Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

Sunday Afternoon

Justin knew he probably looked like an overeager lap dog as he stuck his head out the 'Vette's window and faced the bright sunlight to soak in the surprisingly warm spring air. Even if it had been cold as hell, he still thought he would have done the same thing; it just felt so good to be out of the loft and actually going somewhere, anywhere. He turned at the sound of Brian snickering. "What?"

"You realize how fucking ridiculous you look with your head out the window, don't you?" his partner observed sarcastically. He didn't really mind, though, especially after Justin's emotional outburst earlier today. He actually was relieved to see the blond's mood lightening somewhat after seeing him so upset in the loft. Just the look of maybe not quite contentment but at least ease on his partner's face was enough to convince him that suggesting a little motor tour of their most-frequented spots in the Pitts had been a good idea.

"I don't care," Justin replied with conviction as he poked his head once more out the window; the temperate air lightly ruffled his hair as it warmed his face as well as his soul. He needed this; he needed to feel like he was a part of his old world again, even if it still wasn't familiar. How was he ever to recall his previous life if he couldn't be exposed to it? If it had been up to him, he would have insisted on stopping and going into every place Brian was taking him; but his partner had been so patient and understanding through this whole ordeal, and he seemed to think that actually going into all these places would be detrimental to him right now. So as much as he fucking hated it, he felt he had to accede to Brian's wishes for now. He was placing all of his hopes on tomorrow's visit to Dr. Keller. He knew better than to think that one visit to his former neurologist would solve all of his problems, but he truly hoped that at least the doctor could give him a clearer understanding of what he was up against it. Please let it be promising news – for BOTH of us.

Brian glanced over thoughtfully at his partner; the sunlight radiating off Justin's blond hair and the look of pleasure on his face at the moment made his heart swell. It was times like this when he had to do a double take just to make sure he still wasn't imagining these events. He thought back to what seemed like an eternity ago to when Justin "died" – had it just been two WEEKS ago? At times it seemed like two fucking years ago; their recent days and nights together had been full of baby steps in their relationship and attempts to reacquaint Justin with what he had lost. The pain and anguish he had felt back then, however, was still as fresh and raw as it had been on that day he thought his world had crashed forever. And no matter how much he reassured Justin, the thought of perhaps moving forward from the day they were reunited and having to practically start over in their relationship filled him with trepidation and uncertainty – uncertainty that they just might never get back what they had had.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard Justin eagerly asking, "Where are we going first?"

"Well, we're closest to the Liberty Diner where you used to work so we'll stop there first. Debbie still works there, you know."

"Brian….." There was hesitation in the voice he knew so well. He glanced over at his partner's face, noticing a question unspoken on his lips. "What is it, Justin?" he prodded patiently, although he had a good idea what the blond was going to ask him before he said it aloud.

"Couldn't we go in?" came the predicted question. Brian had to admit - at least he was as persistent as usual. It had started the day he showed up right after they had fucked for the first (and what he thought was the last) time and was apparently continuing to this day, several years later. He sighed softly before slowly pulling the 'Vette over to the side of the road and killing the motor. Removing his sunglasses, he turned in his seat to face his partner.

"I thought we had already talked about this, Justin," he replied softly, trying to keep the exasperation from creeping into his tone of voice. "You know what's going to happen if you walk in there? Well, I'll tell you – practically everybody in the fucking place is going to recognize you instantly – that is, at least AFTER they get over the shock of seeing you alive – and they will want to know all about how you survived the accident. And all it will take is one person blabbing to the fucking media and you will be the leading story in tomorrow's newspapers plus on the morning news and have reporters following you for at least the next few weeks every place you go bombarding you with a barrage of questions – are you prepared to handle that?" he asked him pointedly. He pinched his nose as he felt the slight tinge of a tension headache starting to emerge. He wasn't going to back down from his opinion, however; Brian had seen how Justin had reacted after his bashing – if anyone came within so much as ten feet of him, or worse dared to touch him, the blond immediately withdrew into a shell as he shrunk back from them in fear. If he thought he was hounded after that occurred, just wait until the fucking reporters find out about the "miracle man" from the "unsurvivable" Harrisburg train accident. His partner – hell, BOTH of them – wouldn't get a moment's peace, right when he felt it was important that Justin be able to concentrate on his recovery. He only hoped his partner understood the ramifications of what he was asking. It seemed like such a simple question, but it was one that had all sorts of possible problems associated with it. "Justin…..," he began again as he noticed his partner about to protest. "I know how badly you want to get back to a normal way of life, but Sunshine, really – the accident was only two weeks ago." Two weeks of torture for him, but in the calendar of life, such a brief period of time. "Do you understand why I don't want to rush through all this, especially before you've had a chance to see Dr. Keller? I really respect him – he managed to help you recover fully last time from an extremely serious injury." One Brian hadn't been sure he would ever recover from; he brushed that thought out of his head to continue. "You need to wait until you see him before you undertake any more self-healing measures."

