"Dear God, let me know within my heart when I am right; Let it be the balm to soothe my deepest pain; Let me know the truth and speak it, When to hold would bring me gain; Dear God, let me truly know myself And have the inside strength to accept it."

~ Elias Penn-Smith

"Oh, no, you didn't!" Michael said laughing.

Rena and he had spent the morning in Michael's comic book store regaling each other with tales of their youth. Rena took great pleasure in shocking him with tales of her exploits during her wild college years. Michael found himself blushing at more than one accounting.

Michael, in turn, told Rena of many of his and Brian's wild adventures. Michael filled her in on all of Brian's exploits during the past six years.

She loved hearing how her brother conquered Liberty Avenue and was legendary not only in this town, but in some other parts of the world as well. Like Ibiza. She partied there herself on one or two occasions. It was decadent. She had no doubt Brian felt right at home there.

Rena wasn't surprised at Brian's legendary status. Even when they were kids in New York, Brian was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He was a star athlete. Popular with the girls, much to his dismay, and had a worldliness, that unfortunately, came from tricking at night for Andy's meds. No one knew of course, but it made him appear much older then his young years. Everyone wanted to be Brian Kinney. Little did they know how much it cost to be Brian Kinney.

"I sure did!" Rena said, reveling in the sight of Mikey's face turning beat red.

"How could you! I mean, how bad did it hurt? Do you have scars?" Michael whispered as if the conversation wasn't suited for "decent" people.

"Fuck, yeah, it hurt! And I call them battle scars, want to see?"

Michael's face registered shock at the suggestion.

Rena rolled over on her side, laughing. They were sitting on the floor going through a new shipment.

Michael shook his head. "Why did you do it?"

Good question; Rena tilted her head in thought. She hoped she could explain.

"Well, I did it because I wanted to experiment. You have to understand the field of study I was in. It intrigued me. Human beings are so complex. Human behavior patterns have been the topic of discussion and debates amongst scientists for years. I felt that a little experimentation was in order. Most scientists study other subjects from the safety of their labs. I decided to go into the field and study up close."

As a student, she explored "deviant" human behaviors. She immersed herself into underground cultures that were not accepted by "normal" society. She wanted to learn why these people choose, if it were a choice, to live these lifestyles. If she looked deeper, she would see that what she was really trying to do was understand the source of her own father's abhorrent, deviant behavior.

She spent a year cultivating herself in the S&M lifestyle. Not the "spice up my sex life" kind of S&M. She communed with authentic Masochists and Sadists. Their "need" to give and receive pain went beyond sexual. Most experts consider it a psychological condition, much like Self-mutilation Disorder, or BID, Body Integrity Disorder, only to a considerable lesser degree.

Michael gave her a disbelieving, confused look. "So you're saying that you let some guy tie you to a post and flog you for scientific purposes?"

Rena shrugged. "At first it was purely for research purposes. But then it became addicting," Rena admitted to Michael. Brian and James were the only other people who knew about that time in her life.

"Pain is addicting?" Michael chuckled and shook his head. "I don't understand."

"Did you ever hear of self mutilation; it's more commonly known as cutting?"

"Yeah, I have. Ben told me he knows of a few students at the University that do that. It's just sick, Rena!"

Rena smiled. "As a therapist, I wouldn't call it "sick". Mikey. What it is, is a mechanism some people use to deal with intense emotional pain. When the pain inside becomes too great they have to find a way to alleviate it. Physical pain is often used to stimulate the release of emotional pain. It is quite common. Most people do it, just not to the extreme of cutters, or those in the S&M lifestyle."

Michael didn't want to believe her explanation. "Most people don't do it Rena. You've just been treating sicko's for too long. You need to get out more." Michael joked and got up to put some comic books away.

"Really, and what do you think alcoholism or drug abuse is about, Mikey?" She countered. "Or sex addiction?" Rena was hitting close to home. She just described her and Brian's own dysfunctional behaviors. Each was still dealing with their emotional childhood traumas with drugs, booze and sex. She understood why Brian did it; she had no excuse for herself. She KNEW better, but refused to get help.

"People use those methods to dull emotional pain. It is a form of physical abuse. Does it make them "sickos"?" She retorted, defensively.

Michael looked over at her apologetically. "I'm sorry, Rena. I didn't mean to imply anything. No one knows better than me how Brian deals with his pain. I've been watching him for years bury himself in men, drugs and booze. I just never knew you were having the same trouble dealing."

