July 2007 - Pittsburgh

Michael's POV

Ten stairs left.

Nine.

Seven.

Five.

Four.

Two.

One.

Michael is finally standing in front of his best friend’s door. He pauses for a moment, like paralyzed, and takes a deep breath. His right fingers grab the key in his pocket and he enters it in the lock of the loft.

At first, he doesn’t see anything. Not the shadow of a movement or the echo of a discrete noise. But as his eyes become more accustomed with the darkness, he sees a shape near a distant window and soon, his nostrils smell the smoke of a cigarette.

“Brian…”

The other man doesn’t move, doesn’t acknowledge the presence of his friend. He keeps smoking and staring through the darkness of the night.

Michael comes closer of his back’s friend and tries again to capture his attention.

“Brian…”

At last, his friend turns around to look at him. However, Michael wishes for a second that he didn’t disrupt him. The pain in his eyes is all Michael needs to see. It is soon replaced by a mask, but even then, the mask seems pierced with emotions.

Heartbreak, that’s what its look like, Michael can’t help but think.

“Michael…” A silence conversation seems to pass between the two men, until Brian understands. “He called you.”

“Yeah, he did. He was worried.” Michael confirms. He has received a call from Justin a few hours ago, to warn him that Brian would be back in the evening after their last goodbye in New York, and to ask him to be there for him.

“Well, I’m here, back in the Pitt’s, in one piece, so…” Brian shrugs his shoulders.

They stare at each other, both understanding that no words could really do justice to the situation. How do you put in words the feeling of having your heart stolen forever, but knowing that you have to stay alive anyway? And move on?

So Michael does what a best friend would do. He tries to lighten the mood.

“I bought food.” He shakes the bag in his left hand. “Chinese… and you provide the pot.”

“I do?” Brian says while crushing his cigarette in a near ashtray.

“Uh, huh…” Michael heads towards the kitchen counter, so as to put the bag on it.

“Christ Mikey! You look like your mother more and more every day,” Brian says with a funny look to his friend.

“Fuck you!” Michael smiles.

“You wish…” Brian teases.

Thirty minutes later, they are both spread on the floor near the couch, paper bags everywhere, Brian’s heavy head on Michael’s stomach; they are sharing very good pot.

“Fuck, I can’t believe you made me eat that shit, I must stink from my mouth.” Brian proceeds to blow in direction of Michael’s nose.

“Briiian!” Michael makes a disgusted face. “I corroborate, you stink!” They both laugh at the stupid joke.

“So,” Brian starts, “It’s just like old times, you and me, the Brian and Mikey show.” Brian states, blowing the smoke from the joint and doing rounds.

“Hey! Don’t forget Ben!” Michael exclaims, already a little dizzy.

“Okay; the Brian and Mikey show, with Ben on the side… Ouch!” Michael has just punched him in the shoulder.

“You deserve it.” Michael retorts with a smile.

“I thought I was the wounded man here and that you were here to take care of me…”

Michael stays silent for a few seconds and says, caressing Brian’s hair:

“I am,”

A minute passes, and Michael, maybe because of the pot - or maybe because he has no sense of self-preservation at all - ventures to talk about the reason of his visit.

“He wants you to be happy,”

“I know.”

“He loves you,” Michael insists.

“Michael…” Brian warns him. He is in no mood to talk about his feelings or Justin’s feelings right now.

“Sorry…”

They stay silent, both lost in thoughts, and Brian surprises Michael, but most of all himself, when he hears his own voice. Fucking pot.

“I couldn’t hold him back. He would have hated me in the end.”

“You don’t know that. But you’re both right, he couldn’t turned it down,” Michael’s heart goes out to his friend. “He loves you…but he doesn’t want to hold you back either, he doesn’t want for you to put your life on holds and to wait for him.”

“Yeah, pretty ironic when you think of it.” Brian says.

And he can’t help thinking , because if he’d ask me, I would have.

Brian’s POV

The flight back to Pittsburgh seems unreal.

In fact, the entire trip has seemed like it was just a dream, and not what it really was.

A fucking nightmare.

Brian had seen Justin one last time, one last night, and the memory of every moment is playing over and over in his head, like a broken record. Every touch, every silence, every kiss, heaven and hell at the same time.

Heaven because of the feelings they share for each other.

And hell because of that feeling.

Finality.

When Justin had first called him two weeks before, to tell him about the offer to spend five years in Europe, Brian stayed with the phone in his hands during a long time after hearing the news. Until that moment, he didn’t know that his life would be altered seemingly forever and when it finally downed on him, he fucking freaked out.

