Since their talk at the rest stop, Brian wouldn't exactly say their conversation in the car had become a lot more animated. But the atmosphere in the car seemed to be more comfortable, and at least he felt more confident that Justin finally knew just how much he meant to him, and how determined he was to stick by him while he struggled to regain his memory of their past together. Hell, Brian really didn't have any choice; he wasn't about to let Justin out of his sight now that he knew he was here, alive, and back with him.

His hand lightly rested once again on the blond's leg; he knew it was crazy, but he just couldn't help it. He thought back about the morning after Justin had unexpectedly won the King of Babylon contest. He had run off with that Shawn person, the trick that Brian himself had been trying to pick up for hours that night. He knew Justin had done it just to teach him a lesson, and while he had never really told Justin, his partner had done just that. Because for all the nonchalant airs he had put on that morning in front of the other guys, the truth was that he had been jealous as hell that the man had been more enamored of Justin than he had been of him. And the thought of HIS….just what would he have called Justin back then – protégé? No, that sounded way too clinical. He wasn't a boyfriend back then, or certainly not his partner – not yet, anyway. Lover maybe? Perhaps. Definitely not his stalker, as Brian had denounced him as one day (the word made him wince now). The thought of his lover, then, picking up another man and fucking him all night long had driven him crazy while all sorts of things ran through his fertile mind. He recalled that Justin had said he had to end things that night when the man had become too clingy. Well, Mr. Taylor, meet Clingy Man No. 2. Except you're NOT getting rid of THIS one. Uh, uh…..

He glanced over quickly at his partner. At least Justin didn't seem bothered by the fact that Brian was constantly having to be physically connected to him somehow; currently he was looking down at his lap, his slender hands clasped together. Brian might have mistakenly thought the blond was sleeping if not for the sound of his soft, shallow breathing and the wringing motion he was currently engaging in. No doubt it was a sign of the turmoil warring inside him at the moment; Justin was obviously still extremely frustrated that his memory was not returning so quickly. He had told him about the various dreams he had had over the past two weeks, so no doubt somewhere in his mind he was remembering bits and pieces of several events, and over a fairly wide time range. Surely that was a hopeful sign. It just wasn't happening quickly enough as far as Justin was concerned. Or himself, either.

Brian was roused by his thoughts just then as he heard Justin calling his name softly, his voice barely above a whisper. "What is it, Sunshine?" he asked him, taking his eyes off the road briefly to return the blond's gaze and smile reassuringly. He would never get tired of hearing the other man utter his name – right now it was literally music to his ears.

"I was thinking….." Brian thought his partner actually sounded nervous, as well as a little embarrassed when he heard the halting lilt of his voice. "When we get to Pittsburgh, where am I going to stay? I mean, you told me about my mom and sister and all. Is that where you're taking me?"

Brian bit back his disappointment at the idea; he had actually already thought of that, but was dreading the subject. He was torn about what the right answer was. On the one hand, he knew how badly Justin's mom and sister needed to know that he was alive. Not exactly completely whole – not yet, anyway – but alive. And he knew how much his friends would certainly want to see him as well. But he also knew he couldn't bear to part with him. Call it lesbionic – he didn't care. Was it selfish of him to ask that Justin stay with him at the loft? Yes, of course it was – but so be it. Now if he could just get Justin to agree to it – that was what he was most afraid of, wasn't it? Or was he afraid of what might happen if he did agree to it? Just having his partner's oh-so-achingly-familiar body embracing his at the park was enough to make his heart pound with excitement and his own body to go into overdrive. He knew they had to take baby steps here – but could he even be in the same room with him without wanting to grab him and fuck him senseless until he couldn't breathe, walk, or speak? Somehow he would do it, though, because the alternative of only seeing him occasionally was unbearable and unacceptable.

"Brian?" He hadn't noticed his hand squeezing Justin's leg harder in frustration until he heard him calling his name again. Somewhat sheepishly, he grimaced a little before glancing over again at his partner; it was only then that he realized he still hadn't answered his question. "Where would you like to stay, Justin?" he finally asked him simply, holding his breath. Please say with ME, Sunshine.

