Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Dr. Stevenson brings up a sensitive subject; feelings are explored and discussed for the first time.... A million thanks to Minoloushe for her patience and support in discussing and analyzing the issues herein!

 

 

Why Not With Me? 

 

  Chapter Forty-Nine: Unspoken Words

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Listen….

Do you want to know a secret? 

Do you promise not to tell? 


Closer… 

Let me whisper in your ear… 

Say the words you long to hear…

 

- lyrics from Do You Want to Know a Secret, by the Beatles

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

-------------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View--------------

 

I’ve been wondering what they will decide… and if Brian chooses confrontation, I hope he has the sense to talk to me first. These sort of matters can be extremely difficult to cope with afterward. Even if one makes it through the actual discussion or confrontation, I’ve seen patients overwhelmed with doubts, with questions left unsaid, even gaps in their memory of the event. As the patient looks back on the event, it’s easy for their views of it to change, especially if they are not prepared for potential difficulty when going in. 

 

In Brian’s case my biggest concern is whether he has the appropriate coping techniques. He’s fortunate in that he has Justin; Justin is sure to be a pillar of support for him. He is exceptionally attuned to his moods and seems to be adept at addressing his emotions… even if his methods are sometimes a bit unconventional. 

 

I admit I wonder about that sometimes. I don’t have any significant experience with anyone in the uh, leather scene, so maybe I am wrong in what I think I see. But I have done a little bit of research to try to understand what is going on between them, and what I’ve found is pretty compelling. 

 

Some of Justin’s “methods” definitely fall within the realm of -- well, of bondage. And I remember during Justin’s first hour, Brian mentioned tying him up.  That perhaps isn’t so unusual….

 

But then there was the crying, fighting struggle while Brian let out his anger. That act seemed particularly laden with meaning for Brian.. I remember his embarrassment, his asking Justin to tell me what had happened, their discussion about how good the restraints felt.  It’s not at all a leap for me to think of this as a sort of “coping method,” for lack of a better term. I wonder if it’s one that Brian has given much thought to. 

 

From what I’ve found out, it’s starting to sound to me like Brian and Justin are in some kind of unconventional relationship… The depth of emotional connection that they have certainly matches the sort of descriptions that I’ve found from others. The intensity of their connection and their sexual kinks seem to fit the literature I’ve perused.

 

There is a wide variety of degrees and ways that these things could be done, from my understanding, and I’m sure they must fit in somewhere.

 

I have no idea how, or even if, to bring up something like this with them.

 

--------------------------------

 

“How are you, Brian?” I ask, watching as he comes in, holding Justin’s hand tight.  He presses his lips together for a second and smiles a little.

 

“Fine,” he says.

 

“And you?” I ask as Justin settles into his seat. 

 

“Good,” he replies. 

 

“So, fill me in on the last couple of days,” I say when no one seems to be taking the lead. 

 

“Well…. We’ve decided to confront our parents,” Brian says slowly.

 

“Parents?” Huh? 

 

“Oh. Yeah…. I’m going to talk to my father… he basically disowned me and attacked Brian at the start of our relationship.” Justin’s voice is calm and confident. He meets my eyes and smiles a little. He doesn’t seem too bothered by talking about these issues. 

 

“And I’m going to talk to Joanie,” Brian says softly.

 

I wait for them to be settled  before I say anything more. 

 

------------Brian’s Point of View---------------

 

Dr. Stevenson doesn’t show too much reaction to our news; I can tell he’s pleased but  it seems like there is something on his mind. 

 

“I’m glad that you haven’t talked to them yet,” he says. 

 

“Why?” Justin asks, taking my hand.

 

“I just want to make sure that you have some coping techniques and I want to prepare you for what might happen. What to expect,” he says quietly.  

 

I find that I don’t know what to say. I’m glad he’s thought about this -- I’ve been thinking so much about the actual talking to Joanie that I guess I haven’t thought about the rest… about the aftermath.  Last time he advised me was about Gus and parenting, and that turned out so well. I find myself looking forward to hearing what he was to say now.

 

“Coping techniques?” Justin asks, turning to Dr. Stevenson with his eyebrows raised. 

 

“Yeah. Let’s talk a little bit about what sort of things you may already do to deal with stress.” 

 

-----------Justin’s Point of View---------

 

Instantly I realize what he’s talking about… or at least, one of the things he’s talking about.  I look over at Brian, not sure if we should discuss this for the first time here, in his office. The secret knowledge won’t be so secret soon.

 

Brian looks at me and I can tell he knows, too. He gazes at me a little anxiously,  then squeezes my hand tight. 

 

Neither of us say anything. 

 

“Okay. I can see that this is a difficult subject to talk about… Let’s start with some techniques that I suggest.” 

 

Thank god, he’s going to give this a minute…. Because talking about this now is weird. Really weird.

