"You shut your mouth 
How can you say 
I go about things the wrong way? 
I am human and I need to be loved 
Just like everybody else does"

- How Soon Is Now?, The Smiths (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VANodra7O0)

Everything was wrong; or it felt that way to Brian anyway. Lindsay was upset, Michael wasn’t speaking to him, and he couldn’t stop thinking about what Sam had said to him regarding Justin.

I don’t think you’re doing Justin any favors by forcing him to live out some fantasy life you think he wants. From what little I know of you two, and from others have told me and from what I’ve seen myself, I think it’s obvious he just wants to be with you.

It wasn’t anything earth shattering or new. Brian knew this. Hell, he and Justin had talked about it more than once themselves, and recently too. Yet even with all that Brian couldn’t let go of the compulsion to try and control him – and not in the way most people would think. He didn’t want to tell Justin what to do; he let the younger man do what he wanted. No, what Brain did was think he knew better than Justin what it was Justin wanted. He wasn’t sure the blonde was willing to take the risks he needed too, to make those things happen. Namely – leaving Brian behind in Pittsburgh to pursue his art.

Thus, the conundrum.

Brian was tired of the push and pull of their on-again/off-again pseudo-relationship. He was tired of hurting Justin (for his own good, he’d tell himself again and again), tired of feeling like an asshole even though his intentions were always well meaning. He was tired of the fact that the two of them never seemed to be able to make it fucking work. It never seemed to be the right time, and they were never in the same place emotionally, at least not at the same time.

It was incredibly frustrating.

Frustrating because Brian was closer to settling down and accepting a life with Justin than any of his friends or acquaintances would think. The last several months of taking care of Gus and basically abandoning his old lifestyle, cold turkey, had changed him. He felt vastly different from the man he’d been back in January when Justin had first left for New York. The weight of all the responsibilities that had been laid on him were grounding him, and not in a bad way necessarily, though there were days Brain felt he were drowning under all the pressure; but those days were growing fewer and further between. He still felt the call, the urge, occasionally, to run out to Babylon and park himself in the backroom and let every guy willing suck him off…but he couldn’t do it.

He wouldn’t do it.

He had Gus. And Justin.

Justin might not be physically present in Brian’s life at the moment, but he was present in Brian’s heart. More than once he’d tried to kick the blonde out, but Justin was a part of him now. Fused to his very core. Brian was the man he was because of Justin and the harder he tried to push him away or ignore his feelings the more often he would find himself instead thinking of him. Brian was slowly realizing that resistance was futile and he wasn’t sure there was a single thing left he could do to make Justin go away – short of hurting him with a manufactured lie and even Brian knew that was going too far. Besides, he was warming to the idea of a future with Justin. He just didn’t know what that future would be and how it would work…

Brian was living his dream. Running his own ad agency and making so much money that he was dreaming of opening a satellite office in Manhattan. Part of the draw was Justin, but part of the draw was Brian’s own desire to leave Pittsburgh and all its shitty memories behind him.

But Lindsay. And Gus.

New York was no place to raise a kid like Gus. He would hate it there. And then there was Justin. Brian wasn’t even sure the younger man would be staying in New York. He was half-way through his self-imposed six month window and, last Brian knew, no closer to finding all the fabulous success that had been promised him by so many people. Justin was so fucking talented and deserving of every success, but Brian just didn’t know if it would come to him and that was part of the problem, too. Brian wanted Justin to be a big, fat, fucking success. He wanted it so very badly. He wanted Justin to sell his paintings for thousands of dollars and be in demand and travel the world. God did he want that for him. That was part of his insistence Justin go back to New York – because he so desperately wanted success for Justin, sometimes he thought more than Justin wanted it for himself.

But Brian also wanted Justin back in the house in West Virginia. And that was pure selfishness. The part of him he refused to give in to because he wouldn’t and couldn’t ever ask Justin to give up anything for him and similarly, he wouldn’t and couldn’t allow Justin to give up on finding all the success he deserved, for Brian. He just wouldn’t – no matter how much Justin might be willing. No matter how much Justin wanted to be with Brian over being a successful artist.  

The six-month time limit still worried Brian, but the fact that they hadn’t spoken for almost a month now had him hoping the lack of distraction was allowing Justin to make fucking fantastic art, and allowing him to really examine his own wants and needs. He wouldn’t refuse Justin coming home if that’s what he decided to do in a few months, but Brian still couldn’t help but worry that Justin may just pass the time until then, only giving a half-hearted effort to show his art to the masses, simply so he could return to Brian. The one thing Brian never wanted Justin to experience was anger and regret that he didn’t do more when he’d had the chance. He didn’t want Justin to wake up one day and resent Brian’s or presence in his life. He didn’t want Justin to feel like he’d given up too soon.

It made Brian uncomfortable to think he had that kind of power because it was, mostly, unwanted. He relished the sexual magnetism he had always commanded from people, gay or straight. But he didn’t relish the blind adoration Justin had for him. He’d grown out of it, mostly, over the years but there was still a little bit of that teenager inside him and sometimes Brian would see that kid looking out at him from Justin’s eyes. Brian didn’t want Justin to live his life based on him, because he wouldn’t live his life based on Justin. But then again, that was never Brian’s style to begin with. Justin, on the other hand, had always wanted a home and a family and security and he’d always wanted those things with Brian; he’d been willing to give up so much to be with Brian before that now, with his future success within reach Brian didn’t want him to give up any more.

I don’t think you’re doing Justin any favors by forcing him to live out some fantasy life you think he wants…

Had Sam really seen Justin so clearly while Brian refused to admit that maybe he wanted Justin to be a famous artist more than Justin wanted it for himself? And if that was the case, how in the hell was Brian supposed to ask the blonde for the truth and get an honest answer? Or had he been getting a truly honest answer all along, only refusing to acknowledge it because he assumed he knew better?

The basic fact was Brian loved Justin. He loved just being beside him, and kissing him, and touching him, and running his fingers through his soft blonde hair. He loved fucking him, hearing him gasp with pleasure as Brian pressed into him again and again; slowly, quickly, roughly, softly. It didn’t matter. Those full, tender lips and the soft, pale skin and the tiny smattering of freckles on his gorgeous bubble butt...

It was an undisputed fact (in Brian’s head anyway), he wasn’t going anywhere – not physically and certainly not emotionally. The things Brian felt for Justin were not emotions he was willing to open himself up to ever again. He would never allow himself to feel so strongly for someone else, the pleasure and the pain too much to bear most of the time. Plus no one could ever compare. Justin challenged him and excited him and made him feel safe. That in itself was a feat and one that no one else in the world had a chance at meeting or besting.

From what little I know of you two, and from others have told me and from what I’ve seen myself, I think it’s obvious he just wants to be with you.

Fuck Sam and fuck Justin and fuck everyone. Brian had never known his life to be so damn complicated.

