Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Thank you Kim, you're the best... :)

As promised, here is Justin's POV... five years later.

 

Five years later – April 2014, Paris

Justin’s POV

Justin Taylor is late.

At thirty-one, his life is a blur made of work, work and more work. That is the reason why he is rushing to catch the subway at Saint Sulpice Station at the moment, because he has a meeting with a client; a meeting for which he’s already late.

Finally getting onto the train for a twenty-minute ride, he can’t help his mind from wandering, just like every other person around him who is lost in their own thoughts.


Justin Taylor has been a renowned artist for nearly five years now.

European’s cities have been his playground during all this time: Milan, Barcelona, Vienna, Berlin, London, Rome, Dublin and many more. In that time, he has experienced many things, met a lot of different people; people who are interested in what HE has to show.

Even after all this time, though, and after all his success, he still can’t believe it, not really. It has been a dream come true, something he never would have hoped for, something even in his wildest dreams he couldn’t have imagined for a second.

He knew he has his mentor to thank for that, the man with whom nothing would have happened otherwise.  Mr. Dale (everybody called him like that – it was as if the man didn’t even have a first name) had become fascinated with Justin’s works in New York seven years ago, and had been the one to offer him the world, literally. Mr. Dale was a renowned artist who, at the age of fifty-eight, had wanted to help a young artist to succeed. When he had met Justin, he claimed that he would change Justin’s life. At his age, he had nothing to prove to anyone anymore, and, according to him, his life had been becoming boring. He couldn’t wait, then, to help Justin become what Brian Kinney liked to call a ‘big, fat, fucking success.’

His relationship with Mr. Dale was really one of a student and a mentor. The man was as straight as Justin was gay, and he kept calling Justin his spiritual son. However he termed it, all Justin knew was that he was terribly grateful to have him in his life.

Thanks to Mr. Dale’s connections and his ‘business genius,’ Justin had been able to obtain his first solo show in Paris, barely eighteen months after he had left the States. The young man remembered the first months after leaving New York extremely well, since it had been one of the most wonderful, but also one of the most difficult times he ever had to face in his lifetime.

His memories of that time always brought a myriad of feelings rising to the surface. It had been a wonderful time, the kind of moment when you’re sure something beautiful and wonderful is going to happen to you, but the time to discover and fully appreciate it is still yet to come. Justin had been waiting impatiently for his big break into the art world, a wait that had been tainted with an inner fear that it never would materialize at all.

So, it wasn’t a surprise that it eventually became one of the most difficult times of his life, too. Waiting for something to happen leaves a person with unanswered questions, and consequently, it allowed inner thoughts to be slowly invaded with tendrils of doubt and a lack of self-confidence, so much so that if he hadn’t been careful, it would have eaten him alive and destroyed everything that he had worked so hard for.

Justin had left so much behind, and, during those periods of waiting, he had constantly questioned himself about the wisdom of his decision. What good would it bring if it meant leaving all the ones he loved behind? What if he was doing all of this for nothing? What if it wasn’t worth it in the end? How could he live with it, then?

Leaving his friends and his family had been tearing him apart. It had been so hard to not give up and persevere in the first few months. In fact, he had nearly given up once, and had purchased a one-way ticket to the States. It had been an impetuous decision, but he nonetheless had found himself in Pittsburgh on a cold night in December, 2007.

On Christmas Eve.

Christmas is a much harder time to be alone.  It’s a time for family, friends, lovers, and partners to be together, to share together. Christmas is not a time when someone wants to be alone, and if by some unfortunate circumstance you DO wind up alone, it’s more like a hibernation period when someone locks himself away from everything and everyone and waits for Christmas to be over. Generally, either you live it completely, or you avoid it at all costs.

Being alone with his thoughts and doubts in Europe - he was in London at the time - Justin hadn’t been able to bear it. He had hopped on a plane on the twenty-third of December, and had arrived in Pittsburgh the next day, after a long drive from New York.

Of course, he hadn’t thought, and should have called before his unexpected arrival. When he had realized that Brian wasn’t at the loft, he had gone to his mother’s home. She had been dumbfounded to discover him in her doorway, but deliriously happy, too.