He called Michael, who found him in his office in Kinnetik, with a lost look in his eyes, and silent tears running on his cheeks. He was sure that his friend would freak out too, he was Brian Kinney after all, and except after some past encounters with his old man, he never cried. And Michael, even if he was the only witness of his last weak moments, wasn’t his mother’s son for nothing. But, instead of the drama queen he was unconsciously expecting, Michael had just held him and never said a word, like he already knew.

Later, he learned that Justin had called Michael even before him, anticipating Brian’s reaction.

Fucking twat.

After his meltdown, he debated during twelve days about going to say good-bye to his lover. He wasn’t sure he would have gone, if not for Michael and Debbie pushing him and ordering Ted to pressure Cynthia to buy him a one way ticket to New-York.

So, when he sees him, alone in the gallery, he knows that this is it.

And when their eyes lock, he can see his own pain reflected in his lover’s eyes. And that feeling again. Finality.

He is proud of Justin. The boy became a man, going after what he wanted and fighting every ordeal he’s been through. He is a survivor.

Brian knows that he would have done everything in his power to change Justin’s mind if the blond had considered turning down the offer of spending five years in Europe. It is his achievement, and if one deserves it more than any other, it is Justin.

But it is so fucking hard to say good-bye.

They don’t talked much, preferring to hold, to feel, to touch, to express their love in every gesture they made. Their lovemaking is slow, precious and when Brian finally pushes into Justin, he knows that this feeling of being home will never compare to anything else.

And then, when he wakes up in the morning, Justin is gone.

Gone from his bed.

And gone from his life.

And Brian can’t help but hope for a happy ending, even if he knows he has to try and move on.

But moving on can wait until tomorrow.

He doesn’t hear him at first, lost in all the feelings that are consuming him since he’s back a few hours ago.

He just came back from his trip to New York, and no one knows he is here. If not for Justin, Michael wouldn’t have made it to the loft so fast and he could have brooded in peace.

But luck is definitively not on his side.

He could tell his best friend to fuck off, but he isn’t sure Mikey wouldn’t refer to his mother, and Debbie on a mission isn’t exactly his idea of being in peace.

So, he sits down on the floor, eats the dreadful food he secretly enjoys, and let his best friend do his job. And after a while, it isn’t so bad.

Until Michael has the great idea to mention Justin.

Brian can’t help but ask himself if he is wrong and if he should have fight for Justin to stay with him in any way. Isn’t love supposed to be stronger than everything else? Shouldn’t being together is what truly matter, even if it makes you do bad choices about your professional life? And couldn’t they find another way of being together?

He knows that this reasoning is going nowhere, and that they had made the right decision, for both of them.

Justin had to go, there was no other way, and staying in a relationship would have tainted his trip with guilt and eventually, he would have come back sooner than expected, screaming under his breath that it was the right thing to do, and truly thinking it at the moment. But who could really say that in 5 years, ten years, or twenty years from then, it wouldn’t have come back in his face in a bang, haunting him and therefore, haunting his relationship too?

As for Brian, he would have done anything in his power to make Justin go, even unconsciously, because that is marked in his DNA. He couldn’t have stayed here, watching Justin fighting to make it, when he had given up the best opportunity of his life. And in the end, it would have altered their relationship, because Justin was in love, but not a fool. He wouldn’t have taken the pushing of the cliff with philosophy, when he would have been haunted by what he gave up in the first place.

And Brian can’t go with him. He has a son, friends, family and a company he can’t quit. Too many people depend on him.

But while his head is telling him that he made the right decision in letting his lover go, Brian’s heart isn’t so sure.

“What if I just made the biggest mistake of my fucking life?” Brian can’t help but ask his best friend, putting into words where his musings have been taking him.

“You didn’t.” Michael answers immediately, seemingly prepared for that kind of question. “First, you love him and you did what you thought was best for him, and believe me, it can’t be a mistake.” Michael pauses, letting the words sink in Brian’s brain “Second, you don’t know what the future hold for you or for him.” Michael looks at his best friend and adds “And third, I’m pretty sure you two will find your way back to each other if you really want to, at the right time for both of you.”

“Don’t!” Brian snaps and raises himself in a sitting position, his back to him.

Michael looks at his friend from behind, sensing the tightness in his broad shoulders. Eventually, Brian whispers, “Hope is the worst, I can’t allow it.”

Finally, he says aloud what he is supposed to do.

“I have to move on.”

Brian repeats the mantra in his head over and over, hoping that one day, he will really believe it.   

Three months later, October 2007-Pittsburg

Debbie’s POV

Debbie Novotny isn’t what you can call a discreet woman.