"You mean like traveling here with Andrew to Babylon?" Justin pressed him. He noticed Brian wince at the sound of the other man's name, even though he tried to hide it; he supposed he would probably always get that same response to his friend's name, even though he and Brian were back together and Andrew was out of the picture. What else could he do to make Brian relax when he simply mentioned the other man's name? After all, when he stayed with Andrew, he had nowhere else to go and he didn't even remember his partner, except in those vivid dreams he was constantly having. So it was Brian, in a way, who had precipitated his trip to Babylon in the first place. He only wished that he could have known then what he knew NOW so they hadn't had to waste any more time reuniting than they did.

Brian pursed his lips in a tight line before responding; even now the mention of that other man's name made him strangely insecure; perhaps it was because instead of him being the one that Justin gravitated to in one of his greatest times of need, he wound up leaning on that conniving doctor instead. It was obvious from the first moment Brian had laid eyes on the man that he had more than a professional interest in his partner. Well, Pal, your time with him is OVER, he thought possessively. Out loud he responded simply in an even tone of voice, "Yeah….something like that."

Justin nodded his head; he didn't quite agree with Brian's insistence on laying low for a while longer, but he supposed deep down he understood. Perhaps right now in his current state of mind Brian actually knew him better than he knew himself. He fucking hated this game of subterfuge, though; he despised this sneaking around with his proverbial tail between his legs. Sighing in temporary defeat, however, he told his partner with just a hint of irritation, "Okay, Brian. I'll go along with you for now. But I won't keep slinking around town like I've done something wrong. Like I said before, enough people know by now that it can't be kept a secret for long. I mean, look at Emmett. He found out from Michael at the diner – the SAME one you're taking me to NOW! How long do you think we can keep this a secret? I think it would be better just to get it out in the open, but I'm willing to wait and see what Dr. Keller thinks about it." A sudden, dreadful thought occurred to him. "Brian…..If everyone thought I died in that train accident, what about my records? Have I been declared dead? Maybe I can't even get access to my records or my bank account – if I EVEN have one, that is. Maybe I sucked so much at making a living as an artist that I don't have any more money to my name than I did when I was in Harrisburg and worried about where I was going to go after my discharge."

Brian smirked. "Believe me, Sunshine, you couldn't be farther from the truth. In fact, you were coming back here to the Pitts to live because you'd become so successful you could live anywhere and paint. You were planning on finding a studio near the loft to work out of and travel to New York City when you needed to for gallery showings and promotional work. And as far as your bank account goes," he added, "you've managed to squirrel away a damn fair amount of cash. I don't think you've got anything to worry about as far as expenses go." He smiled fondly. "You always were an independent little twat. You always hated it when I tried to take care of you. So as soon as the money started coming in, you socked away as much as you could so you couldn't be accused of being some twinkie boy toy of mine going after my money as well as my ass," he cracked. "Not that you ever were, really," he added softly. A lot of people through the years had whispered that behind their backs, and sometimes he knew to his unspoken regret that Justin had had a hard time not believing it, especially when Brian would grab some guy and pull him into the back room for a quick blow job or a fuck. But the truth was, no matter how much he had tried to push Justin away initially, from the first morning that the blond had impertinently stood up to him in the shower, he never would have been able to let him go.

"By the way, just so you know," he pointed out. "You're on my health insurance policy at Kinnetik, so your treatment at Alleghany General will be covered through that. So you don't have to worry about all your money being sucked down the drain because of medical expenses," he assured him, a soft smile on his face. One of the first things he had done when he opened Kinnetik was open up the employees' insurance coverage to their spouses as well as partners; Justin had been the first person afforded that designation on Kinnetik's medical coverage as an additional insured party under Brian's name.

