Chapter 141:  You Didn’t Do That To Him!

            “Hey Pearl,” Justin greeted his son’s nanny when he walked inside the house and saw her in the living room.  By that time, he considered her his good friend as well.  “J.C.’s still out like a light?”  He inquired.

“Still sleeping peacefully, Justin.  But how did the rest of your evening go?  Did you sell any more paintings, after J.C. and I left?”

Justin smiled really hearty then and bragged.  “Pearl babe, believe it or not every one of my paintings flew instantly off the wall tonight.  My wall was stripped bare actually, and Sidney suggested then that maybe I should paint the wall itself, so I would have something to show the next crowd coming through there.”

“That’s really funny, but are you kidding!”  Pearl laughed and also smiled really big and was so thrilled for the artist. “Did every one of them really sell tonight, Justin?”

“Sure did, and I’m as amazed as you are.”  

“That’s really fantastic.  Congrats,” Pearl praised him.

“Thanks.  Oh by the way, my mother just called and told me some good news that I’d like to share with you.  She said my little sister is engaged to be married.” 

“Oh, wow!   Congratulations to your little sister.”

“Thanks, Pearl,” Justin said and then he lifted his upper limbs and sniffed under his armpits and realized he reaped of strong perspiration and sex.  “I stink,” he announced to Pearl.  “I better get a shower and then hit the hay.”

“Okay, good night, Justin.”

“Good night, Pearl.  See you in the morning.”

“OH!”  Pearl exclaimed.  “Justin, I almost forgot to tell you, but...”

“What?” Justin chuckled.

“That special delivery package you asked me to keep an eye out for you, it came; and I signed for it and put it down in the center of your bed.”

“Yes!”  Justin cheered excited the video and album arrived, “I’m so relieved it arrived safely here!”  He worried all day nervous that those things might get lost in transit or not arrive to him for some other reason and he started to rush right in the bedroom and open the package but the moment he turned to walk that way, his cell rang and he stopped and peeped the number.  “Awww fuck!  Damn!”

“What’s wrong?”  Pearl alarmingly asked.

“It’s Jensen’s mother calling again,” Justin yawned.  “But I planned on talking to her soon anyway, and get her finally off my back, so now is as good time as any, I guess.  But, good grief, I would think by now her son would have told both his parents what the deal is.”

“Hi, Mrs. Olsen,” Justin greeted her as the artist finally accepted the grieving woman’s call and the moment she heard his voice she poured into the artist attacking him something fiercely.  She was shouting and crying so loud that Pearl could hear every word the woman said to Justin.

Pearl started to leave the room then but she stayed because she felt after that call was over Justin might certainly need someone to lean on.

Justin just stood stiff holding the phone to his ear as he took every bit of the harsh verbal abuse that the mad woman on the other end had to ditch out.  Mrs. Olsen was as hysterical as she was brutal and loud; and Justin continued to stand there and let her vent all those frustrations on him.

Pearl’s heart really poured out to Justin and although she didn’t think the artist deserved any of what Mrs. Olsen was saying to him, it didn’t surprise her any why a woman like Mrs. Olsen would attack Justin like that and he would stand silently letting her.

“Mrs. Olsen, I’m so sorry,” Pearl heard Justin sympathetically and lamentably say to the woman.

“FUCK YOU!  YOU FUCKING DIRTY, NO-GOOD FAGGOT!”  The nanny heard the raving mad woman’s final words to her employer and friend (who was once engaged to that woman’s son), and that was the end of the call.

Pearl thought Justin looked like the sky had fallen down on him as she watched how lifeless he looked when he laid his phone down on the coffee table.

“Justin?”

“I’m alright, Pearl.”

“You couldn’t possibly be okay, after all what that insensitive woman just said to you.”

“It’s okay what she said, Pearl.  Her son’s dead.  She has the right to vent the way she did just then.  You must understand that?”

“Grieving or no grieving, Justin, she shouldn’t have talked to you that way.   That was an awful way to spring that bit of news on you.  Don’t the woman have any scruples at all.”

“But, I…”

“Justin,” Pearl cut him off.  “I heard every ugly word and false accusation that dreadful woman said to you.  She outright accused you of killing her son.  But I hope you don’t take to heart any thing she said.  None of that was your fault, dear.   Jensen took his own life, damn it!”

“But some of what she said was true, Pearl.  Didn’t you hear her when she said that Jensen left a note saying I was the reason he drowned himself in the river like that and committed suicide.”

“Yes, I heard when she said that, and she was totally out of line saying it.  And just because she said it, Justin, it doesn’t necessarily means it true.  Unless she shows it to you, you might never know what Jensen wrote in the note, or if he even left a note.”

