a big place. If you will please follow me...” he starts to steer them towards the dreaded wooden door that no doubt leads to the patients’ rooms.

 

 

 

“Wait...” Brian mumbles.

 

 

 

Justin gazes at his partner and realizes he is about to panic. “Brian...”

 

 

 

Louis unexpectedly surprises them both by interrupting their exchange before it even begins. “It’s fine. Simon Atkins warned me earlier today that you would probably be coming here to see Aidan, Mr. Kinney...”  He studies Brian before continuing, “…and that you would be ready to bolt out of here the moment you set foot in it. He also told me not to let you, for your own sake. So, if you will please come with me...” He gestures expectantly with his hand towards the door.

 

 

 

That seems to shake Brian out of his trance. He blinks before retorting, “Are you always so blunt with visitors you don’t even know? And what makes you think I’d give a fucking shit about what Simon Atkins might have asked you to do?” Brian’s defense mechanisms are on full alert.

 

 

 

Unfazed, Louis replies, “I apologize if I seem abrupt or presumptuous. I don’t want to make it any harder than it already is for you, I’m sure. But Aidan has been one of our residents for more than two years now, and it’s the first time you’ve come to see him. From my experience, it can only mean one of two things. One, you distanced yourself from him when you learned about his disease – whatever your relationship with him is – because it was too difficult for you to deal with. But now that his health is deteriorating more quickly than expected, you realize you needed to see him while he’s still here. Or two, you didn’t know about his condition until recently...And considering your restlessness right now, and that Mr. Atkins confessed to me that you had a special place in Aidan’s life once, I would say it’s more likely that is what is happening here.”

 

 

 

The man blinks before admitting sheepishly, “Me and my big mouth... believe me, I’m aware that I tend to get way out of line when I care about a patient here, which happens way too often, if I may add. It’s just...If you’re here...” Louis doesn’t finish his sentence, but Justin hears what he is implying nonetheless. The man is convinced that if Brian is here, it’s because he wants to, and therefore he shouldn’t change his mind now.

 

 

 

By now, Justin is asking himself if this man is for real. Despite the man’s statement earlier that he didn’t know what sort of relationship Brian has had with Aidan, it’s obvious to him that Simon has told him that Brian is Aidan’s former lover, and Justin isn’t sure how he feels about that. But at the same time, Louis’s honesty might be just what Brian needs. His partner has always respected a man who stands his ground.

 

 

 

Justin turns to look at his partner. Brian’s gaze is still on Louis’s face, but it’s more a puzzled look than anything else by now.

 

 

 

Louis insists, “Please, Mr. Kinney, come with me...” His posture is neither patronizing nor judgmental. He genuinely wants Brian not to back down.

 

 

 

“Brian...” Justin pushes, “Come on...”

 

 

 

Brian looks back at his partner and Justin sees resignation in his eyes. Truthfully, Justin is pretty sure Louis’s fervent speech hasn’t changed anything, and that Brian wouldn’t have left anyhow; but the concierge’s words might have helped his partner not to freak out here in the middle of the lobby.

 

 

 

They follow Louis to the huge wooden door. As he opens it, sunlight coming from three large windows floods the big room in front of them – the two smaller ones appeared to be about 12 feet tall and at least six feet wide, and they flanked an ever larger window in the center. Long and elegant dark green curtains – drawn back to allow the light to shine through – are restrained by beautiful, golden loops. The room offers a feeling of warmth through its paintings and high ceiling that rises to a height of approximately 20 feet – and the big fireplace in the center of the room is trimmed with fine scrollwork and marble tile. The view through the windows is incredible, the scenery of the lake and trees providing a feeling of peace and serenity within the room. An impressive, wooden staircase is located on the left side of the room, as well as an elevator.

 

 

 

A few people are seated in the comfortable couches and chairs arranged in the room. Two men in wheelchairs are there, too, and Justin sees Brian anxiously gazing at them; but Aidan isn’t there.

