Why Not With Me?

Chapter Fifty-Seven: The Love You Take

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And in the end 

The love you take

Is equal to the love you make. 

- from The End, by the Beatles 

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-----------Brian’s Point of View----------------

Sunday night at Debbie’s wasn’t so bad, especially once everyone got over their surprise and just let me be… Well, actually, they did more than that. They supported me -- every last one of them. 

I left feeling more proud of myself than I ever have. 

I could feel Justin’s pride, too. He looked at me and it poured through his gaze. He held my hand in the car and kept smiling at me, one of those mega-watt smiles, and I think I smiled back at him the same way. It was a wonderful night. 

It’s hard to believe that it was only a couple days ago, Saturday morning, that I met with my mother. I’ve thought about it some, and it all seems almost surreal. To think that I told her not to lie to me.  That I actually hold her that she hurt me. And best of all, that I told her that she lost, and I won. 

I don’t think I would feel bad if I never spoke to her again. That was all I needed to say to her. It hasn’t made anything better; it hasn’t changed the past. But I feel better now, because I told her and she knows the truth of what happened. Now that the past is known, it really does feel like it has passed. Or I’ve just moved past it myself… 

---------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

I didn’t get any calls from Brian this weekend, so I assume that things went well with his mother, or at least that it was manageable.  I’m sure if it wasn’t, either Brian or Justin would have called to ask for help. 

It’s rare that I get so personally invested in my clients. I do care about them all, genuinely, and as individuals. But working with Brian so far has been the most intense patient-client relationship I have had. Perhaps it is due to the high frequency of his office visits, perhaps because of the severely abusive past that I have helped him to face. 

Whatever the reason, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about him and what he has been through, particularly this weekend as I think of what he is doing. He has changed so much from the person that I sat next to on the plane that day, almost three months ago. I remember how he’d been annoyed that I’d taken his pulse during his episode. So determined was he that he not be helped and that there was no problem.

Helping Brian has been an education for me as a psychologist. His tendency toward nonverbal expression at first made sessions harder for me, but I came to rely on his actions and even his describing what he did, in order to help him really discern how he felt. Though Brian was hardly an eager student of psychoanalysis, he eventually neutralized his attitude and his intellect had proven invaluable in my recommendations and his growth.  He has been more able to talk about his feelings and motivations, though it is still very difficult for him. More important than anything, though, is that he sees value in the attempt to do so. 

He still has things to work on -- coping mechanisms to develop, practice in identifying his emotions, a longer look into his relationship with his son, and support in whatever decision he makes about substance use. But all in all, he is a remarkably healthier person now for the last several months of hard, arduous work on his own behalf. 

What he has done with his mother this weekend -- assuming it went well -- is nothing short of a triumph. For an individual to face not only their past in the abstract, but to face the individuals who were responsible for it is a true act of courage. He is coming in today as a man who has walked knowingly away from his past.

---------------Brian’s Point of View-----

“Great to see you both,” Dr. Stevenson says, extending his hand first to me, then to Justin.   I take his hand in mine and smile at him. 

“How are you today?” he asks, his tone friendly but with a hint of concern that shows that he clearly remembers the events of this weekend. 

I look at him for a moment, meeting his eyes and thinking for a second before I answer.

“I’m doing pretty well. Feeling good.” 

Dr. Stevenson stares at me like aliens were crawling out of my eyeballs. His jaw is open for a second, then he closes it and a huge grin spreads across his face. 

“What is it?” I ask curiously, looking around to see if I’d missed something. Dr. Stevenson shakes his head, half chuckling to himself.

“Nothing -- it’s just -- you didn’t say “fine” ,” he says. 

“Huh?” 

“You always say you’re fine. Today you thought about it and gave a different answer,” he explains, his voice soft, resting his hand on my shoulder. “That’s wonderful.” 

---------------Justin’s Point of View----------------

Brian looks down for a second, a tiny bit embarrassed by this revelation. Then, with a sheepish grin, he glances at me then back at Dr. Stevenson. 

“Well -- I am doing pretty good!”  We all smile at one another and settle into the office. 