A few days after the campaign launch for Sutton’s Pale Ale, Sam left Pittsburgh. He was now back in Toronto and back with Jake, or so Brian supposed. He had called Brian from the airport to briefly thank him for his work and to let him know that they’d be talking again.

Brown Sutton, before he’d left the day after the campaign launch party, had cornered Brian to let him know he wanted Kinnetik to begin work immediately on more of their ads. He was going to return to Toronto and draft up some new contracts for the upcoming work. He promised it would be very lucrative for them both and Brian felt a great sense of pride at how well he’d done for himself.

So Brian and Sam would be working together again.

The promise of increasing the size of the already extremely lucrative Sutton Brewery account allowed Brian to realistically envision his little boutique agency growing over the course of the next five years, ultimately ending with an expansion office in New York City; likely long after Gus was grown, but still Brian harbored the dream of someday working and living in New York City. He wanted Justin there with him.

Brian couldn’t help but feel afraid that even though he was willing to give Justin more now than he ever was before, it still wouldn’t be enough and the blonde would eventually leave him again. He was stuck at the point of offering Justin almost everything, and he could only hope it would be enough for Justin until he finally could give him truly everything. Because he wanted to give Justin everything – he was just…well…he was terrified.

Then there was the HIV nightmare they were currently living for one thing. Brian had always lived his life spending no time acknowledging or recognizing regret yet he could name two things in his life he did regret, and one of those things was his damned one-night stand with Sam. The three-month HIV test was coming up fast and Brian actually felt more nervous for it than he had for either of his first two tests. It wasn’t that he thought he might suddenly test positive – even though he knew that was still a possibility – but it was really starting to bother him that he couldn’t remember a single event from that night. It wasn’t necessarily that he didn’t trust Sam’s word they’d used a condom – Brian just couldn’t remember, and it was hard to manage his emotions regarding the situation when he had no recollection of it.

He always remembered. No matter how high or how drunk – once he was feed a few pieces of information about a night he could almost always start to fill in all the missing pieces. But not this time. Nothing but empty space and missing time could be recalled when Brian tried to remember what had happened once he’d entered the doors of Vertigo. It was not knowing what had happened after he’d gone inside that made the situation all the more stressful because while Brian always used a condom – even when drunk or high – he’d never been so drunk or high he’d blacked out. And if he could black out then who was to say he really did put on a condom when he’d fucked Sam? Or that they’d used protection every time? Because as sore as Brian’s dick had been the following morning, he knew he’d had a quite lengthy fuck session. And was Sam really the only guy that night? He’d said they’d only fucked once but maybe he’d only said that to appease Brian’s nerves.

There was no reason to think back on it and dwell on it. It was done, the consequences of the night being lived out in real time and for at least another three months. Regret or not, Brian had no choice but to trust Sam’s word – and that was asking a lot. Brian didn’t give trust easy and certainly never his tricks, even if they turned into somewhat of a friend later on. It was all taking a toll. Brian really wanted nothing more than for this entire ordeal to be over with.

He thought about these things over the days following the Sutton campaign launch – spending hours at night lying in bed just thinking and debating and trying to figure his shit out. After a few days he was no closer to knowing what he should do then before. Finally, after having stared at it for weeks and as a distraction from his current cycle of thoughts, Brian opened the issue of Rage Justin had sent him some time ago, and read it.

The cover, which Brian immediately recognized as an allusion to his physical and emotional distance from Justin right before and after the car accident, was only a small taste of what was really in the story – which Brian had to admit was one of the more compelling Justin and Michael had told. He hadn’t said anything to them himself but after the Rage/JT wedding issue, the comic stalled a bit. The stories had grown stale and predictable and the result was a small slump in sales. The comic was still a big hit with the fags; where else were they going to see a gay crusader? But there hadn’t been much if any growth in readership since that issue – according to Michael anyway.

Brian was sure this latest issue would fix that problem. It was dark, and ominous, and by the end Brian didn’t know how Rage would get out of his predicament, or how Zephyr and JT could possibly help save him.

And, while the reality that had been mirrored in the comic panels was itself taking a turn towards the better, Brian hoped Michael and Justin didn’t take the easy out in the comic. He hoped they would stretch the current crisis over a few more issues and really milk the angst for all it was worth because it fucking worked, and worked well.

The comic opened with JT going out of town on a trip with his mother and sister. Rage couldn’t leave the people of Gayopolis without their protector, so he stayed behind to fight the evil that always seemed to be lurking around every corner. This particular issue introduced a new villain, Shadow-Man, who hypnotized Rage with a powerful toxin and then slowly fed off his life force, draining him slowly of his strength, intelligence, emotions, and his will to live.

Zephyr recognized the change in Rage immediately and he and his professor boyfriend called JT back to Gayopolis where the three of them together worked to find a cure for Rage and the others being infected as well as a way to identify and defeat the Shadow-Man. By the last few pages of the comic, Rage was a shell of himself, oblivious to the toxin’s spread through the rest of the gays in his city. He was unwilling, not to mention unable, to fight back.

Brian wasn’t blind to the parallels between HIV and AIDS and the toxin Rage and the others were being infected with. In fact he thought it was rather brilliant, the way it was done. Though he had to wonder how much of it was Michael, who at the time hadn’t known about Brian and Justin’s situation, and how much was Justin trying to work through his own shit.

The last page of the comic showed Rage, ravaged from the toxin and oblivious to the fact that Shadow-Man was moments away from infecting JT, the love of his life, with the very same toxin and then…To be continued…

Brian sighed with frustration, putting the comic back on his nightstand as he found himself neither distracted nor any less consumed by thoughts of Justin. It seemed his story was destined to always be in a state of “to be continued” as well…

Just a couple days later, the day before the Fourth of July holiday, Brian stopped by the Liberty Diner for some lemon squares. He and Gus were going to have a long day with Lindsay on the fourth, having a picnic before watching the city’s fireworks display together. He wanted to get a dozen lemon squares for the day, knowing they were a favorite of Lindsay and Gus.

Upon entering the diner he was surprised to find Ben sitting at the counter having a laugh with Debbie. Michael was nowhere to be seen, nor was JR.

Brian, who had told Lindsay about Debbie’s visit and her message only a few days earlier, felt a flash of irritation at her contradictory behavior and he approached the duo with growing, irrational anger.

“Hey Deb,” Brian grinned sardonically as both Debbie and Ben turned to look at him.

Debbie smacked her gum before smiling widely and greeting him in return. Brian noticed Ben looked away quickly and didn’t offer a greeting. Brian felt his anger bubble in his gut. There was no reason Ben should be acting like Brian had done something wrong…if anything, he and Michael should feel ashamed of the way they were treating Lindsay. And then there was Debbie, acting like everything was just peachy when not even two weeks earlier she had been at Brian’s declaring her support of Lindsay.

It was all bullshit, and Brian channeled all the frustrations he felt regarding Justin, and Sam, and everything else into that moment, feeling anger that was quite disproportionate to the situation grow within him.

“Professor,” Brian pointedly looked at Ben, seeing Debbie’s brow furrow as she looked between the two men.

