Chapter 154:  Allow Me To Give You All That You Need?

            “And that completes the tour,” Clay said to Justin after the doctor finished showing the artist one of the houses that he owns and was residing in during his temporary stay in Paris.

“And, a well worth tour it was.  Such a magnificent place you have here, Clay, and I really like it.  It’s breathtakingly beautiful.  You really have great taste, and I particularly like how you blended in my paintings to fit the overall decor.  How did you know where best to display each one?  Did you learn that in art class as well?  And fuck, how much of my work do you actually own!”

“Umm, only just enough, Justin, to possibly start a gallery of my own,” Clay humored, and they both laughed.

“Dinner still won’t be ready for a few more minutes yet.  So, how about a cocktail while we wait?”  Clay offered.  “May I pour for you what I usually notice you drinking?”

“Please do.”

Clay then made the drinks for Justin and himself and they sat on a couch and started conversing.

“What should we drink to?”  Justin asked.

“Let’s drink to J.C.’s speedy recovery and a healthy and happy long life to come,” Clay suggested.

“To J.C.’s long healthy life and overall safe well-being, it is,” Justin seconded that, and then the men tapped their glasses together and took their first sip.   “Clay.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m scheduled to tour Germany next week, and Lindsay and Gus are accompanying me there.  However, although Pearl will be with J.C., I’m kind of skeptical about leaving him behind here in Paris.”

“Take J.C. and Pearl to Germany with you,” Clay straightforwardly stated.

“Huh?  I can travel with him that soon?”

“Justin, you’ll be amazed how much better he’ll be in just a another week’s time.”

“Oh?  Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Hey, if you are that worried about it, why not invite me along too?  That way you will have your own personal doctor in the house.”

“Oh?   You’d really come with us?”

“Sure.  My pleasure.  Now let’s head to the dining room and get that dinner.”

“That was an excellent meal,” Justin sincerely praised Clay, after they had done eating and were now inside the kitchen tackling the cleanup up.  “I can barely believe you cooked everything yourself.  Is there no end to your many talents, doc?”

“I don’t know for sure if there is, Justin,” Clay teased, “And I’ve been told I’m a pretty good dancer as well.”

“Oh?”  Justin noted, and then started bragging on himself, “Well, actually I have a reputation of being able to wear a really deep hole into the carpet myself.”

“Really, huh?”  Clay playfully nodded his head up and down.  “Well, let’s exit this kitchen and go inside the living room and put on a record and we’ll show each other what the other can do on the dance floor.”

“Lead the way, doc.  In fact, I’ll race you there,” Justin ran ahead of him and Clay good-naturedly chased behind him.

“See that.  I’m the bigger talent when it comes to finishing first in a race, doc.”

“Oh really?  You had a pretty good head start, Justinnn!”  Clay laughed heartily, as he went over to his entertainment area, and started scrabbling through some recordings.  “What kind of music would you like to dance to?”

“Oh, I don’t know?  What do have?”

“Everything!”

“Yeah, I see that,” Justin thought he never seen such a variety of music assembled in one place before, outside of a record shop (that was).

“I tell you what, Justin…”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s make selecting really interesting.”

“Oh?  How?”

“Close your eyes and then blindly choose by placing your index finger on a selection.  How does that sound?”

“Like lots of fun.”

“Good.  I was hoping you’d feel that way.”

“Okay,” Justin jovially announced while smiling really big, then he closed his eyes, “Here goes.”  He placed his finger on a selection and then anxiously popped his eyes open to see what he chose.  “Oh fuck,” Justin chortled, “Timberlake’s Bringing Sexy Back!!!  You’ve got to be kidding me!  I love that song.  Also, that’s one I can really burn a hole into the carpet stomping to.”

“Swell, because that makes us so utterly compatible then, because that’s one of my favorites too, and I can do the same.”

“Okay, doc.  Let’s us both put our feet where our mouth is and let’s see what the other has got.”

Justin and Clay then started dancing to the music and really impressed each other.