In fact, she is just the opposite. Loud, colorful, imposing, with a big mouth, a red wig and sporting proudly improbable shirts that only she could assume.

She is also the mother of all gay men, lesbians, transsexual, or undecided, and is often prying herself for being a good judge of character. She is the heart of the Liberty Diner, even if she has to cut her hours down because she isn’t the young lady she once was anymore.

Two of her favorite boys are here today, regaling each other with the latest gossip.

“You wouldn’t believe what I did yesterday night…”Emmett Honeycutt is in a great mood.

“Hum, let’s see, you had a divine conversation with Cher about her latest Chanel dress while being fucked by a nine inch cock?”

“Better than that,”

“What can be better than that for a Nelly bottom like you?”

“Teddy, you know me, I’m a queen and I like a little diversity in my sex life.”

“You were fucked by two nine each cocks?”

“Teddy!” Emmett pretends to be outraged.

“What, you just said that you like diversity!”

“That’s not what I meant!” Emmett comes closer across the table, like he is going to share a big secret with his friend, “I met a beautiful stranger and he fucked me without saying a word, nada, not a sound.”

“And that’s you big secret? You do it every day since you are sixteen!”

“Not like this!” Emmett explains, “I was at Woody’s last night, and this God alike guy came in and we accidently collide,”

“Accidently my ass…” Ted mutters.

“Teddy! Don’t be rude!” Emmett seems to think for a second, “Hum, where was I? Oh yeah, we collide and he looks at me; he doesn’t say a word, just takes my forearm and drags me to the restroom and God, it was so good! I haven’t been fucked like that in years!”

“Ah… I see; multiple orgasms! you should have started by telling me this, it would have explain your great mood a lot quicker.”

“What explains you great mood, Emmett honey?” Debbie joins the conversation, pretending to be here in order to take their orders, whereas she is listening to their conversation for a few moments now.

“Emmett had been fucked,” Ted explains.

“Teddy!” Emmett exclaims.

Debbie touches Emmett’s face with her finger. “No offense, honey, but you’re not exactly a nun.”

Ted adds, “and he was fucked by a really good stud,”

“The best!” Emmett can’t help but specify, clapping his hands.

“And he had multiple orgasms.” Ted concludes.

“Sweetie, that’s great. Always be good fucked and your life will rise up!” Debbie is proud of her gay boys.

“Debbie, how the world could survive without yours enlightenments, I really don’t know!” Ted laughs.

“It couldn’t sweetie. Or you’d be in deep shit!” Debbie agrees.

“Aren’t we always?” Ted can’t help but joke.

“Teddy, no offense, but sometimes, you have to turn your tongue seven times in your mouth to stop the words from spilling from it.” Emmett reprehends him and makes a face, “Eww…”

Debbie takes their order then and makes her way back to the kitchen. She is grateful to see that these two boys are happy and in a good mood, Ted having reunited with Blake some times before and Emmett… well…being Emmett.

But she can’t help but worry about one of her boy, and she wishes that life can help him going through the difficult time he is facing. To anyone who doesn’t know him, Brian Kinney still appears to be the sophisticated business man he is at day, and the narcissism and confident man he is at night, when he is leaving the sanctuary of his office that is, which seems to be less and less.

However, Debbie knows that this is just a façade. Justin’s departure has shaken him big times, and Brian’s walls are slowly but surely building up again. And that makes her sad, because to her, he is still the fourteen years old boy who was sliding into her house at night in search of tenderness and love, even if he will never admit it. It’s so unfair that he has to go through all this pain, after having accepted that he was human after all, and able to love, and more importantly to be loved.

Her heart goes to Justin as well; because even if he is the one who left, she knows he suffers as much as Brian over their break up.

Fuck, she can’t believe it’s even real.

And she can’t help thinking: It’s not fair.

Just as she is coming from the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, a beautiful stranger sits on a bar stool, right in front of her. From what she can see he is wearing a leather jacket and a white shirt, and a cap over his head.

“Hey, beautiful stranger; what can I get you?”

“Coffee, black, no milk,” In front of the pointing stare he is receiving, he adds, “Please, Mrs.…?”

“Novotny. But everybody call me Debbie, Honey.”

The man nods, and Debbie can’t help but notice that Emmett is pointing at him with his forefinger, and mouthing without saying a word, “Stud from last night!”

Debbie grins inwardly; she serves a black coffee to the man, while being the witness of the enthusiasm in Emmett’s gestures.

“I haven’t seen you before,” The stranger raises his eyebrows at her. “I would have remember you, with a face like yours, sure to be matched by your butt if I may had…”

The man chuckles. “Are you always so straight?”

