One week later

Michael’s POV

At night, the lamps of the street are projecting their rays of light through the windows of the tiny comic shop; as Michael comes out of his sanctuary located at the back of the store, he hears the bell ring. Looking up, he notices his smartly-attired best friend enter with a sure step, before he turns the sign hanging in the window over to the ‘closed’ side and locks the door.

That’s a surprise.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hello to you, too, Mikey; do I need a reason to visit my buddy?” Looking to his right, Brian walks over to the counter and plops himself down on top of it, picking up a comic lying nearby and casually flipping through it.

“Oookay, if you say so...” Michael comes closer and clamps his hand down over the comic Brian is feigning to read, capturing his attention, before asking, “So, what’s up?” Pulling back a little, he adds, “I haven’t seen you since last week at the diner.” Both men understand the implied meaning of that sentence, even if neither of them acknowledge it out loud.

“Nothing, I just figured you might want to have a night out with your eternal lost love. I knew it would be an offer you wouldn’t be able to refuse,” Brian quips, tongue in cheek.

“Right.” Michael smiles.  “Don’t you have other plans?” He asks knowingly.

“Nope.” Brian remains sitting on the counter, still pretending to be immersed in what he is doing.

Michael stares at him, and Brian must feel it, because he finally closes the comic in his hands and slides back down onto the floor. As Michael observes his friend, he finally understands that something is off.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why would you think that?”

Michael raises his eyebrows at his friend. Brian sighs.

“So?”

Brian shrugs.

“Where is Aidan?”

Brian doesn’t look at him. “Don’t know. I haven’t seen him in a week.”

“Oookay.” So, that’s why Brian is here. “And may I dare to ask why?”

Brian shrugs again. “No special reason.”

Michael frowns, “Brian…”

His friend stares at him for several seconds before giving up. “Okay, I... I needed some air; is that so bad?”

“No, it’s not. And of course it has nothing to do with Justin’s show, right?”

Brian looks at him pointedly then, not agreeing to or denying anything. Finally, he takes a deep breath and turns around, while putting his elbows on the counter and his hands on his face.

“Hey...” Michael comes closer and positions himself next to Brian. “You want to talk about it?”

Brian straightens up and looks at him, a disgusted look on his face. “Since when do you know me as someone who ‘wants to talk,’ huh? I don’t want to talk.” Then, he starts pacing a few steps.

“Obviously.” Michael watches his friend retreating, but doesn’t move.

Finally Brian stops and sighs. “Fuck, why is all of this so damn annoying?”

Michael frowns. “What?”

Brian gestures with his hands. “I don’t know; everything...”

Michael can feel a half-smile forming at the corner of his lips. “You mean that your life is not a nice, long, quiet walk in the park?”

Brian snorts. “Can’t you think of a more boring metaphor? I don’t DO walks in the park...”

Michael huffs, “That’s for sure.”

Brian shakes his head as he confesses, “I don’t know what to do.”

Michael understands immediately that his friend is not talking about metaphors anymore. He opens his mouth. “You...” Then he pauses, not knowing exactly what to say.

Then, Brian gazes up at him, an open look on his face before he asks a question which surprises Michael to no end. “Have you heard from him?”

“I...” Michael stares at his friend. Brian is clearly distraught right now, and he has come to him to help him understand his own thoughts. Of course, Michael can’t answer for his friend, but he can try to help him as best he can. He has to tell him the truth. “Yes... I have.”

“Is he happy?”

“Brian,” Michael warns.

“Michael, I need to know.” I need to know that it was worth it . The unspoken words hang in the air, but both hear them anyway.

“He is...okay.”

“What do you mean…he’s okay?” To Brian, that could mean anything, and it was way too vague.

“I heard his first show is a big deal, and that he never could have accomplished what he has so far by staying here in the States. His work is gaining recognition all over Europe, much faster than he could have back home. It seems his show is an amazing feat for someone so young, and he seems ecstatic about being able to put it together in Paris, no less.”

“Good. That’s good.” Brian is nodding in a way that would make an observer think that he is trying to convince himself of that more than anything. But Michael knows better.

