CHAPTER THREE

JUSTIN

I punch the security code to the front door of Brian’s building and run up the stairs. I’m way too freaked to wait for the elevator.  I know he must be in because the lights are on.  I stand outside the Loft door, trying to calm my breathing, then I bang hard on the metal with the flat of my hand.  “Brian!” I yell.  “Brian!”

I have a sudden flashback to the last time I stood here yelling for entrance; that horrible time after I’d been bashed and my Mom had told Brian to stay away from me.  How scared I’d been that it wouldn’t be Brian who opened the door, but Chris Hobbs, my nightmare come to life.

And when the door finally slides back, my heart leaps straight into my throat and for a second I think that that’s exactly what’s happened, because it’s not Brian standing there.  This guy is a little shorter, a little younger, with light brown hair and eyes.  I can also see that he’s pretty hot, because all he’s wearing is one of Brian’s fluffy towels wrapped round his waist.

“Yeah?” he asks.

I’m so rattled that I gape at him like an idiot for a moment.  “Where’s Brian?” I finally manage to get out.  “And who the fuck are you?”  My voice comes out as a squeak.

He frowns at me.  “I’m Dan, if that’s any of your business.  Brian’s not home yet.  So if he’s arranged to meet you, you’re early.  Come back later.  Or leave a message.”  His gaze runs appreciatively down my body.  “Or you can come in and we’ll start without him.”

For a moment I’m as uncomprehending as if he were talking Russian.  This guy thinks I’m a trick?  And he said home?  Brian’s not home? I must look as devastated as I feel, because his expression changes to one of concern and he reaches for my arm.  “Hey, man, you okay?”

That’s when the elevator starts up behind me.  I turn and watch as it creeps up to the top floor, and I see him.  Brian.  He sees me even before he pulls back the gate and steps out.  He’s obviously come from work, Armani clad and briefcase in hand.  His eyes seem to flicker just for a second as he looks at me, then they go carefully blank.  He stands quite still, surveying me calmly.

“I told you not to come,” he says.

The guy in the doorway is sort of looking from one of us to the other.  “What’s going on, Bri?”  he asks.

“Forgive my manners,” Brian says in the same quiet voice.  “Dan, this is Justin.  Justin, this is Dan.”

The guy holds his hand out uncertainly.  I stare at it, then at Brian.  “He’s living here?” I whisper.

“Looks that way,” Brian replies.

There’s silence while my world falls apart and crashes all round me; I have to lean against the wall for support because I don’t think my legs will hold me up.  Dan suddenly looks uncomfortable; he lays his hand briefly on Brian’s arm and turns back into the Loft, leaving us alone.

I’m clenching my hands so tightly I can feel the nails digging into my palms.  It’s the only way to stop myself from screaming, from crying, from falling on my knees and never getting back up.

“Justin…” Brian says, and his voice is kind.  He puts his hand on my shoulder.  “I told you to let it go.  I didn’t want you to find out like this.  But you always have to push too hard, don’t you?”

I slap his hand away and back off.  There’s nothing left to say, nothing to do.  It’s over; after all the struggles, the love, the laughter.  The fighting, the tears.  It’s finally over.  I back away from him and turn, rushing down the stairs before he can stop me, hearing him calling my name.  Too late.  Too fucking late.

****************************************

BRIAN

“So that was the famous Justin,” Dan calls from the bedroom.  “I didn’t realise he was that much of a kid.”

“Don’t let his looks fool you.  He’s older than you could ever know.”  I drop my briefcase and head for the drinks cart.  Fuck knows I need one.  I reach for a glass, then realise how badly my hand is shaking and pick up the bottle instead.  I twist off the cap and take a long chug.

“You coming to Woody’s with me?”  Dan comes down the steps, buttoning his shirt.  “A night out will make everything much better.”

“No, not tonight,” I answer shortly.  “I don’t think I’ll be very good company.  Besides, I’ve got a shitload of work to do.”  I keep my back to him.  At the moment I can’t stand to look at him.