Justin nodded, oddly touched by Brian's gesture. It was one more way that Brian showed him how much he cared for him. This man was a constant surprise to him, it seemed. "But what about my bank account, Brian? If everyone thinks I'm dead, the funds must be frozen by now." He shook his head. "I can only imagine how fucking difficult it's going to be to become undead."

Brian reached over and took Justin's left hand; fortunately, it had healed enough by now that he no longer had to wear the sling from the result of his brief bout of temper at Babylon last week; the hand was healing nicely now. "Actually," he divulged quietly, his eyes boring into his partner's light blue ones. "We have a joint account at Pittsburgh First Financial. I never told them about your death." He choked slightly on the last word; even now, even though he knew his partner was very much alive, he still tripped on that word. Just putting Justin's name and the word death in the same sentence was much too painful to even contemplate. "I…..I couldn't make myself do it." He looked down at his lap and he continued to absentmindedly stroke light circles on top of his partner's hand with his thumb as he whispered, "I guess it was one more way that I could deny what had happened and maybe somehow change it." He looked up to meet his partner's gaze. "I'm glad I didn't now…..for a lot of reasons."

Justin bit his upper lip as he stared at the myriad of emotions sweeping across his partner's handsome face. He thought he could see relief and pain mixed in with a little embarrassment at his heartfelt confession. He got the distinct impression that laying his emotions bare, even to him, was difficult for this proud man. He felt honored that Brian could feel comfortable enough with him to peel some of the private layers away to reveal some of his susceptibilities. Justin squeezed Brian's hand in yet another sign of silent affirmation that he was really here, with him, and he wasn't going anywhere. Trying to make light of a suddenly electrically-charged situation, he said teasingly, "Well, as long as you didn't take advantage of my apparent demise to drain my bank account."

"You mean OUR bank account," Brian corrected, responding in the same teasing tone of voice. The emotional, raw moment was quickly covered up by their good-natured bantering as they smiled at each other before Brian released Justin's hand and started the 'Vette back up. "Well, I'd say it's time we start your tour now, Mr. Taylor," he advised his partner as he veered the car back into traffic slowly and headed toward the diner located a few blocks away.


A few minutes later, the sports car slowed down and parked across the street in front of a rather small diner situated on the corner of Liberty and Fremont; a cheery-looking rainbow-colored flag flowed gently in the warm breeze over the front door. It was early afternoon and if the flow of people walking by as well as entering and leaving the establishment was any indication, the place was fairly busy at the moment. Fortunately for the two men seated in Brian's vehicle, the pedestrian traffic seemed too occupied with their own lives presently to notice Justin's intense stare at the diner where he had worked so many times alongside Debbie, Michael's mother.

"I can't tell you how many fucking times we spent in that place," he heard Brian tell him softly; he thought he heard almost a tender tone in his inflection as he spoke. "Me and Mikey, Debbie, of course, Emmett and Ted, sometimes Blake or Cal, Drew – Em's football stud," he smiled at that thought. Who would have ever thought that a nelly queen such as Emmett Honeycutt would wind up in a relationship with one of the NFL's star quarterbacks? But despite his skepticism, they had seemed happy together during their somewhat brief relationship and Drew Boyd had actually derived enough encouragement and courage from Emmett to reveal his gay status to a surprised audience live at the local TV station, of all places. Even though the two of them eventually parted ways, they had managed to remain friends. He grimaced silently at that thought – was that what he and Justin were destined to be if he didn't recover his memories of their past together – just friends? He swallowed the bile that arose in his throat at the distasteful thought – as far as HE was concerned, he and Justin could NEVER, EVER be just friends; he loved the man way too much. "You were certainly there all the time, too," he recalled fondly. "Either working or not. You were pretty much there from the get-go."