“What can I get you, hon?” she asked then, and Brian looked back to her.

“A dozen lemon squares,” he said softly, pulling a twenty from his front pocket, “to go.”

Debbie nodded. Her face betraying her concerned confusion before she turned towards the covered cake dish which held the lemon squares.

"Where's the baby today," Brian, watching Deb count out twelve lemon squares, asked with barely controlled hostility.

"She's with Michael at the store,” Ben answered and when Brian turned to look at his best friend’s husband he offered Ben a sardonic smile.

“That’s great,” he replied, not bothering to hide his sarcasm. Brian tried not to enjoy the fact that he visibly saw Ben bristle at his tone.

Deb returned then, handing Brian the large Styrofoam container and taking the proffered fifty in return.

“Keep the change,” Brian said coolly before turning back to address Ben once again.

"She could be with Lindsay you know," Brian leveled his gaze at Ben, who didn’t look away even as his eyes slightly narrowed. “Then she wouldn’t be in the way while you both are trying to work.”

"Lindsay can't-," Ben started, then pausing and smiling between Brian and Deb. Brian let his gaze travel to Deb and she looked concerned. Her brow furrowed as she stared at Ben with an odd expression on her face.

“Lindsay’s not well enough. She's paralyzed. How would she keep up with and take care of a one-year old?"

"Fuck you, Ben," Brian laughed bitterly, “That’s total fucking bullshit. Lindsay is her mother and you and your wife are purposefully keeping her away. She’s all Lindsay has left of Melanie, and you won’t even take her to visit? You and Michael are so fucking entitled.”

Brian could see a blush rising up Ben’s neck at the same time his eyes hardened.

“We’re doing what’s best for JR,” Ben stood and tossed money on the counter, “not what’s best for Lindsay, or for you.”

He stood and stared hard at Brian before offering Deb a smile that Brian would say contained no humor or laughter at all. He then headed towards the front exit.

“You forgot to mention that you’re also doing what’s best for yourselves,” Brian called out and he felt some satisfaction at Ben’s slight pause, “because if you were doing what was best for JR you wouldn’t be keeping her away from the only mother she has left.”

Ben didn’t respond, or turn around, but his pause was answer enough for Brian. He had a feeling Ben was conflicted about this custody thing even as he stood by his husband. Brian could only hope he’d talk some sense into Michael.

“Don’t,” Brian shook his head at Debbie as she opened her mouth, presumably to say something about the scene that had just occurred in front of her.

Brian didn’t wait around to see what Debbie would say or do next. Instead, he simply took the container of lemon squares and quickly departed the diner.

It was midnight. Gus was finally asleep after the dramatic and emotional end to their otherwise fun and carefree day. Brian was frazzled, frayed, nearing defeat, and he had no one he could talk to. Lindsay was far too upset to offer comfort or understanding to Brian, Michael still wasn’t speaking to him, and now, after his display at the diner the day before he wasn’t too keen on talking to Deb. Ted and Emmett just couldn’t understand and Brian wasn’t comfortable enough to expose himself to them this way…

Brian was feeling lost and unsure of everything. He didn’t know what to do next and he desperately wanted to hear a friendly voice, one that wouldn’t pronounce judgments on him, or make him feel worse than he already did. He needed some reassurance and there really was really only one person that could give Brian any of those things…

At first he thought the other man wouldn’t answer, but then he heard his voice – breathless and panting.

“Busy with something?” Brian tried to tease but it fell flat and only ended up sounding oddly awkward, especially when he thought about everything they were currently dealing with.

“No, I just got back home from my studio, I left my cell phone at the apartment and I could hear it ringing down below so I ran up the stairs,” Justin breathed and Brian let out a silent sigh of relief. Either Justin didn’t catch his intimation, or he was simply choosing to ignore it. In any case Brian was glad. He shouldn’t attempt to make classless jokes when in a fatalistic mood.

“I know we agreed not to talk for awhile-,” Brian paused as he tried to think about how to tell Justin he just needed to hear his voice. That he just needed to talk to someone – or rather, he needed to talk to him. He needed help. Fuck if he’d ever actually asked for help from anyone before – he truly didn’t even know how to form the words.

 Justin’s voice was soft, “Are you okay? Is Gus okay?”

“I think. Shit, I don’t know,” Brian shook his head with frustration. He desperately wanted to skip over this part and get to the good stuff. When Gus would hopefully be happy and adjusted, when Lindsay would hopefully be on her feet again, when Justin would hopefully be here with him in his arms…

“What is it?” The uncertainty Brian heard in Justin’s voice only made his own apparent inadequacies as a father feel amplified.

“We were in Pittsburgh tonight for fireworks - at the hospital with Lindsay. They actually let us go to the roof to watch the show the city put on,” Brian smiled slightly as he recalled how excited Gus had been all day.

“Gus was laughing and running around with a few of the other kids beforehand,” Brian closed his eyes. He and Lindsay had a makeshift picnic set up on a small table, while Gus ran around laughing and waving one of the many sparklers he’d been playing with through the evening.

“Then the big show started, and at first Gus really liked it but then, I don’t know, something changed and he became terrified,” Brian’s breathing hitched in his chest as he recalled the abject terror that had transformed his young son’s face as he had looked at Brian for help and rescue.

Gus’s eyes had been wide and his skin had taken on an ashy tone that even in the low light of the evening was far too pale. He had stared at Brian, his tiny body flinching with each echoing boom, the giant display continuing in the sky behind him. Brian had stared at him for far too long, the reaction he was witnessing was completely unexpected and he didn’t know how to process it let alone know what to do. It wasn’t until Lindsay gripped his forearm tightly and called his name in a harsh whisper that Brian gathered his wits and stood, grabbing Gus in his arms. Gus had immediately wrapped his arms tight around Brian’s neck and buried his face in his neck. Brian could vaguely hear Gus’s tiny voice saying ‘No’ over and over in the most mournful voice.

Without even waiting to see if Lindsay was alright or following them, Brian carried Gus swiftly from the roof and down to the interior of the hospital. He tried to find a room where the booms of the fireworks were muted, but since the hospital was so close to where the display was being set off it was hard to block the noise out completely.

Gus didn’t move or relinquish his grip on Brian even after the last boom had sounded. By then Lindsay (with the help of a nurse) had tracked them down and though she offered a soothing voice and comforting hand Gus would not go to her. In fact he would not let go of Brian at all, not until the two of them arrived at the car where Brian had to forcibly pull Gus off him. The little boy’s face was still ashen, his cheeks were flushed bright red, and his eyes were wet with tears. He cried for nearly the entire drive back to the house, and it took Brian another thirty minutes to calm him down to sleep.

“I don’t know what to do,” Brian finished as he felt his own tenuous hold on his emotions falter. “He’s a fucking kid and having, near as I can tell, walking nightmares and flashbacks to that damned car accident. Like PTSD.”

