Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

 

Brian is sitting at his desk in the loft watching Justin.  Justin is sitting on the couch with his bible on his lap.  He has the saddest look on his face Brian has ever seen on anyone, without the person actually crying.  He has never seen Justin cry, however his face certainly makes it obvious he is hurting inside.  Brian knows Justin constantly struggles with his beliefs and his new lifestyle, still this is different.

 

 

 

Justin is staring at the windows.  Brian can tell he is not seeing anything other than what is on his mind.  Eventually he seems to come back to reality a little, and he opens a random page in his Bible.  He moves his marker there and instead of reading he seems to be staring at the piece of paper used to mark his place.  Brian moves to sit alongside Justin.  "You miss them don't you?"

 

 

 

"Very much."

 

 

 

"Is that a photo of them?"  Brian points to the marker which he cannot see.

 

 

 

"No, we don't have photos."

 

 

 

"Maybe there is a picture or painting of them that we could retrieve for you."

 

 

 

"No, they are not allowed."

 

 

 

No photos, no drawings and no paintings.  Brian doesn't want to contemplate life without art.  His voice is soft and full of love.  "How can I help you, my love?"

 

 

 

"Time will help ease the pain and for now I just tell myself, all adults eventually leave their homes and make new lives for themselves."  Justin hasn't looked up and Brian knows he is still struggling, yet he loves what Justin utters.  "Besides, you are my family now."

 

 

 

"Justin."  Justin looks at Brian and offers a weak smile.  "We are family and I will always be here for you.  You know that right?"  Justin doesn't trust his voice so he nods his head as he looks directly into Brian's eyes.  He knows how love feels, he felt it from the moment he laid eyes on Brian, but now he sees it.   He thought he had seen it before, but now there is no mistaking it.  His feelings are reflecting in Brian's eyes; he is feeling pain, so Brian is feeling pain, he is feeling overwhelming love for his man and it is returned tenfold.  He turns to Brian and kisses him, gentle and closed mouth just like Michael would kiss Brian.  This is the first time Justin has instigated a kiss other than when they are in bed, and the clumsiness of it is the last thing on Brian's mind, as he is just enjoying the contact.  As Justin pulls back Brian doesn't want to feel the pain he sees in Justin's eyes anymore so he changes the subject.  There is no point in prolonging the kiss and trying to change the subject with sex, as sex is still only undertaken in the bedroom when they retire for the night.  "What page did you open?"

 

 

 

"One I know all too well.  I need to get a job.  I need to work.  Idle hands are the devil's workshop."

 

 

 

Okay, it isn't quoting verbatim, yet Brian is familiar with the piece of scripture on the page Justin must have opened.  Joan constantly dragging him and Claire to church is now benefiting Brian.  He knows this will not allow Justin to overcome the emotion he is feeling for his lost family, however it allows Justin to have a respite from the constant memory of his loss.  "What qualification do you have?  Where did you go to school?"

 

 

 

"We were home schooled.  Once we turn fourteen we start manual work, mostly we attend the fields, look after the animals and we are very good at carpentry.  I will need to work with my hands."

 

 

 

"What sort of work would you want to do?"  Brian realizes as soon as he has said it that Justin will have no idea what kind of work he might realistically be able to take on.  Even though he may be a very good carpenter he doesn't have the qualifications and working on a farm isn't practical.  "Once we have completed our trip to Philadelphia I will help you search if you like.  Or Justin you can always work at Kinnetik or...no just Kinnetik."

 

 

 

The following day they left for Philadelphia.  For now Brian tries to keep Justin by his side if it is at all possible as he worries that unscrupulous people might take advantage of him.  After Brian concludes his business he takes Justin to visit the Barnes collection which has just recently moved to Philadelphia.  A childhood without art seems almost sad.  He wants Justin to see art; real art.  He is hoping Justin will enjoy the experience of admiring art from some of the Masters.  Justin wonders why Brian has paid for them to walk around this building and look at the pictures.  "So people draw these pictures and give them to this place so they can charge people to see them?"

