Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Chapter 148 added Wed., 3/6/13

 

Chapter 148:  Welcome Back to the Living

 

“Hey, you!  Stop trying to walk away from me, Michael Novotny, goddamn it!” Justin demanded as he strode swiftly alongside the dark haired man on the sidewalk but he was walking much too fast for him.  Both men were walking so quickly neither paid too much attention to the heavy winds and astronomical drop in temperature.

 

“I’m not trying to walk away from you, Justin,” Michael declared but he didn’t slow his pace any.  “If I were trying to get away from you, I would just run; and I so desperately want to just stand still and talk to you but my body is doing it’s own thing and I can’t stop it from walking now.”

 

“Slow down, damn it then.  I really need to talk to youuuu.”

 

“I want to talk to you too, that’s why I showed up near the art gallery today where you were exhibiting your work.  I came there looking to talk with you but when you approached me I hurried away because I just couldn’t face you.”

 

“Slow down, Michael, damn it!”

 

“As much as I want to slow down, Justin, I’m not able to on my own.  You’d have to be the one to slow me down.”

 

Justin then stood to the side of Michael and regardless of how dirty he was and badly smelt, he pressed his front to the dark haired man’s side and wrapped both arms around him.  “Just stop then!”  He ordered and Michael abruptly stopped just like that but his body quaked uncontrollably.

 

“I’m sorry,” Michael burst forward sobbing like a newborn infant but looked straight ahead because he couldn't bring himself to meet Justin's glare, and the artist still had both arms wrapped around him.  “I’m so sorry, Justin.  Can Brian and you ever forgive me for what I did to you?  Can my mother for what I did to her?  Can anyone I ever hurt forgive me?  FUCK!  Can I even forgive myself!”  In addition to what he had done to them, he also thought of the havoc he caused the lesbians, and the all the people who were killed and injured that tragic night that Brian became a quadriplegic and almost died.  “Does Brian’s son Gus know what I did to his father, and does he hate me too?”

 

“My God, Michael,” Justin tightened his embrace around him (regardless that he could barely deal with the filthy dirt and odor of him) and the artist's eyes filled with tears also.  “I’ve never seen anyone so embellished in an umbrella of guilt before and in such deep despair.  Where are you staying?  Maybe we can go to your place and talk?”

 

“I don’t have a place.”

 

“What?  What do you mean you don’t have a place?”

 

“Do I look or even smell like I have a place, Justin!”  Michael looked away from Justin then and became absolutely quiet.

 

“No.  I guess it’s pretty obvious you’ve been living on the street, Michael.  But fuck… why... and here in Paris!” 

 

“If you really want to talk, Justin, there’s a nearby park we can go to.”

 

“Oh,” Justin shook his head, and then he became more aware of the high winds and the dramatic drop in temperature.  “No offense, Michael.  But before I can sit and talk with you I have to clean you up a bit, first, but promise not to run away when I release you?”

 

“I promise.”

 

Justin then released him and Michael stayed still.   “Good,” Justin said, “Now let’s go somewhere and get out of this unusual weather.  Seems like a storm or something is brewing... and we better get you fed and cleaned up.  There’s a motel not far from here.  I spotted it when Ethan drove me over here.  I’ll book us a room and while you get a bath, I’ll buy you something to eat and some clean clothes.”

 

“I’ll go with you somewhere to talk, if you want.  But, you don’t have to waste any of your hard earned money on a motel, food and clothes for me.  I don’t deserve even that much from you, Justin.”

 

“I insist, Michael… if not for your benefit but for mine own.  Michael, you really smell and I can’t stand that scent on you and if you don’t get a meal, I can’t say you’ll last long enough to have a conversation with me.  So, it’s not up for further consideration… I’m taking you to a motel, and clean you up and feed you.  Come on.  Let's get out of this cold air.”

 

 

 

“Michael!”  Justin shouted out to him. 

 

Earlier, the artist had booked the motel room and left Michael there to bathe while he went out to get the broken man clothes and something to eat.   He returned to the room with clothes for Michael and himself, food and some aerosol to spray with.