Brian sighed and rubbed his eyes. He was so fucking tired. Between thoughts of Justin, dealing with Gus every night, and his own unsettling dreams Brian was exhausted. He just wanted to sleep for a week.

“That’s probably what it is,” Justin finally said, his voice soft and soothing and Brian immediately felt a calmness come over him. As he had been talking, his own anxiety and fear had been ramping up, bringing him close to the edge of insanity but now, with the reassuring tone of Justin’s voice in his ear Brian felt his hold on reality begin to strengthen again. He silently begged Justin to continue, to bring Brian back from the brink.

“It sounds like what I went through. After the bashing,” Justin added and Brian sighed inwardly as a flash of pain from the past – a long filed-away memory of pulling Justin into his arms when he’d freaked out at Gus’s first birthday party – playing in his head. Memories of the trauma of being bashed had overwhelmed him to the point of emotional paralyzation.

Shit, it was just like Gus tonight.

“I remember,” Brian responded quietly.

“All you can do for him is what you did for me,” Justin said and Brian felt a soft chuckle escape his lips.

“Not exactly what I did for you,” Brian teased, recalling what had happened that night after Gus’s party. It had been tender, and slow, and had begun the healing process for both of them – though Brian would never admit to anyone that he too had needed healing after that awful, long and painful summer.

“You know what I mean,” Justin sighed and Brian recognized the lighthearted tease of his tone.

“Fuck,” Brian spat the word almost bitterly, “I’ve missed your voice.”

Brian squeezed his eyes shut, the self-loathing he felt at his confession an automatic reaction and oddly comforting even though he wished he could make it go away. He was too damn old to behave so ridiculously with regards to his feelings. It may be ingrained in him, behaviors and safety nets he’d constructed over his 30+ years to protect himself, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to try and change. It was exhausting, being so protective of his feelings all the time and he just wanted to be as free with them as Justin was. If he couldn’t be more open with Justin then he really was doomed.

“I’m glad you called,” Justin responded, and Brian felt instant relief, “I’ve missed hearing your voice, too.”

“Pathetic,” Brian mumbled and he smiled when Justin laughed.

“Lesbionic,” Justin responded softly and then it was Brian’s turn to laugh.

“What else is wrong, Brian,” Justin asked after a long pause and Brian badly wanted to tell him everything else. He wanted to tell him about the whole Michael/JR/Lindsay custody fiasco, about his fears regarding the upcoming HIV test, about his trepidation over Sam and the night he couldn’t remember. But in the end he didn’t. He kept it all inside, choosing instead to address the one thing that was a minor blip on his radar, the one thing that he knew he was safe from, having gotten the official test results a few days earlier. The one thing he could take some joy from reporting the news of.

“I went to the doctor a few days ago,” Brian started, “for my annual cancer screening.”

“Shit, are you okay?” Justin immediately asked his voice no longer soft or tender but slightly panicked.

“Yes, all clear,” Brian replied and he heard Justin exhale loudly.

“Fuck! First of all, lead off with the ‘I’m okay’ part. Shit. I think you just scared ten years off my life expectancy. Jesus.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Brian said, breathing out a soft laugh.

They were quiet for a while, just sitting on the phone. Brian could just hear Justin breathing, and it was soothing. He felt himself relaxing into the sound, the rhythm easing him closer to welcome sleep.

“How are you? Doing okay?” Brian asked finally, his words slurring as he edged towards sleep.

“As okay as can be expected,” Justin answered and Brian wasn’t quite sure how to interpret that response. “But much better now.”

Brian felt a wave of relief, unaware he’d been so nervous about the phone call. Before he’d dialed he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Justin felt he was better off without Brian? But, based on his reaction to the call it would seem that was not the case, which was a relief because no matter what happened in the days, weeks, months to come, Brian could now recognize that he was not better off without Justin. He finally could take Sam’s words at face value and to heart. He made a silent promise to himself that he would be Justin’s greatest ally – no matter what that meant for their future. He promised himself he wouldn’t question or argue with the other man if, or when, he decided to leave New York and come back to Brian.

Brian had to let Justin determine the course he took. Brian could not do it for him. He finally understood that. Justin was and should be his own man, and by treating him as such Brian was doing all he could to secure their potential future together.

The morning after the July Fourth holiday, Brian returned to work feeling rested despite the emotional evening. He and Justin had actually talked for what felt like the first time in at least a year. Brian listened as Justin told him about the various meetings he’d been to and had upcoming with some of the galleries around the city. No one had expressed interest in actually showing his stuff yet, but everyone so far had been very complimentary and had given him a lot of helpful feedback and insight. Brian was happy to hear Justin actually sounded excited about his art – for the first time since he’d gone to New York.

Brian had tried to add to that feeling by telling Justin his thoughts on the latest issue of Rage. Namely that he loved it, and thought it was the best issue so far, aside from the first one anyway. Justin accepted Brian’s praise willingly, and then excitedly launched into a ten minute breakdown of the next three issues which would cover the entire arc of Shadow-Man. Brian listened with a bemused expression on his face, the excitement and earnest joy in Justin’s voice giving Brian even more of a lifeline to hold on to. It wasn’t until the time neared 2 am that Brian regretfully said goodnight to Justin. He had been partially hoping they could engage in some hot phone sex, but Brian didn’t want to sully their conversation with that.

Despite no release, Brian slept soundly and was, for the first time in a long time, not looking at his day at Kinnetik as an escape from everything else going on his life. He was actually feeling hopeful. It seemed the little mini-break with Justin, willingly entered into by both parties, had been beneficial after all. Who would have thought?

Brian, greeting his bewildered employees with what was, for him, a cheery ‘Good Morning’, was just settling in at his desk to begin going through his emails and compile ratings and feedback for the first week of ads for White Water Pale Ale when his cell phone rang.

He intended to let it go to voicemail but when he saw Gina’s name on the caller ID he felt a momentary stab of fear before he moved to answer the call. She had never called him on his cell phone before and Brian immediately worried Gus had been hurt, or worse...

His fear dissipated quickly when Gina explained the emergency, which was not to do with Gus but rather with her younger brother. It seemed he had been involved in a serious car accident and Gina needed to leave immediately to return home to St. Louis. She couldn’t tell Brian for sure how long she would be gone, only that her brother was critically injured and she would be gone for as long as it was until they knew he would be okay.

Brian understood, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t frustrated. He asked her to wait for him and then as quickly as he could he packed up the things he might possibly need for work for the next few days and headed home. Thankfully, the major push for the Sutton Brewery campaign was over and there were only a few last minute adjustments to the ads that needed to happen over the next week. That he could easily handle from home if need be.

Gina’s car was packed and ready to go when Brian drove up the long driveway of the house, and after a quick conversation, she was on the road.

Brian shared a look with Gus, smiling at his son in an attempt to alleviate his stress. He looked a little anxious at Gina’s sudden departure and Brian worried he’d revert back to his old habits, refusing to let Brian out of his sight and having panic attacks at every turn.

