His mouth crushes against mine as we grind into one another on the bed. I reach under his shirt and dig my fingernails into his back as I feel his hard cock press against mine, separated only by the material of our jeans. I moan into his mouth when his hands make their way to my hair and he begins to roughly tug at the blond strands. God, I love that. I pull away from his mouth just for a second so I can pull his t-shirt over his head. He does the same to me before our lips meet again.

We roll over so I’m on top and our kissing becomes more heated and urgent. I feel like I can’t get myself close enough to him. I need him inside me, now. I pull away again and sit, straddling him. I reach down and undo his jeans. I look down at him and I nearly gasp at how beautiful he is. His lips are swollen and red from our earlier activities, his face is flushed, he’s breathing heavily, and his eyes are darkened with unguarded lust. I lean down to steal another kiss before slowly reaching inside his now open jeans and –

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Shit. I groan and roll over to the nightstand to turn the alarm clock off. That fucking annoying hotel room alarm clock that I’m pretty sure could wake the dead. I slump back onto the bed and consider sleeping for another hour. That thought soon dissipates when I remember I’ll be seeing Brian later today. I actually smile to myself at the thought.

I think back on the dream from which I was so rudely interrupted. I haven’t had a dream like that about Brian in awhile, and I can’t help but think that now is probably the worst time for me to be having them again. I try not to think about it. You can’t control your dreams, after all. I ponder going to take a shower, and after glancing down at the tent I’ve created in the sheets, I should probably make it a cold one.

After I left the loft yesterday, I decided to stop by my mom’s house. After she berated me for staying in a hotel instead of staying with her, I let her know about my plans to stay in Pittsburg for awhile. I didn’t tell her why, but I’m sure she assumed it has something to do with Brian. It does, of course, but not for the reasons she thinks. She told me she hasn’t seen or talked to Brian in about six months, so I know she wasn’t aware of him being sick. I disclosed no information, just as Brian requested, even though I was dying for someone to talk to about it.

I left Mom’s house after a couple of hours and headed back to the hotel. Of course, she let me go only after insisting I had to stay with her if I was going to be in town for longer than I had planned. She said the hotel rates were way too high, but I told her I could afford it and didn’t make any promises. I think I might need the alone time once and awhile. Or maybe I was secretly hoping I’d have somewhere else to stay soon. It was a ridiculous thought, I know. Brian won’t even let me close enough to touch him, let alone invite me to stay in his home with him and Gus. I considered calling the loft before I went to bed later that night, but I figured Brian was still sleeping so I decided against it. Besides, I didn’t want to push my luck with his unfathomable kindness.

Seeing Brian like he is now was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do – almost as hard as leaving him all those years ago. And knowing that he may not undergo treatment is killing me on the inside. I want to convince him to fight, but I know I have to keep my mouth shut if I want to stay in his life this time around. All I could do was wait and hope he made the right decision.

I step out of the bathroom after my shower and glance at the clock. It’s already 10:00, so Brian should be up. It’s Saturday, so I’m assuming Gus will be there. I really want to make amends with him. I want to prove to him I’m not going to hurt Brian – that I just want to be there for him, that I really do care about him more than he could ever know. I understand why he doesn’t believe that, after what I did, but I won’t be satisfied until I prove to him that I’m not the horrible person he thinks I am – I’m just someone who made a huge mistake ten years ago and now I’m trying my damndest to fix it.

I grab my keys and head downstairs to my rental car – a blue Honda Accord. Not the fanciest, but it’ll do the trick. On the drive to the loft, I think of how amazing it is that my feelings for Brian haven’t faded in the slightest since before I left. In fact, I think they’re stronger now than they once were. I guess I fooled myself into thinking I was fine without him, but after yesterday, I know better. Being with Brian is my passion – like my art, only on a different level. I’m a different person when I’m with him, and I like that person better. I wonder if he feels the same way.

