You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.—Julie de Lespinasse

'God, could this be any harder,' Justin thought. Well, actually, he hadn't been this hard in a while. And yet, knowing how hard it was, and always would be, he couldn't prevent it if his life depended on it. His body needed Brian's body just as it needed air to breathe.

Brian was claiming him with his kiss. He felt it in his soul, and Justin was not about to deny him. As if he could. Justin whimpered into Brian's mouth, which only inflamed Brian's passion more. Brian ran his hands though Justin's hair and tilted his head to better access his mouth.

All the anger, all the longing, all the love, all the hate, poured into his lover. Yes, his lover. Justin resigned himself to that truth. He belonged to Brian.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and pulled him against his body. Their hard cocks rubbed against each other. Brian groaned and rotated his hips against Justin's.

Justin grabbed hold of Brian's shirt from the back and started pulling it out from his trousers. Brian was still in his work clothes, minus the suit jacket. Brian released his hold on Justin's head, without breaking the kiss, and helped Justin remove his shirt. Justin ran his hands frantically over Brian's bare back, reveling in the feel of his hard, smooth skin.

Brian slipped the strap of the messenger bag off Justin's shoulder so that it fell down around his body and landed on the floor. He then removed the white jacket and tossed it to the side.

They never broke the kiss, which alternately went from desperate and hot to soft and tender. It was always in his kiss that Brian spoke volumes about his emotions. Justin was feeling them all now. He let himself open to hear Brian through his kiss.

Brian was horny—yes, always that but he was loving Justin with his kiss. He was telling Justin how much he missed him, how much he wanted him.

Justin tried to pull back from the kiss so he could pull his Henley t-shirt over his head but Brian moaned in protest, thinking Justin wanted to pull away from him. Justin didn't fight him; instead, he took Brian's hands and placed them under his shirt, silently telling him what he wanted.

Brian ran his hands up Justin's chest to the juncture under his arms where he forced Justin's arms up over his head, then reluctantly he released his mouth so that he could remove Justin's shirt. In that brief moment, when their lips weren't locked, Justin stared into Brian's eyes and saw pain.

Justin immediately felt concern. Brian sensed it. "Don't," he whispered. He was telling Justin once again, "I can't let you in. "

They stood there, panting from their aroused state, chests naked, skin touching skin. Brian's hands rested on the beam on either side of Justin's head. He lowered his head to Justin's, his lips ready to recapture the kiss. But neither moved. Brian was waiting for Justin to accept him.

And that was the problem.

"Jesus, Brian, what?"

The desperation in Justin's voice tore at Brian's heart. He rested his forehead against Justin's, trying to calm his racing heart and control his mounting desire.

"Justin, please …" he managed to croak out. God, he needed Justin right now. He needed to feel him, to taste him, to burn into memory every inch of him. After today, he had no idea where they would stand.

Justin was standing firm. He had to stop this vicious cycle. It was killing both of them. And Ethan … Fuck, Ethan! He couldn't think of that now. It was just him and Brian and this was a pivotal point in their non-fucked up relationship. It was either take one step forward or never go back.

Justin moved his hands up Brian's back and wrapped his arms around his neck. His forehead rested on Brian's.

"Brian, listen to me," he paused "Are you listening to me?" Justin asked.

Brian nodded his head slightly against Justin's.

"Take me there. You know I want to go. But you have to take me. You know how to. You just won't." Justin took a deep breath.

"The night before I left, I told you that Ethan could love me, that you can't. And do you remember what you said?" Justin didn't wait for an answer. "You said, 'not can't, won't'." Justin turned his face to rub his cheek against Brian's.

Brian sighed and melted into Justin.

"You can, Brian. You can. Whatever is holding you back, let it go."

Brian slowly closed his eyes, afraid of losing the moment. Heavy with anticipation about how this next sentence would be received, Brian said, "You don't understand, Justin."

Justin drew in a quiet breath, pulling away just enough to look into Brian's face. He tightened his embrace and pivoted them around so that Brian was leaning against the beam.

Justin pulled back from him. Brian froze, eyes still closed. He felt a tug on his pants as Justin pulled them down. He opened his eyes to find Justin looking up at him with a look of defiant love, need, and passion.

Brian's hard cock was mere centimeters from Justin's lips.

"Then make me understand. You talk, I'll listen," Justin said, immediately before he took Brian into his mouth.

Brian arched his back as he raised his arms over his head to grab the beam behind him. Justin was tormenting him with his lips and tongue.

Justin slid his mouth all the way down the base of his cock, then slowly pulled his lips, taut, back up to the head. When he got to the tip he slowly circled it with his tongue.

"Talk, Brian," he said before resuming his ministrations.

"Arrrrghhhh …" was all Brian could manage.

Justin repeated his actions.

"You'll have to do better than that," Justin said as he teased Brian's cock.

Brian hissed. "Fuck, Justin, what do you want me to say?" Brian's body was taut with sexual tension.

"Start by telling me where the pain comes from." Justin let his tongue roam up and down the base of Brian's cock, slipping underneath to tease his balls.

Brian moaned deeply. "Now?" He asked incredulously.

"Yes, now." Justin said. "Consider it pain management. Don't think, just feel, and talk. I'm listening, and …" Justin paused and rubbed his cheek against Brian's cock, "you're safe."

Brian's emotions were raw.

Justin resumed worshiping Brian's cock. And Brian talked. Mindlessly, he just started talking. He was numb to everything but the feel of Justin's mouth on his cock.

"I won't love again because I can't take the pain when it's gone."

Justin stilled his movements for a mere second and felt Brian stiffen. He quickly doubled his efforts to bring Brian's mind back to feeling, not thinking.

Brian sucked in his breath. Justin massaged his ass and thighs, silently encouraging him to continue.

"He died on me. Because of me …" Justin was sure Brian wasn't even conscious of what he was saying. His voice was strained, as if his thoughts were being pulled from his self-conscious. He was lost somewhere between his pleasure and pain.

Justin made every effort not to stop no matter what Brian said. He kept taking Brian to the edge and back—sucking, licking and touching him in ways that spoke of love and trust.

"I couldn't save him …" Brian was breathing heavily, his orgasm upon him. Justin tried to slow it down; he wanted Brian to continue.

"I tried … I swear … I even … But at least I saved her … and now … she's … she's … ughhhhh … ughhhhhh".

Fuck! Justin thought, but he had heard enough. It was more than he ever imagined Brian would share. There were so many questions, but they had a start. And Justin felt again that for the first time in a long time there was hope.

He pulled Brian deep into his mouth and slid a finger into his ass while his thumb rubbed little circles around the base of his balls.

Brian thrust into Justin's mouth and reached down to grab his head. He came hard, pouring everything he had into his open, waiting mouth. His seed, his secrets, his love his pain … all of it, and Justin suckled until Brian was spent and slid down the beam to sit on the floor.

Justin rested his head on Brian's lap, waiting for his breathing to slow down to normal.

He lifted his head to look at him. His eyes were closed. Tears silently ran down his cheeks. Justin reached up and captured one, then licked it off his finger.

"Now she's … what Brian," he asked softly.

"Now she's coming home." Brian answered.