Because of that, Brian’s first order of business upon Gina’s quite sudden departure was to try and find a temporary solution to the issue of who could watch Gus during the day. He didn’t trust just anyone – in fact he trusted hardly anyone – and so that left him with precious few options. He tried Debbie first of course, but she was scheduled the day shift at the diner for the next two weeks and while the offer to have Gus keep her company there all day was appreciated, Brian didn’t think that was appropriate nor would it be good for him. Debbie suggested calling Ben since he was off for the summer and spent many of his days home with JR. Brian knew it was the best option, but after the argument they’d had at the diner he wasn’t sure he could, or that he wanted to.

His precious few friends and tiny list of reliable sources nearly exhausted, it was the last name on his list that finally offered a solution to the problem.

One hour later Brian and Gus were sitting with Jennifer and Molly Taylor at The Liberty Diner.

“Gus here needs someone to keep him company for the next week, maybe two,” Brian sipped his coffee while Gus concentrated on the games on the back of his placement.

“I have a busy week, I don’t think I’ll have the time,” Jennifer said, smiling adoringly down at Gus.

“What about Molly here?” Brian smiled at the young teen.

Brian and Jennifer had worked out this little scripted exchange on the phone earlier when she’d told Brian as much as she’d love to watch Gus she really did have work. She had showings every day and they were all over the city. She didn’t think Gus would appreciate being carted all across town for an entire week. She then suggested her daughter and while Brian was hesitant at first he couldn’t help but think that with a mother like Jen and a brother like Justin she had to be trustworthy. He conveniently ignored who her father was… Jennifer did warn Brian that Molly was in her sullen teenager phase and would likely need some gentle coaxing before she’d agree to help.

Brian had only just met Molly right before they’d sat down to have lunch together and it was a little strange. He had heard about her from Justin of course, but he’d never seen her before – not even a picture. He felt a little shitty that he’d never bothered to even ask Justin, or Jen for that matter, about her before. He had never shown any interest in her existence. She had been a little girl when Brian and Justin had first met so there was little reason to ask or know, but even after they started planning their wedding still he didn’t ask or even remember she existed…Brian wondered if Molly would have even been in attendance had they gone through with it.

As for Molly, well she looked just like her mother but Brian could see Justin in her, too. Specifically in the way she stared at him with a slightly annoyed expression. She had just turned fifteen and was acting, at the moment, very appropriately as such.

“I can pay you, very well,” Brian smiled at the teen.

“You don’t really have any summer plans, do you honey?” Jennifer turned to her daughter. Her tone was sickeningly sweet and Brian was amazed that Molly hadn’t called them out on their pathetic attempt to play her. Or maybe she couldn’t tell that it was all a setup? Brian wasn’t sure either way.

Molly shrugged, “Going to the mall. Hanging out with my friends.”

Brian bit his lower lip to hide a growing smile. She was definitely a teenager.

“I’ll pay you a hundred bucks a day,” Brian leaned forward, his forearms resting on the table, “you can buy a lot of new clothes with that kind of money.”

Especially at Hot Topic or Forever 21 or wherever the fuck you kids shop these days…he thought with a tiny smirk.

Molly’s eyes widened slightly in apparent interest and Brian did smile then.

“I guess,” Molly shrugged with her agreement but her feigned indifference was obviously for show. Brian didn’t let on that he knew, though he had to work to hold back from laughing while he resisted meeting Jennifer’s gaze, also in fear of breaking out in to laughter.

“You can watch him at my loft,” Brian said once he’d regained his composure, “if your mom can drop you off in the morning I’ll meet you there with Gus. Then I can take you back home when I get off work.”

Jennifer was looking between Molly and Brian, a soft smile playing on her lips.

“Whatever,” Molly shrugged again, but there was little attitude left in her. Her posture was slightly straighter and there was a new gleam in her eye that Brian knew had to be related to all the dollar signs she saw in her immediate future. A fifteen year old could buy a lot of things and see a lot of movies on the money Brian would be paying her.

“Gus,” Brian leaned back in the booth and stretched his arm across the back of the bench, leaning down towards his son, “what do you think about hanging out with Molly here for a few days, until Gina comes back?”

Gus looked up at Brian before turning to look at Molly. The young woman had the presence of mind to offer Gus a smile that lit up her face instantly. For a moment Brian was slightly caught off-guard. While it wasn’t as brilliant as Justin’s grin, Molly had a definite “Sunshine” quality going for her.

“Does she like Finding Nemo?” Gus looked back up at him as he asked and Brian, who hadn’t heard Gus mention that movie now for a few days, shrugged.

“Why don’t you ask her?”

Gus looked back at Molly and after a long silence he did just that, “Do you like Finding Nemo?”

“Yeah! It’s only like, my favorite movie from when I was a kid,” Molly grinned wider and Brian met Jennifer’s amused gaze. She was still a kid, at least to the two adults at the table, though she obviously didn’t see it that way herself.

“Do you like to draw?” Gus asked then, and Molly grinned.

“I have like all of my brother’s old art supplies,” she said gleefully, “I totally love to draw.”

“Okay,” Gus looked up at Brian with a smile and with that settled the foursome enjoyed the rest of their lunch.

Brian wanted to make sure Gus was comfortable with Molly, so after lunch he suggested they walk to the nearby park where Gus dragged Molly off to play on some of the equipment. Brian and Jennifer sat on a nearby bench in silence, just watching them. Gus was running around laughing and Molly, out from under the direct scrutiny of her mother and Brian, transformed. No longer inhibited she chased Gus and laughed along with him. Brian thought if nothing else, Gus had a new friend to help him through the never-ending rough patches he seemed to be experiencing.

“Have you talked to Justin recently?” Jennifer said, breaking the long silence that had settled between and surprising Brian from his thoughts.

“Uh, yes, actually,” he said slowly, avoiding her stare as he kept his eyes on Gus and Molly.

“So you know about this HIV scare,” she asked and Brian felt his pulse quicken. Her tone wasn’t quite questioning, yet it wasn’t quite accusatory. If she asked him directly he wouldn’t be able to lie; not to her; not about this.

“I do,” he said slowly.

“He’s okay so far, thank God, but it’s still scary for a mother to hear.”

Brian nodded. He could see Jennifer, out of the corner of his eye, watching him. Shit – he could tell by her stare that she knew or at least suspected the real truth of the situation. Brian remained silent though – she was a proper country club wasp and if Brian didn’t lead her on or give her his permission to broach the topic she wouldn’t bring it up – no  matter how much as she may want to ask him about it, or yell at him for it, or threaten him for hurting her son. She wouldn’t do any of that as long as Brian remained calm and quiet and didn’t let on…

“You must be okay too,” she added.

Shit. Brian sighed internally, so much for that plan. He turned to look at her and without a word just nodded.

Jennifer’s hand reached out then, grasping one of Brian’s and squeezing.

“I’m glad,” she said.

Surprisingly, her voice was lacking any anger or malice and Brian felt himself honestly wondering when he’d become someone that she genuinely cared about. He knew she didn’t necessarily hate him, but getting this reaction from her was surprising; it was nice.