---------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View----------

Brian is full of surprises today. He does not move his chair closer to Justin’s. 

Mind you -- the chairs are still close. So close, in fact, that the arms are touching. 

But he doesn’t move them closer. He just settles in and takes Justin’s hand in his. I blink a few times and my heart soars. I don’t know if I can even explain it to him -- how this seems to be such an important sign… I don’t know that I can put it into words myself. Their closeness is as strong as it’s ever been but -- but he is secure in it to attempt sitting more by himself. 

I am so thrown (and so pleased) that I almost forget where I wanted to begin the session. 

“How did things go with your parents this weekend?” I ask, addressing them both. Justin speaks up first after a quick glance at Brian. 

“I spoke with my father. He hasn’t changed who he is or how he feels, but now he knows how I feel about his -- his betrayal. And that felt really good -- it felt like things were sealed now, almost like it was locked up. I know where he stands, but now he knows where I stand -- that I still stand, despite all he’s done and all the hatred he has.” 

Justin’s voice is quiet and steady, and it occurs to me just how much more at ease Justin is with his emotions. It’s no wonder he is such a help to Brian on so many levels. 

“It sounds like it was a positive experience,” I say. 

“It was, for sure. I’m glad I decided to do it.” 

No one said anything for a moment, and then Justin prompted Brian to take his turn. 

“And then, Saturday morning, Brian met with his mother,” he says, looking meaningfully to Brian. 

-------------Brian’s Point of View------------

I take a deep breath. It’s hard to know where to begin with this…My feelings have changed so much from then until now.  I decide to start from the moment that it really began. 

“When I sat across from her… her face sort of changed. It was like all these memories sort of -- sort of come to life. And it was…. I was really nervous.”

Justin squeezes my hand. I’ve talked to him about this a little, but it still is rather hard.

“You felt scared?” Dr. Stevenson asks. My throat goes dry as I try to answer. Dr. Stevenson seems to understand this and hands me a bottle of water. I reply after taking a long sip. 

“Yeah, I did.”   Dr. Stevenson nods patiently.

“And then? What sort of things did you discuss with her?” he asks when I don’t say anything else.

“I asked her why…why she didn’t try to help me. I kept remembering times when she didn’t help me and I asked her. She said she did try a couple times but that she sometimes thought --” 

My voice breaks.

-------Justin’s Point of View-----------------

I squeeze his hand tight and lean in to him.  His breathing is fast and I can tell he is really struggling to say the rest. I pull my chair closer and wrap my arm around him and he leans into my embrace.

“She thought I deserved it. That I deserved the abuse because it would help me…. She actually sounded disappointed that it hadn’t… I’m still the same hell-destined sinner I’ve always been in her book,” he finishes, appropriately bitter. 

I ruffle his hair with my hand., 

----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View------------

Brian is not quite in Justin’s lap, and he seems okay and calm. I mean, obviously he’s upset, but he’s very much calm and open. 

“It hurt to hear that,” I say simply, wanting Brian to hear the words. He takes a deep breath again.

“Yeah -- it did. I mean, to know that she doesn’t regret it. That it was purposeful -- even if her supposed purpose was to save me -- the evidence of… the evidence that I was hurt -- of my pain -- was meaningless to her….. Yeah. That hurts,” he says, his voice hardly above a whisper.  Justin leans into him and whispers something into his ear. Brian nods and  kisses Justin’s cheek.

“I told her that, too… that she hurt me. You know, she even convinced herself that I’d been a happy child? That my childhood was good?” Brian asked, looking half amazed, half sickened.

“She probably has been lying to herself for years about that. I’m proud that you could set her straight,” I tell him. 

He nods thoughtfully.

“The best thing though, was the end. I told her that other people loved me even though she couldn’t, because it wasn’t me. It wasn’t my fault. And that she hadn’t destroyed my life… Because she hasn’t. I’ve beaten all of that. I’ve won,” Brian says, a grin slowly appearing. 

My heart is overflowing with pride at this moment. I stand up and so does Brian. I take his hand and shake it, pulling him in for a hug.

------------Brian’s Point of View----------

“You have, Brian… You have won,” he says softly to me. “And I’m so proud of you.” 