 

“Michael!”  He called out once more (hoping he hadn’t run off while he was out at the store); and when he still hadn’t answered him, Justin went inside the bathroom and breathed a sigh of relief when he could see through the transparent shower door that Michael was still in there showering.  So he easily deduced he hadn't answer him because he couldn't hear him calling over the running water. 

 

Justin then put the new clothes down on the toilet seat in there, sprayed the place and then used a towel to pick up Michael’s old clothes and walked back out of the bathroom and shut the door behind him.  He then took the soiled clothes outside and dropped them and the towel them into a dumpster.  He then returned back to the motel and sprayed a little bit more, and then changed into clothes he had brought for himself because the other ones he had on smelt of the stench that got on him after he had hugged Michael earlier, and he trashed those clothes as well, and then sat at a table and waited for Michael to be done bathing.

 

"Michael," Justin then uttered out to him when Michael finally materialized from the bathroom.  He was fully dressed in the new clothes.  He sat down at the table where Justin had already spread out a meal for him to eat.  However, Michael was hesitant to touch the food.

 

"I got to use the bathroom for a moment," Justin stood up and announced.  "Promise that you will still be here when I get back?"

 

"Yeah, I'll still be here.  I want to talk to you just as much as you might want to talk to me."

 

"Thanks," Justin said and then he went inside the bathroom... took a piss, washed his hands and then hurried back.

 

“Hi, Justin," Michael humbly greeted him upon his return. 

 

Justin sat back down; and the men were quite still and quiet for a spell; and Justin noticed Michael hadn't eaten any of the food.

 

"I see," Michael ended the bout of silence (but his eyes still haven't been able to meet Justin's), "That the art community has been treating you really good, Justin.  Congratulations on making such an exciting career for yourself."

 

“Yeah, I'm doing okay, but, Michael, please eat the food.  I ate at Ethan and Chris’s place earlier so I’m not hungry; and I paid for this food and don’t want to have to throw it out.”

 

“Thanks, Justin,” Michael said and then attacked the food.

 

After Michael finished eating, the men were quiet again; and Michael kept his head bowed low while twiddling his fingers and looking down at his hands.  He still had the hardest time connecting with Justin's orbs.

 

“I must have read every article written about you,” Michael initiated talk again as he informed the artist.  “It’s the only way I was able to keep abreast of either Brian or you.  Nothing seems to be written about Brian anymore, but the stuff written on you at least casually mentions him.  I figured if Brian had gotten any worse or….” Michael paused.

 

“Or DIED even, Michael, is that the phrase you were looking for?  Well rest assured that he’s pretty much alive.”

 

“How is he though?”

 

“He’s still cripple, if that’s what you asking?  He quadriplegic… and I guess he will always be that way… for the rest of his life now.”

 

“For the rest of his life?”  Michael nearly sobbed.

 

“I guess so, Michael,” Justin frustratingly sighed.

 

“It’s ALL my fault,” Michael declared and once again the men were girdled in an envelop of obscure silence and again Michael was the one to start up conversation again.

 

“I read that he and you were divorced.  Why’s that?”

 

“Brian left me,” Justin said rather tersely.

 

“He was the one who left you?”

 

“Yeah!  He was the ONE who left me… and not the other way around… like most people seem to think until I tell them otherwise.”

 

“But why would Brian be the one to leave you?”

 

“And, I not to be the one to leave him, Michael?  Is that what you're really asking?  Do you really think for an instant, Michael, that I would have left Brian because of his condition, and that I was only with him for his money in the first place?  FUCK!   It’s seems no one really knows me at all!”

 

“I know now, Justin, and I probably always did know that you were never with Brian for the money.   Your love was geniune and faithful, and so was his for you.  Sorry.”

 

“Sorry’s bullshit!”

 

Justin and Michael's countenance shared the same peculiar look just then hearing Justin quote one of Brian's favorite phrases.

