CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

BRIAN

“Hey, Mikey.”

“What do you want, asshole?” he snaps.

I sigh.  I’d known it wasn’t going to be easy.    “I want to talk to Melanie, but she’s not picking up.  I thought you’d know when she’s at home.”

“Yeah?  And what brought about this change of heart?  Last time we spoke, you had a fucking meltdown when I even mentioned her name!  And you called me a manipulator!”

I pinch the bridge of my nose; Justin mouths Be nice! at me from the other end of the couch.

“You want me to apologise… fine.  I’m sorry.  Now will you talk to me?”

Silence.  Then, “Why the fuck should I?”

When Mikey’s being sulky, honesty’s the only policy.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to say.  “Because … I think I may have got it wrong.  I think Linds might have been lying to me.”

“I tried to tell you that!” he huffs indignantly.

I’m never going to hear the end of this.  “Yes, you certainly did,” I agree with as much sincerity as I can muster.

“So what’s changed your mind?” he asks, sounding slightly mollified.

“A lot of things, Mikey.  But mainly … Justin.”

“Justin?  What’s it got to do with him?”

“That’s a long story … and one I don’t want to go into until I know all the facts.”

“I didn’t think you were even on speaking terms.”

“Actually, he’s here.”

“What?  You mean in Pittsburgh?”

“No, here as in here.  At the Loft.  With me.”

“You mean he’s back?  Back with you?”

Christ, conversation with Mikey can be so fucking tiring.  “That’s the general idea.”

“So Dan’s gone?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, thank fuck for that, at least!” he says fervently, and I smile.  Mikey’s dislike of Dan outweighs any of his former jealousy for Justin.  “So how long is he staying?”

I look over at Justin and my smile gets wider.  “For good, Mikey.  For good.”  The little twat crosses his eyes and grins goofily back.

“Well, shit!  I don’t know what to say … except he’d better get his ass over to the Diner and see Ma before someone tells her he’s in town.”

“He’s kind of hors de combat at the moment.  He had an accident in New York.”

“Double shit!  What kind of accident?”

“An accident with a car,” I say, raising my eyebrows at Justin.

“A fucking car!”  His voice goes all screechy, the way it always does when he gets emotional.  “Is he fucking crippled or something?  Is that why he’s at the Loft?”

My best friend; ever the optimist.  “He’s got some broken bones,” I explain, “nothing that won’t mend.  And no reason for your Mom to come dashing over with the soup.  So it would be nice if you didn’t say anything about him being back for a few days … I want to get this business with Lindsay straightened out first.  Then we’ll come over and break the good news to her in person.  And Mikey …”

“Yeah?”

“Justin came back because of the accident, yes.  But that’s not the reason he’s staying.  He’s staying because he wants to, and I want him to.” 

He’s quiet for a moment.  Then he says softly, “About fucking time.  I’m glad, Bri.  Really fucking glad for both of you.”

I close my eyes, both relieved and touched by his sincerity.  “Thanks, Mikey.  We’re going to work things out … and part of that involves talking to Mel.  Besides … Justin says I owe it to her.”

He chuckles.  “Yeah, well, he always did have the brains.  Okay, asshole: Mel picks J.R. up from the crèche after she finishes work… she gets home around four.  She had to give up night school because she can’t afford a sitter, so she’s usually in from then.”

“Right.  I’ll call her tonight.”

“Only, don’t give her a hard time, Brian.  She’s a little vulnerable at the moment.”

“Aren’t we all?”

“Yeah … but Mel more than most; just try to keep that in mind.  Okay.  I’ll let you get on with it, then.  Oh, and be sure to give Boy Wonder a hug for me.  And tell him, I’m so fucking sorry about Jennifer… we all are.”

“I know, Mikey.  And so does Justin.”

********************************************************

“Hello?”  Her voice is quiet and subdued, not the brash, impatient tone I’m used to.

“Melanie,” I greet her.

“Bri … Brian?” she stammers.  “I… God, I wasn’t expecting a call from you.  Not after you refused all of mine."