"I was?" Justin asked him curiously. "Is that how we met – because I worked at the diner and you came in that night?" Brian had started to tell him how they had first met on the drive back from Harrisburg, but Justin had peppered him with so many questions about his past that they had moved onto another subject before Brian had had a chance to elaborate on the first time they met and the night that his son, Gus, was born. Somehow the idea of him impressing someone like Brian while he worked at a fairly nondescript diner didn't quite gel – Brian Kinney coming to eat one evening after a day at work, no doubt dressed up in some outrageously-expensive Armani business suit with a leather Gucci briefcase meeting some young, blond twinkie wearing a soiled apron and carrying a large plastic tub of dirty dishes? He wondered how in the world he ever got the attention of this casually elegant, confident man sitting next to him who was established and successful enough that he owned a multi-million dollar business.

"No, Sunshine, it didn't quite happen like that," Brian murmured, smiling at the memory of that fateful night. "I forgot that I never got to finish my story in the car. We certainly interacted a lot at this diner," he began, looking over at the smallish eatery where their lives had intertwined so many times and in so many ways – some good times, certainly, but also some extremely painful times. Brief flashes of days filled with tension and longing filtered through his mind as he thought of their tortuously-long separation after Justin had left the Rage party with…..him. He didn't even want to acknowledge the barely-a-man who had almost stolen his partner out from under him with his actual name – he wasn't worthy of it. Somehow if he didn't say the name, also, it almost made it seem like a bad dream instead of one of the most emotionally gut-wrenching, lonely times of his fucking life. "Brian?" he heard Justin whisper softly, concerned. He blinked to return to the present as he turned to face his partner's worried gaze, Justin's sapphire eyes wide with curiosity. "Is something wrong?"

Brian closed his eyes as he felt Justin's long-fingered hand brush softly against his cheek. Justin curved his palm around the smooth skin to cradle it for a few seconds as the brunet relished the unexpected caress. He mourned the loss shortly afterward of his partner's familiar touch when Justin released his light hold on him and patiently waited for Brian to answer his query.

Brian let out a soft huff of breath between his lips, trying to release the bad memories along with it. "No, I'm fine," he reassured his partner, smiling a little to try to convince himself of that as well. "Just….thinking of something I'd actually rather forget about it that happened in the past," he explained vaguely. He shook his head side to side as if to say, it's not worth worrying about now. Deliberately steering their conversation toward a more pleasant topic, he grinned. "Let me tell you about where and how we really met."


Amid their lengthy conversation in the car and several stops later at PIFA, Woody's, St. James, the now-closed baths they used to frequent, and Jennifer's old condo where Justin had grown up, they finally arrived at Kinnetik. Brian had opted to reserve this and Britin for last because he knew they could actually get out of the car and go inside without worrying about Justin being discovered and receiving unwanted attention.

"What's this?" his partner asked, as Brian stopped the 'Vette directly in front of the old, brick bathhouse building that now housed his advertising headquarters and opened the driver's side door. "We're getting out?" Justin pressed, not able to prevent a touch of excitement from appearing in his voice. His body ached with the stiffness of having to sit inside Brian's car for the last couple of hours, no matter how much he squirmed on the leather seat in an attempt to get more comfortable.

"Yeah, we're getting out," his partner confirmed, twisting his body around and swinging his long legs out of the driver's seat.

As Justin rose from the car, he took a better look at the building they had parking in front of; from the outside, it looked like any other brick building you would see on any urban street – fairly ordinary and rather squat. The only unusual features he noticed were the heavy-looking metal door and the front windows that faced out onto the street – they were oddly made of those glass-block windows you would typically see in either a home's basement or in a bathroom window placed there for privacy, except that these were in a curving design. He frowned slightly, puzzled at the need for this type of construction in an office building. While he waited for his partner to join him by the car, he took the opportunity to stretch his arms over his head to work some circulation into his muscles; sitting in Brian's low-slung car for so long had made him stiff as a board. It felt so good just to get out for a change.

"Welcome to the world-wide headquarters of Kinnetik, Inc.," Brian announced in a melodramatic tone of voice with a twisted grin, sweeping his arm out and extending his hand in grandiose style like he was some type of handsome tour guide. He smirked a little at his comment; he only wished this was just one location of Kinnetik. Perhaps one day, in the not so distant future, he WOULD have other locations in the advertising meccas of the globe – from New York City, Justin's former conquered world, to Paris, London, Los Angeles, even more exotic places like Singapore, Tokyo, and Beijing. Of course, he could never imagine such a large-scale dream being fulfilled without the man who was accompanying him today standing by his side, because somewhere along the line his goals had changed from mastering the world of advertising alone to wanting to show Justin all of it. He turned to gaze at his partner, who appeared to be studying the outside of the building intently as if he were either trying to memorize it all over again or, more to Brian's wishful thinking, recognizing some of its features.

