Chapter 39:  Would I Be Able To Move On When You’re Gone?

“Shit,” Brian awakened to a hangover and the annoying-ass ringing of his cell.  Justin stayed nearly passed out lightly snoring beside him though.  Brian looked over at his still body and just wished he was a heavy sleeper like Justin.  An ant could have crawled across the rug and would have possibly awakened Brian.

“Hello,” Brian then painstakingly moaned into his cell, yawned and then said in the most groggiest of pitches, “Theodore… what?  Why are you calling me while I’m still…?  Yeah, okay, you right the honeymoon’s over.  Thanks for the wake up call.  Chances are pretty much I would have overslept had you not called.  See you in the office in a flash.  In fact, how well did you manage to hold the fort down in my absence?  I still have a company… don’t I?  Yeah… really?  I’ll check for myself when I get there this morning.  And, if profits at Kinnetic Enterprises have slip even one dime, you’re joining the ranks of the millions of unfortunate unemployed… see you in a flash.  Later,” Brian then dropped the call and forced himself out of bed.

He went inside the bathroom, splashed water on his face, took a quick piss and then returned the bedroom to awaken Justin.

He shook him.

“Unh-uh.  Leave me alone,” Justin protested by swapping Brian’s hand away like he was trying to guard off an annoying insect or something.  “Stop,” Justin swung hitting his own shoulder in the exact spot where Brian had tapped him on it.

“Justin.  It’s me your husband, intentionally trying to awaken you… not an annoying ass fly buzzing about you.  There aren't any flies at Britin.  Get up, Justin.  It’s the next day already and we got to get back to the Pitts on the double.  I have several meetings this morning; I do believe I’ve told you that already.  Now, get up.  The honeymoon’s over.”

“Cancel the business meetings and extend the honeymoon,” Justin commanded in a dream-like state as he refused to get up.  He didn’t even as much open his eyes.

“Those business meetings are what paid for this honeymoon you and I have been on.  So, open your eyes and get up, Justin?”

“I can’t.  My eyelids are too heavy.  I’m not strong enough to lift them right now.  And you shouldn’t complaint; you were the one who made me like this, Brian, you know.  You shouldn’t have let me drink so much alcohol and let me take all those drugs, nor should you have fucked me all night.”

“Hey, it was you who suggested we go to Babylon and make an entire night out of it.  I would have equally preferred to just stay home and fuck inside our own bed last night.  So, don’t blame me if you’re too hung over and don’t want to get up.  But you’ve better.  The honeymoons over and we both have a job to go to this morning.  And, fuck if you aren’t in a serious need of a haircut, Justin.  Fucking you last night was like doing Lady Godiva.  No wonder I kept socking it to you pony-style.”

“Oh, really, Brian.  If I recall correctly it was Lady Godiva who rode the horse bare back.  Therefore I was supposed to have been the one on top of you instead of the other way around.”

“Oh, really, Justin… how do you figure?  If I recall correctly, Lady Godiva had her legs and cheeks spread wide apart and the horse was between them.  I was definitely between your cheeks last night.”

“Lady Godiva was an idiot, Brian; and YOU have a job to go to this morning… I don’t.  I’m on a year’s leave of absence… remember?  So, why don’t you go to work and come back here and collect me later?”

“Justin!  I’m not asking you but one more time.  Now get up.”

“Awww, okay.”  Justin moaned as he pushed the cover off of himself and then forced himself out of bed and followed Brian into the bathroom.

After they finished in the shower and got dressed they made their way down to the kitchen and breakfast was already prepared for them by Troy. 

“What’s that stuff in that pitcher?”  Justin asked of the funny looking dark grayish stuff that even looked like it might taste like urban sewage.

“I guessed Troy figured we would go bonkers on our last night, and he was clever and courteous enough to cooked up a hangover remedy.”

Justin walked over and lifted the lid on the blender, and just a quick unexpected whiff of the stuff nearly knocked him back to full sobriety.  “Shit!  He must be fucking kidding us!  I’m certainly not going to attempt drinking anything that smell like a homeless person’s decaying feet.”