"We lived the same life, Mikey. You have no idea how bad it was for us before we came to Pittsburgh. It's nothing either of us has been able to come to terms with. I'm hoping, now that I'm back home, we can deal with it together," Rena confided in Michael.

"God, Rena, I hope so." Michael paused and looked down, as if deciding whether or not he should entrust his thoughts. Rena saw his uncertainty and got up from the floor. She walked over to door and locked it, turning the open sign around so it read closed. Then she went to him and embraced him.

"What is it Mikey?" She murmured encouragingly into his ear.

Michael started to cry. "Jesus, Rena, I thought I was going to lose him when you left," he confessed. Rena held him tighter and gently rocked him in her arms.

"Shhh… You didn't lose him, that's what matters." Rena continued to comfort her friend.

"When he came back from rehab, I didn't recognize him. He lived with us for a while. I wouldn't let him out of my sight. I was so afraid he was going to… well, I can't even say it!" Michael blurted out.

Seems like Brian and her weren't the only ones still suffering from past wounds. Rena just listened, and held on. It was painful for her to hear this. Viv had told her about Brian's stint in rehab, but Mikey had first hand knowledge of how bad it was on him. Her heart clenched. There was so much healing they all needed to do.

She sensed something else in him. "Mikey, what is it? It's more than Brian's past. What's troubling you?"

Michael wiped his tears away and looked at her. She saw such despair in his eyes she wanted to cry herself.

"I love Ben. More than anything. One day I'm going to lose him, and I know I won't be able to survive that." Quiet tears were streaming out of his eyes.

Rena held him at arms length and gave him an odd look. "How do you know that?"

Michael gave her a disbelieving look. "Rena, you know he's HIV positive!"

"Yes, I know that. But how do you know you are going to lose him? I mean, you might go before he does, Mikey. Did you ever think of that?" she said, matter of factly.

He looked stunned. She sighed.

"Mikey, listen to me. Are you listening?" she asked, looking straight into his eyes.

He nodded his head.

"I'm a doctor. I've seen more terminal cases than you can ever imagine. AIDS, Cancer, Leukemia, you name it. I can't tell you how many times patients have made liars of doctors! A doctor tells a patient that they won't live six months, and four years later that same patient is still alive. Truth is, we are all dying. But only God knows when and where. No doctor can predict that to a certainty. Hell, Mikey, you could be struck by lightening or get hit by a car way before Ben leaves this earth! God forbid! But it's the truth."

She smiled at him when she saw he was grasping what she was saying.

"You shouldn't be worried about how long someone is going to live. You should be worrying about how well someone IS living," she declared.

Michael smiled a teary smile at her. "You know, Rena, I never looked at it like that. But you are right. I treasure every minute I have with Ben. I have to concentrate on that."

"Good. When it comes down to it, Mikey, all we really have is the moment. Don't ever take that for granted."

"I know you're right," Michael agreed. "Still…"

"What?" Rena asked.

"It does make me sad, that Ben and I can't be, well, you know, closer." Michael blushed.

Rena was confused. "Closer?" she ventured.

Michael was beet red. "Yeah, you know, CLOSER?" He said begging her with his eyes NOT to ask him to explain.

She stared at him for a moment, and then it hit her. She threw back her head and laughed.

Michael was not amused. "NOT funny, Rena! It's something Ben and I will never share!" He huffed.

"See, there you go again, Mikey. Looking at what you don't have, or what "might" happen, instead of living and enjoying what's right in front of you. So you can't bare back? But what can you do? What does a blind man do when he can't see? He learns to use his other senses, that's what he does."

Michael made a face. "Nothing can be more intimate than bare backing," Michael said sadly.

Rena sighed. "You know for a fag you know shit about cock worship. Have you talked to Brian about this?"

"NO!" I couldn't!" Michael exclaimed.

"Mikey, there is NOTHING more intimate than cock worshiping. Your mouth, your fingers, your skin, your eyes, your mind, honey, are all involved in cock worshiping. Not just your ass! You have your man's cock, right there in front of you, and you are worried about having it up your ass without a condom? Come on. Be imaginative. Give me your hand." She held her hand out.

Michael put his hand in hers. She brought his fingers up to her mouth.

"Did you know one of the most sensitive nerves in your body is right here in your finger tips?" She said then darted her tongue out to lick Michael's fingertip.

Michael sucked his breath in.

"The fingertips have many nerves and are responsive to very light touches, like the brushing of a tongue or light fingernail or teeth stroking. The sides are somewhat less sensitive and more ticklish." Rena demonstrated by licking the sides of his fingers. Michael laughed.