 

---------Brian’s Point of View----------

 

Oh… today… today we might have to talk. About -- about -- about…. About everything, about being tied up and about the hours and I don’t know what on earth to say.

 

But not for a few minutes. So I try to stay focused on the here and now. Maybe Dr. Stevenson will forget and we won’t have to talk about -- about whatever it is that has been helping me so much. 

 

“Now, it helps a lot to plan out the questions you want to ask ahead of time,” Dr. Stevenson was saying when I finally tuned in again, “because otherwise it’s easy for time to slip by and then later you find you didn’t get the most pressing questions answered.” 

 

I nod and swallow. I actually do have a list of questions for Joanie, and I feel ahead of the game. I might even feel good about that if I wasn’t so distracted by what was coming up. 

 

“And I strongly suggest that you put a set amount of time on your meetings from the outset. For example, Justin, when you contact your father you might tell him explicitly that you want to meet him from 2 to 3 in the afternoon. That way the situation is confined and controlled by you.” 

 

-------Justin’s Point of View-------

 

That’s a great point; I can see how knowing exactly when the meeting would end would be a huge help if things started getting difficult.

 

I take a deep breath and try hard to focus on what Dr. Stevenson is saying right now, but it isn’t easy. It’s not so much that I mind discussing the restraints and all with Brian… I mean that in itself is rather difficult. But to do it here…. Maybe it’s good, somehow… maybe Dr. Stevenson will help keep things analytical. 

 

“In the past I’ve had patients who have difficulty remembering similar discussions, or whose memory of the event changes after they replay it in their mind. For that reason, I advise recording your recollections right away and then allowing yourself some time to process what has happened and discuss it,” he says, his voice calm and distant.

 

----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

I get the distinct impression that neither of them are focused on what I’m saying… I mean, I think they hear me enough to probably try the techniques that I’m talking about, but it’s pretty obvious to me that they are thinking about the techniques that they’ve talked about with me before. The handcuffs. The restraints. 

 

What surprises me is their hesitance. Their meaningful glances and raised eyebrows gave me the impression that this was not something they had talked about, and that really catches me off guard. They seem so open and communicative here in the office I guess I assumed that it was the same elsewhere. And the things they’ve discussed here openly were very difficult, emotional subjects… if they could discuss that, I wonder what makes this topic more difficult.

 

I stop talking and it takes them a few moments to realize that the room is silent now. 

 

“It seems like you’re a little bit uncomfortable,” I say, deciding to address their feelings head on. Justin looks over at me and smiles. He likes that I want to be open about this; he looks more eager to talk.  Brian seems to be biting his lower lip. 

 

“It’s just  that we haven’t really talked about this much,” Justin says, looking over to Brian, who meets his eyes. 

 

“Okay, I can see that I’ve caught you off guard. Why don’t we start on familiar ground? Just exploring what we’ve already talked about?”

 

---------Brian’s Point of View---------

 

Oh thank god for Dr. Stevenson. He’s going to ease us into this, which is good… 

 

“Alright. What sticks out in my memory is when both of you talked about being restrained. I remember that Justin, you described being restrained as a secure feeling.” 

 

Justin nods and sits up straighter in his chair. 

 

“Brian has restrained me multiple times; I really enjoy it.”  I nod to acknowledge what he has said, and then I try to move forward to Brian, who is gazing straight ahead. 

 

“And Brian, you had described feeling angry and almost out of control before Justin put you in the restraints. Afterwards you felt calm and peaceful,” I state neutrally after glancing at my notes for his exact wording. 

 

Brian meets my eyes, thankful that I was sticking to well-tread ground. 

“That’s true -- being restrained… being stopped from whatever I might do, to myself or to other people -- it felt good. Very good,” he says, voice soft and steady.  Justin rests his hand on Brian’s knee and Brian settles back against his chair. 

 

“I remember you talked about not wanting to be violent, that you were afraid of handling anger the way your parents did,” I observe. Brian nods.

 

“Let’s think more about this idea of being stopped. You mention being stopped from things you might do to yourself. Can either of you tell me more about that?” 

 

---------Justin’s Point of View--------

 

“The rules,” I say automatically. Brian turns and looks at me, his eyes wide. 

 

“You weren’t expecting that,” Dr. Stevenson says quietly. 

 

“No -- I wasn’t,” Brian replies, taking in a slow breath. 

 

“Okay. So in what ways do the rules stop you?”  Brian swallows and then answers, looking directly at Dr. Stevenson. 

 

“Well, I don’t ever want to have any more attempts. I don’t want Justin to find me, like you said. Our rules stop me from drinking and doing drugs alone… and basically that stops the attempts.”