 

 

 

“This is the main room of the mansion, where our residents can come to enjoy the scenery outside or just relax in front of the fireplace during long, cold nights. We have a library through there,” Louis informs them, indicating a little door to the right side of the fireplace. “And the dining room is behind the main staircase over there.”

 

 

 

“The rooms are upstairs. This way...” Louis indicates for Brian and Justin to follow him once more as he resumes his walk.

 

 

 

The three men begin to ascend the stairs, and Justin notices how hard Brian grips the banister with each one of his steps. He doesn’t comment.

 

 

 

They finally arrive in an open space overlooking the main room before reaching a long corridor that seems to cover the entire floor. Louis turns to his left, and leads them toward the end of the hall. They encounter three nurses – a nametag is attached to their shirts, indicating their positions - before finally stopping in front of another wooden door with an inscription that reads: ‘Room No. 18: Mr. Aidan Cole.’

 

 

 

Louis pauses, peering over with concern at Brian, who is becoming way too still. Justin grabs his arm, forcing Brian to look at him; his chest tightens as he looks into his partner’s beautiful, hazel eyes.

 

 

 

Brian gazes back at Louis who is patiently waiting for a sign that he is indeed ready. After a long moment, Brian averts his eyes and nods.

 

 

 

This is it. This moment when Justin has to fade away into the background and let his lover do what he needs to do.

 

 

 

Justin’s heart is beating. Fast.

 

 

 

 

 

*****************************************************************************

 

 

 

Brian’s POV

 

 

 

 

 

During the entire trip earlier, Brian had the impression that he was travelling into a thick fog that permeated his brain like an unwanted but inevitable ally. His mind had been blank, but if he’d scratched it just a little bit, a myriad of emotions would have taken over.

 

 

 

Since Simon’s visit and his revelations about Aidan, Brian had been feeling almost numb. The past forty-eight hours had been hell, and the only way he could maintain any sense of sanity was to try and shut his thoughts down altogether, at least partially.

 

 

 

Indeed, for some people, when a piece of news is too disturbing, their mind offers a sort of protection by creating a wall. It doesn’t make it necessarily easier, but it helps to keep your defenses up, because losing control wouldn’t change anything.

 

 

 

That’s exactly how Brian is feeling right now. It’s like his mind is trapped behind a wall, knowing it needs to stay there for as long as it can; even if at some point he anticipates that the emotions will become too hard to be kept locked up inside of him. They will inevitably escape and perhaps overwhelm him.

 

 

 

And yet, this way of coping has always helped Brian deal with his true emotions.

 

 

 

When he was a child, he wanted to be loved and to feel cherished, like any other kid. Seeking the approval of your mom and dad is human nature. Your parents give you life, and their education shapes you, gives you some values you’re supposed to follow. They are meant to protect you, to help you grow up and become a man. Their love is supposed to be the foundation of your existence, a treasure they give you to make you stronger, better; to feel safe.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn’t work that way. Brian isn’t the first child, nor the last, who didn’t have that kind of home.

 

 

 

Still, his parents’ rejection had hit him hard. As he grew up and became a teenager, he had understood that he couldn’t show his feelings and he had to protect himself. The truth is, being rejected because the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally think that you’re an ungrateful little shit is easier than being rejected when you show them how much you need their love and approval; in the latter case, the rejection hurts so much more, because you understand that they will never be able to love you like you need them to, like every parent should love their child. Moreover, you can’t stop the questions from invading your mind: Does it mean you’re unlovable? Unworthy? That something is wrong with you?

 

 

 

Whatever the answer, it’s much easier to inflict pain before getting hurt; that’s a lesson Brian had learned at a very young age, making it almost impossible to deny later.

 

 

 

This philosophy had worked for a long time for him. Consequently, he had gone too far many times; with Michael, Lindsay, and Debbie; even with his own mother. Being uncontrollable, praising himself for being a free man who didn’t have to account for his actions to anyone, and most certainly not feeling anything for another human being – especially remotely romantic or real - had been liberating. Still, he knew if he had been rejected then, it would have been only fair. Truthfully, if not for his honesty, Brian knows he would have certainly wound up alone in the end.

