Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

Babylon/Pulse – Saturday Afternoon

Justin felt a definite sense of déjà vu as Brian slowed down in front of his club. The feeling wasn't due to remembering it from before his accident; it was actually due to the recent side trip he and Andrew had made in an attempt to rekindle some of Justin's memories. After Brian had explained how many radical changes he had made to the old Babylon to turn it into a brand new club with a brand new name to match, Justin realized how fruitless it had probably been to try and jog his memory. The club wouldn't have resonated anyway with all the remodeling Brian had done; Justin would have only remembered it from before the changes were made.

Still, he was hopeful that with Brian by his side, and his ability to see the inside this time as well as the outside, perhaps this would be the day that his memory came rushing back in abundance. He knew somewhere deep in his heart that it probably would never happen that way, but he still held out hope that maybe he would be proven wrong somehow.

"You've been awfully quiet on the drive over here," Brian commented softly, interrupting Justin's thoughts. He turned to look at the brunet as they sat in his 'Vette in front of the club; the look on his partner's face was both one of concern as well as curiosity. "What are you thinking about?" he asked him, his eyes gazing at him thoughtfully.

Justin looked down in his lap. "I was just thinking about the other time I had been here last week…..with Andrew," he admitted.

He didn't see the fleeting look of jealousy that appeared briefly on his partner's face at the sound of the doctor's name; even though Justin was firmly back in his life, and they had made some headway in restoring their previous relationship, the thought of his partner sharing his life with another man still made Brian seethe with resentment. Just when Justin needed him the most, he wasn't there – that other man was. That thought would haunt him for a long time – until his partner hopefully regained his memory of just what the two of them meant to each other.

"Brian?" He glanced over at the blond at the sound of his name being called. He forced a slight smile of reassurance on his face as he told his partner, "Let's go in, okay?" Justin nodded as they mutually opened the car doors and got out. Brian searched in his pocket for the key to the entrance door; as he jiggled it in his left hand, he extended his right hand out to his partner; to his relief, Justin reached out to grasp it easily and without any further urging. He felt reassured by the warmth of that hand held so tightly in his as they walked together up to the steps of the old Babylon.

Brian swung the door open widely to allow Justin a comprehensive look at the newly-refurbished Pulse. The old dark dance floor had been completely redone in a futuristic, techno look awash with chrome and black marble. The new two-tiered dance floor was constructed so it would slowly revolve while the music was being played, and the bar was now on two levels for easier access. Thankfully the back room was still intact, where so many memories of the two of them together – mostly happy ones, some not-so-good ones, and some just plain sad and discouraging ones – had been carved. Even the back room, however, had been cleaned and repainted a different color and the configuration had been reshaped to offer more privacy for couples, so even IT would not seem very familiar to Justin now, either. For the second time in less than 24 hours, Brian felt a tinge of regret that he had not left the old club intact as it was; perhaps the club, above every place else, would have held the key to Justin regaining his memory. After all, it was right outside this club that first night where his and Justin's destinies had intertwined to be firmly joined forever. What was done was done, however, and it could not be changed now. Brian's main source of hope today, then, lay in Justin's friends he had invited over this afternoon. He also recalled he owed an apology to Blake, something he was not particularly looking forward but still nevertheless felt was necessary.

He looked over now at Justin, and his heart caught in his throat as he stared at his partner standing in the middle of the dance floor as he studied all the nuances of the club. The picture of him standing there brought back so many happy memories of nights they had stood in almost that same exact spot, their bodies swaying as one to the electrifying pulse of the hard-beating music; Justin's hands braced around his waist as his own arms were casually draped over the slender shoulders. A sudden inspiration hit him. "Justin, stay there," he commanded softly, as he rushed over to the newly-improved sound system he had had installed the week before. He had replaced all of the old songs with new ones, so unfortunately he couldn't play one that Justin would easily recognize; for now, one of the new songs would have to do. Quickly making a choice, he punched in the necessary code and pushed the play button. As the music softly rose in volume, he jumped down to rejoin his lover.

Justin's face shone in the soft spotlight shining overhead; his blond hair almost glowed and his blue eyes sparkled in the light. Brian never thought he looked more beautiful than he did at that moment, and he felt his eyes misting over with nostalgia mixed in with a little melancholy – sadness for what was now and longing for what might never be again. But they still had to keep trying; to Brian there was simply no other option.

He held out his hand to find that it was shaking slightly. "Dance with me, Justin," he whispered almost reverently, holding his breath for a moment he never thought he would ever experience again.