 

------------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

 

“Okay, so you feel that you won’t ever attempt suicide without some kind of substance use.” He’s never said this explicitly before and I want to be sure I understand him correctly.  I also don’t want to become too distracted from the main topic though, either. 

 

“Right,” Brian says softly. 

 

“Okay. I want to explore that more at another session. Right now, I want to think about the ways in which the rules are helping you.” 

 

“He added the drug and alcohol ones, and the tricking one,” Justin volunteers. 

 

“I remember you telling me about this; you two had talked after you tricked, right? You came in and told me you felt better because of the clarity of your new rules,” I say, addressing Brian. 

 

-------------Brian’s Point of View----------

 

That’s right…. The clarity of the rules, the orderly idea of knowing when and how I would be hurting Justin. How it provided security, safety, and predictability. 

 

“That’s when you said that someone with my -- my family history -- might feel best with clear boundaries and expectations,” I say, thinking back to how true that insight had proven to be.  Dr. Stevenson nods, apparently happy that I remember his points. 

 

“Right. So the rules have been a sort of support to you and your relationship. They have also kept you feeling safe emotionally and physically from yourself,” Dr. Stevenson says, summarizing. 

 

“It seems to me that you have come a long way in meeting some of those needs that were left unmet as a child. You have considerably more structure and more stability in your relationship, and you have a way to address destructive or negative impulses,” he continues.

 

--------Justin’s Point of View---------

 

I’m a little bit amazed at all that Dr. Stevenson is saying. Without explicitly setting out to address these problems, we have somehow worked together on them anyway. Knowing that I have been able to do that for him makes me so proud. 

 

Brian squeezes my hand and scoots his chair closer to me. 

 

“Now, how about an update on the issue of letting others care for you? How have your hours been progressing?”  I watch Brian blink a few times at the question, then he draws in a long breath before answering. 

 

“Good.” 

 

I can see him struggling even to say that much. I can also see the expression on Dr. Stevenson’s face -- he’s not exactly impatient, but it’s clear he’s going to need more of an answer than this.  I stand up and take Brian’s hand. He stands up and the two of us settle in his chair. 

---------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View----------

I should have known that it was coming; I can hardly recall any time when they’ve stayed in separate seats. Someday, as a joke, I’ll put out only one seat and see what happens.

 

“Tell me what you mean. What has been going on that makes it good? Describe the actions for me. You‘ve said that Justin holds you sometimes.”  

 

I’m hoping that this will be an easier starting place for him that the feelings themselves, and I’m right. 

 

“Yeah -- he does that still. And he talks to me about work, about problems… We’ve been talking a lot more lately. And he always seems to know how to make me feel better. Like with massage, or with the restraints. Or keeping me home from work even.” 

 

“It sounds like he has been taking care of you in a multitude of ways.”  Brian swallows and twirls his fingers into Justin’s hair. 

 

“He has……I like it.” His voice is so soft I almost miss the end. 

 

“That’s wonderful, Brian,” I say in my warmest voice. I’m so proud of him, for what he can do now and what he can say.  He clears his throat and Justin kisses him for a second. 

 

“How do you see this, Justin?” I ask.

 

-----------Justin’s Point of View-------

I look deep into Brian’s eyes. They are dark amber-colored. Dark, shiny. Deep. 

 

“I’ve noticed it -- that he seems to accept it more. To like it… he asked me about whether it’s draining to take care of him, and it isn’t… I love it. I love the way it makes me feel. Confident and intuitive and nurturing,” I say, as much to Brian as to Dr. Stevenson. 

 

 

“Okay. What sort of things have you been doing for him? How does he react? I really want to understand the dynamic of what goes on between you,” he says, his voice sincere and gentle.  He looks over at Brian and me, maybe at the way he settled in my lap, and presses his lips together, suppressing a smile. 

 

“I’ve been -- sort of directing him… I mean, during his hours but then, sometimes when it’s not.” 

 

“What do you mean, directing him?” 

 

----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

 

“I mean -- he looks to me,” I say, not knowing how else to put it. “He looks to me and wants, maybe he needs me to….” 

 

Here Justin trails off, slowly closing his mouth and clearing his throat. I wait as Brian runs his fingertips along Justin’s cheek. 

 

“To what?” I finally prompt. 

 

“To tell him what to do.” 

 

-----------Brian’s Point of View-----------

 

There.  There it is.  I can see the look of worry and relief in Justin’s eyes, and the look of astonishment in Dr. Stevenson’s.  

 

He’s looking to me for some kind of confirmation. And I know I have to give it. Because that’s what it is. I have been wanting that…I notice how automatic my hesitation is now when I’m upset. I look to him, knowing he will take care of me and really needing him to. I need him to tell me what to do; to take charge of my actions sometimes, like when he told me on the phone that I wasn’t going to drink because of the rules. Or when we sat and talked about the first two attempts. I needed to talk, but I did it because he said it. He was totally right. 