I lean back on the bed and close my eyes.  I’d retreated to the bedroom, not because I didn’t want Justin to hear our conversation but because I was pretty jumpy about having it at all, and I’d rather do it alone.  I was more than a little apprehensive about what Mel was going to say.

“I didn’t want to speak to you,” I tell her honestly.  “After what Linds told me, I was too fucking angry.”

There’s a long silence.

“Mel?  Are you still there?”

“Yes,” she answers softly.  “I just don’t know what to say to you.”

“How about the truth?  Because I’m beginning to think that’s a pretty rare commodity around you two.”

“I … I tried.  I wanted to speak to you … to try to explain … but when you wouldn’t even take my calls …”

“Well, I’m listening now.  So tell me.  Did you hit my son?”

More silence.  Then she starts to sob.  “Fuck, Brian, I’m so sorry … I don’t know where to start …”

I feel cold fury sweep over me again, and only the promise I’d made to Justin that I’d hear her out stops me from slamming the phone down on her.  With a supreme effort I control my voice.  “Maybe you’d better start at the beginning.”

********************************************************************

“When we first moved,” Mel says, “she seemed quite happy and excited.  We got a little house in a nice quiet suburb, the neighbours were all very friendly and we got Gus into school.  We were so busy getting everything straight and getting the kids settled we didn’t have time to argue, and I really thought we’d made the right decision.  But then a few months ago it all started going wrong.  It was my fault, I guess … I was so obsessed by the idea of getting away from Pittsburgh, starting a new life away from the bombing, and Dusty dying, and Linds’ fucking parents, and Sam, and even you, Brian.  I thought we could be just us … Linds and me and the kids, the way it was meant to be.  I should have done my homework … I should have realised that I couldn’t get any job as a lawyer in Canada without re-qualifying, never mind being offered another partnership.

“Anyway, I got a job as a legal secretary to keep us going, and I went to night classes so I could qualify, and that was when things started to get strained.  Linds wasn’t happy staying at home to take care of JR, and it got just like it did before she was born.  I was working or studying or sleeping, Linds was keeping house and changing nappies and picking Gus up from school.  She was bored, but we didn’t have the money to spare to do anything … we’d used the proceeds from selling the house in Pittsburgh for furnishing the new place and paying bills.  I was too tired and cranky and fucking disappointed to sympathise.  So she found a crèche for JR and got a part time position as an assistant lecturer at an Art College.

“And things seemed better for a while.  Lindsay seemed happier, and the extra money was a big help.  But then ... then she started getting this sly, furtive look again, the way she was when she was seeing Sam.  She'd be all over me when I came home, cooking dinners and shit, but she couldn’t fool me because I’ve seen it before.  I knew she was seeing someone.

“So then one day I decided to drop in at the college and meet her for lunch.  She was standing there with this guy – forties, six foot or so, dark hair.  They weren’t kissing or anything, but she was touching his arm and she had that look on her face – you know the one, she’s looked at you that way often enough – and I knew it was him.  So when she got home I confronted her about it, and she did the outraged little paragon of innocence bit.  How could I possibly doubt her … he was just the Head of her department and they’d been discussing course work.  I was being neurotic and paranoid, and how could we ever have a future if I refused to trust her?  He was happily married, it was purely platonic … blah, blah, blah.  I let it go because I guess I wanted to believe her … I couldn’t bear to think she’d fucked me over again so soon.  But I knew!  I knew.

“And then a couple of weeks later I’m at home minding the kids while Linds is getting the groceries, when this woman turns up the door.  She thought I was Lindsay, and accused me of having an affair with her husband.  Apparently he’d left his cell lying around; his wife already suspected he was having an affair, so she read his texts.  Let’s say they’d been pretty explicit …can you imagine how I felt, trying to defend myself, and then having to admit it was my wife who was fucking her husband?  She had no idea we were lesbians … why would she?  Christ, her face … I don’t know who she was more disgusted with: me, Linds, or her fucking husband.

“Well, I asked Candice next door if she’d take the kids for a couple of hours and then I sat down to wait for Lindsay.  When she came home we had the mother of all fucking rows.  We’ve always been a little volatile sometimes; her temper’s as bad as mine when she really lets go.  She threw things, I slapped her.  I’m not proud of it, but I was so fucking angry, so sick of her bullshit.”