What he can’t make himself tell Brian right now, however, is that it’s still fucking painful for Justin to be so far away. He misses his family, misses his friends, but most of all, he misses Brian. Michael knows he is trying to move on, too, but it must be fucking difficult for him, being in a foreign country with no friends except for the ones he’s gained during the past year. Nevertheless, Justin has made him promise not to say a word to Brian about that. So Michael keeps his mouth shut, knowing it won’t do any good anyway.

“Are you going? To Paris?”

“I don’t know,” Brian’s gaze seems lost, but it appears to find a new focus as he looks up and instructs his friend, “But even if I decide to go, you have to promise me you will not say anything to Justin, you hear? I don’t want him to know… ever. ” Michael realizes that his friend is not stupid; Brian knows he and Justin are still in contact, and he also must know that Michael isn’t getting his information second-hand.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“But...”

“No, Michael, I can’t...Promise me...”

Michael had never been able to resist Brian’s eyes when he looks back at him this way, open and too vulnerable to hide his feelings; so he can’t do anything but nod. “Okay.”

However, there is still one question that Michael feels the need to address. “What about Aidan?”

“What about him?”

“Are you going to tell him? If you decide to go?”

Brian doesn’t answer, not really. “He has nothing to do with this. Besides, he has enough shit to deal with right now, without adding this to the mix.”

“Uhh...”

“What?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead, as if I could ever stop a Novotny from digging into my head.”

Michael hesitates slightly before asking, “Aidan. Do you...?”

Brian looks at him then, and Michael is sure that his friend has heard him loud and clear, without him having to say the forbidden words. Love is not a word you associate in a question when talking with Brian Kinney even now, even after Justin, even after everything. Yet, as he watches his friend peering back at him, his heart goes out to him.

“I have to go,” he mumbles as he turns to leave.

“Brian, wait! I’m sorry...”

“Apologies are useless.” Looking intently at his friend, Brian finally leans over to place a chaste kiss on Michael’s lips before saying, “Love you, Mikey; always have…”

“…Always will; yeah, I know...” Brian pulls back then, gazing at him for a few more seconds more as a way to accentuate his gratefulness to his friend, before taking a few steps back and finally exiting the store.

As his friend leaves him standing here, Michael can’t help but muse about Brian’s life. Ten years ago, if someone had told him that his friend would fall in love with an annoying teenager who wouldn’t take no for an answer, he would have told whoever was saying it that he was freaking insane. Brian in love? It was inconceivable. What would have been even more insane would have been for someone to tell him that Brian could fall in love a second time.

Now, Michael realizes the true meaning of the adage ‘never say never.’

February 2009, Paris, 4 th District, Cloitre Saint-Merri Street

Brian’s POV

As Brian stands in front of the gallery that is displaying Justin’s first solo show in France’s capital, he is grateful for the umbrella he is holding which not only protects him from the rain, but also obscures him slightly, giving him some time to look through the window. He knows his former lover isn’t there; he called the gallery earlier that day, pretending to be a fan who wanted to meet with the artist. He was told by the owner that Justin was currently away for a couple of days.

Still, Brian’s heart beats fast; too fast. He hesitates, standing there in the pouring rain for a few more minutes, before finding the courage to move toward the door. He isn’t sure why he is so nervous, but he is. The exhibition’s opening had been held nearly a week ago, so as he opens the door he is surprised to see so many people in the open display area. Surprised and proud.

Leaving his coat and his umbrella in the cloakroom, his eyes are drawn immediately to the huge painting displayed as the first one in the room, just near the entrance. The lines, the paint, the colors, everything about this painting screams emotions, feelings, here, now.

God, he is so fucking talented.

Three hours later and Brian’s still there, still immersed in all the feelings emanating from Justin’s work. As he moves from one painting to the next, a certainty makes his way into his heart, more than ever.

It was worth it.

He finally positions himself in front of the last painting, a relatively small one compared to the additional twenty ones in the exhibition.

This painting takes his breath away. He knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is looking right at them , Brian and Justin, or rather, right at the power of love found and then lost. The canvas is an abstract, but two figures can be guessed in the sharp lines, two intertwined silhouettes, which seem to become one. It’s painful and beautiful at the same time.