They fell back into silence then, though Jennifer continued to hold Brian’s hand until Brian called Gus over and they parted ways, agreeing to meet up at 7:30 am the following morning at the loft where Molly would stay with Gus for the day.

The temporary arrangement worked well the first few days, and Gus really took a liking to Molly. As far as Brian could tell, they spent the days watching cartoons, playing games, and doing art projects. The loft was quickly wall-papered with all sorts of drawings, both from Gus and from Molly. She wasn’t as talented as Justin in that regard, but she was pretty good. Brian was glad they got on so well. He’d been afraid that yet another change to the established routine would do some harm to his son’s healing.

One night a few days later, after Brian had put Gus to bed, Justin called him, sounding a little buzzed but also immensely happy. Brian smiled as the blonde rambled on about having had a few too many shots of Beam with his roommate, who he had slowly started to befriend. They had bonded, apparently, over long-distance relationships. She had a boyfriend in Baltimore that was interning for a Senator for the summer and neither of them enjoyed being apart from their boyfriends; so they commiserated over drinks. Lots and lots of drinks.

“Oh, my mom tells me that Molly is completely in love with you,” Justin said after he’d finished talking about drinking to long-distance love, his shithole apartment, and what it was like living with Daphne’s friend.

Brian laughed at that. He had figured as much with the way she paid rapt attention to him when he’d get back to the loft from work. She was also constantly smiling and tossing her long, bright blonde hair over her shoulders.

“She does know I’m gay, right?” Brian asked, amused but also hoping Justin and Jennifer weren’t playing along for the sake of a joke.

“Oh she knows,” Justin giggled and Brian felt his cock swell at the sound, “she knows you and I are…long-distance. Or whatever.”

“Whatever we are, I know that I’m fucking horny as hell,” Brian growled into the phone as he reached into his shorts and gripped his quickly stiffening cock. “So how about we take care of that little problem, hmmm Sunshine?”

The end of the week saw Brian waiting, once again, while Gus had his therapy session with Marty. Instead of bringing Gus out when he was finished though, Marty came out alone.

“Where’s Gus,” Brian stood from the chairs in the waiting area.

“He’s in the playroom,” Marty smiled reassuringly and Brian felt some of his immediate panic abate, but only just slightly. “I wanted to talk to you for a moment.”

Brian nodded curtly and followed as Marty led him back to his office. The windows were directly west-facing so the afternoon sunlight was streaming in and brightening up the space. Brian saw a thick stack of papers on top of Marty’s desk and immediately recognized Gus’s handwriting and drawing style. If an almost five-year old could have a drawing style…

“Please,” Marty moved to sit behind his desk while Brian sat in one of the cushy chairs in front of the desk.

“Is something wrong?” Brian asked, unable to wait to hear why Marty had brought him in to talk.

“No, not at all,” Marty smiled again and another little bit of Brian’s nervous anxiety released.

“I just wanted to check in with you, and give you a progress report,” Marty folded his hands on top of the stack of papers.

“Okay,” Brian arched an eyebrow and waited.

“Overall, Gus is doing a lot better. I think we’ve worked through the worst of it but there’s still a lot of fear within him. Fear of abandonment,” Marty unfolded his hands and placed them palms down on the stack of papers before him.

“Part of my therapy process is drawing and painting. Many times it’s easier for kids, especially the really young ones like Gus, to explain, if you will, what they’re feeling through pictures since most of the time they don’t have the vocabulary to explain their emotions with words.”

Brian nodded. It made sense.

“You mentioned when you brought him to me that he had an obsession with the film Finding Nemo,” Marty thumbed through the stack of papers and handed Brian several, “I’ve been trying to get Gus to draw what it is about Finding Nemo that he likes so much. These are the results.”

Brian looked through the drawings. They were all very similar and they all depicted Nemo with his one little fin swimming alongside Merlin. Sometimes Dory was there, and sometimes there was another clown fish drawn in the picture.

“As you know, he’s drawn to the father/son aspects of that movie, and that’s where the most work is yet to be done. As I said before, his fear of abandonment, while lessening, is still there and quite strong especially with regards to you. All the people that keep coming into and out of his life don’t help in this regard.”

“Who’s this supposed to be,” Brian held up one of the drawings and pointing to the third clown fish.

“According to Gus, sometimes it’s his mother, and sometimes it’s Justin,” Marty said and Brian nodded, biting into his cheek to keep from betraying any emotion.

“Gus told me today that his nanny, Gina, had to leave,” Marty took the stack of pictures back from Brian.

“Yes, her brother was in an accident,” Brian nodded, “she’ll be back though.”

“And while I think Gus logically understands that, emotionally for him she’s yet another person who was there and now isn’t. What will help him, what he needs most, is stability.”

Brian opened his mouth to protest, to explain he was doing the best he could under very difficult circumstances but Marty held up a hand to stop him.

“I know,” he simply said, “you’re doing the best you can and I have to tell you, you’re doing a hell of a lot more than a lot of parents I have in here would. I’m just telling you what would benefit Gus the most right now. Whether it’s feasible to make any more changes, I don’t know. But you need to be informed regardless.”

Brian crossed his arms, feeling defensive. He was doing the best he could. Wasn’t he?

“I’d also like to start including you in our sessions, starting next week,” Marty added. “Just for the first half-hour. I think it’d help Gus to have you there.”

“Oh fuck no,” Brian’s knee-jerk reaction was out of his mouth before he had time to check himself.

Marty simply raised an eyebrow at Brian’s vehement response.

“Sorry doc,” Brain shook his head, his mind flashing through scene after scene of his childhood, pathetic and traumatic in its own ways. Jack hitting him, Joan belittling him, Claire hiding behind him as he took the brunt of their physical and emotional abuse in order to protect her. He couldn’t go there…not ever again. Not for anything.

“No,” he reiterated.

“It’s your decision of course. But if you change your mind…,” Marty nodded and Brian pretended not to see the pitying expression on the other man’s face as he seemed to conclude why Brian had responded the way he did.

Gina called Brian the next day, Saturday, to let him know that her brother had just come out of a coma. She didn’t want to leave just yet, but promised she’d be back by the following weekend, at the latest. Brian told her to take her time before he called Mother Taylor to let her know he’d be requiring Molly’s babysitting services for at least another week’s time. Jennifer had laughed when Brian told her that Justin had ratted on his sister about the crush. She insisted it was innocent enough and that Molly knew she stood no chance so it really was just a phase, something all teenagers go through. Then Jennifer invited Brian and Gus to have dinner with her and Molly on Sunday. Surprised, having never been invited to dinner by Jennifer before, Brian agreed. He had promised Gus a trip to the zoo and he thought dinner with Jen and Molly would cap the day off perfectly.

