Chilling thoughts


Justin had looked sucker-punched.

Without any hesitation or any fuss, he had turned around, gotten Daphne, and left. And Brian could do nothing but watch him go.

His first thought had been, ‘If only I’d waited a half hour more’. But the second one, the really important one had been ‘What the fuck am I doing?’

Brian knew how Justin felt about him. He had wiped his tears off his beautiful face that very morning. But because he was angry that Justin was late (though they had never agreed on a time) or that Justin had changed his mind about coming (which he knew he had not, because Justin would have found a way to let him know, being considerate to a fault), no, because, let’s face it, Brian was jealous of his fucking fag hag, he had had to go and fuck someone else? How mature… How fucking pathetic!

Brian had left as well, so angry at himself he had had to concentrate hard on his driving so as not to risk an accident. In the suite, he had thought about what he would have said to Justin, had he been waiting at the bar for him, like an adult instead of behaving like a resentful child. Brian had called him on his cell, leaving him that in a message.

Then he had taken off all his clothes to go to bed, feeling the whole time as if his heart were missing from his chest, and he had called back, meaning to tell Justin he missed him and was so, so sorry, but… he’d never apologized in his life because ‘Sorry is bullshit’ and he was Brian Kinney for fuck’s sakes, no apologies, no regrets. He laughed bitterly at himself after hanging up.

He was such a fucking COWARD.

All the stupid rules he hid behind, what good would they do him if Justin walked? No regrets? If he lost Justin, he would regret it for the rest of his life. The truth was he was a pathetic chicken shit, too afraid to admit how he felt, even to himself, too afraid of making himself vulnerable.

Brian opened his balcony door. There was snow everywhere, and it was freezing. The patio chairs were leaning against the table. He righted one. He went back in, got a huge bath towel out of the bathroom, and went back onto the balcony, closing the door behind him. He lined the chair with the towel and sat down. Leaning back, he put his feet on the table where the chair back had protected it from the snow.

It was a clear night. He was on the 20th floor, so he could see some stars despite the orange glow of the city. His naked body erupted in goosebumps, his balls trying to crawl back into his body, and his dick as small as a fourteen year-old's. He took a deep breath of the frigid air, and forced himself to relax and think.

He was 34 years old. He was professionally very successful, and had more money than he could spend. He had friends who loved him despite his flaws, and wanted the best for him. He had a son he loved more than he had thought he would, who adored him. He had a fabulous loft, a cool car. He had fucked thousands of men, and was gorgeous enough that he could fuck a couple thousand more if he wanted, before he got too old. His fabulous life.

Brian thought about how fucking EMPTY his fabulous life had felt that past week, from the second Justin’s smile had disappeared as the elevator went down until that truly miraculous moment when Justin had opened the door to Debbie’s house with Brian's own son in his arms.

He thought of their first night together in New York, until then the best fucking night in his entire life.

He thought of making love in the suite while they were expected at dinner, because they had both needed it so damn much, needed it like one needs to breathe.

He thought of their second night together, right here behind these French doors. He had made love to Justin, frantically, Justin’s back against the suite door, as soon as they came in, Justin’s legs around Brian’s hips, Brian’s hand cupping his gorgeous ass, neither of them able to wait any longer; Justin had come, untouched, saying his name, and Brian had followed, coming deep inside him, wishing there had been no condom to stop his seed from bathing Justin’s inner walls. They had collapsed in a heap on the floor, laughing, kissing, caressing, and hugging.

Justin had fucked him twice that night, because Brian just couldn’t get enough of Justin’s gorgeous cock up his ass, of Justin’s tenderness in taking him, of his caresses, of his patient loving until all the pain was gone, until only the hunger for Justin’s cock and the pleasure remained.

And then, he had made love to Justin again, in the middle of the night, slowly, deeply, Justin’s ankles on his shoulders, staring into each other’s eyes in the moonlight, their fingers interlaced, their bodies soaked in sweat from both of them holding back their orgasms for as long as they could to prolong that heaven they were in.

Then he thought of the hand job from that beautiful guy tonight, nothing but a stupid contest, completely juvenile, and of the trick he’d fucked against the wall not even having seen his face. He’d already forgotten how it’d felt.