Justin stood there transfixed for a few seconds; a sensory array of sound, sight, and touch assailed him as he placed his hand in Brian's and felt the man gently tug him toward his body as an upbeat version of the old Frankie Valli song began to play overhead:

"You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you, you'd be like heaven to touch, I want to hold you so much. At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I'm alive, 'cause you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you."

Brian gently pulled Justin into his arms as the song continued, closing his eyes in relief and pleasure as he felt the old, familiar feeling of his partner's body molding into his. It was the same touch, the same fit, the same, uniquely Justin smell that he knew so well and loved like nothing – and no one – else. He breathed out a sigh of completion as he recalled how many nights they had spent here, just like this in each other's arms, nothing but the two of them in the whole fucking world, no matter how many other guys were packed into the club at the same time. When they were together, no one or nothing else existed. It was that way then, and to Brian, it was that way still. He could only hope that soon Justin would one day feel the same way he did as they continued to rock gently to the hypnotic beat of the old love song. He felt his heart start beating faster as Justin nestled his head on his chest; Brian automatically tucked his head on top of the soft blond hair possessively, just the way he had done so many times before. They continued to sway to the music softly for several minutes, until their intimate moment was abruptly interrupted by the sound of a familiar voice gasping in disbelief, "Holy Shit!"

The two men stopped their motion and lifted their heads simultaneously to observe a pair of men standing about 10 feet away, both wearing identical looks of stunned shock on their faces as they stared at Brian's dancing partner.

Ted slowly approached the couple, unsure whether he was imagining the scene or not; he had tried very hard to believe what Blake had told him before about seeing Justin, but even he had had to admit the very notion had been impossible; now, standing in front of him and looking rather perplexed himself, was the "impossible" LIVING proof. "I…..I don't believe this," he stated breathlessly, as Blake followed closely behind him, eyes big as saucers as he stared at the same man he had seen a few days before. "Teddy….do you see who I see?" Blake asked in a hushed voice, unsure whether to believe his eyes or not, especially after the extremely intense haranguing he had received from Brian Kinney earlier in the week.

"I'm….I'm not sure," Ted stammered, looking from Brian to Justin and back to Brian for an answer. "Justin? How in the fuck is this possible?" he cried in disbelief, searching both their faces for a plausible explanation for Justin's seeming return from the ranks of the dead.

The song they had been dancing to thankfully ended soon after, enabling them to converse easier; Ted and Blake, however, were too shocked at the moment to utter anything further. "Let's go sit down," Brian finally suggested, motioning with his hand toward the newly-refurbished bar as Ted and Blake continued to stand there speechless. The couple looked at each other, both wondering if maybe they were both sleepwalking at the moment, before Ted shrugged his shoulders and took Blake's hand to lead him over to one of the chrome barstools. Brian placed his arm around Justin's slender shoulder and led him, too, over to the bar; as the blond took a seat nearby, Brian walked around behind the counter and started to pull out a bottle of Beam; glancing over at Ted, he thought better of it and instead quickly reached for the spring water tap to pour a glass for each of them. He figured Ted was in enough shock at the moment; he didn't need the slightest temptation to drink right now because there was undoubtedly reason enough sitting quietly right next to him.

"I…I don't know where to start," Ted began, stammering. He continued to stare at Justin in shock, not able to believe the man was actually sitting there as if nothing had happened to him. "I don't understand," he finally said, his mouth hanging helplessly open in utter confusion; he looked over at Brian for an answer when Justin remained strangely quiet.

Brian handed each of the men a glass of water before he began adamantly, "First of all, let me make something clear. Justin's sudden return from the dead, if you will, wasn't some type of sick joke either one of us was playing on his friends. I didn't even know he was alive until a couple of days ago." Brian deliberately didn't glance over at Blake, because he could already feel the unspoken comment just dying to roll from his lips: you would have known he WAS alive if you had only listened to me.

Ted continued to stare at his young friend, mystified as to how this was possible. "But….if you only found out a few days ago, where the hell has he been?" he asked pointedly. It had been almost two weeks since Justin had "died;" just what the fuck was going on here? "I seem to recall Blake tried to tell you Justin was alive a fucking week ago and you wouldn't believe him!" he reminded his boss, unable to keep the anger out of his voice. "Now he just shows up here out of the blue and we're supposed to act like nothing happened?"

Brian sought to placate his assistant as he worriedly looked over at Justin; his partner was normally a proud, self-sufficient, and independent man; but when he was upset, or when his world was turned upside down, like it had been so many times before, he inexplicably became withdrawn and fearful, much like he was looking now. His eyes were misting over in pain and his entire body seemed as if it were trying to shrink back into a protective shell. Brian couldn't help it when he thought Justin was being hurt, no matter what type of apology he owed Blake. At the first hint of impropriety leveled at his partner, his hackles were instantly raised.