“Why would she lie about it, Pearl?”

“Her own guilt maybe.”

“What?”

“Justin.  I didn’t work for Jensen too long but I worked long enough for him to hear enough of the telephone conversations between that young man and his parents.   Jensen used to put some of those calls on speakerphone; and the horrendous things I used to hear those two people say to their son made me want to chop my ears off at times.   Jensen’s parents were some really mean people.  There’s no wonder Jensen was the way he was.  Most of his problems stemmed from his parents’ influence.  They put a lot of pressure on that boy to be perfect and if he dare even hint at failing something, they came down really hard on him.  They’re the reason for Jensen’s bigotry, snobbishness and his violence tendencies too; and the reason he couldn’t deal with failure.  They were probably killing their boy from the day he was born - you didn’t do that to him, Justin.”

“He DID have a morbid fear about failing,” Justin asserted. “But still maybe I could have helped Jensen that day.  Pearl, you don’t know how mean I was to him that last day of his life.  Maybe had I been more kind to him and …”

“Had you done what, Justin… married him!  I certainly hope you’re not thinking along those lines, because it wouldn’t have made the least bit of difference with him; and it would have been a helluva sacrifice to yourself.  You didn’t owe him that much of yourself, Justin, no one owed him that much, other than maybe his parents.”

“I know that, Pearl.  Once I had broken off our engagement, I would have never agreed to marry him again, therefore, I’m not feeling the least bit guilty about that.   But I am guilty of a lack of sensitivity towards him.  He hinted to me about what he was going to do, Pearl, but I failed to catch the warning signs because I just didn’t care.”

“Justin, you can’t let yourself feel guilty about that.  Your first concern should always be yourself and at that moment Jensen was a potential danger to you.  You told me how he had once attempted to rape you and then accosted you inside that art gallery.  We’ll never know what might have happened had that young man Alex had not shown up.”

“But Pearl, Jensen reached out and asked for my help.  He told me that he didn’t think he could survive in this world any longer; and do you want to know what cold and insensitive thing I said back to him - I told him that I didn’t care if he didn’t survive.  How mean was that, Pearl?”  Justin started lightly sobbing.

“Justin, you poor child.  Don’t torture yourself like this.  You didn’t say that for he sake of being mean to Jensen but you were smart enough to know how important it was to be firm with a person like that, or otherwise he might not have gotten the message, and kept begging you to marry him.  For Pete’s sake the man was badgering you about something that sensitive and you had already said ‘no’ to him.   Justin, you were completely justified in saying that to him; and don’t do yourself the injustice of taking your actions completely out of content.  For all you knew at that time he might have been saying that just to manipulate you.  We both know how manipulative Jensen was.  Do you understand what I’m saying to you, Justin?”

“I guess but…”

“Don’t you dare GUESS!  You be SURE about what I’m telling you.  None of this is your fault and you shouldn’t feel guilty about what you said to Jensen.  You were concerned enough to offer him your therapist number, but he turned it down.  That’s more than most people would have done in a situation like that.  So, Justin you have nothing to feel guilty about when you told him you didn’t care if he survived, especially after he you offered him help and he did not take it.  Jensen didn’t care about you.  He only cared about what his parents and he wanted.  But you DID care enough about him to refer him to someone that could probably have helped him; and you still care or you wouldn’t be feeling this way now.”

Justin then looked pass his grief and guilt and completely absorbed Pearl’s point.  “I know,” he said to her, “That everything you said is true, but still I just can’t shake this guilty feeling.”

“That’s because you’re human and have a really big heart, Justin; and all though you were never in love with Jensen, you did care for him on some level.   You can’t just instantly turn those feelings off.  So, what you need to do is just allow yourself to go through the normal grieving process and you’ll start feeling like yourself quick enough.”

“Thanks, Pearl,” Justin said expressing how appreciative he felt and then they embraced each other.

“I’m going to get that shower now and go to bed.”

“Yeah, you do that, son; get a good night’s sleep and then feel better.”

“Good night, Pearl.”

“Good night, Justin; but one more thing.”

“Huh?  What’s that?”

“I heard Jensen’s mother call you that homophobic slur; and that was another thing that...”

“Huh?”

“On top of everything else,” Pearl started telling Justin something that he didn’t know, “Jensen’s parents weren’t so keen about their son being homosexual.  They used to throw subtle hints their son way telling him that they wished he were straight.  They used to refer to you with impersonal terms such as what’s his name or face, and call you Jensen’s whatever.  So don’t let it get to you, Justin.   In my opinion Jensen’s parents killed him and just might have been killing their boy ever since the day he was born.”

Justin just duly nodded and then marched directly for the bathroom that adjoined with his bedroom.