There was a middle ground, of course. He’d had some spectacular sex in his days with guys he neither knew nor ever saw again. He’d had a lot of fun. Had been in more mouths and more asses than he could possibly remember. If he never was to have casual sex again, would he miss it? Probably, once in a while, more the thrill of the hunt than the sex itself, really.

If he was never to have sex with Justin again? He’d rather fucking die.

So he made a decision. For himself. Not for anyone else. Not for Justin. For himself only. He chose what he wanted most in the world.

He had been out a long time. He was shivering now, uncontrollably. His teeth were chattering. He was so cold he didn’t feel cold anymore. He got up, stiffly, and walked back into his room. He ran a bath, and while he waited for it to fill, went into the shower. He was not sure what temperature the water was because he could feel nothing, so he ran it cold of center, not wanting to take the risk to scald himself. Whatever temperature it was, it felt blessedly warm. He peed and realized how much warmer his urine was than the water, and upped the temperature until they matched, and it felt really, really good.

He stopped the shower, still shivering, and turned off the bath water. He tested it with his foot. It was warmer than the shower, but not by much, and he slipped into the water, submerging completely. It took him fifteen minutes to stop shivering. By then he added some more hot water, and some of the bath salts provided by the hotel, and soaked for a while longer.

Tomorrow he would see Justin. He tried to imagine how Justin felt about what had happened tonight. His gut twisted remembering the look on Justin’s face. But he also knew how Justin didn’t take things for granted. A week ago, in the morning in New York, he’d asked permission to take a shower. This morning, when Gus had asked why Justin didn’t kiss Brian, he would not have done it but for Brian’s permission.

So Justin would probably reason that Brian had never said he would not fuck around, that the only thing they had agreed to was that Brian would break his own rule and fuck him again.

But Justin also knew what to do and how to ask for what he needed to remain whole, to keep from losing himself. He had asked Brian to stay away from Essengy. The day he had thought Brian had just fucked someone else in Essengy’s lounge, he had held back his own orgasm, which Brian now fully understood. He had preserved a piece of himself from surrender, because he had given love, and forgiveness, but had held onto his pride, in the best sense of the word.

So tomorrow, Justin would not reproach him about what had happened, because he would not feel he had any right to, but would probably ask for some kind of give and take in their relationship, so he would not feel again the way he’d felt on those two occasions. Maybe that Brian only fuck others when Justin was nowhere around, or maybe that he not do so and expect Justin and him to make love afterward. Who knew? And whatever he would ask for, Brian would acquiesce to, because he knew for sure it would be far less than what he had decided for himself.

He was completely relaxed now, warm and at peace with himself. He came out of the water, dried off, turned off the lights and went to bed. He wished very much that Justin was there with him, soft and warm to hold against him. He sighed. He would do what he needed to do to make sure it was the last time he ever had to be without him while they were here in Pittsburgh. He went to sleep.

***

He woke up at 10:00 and ordered a large breakfast, with an egg white omelet, low fat cottage cheese, fruits, high fiber cereal and guava juice. He showered and dressed before it arrived, and ate while reading that paltry excuse for a newspaper that you get in hotels, USA Today. He missed his New York Times.

Once done, he drove to the public clinic on Liberty Avenue and had his blood drawn for an HIV test. It had been way too long since his last one. He called Drew for the address of Daphne’s apartment, because he knew Drew would not ask awkward questions, and went to pick up Justin.

He carefully peeled off the bandaid from the inside of his arm and threw it in the gutter before going up the stairs and ringing the bell. Justin opened the door and gave him a smile, one that said how genuinely happy he was to see him, and gathered his coat and scarf. He looked… beautiful.

His pants were perfectly shaped for his ass, his long sleeve shirt showed off his lean body and wearing black made his luminous skin and blond hair striking. He put on the scarf that Lindsay had made him, and it perfectly matched his eyes, emphasizing their amazing color. Brian couldn’t resist pulling him into a kiss, and he felt a joyful constriction in his chest when he felt Justin opening to his kiss like a flower in sunshine.

“Justin?” Daphne interrupted.

“Hello, Daphne.” Brian gave her his best smile. Unlike Justin, Daphne was not in love with him. It would take time for her to overlook last night.

“Hi, Brian.” As in, ‘Who’s talking to YOU, Asshole?’ Brian loved that girl.