"Play with his fingers, Mikey. Experiment. Then use those same techniques on his cock. Think of the head as being the finger tip, and the shaft as being the sides of his fingers. As long as you don't have bleeding gums, or sores. You'll be safe. Watch those teeth!" Rena said and released his hand.

"Um, Geesh, Rena, I think I know how to give a blow job! I am queer after all."

"I'm not talking about a mere blow job, sweetie. And some of the worst cock suckers are queer. Ask Bean, he'll tell you," Rena asserted.

Michael laughed. Only Brian could get bored while he got his cock sucked. There was something to what Rena was saying. Cock worshiping…Hmmm…Michael was visualizing Ben's cock in a whole new light.

"The point is when you pine for things you can't have, you miss the wonders of all the things you already have. Not being able to fuck bare back is a small price to pay for being with the man you love. Trust me, you nor Ben will be thinking about bare backing once you got your cock worshiping technique down!"

Rena pushed her tongue in and out of her cheek, pretending she was sucking a cock and crossed her eyes for effect.

Michael giggled like a school boy. "You are bad, Rena."

"No, sweetie, I'm very, very good." She winked at him then went to unlock the store door, replacing the open sign.

"Now let's sell some fantasies!"

PART 2

Brian opened the loft door wearily. It was after 11pm. It had been an agonizing but productive day. Ted handled things very well while he was away, but there were certain things only the boss could deal with.

Ted and Cynthia starting hurling reports at him the minute he walked in his office.

Ted nailed that Sparkle account, which was no small feat. The competition out there was brutal. Small start up companies like his had to work twice as hard to reel in the bigger accounts. He told Ted he had a bonus coming for that one. Ted beamed. He handed Brian a bunch of papers he needed to sign. One of which was his lease agreement for the loft. It was up for renewal. Brian took the document and made some changes to it then handed it back to Ted and told him to make it happen. Ted looked at the changes, and couldn't suppress his shock. To his credit, he didn't comment.

Cynthia was still having issues with the new Art Director. Claude was brilliant, but impossible to work with. Brian didn't know what he was going to do. He needed Claude's expertise in the Art Department, but he also needed a working staff. More than one of the personnel from that department had threatened to quit. He managed to calm the situation down for the time being. He had a conversation with Claude, who seemed amenable, but Brian knew it wouldn't last. There was going to be trouble there.

He spent most of the day working on the new Remington account. He called John and set up a meeting to go over the new boards. He also promised him he would play racket ball with him tomorrow afternoon. It would be good time to discuss Rena's situation with him. Brian needed to find a doctor for Rena, and he would only accept the best. Remington Pharmaceuticals had access to the best. He knew his friend would steer him in the right direction.

Justin had called him around six to remind him to eat which was a good thing because Brian had forgotten. He had some personal errands to run so he stopped by the diner and grabbed a grilled chicken sandwich in between his stops.

James came by around eight with Rena and Shane. He bought a 2006 Lexus Hybrid Drive for Rena. They now had transportation. Rena liked the car. Brian was happy. They stopped by his loft before they came to his office. Justin was home. Rena loved the loft. She called it a great fuck pad. He laughed. He couldn't argue with that. She got to see some of Justin's paintings. She was amazed at how talented he was. He had given her one of his sketches. He drew it in New York. It was a drawing of her and Brian. She showed it to him. It still amazed him at how good he was. He didn't know when Justin found the time to draw it.

Rena gushed over the architecture of his building. She commented on the subtle beauty of the decor, which was Brian's own design. She told him he was wasting his talents. He assured her he wasn't, that his true talents lay in the back room of Babylon. She told him she heard, Mikey gave her a full report. He asked her how things went with Mikey. She was a bit vague, but he assumed things went well. At least her hair was the same color it was when he left her earlier.

Rena examined Kinnetik with a critical eye. She went through each department and introduced herself. Brian gave her free reign. He stayed in his office with James. He needed to talk to him about a few things. Shane followed Rena, taking the opportunity to check out all of the hot employee's.

He told Rena about the trouble he was having with his Art Director. Shane offered to go "straighten" him out. He was almost tempted to let her go at him, but decided against it. Claude was bi. The last thing he needed was Shane fucking his Art Director.

James was able to do what Brian asked him to do. One less thing to worry about. He sent them all home around nine. They would meet up tomorrow night at Emmett's big "welcome home" party. It was being held at Anton's. It was a new café that opened up on Canter Blvd. He heard it was a very trendy place. Emmett's party planning business was gaining some recognition. Brian was impressed.