I’m trying hard to be positive, but something he said yesterday just won’t leave me alone. ‘I’m going to die from this, sooner or later.’ It’s the harsh reality that I can’t stand to think about. How will it happen? When will it happen? Will I be there to see it? How long do I have to make everything right? What the hell will I do what it happens?  I shake my head in an attempt to get rid of the thoughts as I park in front of Brian’s building.

As I approach the door to the loft, I hear Brian’s voice coming from inside. “So chemo is my only option?” I know it’s wrong of me to eavesdrop, but I can’t help but lean toward the door so I can hear the conversation taking place on the other side.

“Well, the HAART is controlling it or else it would be everywhere. Since the lesions are localized, radiation is still an option. However, if it has spread to other parts or your body, chemotherapy might be your best bet,” the voice floors me. I’d know that voice anywhere, and I can’t believe I’m hearing it coming out of Brian’s loft.

“How long do you think it would give me?” Brian asks, softly as if he’s trying not to be heard.

There’s a pause. “It’s hard to say. I’ve seen it give people five, even ten, more years, but I’ve also seen it kill people in six months or less.” Shit.

I hear Brian scoff. “So the question is do I feel lucky?”

“If we can treat the KS, there’s a slightly higher likelihood of reverting back to HIV. The chance of relapse is high, but if we’re talking about getting you more time – treatment is the only option we have.”

Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes. Say you’ll do it. Come on, Brian – “I don’t know,” he finally says. “I have to think about it.” Double shit.

I take the silence that follows as an opportunity to knock on the door. I hear the clicking of high heels across the hardwood floor before the door opens. Her smile is blinding. “Justin,” she grabs me in a tight hug. “I was hoping I’d still be here when you showed up.” She sounds so excited to see me and I feel like shit. Daphne was my best friend since elementary school, and yet she was one of the people I cut off when I left for New York. “What the hell have you been up to?” she asks when she finally pulls away, still smiling.

I take a moment to step back and look at her. “Damn, Daph, you’re fucking hot,” I tell her and she laughs. At 31 she could still pass for being in her twenties; her dark hair is long and straight. She’s wearing snug jeans with black heels and a low cut long-sleeved black shirt. She looks like she just stepped out of an edition of Elle; she’s beautiful. She always was.

“Why thank you,” she replies. “I guess a PhD agrees with me.”

“Oh wow, congratulations!” I gush. “I knew you’d do it.”

She laughs. “Thanks.” Just then I hear a beeping and she reaches into her back pocket and pulls out a beeper. She glances at the screen. “Duty calls,” she states regrettably. “I’ve got to go.” She turns back into the loft, walks over the Brian’s desk, where he’s still sitting quietly, and grabs her bag. She leans over and gives Brian a long hug. He hugs back. “Take care of yourself,” she says quietly, so quietly I could barely hear her. She stands back up and starts to walk back toward me and the door. “I’ll take a look at your chart and give you a call tomorrow, okay?” she asks and glances back at him.

He nods. “Yeah. Thanks for stopping by,” he tells her.

She smiles. “No problem.” She turns back to me and points at my face. “And you better call me. Maybe we can get together and catch up before you disappear again, you asshole,” she says and laughs so I know she’s kidding.

I smile back. “I’ll definitely call you.” She tells me I can get her number from Brian and then, with the beeper going off again, rushes out the door, yelling a ‘bye!’ as she hurries down the stairs. I close the door behind her and walk further into the loft toward Brian.

“I thought you said no one else knew,” I say with a small smile. I always knew Daphne liked Brian, but I never would’ve thought they’d keep in touch after all these years. Hell, I didn’t even know either of them knew the other’s number. I’m glad that Daph is helping him, but I can’t help but be a little jealous at their obvious closeness. Daphne’s been here for him and I haven’t. He won’t let me touch him, but he let her hug him for Christ’s sake. I try to shake off the jealously, though, because I’m not being fair. Again, this is all my fault.

He shrugs. “I guess I forgot,” he tells me. I snort in disbelief. He smirks, “She’s just helping me figure out what options I have now.”

I nod. “Is she your doctor?” I ask him.

He shakes his head. “No, but she works in the same office, so she has access to all my shit I guess,” he informs me. “She’s been – great.”