Mel takes a long, shaky breath.  “The next day was Sunday, and neither of us was speaking … I took the kids for a walk in the park just to get them out of the atmosphere.  I’m not trying to excuse what happened next, but I was tired and furious, and Gus kept running off and Jenny Rebecca was fussing, and I was trying to get her settled in the pram.  I finally got her tucked in, so I stood up and looked round for Gus: only he’d disappeared.  I was fucking frantic!  I went running up and down, heading for every group of kids I saw, asking every person I met if they’d seen him, and I couldn’t find him, Brian!  God knows what I must have looked like, racing around with the pram like a fucking crazy woman, with JR screaming her head off!  I couldn’t find him anywhere.  So I started running for the exit to find a cop … and that’s when I spotted him, trotting along holding this guy’s hand.  I screamed at him to stop and went tearing towards them.  The guy said that he’d found Gus crying and lost and was taking him to the police.  Maybe he was telling the truth, maybe he wasn’t: he could have been a fucking paedophile for all I knew.  I was just so angry with Gus, after all the times we’ve told him never to run off, and never, never go with a stranger … and that’s exactly what he did!  I spanked him so hard, Brian, and he cried so much.  I thought I was losing my mind.

“When we got home, Gus was still crying, so of course Linds wanted to know what happened.  She went ballistic at me, and I couldn’t even defend myself because I felt so fucking bad about what I’d done.  I was always the first to condemn corporal punishment and I’ve never had time for parents who have to resort to physical discipline.  God knows I’ve never raised a hand to either of the kids before.

“So then Linds said that she needed to take some time away … that she was going to her parents for a couple of weeks to think about what she wanted to do.  That she couldn’t trust me around her son.  And I felt so fucking guilty that I agreed!”

She’s sobbing openly now, and I’ve never heard Melanie cry.  I didn’t think it was possible.

“That’s why I tried to talk to you.  I wanted you to know how sorry I was for smacking Gus.  I wanted to explain it wasn’t so much that I was angry with him, as just so fucking scared… but when you wouldn’t take my calls, I guessed you didn’t want to forgive me.  I couldn’t blame you … if I’d ever found out you’d hit Gus, you can bet your fucking ass I wouldn’t let you near him, either … so I called Michael and cried on his shoulder, and he said he’d try to talk to you and find out what was going on.  And then he called back and said that Lindsay had already made her mind up, and that she wasn’t coming home.  He said as far as she was concerned we were finished.  He said she and Gus were living at the house you bought for Justin.”

My jaws are clenched so hard my teeth are aching.  I can feel my heart thudding dully in my chest.  “So let me get this right … the only time you hit Gus was when you spanked him for running off with a stranger?”

“Yes,” she hiccups.  “I swear it.  And God, Brian, I’ve never been so sorry for anything in my life!”

“Mel, listen to me.  If I’d been there, I’d probably have done the same thing.  And you know I don’t say that lightly.”

I listen to her struggling to control her tears.  Then she says hesitantly, “Didn’t Lindsay explain what happened?”

“She led me to believe that you were abusive, to both her and Gus.  She told me she was afraid of you.”

There’s a sudden intake of breath.  “She fucking said that about me?  God, Brian, why would she do such a thing?”

“She never really spelled it out.  She just made the implication and let me make my own assumptions … but she certainly never tried to tell me I was wrong.”  After all, she’d used exactly the same tactics about Justin, and they’d worked just peachy.  “Although I can’t deny I was more than willing to believe the worst.  And I apologise unreservedly for that.”

“With the childhood you had, I guess I can’t blame you.”  She’s silent for a moment, then she says, “Linds is the expert when it comes to passive aggression.  You don’t even notice the knife until she sticks it in you … and she always knows exactly the right place to hit.”

“You’re not the first to tell me that.”