“You really are a good dancer,” they were all giggles and smiles as they simultaneously complimented each other.

“Can I pick another one,” Justin said after they had done dancing to that one.

“Sure.  Help yourself.  We can get as much of a cardiovascular workout as you like.”

“Well actually,” Justin said as he was searching through a few titles, “I was thinking in terms of something mellow and more intimate to dance to this time.”

“Okay, fine.”

“Oh, you have this,” Justin said when he find a slow tune he really liked.  “I’m crazy about this song,” he announced.

“What’s that?”

“Ed Sheeran’s The A-Team.”

“What?  You’re fooling with me, right?”  Clay asked, absolutely stunned that Justin would pick that one to dance to.

“No, I’m serious.  Why would you think I’m fooling with you?  It really is a great song… and it’s slow and mellow.”

“Sure it’s a great song, Justin, but its subject matter is about the heart retching life of a drug-addicted prostitute, and I think she might be homeless too.  Can it get any more tragic than that?”

“Doesn’t matter what the subject is.  It is all about the way Sheeran sings it.  He does it so romantically.  … And she don’t want to go outside tonight,” Justin crooned, and he stopped right there because of the strange expression that came over Clay’s countenance just then.  “Why are you looking at me like that?”  Justin asked.

“Two reasons,” Clay said, “Your singing voice… it’s amazing.  Also, that’s my favorite part of the song too.”

“And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland,” Clay started singing the song where Justin left off, “Or sells love to another man… It’s too cold outside...”

“My god!”  Justin might have been even more taken by Clay’s singing than the doctor had been with his.  “If you weren’t a surgeon I know now what profession you might have pursued.”

“Really?  You exaggerate.  I don’t sound that good, Justin.”

“I kid you not.  You really sounded just that good.  You sing it even better than Sheeran.  We don’t even need to put the song on.  You can sing it best.”

“Well, in that case,” Clay suggested as he put one hand at Justin’s waistline and held his other hand in his, “Let’s NOT put the C.D. in the player.  Instead, let’s make our own music by singing the song together while we dance.”

“Okay,” Justin moved in closer to Clay, and blushed.  “Should we take it from the top?”  Justin asked, “Do you know all the verses?”

“Yeah, I do,” Clay replied.

“Me too.”

And they danced beautifully to their own rhythm and music, as they sang the song together: 

            “White lips, pale face, breathing in snowflakes, burnt lungs, sour taste, light’s gone, day’s end, struggling to pay rent, long nights, strange men…”

They then abruptly stopped singing at that juncture, and were quiet for a spell, as they stare long and deeply into each other orbs, and then they passionately kissed.

“Oh my god, Clay!” Justin panted, the moment the doctor withdrew his cock from the artist’s warm and sensuous hole, and slid off top of him.  Clay then lay on his side while Justin remained lying face up in the center of the bed, glaring at the ceiling, while smiling really big.  No doubt the artist and doctor made each other utterly happy just then. 

“That was really terrific,” Justin said as he fought to get his breathing back to normal.  “So hot and juicy wet.  Loved your cock inside me, and how you fucked me just then.  You’re the greatest lover, Clay.  It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel this great in bed.  Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, and no one’s made me feel this good in a long time either,” Clay confessed, as he removed the condom for his penis and disposed of it into a nearby wastebasket.  However, his smiled departed from him when he saw the expression on Justin’s face suddenly alter.  The artist then looked highly agitated.

“Hey, Justin,” Clay demanded his full attention.

“Yeah?”

“Being with you like this was out of this world actually; and while we were doing it, you seemed absolutely ecstatic; so why do you looked so glummy and worried now?”

“Umm… I…”

“Shhh,” Clay hushed Justin hindering him from answering right away.   He then coaxed him to stop staring at the ceiling but instead to lie on his side and face him.  Next, the doctor cuddled really close to the artist.  They tightly embraced, and their lips met and they shared one very long and passionate kiss.