“Justin, here is the key to the apartment. I have a date tonight. I’m going to ‘The Nutcracker’. I don’t know what time I’ll be home, so you can just let yourself in, OK?”

The message was loud and clear. ‘Don’t put up with any shit from HIM. If in doubt, come home.’

“Thanks.”

“Do you have your cell phone?” (‘So you can call a cab if you need to get away from this guy?’)

“Yes, mother.”

“Well, what’s the point having a cell phone if you leave it charging under my bed all the time? See you later.” She gave Justin a kiss on the cheek.

“Bye, Daphne.” Once again Brian gave her his nicest smile, with a message of his own: ‘Thank you for caring for him.’

“Bye, Brian.” (‘Yeah, yeah, you’re cute, but I’ve got your number, Mister.’)

Brian wanted to go to the diner because he figured someone would be there to ask Justin the questions he wanted the answers to, without him sounding like the fucking inquisition, which might be less than welcome. He was right. Blake got the story of why they were so late from Justin without Brian having to say a word.

Justin’s revelation to Theodore about how ‘a hand job and a quick fuck in the backroom’ had cured Brian's worries for Justin and his fag hag hit home rather uncomfortably, especially since it did not at all sound like a shot in the dark. How the fuck did he know what Brian had done in the back room?

Brian got a bit annoyed when the waiter all but sat on Justin’s lap trying to get his attention, though he could understand why. Justin was by far the hottest guy there. But when the waiter came back twice to make sure Justin had everything he needed, Brian’s patience was definitely waning.

“We’re doing great, too,” said Ted. “Thanks for caring.” Blake and Justin cracked up. It felt good that Justin laughed about it. He obviously thought the guy was making an ass out of himself.

“Why the serious face, Brian? Not enjoying the hot waiter hitting on your boyfriend?”

“I hadn’t noticed,” said Brian with a smile, wishing Ted was less perceptive.

“And I’m not his boyfriend,” corrected Justin. “I’m the guy he fucks more than once.”

Yes, just as Brian had thought. Justin never took anything for granted, did he? ‘Justin, you twat,’ thought Brian.

“Oh, good!” said Ted. “Then the waiter has a chance!”

“None whatsoever,” said Justin, and Brian wanted to kiss him so badly it made his hands itch.

When a second asshole made a move on Justin, Brian decided it was definitely time to go, even if he would catch shit about it from Ted later.

He also knew he and Justin had to talk, especially after that “Not his boyfriend” remark. For the millionth time he wished he hadn’t sold his loft.

“We need to talk,” he said, finally, sitting in the ‘Vette.

“Yes, we do,” agreed Justin.

“Let’s go to the hotel.” There was nowhere else really.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I misheard you. I thought you said ‘we need to talk’, not ‘we need to fuck’.” Well, Justin had a point. Brian wanted him so badly, it would be hard to resist the pull of the bed. But there was a sitting room.

“We can talk in the sitting room in my suite.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. No doubt… Actually, you know what? It might not be a bad idea. We can fuck first and talk later. It might make it easier.”

Fuck! Make what easier? Brian suddenly felt sick to his stomach. No, no, no, no, Justin couldn’t possibly mean.... Brian had never even considered he may not get another chance at this.

As if he could hear where his remark had sent Brian’s mind spinning, Justin briefly caressed the side of his face and said gently, “Brian, please take me to the hotel and make love to me. I need you inside me. I want you inside me. I’m confused, and I don’t know what to think. Maybe with your arms around me, things will make sense again, and then we can talk.”

Brian wanted to make love to him right then and there, to inundate him with pleasure in relief that Justin was not just closing him out and walking away. He leaned over and put a kiss on his lips, running the tip of his tongue between them until Justin opened his mouth to let him in. The kiss was soft and gentle and felt so, so sweet, but Brian wanted more, needed more.

He sat back again, started the car and drove them as fast as safety allowed back to the hotel.

From the garage all the way to the 20th floor there were people in the elevator. The maid was in the corridor, pushing her cart. When they made it to the suite, Brian walked straight into the bedroom. Justin followed him.

Brian went down on his knees and removed Justin’s boots, and socks, and stood to take off his jacket and scarf, pull off his shirt and undo the buttons of his fly. He slid Justin’s pants down over the soft skin of his ass, his semi erect cock happy to be free of constraints.