“I’ll get us some glasses, Justin.  And, like me, you just going to have to man up to the task of drinking this pig’s slop.  Unless you want a headache and seeing the room spinning around all day.”

Brian got the glasses and poured equally amounts into each and forced Justin’s into his hand.  “Cheers… and bottoms up, and here’s to one year of blissful, holy, matrimony, Mr. Justin Taylor-Kinney,” he tilted his glass to his husband.   “Now after a toast like that how could you and I not drink this shit!”

Right after forcing the ‘shit’ down their throats, Brian and Justin ate the breakfast.  And, right after that Brian announced they should be getting on the road.

“So early, Brian?”

“I told you already, Justin, that I have meetings as early as 8:30 this morning.  We have to leave Britin even earlier than that.  So, come on let’s get out of here.  I didn’t bring any business attire on this trip.  So, I have to stop at the apartment and get dressed before I head back into the office.  And, I suggest you get yourself inside a barber’s shop first thing this morning.”

Brian already had his keys in his hand and ascending from his chair.

“But what about all our personal stuff?  We aren’t just going to leave all those things here at Britin?  You did say this place is a rental?”

“Don’t worry about it.  Leave everything… the same people who arranged to have it delivered here, will take care of it for us later on today.  I gave them strict and adequate instructions on what to do with everything.”

“And, the horses in the stable?”

“Troy will take care of all that, Justin.  We don’t have to lift a finger and you shouldn’t worry about a thing.  Everything is being properly handled and cared for.  So, let’s get going.”

“Wait a minute.   There are some things I’d like to take home with me.”  Justin wanted the love-blanket in particularly.  Everything else could be returned back to storage.  Justin figured if that’s indeed where Brian intended for everything to go.  However, Justin also concluded though, if Brian owns the place, then the chances were petty much that all the memorabilia from their first marriage was there to stay.

“Well, fine… then take what you like but be very quick about it.  I’ll meet you in the garage in five.”

“Okay… got you.”

“I mean it, Justin.  If you aren’t back down in five minutes, I’m coming after you.”

“See you in five,” Justin promised and then dashed up the staircase and headed for the bedroom.

Justin then snatched the love-blanket off the bed, ran into the walk-in closet with it, located a duffel bag, and put the blanket inside; and he started to dash out of the room but then he spied Brian’s guitar leaned up against a wall, and he grabbed that too.  He then hurried back down the stairs to kitchen and from there he walked into the garage and found Brian (with his back to him) just ending a call on his cell. 

“Bye, sweetheart,” Justin heard his husband say to the caller. 

And, then he observed him laughing hearty and then say, “Love you too, bye.” 

Brian disconnected and got inside the driver’s seat and wait for Justin to get in beside him.  And, like a snail inching alone, Justin walked slowly to the car hanging his head in despair, opened the door and got in the passenger’s seat, dumped the bag and guitar in the back seat; and tried not pout in front of his husband but Brian could sense something wasn’t on the up-and-up.

“Justin?”  Brian addressed his husband concernedly when he noticed how gloomy he appeared all of a sudden.  “Is everything okay?”

“What?”  Justin groaned.

“I asked if you were okay?”  Brian lips partly gaped then and he his countenance reflected his concern.

“Its just breakfast repeating on me or something.  Or all that partying I did last night.  You’re aware that I’m allergic to most drugs.  Better yet, I think that gray, awful tasting fruit-punch,” he sarcastically stated, “That Troy whipped up for us has my stomach rather queasy.”

“Okay.  Are you good enough for me to ride out of here with you now?”

“I’m good.”

Brian then turned on the car and put it in drive, and used that electronic gadget to get the garage door up and started driving them out of there.  

“Brian,” Justin moaned as they were already in traffic.

“Yeah?”  Brian answered as he looked his husband’s way for just an instant before returning his eyes back to the road.  “Huh… what?”