“Arghhhh,” Justin agonized, as their lip’s parted and he pulled out of the cozy embrace.  The surgeon could tell the artist was still stressing over something. 

Justin then announced, “I better get up and put my clothes back on and head on out of here, and back home to my place.”   He then swung his feet out of the bed and onto the floor but his buttocks were still planted firmly on the bed and Clay latched onto Justin’s left bicep to keep him still sitting.

“Hey Justin?”  Clay nervously smirked.  “What’s the rush; aren’t you going to spend the entire night with me?  There’s no denying we both just had a really great time… we made each other so happy just then.  So, why are you rushing out of my bed?”

“Clay.  I mustn’t stay the night.”

“Why not?  J.C. will be okay.  You said his nanny Pearl is with him every second now, and she knows (in a case of emergency) how to get in touch with me, and or his therapist.  However, I don’t anticipate that there will be any emergency.  He’s healing quite nicely, and it doesn’t seem that he was half as badly impacted psychologically as we all first feared he would be.  That’s a really terrific lad you have on your hands there.”

“Clay, this has nothing to do with my son.  I just believe that this was one really big mistake in itself.  Knowing how you feel about casual sex, I should have never hopped into bed with you.  I really didn’t mean for this to happen, I just lost myself in the ambiance of the moment.  I think we both did.  I’m so sorry.”

“Casual sex, Justin?  Really?  Stop fooling yourself.  We just made love… and hardly did we engage in a meaningless fuck!  You know there was nothing casual about what you and I just did here… not even the dancing, singing, kissing, embracing, or the other foreplay.  You allowed me to penetrate you – there definitely was nothing casual about that; and Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?”

“Notice what?”

“Noticed how tight you were.  So, I know that you don’t let men penetrate you often?  In fact, you were almost virgin-tight just then.”

“So what?  That’s no big deal.”

“Oh no?  Well, I think it might be a really big deal, Justin.  In fact, I’m willing to bet it’s been months since you let someone inside you… maybe even longer than that.  So why let me inside you tonight… especially if it was just a casual thing?  Also, I heard what you said about my cock; as well as saw how you delighted in having me moving inside you.  So, since you love a penis inside you that much, why is being on the receiving end such a rare occasion with you?  That doesn’t make sense.”

Justin sighed heavily then.  “Clay, what is it that you expect from me?  I can’t give you anything more than a good time… that is a one-time FUCK!  That’s all I got to give anyone these days.  So, you and I didn’t make love just then.  Instead all that it was, was just incredibly good sex, Clay – nothing more than that.  It was a one-night stand."

“Is a one-nighter all that you CAN give to another person, Justin, OR is that all that you’re WILLING to give? And, why do you feel that way, especially when there’s absolutely no truth to what you just said?  I’m experienced enough to know the difference between just plain old fucking and making love, Justin.  I’ve done both before.  So, talk to me… what’s really going on inside the artist Justin Taylor’s head?”

“I just got to go, Clay.” 

Justin thought then Clay would release him but he didn’t and it surprised Justin that he didn’t just jerk out of his grip but instead he remained seated on the bed and listened to the doctor.

“Stay and talk with me?  I want to understand, because I see how so loving you are with your sons J.C. and Gus.  You give a helluva lot, and therefore you are due something back.   You deserve a lover in your life, Justin, who absolutely adores you… like I do.”

“Maybe I don’t want that though.”

“Why wouldn’t you… most people do want that?   Unfortunately though, few are lucky enough to even find it, and you tell me it’s looking you right smack in the face and all you can do is reject it?  That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, Justin.  Why, Justin, why?  Talk to me about it?  Regardless of what you say, I know you want it and you’re capable of accepting love, because you had long-term intimate relationships with Ethan, and your ex-husband Brian?  Is that it?  Does this have anything to do with Ethan or your ex-husband?”

“I better go.”

“Don’t go!  Please… stay here with me and let’s talk about this?  Let’s talk about your estranged husband.”

