Why Not With Me?

Chapter Fifty: Yes, Beautiful

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You are my weakness, you are my strength… 

Nothing I have in the world makes better sense 

Cuz I’m the fish and you’re the sea

When we’re together or when we’re apart 

There’s never a space in between the beat of our hearts… 

Nothing else matters at all, 

Now I understand

I’m the lock and you’re the key

And every morning I wake in your smile 

Feeling your breath of my face and the love in your eyes… 

One day at a time is all we do… 

One day at a time is good for us… 

- from One Day (At A Time) by John Lennon 

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----------Justin’s Point of View-------------

We left quickly after that. We didn’t answer the question.  Brian was obviously conflicted; pacing, biting his lower lip.  I guessed that he was torn by wanting to be angry and being embarrassed. 

When we got home it was his hour. He hadn’t said a word in about twenty minutes, but as soon as we shut the loft door, he began. 

“How could he say that? How could -- I mean! Of all people… my own psychologist!” 

I nod, not knowing what to say. Maybe I should have been more upfront about this sooner; maybe I was wrong to let him hear it from Dr. Stevenson…. Not that I ever thought he’d be the one to take that step. 

“I don’t see where he can say that. That’s some nerve. I’m not submissive. I’m not weak. I’m not.”  He looks at me as he paces back and forth in the loft, his eyes not leaving mine. He’s loud and firm and I can see the anger in the flash of his eyes. 

But more than that, I hear what he’s not saying.

He’s not saying that Dr. Stevenson is wrong. He’s not denying the essential truth of the matter. He’s fighting conceptions, not reality. 

“You’re right. You’re not any of those things,” I say, my voice only half as loud as his. He  stops his pacing and stands in front of me.  He lets out a breath and looks relieved for the validation. 

“But that’s not what we’re talking about, either. Not really,” I say. 

-----------Brian’s Point of View---------------

Fuck……fuck oh fuck oh fuck. 

I wish I could just be angry; that would be so much simpler than how I feel now. Now I feel sort of  betrayed, sort of revealed. Sort of embarrassed.  And now Justin wants to tell me what we’re really talking about, and I don’t know if I even want to hear this. 

-------Justin’s Point of View-------------------

“Sit down, Brian,” I say softly. And Brian sits. 

Almost immediately he jumps up. 

“What the fuck is wrong with me! I -- I just did what you said and --” 

He’s so cute when he’s queening out like this that I almost smile. He queens out so rarely, but when he does he goes for broke. 

“It’s okay, Brian,” I say, trying to take his hand. He yanks it away.

“Not now,“ he says, turning away and starting his pacing again. 

“Listen. You don’t have to sit, but just listen,” I say, thinking that he might be done with his scene. But I was wrong. 

He picks up a stray magazine from the side table where I’d left it.

“Fuck, I don’t want to listen,” he says, tossing the magazine angrily to the floor. 

Again, so cute that I suppress a smile. 

“No one said you’re weak. You’re not. You’re strong. It’s more about trust than about--” 

He turns away abruptly, walking to the bedroom, and throws himself on the bed in frustration. This is definitely the most Drama Princess that I’ve ever seen from him. 

--------Brian’s Point of View--------

I don’t know what the fuck’s gotten into me, but god.. I just. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like this sort of feeling. I don’t like people thinking that I’m -- that I’m some submissive looking to take order from everyone. 

And I don’t like people calling me a submissive in public, and I don’t like that I sat when Justin said to, and, and…. 

I stop long enough to hear myself. I’m being ridiculous. Dr. Stevenson had been entirely professional, and careful, in exploring what’s been going on between us… 

And I do like it that Justin told me to sit. 

And I am way overreacting to this.

Okay, and now I’m a little embarrassed because I’ve been acting like Gus. Okay. Like Gus used to act. When he was four. 

I sigh a little.

Then I feel Justin climbing onto the bed next to me.  

---------Justin’s Point of View-----------

He’s blushing and trying to hide his face in the blanket.  I settle myself in next to him for a while and we rest there in silence, my body half covering his.