“Okay.”  I know he’s shrugging.  “Do you want me to come back later?”

“Do what the fuck you like,” I tell him.

*******************************************

JUSTIN

“Alright, already!” Michael yells.  I hear him fumbling with the catch and then the door begins to swing open.  “Hunter, if you’ve lost your fucking keys again…” He sees me standing there, and his mouth falls open.  “Justin!  I didn’t know you were coming in …”

I barge past him.  “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”  I yell at him.

My face probably tells him all he needs to know.  “Shit, you’ve been to the Loft,” he says.

Ben, who’s sitting at the dining table, puts down his fork and stands up.  “Justin,” he says, “come and sit down.  Let me get you something to drink.”

“I don’t want anything to fucking drink!” I yell.  “I want to know why nobody told me … why you let me walk in on that!”  I can feel my eyes beginning to water, and I refuse, refuse to cry in front of them.  I desperately hold on to my anger.

“I didn’t know if there was anything to tell you,” Michael says placatingly.  “I didn’t want to upset you … I don’t think there’s really anything in it, Justin.”

“How long has it been going on?” I demand. 

Michael shifts uncomfortably.  “Maybe a month,” he mumbles.

“He’s been living with Brian for a month?” I repeat numbly.   How could no-one have told me? How could I not have known? 

“Nobody is taking it seriously,” Michael protests.  “It’s not like it’s a relationship or anything.”

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.  “You said that about me, too, remember?” 

“Yeah, but this is different.”  He tries to take my arm, but I jerk away.

“So who is he?” I demand.

Mikey rubs his face wearily.  “Dan someone or other.  He’s a partner in some company that Kinnetic’s representing … that’s how he and Brian hooked up.  They’ve been seen out and about a few times … then, a month or so ago, he started staying at the Loft.  I don’t honestly think it’s anything for you to worry about, Justin … Brian’s still tricking, and so is Dan.  I think they’re just fuck-buddies or something.”

“Michael, he’s finished with me!  When I rang him yesterday … he told me that he’s got his old life back … he told me not to come home!”

Michael looks shocked.  “No, I don’t believe that!” he protests.  “Fuck knows I was sceptical when I heard he’d proposed to you, but he was happy, Justin!  I know he was!”

“He told me it was just shock about the bombing and you nearly dying.  He said that now he’s had a few months to clear his head, he realises what a mistake marrying me would have been!”

Michael shakes his head vehemently.  “You’re wrong, Justin.  Brian Kinney doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do … you know that better than anybody.  And he wanted to marry you.  And he’s been miserable without you, even though he always tries to hide it!  Even when I’ve seen him with Dan, it’s not like the way it was with you … I mean, I’ve never seen them kissing or even touching much, or anything … I think Brian just needs some company.  He’s been so lonely since you left him …”

“Oh, so it’s my fault again!” I yell.  I’m so strung out I could fucking hit him.  Like I haven’t been lonely and miserable!  “I never wanted to go to New York in the fucking first place, you moron!  It was all Brian’s idea!  He wanted to get rid of me, and he did.  And now he’s tucked up all cosy with someone else … someone who’s older than me, who’s got more in common with him, who doesn’t expect anything of him… and nobody had the fucking decency to tell me what was going on!  Especially you… you were quick enough to blab to Brian about me and Ethan!”

Michael shuffles his feet sheepishly  “Well, I guess I learned my lesson on that one.”

“You mean it was Brian who was getting cheated on!  Whereas this time it’s me, so it doesn’t fucking count!”

“Justin,” Ben says.  “You’ve had a bad shock, come and sit down a moment.”

“No.” I say, suddenly hating both of them … hating their sympathy, their pity, their comfortable life together.  Michael and Ben have everything … but I’ve just lost the only thing I had: the only thing that ever made me different from the thousands of Brian’s tricks – the fact that I was the only one who stayed – the only one he came back to.  “There’s nothing here for me anymore, just like Brian told me.  And now I’m going back where I belong.  You can tell him that, the next time you see him.”

TBC