Justin bit his lip in thought. It probably made more sense for him to stay with his family, and it might help him to regain his memories. Yet, it had been Brian he had been dreaming of and drawing for the last two weeks, NOT his friends or family. It was also Brian who he had the most connection with right now, and the one who he inexplicably felt comfortable with. Would he, then, be willing to let him stay with him? Apparently, that was where he was planning on going in the first place before he was in that horrible accident. He knew they couldn't just pick up where they had left off, but would the man agree to let him stay there for now? There was no guarantee if he did stay with his mother that he would remember anything quicker or more clearly than if he stayed with Brian. And Brian had already told him that his mother and father were divorced and she did not live in the home that Justin grew up in, so he wouldn't have any emotional connection to her condo. His sister, also, was still staying with their grandparents for another week or so. Brian's loft that he had described for him apparently held many years' of memories for him – for them both. Didn't it make the most sense, then, for him to go there if he wanted to hopefully regain what he had lost?

Brian kept glancing over at his partner as he drove, anxiously waiting for his response. He pursed his lips together, silently urging Justin to say what he hoped to hear. At last, Justin responded. "I think if it's okay with you…..," he began hesitantly, as Brian bit his lip in apprehension, "…..that…I'd like….to stay at your loft," he finished, feeling unexpectedly a little shy as if he were inviting himself to stay at a stranger's house and hoping for a hospitable answer. "If you don't mind," he added nervously.

Brian let out a soft, relieved breath, trying hard not to let the broad smile appear on his lips but only partially succeeding. He turned to smile softly at the other man, who returned his smile with a slight one of his own. "No," Brian managed to answer calmly, evenly, although his heart was doing somersaults in his chest and his pulse was beating rapidly at the relief and excitement thrumming throughout his body. Justin….home…..at the loft. He never, ever thought he would be able to say that again and his heart sang at the thought. That mantra kept playing itself over and over again internally as he added, "That would be fine with me." MORE than FINE. Try wonderful, fantastic, stupendous, thrilling and superb all rolled up into one.

Justin merely nodded as he continued to smile at the brunet. He was relieved that Brian didn't seem to have a problem with him staying at the loft. Somehow he instinctively knew this would be the best starting point for him. Not only should it help to be in a place that he should be familiar with, but Brian would be invaluable in providing him with more information about his past, at least his recent past. And now that he had a definite place to stay, he could concentrate on reconnecting with the rest of his past life and the friends and family who could help him rewire the connections back together. Maybe, even, with all their assistance, he wouldn't need professional help. He had seen more than his share of hospitals and doctors lately; hell, he had even lived with one for almost the past two weeks. He wasn't looking forward to more tests and more treatment if he didn't need them.

As he turned to gaze once more out the window, his thoughts turned briefly to Andrew. He knew the man was concerned about his welfare, and was anxious for Justin to continue his treatment. He hadn't had the opportunity to begin treatment with the doctor that Andrew had helped set him up with for hypnosis, and he knew Andrew was concerned about that. He had promised the other man that he would continue his treatment back in Pittsburgh. Was it really necessary, though, if he could accomplish the same goal by surrounding himself with people and places that he should know intimately?

As if he was reading part of his thoughts, he heard Brian speaking to him softly. "There is one thing, though, Justin," he began tentatively. As Justin looked at him puzzled, he explained. "We need to decide how to break the news to everyone…about you being alive, I mean," he elaborated. Smiling, he added, "Not that it's not the best fucking news anyone will ever hear, I'm sure. But I don't think we can just call everyone up on the phone and say, "By the way, you know that part about Justin being dead? Well, guess what – he's not!"

Justin actually laughed a little at the other man's melodramatic statement. "No, I guess we can't," he agreed.

"But by the same token, I don't think it's wise to just throw a big party and bring everyone over at the same time," he decided. Justin turned his head to look at him, his eyebrows rising in a silent request for an explanation. "I don't know shit about how the brain works," Brian told him, "especially your brain," he quipped, receiving a slight grimace from his partner. "But at the same time, I don't want you getting overwhelmed with attention right now. I think we should take things slowly, and start with your mother first. I could call her on her cell and ask her to meet us either at the loft or her condo. Would that be all right with you? I think it's only fair we let her know as soon as possible what's happened." Brian had grown to respect Justin's mother a great deal; they didn't exactly started out on the right track – not after he had taken her "baby" and promptly seduced him – but over time they had actually grown closer, based mainly on a common goal they unexpectedly found out they shared – their love for a certain blond haired, blue-eyed artist. Brian knew how devastated Jennifer had been over her son's death – the least he could do was let her share in his joy now. He also remembered how overwhelmed and fearful his partner had been the last time he had been thrust into the limelight after such a traumatic event – that awful bashing at the hands of that asshole, Chris Hobbs – and he was determined to make sure that didn't happen this time. At least this was a much happier reason for Justin to be seen in public again. But Brian was afraid that when word got out that a miracle had happened out of the awful tragedy that had occurred in Harrisburg, his partner would be besieged by attention, something Justin normally shrank from. He wanted to protect him as much as possible from this type of sensory overload for fear what it might do to him physically as well as mentally.