 

“Do you really have to ask why Brian left me, huh, Michael?  You are as much aware of his haughty pride as I am.  So it should be no surprise to you that when he learned he was quadriplegic, he decided to run (excuse the pun) away from me.”

 

“He left you simply because he wasn’t perfect anymore, huh?”

 

“That seems to be the consensus.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Justin.  All of this is my fault.  I destroyed so many people’s lives that night.  People died in that accident, so some people are DEAD because of me.  You were right about that.”

 

“Oh Michael,” Justin’s heart really poured out to him just then.  “I never really meant what I said that day… not about that particularly.  I was just grieving so back then, that I wanted to punish you in the worst kind of way.  Have you actually been carrying this heavy burden of guilt all this time?”

 

“Hey!  I actually remembered you wanted to kill me, Justin, and I can’t blame you for that, because shortly after I left the hospital that night I wanted myself dead.”

 

“I don’t want you dead, Michael.  Maybe I did that night that the accident happened, but a lot of time has passed since then, so I don’t necessarily feel that way now.”

 

“You should still feel that way… everyone should… and I bet those people who family members I caused to die in that accident will always want me dead too.”

 

“That’s not true.  They don’t even know about you, Michael.  And, you didn’t cause anything.  It was just an accident.  Nobody knows for sure what caused it.  It could have been thousands of different reasons it happened.”

 

“You know I’m the cause of it.  You yourself said so that night.”

 

“I blamed you then just because I was grieving and at that time I had thought that Brian would die; so I needed to vent on someone.  However, that was well over two years ago now... almost three actually.  I had some time to reflect since then.  So, I don’t know for sure now whether or not it was your fault, or whose fault it was… or if it was anyone’s fault at all.  It doesn’t matter now anyway because regardless of whom you blame it doesn’t change anything or make me feel any better about what happened, you know.”

 

“Do you think you can ever forgive me though, Justin, for that and all the other things I did to Brian and you?”

 

“I don’t know, Michael.  But I can at least work on it.”

 

“Do you think everyone else I hurt can forgive me… that includes Brian, my mother, Lindsay and Mel, Gus, and Judge Horvath?”

 

“I really can’t speak for everyone else, Michael, but I know your mother (at least) never blamed you for anything... not even running away like you did.  In fact, if Deb blamed anyone, it was herself, and the Judge Carl Horvath never blamed you  either.  The judge had looked at the entire ordeal from a totally different perspective than anyone else, and he said it is absurd that anyone should hold you accountable because you weren’t there at the scene of the accident, so you couldn’t have possibly been the direct cause of it.  He had looked at it from a judicial or lawful POV, I guess.”

 

“What?”  Michael momentarily lifted his head and finally met Justin’s gaze (for a moment at least) before he looked back down at his hands again.  “You think my mother is the blame for something, Justin?”

 

“I didn’t say she was responsible, Michael.  I said she blamed herself.  She thought every bad thing you’ve ever done was on the account of her not being a good enough mother to you.  She seems to really believe that, so you need to get in touch with your mother and tell her that that just isn't true.  That’s a lot of guilt for her to carry around.”

 

“Overall, how is my mother doing?”

 

“Are you aware of anything that has happened in her life, since you left?  Have you’ve been in touch with her at all, Michael?”

 

“No.  Did something really awful happen to her while I’ve been gone... and now I need to take responsibility for that too?”

 

“No.  In fact, one REALLY good thing (concerning your mother) might have come out of that tragedy.”

 

“What could that possibly be?”  Michael got suddenly excited and looked Justin in the face for a moment and then quickly looked away again.

 

“Your mother visited the judge a lot when he was in the hospital and continued to visit with him when he was released.”

 

“Oh and so?”

 

“Even more happened than just that, Michael.  You have a new stepfather,” Justin announced, and managed a slight smile, and Michael looked at him again then, noted his smile but looked quickly away from him and lowered his head again.

 

“What… my mother and Judge Horvath?”

 

“Yeah,” Justin nodded, “They got married about nine months after you left.  I attended their wedding.”

 

“Isn’t that Judge very rich?”