"Now just a minute," Brian growled at Ted, just like a protective mother bear defending its cub. "Justin was in that fucking train accident, just like everyone thought! What everyone didn't know was that he survived the so-called, unsurvivable train wreck and wound up losing his memory as a result! So to answer your question, Mr. Schmidt," Brian continued, his voice full of icy scorn and contempt for his assistant's seeming lack of compassion toward his partner, "Justin didn't fucking remember his own name, let alone anyone else he used to know! It was pure luck that I happened to find out he was alive when I went to Harrisburg on business, so don't go trying to rip him a new one for something he had no control over!" His face was quickly reddening with anger at the thought anyone would assume someone as kind and sensitive as his partner would resort to such underhanded, sick tactics in order to play a joke on them.

"Brian," Justin suddenly spoke up so softly Ted almost didn't hear him. "It's all right," he told his partner gently, as he placed a slender hand over the other man's trembling one. Brian lifted his gaze to stare into his partner's eyes intently, trying silently to agree with him that he understood why Ted might have thought what he did, but he was still angry over the assumption the man had made.

"Okay, okay," Ted said apologetically, raising his hands in regret for his outburst. "I'm sorry." He looked over directly at Justin to repeat in a softer voice, "I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't know," he offered by way of explanation. "What do the doctors say about your memory loss? It's just temporary, right?"

Justin's face flickered with just a hint of pain as he replied simply in a whisper, "They don't know." He let out a small huff of breath before he continued, changing the subject so he did not have to dwell on the issue that occupied his every waking thought and dream lately. "I can understand your reaction to me. The whole thing is pretty unbelievable." He looked over at Blake, who sat on the other side of him at the bar. "I was told you actually saw me outside the club last Saturday and tried to tell Brian about it." He smiled wistfully at the other blond. "I…appreciate what you tried to do. It must have been pretty hard for you to say what you did to Brian, knowing what his response would probably be," he told the other man insightfully.

Blake nodded, surprised but grateful that Justin would realize how difficult it had been for him to approach Brian about his partner; he should have expected the man's reaction to the news, but at the time he knew he had to try anyway. It was just dumb luck that despite Brian's refusal to believe his story, somehow he had still found out the truth, even though it was a few days later. It did explain a great deal, however, except for one small detail. "That man who were with," he mentioned. "Was he a friend?" he asked innocently. He noticed a little anxiously, however, that at the sound of Justin's companion being mentioned, Brian's eyes narrowed with anger for some reason.

"That's not important," Brian retorted curtly; Justin looked over at him, a little surprised by his anger. He was with him now; was he still resentful of Andrew even now? "Brian," he chided him gently as he squeezed the tanned hand lying under his, trying to diffuse the situation. How did an attempt to apologize to Blake wind up becoming such a tense interlude? He decided he would just have to handle what Brian for some reason seemed unable to do at the moment. He turned to the man sitting on his other side and told him sincerely, "Blake….I want to thank you for trying to tell Brian about me. That was pretty brave of you, considering the circumstances. I appreciate what you tried to do for me," he repeated.

Blake nodded; Justin wouldn't have even recognized him that day if he had seen him on the street, and he supposed he really couldn't blame Brian, either. If he looked at the situation from Brian's point of view, it would have sounded outrageous; after all, everyone had been certain Justin was dead. He supposed this was one reason why you should never say never. In the case of Brian and Justin, however, it seemed like they always seemed to persevere eventually, no matter what happened. He had never really interacted all that much with Justin, either before he and Teddy had broken up, or after they had been reunited just before Justin had left for New York to pursue his career. But he still liked the young artist, and always felt that Justin, unlike Brian, was willing to try and give him the benefit of the doubt and reserve judgment on his character before he had all the facts. "I really am glad you survived the accident," he told Justin, who smiled back at him gratefully.

Ted was still trying to digest the fact that Justin and Brian were sitting there at the bar, casually having drinks with him and Blake, just like they all used to do so many times before. The whole situation seemed so surreal, kind of like an episode of the Twilight Zone. While he certainly was glad that Justin was actually alive, he was still a little perturbed at his boss for being so hard on his boyfriend a week ago when all he was trying to do was help; in fact, Blake seemed to be more forgiving of the man than HE was. "I'm glad, too, Justin," Ted told the blond sincerely. He turned back toward Brian, though, to add, "But you…" Brian looked at him, surprised by his boldness, which was so unlike Ted normally. Ted, though, however grateful he might be to Brian for his job, was not to be intimidated this time, no matter what the consequences might be. "YOU owe Blake an apology," he told his boss flatly, meeting him directly in the eyes.