 

 

 

"Paint Justin, most are paintings, however that is just one art form.  Artist from every part of the world create art, in different forms, for other peoples pleasure and they have been doing it for years.  If the art is good enough for a customer to form an emotional connection with it, they might buy it.  Or they might buy it because the artist has a good reputation and they want an investment.  Only exceptional artists can make a living from it though."

 

 

 

"Is it difficult?  It seems like a nice occupation, to make things that give others pleasure."

 

 

 

Brian takes Justin to the children's section where he can dabble with the paints.  He hates to see Justin fail, but he doesn't think he can explain how difficult painting is.  Justin watches some of the children mix paints and then he starts.  He selects an empty easel and without much contemplation he begins.  He hasn't drawn in any shapes and doesn't seem to have any particular object in mind as he starts applying the paint.  Brian sits in the area where parents watch their children.  He is trying to find some encouraging words for Justin when he needs them.  He gives him twenty minutes as he thinks by then Justin will realize just how hard it is to paint what your mind's eye sees.  He walks up behind Justin and stops as he sees what is on the paper.  It is a replica of one of the Barnes most notable painting, Vincent van Gogh's, The Smoker (1888).  Apparently it had spoken to Justin and he had no other choice, but to put on paper the beauty he saw.  "Justin, have you painted before?"  Brian is delighted at what he is seeing and somewhat relieved Justin hadn't decided to copy one of the paintings with naked females adorning it, as that would never be hung in his office.

 

 

 

"No.  Is it that obvious?  I was trying to let my hand follow my thoughts"

 

 

 

Another parent notices Justin's work.  "Would you consider selling that?"

 

 

 

"Yes" and "No" were said in unison.  "Justin I'm sure there would be copyright laws in producing a replica of such a famous painting then selling it."

 

 

 

"You said people sell their painting.  Why can't I?  I will give you the money to help pay for the running of the loft and the accounts."

 

 

 

"Justin it is obvious you have a natural talent, it's a raw talent, nonetheless it's beyond anything I have seen produced in such a way.  You don't need to sell this painting, and I don't want you to because I want it.  It's amazing."

 

 

 

"Oh."

 

 

 

"We need to talk.  I think you won't need to find work Justin as you can have a career.  Our first priority though is for you to increase your education.  We can arrange a course that suits your needs; a tutor and I'll talk to Lindsay about a mentor.  She may offer to take on that role."  Brian is beside himself for Justin.  The man has talent and it has taken his parents abandoning him to get the opportunity to explore it.  Once Brian and Justin return home Brian makes arrangements to set Justin on course for his new career.

 

 

 

Brian arrives at Debbie's with Justin in tow.  Sunday dinner will be a little more hectic this week Brian thinks.  He knocks at the door and is greeted by Deb.  "Where were you last Sunday asshole?  Actually I haven't seen you for over a week, have you been away on business."  Brian ignores the question for now.

 

 

 

"Can we come in Deb?"

 

 

 

"What do you mean, we?"  Justin is hiding closely behind Brian as this lady is loud, very loud.  His hands are once again covering his ears.  He is becoming accustomed to loud unfamiliar noises; however this one might take a little longer than most.

 

 

 

"Deb this is Justin.  Justin this is Deb."  That is it.  That is the introduction.  Brian knows how to make introductions, but for now that is all he is saying.

 

 

 

"Welcome Justin."  As she moves forward to hug Justin, Brian puts his hand on her arm and leads her back into the house.  Debbie is very astute and doesn't try to hug Justin after that, as she knows to wait until Brian is ready and he will tell her what is going on.  "Please come in Justin and take a seat as we are just starting to eat.  I apologize Brian; we would have waited had we known you were coming."  Debbie waits for the joke about coming, yet Brian doesn't deliver it.

 

 

 

Brian pulls two chairs close to the table and both men sit.  "Hello Brian, Hello Justin."  Is said in unison from the men at the table, as they had met Justin with the women at the diner.  Unfortunately, or fortunately, Debbie hadn't worked that evening.