“Brian?  You want me to talk to you about Brian?”  Justin stated and appeared highly annoyed with Clay.

“Yes.  There is a lot about that relationship I’m terribly curious about.”

“That’s really none of your business though, Clay.”

“But I’d like to make it my business.  I’d like to make that and everything else about you my business, Justin Taylor, as well as make everything about me your business.  So please talk to me about this?  For starters, how did the divorce come about?”

“You mean that you want to know, like anyone else wants to know… who left whom?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“And most likely you think it was me who left Brian?”  Justin frustratingly shook his head.

“You want to know something… I might have thought that before I met you, but since I’ve gotten to know you, and observed you with your son J.C., I’m not sure what to think anymore.  I just can’t imagine you would be this good with a special needs child, but would abandon your spouse (the love of your life) the moment he became quadriplegic.”

Justin’s facial expression grew even more intense, and that instantly he developed a whole new respect for the doctor (on top of the high regards he already had for him), because no one who wasn’t close enough to him to already know the complete story, had said anything remotely similar to what Clay said just then.

“You called it just right, Clay.  It wasn’t me who left, Brian… but he was the one who left me, because he didn’t believe I could handle being married to a quadriplegic (so he claimed).  Brian took off so fast, he didn’t even give me a chance.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t you who destroyed your marriage, Justin; but how was a quadriplegic even able to do that?”

Justin sardonically chuckled.  “He engaged someone else’s help.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Not much to tell really.  Brian was in a hospital and without my knowledge he had a cousin of his move him to another facility.  I didn’t know where he had taken my husband.  Next my husband’s cousin called me, but wouldn’t tell me where Brian was, but instead he was informing me that my husband was going to annul our marriage.”

“An annulment… instead of a divorce?  I don’t understand.  Usually, a marriage can only be annulled when two people can lawfully claim that they were never really married in the first place… and why would your husband’s cousin even agree to help him?  That doesn’t make sense to me either.  Why didn’t his cousin consider your feelings and simply refuse to do what Brian asked?”

Unsolicited tears then robotically ran down Justin’s countenance, and Clay put his fingertips to Justin’s face and wiped them away.

“Justin,” Clay accentuated, “My god!  What did Brian do to you!”

“Calm down, Clay,” Justin sniffled, “It’s not like Brian physically beat me or anything like that.”

“You’re crying just sitting here talking about it.  So, there’s other ways to abuse a person, Justin… some ways that are even worse than physical abuse.  Usually you can knock a violent bully down on his ass and he’d leave you alone, but it’s not always as simple as that when it comes to other types of abuse.  So, tell me all that happened?”

“When it first happened I didn’t know who the man was that had taken my husband away.  Brian and his cousin led me to believe he was Brian’s lover instead of a relative.   So, for quite a while I believed my husband was in love with another man and left me to be with him.  Months had passed before I finally found out the truth.”

“My god!  I would have never imagined it was as cruel as that.  That was so mean.  The degree of HURT you felt (believing your husband had ran off with a lover) had to be overwhelming.  But I think I totally get it now.”

“Get what?’

“What all the promiscuity is all about.”

“I don’t think you do get it, Clay.  If you think I only have casual sex because I’ve become incapable of close intimate relationships with other people, you are SO wrong.  That’s not the case at all.”

Clay became utterly quiet then and took a moment to study Justin’s countenance and body language and stared at him intensely for a long while.

“Why are you looking at me like that, Clay?”

“I’m trying to completely figure you out, Justin, because what you just said to me I can see it means one of two things… and that is either what you said is totally true, or wholly false but you really do believe it to be true.”

“What difference does it make?”

“A lot to me.”  Clay then studied Justin’s expression a little longer.  “Oh my GOD!”  He said after he completely read him.

“What?”

“You’re right… you are not afraid of an intimate relationship at all.  In fact, all this newly acquired promiscuity of yours has nothing to do with fear of commitment.  I guessed it… didn’t I?”

“What?  What is it you think you figured out, Clay?”