“Then let me tell you something else.  The reason you and I never got on was because we’re too alike … we’re both control freaks, and we’re both sure that we always know best.  We were competitors … and Lindsay and Gus were the prizes.  We were both jealous of losing something that was precious … so we vied for their attention, and bitched and groused and tried to be top dog.  But I always knew you didn’t want Lindsay, because you were gay … so even though you pissed me off a lot of the time, I knew you were never a physical threat to me.  But she wanted you, Brian … she always has.  If you’d ever given her reason, she’d have dropped me so fast my head would have spun.  And the only reason I managed to live with that knowledge was because I knew she’d never be able to have you.

“But we were happy, despite the occasional fuck-ups.  I loved her more than anyone I’ve ever met, and I still believe she loved me too.  Perhaps one day she’d have let go her fantasy about you… if it hadn’t been for fucking Sam Auerbach.”

“I thought you’d got over that?”

“I did.  Lindsay didn’t.”  She sighs.  “After Sam, things were never really the same … physically, I mean.  She wanted it rough all the time … she always wanted me to fuck her hard … with a dildo.  I knew I wasn’t satisfying her the way I used to.”

“Christ, Mel.  Too much information.”

“Yeah, sorry to outrage your gay sensibilities.  But what I mean is, he was the first man who ever fucked her … strike that, the first straight man.”

I gape into the phone.  “You knew about me and Linds?”

“Yeah.  She told me when we were arguing about you being the sperm donor.  Why do you think I was so set against the idea?”

“I assumed it was because of all my other moral inadequacies.”   I’m completely floored that Mel knew about my little college fling with Linds: I’m also more than impressed at her ability to keep her mouth shut.  But I guess I’ve underestimated her in a lot of things.

Now she’s sniggering a little.  “Well, those too.”

“So why did you change your mind about me?”

“I never changed my mind, Brian.  But in the end I had to agree because Lindsay refused even to consider anyone else as a donor, and I wanted to have a child with her more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life.  Enough to try to overlook everything else.  Although with the benefit of hindsight … whether I like it or not, I have to admit Gus wouldn’t be the little boy I love so much without your fucked up genes being involved.”

“I love you too, Ms. Marcus.”

“Anyway, like I told you; I realised very quickly that you weren’t attracted to Linds: at least, not in any erotic way.   Most of us experiment a little before we finally decide which side of the fence we’re on.  And I’m sure that, God’s gift to gay men or not, you didn’t turn in a stellar performance with her … that you couldn’t with any woman.  Otherwise you’d have gone back for more.  But Sam … he was different.  I think he kind of opened her eyes … made her start to wonder if she might in fact be bi, or not even be a dyke at all.  And she started to think that perhaps, if she could be wrong about her sexuality, then you could be wrong about yours, too.”

“Then she’s fucked up on a cosmic scale.”

“Yes,” Mel agrees sadly.  “I think she is.  I think that’s why she wanted Justin to go to New York so badly.”

“Yeah.  I’m afraid I agree with you.”

“Brian, I knew something was going on there.  She kept on and on about what a wonderful introduction the review was for Justin, how excited he was about the whole New York scene … it surprised me because I expected her to be batting for you and the wedding.  After all, she was always the first one to put romance above practicality.  But the whole idea always seemed a bit of a pipe-dream to me.”

“You didn’t think so when you told me what a sacrifice he was making for me,” I can’t resist pointing out.

“Brian, I told you; you weren’t the only one to behave like an asshole.  It cut both ways … I took every opportunity to goad you, too.  And Justin was always your weak spot, just like Lindsay was mine.  But if my stupid comment had anything to do with you two splitting up, then I’ll never forgive myself.  And now he’s lost you and Jennifer, and I feel so dreadful for him!”

“Well, at least I can put your mind at rest about that.  Justin had an accident in New York and I was still his emergency contact.  I brought him back to Pittsburgh a couple of days ago … he’s going to stay.  We’re both ready, this time.”

“Oh … oh, fuck.”  She starts to chuckle and actually sounds like her old self for the first time.  “Well, that’s the best news I’ve heard since … since Stockwell got busted!”

“Jeez, Mel,” I grin, “I never had you down as a fan.”

“Fuck you, asshole!”  Then her voice drops.  “Does Linds know?”

“Yes.  And she wasn’t very happy about it.”