 

 

"Where are your sister and her friend?  Molly and Daphne isn't it?"  Ben asks.

 

 

 

Brian speaks.  "They have returned home."

 

 

 

"So you are alone now.  Well you're welcome to join us every Sunday if you like."  Nobody asks why the girls have left and they are pretty sure if they did Brian would give a curt "It's none of your business."

 

 

 

"He's not alone professor."  Brian holds up his left hand with only the ring finger extended.

 

 

 

"Holy shit!"  Debbie speaks.  Justin looks horrified at the expression.  Debbie isn't aware Justin has been raised Amish and probably wouldn't have been able to stop the words tumbling from her mouth even if she was.

 

 

 

Michael steps in.  "Congratulations."  He stands and moves to kiss Brian on the mouth and Brian turns his head, not even attempting to kiss Michael on the cheek, as the hug is all he accepts.  Justin will never understand anyone else kissing him on the mouth or any other place for that matter and he is happy to have it that way.  It is for them and them alone.  Michael isn't offended as he and Ben have discussed Amish life in-depth and it seems logical to him that a hug is the acceptable form of congratulations for Brian and him from now on.

 

 

 

Emmett jumps from his seat and rushes over and hugs Brian and goes to hug Justin; pulling back just before he does.  Justin rises from his seat and gives Emmett an awkward hug.  Once Justin hugs Emmett, everybody gets in line for a congratulatory hug while voicing their congratulations.

 

 

 

When everyone sits down the questions begin.  Brian raises his hand to stop everyone talking at once.  He looks in Debbie's direction as if to say he is starting at the beginning for her.  "Justin arrived last Monday with his sister and a friend to start Rumspringa.  That's a year of living away from the community so you can decide if you want to be baptized and live the Amish way of life.  Justin's sister and Daphne have returned home and will continue to live in the community."  Brian does not add all the details.  "Justin's decision not to return was made on Wednesday last."  He did not say who made the decision or that it was out of Justin's hands, as it is nobody's business.  "We went to New York and married that Friday at the court house."  He does not mention that they only just consummated their marriage three days ago; he knows that piece of information will never pass Justin's lips and his lips are definitely sealed on the matter.  "Just to be clear, Justin and I are monogamous so keep the wisecracks about my past to a minimum."

 

 

 

With the last statement jaws drop open.  Ted recovers first as he is pretty sure what he has learnt at work is exactly what Brian has said.  He didn't however, know Brian had married Justin.  "So, Gus has two mothers and two fathers now."

 

 

 

Justin looks surprised.  "Who is Gus?"

 

 

 

Brian has been so involved with Justin and the dramas unfolding around them introducing Gus has been overlooked.  It is an oversight on his part, but not a deliberate one.  Brian turns in his seat and takes both Justin's hands in his.  Justin turns to face him.  Brian and Justin are now keeping their voices low, as if having a private conversation, still they are not whispering as they expect the others not to join their discussion. That doesn't stop them from listening though.  "He's my son.  He lives with two women who are also gay."  Everyone listening can't believe the words munchers, wesbians or sperm donor have not been the first words out of Brian's mouth.

 

 

 

"Are you married already?  You can't have two spouses Brian it's against the law.  Not just the country's law which you have to follow, but also God's law."

 

 

 

Brian has become accustom to Justin's weird logic, that although he is married to a man he must still follow his beliefs.  "You are my only spouse Justin."

 

 

 

"So you are divorced?"

 

 

 

"No."  Brian realizes Justin thinks Gus was made through sex.  "I never married his mother."

 

 

 

"So you had a child outside marriage?  Who is his birth mother?  Who is this woman?"  The look on Brian's face tells Justin he has said something that Brian is struggling with.

 

 

 

"Lindsay, Lindsay Peterson is the mother of my son."

 

 

 

"I ask for forgiveness Brian I didn't mean my words to sound harsh."  Although Justin's tone had remained the same he could see the words "this woman" is not the way he should be referring to the mother of Brian's son.  Then it falls in to place for Justin.  "Lindsay Peterson; the person you ask to mentor me?  The painter?"