For some baffling reason, though, the thought of being reunited with his mother made Justin nervous. Would he know her immediately? How would he react? There was no way to know. But he did agree with Brian – the thought of meeting so many people at one time terrified him. How would he feel? How would they feel, especially if he didn't recognize them? He sighed in worry as he glanced over at the brunet, who was curiously but patiently waiting for his answer. He finally slowly nodded his head. "I think that would be best," he told him quietly.

Brian nodded in agreement; he decided not to press his partner for now but just take things one step at a time. "Well, we're about 30 minutes outside of Pittsburgh now," he told Justin. "It'll take us about 15 minutes longer to reach my loft. Why don't we hold off calling her for a while until you get acclimated a little and then I'll call and ask her to come over?" As Justin nodded his agreement, Brian secretly hoped, too, that maybe a little bit of time in the loft – with just the two of them – might help his partner to recall at least part of their life together.

As Justin turned to look out the window, he felt the light, reassuring pressure of Brian's hand on his leg, offering comfort and a link to his past; he knew Brian also hoped it would be a link to their future as well. There was no way really to know for sure what would happen. Andrew had told him as much and his inability to put most of the pieces of his past together so far were evidence of that. But he was finally going home. So how did that make him feel? Nervous, certainly. Unsure of himself, definitely. But the rest? He was a jumbled knot of emotions at the moment – excited, anxious, hesitant, exhilarated in a way but also scared. Hell, his hands were shaking right now and his heart was pumping so hard he felt like it was about to come out of his chest. He watched as the downtown skyline rushed past them as they steadfastly hurried to their destination – a destination that Justin hoped would be the start of his recovery.

That hope was currently being shared by the man sitting next to him, idly caressing the blond's upper leg just above his knee. Brian was anxious as well – curious as to what Justin would do or what his reaction would be when they got to the loft. God, they had shared so many memories there. So many events in their six years together. Good times and bad times, from their first meeting to their slowly blossoming relationship. Yes, relationship. There was no point in denying that's what it was now. After all, he had not only professed his love to Justin a year ago, he had proposed to the man. And despite what Justin thought at the time, he would have married him, too, as long as he knew it made Justin happy. When the two of them had decided not to get married, was that really what they had both wanted? At the time, it had seemed so. Now, he wasn't so sure. Would it have been such a bad thing if it HAD involved some type of change or sacrifice? Wasn't there always some type of give and take when it came to important events in your life? Back then, he really thought they were going their separate ways so each could grow, could pursue their dreams. Now, after what he had been through the past two weeks, he was seeing his priorities in a totally different light. He no longer wanted any type of life, not without Justin – he WAS his life.

He heard a sigh from the passenger side. "Justin?" he whispered, concerned; he knew it was silly, but every time he heard the slightest sign of distress from his lover, it made him worried. I guess that's what happens when you go through a death and come out on the other side.

Justin peered over at him, noting Brian's creased forehead and look of sincere concern in his eyes – the eyes that were so hauntingly familiar in a way and yet unknown to him. "I'm okay," he reassured him, seeing the man's face relax just a little. "I'm just nervous, I guess," he admitted, smiling a little hesitantly.

"That's perfectly understandable, you know," Brian told him smoothly, trying hard to make his partner feel more at ease. After they had returned to the car at that rest stop, he had been heartened to notice that Justin had relaxed somewhat, and seemed more at peace with his present situation. He observed, however, that the closer they got to Pittsburgh, the more agitated Justin seemed to become. It was obvious in his fidgeting on the seat, his occasional soft sighs, and the hands that were constantly in motion on his lap.