"Does any of it look familiar?" he asked; he tried to sound neutral so he didn't come across as pressuring Justin, but he couldn't quite keep the hopeful, anxious tone out of his voice. He and Justin had not only come here in the past to participate in several hot and heavy fuck sessions while it was still a bathhouse, but his partner also been the first person he had shown the new headquarters to as soon as Jennifer had helped him close on it; he remembered how excited he had been to show it off. Brian had been a little afraid that Justin would think he was crazy to try and turn a dilapidated, padlocked building into his new headquarters, but he should have realized that from an artist's viewpoint, Justin would find the curves and angular lines of the architecture fascinating. And he had – from the moment he had escorted him inside, Justin's eyes had lit up, not from reminiscences of their past romps together in its former capacity, but from the potential the building had for Brian. That is, once he got past the unbelievable irony of Brian turning one of their former haunts into his worldwide headquarters. The two of them had shared a good laugh over that; Justin had even pointed out it was the first place where they had fucked in public. As he waited for Justin's response, he reflected upon how long ago and far removed from the present that seemed at the moment.

Justin released a breath; he would have liked to tell Brian that it invoked all kinds of memories, but he knew if he did, it would be a lie. Brian had told him he never lied to him; he felt like he owed him the same respect. "No," he answered then truthfully. "I'm afraid it doesn't. It's an interesting building, though – it's got good bones."

Brian frowned as he bit back his disappointment. "Good bones?"

Justin smiled a little; at least he felt comfortable talking about the esthetic beauty of the building. "I just mean it has character. I like the contrast of the curving lines with the square, boxy ones. We're going in, aren't we? I'd love to see the inside."

Brian nodded. "You bet your ass, Sunshine," he cracked, trying to keep the mood light despite his sadness that Justin didn't recognize the building that housed the business that he had named. Bringing Justin to Kinnetik was one of the stops he had hoped would help jar his partner's memory the most; finding that it didn't made him feel melancholy all of a sudden. Well, feeling sorry for himself wasn't going to help matters. He reached over to take Justin's hand as he said, "Come on – let's go in." Justin nodded; as Brian's hand firmly but gently grasped his own, Justin felt an inexplicable nervousness as Brian used his free hand to jam the key into the lock and swing the heavy entrance door open.

The interior of the nondescript building was surprisingly bright; Brian had noticed the rather low-light atmosphere that had served its previous use as a bath house well and had wisely chosen to have several skylights installed during the remodeling. That move had created a huge difference in the interior's natural lighting and had brightened the space considerably. "This way," he told Justin, who was standing near the entrance apparently trying to soak in the features of the various changes to the building. Justin turned to look at him a little sheepishly as he realized he had been standing virtually immobilized taking everything in; now that he was finally seeing his partner's business headquarters where he had apparently become so successful, he wanted to see all of it. He hurried a little to catch up with the brunet, whose long legs were striding down a short hallway to come to a stop at an impressive-looking glass and cherry wood door. Turning the handle to open it, he stood to the side to allow Justin to enter his office first.

"Wow," Justin exclaimed, as he studied the expansive room. He realized now how the curved windows factored into the remodeling; they composed a very unique and impressive wall along one side of the room, allowing light to pour in while at the same time allowing total privacy for its occupant. Somehow he knew without a doubt what this room was. "This is your office." He phrased it as a statement rather than a question. The room, with its vibrant, clean and contemporary feel, seemed to suit Brian to a T – confident, bold, elegant, and ahead of its time.

Brian twisted his mouth in some surprise at the comment. "I thought you didn't recognize this place," he pointed out.

"I don't," his partner answered flatly. "I just think this room…feels like you. It matches your attitude."

Brian raised his eyebrows. "Oh? And what attitude would that be?" he wondered curiously.