 

 

 

However, it all had begun to change when he had met the two most important people in his life on the same night, and now that Brian is older and wiser he is grateful for it. Living locked up in his own golden prison had not been living. It had been just a way of protecting himself. Therefore, contrary to what he did believe once, he wasn’t brave. He merely had been hiding behind his asshole persona, because it was easier. That way, he’d have no fear of not being enough, because people never expected anything from him in the first place. But it all changed when he met his son and Justin.

 

 

 

Of course, exposing his true self hadn’t been simple; at first, it had happened against his will, and truthfully it also had been hell at times. Opening his heart and letting someone see who he really was had scared him so much that he had nearly lost everything numerous times. And yet, Brian doesn’t regret anything.

 

 

 

Love, if sincere and true, is so fucking worth it, even with all the pain. That’s the lesson Justin and Aidan have taught him. He wouldn’t be here today, about to see Aidan - when he knows without a doubt that it will break his heart - if not for his faith in love.

 

 

 

Every time Brian thinks of Aidan, it hurts. He’s still fighting to accept the truth, and he doesn’t know how he will react when he sees him. Moreover, he refuses to think about it, or he fears he will not be strong enough.

 

 

 

Brian has never believed in happily ever after. He has secretly hoped for it, first with Justin, then with Aidan, and finally with Justin again, but he isn’t an optimistic man. He isn’t necessarily a pessimistic one, either – even if he was known to be pessimistic about human nature; it’s just that he usually prefers not to think about it. He lives every day as they come, one at a time.

 

 

 

Still, he doesn’t understand. Why does Aidan’s destiny have to be so painful? It’s not fair. Aidan is one of the most beautiful persons Brian has ever met. He still loves him so much. What is he supposed to do, knowing Aidan is gone? Maybe his body is still here, but if his mind has vanished, does it mean it’s over? Just thinking about it makes Brian feel so cold inside.

 

 

 

Objectively, he can’t let his thoughts take the upper hand. He needs to keep his emotions under control and shut his mind off if he wants to succeed in facing Aidan.

 

 

 

So he does. Of course, he is doing a poor job of pretending it’s working.

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

The whole thing is unreal. The drive, the walk, the exchange with Louis, everything seems like an illusion, and Brian has the impression that he is just an observer. His body is here, his feet are walking, he can hear his voice speaking; he can even feel his heart beating. But he feels like he isn’t here at all, because if he is, he would be running away as fast as possible, right?

 

 

 

Or maybe not. Justin won’t let him. And deep down, Brian knows he can’t. He won’t. He doesn’t want to.

 

 

 

He almost freaks out when they arrive, so he must be more aware of what is happening than he likes to think. Suddenly, he realizes that this is it, his last chance to turn around and leave. He almost believes for a minute that he actually has that choice.

 

 

 

He likes the concierge. The little speech the man made about the residents showed Brian that he is genuine and ready to defend his convictions. Brian has always respected that quality. Also, it makes him briefly forget about the reason why he is here.

 

 

 

Brian can feel Justin’s eyes on him. He knows his partner is worried, ready to do anything to help him. If Brian asked him to fight against a dragon, or to steal a bank, or even build a shrine in his honor, Brian is pretty sure he would. Yet, the most beautiful thing his partner can do for him right now is to stay by his side and support him as he comes to terms with what is happening to Aidan. There is no bigger proof of love for Brian, and he can’t even begin to put into words how it makes him feel. He is so grateful for Justin’s presence in his life.

 

 

 

Thanks to Justin, he feels strong enough to face this. So, when Louis looks at him with a silent question reflecting in his eyes as they stand in front of the door to Aidan’s room, Brian doesn’t let the fear and pain that are desperately trying to suffocate him win. He owes it to his partner and his former lover.

 

 

 

He still isn’t prepared for what he is going to face, though.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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