“Umm… huh… nothing,” Justin was going to ask Brian about the person on the phone but he chickened out.

“It’s got to be something, Justin.  What did you want to ask me?”

Justin had to think fast just then.  “I see you still have the keys to Britin on your key ring.  If you give me the realtor’s name and address I can return them while you’re at work – save you the trouble of having to do it yourself later.”

“That’s won’t be necessary, Justin.  In fact, it would be a lot less inconvenient if I did it myself than if you did it.  The realty company is inside the Kinnetic Building, so it wouldn’t take me out of my way or trouble me one bit to return them myself.”

“Oh,” Justin couldn’t battle with that explanation.

“Brian, is it settled?”

“Is what settled, Justin?”

“Will we be returning to Britin every anniversary – every three months?”

“If that’s what you really prefer… then yes; and it’s an easy commute?”

“That’s what I prefer, Brian.  There’s so much I prefer, Brian, though?” 

“Then I’m sure you will get all that too.”

Justin’s biggest preference is that his husband would stop telling another man that he loves him.  He wondered what would his husband say if he expressed that preference to him right then and there, but still again he cowered away from confronting Brian.  Especially, when he recalls (the night before) how Brian got on the offensive when he asked him what he was afraid of.  And, still he doesn’t know where Brian was the bulk of that day.   He told him he went to Babylon but it was closed then.  So, if he didn’t hang out at the barber’s and Babylon all that time, where did he hang out, and with whom and what did they do? 

That caused Justin to think of something else, he recalled Brian promised to see the other man immediately after returning from the honeymoon.  Did Brian see and take advantage of that opportunity to see Harold (his first lover) even earlier than that. It panged him to think his husband might have been in bed with another man even before they honeymoon ended.

“How do you figure, Brian, that I’ll get all my preferences met?”

“It’s like I explained to you, once before, Justin.  You have a knack for getting exactly what it is that you want.”

“I certainly hope that’s true, Brian.  I certainly hope so.  Because, I don’t know for sure how I fair in competitive situations though.’

“What!  You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Justin!  You beat my ass three days in a row at tennis!  Not to mention you beat out an entire lot of seventeen and eighteen-year-olds for the valedictorian honor at your high school.  And, everybody whoever graduated from PIFA competed with you and lost out to you for that teaching job.  And, you say you’re not competitive.  You an all-around winning champion, Justin, in my eyes.”

“Really, Brian?” 

Justin wondered would he ever win Brian’s heart back again, and he especially wanted to know the answer to that question if he has to compete with one of Brian’s ex-boyfriends for it. 

However, Justin had to feel if Brian’s so fond of his first boyfriend Harry and is saying those precious three words to him with such ease, he already lost the battle and the war.  He knows Brian doesn’t float those three powerful words around lightly.  So, if he’s saying them to his ex-boyfriend, he has to mean it. 

‘Fuck,’ he thought resiliently to himself as his worst nightmare dawned on him just then, ‘Brian is in love with someone else.’

Just coming to that conclusion and thinking so intensely on it like that caused unsolicited tears to stream down his face.

“Justin!’  Brian just happened to look his way that instant; and he pulled the car to the shoulder of the road and brought it to an abrupt complete stop and killed the engine. 

“Hey!”  Brian scooped over close to his husband and placed his hand underneath his chin.  “What’s wrong?  What’s making you cry?  It’s not about that conversation we had about the agreement and ass-kissing… is it?  I didn’t mean any of that shit!  It was just the damn drugs talking.  I don’t even recall all of what I had said to you.  What’s making you cry, Justin?” Brian echoed.  “Talk to me?  And, please don’t try answering me with the phrase ‘nothing’?  It’s must be ‘something’ or you wouldn’t be crying like this.  So, what is it?”  Brian softly murmured.

“It really is nothing, Brian. 