Justin's face flushed a little. "Well, it's got elegant lines while still classic. It doesn't overwhelm you trying to make a statement – it's understated but at the same time confident." He rolled his eyes. "I know – that sounds so lame, doesn't it?" he groaned, covering his eyes briefly with his hands in embarrassment. He sounded like he was critiquing some house he wanted to buy or something, instead of commenting on his partner's office. Brian would have expected a more intelligent answer than that. He was surprised though when he uncovered his eyes and found Brian looking at him as if he were pleased instead.

"You're amazing," he told Justin, who found himself flushing again, but this time as a result of the unexpected compliment. "No one else would have even realized what I was aiming for when I designed this room, but YOU did – even though you don't remember it." Brian decided it was yet another way that his partner knew him better than anyone else did – or ever would. That was also why it was worth it to keep working at getting their relationship back to the way it was – he missed their old connections so fucking much. "I'm glad you like it," he added softly. He decided he would wait until later to tell Justin that he had actually helped him pick out the colors and furniture that he had decided to use, too.

Brian noticed that Justin was no longer looking at him, but at a painting on the far wall. He watched as the blond slowly moved closer to it, as if he were a moth drawn to a candle. He watched as the blond's eyes studied the realistic portrait. "This…is Gus, isn't it?" he said, his voice barely above a whisper as he studied the painting of a young boy who looked so uncannily like his father playing on the floor with a model train set. The almost angelic, smiling face that Justin had captured was aglow with fascination and wonder as he raised a caboose in the air to show it to some unseen visitor.

He felt the brunet's hands on his shoulders and his warm breath wafting over his face as Brian placed his head on top of the feathery blond hair to stare at the portrait that had instantly become his all-time favorite painting. "Yes," he said softly, his voice creating a vibration against Justin's head as he spoke. Justin could feel the emotion in his tone as he added, "I think it's the best painting you've ever done. And believe me, Sunshine, you've done some pretty incredible work over the last few years. Everything from impressionist work to still lifes to portraits. I don't know," he whispered nostalgically. "Maybe….maybe it's the subject matter." He smirked. "Sonny Boy's a hard act to follow…..he always did know how to get his way, just like a certain blond I know," he added as he impulsively twisted his head to place a small kiss on Justin's cheek before nuzzling his face against the soft skin. He was oddly elated to hear a slight sigh escape from his partner's lips – he chose to think it was from pleasure or contentment rather than sorrow or longing. At any rate, he was just glad Justin didn't try to rebuff his action. "You gave me that as a congratulatory gift at the grand opening of Kinnetik, and it was the first thing I put on the wall. It certainly is a nice step up from the previous graffiti artwork of the bath house," he quipped, getting a small rumble of laughter from Justin at the comment.

He somewhat reluctantly removed his head from Justin's but maintained the luxury of keeping his hands on the blond's slender shoulders for a few moments longer, relishing the familiar feel of the soft, warm flesh he knew so well. He closed his eyes in an attempt to heighten and embrace the sensation, yet one more affirmation that his partner was back with him. He heard Justin say softly, almost so low he didn't catch it, "I'd like to see him, Brian."

Brian's breathing hitched as the unexpected aha moment hit him. In all the excitement of finding out Justin was alive, he hadn't even contacted Mel and Lindsey yet to tell them what had happened. He had promised them both that he would return within a couple of weeks to carry out his promise to tell Gus that his Poppa would never be coming to see him again. Thankfully now he wouldn't have to tell Gus that the man he loved so deeply and thought of as his second father wasn't dead but alive – maybe not quite alive and fully well, but still far removed from the condition he had dreaded revealing to his son. Was it just possible that Gus could succeed at helping Justin recover when everyone – and everything – so far had failed?

On the other hand, how would Gus handle seeing his "second father" in the condition he was in? Would he realize that Justin had changed? And how would Justin handle seeing a little boy who idolized him and loved him, knowing that he didn't recognize him? Would it be awkward and actually make things worse? It was almost impossible to tell – everything that had happened since Justin had returned had to be carried out without a script because when it came to his situation, there simply wasn't one.