"I know this is hard for you," he told the blond. "Everything is strange and unfamiliar. In a way, you're being taken from what is familiar to you now and being thrust into a situation with people and places you may not recognize. That's bound to create a lot of nervousness. But I really think this is for the best, Justin. I'm not an expert, but I really think it's important that you surround yourself with people and places from your past. It's almost like when you were bashed – the psychiatrist friend I spoke with said to actually make you relive the pain." As Justin looked at him in astonishment (Brian had told him earlier about how he had initially gotten the original scar on his head, although it had proceeded to open up the brunet's painful memories of that time all over again), Brian nodded to let him know he had heard him correctly. "Yes….that's what he told me. At the time, I thought he was fucking crazy – it scared the shit out of me at the thought of you having to actually relive that night all over again – and in the end you STILL couldn't remember. But later you did remember enough of what happened to be able to move on and deal with it." Brian turned to look out the window, deep in thought. "You don't know how often I wished that I could have forgotten it, too…..at least the parts after we danced." He turned to look back at Justin, his smile soft and nostalgic. "But not the dancing - I never wanted to forget that part," he admitted reflectively. Nor how I finally admitted to myself that night just how much I fucking LOVED you, Justin Taylor. It would always be one of the best and one of the worst nights of his life. "Of course, I'm not about to let you on a damn train now – or maybe ever," he told him pointedly, his eyes piercing and dark with resolve. "But I can at least bring you back where you belong."

Brian was right, Justin thought. It was hard. Pretty much everything had been hard since he woke up in that hospital bed. Every day and every night of not knowing his name, where he was from, or anything about his life was hard. Not knowing his past was hard. Not knowing how he got where he was had been hard. Traveling to Pittsburgh in a quest with Andrew to hopefully find out something about himself, only to have his dreams shattered, was the hardest of all. But through all that, there was still one constant – the man who was sitting next to him: Brian. Even before they were reunited, he was there – in his dreams and his drawings. That was what he would hold onto for now.

"You know," Justin whispered softly, turning to look over at the man who was helping him to hold onto his sanity through all this turmoil, "Even when you didn't know I was still alive, I could somehow still feel your presence." He laughed abruptly and grimaced. "Oh, my God – why do I feel like I just read a line from one of the Star Wars movies?" To his delight, Brian actually chuckled at that comment. It felt good to see the other man laugh for a change; it seemed like during their car ride, he was constantly peering over at him like he was some fragile piece of spun glass that was about to break.

He turned serious, however, when he explained, "What I meant was – even though I hadn't met you – you know what I mean – I still somehow knew you. Through my dreams and my drawings. I think when things get crazy and scary in the next few days – and I have a distinct feeling they will – that's what I'll hold onto. You." He smiled somewhat awkwardly and bit his lip, suddenly embarrassed and shy, as he looked down at his hands in his lap and took a soft, calming breath.

Brian's heart swelled with joy at his partner's heartfelt words of confidence. He couldn't think of a better place for Justin to be – by his side. In fact, he wasn't letting him out of his sight, at least for a while.

He lifted his hand and gently pulled the expressive face back up to meet his gaze. Although for Brian, it continued to be very difficult to express his emotions, even to Justin, for this man he would do it. He had to do it – to make him understand how important he was to him. "Sunshine," he murmured tenderly, lightly caressing the slender, pale chin; he could feel the other man actually trembling under his touch. He fervently hoped it wasn't from fear but nerves – he was reassured by the man's soft, trusting eyes staring back at him. Plunging ahead, he softly told him, he eyes darting back to the road only as necessary, "You can do this. WE will do this – together. I won't give up until you remember it all. I won't give up on us." He smiled at the other man fondly, as he noticed the tears filling up in the sapphire eyes. "You always were such a sentimental twat," he gently chided him. "I'm…glad to see that some things are the same." Justin smiled at him sheepishly, a look that Brian had always found so irresistible.

Could he be so bold? Before he second guessed himself, he quickly picked up the damaged, still-casted left hand of his partner and brought it up to his lips to kiss the exposed knuckles. He closed his eyes briefly in ecstasy; how he had dreamed, had longed, to feel and taste him again. Now that he could finally, actually indulge in the reality, it was beyond his wildest dreams. It felt – almost like flying. Flying without a net – exhilarating, heart stopping, and thrilling. He was astonished how such a simple action as kissing his partner's hand could make his heart rejoice. He wondered what would happen once he and Justin were alone in the loft – how he was going to control himself at that point he had no idea. But he had to try – he couldn't be without him any longer.