 

“Stinking rich,” Justin affirmed,  “Your mother really picked a winner… and so did the judge pick one in her.”

 

“So, my mom really landed herself a geniune judge?   I guess that means she quitted her job at the diner?”

 

“She’s happily married, but she just might be a lot happier if she could hear from her son… so, why don’t you try giving her a call sometime very soon?  However, she didn’t quit her job at the diner though.  She says she really enjoys that job and it keeps her from becoming bored but still she says it nice to no longer have to depend on that job to help her make ends meet.  But I suspect mostly she keeps that job so she'll spend less of her time worrying about you.”

 

“I don’t know if I can call my mom… I’m too ashamed, Justin.”  Michael continued to stare down at his quavering hands.  “I don’t even know how you can sit here inside this motel room with me after all that I had done to Brian and you, and everyone else; and I’m including all that stuff I did even before the accident… all the lies and stealing, attempting to burn your dream house down and trying to make Brian and you suspicious of each other.  By the way, just in case you still don’t know… that guy named Harold…”

 

“Don’t worry, Michael.  I know all about him now.  I know that he is Brian’s cousin and that Brian first boyfriend’s name was Cary and not Harry.”

 

“I sort of figure without me fueling the furnace the truth about that would automatically surface on it own.  I guess you probably find out who Harold was before I even skipped town.”

 

“Hmmm… you’d be surprised.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“Never mind… water under the bridge now.  So, what are you going to do about your mother?  I believe if you were to return to the Pitts (even if you didn't stay long) that would make her the happiest.  If you don't have the money, I'll purchase the ticket back home for you."

 

“But I don't deserve you doing that for me, and besides I will be arrested.  But shit maybe I should just go back there and do my time and then turn over a new leaf when they finally decided to let me out of prison.”

 

“No.  There’s no warrant waiting for you back there, Michael.  There never was.”

 

“What?  But I was out on bail and left before my trial date?”

 

“Yeah, and regardless how angry I was at you, I just couldn’t allow your mother to suffer any more than she already had, especially considering she had just lost her brother.  So, the moment she told me that you ran away, I went to the police and got the charges dropped; and besides it was neither Brian nor me that reported you to the police (in the first place).  The man who oversees the ranch was the one who had sic the cops on you. I cleared your name by saying it was a complete misunderstanding.  I told them that I had asked you to purchase some kerosene for an antique lamp, and that you were just delivering it to us but I both forgot to tell Brian about it as well as meet you there, so you just simply turned away and left with the kerosene still in your possession.  Even the ranch hand believed my story, I was so convincing.”

 

“After all that I had done to Brian and you, you still did that for me?”

 

“For your mother, Michael… not necessarily for you.”

 

“Thank you though, Justin… still under those circumstances, most people wouldn’t had done that much even for my mother.  I’m so sorry for every bad thing or every bad word or even every bad thought I ever had of you.  You didn’t deserve any of that… nor did Brian.  And, I particularly ruined his life the most.  He’d never be able to walk or swing his arms about again because of what I’ve done.  Also, I’m sure he’d never forgive me.   Hmm, I might never forgive myself.”

 

“I'm not so sure about that, Michael.   Brian’s a very forgiving person.  In fact, I don’t even know if he ever blamed you for this or not.”

 

“Huh?  Why wouldn’t you know how he feels about me?  I would think in all this time Brian and you had to have discussed it?”

 

“We never discussed it.  In fact, Brian and I haven’t discussed anything since the accident.  I’m not sure how he feels about any thing.”

 

“What?  I know you got divorced but you mean to tell me that you and he don’t even talk?”

 

“No.  Brian wasted no time getting away from me, Michael.  Less than a week had passed since the accident… and just that sudden he was gone.  He had Harold take him out of that hospital in West Virginia.  At Brian’s request I had him transferred to that hospital after he complained about hating Pitts-Mercy.  I visited him just one day at that hospital and he had me removed and banned from his room and the very next day when I came to see him, I was told he was gone.”

 

“Gone?”

 

“Yeah, behind my back he had his cousin Harold move him out of that hospital into another one.  To this day, I don’t know what facility he took him to.”