Sunday Brian took Gus to the zoo, and the little boy was ecstatic with the trip. It was, Brian learned, his first time going to a zoo. Brian found that surprising; he’d have assumed Mel and Linds would have taken him many times both in Pittsburgh and in Toronto. In any case, Gus was enamored of all the animals, but found the giraffe’s to be the most interesting. The zoo offered visitors the opportunity to feed the giraffes, for a small fee. Of course Gus was thrilled to take part in this activity, and squealed with delight as the animal’s long, sticky tongue grabbed the leaves from his hand. Brian even found himself laughing and getting caught up in the excitement of it all. Later, he purchased from the gift shop two copies of the official photo of Gus with the giraffe, and picture frames to match. One for himself and one for Lindsay. He didn’t consciously realize that it was the first time he had ever behaved in such a manner, or had bought into the sentimentality of a day spent with anyone. All he knew was that it had been a great bonding exercise for Gus and himself. Later, leaving the zoo, Brian purchased an annual pass so that Gina could bring him back if he wanted, at any time. The joy he’d seen on his son’s face had been enough to dispel all the darkness and shadows for the day. Brian thought of nothing but keeping Gus happy, and enjoying every moment he could.

When they pulled up to Jennifer’s townhome that evening, Brian noticed Molly just down the street playing with two younger boys and a large, yellow lab. The three kids were throwing a bright yellow tennis ball down the narrow street and the dog was sprinting after it, returning it to them before they threw it again and it ran off after it again.

“Gus! Come play!” Molly yelled as Brian let Gus out from the back seat of the car.

Gus looked at Brian hopefully and Brian just nodded. Gus ran down the street, meeting the yellow lab partway as it caught the tennis ball. The lab ran to Gus, shaking its entire body with excitement while Gus wrapped his arms around its neck.

“Hi,” Jennifer’s voice startled Brian and he looked toward the doorway of Jennifer’s home to see the blonde standing in jeans and a tank top, her hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. Brian had never seen her dressed so casually and he grinned at her, approaching the front door.

“This look suits you,” he added with a smirk. Jennifer gently punched his shoulder as he passed her, entering the townhome.

“Nice place,” Brian said after he’d climbed the narrow stairs in the entry and looked around the living area.

Brian had never been inside Jennifer’s home before, having only seen it a few times from the outside when he’d come to visit Justin right after he was released from the hospital. It was a cozy place, stylishly decorated but also homey. There were a lot of photos of Molly and Justin, and even one of Brian and Justin together.

“I’m hoping to sell within the year,” Jennifer said as she moved into the kitchen. Brian followed, the scent of lasagna assaulting his senses and his stomach grumbled at the thought of food.

“I’m finally making enough to move into a larger place,” she smiled as she offered Brian a glass of red wine.

“With Tucker?” Brian accepted the wine and sipped, watching as a blush crept up Jennifer’s cheeks.

“Maybe,” she smiled and Brian laughed.

“You look good today,” Jennifer said then, leaning her hip against the kitchen counter and taking a drink of her wine.

“Today was a good day,” Brian answered, “Gus had a great time at the zoo. I think I need to take him there more often.”

“Fatherhood suits you, you know,” Jennifer’s smile was genuine and bright and for a brief moment Brian let himself bask in the compliment, forgetting to slip on his mask of nonchalance. It was freeing and he realized suddenly that after this dinner he would not be able to wear that mask in front of Jennifer ever again. She would know his secret identity. But if truth be told, Brian was growing weary of the mask. With Gus it was easy to be himself, so why was it so hard with anyone and everyone else? He’d let Justin in slowly, and by accident Debbie. Even Michael had seen some of what was behind the mask but right now, in this moment, Jennifer was seeing what precious few had ever seen. And it wasn’t as terrifying as Brian might have thought.

“Gus makes it easy,” Brian shrugged off the compliment but realizing it was true. He had a great kid.

Dinner with Jennifer and Molly was something Brian had never experienced before. It wasn’t like the dinners Deb would host at her house. There was no talk of sex or tricks or anything remotely rated higher than PG. It was, Brian guessed, what a real family dinner might be like. He was relaxed, and having fun, and allowing himself to laugh and take part in what a year ago he would have scoffed at being a decidedly “hetero” evening.

When he left Jennifer’s he spent the drive back to the house imagining that he could actually see himself living a life like that someday.

Gus, who promptly fell asleep as soon as Brian started the car to drive home, didn’t wake even as Brian lifted him from the car and carried him upstairs. It seemed Gus had had a wonderful day, too. The zoo, the dinner, the dog. Much of the dinner conversation had been Gus regaling the table of story after story of how the dog, named Chewy because the two little boys who owned him were obsessed with Star Wars, would chase blindly after the tennis ball and run haphazardly into things in order to get it. Gus found it hilarious.

As Brian stripped a sleeping Gus of his dirty and sweaty clothes, he began to seriously consider the good it might do for Gus to have his own pet. He knew pets were good companions for the elderly so he could only imagine the same being true for young children. He couldn’t believe he was actually considering getting a dog, but after the day they’d had and the pure happiness he’d seen on Gus’s face it was a sacrifice he was willing to make.

Another week of Molly watching Gus at the loft passed uneventfully, and Jennifer even asked Brian if they’d like to come over for dinner again. He accepted the invitation, but they didn’t set a date just yet. Brian wondered if some of Jennifer’s attention to him was due to prompting by Justin, but decided it didn’t matter. She was giving Gus, and Brian, a taste of normalcy in their otherwise hectic and stressful world. It was a welcome distraction.

Thursday of that week was Brian’s three-month HIV test. He and Justin hadn’t spoken again since the last call, and Brian didn’t plan to call again until he could report his current HIV status. He’d been sufficiently distracted from worrying about the test, with carting Gus to and from Pittsburgh and working on his new account – a line of cosmetics for men.

Thursday night also saw Gina return to the house. Gus was ecstatic to see her, and she reported that though her brother was still in ICU, he was on the mend and should be okay. Brian told her she could have Friday off to unpack and get resettled, and he then called Jennifer to let her know the following day would be the last he’d need Molly’s assistance.

That Friday was unexpectedly emotional for Gus, and for Molly. Gus had cried when Brian told him that Molly wouldn’t be watching him anymore. He practically begged Brian to let her come over and visit. Brian, in chatting with Jennifer after he’d dropped off a teary-eyed Molly, made plans to get Gus and Molly together at least once a week if possible. It was not only important because they’d formed a special bond, but because Brian couldn’t tear yet another person out of Gus’s life so suddenly. Gus couldn’t handle that emotional stress – as evidenced by what Marty had told Brian the week prior, and what Brian had observed for himself.

After a weekend that consisted of visiting Lindsay and having dinner once again at Jennifer’s, Brian started his week off back on his normal schedule. For the first time in two weeks he left Gus at home, in his pajamas and with his nanny, to go to work.

That afternoon, when Brian met up with Gina and Gus to visit Lindsay, he was surprised to walk into her hospital room to find Michael and Ben hovering over Lindsay, who was holding a giggling JR on her lap.