“No.  No, I bet she wasn’t.”  She’s not laughing now.  “Shit, Brian, what am I going to do?”

 “We’ll work that out once you get here.”

“Brian, I don’t know how I’m going to pay the next fuel bill.  Don’t you think I would have come back already if I’d been able to afford it?”

“Don’t worry about your bills, Mel, I’ll help out if you can’t manage.  What, you think I’m going to leave it like this?  Forget what she’s done to Justin and me, we’re big boys.  We can handle it.  But if she’s put Gus through all this for no other reason than her own selfish delusions, then she’s not the person I want to have custody of my son.  In which case, we’re both going to need you, Mel.  So book yourself and J.R. on the first flight you can and I’ll pick up the tab.  Deb will be more than delighted to put you both up.”

*************************************************************

After I hang up, I sit for a long time.  I think of the woman who I’d always classed as one of my closest friends, someone who I’d always trusted implicitly.  I remember the things we’d shared back in college, the secrets I’d never divulged, not even to Mikey … I think about the vibrant, wilful girl she’d been, and the secretive, manipulative woman she’s grown into.  And then I picture the expression on Justin’s face when he came home to find Dan waiting for him, and the one on Gus’ when he told me it was all his fault for being bad.

I pick up the ashtray and hurl it at the wall; instead of breaking, it ricochets off and goes straight through the nearest glass panel.  Justin’s voice comes immediately: “Brian?  What the fuck, Brian?”

I spring to my feet and leap down the steps.  Justin is sitting on the sofa, his face turned towards me, white and taut.  Thank fuck the glass shattered in the other direction, away from him.

I grab him in my arms, heedless for once of his ribs.  “I’m sorry, Christ, Justin.  I think I’m so fucking smart, and I’m a moron.  A fucking moron!”

“Well, duh!” he says.

I hold him close against me, needing the comfort of his warm body.  “Mel … she told me what happened.  Gus ran off while she was walking him in the park and when Mel found him - thank Christ - he was going off with some guy.”

“Fuck!  Was he alright?”

“Yeah, but it scared the crap out of Mel.  She tanned his ass.”

He pulls back his head and studies me.  “And that was what this was all about?”

I nod.  “Yes.  And God help Lindsay when I see her.”

“So that’s why you bust the panel?  What did you throw at it?”

“The ashtray.  But I didn’t aim at the panel … it just sort of bounced.”

“So you weren’t trying to kill me?”

I grin at him.  “Did I scare you?”

“Of course you fucking scared me, you tosser!”  He slaps at me angrily.

“Tosser? What the fuck kind of word is that?”

“Never mind,” he snorts.   Then he gives me a sly little grin and pulls away from me.  “Look at this!”  He wiggles his butt to the very edge of the couch, tucking his good leg as far under him as he can, sticks his elbows out and with a convulsive jerk manages to get to his feet.  “Ta-da!  I’ve been practising!” he announces, standing beaming at me with his arms outstretched, even though his breath is hitching and he’s gone several shades paler.

Fucking pig-headed little twat.

I stand up too and put my arms round him.  “If I tell you I’m proud of you will you please stop practising?” 

He pouts.  “I just want to get better.  I’m sick of being helpless.”

I kiss him hard.  “You, helpless?  Don’t make me laugh!  And you will get better … but only if you do as you’re told and don’t set yourself back by pushing yourself too hard, just because you’re a stubborn little shit who won’t take advice!  I swear, I’ll tie you to that fucking wheelchair if I have to.”

His smile is blinding.  “I knew I’d get some pleasure out of the damn thing eventually!”

I stroke back his hair and look down into his laughing eyes, and all sorts of possibilities are floating through my perverted imagination.  But before I can decide whether any are practical right now, someone starts knocking on the door.  Banging, actually.  No, make that hammering.

Talk about lousy fucking timing.  I take a deep breath.   “If that’s Deb, I’m going to murder Michael.”

I let go of Justin and start towards the door.  “Alright, already.  Fuck, I’m coming!”

I pull the door open, ready to tear someone a new asshole.  Even if it is Deb.

But it’s not.

TBC