“Powerful, isn’t it?” an elegant, middle-aged woman walks over and stops by his side, her eyes riveted on the painting.

“Yes...” He can’t help concurring.

Gazing at Brian, she extends her hand. “I’m the owner, Nathalie Olalie. I couldn’t help but see how captivated you appear with the exhibition.” Turning to look at the painting once again, she adds, “This young artist is really talented. He’s going to go far in the art world.”

“I agree...” Brian can’t help the smile from appearing on his face. “Also, I can’t help but notice that there is no price tag on this one...Is it already sold?” He inquires.

“No.”

“So?”

Nathalie sighs. “It’s not for sale.”

Justin...Sentimental twat...

“Okay. Can you tell me if there is one painting I can buy?”

Her face lights up. “Of course! Come with me, I will show you.”

One hour later, Brian is the proud owner of a new Justin Taylor original. He asks the owner to stay discreet about his purchase before he leaves the gallery with his carefully wrapped package.

Two days later, Brian is back at the same spot from earlier, standing still on Cloître Saint-Merri Street and peering through the windows of the gallery. Except this time, he won’t venture inside, even if he really wants to.

Justin is there, right before his eyes, just a window separating them, looking happy, healthy.

His former partner is laughing and gesturing with his hands, talking to an elderly couple. Brian has always been amused by his WASP manners, but he knows that’s why Justin can literally hypnotize others at times. This occasion is definitely one of them. The couple seem delighted by what he is saying, whatever it is.

Brian’s eyes can’t seem to look away. Justin is as beautiful as ever, even if he can’t see his face clearly. Brian’s heart is pounding in his chest, just witnessing his former lover’s discussion inside the gallery.

Just then, a man comes up behind Justin and slides his right arm around his chest. Justin’s smile grows wider, or so it seems, as Brian’s heart beats faster, if that’s possible.

Brian can’t move. Who is this man? Is he a friend? A lover? More?

It doesn’t matter. All that matter is that Justin is happy.

At that instant, Brian has never been more certain that he was right when he let Justin go. This exhibition couldn’t have happened if he had stayed with him, and he seems to be doing more than well. Brian is convinced that the smile on his face is not the smile of a sad man. Yet, at the same time, Brian feels like his chest is going to explode, seeing the man that captured his heart eight years ago.

He is so proud of him. He would want nothing more right now than to enter the gallery and tell him just that. He would ask him to have dinner with him, and they would go to his hotel and spend the night together. He would tell him with his hands, his touch and his eyes how much he still misses him. Finally, Brian would leave the next day without looking back, letting Justin return to his world, and him to his. Yet, Justin would know that the older man still loves him more than life itself, and that Brian is fucking proud of him.

That it was worth it.

Of course, it’s not that simple. He can’t do that, for a lot of reasons. He could enumerate all the reasons in his head, because there are plenty of them.

Yet, there is one reason that surpasses every other one.

He knows it.

He even can admit it, at least to himself.

So instead of entering, instead of letting himself act on his fantasy, he retreats and finally begins to walk back to his hotel.

It’s time to go home.

Pittsburgh, one day later

Aidan’s POV

“Are you okay?”

Noah’s question surprises him and startles him a little.

“What? Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know.” Noah pauses. “You seem... sad or something...”

“No, I’m okay, really.” Aidan doesn’t stop what he is doing, looking straight into the sink and the soapy sponge in his hand.

“If you say so...”

Aidan is at his sister’s house, washing the dishes in the kitchen. It’s getting late and he’s tired. The last few weeks have been emotionally hard, and Aidan is feeling the aftereffects from it.

Olivia is now living in a private facility, not too far from her former home. At first, she had come home from time to time, but everyone involved realized pretty quickly that it was doing more harm than good.

It’s been nearly two months now since she moved out, but it’s still hard for everyone to adjust. The guilt is eating up each one of them differently, even though they know it was the best solution objectively.

Or was it?