Justin stepped out of his pants and smiled. Brian smiled back. Off came his own jacket and shirt as he toed off his ankle boots, and down came his pants, socks and all. He took Justin in his arms and just held him for a while, savoring his presence. Justin was caressing his back softly and it felt incredibly nice.

He started doing the same, just running his hands gently over Justin’s back, his neck, his shoulders just like their first time. He let them slide all the way down Justin’s back to the swell of his buttocks, over the round mounds to the top of his thighs. He felt Justin’s cock react to that last caress, and concentrated his attention on Justin’s marvelous ass.

Justin replicated his movements and Brian, who had been hard since they kissed in the Corvette, felt his dick come to full attention. He gently pushed Justin onto the bed on his back, and now ran his hands down his front. The nipples pebbled under the light touch, the right one sporting a ring through a piercing Brian had not known was there. Justin sighed in pleasure. He placed himself between Justin’s legs, running the same feather touch caress along the erect penis. Justin shivered, his body covered in goosebumps, and reflexively tilted his hips and spread his leg further apart. “Yessss…”

The sight of his erect penis, heavy balls and delicately folded anus was so tantalizing Brian hardly knew where to start. He pushed on Justin’s legs until his feet were on the bed and his knees bent and took the balls in his mouth, one at a time, rolling them with his tongue. Holding them in his hand, he kissed his way down the perineum and made love to the star shaped folds with his tongue. He loved the sounds Justin was making. In this position, his tongue could not go very deep into Justin, but it was enough to taste his sweetness.

He promised himself that in the very near future he was going to spend an entire evening eating Justin’s ass. It was so delicious. He licked his way back up the perineum, swirled his tongue around the balls, and took a broad swipe from the root all the way to the head of Justin’s cock.

He took the large pink head in his mouth and suckled on it. Justin’s pre-come was as delicious as his ass. “Brian…” He swallowed the whole thing to the root, feeling the spongy tip hit the back of his throat then slide down further. He loved that cock and demonstrated it to the best of his abilities, which were impressive indeed. Justin ended up with deliriously trying to follow that mouth wherever it wanted to go as long as the pleasure it was giving didn’t stop. At that point three plunges from tip to root accompanied by a hard suck, and Justin was coming, crying out in rapture as his whole body contracted and released with each jet of semen that hit the back of Brian’s throat.

Just like the first time Brian had sucked him off, Justin’s amazing response almost pushed him over the edge. A sharp pull on his own balls got Brian in control again. He came to Justin’s side, watching his face in the afterglow, and kissed him lovingly. Justin received him as he always did, his mouth soft and willing, with a sigh of ease. Brian looked at him again, gently combing his sweaty hair back from his face.

“Brian, come inside me, please,” said Justin. “I want you so much.”

Brian smiled at him. He reached into the night table’s drawer for a condom and some lube and kissed Justin’s neck and teased his nipples as he placed himself between his legs again. He would have gladly given his left nut to only have to slick his dick and push bare into Justin. That thought was with him every time they fucked. He put on the condom, and was about to prepare him, but Justin said, “Just come in, Brian, now…”

Brian guided his dick to Justin’s entrance, and pressed lightly, hesitating, definitely not wanting to hurt him. All of a sudden, it was like their kiss. Justin’s opening relaxed for Brian, and he slipped in. Never had he felt so welcome in a body before. He sheathed himself fully in the warm tightness, and felt it contract very tightly around him, a wave of pleasure hitting him. He leaned forward and kissed Justin with everything he had, as he started pumping in and out of that perfection.

As always their bodies moved in effortless harmony, the rhythm of their coupling as natural as breathing, each touch, each caress, each kiss part of the same flawless erotic dance.

Brian reached for Justin’s renewed erection and fisted it in his slickened hand, and Justin smiled at him. Brian was very close to coming, each motion bringing excruciating pleasure, yet he smiled back. When he felt Justin’s body tremble, Brian let himself go, coming in long pulses that had his whole body glowing, his eyes offering his pleasure to Justin like a gift. His hand and Justin’s belly received Justin's own release, as Justin let out a beautiful sound of pleasure, and Brian felt he was looking into his soul.

They laid on their side, facing each other, sharing the same pillow, one of Justin’s legs between Brian’s, his hands caressing Brian’s side, Brian’s hand against Justin’s chest, feeling his heart beat.

Now it was time to talk.