When she had announced to him that all the Liberty Avenue gang, including Brian, was spending Christmas in Toronto, his first thought was that fate hated him. Really? The only time he had wanted Brian to be here, to hide from the world – well, at least a little, he always made time for Gus at Christmas – and he wasn’t there?  It was true that Justin should have put some more thought into his plans before just showing up, but he had hated his life at that moment.  He’d had Michael and Debbie on the phone previously before making his trip, but they hadn’t mentioned where they were spending Christmas. Going to Toronto hadn’t been a part of his plan. But after all the miles he had already covered, he wasn’t going to stop now. Or so he had thought at the time.

To this day, he keeps thinking about that moment on Christmas Eve at his mom’s place, and how it had been another turning point in his life.

Jennifer had sensed that his son was struggling with his decision to stay in Europe. When she had looked at him that night, she had sensed that loneliness and fear were leading his actions at the moment, and that he was ready to give up everything and run back to Brian, while he ran away from his dreams that meant so much to him.

Running away . That’s the term she used that night, while trying to make him see things more clearly.

As soon as his mother had voiced aloud what his inner voice had been repeating constantly in his head, he had understood. Suddenly, he could admit the fact that he was giving up on his dream; not because he missed his loved ones terribly, even though that was a big part of the reason why he wanted to come home, but because he was  scared shitless to be wrong about his decision and fail. He was running away.

After he realized that, it was clear to him.  He couldn’t come back, not now. Either he would succeed, or he would fail, but at least he wouldn’t be a quitter. He couldn’t be, not after all he had been through. He owed it to himself, and more importantly, to Brian. Without him, he wouldn’t be the man he was today. He  owed  him his life, and so much more. How could he give up what Brian had fought so hard to restore in him? His art was a part of him. If not for Brian...

He couldn’t do that to him. He couldn’t give up.

So, two days later, he went back to London without seeing Brian. It would have been too hard, and he had feared at the time that he wouldn’t find the strength to leave him again. Therefore, Brian never knew he was there, since his mother kept his confidence and never told anyone about his impromptu trip.

Six months later, his first show became a reality. Not only that, he was displaying his works in fucking Paris a few months later, too. He couldn’t believe it. Paris! It had been the beginning of his work being recognized, and also the beginning of a wonderful journey for him, professionally speaking. For the next few years, he had travelled all over Europe, with his home base in Paris, and it had been like a dream come true.

Now, five years after his first solo show in the French capital, he has finally decided to settle near the Marais District, where he has been offered the opportunity to run his own gallery with a friend he had made along the way, an old collector that had literally fallen in love with Justin’s work and didn’t know what to do with his money.

So, a few months earlier, he had found himself a little apartment on Madame’s Street in the 6th district and had started a new life, again, as the co-manager of the Taylor-Cohen Gallery. It was a new challenge, because not only was the gallery displaying his works, but he was also responsible for finding new talents to showcase. It was what Justin had always wanted after all he had been provided with; a way to help young artists succeed, and realize their own dreams that were much like his. The daughter of Pierre Cohen, his art collector friend, was helping him run the gallery. While Louise was there, he could paint in the studio area situated at the back of the one-floor building.


Now, here he is, breaking out into almost a jog on Rivoli Street after having arrived at Saint-Paul Station, heading toward the gallery where a client is waiting for him. He encounters a couple along the way, two men holding hands with matching smiles on their faces, and his step slows down as his mind wanders again.


His love life is not as ideal as his professional life.

When he had first arrived in Europe, he had been heartbroken. Leaving Brian behind with such a strong sense of finality that it gripped his heart, he had felt at first like it was being shuttered forever.

Even if it had been their mutual choice, it hadn’t made it any easier; quite the contrary. He couldn’t bitch or whine back then because someone had dumped him. He couldn’t blame anyone. He couldn’t even pretend that it had been insane, and that he would come back to him. It just wasn’t the  right  time for them. It was just unfair.

Still, a few months after he left the States, he began to move on and had even dated a guy or two.

The first serious relationship had been with Stuart, a young, English lawyer he had met at Mr. Dale’s show in the beginning of 2008. At the time, Justin had been residing in London for five months, so he had decided to give it a try. Stuart was beautiful. He had this aura surrounding him, making him seem almost like a fucking magnet, and Justin was immediately drawn to him. Their relationship was intense, maybe too intense. Justin would understand later that the intensity of their relationship had in fact been a way for him to redirect his feelings for Brian toward someone else.  It was doomed right from the beginning. Four months later, when Justin had left London to go to Paris, he didn’t even blink when he ended it.