 

“So, you don’t know Brian’s whereabouts even to this very day?"

 

“I know now but didn’t know for two years straight though.  Brian currently resides in New York City; although, I only found that out by accident.   But I visited him there just before I started this European tour.  He told me he plans to stay put in the Big Apple though.”

 

“What kind of relationship do you have now?  Are you friends at least?”

 

“I’m not really sure, Michael.  I only had the one brief visit with him and now there’s a wide vast ocean between us.”

 

“So… ummm…. How did that one meeting go?”

 

“Not sure.. it was so brief.  The overall mood was awkward and influenced by some other things I rather not discuss with you.  Brian and I barely spoke about our feelings or what he had been feeling.  It was basically ‘bye’ and ‘see you later’.

 

“Oh?  But it’s not too late now for you and he to talk.  Is it?”

 

“I don’t think it is too late, Michael.  However, it has to be handled delicately and face-to-face, I guess.”

 

“So when do you think y’all might talk?  Don’t you think it should be something you do right away?”

 

“No… I thought I’d wait until I finish touring Europe and return home.  I’ll talk to him then.”

 

“I wish you all the luck resolving things with him, Justin.”  Michael looked at Justin once more when he said that and then quickly looked away again.

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Justin?  Do you know what kind of quadriplegic Brian is?”

 

“Huh?  What do you mean?  Like any other quadriplegic he doesn’t have use of his extremities.”

 

“I know that much, but I heard not all quadriplegics are the same… some have sensation in their limbs and genital area while other’s don’t.  Which is Brian?”

 

“So, is that your way of asking me, Michael, if Brian can still fuck someone… but that’s none of your business.”  Justin then refused to give him a straight answer.

 

“Oh?  I understand.  I just asked because I wanted to know exactly how bad off did I caused him to be.”

 

“Stop torturing yourself, Michael.  Like I said no one can be absolutely sure that anyone was to blame.  It was an accident.”

 

“But I remember you said had it not been because of me, Brian would have never even been on that road at that particular time.  Therefore, he wouldn’t have been in the accident at all.  So it's all my fault after all.”

 

“We don’t know that for sure because we don’t know how fate actually work,” Justin rationalized and tried to put Michael’s mind at some ease.  “For all we know Brian and everyone else in that accident were probably meant to meet that particular fate at the specific time and hour.  Therefore, regardless of how it happened it might have still occurred.  Maybe if Brian wasn’t traveling to or from you, he might have been on that same road at that particular time for another reason like out there getting cigarettes or something.  Could have just simply been meant to be… we’ll never know for certain… enough about that though.  Let’s talk about you, Michael.  Why are you in such a debilitated state?  Obviously life hasn’t been treating you well.  But homeless here in Paris… how did that come about?  I find this so incredible that I actually believed I had imagined I was seeing you near the gallery earlier during the day."

 

“Just mere circumstances… I guess.  When I left the Pitts I didn’t know where I was going, so I got on the first thing out of there; and it just happened the first flight out was the same plane that Ethan and Chris were on.  We spotted each other on the plane and talked a bit but I went my separate way after we landed in Paris.  Not long after that, Ethan just happened to stumble across me one day after I had become like this… a hungry and smelly bum on the streets of Paris.  I’ve been panhandling for my meals and sleeping in all types of public places."

 

“You fucking kidding me… right, Michael?”

 

“No.  I had actually hit rock bottom like that, Justin.  I had little money when I arrived here, so it wasn't long before I was completely tapped out, and all this time I figured I was on the run as a fugitive, so I always kept a low profile and never even looked for a job.  I thought it was easier for law enforcement to locate me if I got a job.  But really it wasn’t that even.  I thought I didn’t deserve to have anything after what I had done.  So, I wasn’t even trying to find a job or better myself in anyway.  I had completely given up.  Ethan and Chris were nice enough to offer me a hand up but I refused.  But whennever I was really down on my luck I'd stop over there and ask them for some dinner scrapings and they always gave me something, and every time they'd ask to further help me, but I always said no because I never thought I deserved to be helped.”