He spent the rest of the evening working. And worrying how Justin was going to react to his "surprise". By ten thirty he had enough. He locked up and drove home.

He walked over to the sofa and placed the shopping bag he was carrying down. A tired sigh escaped his lips.

"Rough day?" Justin called from the bedroom. Brian looked over at him. He had that sleepy sexy look about him.

"Hey," he said as he slipped out of his coat. Justin went over to him and rubbed his shoulders.

"Mmmm… That feels good." Brian threw his head back and closed his eyes.

"Did you eat?" Justin asked.

"What are you now, my fucking mother?" Brian snapped.

Justin could feel the tension in his shoulders. "I'll take that as a no."

Brian sighed. "I stopped at the diner and had a chicken sandwich, happy?" Brian snapped and walked away from Justin.

Justin picked up on his bad mood the minute he stepped out of the bedroom. When he was like this, it was best to leave him alone. Justin turned around and headed back to the bedroom.

Brian's voice stopped him. "Don't go. I need to talk to you."

Justin turned back around and walked over to the couch.

"Sit," Brian ordered.

"Ok, you're freaking me out, Bri. What's up?" Justin asked as he sat down.

Brian pulled the Minotti leather armchair over to the Italian imported coffee table and sat across from Justin.

He reached into the shopping bag he brought home and pulled out the first item and laid it on the coffee table.

Justin looked at it. It was a cell phone.

"I got your old number back. It wasn't easy, but the rolodex in my head is getting full. I don't need to memorize a new number. My cell number is programmed in, as well as my office number. You'll have to program any other numbers you want in yourself," Brian said, looking intently at Justin, waiting for his response.

Justin didn't say a word. He knew Brian expected him to protest. He didn't like Brian buying him things. He owed Brian so much already. But the look on Brian's face told him to just accept this. It was more convenient for Brian to get a hold of Justin if he needed him. He picked up the phone and nodded his head in acceptance.

Brian let out a breath. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a second item. It was a wrapped box. He laid it on the table.

Justin stared at it.

"Well, open it."

"What is it?" Justin asked, confused.

"What the fuck does it look like? It's a present!" Brian bit out.

Justin reached over and opened the box. It was a beautiful blue pull over cashmere sweater. Justin rubbed it against his cheek.

"It's beautiful, Brian, but why?"

"It's your birthday present."

Justin looked confused. "My birthday was months ago. Remember? You got me that trick," Justin said sadly. It was a bad memory. He never told Brian, but it was what prompted their breakup. Brian really broke his heart that day. That was the night Lindsey and Mel took him to see Ethan play. If he hadn't received Brian's "gift" that night, he might not have gone back to see Ethan again.

"Yeah, well I rather you remember this gift. You didn't like the other gift I got you." He wanted Justin to understand he heard him last night. He wanted to give Justin what he "needed".

Justin's eyes got shinny. He reached over and kissed Brian. "Thank you. I love it," he said with all honesty.

Brian tensed; this next gift wasn't going to be easy. He reached back into the bag and pulled out a set of keys and laid them on the table.

Justin shook his head vigorously. "No, Brian, I can't. I won't let you do this," he said, somewhat offended. He got up from the couch. "How could you? Why do you always think you have to buy me things?" He hated feeling like a "kept" man.

Brian knew Justin would react this way.

"Justin, will you calm down and listen to me?" Justin heard the weariness in his voice. He sat back down in a huff.

"What do you need?"

Justin looked at him irritated. "I told you what I needed last night."

"True. Now what do I need?"

Justin stared at him, remembering what Brian told him.

"Jesus, Brian, you don't have to buy me things to feel worthy of my love. You need to get over that."

Brian sat back in his chair and made a face. "Really? Ok. Then you need to get over me tricking in front of you," he threw back.

Justin looked shocked, and hurt. "How can you say that? It's not the same thing!"

"It is to ME!" Brian was frustrated.

Justin threw up his hands. "You don't understand."

"Justin, you need a car. If it's any consolation, it's a piece of shit second hand Audi."

Justin glared at him. "I can get by without a car, Brian. I've been doing it for months now." He said, and then regretted it the minute the words left his mouth. Shit! Remind him of Ethan, why don't you.

Brian picked the keys up and threw them at Justin. "You will fucking take the car!" He yelled. "And stop being so fucking selfish!"