Brian grimaced; the man was right – he did owe the man's boyfriend an apology. He sighed silently in resignation. He fucking hated to admit he was wrong to anyone – especially to his normally meek employee and to Blake, the former addict now turned drug counselor, of all things. But in this case, he would just have to bite the bullet and admit he was wrong – God, he hated that word! He took a deep breath before stumbling through the distasteful statement. "I'm…..sorry, Blake," he choked out haltingly. "I…..should have listened to what you had to say. You have to realize, though, how unbelievable what you told me sounded," he added by way of defense, actually directing the last comment more to Ted. Surely the man had to agree how impossible Blake's story had sounded to him.

Ted peered at his boss; he knew how hard Justin's "death" had been on him; the man had hardly eaten or slept for the first week and a half and was mainly functioning on autopilot during that time. And if he were truthful with himself, he would have to agree that Blake's claim to have seen Justin WAS highly unlikely, given the situation. Perhaps if the roles had been reversed, then, he would have reacted the same way.

Ted and Blake shared a look of mutual understanding among them; the fact that they could practically read each other's minds was what had partly led Ted to let Blake back into his life permanently in the first place. Now they both seemed to intrinsically realize that they needed to give Brian some slack here. "I guess you're right," Ted told his boss quietly as Blake nodded in agreement. "It…would have seemed pretty unbelievable if you had told me the same thing about Blake."

Brian grunted, relieved that the tense situation had finally, apparently been diffused. He looked over at Justin, whose eyes had fluttered closed while he sat at the bar while the rest of the group discussed him. His face looked paler than normal, and he seemed to be wobbling slightly on his seat. "Justin?" he called out softly, his voice full of concern; his partner looked worn out. He watched as the blond slowly opened his eyes to refocus on him. "I think it's time to go," Brian decided spontaneously, rising from his own stool to approach his tired partner. Justin opened his mouth to speak but was spared the need as Brian firmly stated, "No arguments, Sunshine. You're dead on your feet." He winced at his choice of words. "What I mean is – you look like you're worn out." He reached out to slowly pull his partner onto his feet. "Come on – you need to get some rest."

Justin might have normally argued with him – he was getting extremely tired of that word – but he had to admit to himself that he honestly was tired – despite his hope for a quick recovery, he found that it didn't seem to take much before his arm and head began to ache and his entire body felt like it was made of lead. So for once, he didn't try to protest, as he slowly slid off the stool, his hand firmly grasped protectively in his partner's. He felt Brian's thumb slowly rubbing across the top of his hand in an intuitive caress as they were followed out of the club by Ted and Blake.

As Brian locked the door behind them, the group stood for a few minutes by the entrance; by now Justin was becoming accustomed to being the subject of ongoing stares by those who were his friends. They all seemed to have the same look of incredulous disbelief, even after they have discovered his miraculous "return from the dead." He guessed it was apparently going to take some time before everyone no longer looked at him that way. He glanced over at Brian, who was the only person who did not seen to stare at him that way; rather, he often caught the man looking at him lingeringly with a mixture of love and just a little sadness. He squelched the sudden reappearance of his guilty conscious once again to divert his attention to Ted and Blake, who bid him a welcome back and a goodbye, telling him they would no doubt run him into him again soon.

At last the two men were left to themselves; without the club being officially open yet – Brian had pushed back Pulse's grand opening to next weekend – the street was surprisingly empty of people. "It's not always this quiet, is it?" Justin asked him as they walked hand in hand toward Brian's 'Vette.

Brian laughed. "Hardly," he answered. "Normally on a Saturday night there would be a ton of people around the club. Just wait until next week – I'm going to be advertising the shit out of the grand opening in the papers, around town, and on the radio – so it will be business even more than usual then." He bit his lip in thought, not quite sure how to approach a subject he was concerned about. "I don't know if it's such a good idea for you to attend," he told his partner quietly.

"Why?" Justin asked him, puzzled. "I would think being in familiar surroundings would be good for me," he maintained.

