CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

BRIAN

“Hi, Momma!”  Gus yells, bursting through the door.  “Guess what, I had to give the whole class a talk about what it was like in Canada, and I got a gold star!  Mrs. Jenkins says I’ve got a very good vocablery.”

“That’s nice, Sweetie,” Lindsay replies automatically.  She’s chopping vegetables and she hardly even bothers to turn to acknowledge Gus’ presence.  “Why don’t you go and watch cartoons while I fix dinner?”

“Can I have a drink?  I’m very hot.”

“You know where it is.”

“I got it, Sonny Boy.”  I retrieve the Arsenal mug Boot gave him from the pile of unwashed plates on the drainer, rinse it out and fill it with juice from the refrigerator.  Gus takes it reverently and I grin as I watch him carry it carefully to the lounge.  Then I turn to Lindsay.  “You could show a little more enthusiasm.”

I see her shoulders stiffen.  “Don’t start, Brian.  I’ve only just walked through the door, okay?  I’m sorry if I’m fucking tired.”

“I thought you’d be happier now they’ve offered you full time.  More money, at least.  ”

She turns, brittle smile plastered in place.  “More money, less time.  And you have no fucking idea how hard it is to bring up a kid on your own!” 

“Which is why I’d never try to.” 

She glares and turns back to her vegetables.  “How’s Justin?”

“Fine.”  I run the hot faucet to fill the sink with water, add detergent and dump the dirty plates in it to soak.  “Boot’s taken him swimming.  It’s a good way to strengthen his muscles without stressing the bone too much.”

“Boot certainly spends a lot of time with him.  But then, I expect you pay him well for it.  Loyalty seems to come with quite a high premium nowadays.”

“Boot’s not a servant.  He’s been a good friend to Justin.”

“All I’m saying is, it must be such a relief to have the finances to be able to afford someone like him … you can’t deny it would have been a huge strain on you if you’d had to care for Justin alone.  Not all of us are so fortunate.”

I think of the thousands of dollars I’d shelled out for Gus’ day-care when she and Mel split up the first time, even though I’d been suspended without pay, and sigh.  “You know people would help out.  Deb hardly works anymore, and she’s always ecstatic to have the kids.  And Michael and Ben have offered to take Gus too, when they have Jenny Rebecca.”

“They hate me.  Everybody does.  They all blame me, thanks to Melanie.”

“Lindsay, nobody hates you.  As far as everyone else is concerned, you and Mel have had problems for a while, it all came to a head, and you walked.  It’s not like it hasn’t happened before.  It doesn’t mean you’re fucking ostracised.”

She doesn’t reply.

I try again.  “Don’t you think Gus notices that you never come to the family dinners anymore?  That you never take JR, even when you can?  Do you think you’re being fair to him?”

“Fair to him!” she yells, turning towards me with blazing eyes, gripping the handle of her knife so tightly that her knuckles are white.  I take an involuntary step backwards.  “Fair to him?  What about what’s fucking fair to me?”

I’ve seen her fury before over the years, but I’ve never had it directed at me.  I try to control my own anger.  “In case you’ve forgotten, the situation you now find yourself in is entirely your own choice.  You were the one who left Mel, remember.  You were the one who wanted a new life for yourself.”

“I didn’t want this one!” she shrieks.

“Momma?”  Gus’ worried voice comes from the doorway.  “Why are you yelling at Dadda?”

She rounds on him, white with anger.  “I am talking to your father, not you!  Go to your room, Gus!”

“But, Momma …”

“Don’t you dare answer me back!  Now go to your fucking room!”

Gus flees.

I reach Lindsay in two strides and grab her shoulders, heedless of the knife still in her hand, and I’ve never come closer to hitting a woman in my life.  Instead I shake her roughly, and she gasps as my fingers bite into her skin.  “Don’t you do that!  Do not take your frustration out on my son, you fucking bitch!” 

I shove her hard away from me, and run after Gus.

He’s sobbing on his little bed, hugging his bear; I pull him into my arms.  “Gus … Gus, come on, Sonny Boy, it’s okay.”

He turns his little woebegone tear-soaked face to me.  “Why is Momma angry with me?  What did I do?”

“Nothing, Sonny Boy.  Momma’s not angry with you, she’s angry with me.  And herself.”

He sniffles and wriggles his shoulders, wiping his nose on my shirt.  I try not to wince.

“Gus?”  Lindsay says hesitantly.  She comes over to the bed and sits down next to us.  “Momma’s sorry, Lambskin.   She’s just tired … she didn’t mean to yell at you.”

Gus buries his face in my stomach.

“Come on, Sweetie … you know Momma loves you, don’t you?”

He looks at her reluctantly.  Then he nods.

Lindsay smiles coaxingly.  “Come here, then … come to Momma, baby.”

He turns to her, and she hugs him.  “Sorry, Bri,” she says over his head.   Her expression is contrite.  “I don’t know what got into me … must be the time of the month, I guess.”

Right.  I stare at her until she drops her gaze and then reach out to stroke Gus’ hair.  “You okay, Sonny Boy?”

He nods, and gives me a watery smile.

Poor little kid.   He’s caught up in a situation he can’t understand, and the best I can do is to try to stop him being scarred by it.  I have such vivid memories of my own childhood, lying sleepless in bed while my parents screamed obscenities at each other, and I am not going to expose Gus to that misery, no matter how justified.  Somehow I have to make Lindsay see things the same way.  I lean down and kiss the top of his head.  “Gus, I’ve got to go and pick up Justin now, but you know you can call if you need me.  In fact, I’m going to give you your very own cell phone, so you can talk to me anytime, day or night.  Would you like that?”

His eyes widen.  “Wow, really?  My own cell?  That’d be so cool!”

“And I swear if anything’s wrong, I’ll be right over… all you have to do is say the word.  I want you to promise me, Gus. Okay?”

“I promise, Dadda.” 

I smile reassuringly at him, but I can’t hold the expression when I look at Lindsay.  “I’ll talk to you later,” I tell her.

I intend to.  But I need to speak to someone else first.

TBC