“Well, yeah; and I’m fucking proud of my big mouth. So, if you have a problem with that, that’s your problem to deal with, but certainly not mine.”

“Ok; duly noted.” The man seems amused.

“And between you and me, I think that you already turn heads over here.”

“Well; that’s my curse.” The man jokes.

“Oh, come on! since when a gay man doesn’t enjoy admiration from other men?”

“Why do you think I’m even gay?” The man inquires.

“Are you kidding?”

“Is that so obvious?”

“Well, yeah; considering that you’re in a gay diner, and that your fuck from last night is sitting right behind you, ready to faint just from being so close to you again,” Then, she adds, for the two friends who are pretending to be busy talking, while they are really listening to every word she says since she started speaking with the man, “and Emmett, stop listening to every word I say!”

“Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Emmett says, rising up from his place and coming closer to the bar, right next to the stranger.

“Oh my God! What a beautiful surprise! You again! We didn’t have time to be properly introduced last night, if I can say that, considering…” Emmett says with a smile and mischief in his eyes. “I’m Emmett, Emmett Honeycutt,” He extends his hand in direction of the other man.

While he could be annoyed by the plot he is subjected to, the man seems more amused than anything else; he shakes Emmett’s hand.

“Aidan Cole.”

“And this is my friend, Ted Schmidt.” Emmett gestures to his friend to come closer.

“Hi; nice to meet you.” Ted says, shaking the other man’s hand.

Aidan answers with a sigh of his head.

Debbie intervenes, “Boys; you know I love you to death, but couldn’t you leave the man in peace, and stop turning around him like vultures?”

The man grins. He likes this woman a lot.

“How can you say that Debbie? We’re just welcoming him like the good citizens we are. Hospitality is so important and often forgotten, right Teddy?”

“Yeah, sure.” Teddy supports his friend.

“So, if you need anything, and I mean anything , you come and see me and I will do all I can to help you, it’s the least I can do.” Emmett adds with a smile to Aidan.

“Okay. I’m sure he gets it boys; now, go back to your booth, or your food is going to get cold.”

“Okay Debbie, we’re on our way,” Emmett addresses one last look at Aidan “Remember? Anything.” And with a wink, he follows his friend back to their booth.

As the two boys make their way back, Aidan can’t help but laugh.

“Is he always like that?” Aidan asks Debbie.

“Emmett? Yeah, but he was kind of subtle for once.” Debbie laughs, then looks at the man “You’re like honey in a hive Honey, or fresh meet if you prefer. All the bees and vultures from this burg will want a piece of you,” Debbie says with a pointing look. “So if you need help to keep them all at a distance, all you have to do is ask.”

“Thanks; but I think I will be fine.”

“You’re here to stay?" Debbie can’t help but ask.

“Actually, no. I’m visiting my sister. She moved in Pittsburg last year.” Aidan explains, and Debbie notices a sober, or maybe worried look on his face.

“Family; that’s the most important thing in the fucking world Honey. Good for you.”

Just as she is finishing her sentence, a voice from the kitchen can be heard, screaming “Debbie, orders are not going to be served on their own.”

And Debbie answers, with her big and loud mouth “Don’t be rude, or I will stick my pen up your fucking ass and you won’t be able to sit and to be fucked until next Christmas.” making her host laugh once more.

Debbie is serving her last plate to a couple of gays kids when the belt from the door of the diner sounds. Her beloved son and his husband come in. A few seconds later, Brian Kinney follows them. Debbie greets them all, before engulfing Brian into a tight hold.

“It’s good to see that you’re still alive; where the fuck have you been?" Debbie inquires with a slap on his head.

“Ouch, Debbie! you really know how to make someone feel welcomed…” Brian scowls, rubbing his head.

“Sorry Honey; but you can’t exactly say that you’ve been around lately. I’ve been worried about you.” Debbie confides, an aggravated look on her face.

“Thank you, Ma…” Brian whispers, for only her to hear. “But, I’m a big boy you know; I can take care of myself.”

“Sometimes, I doubt it.” Debbie insists. “Have you eaten today? I’m not sure you’re taking good care of yourself, you seemed to have lost weight.” She palpates him and orders, leading him to the booth where all his friends are sitting, “Here, come and sit down. I will make sure you have at least one real meal today.”

Still, as she is making her way to their destination, Brian pauses.

“Holly shit.” Brian says to himself.

When she turns to look at him, his gaze is on the beautiful stranger, still sitting at the counter. And the other man is watching at Brian with the same look of disbelief on his face.