Brian, however, wasn't so convinced that this was the venue to prove that theory; on the contrary, he was worried about the consequences of his partner's return to a place in which he would be extremely familiar to most everyone who would be attending. "Justin, it's going to be wall-to-wall people, many of who will no doubt recognize you in a heartbeat. After all, you were virtually a fixture at Babylon for years until you moved to New York. Are you sure you want your "miraculous return" advertised so publicly? I remember after your bashing what happened – you were overwhelmed by all the people surrounding you everywhere you went after the trial, wanting to know how you were and all giving their opinions as to what should have happened to the fucker that assaulted you and got off practically scot free. I'm not sure, then, that appearing at the reopening of the club would be such a good idea right now." He always despised bringing up the subject of his partner's bashing – it never failed to cause him a flicker of pain inside – but he felt it was important to bring it up it in order to get his point across.

Justin tried to see Brian's point of view – he understood his concerns, he really did, but he was quickly becoming impatient with having to be shielded from the rest of the world. Everyone was going to find out soon about his surviving the accident anyway; even though his friends had made a vow to keep quiet about his return until he and Brian had decided the moment was right, he figured it was only a matter of time before someone divulged their secret unintentionally. It was only human nature – the longer it was kept secret, the more probability there was that someone would let it slip.

Brian could tell by Justin's expression that he wasn't happy with his opinion; he could tell by the frown on his beautiful face and the slight downturn of his lips. "Justin…" he began.

As they reached the 'Vette, Justin waved his free hand in a request for him to stop talking. "Don't say it," he said a little crossly. "I understand your reasoning. But Brian, I can't stay sequestered like a fucking monk forever. Everyone's going to find out anyway. We're going to have to face it sometime. Besides, I really think it's important for me to be exposed to the places I used to frequent. Don't you agree?"

Brian was torn; his partner had a point – he agreed it was important for Justin to reacquaint himself with all the places the two of them had frequented – the diner, PIFA, Kinnetik, and Woody's to name a few – but did it have to be in such a crowded and flamboyant manner? But glancing over at Justin, he realized how tired he looked at the moment and he made an impromptu decision to shelve their disagreement for another time. "Sunshine…..You make some good points," he admitted softly. "But why don't we think about it a little more? We've still got some time to make a decision about whether you should attend Pulse's grand opening. And you're scheduled to go see Dr. Keller on Monday. Maybe he'll have some more information for us about your condition; that might help us decide the best way for you to be reintroduced to the rest of gay Pittsburgh," he quipped. "Okay?" He squeezed his partner's hand tenderly as he gazed at the blue eyes he knew so well; eyes that were currently displaying both a little fatigue and uncertainty about what to do.

At the moment, Justin had to concede he was too tired to continue to argue about it. Maybe Brian was right – he was anxious as well to see Dr. Keller Monday and see what the neurologist had to say about his condition. He was both looking forward to it and dreading it; it would all depend upon what the doctor had to say. He didn't want to voice it aloud to Brian, but he couldn't help placing all of his hopes on what this doctor who had treated him previously would say; he prayed that it would be good news. He was slowly remembering miniscule bits and pieces of his life, but he still had a long way to go. The thought of not recalling everything, or if he did, not regaining his memories for years to come, filled him with sorrow and heartache. He was also worried that eventually Brian would simply tire of waiting for him to remember what he should feel for him and find someone else who could reciprocate his feelings properly.

He heaved a heavy sigh of sadness; he couldn't help feeling a little sorry for himself. He felt guilty about feeling that way, but he couldn't help it; he wanted his life back, including ALL of his memories.

"Justin?" He looked over at Brian, who was continuing to stroke his hand as he leaned against the car, waiting for his answer. Justin looked at him tenderly – this man had been so patient and loving with him since the moment he had laid eyes on him again in Andrew's apartment. Not for the first time, he wondered if he was deserving of his love; right now he was nothing but a broken shell of the man he once was. But if Brian was willing to work on finding their way back to their previous relationship, then so was he; he owed him that much – and so much more. "Okay," he agreed, a slight smile on his face as he tried to reassure his partner he was willing to defer further discussion until after they met with the doctor on Monday. "We'll wait until I see the doctor and talk about it later."

Brian squeezed his hand briefly before releasing it. "Good," he said, relieved, as he walked around to the driver's side of the car. As Justin opened the passenger door and got in, he glanced one last time at the place he had frequented so often in the past and had visited just last week with Andrew. Would it ever be familiar to him again?

Brian could feel the seeds of doubt still growing fertilely in Justin's mind. He wanted so badly to say or do something that would reassure him that he would recover fully; but he had promised Justin he would always tell him the truth, so he couldn't in good conscience provide the soothing words he would have longed to give him. As they pulled away from the curb, he could only wish desperately that the news they received on Monday would be what they both wanted to hear.

You must login (register) to review.