THE GREAT DIVIDE by Nightvision55

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CHAPTER FIVE

I wanna live, I wanna give, I’ve been a miner for a heart of gold;

It’s these expressions I never give, that keep me searching for a heart of gold –

And I’m getting old.

-Heart of Gold - Neil Young

BRIAN

The atmosphere at Deb’s is frosty to say the least. I’d managed to dodge the last couple of family dinners, but Christmas lunch is a sacred cow as far as she’s concerned; she’d cornered me at the Diner and ordered me on pain of permanent injury to attend. I knew if I didn’t show she’d simply turn up at the Loft and hammer on the door until I let her in, so I figured it was better to bite the bullet and get it over with.

Strangely enough, it was Mikey who seemed most off with me. He’d managed to grunt a greeting and then stuck closely to Ben and Hunter, studiously ignoring me. Not that anyone else was exactly friendly; only Carl and Deb seemed their usual selves. In fact, Deb was overly solicitous even by her standards, an event that I found more than a little unsettling.

It wasn’t until we’d all settled down round the table that anything was really said. And it was Mikey who barged straight in. “Christmas isn’t the same without Mel and Linds,” he complained, spearing a slice of turkey and regarding it moodily. “It’s too quiet without the kids! I can’t believe they had to cancel!”

“You know Mel hasn’t been able to get a full-time job yet,” Deb says soothingly, passing Carl the gravy. “They haven’t got the money to fly backwards and forwards all the time. You know they would have been here if they could.”

“I can’t believe Mel didn’t realise she’d have to re-qualify before she could practice law in Canada,” Ben observes, shaking his head. “They really should have considered their options better before just taking off like that.”

“Well, that’s Munchers for you.” I poke my two of slices of dry turkey and try to summon up the enthusiasm to eat it. “They get an idea in their little Lezzie heads and there’s no shifting it. Like when they thought they could renovate their loft themselves – Christ, what a disaster that turned out to be!”

“And this is the first time Teddy hasn’t come for Christmas lunch,” Emmett sighs sadly. “But he said he and Blake had a pressing engagement.”

“Yeah, pressing between the sheets,” Deb cackles.

“And fuck knows how Justin’s celebrating.” Michael glowers at me. “I don’t expect we’ll ever see him again.”

There’s silence. Everyone keeps their eyes on their plates.

Mikey lays his fork down. “In fact, I’m really surprised you haven’t brought the new boyfriend along. There’s plenty of room. And after dinner, we could all play fucking charades!”

“Michael …” Ben says warningly.

“No,” Mikey snaps. “I want to know why he hasn’t brought Dan along to introduce us? You ashamed of us, Bri? Aren’t we good enough for your new executive boyfriend? Or are you ashamed of him?”

His fists are clenched on the table, his eyes blazing. I meet them as calmly as I can. “No, I’m not ashamed. I couldn’t think of any reason you’d want to meet him … or him you, for that matter.”

“Michael,” Deb says severely, “this is neither the time nor the place for this discussion. This is supposed to be a nice, festive family dinner between those of us still left, not a fucking war-zone!”

“I can’t believe you, Ma!” Mikey yells, throwing his napkin on the table. “You were always the one who stood up for Justin, and now suddenly you’re on Brian’s side! You didn’t have the kid turn up on your doorstep looking like someone had just gutted him with a blunt knife! You didn’t have to listen to him! And now he’s gone, and he won’t even work on Rage anymore because he blames me for not telling him what this asshole was up to! That he hadn’t even been gone three months and he’d already been fucking replaced by a brand new model!”

“Watch the lips, Mikey,” I say, enunciating clearly. “Dan. Is. Not. My. Boyfriend. Capice?”

Hunter sniggers. “Like we haven’t heard that before.”

And suddenly I’ve had enough. Mikey’s earned the right to speak his mind, whether I want to hear it or not. But this little twerp laughing? No way.

I lunge forward quickly enough for Ben to put up a protective hand. “Don’t you dare … don’t any of you fucking dare… compare Justin. Not to Dan … not to anyone. There is nothing in common. Not one single thing. You understand?”

I throw my napkin on my half-eaten dinner and head for the back door. I need a smoke before I kill someone.

*******************************************************

I thumb my Zippo alight, cupping my hand around it to shield the flame. I light my joint and inhale deeply, leaning my head back against the cold concrete of the wall behind me.

I close my eyes. Fuck them. Fuck all of them.

How am I supposed to explain when I can’t even explain to myself? For the first time in my life I’d been looking forward to a Christmas. I’d envisioned curling up with Justin in front of the fire at Britin, watching the snow fall outside. I’d imagined letting him drag me out to choose a tree, grumbling but compliant, and helping him decorate it. And fuck, I’d meant to spoil him; to make up for all the Christmas’s, all the birthdays, I’d neglected and ignored. I’d wanted to watch his face as he opened presents on Christmas morning. God help me, I’d even had visions of inviting our friends over for New Year like some fucking feudal seigneur, sharing our home and our good fortune.

Instead I have Dan.