 

“That’s really sad, Michael.  It didn’t have to be that way, you know… still doesn’t have to be.”

 

“But I don’t deserve anything, Justin.”

 

“That’s not true, Michael.  Almost every human being deserves some dignity in life… regardless of what he's done, especially if he's remorseful, which you seem to be.  If it helps I’ll forgive you right this moment.  I do forgive you, Michael, and you need to forgive yourself as well.”

 

“Really?  You really mean that, Justin?  Just moments ago, you said you weren’t sure if you could ever forgive me.  So how can you forgive me just that easily now?”

 

“Yeah.  I really do forgive you, Michael.  But how?  I'm not sure why, but maybe it’s because I’ve been dreaming about you a lot.”

 

“You’ve been dreaming about me?”

 

“An awfully lot,” Justin answered, “And those dreams have been quite pleasant and not nightmarish in any way.  So, I guess that was my consciousness or some omen trying to tell me that I should forgive you.  Time to bury the hatchet, I guess, Michael.  It’s not good for anyone to carry a grudge to his or her grave.  It even makes me feel better forgiving you.”

 

“Do you think Brian will ever be able to forgive me as easily?  I don’t think so… I messed his life up a lot worse than anyone else’s.”

 

“Only Brian can be the true judge of that.  I can’t say what he’s feeling especially since I haven’t discussed it with him.  But, Michael, regardless you have to stop punishing yourself and it starts right this moment.  Let’s get out of his motel and go back to Ethan and Chris’s place and take it from there… together we all can work at returning your dignity to you.”

 

“You care about that, Justin, after all that I’ve done to you?”

 

“Hey, I guess it’s apart of the forgiveness process; and besides both Brian and I are quite fond of your mother.  So what better way can I honor her by helping her son get back on his feet so he can return to her?  You do want to see your mother again… don’t you?  She loves and misses you so much, Michael.  Debbie hasn’t been the same since you left.”

 

“I suppose no one has been the same, and it’s ALL my fault.  Sometimes I’m so full of guilt that it’s hard not to end it all…”

 

“Huh?  You mean you have struggled with…”

 

“Yes!  I’ve considered suicide, Justin... many times... but...”

 

“But what?”

 

“The only thing that prevents me from doing it is my hobby.”

 

“Hobby?  You have a hobby?”

 

“Yeah, I do.  I still like comics.”

 

“So, you read a lot of them still?”  Justin asked.

 

“Yeah a few but reading them isn’t the hobby which I was referring to… I used to write comic strip when I worked at one of Brian’s subsidiaries (Kinnetic Publishing).   I still do that now… that’s my hobby.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“Yeah.  It’s the only way I was able to maintained my sanity in my current state.  In fact, it and a few commic books I own is my only possessions.”

 

“Possessions?  You keep what you write?  You have it stashed somewhere?”

 

“Yeah.  I keep it and my commix books hidden in a secure place.  I guess even a bum needs to leave behind a legacy,” Michael lamentably smirked (smiling for the first time).

 

“You taking the time to write... is really something amazing, Michael.”

 

“What?  You really think so?”

 

“Yeah.  I really think so, Michael.”

 

“Thanks, Justin.”

 

“You’re welcome.  But I haven’t really done anything for you to thank me for yet.  However, I do plan to.  So, let’s get out of this motel room and…”

 

“No.  Justin, I can’t let you help.  I don’t deserve…”

 

“Michael!  Just consider me doing this for your mother.  Do you want to make it up to her… and if so can you think of a better way than to get her son back on his feet and return him home to her?  So, Michael, if not for yourself… let’s do this for your mother?  What do you say, Michael?  Will you do this for Debbie… or not?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good… so let’s go.  First, you and I will go and get those commic books and that one and only prized possession (you just told me about), and then we will head back over to Ethan and Chris’s place and we will take it from there.  So, welcome back to the living, Michael Novotny.”

 

Justin and Michael then left the motel together.

You must login (register) to review.