“Justin?”  Brian didn’t believe him and wished he’d just level with him.  It’s seemed every tear Justin shredded caused Brian’s a pint of blood, increased his temperature and sped up his heart rate.  “Really, Justin?  You told me that you would never lie to me about anything ever again?  So level with me, or you will be lying to me right now?”

“If I told you why I’m crying it would actually embarrass me, Brian.”

“Well, embarrass yourself.  Why are you crying?”

“Because I was wondering…”

“Wondering what?”

“Is there anyone that you love more than you love me?”

“What?”  Brian moaned.  In his wildest dreams he would have never thought that would be the question.  He always thought if Justin didn’t know anything else about him, he would know for sure that he haven’t and might never love another… not ever!  It amazed him that Justin would ask him such a question… and why at that particular moment? 

And, now that Justin asked that question, Brian wished that he would have accepted his first response and left it at ‘nothing’… ‘nothing’ was sounding pretty good just then. 

In search for an honest answer to Justin’s question though, Brian was forced to think about all the people he actually love.   However, that was such a loaded question that he rather not answer, but how could he back out of it after pressuring Justin to ask it.  So, Brian tried to do what he usually does when he’s back into a corner… talk around his answer.

“Brian, you don’t have to answer that question.  I should have never asked it and in fact I prefer you not answer it.”  Which was the truth.  Justin knew if Brian were to confess that he’s in love with someone else, he wouldn’t be able to bear it.  And, beside he felt he knew the answers already because Brian would never tell someone he loves them if he don’t.

Brian got very quiet that moment and let out a loud sigh of relief, which was so deep, it almost sound like an agonizing groan; but he was still relieved that Justin let him off the hook.  But he couldn’t let it end that way.  Something about not saying anything seemed mean… too mean.  Brian then said.  “Justin.”

“Yeah?”

“I kind of hate to see our honeymoon come to an end.  And, always keep in mind, that you’re the only man I ever married or ever wanted to marry even to this date.  And, I wouldn’t lie to you about that.”

“Really, Brian?  You never wanted to marry anyone else… even to this very date?”

“That’s what I said… didn’t I.  Now let’s get back on the road, Justin.  I don’t want to be late for my meetings.”

Brian then put the car back in motion and resumed driving the rest of the way to the Pitts.

“Me too, Brian.”

“You too?”

“There’s never been anyone else that I wanted to marry either, Brian.  Only thing is though: I fear I will always feel that way about you.  Even after our year is up and we go our separate ways; and if that’s the case how would I be able to marry someone else and move on with my life?”

“In time, you will, Justin.  I think that part is automatic.”  Brian said; but he’s not sure if he could say the same for himself.  He recalls that he didn’t seem to be able to move on (at least not in any positive manner) after Justin and his first divorce.   

“Justin.”

“Yeah?”

“Accordingly to our agreement, we are supposed to be be in a happy union.  So, what happened to:  You can drive me wild and can make me smile?”

“You’re right, Brian.  That was the agreement.  And, I guess if I don’t lose sight of that, I can keep on smiling… provided we both hold true to our end of the bargain.  I plan to keep my promises… do you plan to do the same?  I mean, if you haven’t broken your end of the agreement already… have you?”

“In what capacity, Justin?  There’s only one really crucial way that I could break the agreement… and that is if I was to break it by fucking other people.  I certainly haven’t done that yet; and I’m sure I won’t as long as you and I are married.”

Justin believed he always trusted Brian a lot more than he seems to trust him; and the way in which Brian said that, Justin knew he was telling the truth about it.  “Brian,” he then said with a sincere smile.  “You certainly CAN make me smile.” 

'Maybe you are in love with someone else now, Brian,' Justin quietly thought, 'However, you don't want to marry him nor will you fuck him while still married to me.  It's not the ideal situation but there's some solace in there.  And, who knows what happens in a years time.  Maybe I can still win your heart back.  The important thing is to stay in the game.'

And, Justin saw Brian smile then and the expression of the brunet’s face looked really calm and pleasing just then; as a result, Justin realized he could certainly make Brian smile too.