I’d like to say that he’d been simply a cold-blooded scheme to fulfil my plan of setting Justin off on his new life, but it hadn’t really been like that. The truth is that I’d hooked up with him a month or so after Justin had left, because he was funny and smart and hot and the sex was pretty good. And suddenly I couldn’t stand the lonely nights and mornings: Linds had gone and taken Gus with her, and Mikey was all tucked up in Suburban Utopia with the Professor and Hunter. And I was sick inside; I pined for someone to talk to, to laugh with, to go out and have a few drinks with. I didn’t want faceless, nameless tricks anymore. Justin had spoiled all that for me.

So when I decided that the best way of shutting out Justin was to have someone else do it for me, well, I was only taking things one step further; because I’d already broken the rule about never going back for seconds.

Not that there was ever any intention of making things permanent. Dan has his own place still, his own career, his own friends. Neither of us have any illusions of being anything other than what we admit to our being … fuck buddies. No commitment, no attachment. And if he has no real understanding of me or my life, well, you don’t need to have much in common in order to be friends … fuck, twenty years with Mikey is proof enough of that.

And yet … it feels so fucking wrong. Because while Dan’s presence takes the edge off the loneliness, in other ways it’s made things worse. Once, a non-relationship like this would have been my ideal … after all, I spent four years trying to persuade myself, and everyone else, that the position of fuck-buddy was the only one Justin held in my life. It’s only now, having sampled the real thing, that I realise how hollow such an arrangement is, how ultimately pointless. And at times like this, when all my thoughts are with Justin, wondering where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s doing it with … well, at times like this I fucking hate it.

The door behind me opens, bringing a waft of roast turkey and cheap perfume. It’s Deb.

“You okay, kiddo?”

I exhale blue smoke into the frozen air. “I’m fabulous, Deb. As always.”

“Somehow I doubt that.” She reaches out, takes the joint from my fingers; takes a toke. “Hunter’s just a kid. He doesn’t understand.”

“I know that.”

She passes me the joint back. “And I’ve had a word with Michael.”

I shrug. “He’s entitled to his opinion. It’s just strange, I guess; having Mikey stand up for Justin like that. I’m used to his always taking my side.”

“Well, now that he’s in a real relationship … now he understands what loving someone is really about … maybe he can be a little more objective about you.”

“And you? You’ve always been the first to ream my ass.”

She smiles. “I guess I can be a little more objective, too.”

We stand in silence for a while, trading the joint back and forth. Then she says; “Brian. I have to say this. I understand what you’re trying to do here. You’re trying to make sure that Justin takes all the opportunities open to him … that he makes as much of himself he can. But I’ve got to say, kiddo, I think you’re making one hell of a mistake.”

I take a last toke, drop the roach and crush it out with the toe of my boot. “He deserves more than me, Deb. Way, way more. He always has.”

She puts her hand on my arm. “Brian, you can’t fool me. You’re not the same selfish asshole you were before the bombing; you’ve changed, and nothing proves it more than the fact that you can’t face being alone any more. I know you love that fucking kid, enough to rip your own heart out rather than see him suffer. I know this Dan guy means nothing to you. But I thought all this drama between the two of you was over. That finally you were going to accept that you were together, the way everyone knew you were meant to be, and I thanked God for it. Seems I was wrong. Well, let me tell you what I learnt from losing Vic; time goes by quicker than you think. And opportunities lost can’t ever be regained. That goes for relationships as well as careers; and Sunshine had the right to choose for himself which one he thought was more important. You shouldn’t have taken that decision away from him. No matter how justified you thought you were.”

I shake my head. “Justin’s stronger than you can possibly believe, Deb. He might want me, but he doesn’t need me. After the bombing, I was the one who freaked, not him. I went begging him to marry me, not the other way round. And it’s been the same every time we split up: when he left with Ethan, when he went to LA. He only ever came back because things didn’t work out for him … never because he wanted to. He managed just fine without me. And he will do now. You’ll see.”

“Did I say you’d changed?” she demands, planting her fists on her hips. “No, you haven’t. You’re still the same stubborn, short-sighted, pig-headed…”

“I get the picture, Mom,” I tell her, leaning in to give her cheek a peck. “But you love me any way. And because you love me, you’ll do me a favour.”

Deb glares at me suspiciously. “What?”

“Keep me up to date, Deb. You’re friends with Jennifer, she’ll keep you posted on how Justin’s doing. You know, if he has any shows or reviews or anything. Or if he needs any money. Make sure he’s well … that everything’s okay.”

She cocks an eyebrow at me. “You think you have to tell me to keep tabs on Sunshine? You think I haven’t already spoken to Jen?” She sighs. “I gotta tell you, you’re not her flavour of the month any more. Can’t say as I blame her. But she says Justin’s fine. He’s moved out of September’s place, and he’s living with a friend who’s got a rich father and a nice apartment in Chelsea. Justin’s set up a small studio there. According to Jen, he’s working, and well, and happy. That what you wanted to hear?”

Yeah. Of course it is. That’s why I let him go in the first place. And I can bear anything as long as I know his life’s working out the way it was supposed to.

So why do I feel such a fucking empty black hole inside?

TBC