"I'd like Gus to see you, too," he told him. Justin had no idea just how much he was looking forward to that sweet reunion. "He's wanted to see you so ever since I went to visit him in Toronto last week. He kept asking me where his Poppa was." He felt the words catch in his throat as he recalled their time together then and how he had to keep skirting around the issue of why Justin wasn't with him like he normally would have been. He knew Gus would dearly love to see his "other father," and he thought it might do his partner good. But he wanted to be honest with Justin, however. "It's just that…..," he noticed Justin turn his head to gaze back at him with a little concern, the unspoken question of but what written clearly on his face. "I'm just not sure if it's the best move at the moment." He heard the blond groan as if to say not again as he turned Justin in his arms to face him for an explanation. "What I mean is – Gus isn't going to understand why you don't remember him like everyone else does. He's just a little boy, Justin. To him, he will just know that the Poppa he remembers and loves isn't treating him the same way he always does. He will notice there's a difference in you. I just don't want either one of you getting upset when things don't go the way you – or he – hopes they do." He knew he sounded almost cruelly blunt, but he had promised Justin – and himself – to tell the truth at all times and he wasn't backing down from that now, no matter how painful it might be. Justin's and Gus' reunion might do Justin a world of good, but he had to think about his son here, also.

Justin cursed inwardly as he felt the tears spring into his eyes; damn it – he was tired of being treated like some awkward little child himself and being handled with kid gloves. He understood intellectually what Brian was saying; the last thing he wanted to do was upset or confuse Brian's little boy. But from the first moment he had dreamed of the little brown-haired tot with the sparkling dark-green eyes and the expressive face, he had felt some sort of bond with him. He hadn't quite understood it – maybe he still didn't quite understand it – but it was still there. It was what had caused him to make the boy a focal point of the painting he had done in Harrisburg – the one he had urged Brian to bring home with them. The same painting that Brian had made careful pains to hang in a prominent spot on one of his loft's walls soon after they had returned to Pittsburgh. And now he wanted him to wait? His rational side warred with his emotional one as he fought to understand – and accept – Brian's decision. When it came down to it, though, Gus was still Brian's son, not his. He had to believe, then, that for now Brian knew best and as hard as he found it, he had to go along with his decision and trust that he was right.

"Justin…." Brian whispered, his voice breaking a little; God, he hated it when his partner was upset – Justin always did wear his heart on his sleeve, almost like some fragile bird that was afraid someone would break his wing any second and he could no longer fly again. And the look on his partner's face was one he always dreaded seeing – it was one of disappointment but also resigned sorrow. He was getting so tired of having to disappoint him – lately it seemed like everything they did just led to the same dark road. When were they going to start going in the right direction for a change rather than backtracking?

"No…don't say it, Brian. I don't like it, I don't necessarily agree with it, but I understand it." He grated out the word distastefully as he pried himself out of his partner's arms and turned away from the compelling portrait of Brian's son. Brian's son. When would he be his son again? Would he ever be? Okay, Justin – quit acting like a spoiled brat who isn't getting what he wants and think about the others for a change. He took a deep, calming breath and let it out slowly. "I think I've seen enough. Can we please go?" he asked almost painfully. What he had hoped might happen when they came in here as usual wasn't going to. It was time to move on and hope things would change somewhere else. But as he was exposed to more and more people and places that should be familiar to him and he came away with the same tired, empty, unfamiliar feeling, his hope that he would ever recover his past experiences was fading like the sun presently casting long shadows through the building's windows. He shook his head sadly in silence as he turned and walked out of Brian's office.

Brian watched his partner walk past him, the dejection written clearly on his beautiful but sad face. He figured Justin wouldn't be too happy with his decision about not going to visit Gus yet. Maybe he was being too careful here, for both Justin's AND his son's sake. After all, the only flicker of recognition today had been when Justin had looked at his son's portrait; shouldn't he be trying to encourage that feeling, then, rather than squelching it? He only wished he knew what he was doing here; he wasn't a damned medical professional, though. He resolved to discuss it with Dr. Keller tomorrow during their visit with him; he knew he was counting on the doctor, perhaps a little TOO much, to answer all of their burning questions; he only hoped his confidence in Dr. Keller wouldn't be misplaced tomorrow.

They had visited numerous spots today that Brian had held out hope would rekindle a spark of recognition in his partner's face, but except for the portrait of Gus, they had all failed to do what he had desperately hoped they would do – restore just a little of Justin's memories as well as a little hope, too. As he hurried to catch up with his partner outside, he reflected on the one additional stop in store for them today, one more glimmer of optimism – his trump card, Britin.

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