“You’re not promiscuous because you don’t want to be in a relationship… but you do what you do because you want to maintain the current one you have, or once had with your ex-husband.  That’s it, isn’t it, Justin?  You plan to return home to Brian one day… don’t you?  But you know he won’t be able to have sex with you, so you realize in order to be with him you’d have to grow accustomed to getting your physical needs met elsewhere.”

“And so?”

“And so?  Are you kidding me, Justin?  What kind of life is that for you… married to a quadriplegic, while having to bounce from one man’s bed to the other?”

“It’s a realistic one under the circumstances, Clay.  I can’t help that I’m still in love with Brian, and he’s become a QUADRIPLEGIC.  Fuck!  I can get SEX from anywhere… but I can only get LOVE from one place!  And, beside, where else would Brian find true love in his state?  And, regardless of what he did to me, he needs and deserves to be loved just like everyone else.”

“Justin, you must be the most forgiving person on this earth.  I mean after what Ethan and Chris told me about what Michael did to Brian and you, I can’t believe you’ve forgiven him.  However, what you just described just then is not LOVE… instead its extreme SACRIFICE!”

“Oh really, Clay?  You’re really one to talk!”

“What is that suppose to mean?”

“You can’t figure out what I meant?  Here you are still wearing that wedding band, and dreaming about Uri almost every night, even after he’s been dead for over three years.  Seems you are worse off than me… at least the man whom I was married to, and still in love with, is yet ALIVE!”

“Does Brian know?”  Clay asked.

“Know what?”

“About your intentions to return to him?”

“No.  I never told him.  I mean I haven’t told him yet.  I’d have to tell him eventually though.”

“So what makes you so sure he’ll take you back?”

“Like I said… Brian needs love just like everyone else.”

“Sure about that, Justin?   I mean if he felt that way, why did he leave you in the first place; and still if you returned to him it would be extreme sacrifice on your part.  And, have you ever considered that Brian might see it that way… and wouldn’t want you to sacrifice yourself for him, and therefore won’t welcome you back with open arms?”

Justin sat still and sulked then.  Clay made a good argument, and what he had said sounded just like Brian’s kind of thinking.

“Returning to Brian might not be as simple as you think, Justin; and how would you feel if you try to return to him and he reject you once more?  He didn’t want to be with you back then when the accident occurred, so why do you think he’ll want you now?  What do you think might have changed?”

“What do you really know about it, Clay?”  Justin then bowed his head in shame because the more he thought about it, the more right Clay sounded to him; and he wasn’t so sure if his heart could withstand another rejection from Brian.

“You want me to tell you what I know?  I know this much, Justin, so watch this,” Clay said, as he finally let go of Justin’s arm, and the artist lifted his head and watched attentively while the doctor removed the wedding band from his finger and placed it on the nightstand.  “That ring is permanently off my hand now, Justin.  There!  I’ve completely severed ties with Uri.  Can you do a similar thing regarding Brian?”

“Clay.”

“Justin, what Brian and his cousin did to you was profoundly cruel.  How could you even consider returning to a man like that?  He doesn’t deserve you!  And, you are so right.  If Brian did accept you back, you would have to go elsewhere to get your sexual needs met, but is that really the kind of life you’d want to live?  Do you think that’s the kind of life you should expose your boys to?”

“But…”

“No buts, ifs, and ands about it, Justin.  I understand that you are still in love with your exhusband, but you deserve so much better… your sons deserve better than that; and it was Brian who left you… you weren’t the one who left him, and there’s no guarantee that he’ll take you back.  So, won’t you reconsider sharing a life with me?  I think we can be very happy with each other.  I can give you both love and great sex… and so much more.  You deserve it all.  It’s about time you stop punishing yourself.”

“Oh, Clay,” Justin sensuously whimpered, and then the artist lifted his feet up from the floor and swung them back inside the bed, and cuddled up cozily to the doctor.  “Make love to me again,” he then demanded.