My heart swells in an unexpected wave of appreciation. As I sit back in my chair, I feel a couple of tears about to fall.

--------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

I see the tears in Brian’s eyes.  He does not wipe them away, or turn his face. Instead, he turns his chair to Justin, angles it just slightly so Justin is looking right at him as the tears fall.

In one moment it is over, but it is a moment I will never forget, no matter how many years or clients come after.

----------Justin’s Point of View--------

I watch Brian’s tears; I see them; I see what he is going through. I see him there.

--------------Brian’s Point of View--------------

“Were you two able to -- to address these feelings this weekend?” Dr. Stevenson asks delicately, leaving us the option to disclose whatever we wish. Justin looks to me very quickly and I smile at him.  

“Yeah -- we did… I used bondage again,” he says. 

“And it worked great,” I add in with a smile. 

“Tell me more about that,” Dr. Stevenson says, his tone full of genuine interest. 

“Well -- first I was really…really upset but then… when I was tied up and restrained… It was safe again. To do whatever I felt,” I say, trying to explain. 

“It was okay to hurt -- because you knew you would not be out of control,” Dr. Stevenson offers and I nod. He’s getting pretty good at understanding this. 

“And later we used it in a different way… See, Brian said he wanted to escape --”

“That’s a great insight,” Dr. Stevenson breaks in excitedly, and Justin grins at him. 

 “So I used bondage to restrict him… his movement, his speech, his hearing, his sight,” Justin pauses and Dr. Stevenson’s eyes are wide. 

“And what was that like?” he asks, his voice curious and entirely devoid of judgment, as usual.  I take a deep breath, trying to think of how to describe the experience.

“It was… amazing. It was like escape… it was like flying or floating or… it was like being high but not… because I wasn’t -- I wasn’t me. I was everything at once,” I say slowly, fully aware of how silly this description sounded. 

------------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View------------

“It sounds pretty amazing,” I say sincerely. This world that Brian has opened my eyes to is fascinating. “The reading I’ve done has compared it to a sort of high.” 

Justin smiles and nods. 

“In fact,” he says, “we’ve decided to  use that instead…” 

“And stop using substances altogether,” Brian finishes the thought. I look at him closely. I know how hesitant he has been about this, how cautious he has been to committing himself to a substance-free life. Now, though, he seems positive and confident in his choice. 

“That’s so good to hear -- what a creative and proactive solution to addressing your feelings,” I say warmly. Brian  and Justin both smile at me. 

“But,” I say, wanting to make sure they were prepared, “what will you do in case of relapse?”

Justin purses his lips a bit and glances at Brian. 

“Well…It’s a decision we’re very firm about, but yes…mistakes and setbacks happen. We’ll have to look at those when they arise and deal with them and not lose sight of the goal,” he says. 

I smile. 

“Of course. And I’ll be more than happy to help with that, if and when the day comes.” 

“Thanks, Doc,” Brian says unexpectedly. “I really owe you a lot… I could never have made it this far without you.”

I blink a couple of times and rest my hand on his shoulder again for a moment.

“You know… I would like to say something else to the two of you,” Dr. Stevenson says softly. I turn back to him and he is smiling gently  at us.  I nod a little and he continues. 

“I wanted to thank you both… for teaching me so much.  I have learned so much from you, Brian. I’ve learned what it means to be courageous, and what it means to accept yourself… And watching the two of you together has opened my eyes to a kind of love that I have never witnessed before. And it is a beautiful thing.” 

---------Justin’s Point of View-------------

I am beaming at Dr. Stevenson’s words… well, we both are… What he says is true. With Brian now, I have the relationship I have always dreamed of, and what my heart has always sought. 

--------Brian’s Point of View-----------

I have no idea what to say and then, before I can try, Dr. Stevenson continues. 

“And Brian… I wanted to say that your strength has been tremendous… What you have gone through as a child, and what you have dealt with in these last few months has been an extremely hard journey. I know that intellectually, but you know it emotionally…  And what you are today… the love you have and the love you give…is a testament not only to you but to the human spirit.”