Aidan can’t help but ask himself that question, over and over again, because even if it’s easier now for the children, Samuel, and himself, how could it be easier for Olivia? It really isn’t, even if now there are some times when she doesn’t immediately recognize her own children. So, yes, it’s the best solution in order to preserve everyone. But fuck if it’s not unfair.

Everybody in the family is grieving in their own way. Grieving for a life that is irrevocably gone. It’s a hard time, but they all try to stay strong, and lean on each other when things become too difficult for them to deal with, especially for Claire and Noah, and even Samuel. Aidan can’t allow himself to break down, though, being the one who winds up providing comfort more often than not to his sister’s loved ones.

He had broken down once, about two months ago. It was the day they had finally decided that they couldn’t deal with Olivia’s illness on their own anymore; the pain and the feeling of finality had gripped him that day, and had been too strong.

He had gone to the loft, not knowing how he would be received, since Brian had been avoiding him for about a week at that point. He didn’t know the reason, but he had sensed that Brian had needed space, and he had not pushed him. Yet, that day he had acted impulsively, not taking the time to really give it ample thought before he made his way to Brian’s loft.

Brian hadn’t been there, so he had waited for him; and when his lover had finally appeared one hour later, there were no words exchanged. Brian must have sensed that something was wrong, because he didn’t push; he’d just let Aidan follow him into the loft, and had held him for a long time that night while he cried like he never had before.

If not for Brian, Aidan didn’t think that he could have been strong enough to deal with his own family. The man has helped him more that he can possibly know, just by being there when he needs him, and listening whenever he needs to talk about it.

However, Aidan knew even before Brian told him that something was going on.

One week ago, Brian had announced to him that he was going to Paris for a few days and that he was leaving the next day. Aidan had understood immediately then why Brian had been pensive in a weird kind of way for the past few weeks.

Flashback

“You’re going to see him.” It is a statement, not a question. Brian doesn’t go to Paris for business, so there is only one plausible explanation left.

“Yes,” Brian confirms before adding, “He’s having his first show. The exhibition opening was two days ago.” He tries to come closer to Aidan, who is standing by the counter of his kitchen, but Aidan steps back. “I just...”

“You have to be there.”

Brian signs and nods imperceptibly, pleading with his eyes for Aidan to understand. “I have to go.”

“Okay.” Aidan tries his best to not show his feelings, even if it’s fucking hard.

“Okay?”

Finally, Aidan can’t help it and snaps, “What do you want me to say, Brian? That I understand? I do, I really do. But would it change anything if I said I don’t want you to go? Because I don’t want you to go. How could I? Knowing there’s a big risk...” A big risk that you won’t want to come back to me…

Aidan takes a deep breath, trying to gain control over his emotions. “But it’s not about me. It’s about you . And I...” He gestures with his hand, trying desperately to do the right thing here, to let Brian do what he needs to do. “I’m not going to stop you. I just...Fuck!” This is hard; harder than he ever could have imagined.

Brian shakes his head.  “Aidan...” He tries once again to come closer.

Yet, Aidan can’t let him, or he fears he might lose it and reveal too much. “No.  Just...just go, okay? Please ...”

Brian stares at him for a long time before finally leaving without a word. By the time he’s gone, Aidan thinks that his heart is going to shatter into a million pieces. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before grabbing his jacket. That night, when he comes home, he is fucking wasted. As he fucks a nameless trick in his bed ten minutes later, he tries to forget all about Brian Kinney, if just for one night.

Of course, it doesn’t work.

End of Flashback

That is the last time he saw Brian, exactly six days ago.

Now, as he enters his apartment after having left Noah and Samuel for the night, he just wants to take a long shower, sleep for a week, and forget the rest of the world.

Thirty minutes later, he is just about to crawl into his bed when he hears someone knocking on his door. Not bothering to get fully dressed, he slips on some sweatpants before going to see who could possibly want to see him at eleven o’clock on a Sunday night.

Of course, he should have known.

“What are you doing here?”

“No special reason; I just wanted to look at the pictures on your walls,” Brian replies with a little smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

“The pictures, huh?”

“Of course; what else?” Brian grins, a grin that doesn’t really reach his eyes, before turning serious, almost vulnerable. “Can I come in?”