Brian had been excited to tell Lindsay that Gus had been accepted into the private school she’d found in the nearby town of Weirton, WV*. About a month earlier, Brian and Gus had visited the school, at Lindsay’s behest, and that very morning Brian had received the call that Gus was one of the twelve new students they were accepting for their Kindergarten class that fall. The school was small and private and while it taught all the same curriculum as any other public or private school in the state, it also offered more intense focus on the arts and Lindsay was anxious and excited to foster Gus’s love of drawing and painting. Brian agreed, seeing how much having that for an outlet had been helping Gus heal from the trauma of the last six months.

“Hey,” Brian said with some trepidation as he watched Gus rush to his baby sister and immediately start tickling her chin and baby-talking to her. It was amazing watching her reactions to him and Brian only felt more guilt at his role in preventing Gus from knowing his sister better.

“Hi!” Lindsay’s tone was ecstatic and her smile bigger than any he’d seen on her face for months.

“What’s going on?” he asked, his eyes moving to Michael quickly before going back to Lindsay. He’d completely forgotten about his own good news.

“We’ve come to an understanding,” Lindsay smiled at Michael before she looked at Brian, “for now anyway.”

Brian quirked his eyebrow and waited for someone to fill him in on this wonderful plan that was in place, “for now”.

“JR will live with Michael and Ben most of the time, but I’ll get her every other weekend for four days. Once I get released,” Lindsay smiled at JR as the little girl bounced on her thighs. Brian wondered if Lindsay could feel any of it, and he also wondered how badly she might be bruised come tomorrow.

“It’s the best I can do right now,” Michael said, though Brian wasn’t sure if it was for his benefit, or to reassure Lindsay, or if Michael was trying to convince himself.

“For now, it’s enough,” Lindsay smiled and kissed the baby on the head, “I just want to see her.”

“Well I’m glad you all could agree to something,” Brian said. He wasn’t entirely sure it would play out to everyone’s satisfaction but it was better than what had been the plan before. So Brian let it go for the moment, to let Lindsay have her small victory.

“We should go,” Ben said then, avoiding Brian’s gaze as he spoke to Michael before leaving the room without another word.

Michael just nodded, looking at Brian before he leaned over to pick up JR.

“I’ll bring her back on Wednesday,” Michael said to Lindsay before turning and walking out with the baby. He too said nothing to Brian.

“Well that was awkward,” Lindsay rolled her wheelchair to where Brian was standing while Gus wandered over to his usual spot and opened up his coloring book.

“Whatever,” Brian felt the familiar nonchalance slip into place even though he wanted nothing more than to run after Michael and make peace. He hated when he fought with his friend and it seemed like it was all they’d done for the last year.

“So how the fuck did it happen?” Brian asked.

“I don’t know,” Lindsay shook her head, smiling and shrugging, “when I got back from physical therapy they were here waiting so I didn’t really think to ask what had changed their minds. I was just so fucking happy to see JR. I feel like she grew several inches since I last saw her.”

Brian nodded, not wanting to rain on his friend’s parade but he was also feeling a little cautious. He couldn’t bear to see Lindsay’s heart break again, so he made plans to pay Michael a visit and find out why he’d changed his mind. And maybe he could make peace with his friend, too.

“It’s not ideal, but what more can I ask from them? It’s not like I have the same mobility as before to chase her around? It’s not like I have any actual legal rights to have her in my life,” Lindsay sighed, “but they’re giving me a chance to be with her so I have to take it. Right?”

Brian shrugged. It was up to her, of course.

“It’s your call, Linds,” he said.

It was just after another relaxing weekend of hanging out at home with Gus and Gina buy the pool when Brian got his three-month HIV test results back. There had been a delay with the test results because of the some mechanical problems at the lab. So Brian was extra anxious by the time he got the call. He needn’t have been as he was negative. It was what he’d expected but it was still a huge relief. Brian was really looking forward to the day when he would be able to put this entire mess behind him. When he could fuck whoever, whenever, wherever; or rather – when he could fuck Justin.

Only a few more months and one more test and then he could be with his Sunshine once again.

Brian called Justin to tell him his good news, he was negative, but he got Justin’s voicemail. Figuring he was painting, Brian left him a message with his result, asking him to call back when he could.

Still feeling good from the negative test results and knowing at this point he was almost certainly in the clear, Brian decided to check in with Sam.

They’d not been in contact since he’d left Pittsburgh, and while they had a teleconference scheduled for the following week to talk about the next campaign for Sutton Brewery, Brian didn’t think discussing his HIV status would be appropriate to talk about on company time.

Dialing the other man’s cell, Sam picked up on the third ring and Brian heard noisy, restaurant sounds in the background.

“Hi Brian,” Sam answered and Brian could immediately tell he was with someone, probably Jake. His tone was very professional, impersonal.

“Sam. Am I interrupting something?” Brian teased.

“Just having a business lunch,” Sam replied.

Brian heard the phone move away from Sam’s mouth and then softly he could hear Sam excusing himself from the table.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked as the restaurant noises faded. Brian heard a door open and close and then the background noise transitioned to sounds of traffic moving.

“I thought you’d like to know my three month test came back negative,” Brian replied and he heard Sam offer a loud sigh.

“That’s great,” he said, “I’m glad. And Justin?”

“I haven’t heard yet,” Brian answered, “but what are the chances for him to be positive and not me?”

“Pretty slim I suppose,” Sam answered with some hesitation and Brian immediately knew what he was thinking.

“Justin isn’t the type to trick around. Not like me,” Brian said, feeling the need to defend Justin’s honor. If Justin did test positive Brian would have to eat his words but he knew that blonde – Justin would never fuck someone without a condom and Brian didn’t think he’d fucked more than one or two people other than Brian in the last year. No – Justin was the safer one.

“Sure,” Sam said, his tone appeasing and Brian bit back a snarky retort. He didn’t call Sam to argue over Justin’s virtue.

“How’s life back in Toronto,” Brian asked, suddenly unsure of why he’d called. He had wanted to tell Sam his status but now what? How soon he could hang up without being too rude?

“Same. Jake and I are living together again. It’s amazing what dealing with doctors and blood-tests and protocols can do to bring two people back together,” Sam said.

Brian continued to marvel at Sam’s ability to go back to the man who had caused him all this grief to begin with. He must really love him a lot. Though it was not really any different than the scores of times Brian took Justin back. Brian hadn’t said the words or even acknowledged his own feelings all those times, but looking back he could see that was why he’d let Justin back in. Because he’d loved him. Not just because he was an amazing fuck and the only one who could give as well as he got.

“I’ve got to get back inside,” Sam said then, breaking the awkward silence, “it was good talking to you, Brian. I guess we’ll be in touch next week for work.”

“Yeah,” Brian responded, relieved the other man was cutting the call short, “I’ll talk to you later.”

When Brian hung up the phone he almost instantly got a text from Justin; got ur mssg. On way 2 meeting @gallery. am neg 2. Talk 2 u soon. Luv u, J.