As he held Justin's hand up to his lips, he was gladdened to see that his partner didn't pull his hand away; instead, he could actually feel Justin's hand shaking as his lips leisurely relished in the taste and feel of his lover. After a few seconds and with extreme reluctance, he gently released Justin's hand to let it fall back in his partner's lap; his own, now slightly trembling hand took its customary spot back on the blond's leg, the denim not able to disguise the warmth underneath. Warm…..and ALIVE. ALIVE.

Brian cleared his throat, trying hard to concentrate on his driving. Just the action of kissing Justin's hand had totally diverted his focus. "Uh….here's our exit," he advised his partner, turning back to his driving now. "We should be home in about 10 minutes." Home. He fervently hoped Justin would soon feel like it was HIS home, too.

Justin's heart pounded with hope, excitement and anticipation. He was about to take a vital step in his journey of discovery. He internally crossed his fingers the closer they came to Brian's loft and prayed that something, anything, would click in his mind. He would soon find out, because he noticed Brian slowing the car at last and pulling up in front of a small brick apartment building.

"This is it," Brian verified, his voice slightly shaking. He still had a hard time believing this was really happening. Justin was actually here, and they were about to return to the loft – their loft. Together. Was it just less than twenty-four hours ago that he had been in the grips of utter despair? And now here he was – in the highest heights of jubilation. No amount of E or any other drug could ever, ever compare to this feeling right now.

Justin slowly opened the door and stood up by the side of the car, gazing up at the building. He was slightly disappointed to note that he did not feel any particular affinity toward it; but he was hopeful that once they were inside, perhaps Brian's loft would be more familiar to him.

Brian opened the trunk of the car and reached inside for his suitcase and attaché as well as the painting of him and Gus. He briefly struggled over how to handle both items, as well as take care of Justin, before his partner solved his dilemma for him. "I'll take your suitcase and attaché," he offered, as he reached over to grab the handle of the rolling overnight bag with his right hand and slung the attaché strap over his shoulder.

Brian smiled his thanks and propped the painting under his arm as he closed the trunk lid. As Justin stood somewhat uncertainly on the sidewalk, Brian took his hand gently and slowly encouraged him to follow him to the front door. This is it – the start of our new life together, Brian thought, a lump forming in his throat. Please – if this is a dream, don't let me wake up.

As the two of them entered the elevator and it began to ascend upward, Justin's heart was thumping and his pulse was beating erratically as Brian continued to hold his hand. The warmth and surprising softness of his partner's hand helped him to feel reassured that he was doing the right thing by returning with him. It felt…right. It felt…..good. As he smiled at Brian, the brunet squeezed his hand slightly in encouragement.

A sudden, unexpected flash of recognition permeated his brain. Although it only lasted a few seconds – there was a vision of the two of them taking this journey before as they passionately kissed and embraced – it was enough for his face to warm and his skin to turn pink.

Brian frowned. He pulled on the other man's hand slightly, causing Justin to move closer. "Justin?" he whispered. There it was again – the worry. He just couldn't help it, damn it. "Anything wrong?" he asked. Please don't tell me you're regretting this decision, Sunshine. I couldn't take that right now – not when we've come this far.

To his relief, Justin shook his head and actually flashed him a small, embarrassed-looking smile. "No," he replied, his voice choking up a little in emotion. "I…I think I remembered something, Brian," he told the other man, twisting his face. Like all the other visions he had had of Brian, this one served to confirm once again just how tactile the other man apparently was – at least when it came to him.

Brian's heart jumped in elation. "You…..remembered something?" he cried in delight, his eyes lighting up. Right now, that word was the most wonderful word he had ever heard. "What did you remember?" he pressed, anxiously waiting to hear what it was.

He noticed Justin flushing an even darker shade of pink before he answered him. "I had this brief moment of recognition – just a couple of seconds, really," he informed him, not wanting to get his partner's hopes up too much at this point. "You and I were in this elevator before and we were…well, we were….."

"Kissing and climbing all over each other," Brian finished for him; the other man's deep blush served to confirm that he was correct, and he grinned broadly now. "That would be correct, Sunshine!" he exclaimed gleefully. "You don't think we ever rode up on this fucking elevator without fucking, do you?" he joked.