“Yeah, Daphne’s a good friend,” I tell him and he nods slightly. I look around, “Where’s Gus?”

“I sent him to the store. He gets kind of – upset when Daphne and I talk about this kind of stuff,” he points to his computer screen where I’m guessing he has information about treatment pulled up. “He says he doesn’t, but –“ he trails off. “He should be back soon, though.”

Like clockwork, the door slides open again, and Gus walks in with a couple grocery bags in his hands. “Hey, I’m h--,” he stops when he sees me. “Oh, hey,” he says, but his tone is anything but welcoming and he walks into the kitchen to put away the groceries.

“Gus,” Brian warns.

Gus puts up his hands in mock surrender. “What? I didn’t say anything,” he insists.

Brian shakes his head.

“Anyways,” Gus continues. “I was thinking about going to Ashley’s house for awhile. Can I?” he asks as he finishes up in the kitchen.

“Yep,” Brian says, looking back at his computer screen.

He looked pointedly at me before starting again. “You sure you’re going to be okay?” I know he’s talking to Brian even though he’s looking at me, but I can tell he still doesn’t trust me being alone with his dad.

Brian scoffs. “I’m sure I’ll survive,” he states sarcastically.

Gus finally looks away from me and huffs a laugh. “Ok, later,” he says and heads for the door.

“Gus, wait,” I hear my voice before I realize I was going to say anything. He looks back at me, appearing slightly annoyed. “I wanted to talk to you for a minute.” I walk past him and stand just outside the door. He looks back at Brian, who just shrugs, then follows me out. I slide the door closed behind us. He just stares at me, waiting.

I sigh. “Listen, I know you don’t like me.” He raises his eyebrow. I swear, he’s Brian’s clone. I almost smile at the thought. When he says nothing, I continue. “I just wanted to – clear the air with you, I guess. I want you to know that I care about your dad a lot –“

He snorts and cuts me off. “Yeah, obviously,” he drawls sarcastically.

“I know I did something really shitty, and I know I hurt him. I can’t blame you for not believing that I care for him, but I do,” I tell him. “I’m trying really hard to gain his trust back and fix what I fucked up, but I don’t want any animosity between you and me. I intend to prove to you that I’m being honest with both of you.”

He laughs and shakes his head. “It’s cool, man. What does it matter what I think of you?” he asks.

I shrug. “We used to be pretty close, you know. I even named you,” I offer.

“Yeah, I know. Gus. Thanks so much for that gem,” he jokes.

I laugh. “Hey, it was between that and Abraham. You should be on your knees thanking me right now.”

“Well I’m not going to get on my knees, Sunshine,” he teases and I shake my head and huff a laugh at his innuendo. “But you’re right, Gus is better. A little more butch than anything I’d expect from you, but I can pull it off.”

We laugh again. This is good. We’re joking around with each other. Maybe he’s realizing I’m more genuine than he thought.

Suddenly he’s serious. “The thing is, “he begins, “that’s my dad. And he’s sick, and I’m going to do whatever I can to make this easier on him. It’s my job, no matter what he thinks,” he tells me. “So if you fuck up again, there’ll be hell to pay,” he warns, no smile this time.

I nod. “I could’ve guessed that much.”

He hesitates. “You know, you’re not so bad. But we’re not friends just yet. We’ll see what happens. Just—don’t do anything stupid,” he finishes with a smirk.

I smile. “Ok, deal.”

I reach out my hand to shake his, but he just looks at it before laughing and turning away and heading toward the stairs. He turns back. “Just a bit of advice,” he tells me and I’m all ears. I need all the help I can get. “Take it slow and be patient, he’ll come around. He’s still expecting you to up and leave again, so he won’t offer his trust right away. You have more to prove to him before he can do that, but it’ll happen if you play your cards right. I guess he still cares about you too,” he tells me with a shrug.

I nod. “Thanks, Gus.” He nods once and heads down the stairs. I take a deep breath before heading back into the loft with a smile. I’ll be earning Brian’s trust back if it’s the last thing I do, dammit.