Aidan sighs. “I was just going to bed; can we see each other another day?” He isn’t sure he’s ready to deal with Brian right this instant.

“No.” Brian’s answer leaves no room for argument.

“No?”

“No.”

Under Brian’s intense stare, Aidan can’t do anything but let him enter. Yet, he will not let go so easily.

“How was Paris?”

Brian winces. “Do you really want to talk about it?”

“No. But maybe we should.”

“Why?”

Aidan isn’t sure he hears him right. Did he really just ask him why? “Excuse me?”

Brian clarifies. “What good would that do?”

“Probably none,” Aidan admits.

“So, why talk about it?”

This is not going anywhere. “Brian, stop this. If you want to play dumb, you can just leave. I’m done playing.”

“Playing?”

“Yes, playing.” Aidan comes closer to Brian, who is still standing in his hallway. “You know I have feelings for you.” Brian doesn’t look at him and tries to step back. “Look at me. Don’t you dare back down now.”

Brian pauses and finally stares at him, seemingly surprised by the determination he hears in Aidan’s voice.

“Don’t you get it?”

“Get what?” Brian’s tone is somewhat vulnerable now, making Aidan calm down a little, as he takes Brian’s face in his hands, making him look right at him as their eyes lock.

“I love you, you asshole.”

Brian tries to move, but Aidan doesn’t let him.

Brian whispers, “Stop.” It’s almost a plea.

“Why?” Aidan steps back then, gesturing with his hands between them. “It’s the truth. And I might have hidden it from you for as long as you want, but that would not have changed how I feel about you. And somehow I think I’m just saying what you’ve known all along, anyway. So just be a man and deal with it. And when you’re ready to tell me what happened in Paris, and can stop freaking out, you know where to find me. Until then, you can leave.”

Brian watches as Aidan turns toward the door, making it obvious he wishes for him to leave. He moves to stop him. “Aidan...”

“No, Brian. I’m sorry, but I can’t deal with a man who doesn’t know what he wants right now.”

“I do know.”

Yeah… Right . “Do you?”

“I want you to move in with me.”

Wait a minute.  What? “What?”

“That’s what I wanted to tell you. I came here as soon as my plane landed. I want you to move in with me.”

Aidan can’t believe the man’s casualness. “Fuck you!”

“What?”

“You heard me, Brian. Fuck you! You’re freaking out after seeing your ex, so you ask me to move in? Do you really think I would accept, knowing what – or more precisely, who – is prompting you to ask me that? Because you miss him?”

“What? No! You don’t understand!”

“Don’t I? I know you can’t even talk about your trip with me! How can I trust you to be sincere now ?”

“You want to know? Okay, I’ll tell you, then! I spent three hours looking at his exhibition, and realizing how right I was to let him go. After having seen what I saw, I have no doubt whatsoever that we made the right decision.” Brian takes a step closer. “And after that, I saw him .”

Their eyes don’t leave each other. “He didn’t see me. I was outside the gallery, looking through the window like a fucking voyeur while he was inside. And he looked...healthy...happy...and so fucking beautiful...”

Aidan can’t help but close his eyes over Brian’s words before opening them again, dreading what else Brian might have to say.

“I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t entertain the idea of going in and seeing him, so I could spend some time with him. I thought about it for a few seconds, anyway...” Both men understand exactly what ‘spend some time’ meant.

“Still, I found several good reasons not to...”

Brian’s eyes soften then as he comes closer. “But one reason especially was enough.”

Aidan’s breath catches in his throat. Brian finally takes the last step that separates them and grazes his neck, a tender look on his face. Then he moves back and smiles.

“So, Mr. Cole...would you consider moving in with me? Or do I have to go and ask around Liberty Avenue to find another roommate? That would be a real shame, though, because, well...not everybody can suck my cock like...”

Brian doesn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, however, because Aidan quickly stops him with a kiss that stokes a burning desire in both their bodies within a few seconds.

Aidan can’t understand how or even why he feels so much when he’s with this man, but as he bends over the couch a few minutes later and Brian enters him, he realizes that he doesn’t care why. He just does.

He loves him.

END BOOK 1