After that, he had spent a year without seeing anyone seriously. He had tricked, gone to parties, met a few guys, and had even found a fuck buddy, Peter. He was an American artist like him who had also become a good friend, but nothing serious developed from it. All he had wanted to think about was his art and his show.

Inviting Brian to his first show hadn’t been an easy decision. He had debated the idea for a few weeks before calling Lindsay. He had finally contacted her in November 2008, and had asked her how she was doing since moving back (his mother had told him the news after hearing it from Debbie). He had told her about his show and, of course, she had been ecstatic on his behalf. Lindsay had always been his first supporter, so it had seemed fitting that he should share the news with her first. However, he had never mentioned Brian’s name or who he was inviting, merely telling her that he would send her an invitation.

He had called Michael then after not having spoken to him in more than six months, asking about his life and telling him about his show. They had also talked about how hard it was to be so far away from all his friends and family, and Justin had confessed that he was still missing Brian, but he had made Michael promise not to say a word to his former lover about it. Michael had told him that Brian was fine, without giving him any more details. Justin would understand later that his friend hadn’t been sure how to tell him that Brian was seeing someone; so he had shut up about it at the time, wanting to spare his friend any pain he suspected he would feel.

It is weird how long Justin has waited to call his friends again. He hasn’t called for a few months now, except for his mother, of course, and Debbie occasionally.

He misses them all, the gang of Liberty Avenue. Still, the first year had been so hard, he had been almost afraid to call them, for fear he might want to give up and go home. So, he refrained from calling too much, even if he did call Michael twice, mainly to know how Brian was doing, and to know if he was alright. If not for his first show, he didn’t know how long he would have waited to call again, so he was grateful that he finally had.

Of course, he’d obtained some news about his friends from his mother and Debbie. After all, Debbie had made him swear he would call her from time to time when he had left. He would be lying if he didn’t admit he had loved her for that. His mother, Debbie, and Michael have been his only real link with the people he had left behind that first year.

He received all kinds of congratulations from the gang for the show, even a video tape with them all in it, except Brian. Of course, he’d been disappointed that Brian hadn’t shown up at the gallery, but he had understood why he didn’t. It would have been too hard at the time, since Justin knew he wasn’t intending on returning home any time soon.

So, when the owner of the gallery had given him a letter with Brian’s writing on it, claiming it had arrived from the States, his heart had skipped a beat. As he opened it, his heart had warmed up as he read the words on the paper written in Brian’s familiar scrawl.

Fly away, Sunshine.  I’m so proud of you.

Love always,

Brian

That night, Justin had felt like laughing and crying, all at the same time.

Two months later, Justin had met Thomas, a French guy; smart, funny, killer smile, grey eyes, tall, lean.  In the immortal words of his friend, Daphne, ‘to die for.’ They had clicked immediately, sharing the same sense of humor and vision about life, talking for hours about politics and society’s questions.

For the first time in a long time, Justin had felt his heart pounding faster, his hands becoming sweaty, and his breath quickening over a first kiss.

It had been during their first months together that Justin had found out about Brian’s new relationship. He would always remember that phone call, back in August 2009, as Michael had finally decided to share the truth about his former lover. Maybe the fact that Justin was involved with someone himself had finally helped his friend to confide in him, but Justin had been grateful for Michael’s thoughtfulness. Besides, knowing the truth about Brian earlier wouldn’t have changed anything. Justin would still have been in Europe, and Brian would still have been in the States. Justin still had so much life to experience.

Even if it was for the best, though, it had been hard to know that Brian was moving on; yet, Justin had been so proud of him at the same time. Michael’s words had been weird, painful and beautiful to hear, all at once.

Justin was happy, knowing that Brian was living . He always had known that Brian had so much more to offer than what people might think. He was the most generous man he had known in all his life, willing to do anything for the ones he loved, without people knowing about it, of course. It had been hard, nearly impossible sometimes, for Brian to open up and fully accept that he could love and be loved for who he was. So, that day, knowing that he was finally moving on and taking another chance with someone else, Justin was fucking proud of him. Sad in a way, because their life had not allowed them to share all of it  together , but so proud.