Justin twisted his face in amusement. "No….I guess not," he agreed congenially. "No point in wasting a perfectly good fucking opportunity, I suppose." He actually grinned at the other man – as he suspected, definitely an extremely tactile person. "So tell me," he asked, a little uncomfortable but nevertheless curious. "Did I give as good as I got?"

Brian laughed, nodding. "Indubitably," he confirmed enthusiastically. "You could more than keep up with me, Mr. Taylor. And there're not too many men who can say that." He sobered then as he hastily explained. "Actually…..there haven't been any other men, Justin," he confessed softly, his eyes full of emotion. "Not for a long time now." Once we met, no one could really ever compare to you. It just took me a while to ADMIT that.

Justin looked down in embarrassment at the other man's intense look and heartfelt admission. Despite their uncertain future, he still felt inexorably drawn to this man and touched by his words. He struggled for just the right thing to say to reassure him that things would somehow work out, but was spared the dilemma by the sound of the elevator coming to a stop.

Brian briefly released his hold on Justin's hand to swing the door open. "This is it," he softly told the other man, as he placed his arm around the blond's waist and walked with him a short way to an imposing, metal door. Punching in a code as Justin stood back a few feet, he slowly slid the door open and scooted to the side to allow Justin to enter first. He wanted to give his partner the opportunity to experience his return to their home by himself. He hoped that somehow that would have more of an impact on him initially. He was eagerly hoping that once he had a good look at the loft, all the memories – good and bad – would come flooding back to him.

He slowly followed Justin as the blond tentatively entered the loft, a look of extreme puzzlement and curiosity on his face. Brian stood, leaning against the open doorway, as he intently watched the surreal scene playing out in front of him. Once again he was hit with the feeling that he must be dreaming. He hadn't even been back to the loft once since Justin had died; between staying with Michael and Ben, and then visiting Gus in Toronto, he had been able to avoid coming back here. Michael had even been coming over to pick up his clothes. He could, therefore, successfully avoid returning to a place that had held so many memories of the two of them. His heart just couldn't stand it. He had just come to the sad realization that he should sell this place when he was called urgently to Harrisburg on business.

Now here he was, less than twenty-four hours later, standing in the doorway as he watched in astonishment as the man he thought he had lost forever slowly studied every detail of his loft. He wrapped his hands around his arms, almost placing bruises on them in an attempt to reassure himself that what he was seeing was real. He vowed right then and there that he would do anything, take as much time as Justin needed, give him anything, as long as he could stand there and drink in the picture he was seeing in front of him right now.

Justin gazed agape at the difference between this living space and Andrew's. While Andrew's was furnished in modest Victorian antiques and plush, comfortable furnishings, this space was HUGE. It had impressively-tall ceilings and high, vast windows overlooking the street below. And while Andrew's furniture had that well-loved, slightly worn look, this place was crisp, bold and in-your-face. It gave the appearance of being a showcase rather than a home. Had Justin actually been comfortable living in this foreboding structure? Thinking back over some of his dreams from the prior two weeks, he decided somehow he must have. He certainly had appeared at ease in his dreams, at least. Right now, though, as he continued to focus on every detail of the place, there didn't appear to be so much as a pen out of place and not a speck of dust anywhere. It was hard to even tell that someone actually lived here.

Perhaps most distressing of all, however, was the fact that despite his great hope, his mind did not recognize it. At least not outside of his previous dreams. He was somewhat relieved to realize that at least his dreams of this place had been accurate – he could vividly recall, for instance, the white chaise sitting over in the corner. And as he walked over toward the bathroom and saw the large, imposing glass-enclosed walk-in shower, his face flushed again as he thought of the dream he had had when the two of them were in there almost violently fucking as they kissed passionately, his face turned and smashed up against the wall.

And as he walked pensively over to the nearby bedroom, he recalled how this was where his most vibrant dreams had taken place. Whether they were standing together, embracing and kissing passionately, their bodies melded as one flushed together, or whether they were tenderly making love on the king-sized bed or just downright fucking, he could feel it. This was where their passions ignited and their innermost feelings surfaced. This was where they had shared their most private dreams and fantasies with each other. He fretted as he wondered sadly, is that all it will BE? A dream of what occurred? Not a place to rekindle what we should still HAVE?