"Selfish?" Justin asked incredulously.

"Yes, selfish! Does it occur to you that I have a lot on my plate right now? I don't need to be worrying about whether you miss the bus, or get stranded somewhere, or catch fucking pneumonia waiting for a ride out in the cold rain. What if I was at work and needed something from the loft? It would be nice to be able to call and ask you to bring it to me. I swear to God, Justin, you are being a selfish prick about this." Brian ranted.

Justin picked up the keys. "If I accept this, will it make you happy?" He asked, putting aside his own feelings. It was obvious, this was important to Brian.

Brian grabbed him by the arm and pulled him towards him. "It would make me happy if you wouldn't fight me all the time. For someone who claims to be 'so on to me' you're pretty clueless about some things."

"Brian, I hate feeling like this," Justin whispered.

"Like what? Like someone whose partner enjoys taking care of him? Justin, don't you know by now that all I do for you, is really for me? It makes me happy to be able to buy you the things you need. I know money means nothing to you, I accept that. Can't you accept that success, and the money that comes with it is important to me? I swore a long time ago that I would never have to work the streets again so that the people I loved wouldn't suffer. I NEVER want to see you go with out Justin. It would kill me. Don't you understand that?" Brian pleaded with Justin. He needed him to accept this part of him.

Justin swallowed hard. His heart ached for Brian. He always knew how important being successful was to Brian, but he didn't understand where that desire stemmed from. He reacted with out thinking. He just learned a week ago that Brian was forced to prostitute himself at thirteen. And then at fifteen, he was living on the streets in New York, strung out and tricking. It was amazing he accomplished so much with a start like that. Justin did feel like a selfish prick. Brian never lied to him. Justin just couldn't grasp it before. It WAS important to Brian to be able to take care of Justin. It was Justin's own pride that hurt Brian.

Justin threw his arms around Brian and kissed him. "I'm sorry, Bri. You're right. I do need a car."

Brian moaned into his mouth and deepened the kiss. He reluctantly pulled away after a few minutes.

"Wait" he said, panting., his desire mounting. "I've got one more thing for you."

Justin reached up to pull him down for another kiss. "It can wait." He said and started kissing him again.

Brian gave in and kissed him back fervently. Justin reached for his pants and started to unbuckle his belt.

"Mmmm…." Brian moaned and pulled his mouth away from Justin's. He put his hands over Justin's, stopping him from pulling his pants off.

"We have to do this now, Justin. The papers have to be signed by tomorrow."

Justin furrowed his brow. "What papers?"

Brian took his hands and led him to couch. He pulled them both down onto it.

"Justin, I want you to promise me something, ok?"

Justin heard the word "promise" and knew Brian was serious. "What?" he asked cautiously.

"I want you to give me the proceeds from the sale of your first painting."

Justin looked surprised. "Um, ok. First painting I sell, you get the proceeds. May I ask why you want it?"

"Because it will be payment for your half of the loft. Our lease is up for renewal, I had your name added on to it."

Justin sucked his breath in. "Brian, you didn't! You should have talked to me about this first!" he said still in shock.

"Why? It's our home, isn't it? You said something last night that hit home with me. We really have no choice when it comes to us. We will always be together, in some form or another. But Justin, you know us. I'm sure at some point, it will get rocky again. I can't promise I won't fuck up. I'm going to be under a lot of pressure with Rena here. I have no idea what we are facing with her." He paused, and sighed deeply.

"I don't ever want you to feel like you have to leave your own home if things get rough. This is your home. If we ever need time away, one of us can go stay with Rena for a while, she's got six fucking bedrooms in that mansion of hers."

Justin stared at him, shock evident in his eyes.

"Just sign the papers, then I promise to fuck you into the mattress, ok?" Brian leaned in and gave Justin a hard quick kiss.

Justin mentally shook himself. This was a big step for them. He knew how much Brian loved the loft. Justin never truly felt like it was his home. He doubted having his name on a piece of paper would change that. But it was a start. Brian was meeting him halfway. He couldn't throw that back in his face.

"I'll sign the papers, Brian. Only if you promise me NOT to give me anything else unless you consult me first, ok?"

Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and looked at Justin. He wasn't sure he could make that promise. "How about this, I'll ask you first, but that doesn't mean I won't buy it anyway if you say no."

Justin laughed. "You are fucking impossible!"

"What I am, is impossibly hard right now." Brian got up and led Justin into the bedroom and did exactly what he promised to do. He fucked Justin into the mattress.