I wait. This was so out of character for him… I guess because it’s such an  unusual and uncomfortable position for him to be in. He resisted but it wasn’t real resistance. I guess he couldn’t deny how he felt. 

Soon the moment has passed. 

“Sit with me,” I whisper. Then I get up and walk back to the living room, back to our chair.  Brian is right behind me. 

---------Brian’s Point of View-------

There we are, comfortable in this ugly wicker chair. 

“Which is easier -- being that cool, detached guy everyone calls asshole, or being Beautiful?” 

The question makes me catch my breath.

“Being the asshole.”   Justin nods and softly strokes my hair. 

“Okay. So when do you have to really be strong, not weak?” 

I swallow hard. 

“To be…Beautiful.” 

--------- Justin’s Point of View----------

Oh my god… to hear him say that. I don’t think I’ve ever… oh god… He is so beautiful.

I wrap my arms around him and hold onto him tight. 

“Okay.”  I wait for a moment before continuing.

“And that does not make you “a submissive,” the way you’re imagining it. It means you’re giving me your submission. You’re trusting me with your life.” 

Brian looks up at me and I can feel his heart beating faster.

“How do you know all of this, Sunshine?” 

“Learned a little from one of the designers for Rage in California. He and his partner were into it.” 

He nods a little and relaxes against me. 

“I mean -- they talked to me about it a little one night, but I never knew it would feel like this,” I continue. “I never knew how excited I would be by the thought. How satisfied it might make me feel.” 

-------Brian’s Point of View----------

Okay, maybe this is okay.  I think this is okay. Justin’s okay with it. He’s more than okay with it. He’s excited and satisfied…. And I…might be okay, too. 

---------Justin’s Point of View-------

“And this isn’t about me or anyone telling you to submit to me. That decision is yours, and it would be yours every day, through everything,” I assure him gently. 

He squeezes my hand. 

“Through everything?” 

“Of course. You could always stop everything, Beautiful. For whatever reason… you would just need to pick a safeword.” 

--------Brian’s Point of View------------

I know. I’ve known people who were Doms and some who were subs and I remember one of them telling me how those things worked. I remember I’d been making kind of stupid jokes or comments or something, and he’d sat me down and told me… how the safeword wasn’t a joke. 

“Someone once told me that the safeword was about communication….” I say, trying to remember everything they’d said.

“Right -- it lets me know we’re at some kind of limit. Because I never want to hurt you.” 

“I know that,” I assure him. 

“So you would have to stop me from doing that by using your safeword,” he says, meeting my eyes. 

Suddenly I get it. I totally get it.

“Like -- how I should have told you when I was… suicidal.” 

------------Justin’s Point of View--------

Holy shit. 

Holy. Shit. 

“I -- I -- yeah, Brian. Yeah.”  I can’t find words. I can’t.

He snuggles up against me and nods. 

Holy shit. 

“I will,” he says, looking up at me earnestly. “I promise I will.” 

Wow. He wants this. He said it; he wants this. 

He said he will. 

----------Brian’s Point of View---------

I’m completely happy now. Now that it’s just me and Justin, this is private and good.  I think I knew… even before Dr. Stevenson’s. I knew this; I felt it.  I’m relieved now that it’s out in the open. Now that we can talk about this… this is good. 

“What should I do for you?” he asks me quietly, his voice almost fragile. 

-----------Justin’s Point of View-------------

“Just take care of me, Sunshine.”  He is earnest, eyes open and shining into mine.  So much trust. 

“We could have a contract, some limits --” I offer. 

“We’ll talk, but listen…..” He pauses for along time, gazing at me, “Are you listening?” 

I swallow and nod, a bit overwhelmed at his intensity. 

“I trust you.”  My heart skips a beat and I kiss him softly.  I want to say something but I don’t know the words. 

“You’re…amazing. Thank you….” I stammer out. He pulls me to him, kissing along my jaw. Then I hear him in my ear, his words tender and soft.

“So Sunshine…can we?” 

Tears are streaming down my face and I take a long, shaky breath. Then I pull back and look right into his eyes.

“Yes, Beautiful. Yes.”