Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction


Justin
 
"You've been having the nightmares more often?" Dr. Vaughn re-affirmed, raising his bushy eyebrows. 
 
"Yes.  It's always the same.  Ethan is lying on the ground helpless and hurt.  I can't get him out of the wreckage."
 
"Hmmmm...what do you think it means?"
 
Justin shrugged his shoulders.  
 
How the fuck was he supposed to know?  Wasn't it the doctor's job to figure it out?
 
Maybe Dr. Vaughn was telepathic because the next thing the man said was, "Justin, the person having the dreams is usually the best person to interpret them.  I find that dreams often have the most relevance to the patient because they come from within.  They are sometimes a manifestation of an underlying emotion."
 
"That's bullshit," Justin snapped.  "My dreams are about the accident.  It's just flashbacks of everything."
 
"Are they really?"  Dr. Vaughn posed.  "It seems to me that in your dream, or nightmare as you think of it, you're unable to help Ethan emotionally or physically.  In reality, you were able to assist in his rescue and stay by his side."
 
"Rescue?  Ha!  What the fuck did I rescue him from Dr. Vaughn?  I'm not a damn hero.  Ethan's dead.  He's fucking dead."
 
Dr. Vaughn noted the heatedness of his words.  Justin's personality seemed to morph instantly into self-deprecating mode.  He suspected that the troubled young man still wasn't telling him everything.
 
 
 
Brian
 
He wondered what was going on inside the doc's office.  He was trying to listen to see if he could hear anything...a word, the tone of Justin's voice, but to no avail. 
 
The office was equipped with one of those specially made devices that emitted background noise.  It sounded like a fucking waterfall.  Brian deduced it was to prevent anyone in the outer office from hearing anything.  The dastardly device was certainly doing it's job, much to his annoyance. 
 
Shit, Brian nearly said aloud.  He hadn't expected to see Justin emerging from the room so soon.  Had it been an hour already?
 
He had absolutely no idea how the session went.  Justin looked....he looked...weird.  Brian couldn't read him.  What else was new?
 
"Mr. Kinney," Dr, Vaughn acknowledged with a dip of his head.  
 
Then, he addressed Justin, "I'll see you on Wednesday.  Think about what I said."
 
Justin merely nodded absentmindedly and started heading for the door. 
 
Brian glanced at the therapist and frowned, but the psychobabble troll stood there tight-lipped, offering nothing.  Strange...both of them were acting strange.  But then again, that was probably normal for the doc.
 
He caught up to Justin and wondered if he should say anything.
 
"Justin..." 
 
"I don't want to talk about," the blond interrupted.
 
"Suit yourself."

Justin was shutting him out, which he knew from past experience was never a good sign.  That therapy session was productive.
 
 
 
Justin
 
Why couldn't they all just leave him alone?  He didn't want to talk about anything anymore.  When he did, it stirred up too many memories...bad memories.
 
Right now, he wanted to curl up into a ball.  This was too hard for him.  He didn't want to think about Ethan, but yet, it was all he could think about.
 
His family and friends wanted him to be the same sweet, blond boy he was before he left for Europe.  Only he wasn't, something had changed in him even before the accident. 
 
When he was abroad, he had made it a point to tell everyone that he was happy with his life, with Ethan.  In fact, he had almost convinced himself that he had the perfect relationship.  However, he realized a little too late that in the very core of his soul he was mourning a loss.  The loss of his one true love. 
 
What he had with the curly-haired violinist never really rivaled the magic he had experienced with Brian.  Ethan had tried his best, but was unable to fulfill his needs.  And now, as a consequence of his own selfishness, a musical prodigy was dead too young; never again to share his unique, incredible gift with the world.
 
Justin's heart seized with guilt.  He felt as if an elephant's foot was on his chest...slowly crushing him.  What could he possibly do to rid himself of the weight of his pain?
 
The struggle within him ensued. 
 
He could confess to Brian, but Brian would probably tell him that it wasn't his fault; to get over it.  On the other hand, he might be making a huge mistake by not confiding in him.  
 
Dr. Vaughn had stressed during more than one session that he shouldn't bear his grief alone if he wanted to move past this.  Besides, hadn't he learned anything from his inability to come clean with Ethan?  It had led to hurtful revelations on the day of the accident. 
 
But how could he be free to move on with his life...love, laugh...with the unsettling knowledge that Ethan, poor innocent Ethan who was unfortunate enough to love him, was growing cold in the ground?
 
Months and months of therapy would not convince him of his innocence in his boyfriend's demise.  He deserved to be punished.  Oh, how he despised himself.  The desire to hurt himself was taking over again.
 
He peeked his head out the bedroom door.  Brian was on the phone with Cynthia, preoccupied with a problem with one of his clients. 
 
Now was his chance.  
 
Darting into the bathroom he hastily yanked off his clothes, unable to shed them fast enough.  He turned the shower on and let the water spray down on his body.  At first it was soothing.  But then, he intentionally pushed the lever farther until it became hotter and hotter.  
 
The droplets soon felt like needles pricking his skin.  Justin forced himself to stay still as he shivered from the shock of the scorching splays of water striking his body. 
 
 
Brian
 
He heard the water running in the bathroom.  Justin must be taking a shower. 
 
Good.  Maybe that would help the kid relax. 
 
After about fifteen minutes, the water finally came to a halt.  He padded over to the door and listened. 
 
Nothing. 
 
What the fuck was Justin doing in there? 
 
"Justin?  You okay?" he questioned through the door, trying to keep calm.
 
"I'm fine.  I'll be out in a little while."
 
"If you need help jerking off, you could open the door.  You know, I've seen it before."
 
"Humph...no thanks."
 
"Sure?"
 
"Fuck off!"
 
Brian felt relieved.  He certainly sounded okay.  Guess the lad didn't know that he wasn't kidding when he had made the offer. 
 
For a moment Brian closed his eyes.  The image crystallized in his mind.  He drew a sharp intake of breath when he opened them and could have sworn he saw a blond apparition in front of him.  A familiar tightening around his groin area caused him to adjust his pants. 
 
Now he was having daydreams?
 
He loosened his tie and went in search of a much needed drink.  The only thing he found was a pathetic bottle of Amstel Light in the fridge, but that would have to do.
 
 
Justin
 
He stood there unmoving, naked...staring into the steamed mirror.  His body felt numb.  A single thought penetrated his brain, now his body matched the way he felt nearly every waking moment since Ethan's death. 
 
When the haze from the steam subsided he noticed the ugly, red blotches marring his normally pristine skin.  One spot was already beginning to blister.
 
Brian would know what he had done.  He couldn't let him see him.  Not like this... 
 
He was thinking of a way to hide it, when he heard a firm knock on the door. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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