Moreover, he had been with Thomas then.

Thomas would be an incredible lover. It had been the start of a three-year relationship with its inevitable ups and downs; yet, it had been one of the happiest times of Justin’s life. He had been developing his reputation as a renowned artist at the time, living half of the time with a beautiful man when he wasn’t travelling for a show. And at first, it really had been great. Justin had even begun to think that Thomas could be his ‘happily ever after’ story. The man was kind, generous, and gorgeous, with a sharp wit and a zest for living life to its fullest. At thirty-two, he was a physiotherapist, possessing a wonderful empathy for the people he helped every day, and Justin really thought at the time that he was ‘it;’ he was the man he would live with for many years to come.

Unfortunately, Thomas had wanted more than Justin could give him in the end.

Seeing Justin when the young man wasn’t in Italy, Austria, Germany, or in another country, hadn’t been enough for him. They had begun to fight more and more, until eventually their arguing had become constant. Thomas had never really understood the importance of Justin’s art in his life; therefore, when Justin had refused to change his life immediately and to cut back on the time he spent creating a name for himself, Thomas had given him an ultimatum. It was him…or his art.

Justin had chosen his art.

It had been painful for Justin, as he had really thought until the end that they could make it. It seemed he had been wrong.

One year later, in June 2013, Mr. Dale, who was back from a three-month trip to Hong Kong, introduced him to Pierre Cohen, an older, rich man he had met there. The seventy-two-year-old collector was a charming, witty man and a lover of art. Their meeting that day had changed his life, again. Six months later, Justin was finally definitively residing in Paris.

He hadn’t met anybody after Thomas. He had friends, good friends even, but no one to share his life with. Peter, his friend and fuck buddy from before, had found his ‘true love’ according to him, and was now his best friend here in Paris, even if said true love wasn’t too ecstatic about Justin’s place in Peter’s life. Justin couldn’t blame him, knowing their former relationship, even if it had always been clear between them that what they were doing was a way to add some fun into their life, and wasn’t meant to be anything more.

Still, he was missing the connection, the bond you have with the person you love. He even had thought a few times about reconnecting with Thomas now that he wasn’t travelling as much, but he had refrained. He couldn’t go back to him, not when the man couldn’t understand how important his art was, and all he had endured to become the man he was today.

He has thought about moving back to the States, of course. Yet, something had always stopped him, either because it wasn’t the right time, or because now that he could afford to move back – the gallery could function without him being there – the truth was that he was scared somehow.

One thing he knows for sure is that he has never been able to forget Brian Kinney. His feelings are still there, buried deep down inside of him. He is not certain that going back to the States to witness the older man sharing his life with someone else is a good idea. Furthermore, he really doesn’t know how Brian would react if he returned.

He misses his family and his friends. Phone calls are just not the same, and three visits in seven years are definitely not enough. He hadn’t even seen Brian a single time, as he couldn’t summon the courage to turn up when the man was there. The two times he had gone back after that Christmas in 2007, Brian had been on a business trip, and that had suited him just fine.

He knows one day he will go back, go back to his friends, go back to his family, and yes, go back to Brian, even if all the man can offer him is friendship.

Still, he isn’t ready yet.


Justin finally makes it to the gallery and meets with his client. Mr. Nguyen has been a fan of his work since his very first show, and has bought several paintings in the last few years.

Justin is still amazed that people can be so responsive to his art. After his meeting, resulting in Mr. Nguyen buying another piece of his work, Justin is about enter his studio when he notices a man standing in front of his painting entitled Lost Love .

The stranger is tall, wearing a hat on his head, a beard on his face and a well-used jacket slung over his shoulders. Justin doesn’t know why, but after ten minutes of furtively observing this man, who doesn’t move from his chosen place, he finally heads toward him and positions himself on his right, looking at his most cherished work.

“Is it for sale?” The voice startles him in the silent atmosphere of the gallery.

“No.”

“Why?”

The question is unexpected, but Justin is a very polite man. “Because I don’t want to.”

“Good reason.”

They stay like that, next to each other for one more minute before the man asks a question that surprises Justin to no end.