He finally looked around for Brian, who unbeknownst to him had walked into the loft and was now standing near the bedroom, leaning against one of the panels and intently staring at him for his reaction. The hazel eyes held a look of hope and longing as he studied him. He noticed that at some point Brian had shed his suit, tie, and shoes, and was standing there simply in his dress pants and white, opened business shirt. With his bare feet and the top button of his pants undone, Justin couldn't help noticing that he looked sexy as hell, even a little dangerous. But he certainly didn't feel nervous or scared around him. But he did feel regret, and yes, guilt. Regret that what both of them had hoped for hadn't yet materialized, and whether deserved or not, guilt over having to put this man through all this fresh pain and grief.

"Don't," he heard Brian say firmly but softly. "I know what you're doing," he informed him, as he slowly walked toward him now. "I can tell you don't remember yet," he told him perceptively, now placing his hands on either side of Justin's arms. "Justin," he tenderly ordered him. "Look at me." The commanding tone of his voice had the intended effect, as Justin slowly raised his head to meet his gaze, the repentant look still clearly written on his face as the eyes glistened with frustrated tears.

Brian felt a strange sense of role reversal and déjà vu as he firmly told his partner, "It's NOT your fault." His throat constricted as he replayed in his mind a previous time when Justin had told him the same thing. He had a feeling that Justin didn't believe him right now any more than Brian had back then. But despite that horrific episode in their lives, they had persevered through that and they would triumph over this, too, damn it.

With extreme difficulty, he wiped the look of imposing despair and pain off his face and firmly told the other man, "It doesn't matter. Whether your memory comes back now or a fucking year from now, it doesn't matter. Do you hear me? I'm not going ANYWHERE, Justin. And neither are you. I won't LET you. We will get through this together and I will not stop until you find the help you need – no matter what it takes." At the sound of Brian's compassion and his voice full of resolve, Justin's eyes filled even more with unshed tears as he shook his head slightly in frustration, unable to speak.

As Brian looked at the pale face filled with pain, he wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms and urgently kiss his anguish away and make love to him all night long. Perhaps that might actually force Justin somehow to remember. But he couldn't take that risk. Despite his body yearning for deeper contact, he gritted his teeth and held the other man at arm's length. Until he was sure he wouldn't somehow do more harm to him, he couldn't chance it.

He didn't resist, however, when Justin suddenly pulled him into his arms and wrapped his own slender ones around his back. Brian sighed as he molded the other man into him, pressing the blond head against his chest as he cradled the slender body reverently. His heartbeat reverberated in his ears as he felt the other man trembling, why he wasn't quite sure. He longed to do more than just hold Justin, but for now it was enough. Just knowing that his partner was seeking him for comfort and support, rather than that doctor, was reassuring to him. As long as he had that, they could work on the rest of it. And they would. For as long as it took.

He finally loosened his hold on the other man reluctantly, pulling back enough to take a studious look at him. He reached down with one hand to tenderly wipe the tears from the soft blue eyes before he whispered, "This is a start, Justin. A beginning point. Maybe it's not all we had hoped for, but it is a start." Trying to sound more upbeat than he sounded, he added as cheerfully as he could, "Look. You haven't even talked to your mother or your friends yet. We have to give it time. Yeah, it fucking kills me, Sunshine, that you can't remember. But it will come in time – I really believe that. And YOU need to believe it, too. Okay?" He peered down at him expectedly. He knew Justin was still Justin, whether he remembered everything or not. And Justin wasn't a quitter.

Justin studied his partner. He knew how disappointed he must be – as disappointed as he was, no doubt. But he still believed in them; he was still encouraging him that things would improve. What other choice did he have but to keep trying? He wanted his life back. And this was only the start. There would be other methods to try. He just hoped it didn't take a long time before something worked. He didn't even think about it not working at all – that was NOT an option. It HAD to. For both their sakes.

Justin bit his lip as he tried to compose himself. Taking a deep breath, straightening his shoulders and taking one last sniffle, he answered simply, "Okay," as he nodded in agreement.

Brian nodded in return; he had expected nothing less from his partner. He released him from his embrace only to take his undamaged hand and slowly pull him toward the living room to find his cell phone. "Then let's go call your mother," he said softly. "She's about to find out the most incredible news of her life."