 

 

 

"Yes.  She is an artist, however painting is the art form she prefers."

 

 

 

"When you finished your conversation with her...sorry Lindsay, you then told Gus on the telephone that you loved him?"

 

 

 

"Yes, that was Gus.  I should be the one apologizing as I just assumed you knew about him, I forget sometimes how quickly our lives became one."

 

 

 

"And there is so much I don't know.  I understand Brian; sometimes it must feel like having a child in your home having to explain so much to me.  I understand the assumption that I knew of your son."

 

 

 

"I'm one of Gus's parents and I love him, very much, even though he doesn't live with me.  Not knowing who Gus was, were you jealous when you heard me say I loved him?"

 

 

 

"Love is patient; love is kind, it isn't jealous."

 

 

 

Brian is pretty sure Justin must have been experiencing jealousy for that particular part of the conversation to be commented on, however; Justin will never voice it as the bible says it is wrong.  Brian is a little bit happy about Justin's ‘unspoken-jealousy' as it shows how much he cares for him.  However, that is forgotten for now as he wants to make it clear his part in Gus' conception.  "Lindsay and I didn't have sex.  Have you heard of artificial insemination?"  Brian isn't about to explain the details with everyone listening.  He knows "they squirted it up her" isn't the way he wants Justin to think about his son's conception, no matter how true it is.  He also doesn't know if he should tell Justin that Molly and he were created the same way, so he takes lead from his father with a hypothetical.  "Justin if your parents loved each other very much, yet couldn't create you and Molly without help through IVF, that's artificially, do you think they would love you any less or that God would love you any less once you were created?"

 

 

 

There is a blank look on Justin's face.  "God doesn't approve of that, but children are not held accountable for the sins of their parents.  I don't know anyone who has come in to the world that way Brian and I'm not a parent so I can't comment on how they would feel."

 

 

 

If Brian tells Justin the truth then it needs to be a lot more in-depth than Brian originally thought.  "Can we discuss this later?"  Justin nods.

 

 

 

Brian then leans in and places his head on Justin's left shoulder while Justin leans in and places his head on Brian's left shoulder and then Brian's arms automatically wrap around Justin's body and Justin's arms instinctively take up their position around Brian.  It is like they are in their own cocoon and it appears that they are both comfortable and familiar with this position.  They can still be heard and Brian speaks.  "Are you okay with us discussing this later?"

 

 

 

"Of course."  Brian then lowers his voice and his whispers go unheard by all except Justin.  However, Justin's reply makes clear what Brian has said "I love you too."  Their faces are touching each other's, their eyes are closed and they are breathing in the love they shared for each other.  After about a minute of them seemingly just basking in each other's essences, they part and everyone expects Brian to bolt from the table with an excuse of using the restroom or some such like.  He doesn't.  He goes back to his meal and ignores all the questioning expressions on his family's faces.  Questions they know not to ask.

 

 

 

Justin looks around the table as he begins to eat again, everyone is staring at him.  "I apologize am I using the wrong piece of cutlery?  We never had this much cutlery.  I mean at...."

 

 

 

Debbie laughs; it's a big hearty laugh.  "Justin, nobody judges here, you can eat with a spoon if you wish."  The words "nobody judges" were emphasized and the meaning is clear to all at the table.  Nobody is to give Brian or Justin a hard time over what has just happened or Justin's lack of knowledge on the way Brian may have lived his life and produced his son.  "You are family Justin, and nobody judges here."  Debbie will never know how much her words are needed and cherished.  Brian looks directly at Justin.  It is the family comment that they both heard and Justin's eyes are close to tears which he will never let fall.  Justin doesn't cry tears from pain or from joy and Brian hopes one day he might be responsible for joy spilling from Justin's eyes.  For now though, Debbie being Debbie, has helped set their world right.  Justin has family, it may not be the one he was born into, but it is the one that will watch out of him, protect and love him from now on.

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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