“So, who is  he?”

“Excuse me?”

“The man in the painting, your lost love, who is he?”

What the fuck?

“I...” Justin doesn’t know what to say. “How can you...I’ve never…nobody ever...”

The man cuts him off. “I’m a perceptive man. When you look at it, really  look at it, you can discern two shapes in there...”

Does he really see it?

“You...”

A little smile appears on the man’s lips. “Also, the title is quite revealing if you ask me...”

Of course, the title...

As Justin exhales a breath he didn’t know he was holding, the man next to him smiles. “Okay, I admit I wouldn’t have noticed, if not for the title. But, I dare say that the other man here was your true love, right?”

How can this man know so much just by looking at a painting?

“I...” Justin debates inwardly for a few seconds with how much he wants to reveal, before finally settling for the truth. “Yes...”

“I thought so. With you not being willing to sell it, it has to mean that you still love this man.” Justin doesn’t agree with or deny the man’s statement.

The man clears his throat then, and asks another personal question to Justin. “So, where is  he?”

Justin doesn’t even know why he answers this one. “I...He lives in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.”

“I know where Pittsburgh is.”

This is a surprise. “You do?”

The man nods, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. After a long silence, his voice rings in the air.

“Can I ask you another question?”

What the hell. Justin doesn’t know this man, but if he can understand his painting...

“Go ahead.”

“Why are you still here?”

What? “What?”

“If he is not here, why aren’t you with him now ?”

Okay, this man is definitely a little weird, even if there is something there that Justin can’t ignore. He just doesn’t know what it is, but it’s there. “It’s not that simple.”

“Not that simple as in ‘it’s complicated,’ or not that simple as something else?”

Justin hesitates briefly before responding, “Let’s just say that I had to leave him...He has moved on, and he...he loves someone else.”

“Hmm,” The man doesn’t seem convinced by his words. “Can I ask you another question?”

Justin shrugs. He is not going to stop the man now.

“Even if he is happy with someone else, if you still love him, don’t you want to be a part of his life? To be there for him? You never know what life can present for you. Or for him. Maybe...” The man stops then, and Justin witnesses a furtive look on his face, but he sees it nevertheless. It’s the face of a sad man.

The man goes on. “Maybe all hope is not lost for you. Maybe he will need you in the future. Don’t you want to be there for him?”

The man’s words echo in his head. Sure, if Brian needed him, he would want to be there. In fact, if someone would call him right now, telling him that he had to go home, for Brian, even as just a friend, he would go without a second thought. He would give up his life now, knowing he IS the best homosexual he can be, and he would go home. He has nothing to prove anymore, to anyone. Still, it’s not that simple, is it?

“Why do you say that? I mean, how could I go back now? It’s been years since I’ve seen him. He has moved on. And I have, too! I have a gallery to run, a life here, a...”

The man cuts him off once again. “Don’t you think he still loves you? That he would be there for you if you needed him to be?” Justin feels like the man is angry with him for wanting to stay here.

I must be imagining things; I don’t even know this man.

“I...” What was the question again? Oh, yeah. Would Brian be there for him if he needed him to be? Justin knows the answer without a doubt. “Yeah, he would...” Still, that doesn’t mean it’s so easy. “But I can’t just disturb his life like that, it wouldn’t be fair to him.”

“What does that  have to do with anything?  Life  is unfair, Justin...” The man uses his first name, as if they know each other, giving an even more intense meaning to his next words. “Just... think about it, okay? You rarely have the chance to meet your soul mate twice, believe me.”

The man’s words, even if a little weird, ring true nevertheless to Justin’s ears. Therefore, all he can do is nod. “Okay...”

“It was good meeting you.” The man smiles at him, but the smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Justin can’t help but see many emotions there; at that instant, he is sure that the person in front of him is the kind of man that truly feels passionately, and aims to achieve everything he can out of life.

“Likewise...”

As he observes the man leaving the gallery, finally breaking the awkward moment they’d just shared, Justin realizes that he hadn’t even asked him his name.

Still, heading toward his studio, his head replays over and over the conversation he has just had with the stranger; today, however, he doesn’t paint; he simply stands in front of his canvas with the brush in his hand, too busy thinking to create anything.

 

 

 

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