When the rains came, they hit hard. Even though it was smack in the middle of hurricane season, we hadn’t had any rain storms. As a matter of fact, we were going through a dry spell. So, when the rains came on as suddenly as they did, dumping huge volumes as quickly as they did, we had flooding everywhere. Things were crazy.

My team and I had been pulling eighteen hour shifts and we were exhausted. We had everything going on, from looters to rescues. The National Guard had been called into Shreveport, but we in the low lands were on our own.

I had decided to take a break, get home, get cleaned up, eat, sleep some, and get back out in about six hours. My whole body ached, particular the areas that had been injured back in Iraq.

It was late evening and while on my way home, I decided to stop by my area store and pick up a few things. I felt like a drowned rat, totally soaked through from rain and sweat, and covered in mud. Yes, a lovely vision to behold.

I was exhausted, and crumbling fast, with my mind leading the way. While driving, I noticed that if I moved my head too fast, I became dizzy. I had started to get punchy and slap happy, I started to sing (badly) along with the songs on the radio and was talking back to the radio announcer. I was really loopy.

When I got to the store, I grabbed a carry basket and started binge shopping. I was too tired and hungry to think sensibly. I had my carry basket stacked to overflowing, and was barely able to keep stuff from falling out. I was whistling like I was on a walk in the woods. I was quite a sight to behold.

I was just coming to the end of an aisle, ready to round the corner and make my way to the check-out lines, when lo and behold, I ran into my two new friends – Vampire Bill and Vampire Northman.

It was a surreal moment…Here I was in the Piggly Wiggly, standing next to the baby food display, juggling sacks of coffee, dripping water, and trying not to smile like an imbecile at the two very shocked vampires.

Normally, I would have been very professional and greeted them in a semi-formal, yet friendly manner. That’s what I had practiced and what I had intended to do the next time I met the Viking vampire. But, that didn’t exactly happen.

What did happen: I instantly became mesmerized by the way the vampires’ pale skin looked in the fluorescent lighting, it actually gave their skin a blue tinge. What I said: “Wow, this lighting is not very flattering to you guys, huh?”

It was an awkward moment for everyone. It took a few seconds to realize what I had said. I started to do a little something that I’ll call ‘the dance of the idiot.’ I started to do a little jog in place to help me wake up, which caused me to almost drop my basket, and this caused a huge spray of rain and mud droplets to fly off of my mud-caked, yellow poncho onto several shelves of the baby food. Oh - and let’s not forget the odd noises that I started squawking, in a horrible attempt to apologize.

“Oh, no, no, no. WHAT am I saying? I’m just really tired. I didn’t mean that to sound like that.” I let out a really pathetic, fake laugh. “Wow, this is a surprise. I would never, ever have thought that I would see you two here. Together. Ever! Weird, huh?”

Mr. Bill the vampire smiled weakly at me, I guess it was an attempt on his part to reassure me. Compton looked at the Viking vampire and then he stopped smiling. The Viking’s face was blank, void of any expression except his eyes, which reminded me of shark eyes - dark and deadly.

“So, whatcha doing in this area? I’ve never seen you here before. Do you shop here a lot?” Yes, that’s it, Jo. Change the subject and pretend like you didn’t just insult them.

Northman broke the silence for the two of them. “I have rental property in the area that I was checking on. Is that alright with you.?”

“Oh, sure – sure! Of course!”

The Viking looked down at my basket and noticed the three bags of Star Buck’s coffee, Sumatra blend. “It looks like you’re a big coffee lover. You’ll have to stop by Fangtasia sometime, I serve the same blend.”

I just looked back at him stunned. Was he being friendly? Respond positively, Jo!

“No way! Really, you like Sumatra coffee?” Okay, a little too much gushing.

Oh, no. I could feel my punchy side coming back and I was trying my hardest to suppress it, but it was a real struggle. It was like I was possessed.

“Sheriff, are you feeling alright?” Vampire Bill looked genuinely concerned for me, why I don’t know. He looked like he had a headache, too.

“Hey, I’m just tired. I’m exhausted. Been going practically twenty-four-seven for the last three days and I’m getting a little punchy, you know. You know what I mean, right?” I gave them both a big smile to reassure them. Vampire Bill did a nice fake laugh, and the Big Dead Guy, AKA the vampire Viking, just stood there with no expression.

I looked down and noticed that they had a cart full of charcoal, matches, and lighter fluid. “Having a barbeque?” The Big Dead Guy replied, “Something like that.”

For a second, the thought crossed my mind and of course I blurted it out, “You’re not barbequing someone, are you?” I let out a genuine laugh because I thought what I said was really funny.

It only took two seconds to realize my faux pas, and my good mood vanished. Oh, God. Did I just say that out loud?

Vampire Bill looked mortified and the Viking vampire looked – scary. His eyes were shinning.

Back peddle, Jo, back peddle. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. Sorry guys…eh, I mean…males…what do you call yourselves? Look...I’m too, too tired. I been doing eighteen hour shifts, I just said that again, huh? I don’t know what I’m saying. I really shouldn’t be talking, even!” Then I did something that I will never understand – to show that I was jesting, I thought I would do a ‘no harm done’ arm slap - on vampire Northman’s left forearm.

As soon as I touched him, I knew it was a mistake. He didn’t laugh like I had hoped. Instead, he drew back as if I had burned him with a poker. His eyes narrow and let out a noise that sounded like a hissed.

A long, awkward pause followed.

Vampire Bill did a little throat clearing thing. “Sheriff, Eric doesn’t like to be touched.”

He had a slightly bored expression on his face, like he’s had to explain this more than one time.

“I bet that’s a pain for your sex partner!” WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING? Shut up, Jo!

I was so embarrassed, that I decided to try and laugh it off. Unfortunately, the laugh had a slightly insane sound to it. I choked while suppressing it and then had to stop the urge to cry.

Vampire Bill was biting on his lip; I swear it looked like he was trying not to laugh.

Vampire Eric’s face changed expressions by the second, from anger to fury, back to anger, and then oddly enough, he stared at me with a look of curiosity. Was that a smile that just flashed across his face? No, no way, I must have imagined it.

I felt like an idiot and I started to mimic a fish out of water. I was opening and closing my mouth, over and over again. “Oh, geez, really, I didn’t mean that.” I could feel sweat break out on my upper lip. “I’m sure you don’t have sex. OH, you do! I heard about the wild sex stuff y’all get in to – I mean do. Not that you would do that…I mean I don’t know if you have sex, but why would – never mind.”

My mind was now raging at my tongue. Shut up! Shut up! Jesus Christ and everybody in the Last Supper painting, please make me shut up!

The Viking face had taken on a patronizing smirk, “Sheriff, I think you need to re-think your motives at this time. I wonder if your intentions are as harmless as you imply.”

This was the moment that I realize that both of my feet could comfortably fit into my mouth. “Well, Mr. Northman, I thought the same thing about you when I met Miss Sookie Stackhouse.”

Why tongue, why?

Time stood still. I stopped breathing. Good thing the vampires don’t breathe or they would be starting to hyperventilate like me.

Run. Jo, run away. Now. NOW. MOVE!

I lamely blurted, “Well, y’all have a good evening,” while nearly running around them to get away. I noticed that Mr. Bill was choking and coughing, but I did not dare look at the Viking. I did a B-line to the check-out area and forced myself to not look back. I was so grateful that I was not followed!

I made it home, safe, alive, and wide awake. All of my slap happiness had been slapped out of me.

That really did not go well, not at all like I had planned.