 

Or when he kept me home from work. Never would I have stayed home from work on my own; I know that. I’ve called in sick maybe four days in my whole life, and never for any emotional reason.

 

But Justin called me in. If I had gone to work, I would have been fine, probably, on the outside. On the inside though, I wasn’t fine. At work all of that would have been suppressed.  Days have gone by like that; me more angry than I need to be, too biting, maybe too dismissive of good ideas. Maybe too harsh on Cynthia or Ted, who honestly deserve better.  Moreover, I would have felt like shit. 

 

It was the kind of feeling I knew well, if I let myself think about it honestly. A feeling that drove me to Babylon not so long ago, and on so many days. A feeling that made me want to forget, to get away. To drink, to trick. To keep everyone and everything at bay. 

 

But I didn’t go to work; Justin called me in.  And he spent the rest of the day taking care of me. 

 

“Brian?” Dr. Stevenson’s voice cuts into my thoughts and I realize I haven’t said anything for a long time.  I look over at him and try to focus my thoughts. 

 

“What are you thinking about?” 

 

“Well, you remember the other day when we came in at noon? Justin called me in from work…. And I was just thinking about what would have happened if he didn’t do that. If it were just up to me, and I’d gone to work.” 

 

-----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View----------

 

This sounds like a promising insight; whatever it was surely had him deep in thought. 

 

“What do you imagine would have happened if you’d gone to work?” 

 

“It’s not that I imagine. I know what would’ve happened; it’s happened probably dozens of times in the past,” Brian corrects me.

 

“Okay, so what has happened in the past?” 

 

“I go to work and I end up treating people kind of shitty, maybe even the work suffers, who knows? And I get more stressed out, I guess. However you call it, I end up wanting to drink, escape, dance, trick,” he says, no emotion in his voice. 

 

I’m a bit startled by the revelation; it’s a wonderful connection that he’s made between his feelings and habits, and now to see how that pattern is being broken is like music to my ears.  I smile broadly at him. 

 

“That’s a great, useful observation. So instead of repeating that destructive pattern, how would you describe what happened when  you stayed home from work?”  I ask, pressing for more. 

 

He pauses again and softly kisses Justin’s nose, then presses his cheek against Justin’s in a tender display. 

 

“Instead -- instead we talked…and I….” here a big pause, then, “I cried even and he just took care of me. I don’t know how to put it -- but he was just there,” he says, with meaningful emphasis on the final word. 

 

I nod empathetically but I continue, wanting to see how far he can go with this. 

 

“And how did that make you feel? Let’s talk about how this caring for you makes you feel. Before hand you felt….” I trail off and he fills it in as I hoped he would. 

 

“Nervous… exhausted…maybe…scared.” 

 

“Okay, and afterward? After talking about all of those painful memories?”  He closes his eyes for just a second, drawing strength. 

 

“I felt really good -- peaceful….calm.” 

 

“He and I talked about it -- he started the conversation, about how I felt after I took care of him all day. And we both felt good,” Justin comes in, shifting a little in their chair.

 

--------Justin’s Point of View-----------

 

Wow. I am so proud of Brian right now… he’s done so well. He has been so honest and so descriptive of how he feels. Even though I think I know how he felt, hearing it like this is still a day I never thought I’d see. 

 

“So both of you are satisfied with the aspect of taking care,” he says and we nod. 

 

“To be clear, I consider setting limitations such as the rules to be “caring for,” so long as those rules are set for the good of a person, and are agreed to as such,” Dr. Stevenson says, watching to see if either of us find that objectionable. 

 

But we don’t. 

 

-----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View-------

 

 

“How does it feel when Justin gives you that guidance? Those directions to follow? Do you feel bossed, or resentful?” I ask. Brian shakes his head emphatically. 

 

“Justin’s not trying to tell me what to do in that way. He’s not trying to take over my life… He’s guiding me and supporting me. I know that when he says it; I trust that… And following his orders doesn’t make me resent him. It makes me calmer, safer… and I really can feel how he loves me.” 

 

Brian’s voice is soft and gentle as he says it, revealing so much of himself, his body wrapped in Justin’s.

 

“And Justin? How do you feel?” 

 

“To have Brian’s trust that way… it takes so much strength to do what he does. I respect that and cherish it.”

 

There isn’t a lot more that needs to be said.

 

We’ve covered a lot of ground today; I think they might be ready to discuss our original topic now.  I clear my throat and set down my pen. 

 

“First I want to say that I’m really pleased with what I’ve heard tonight… You both have demonstrated a great deal of growth and have a truly remarkable relationship.” I pause, letting this sink in before I continue. 

 

“The types of activities that we’ve talked about can easily be considered coping techniques, though it is clear to me that there is a much more meaningful and wide-ranging function than that.” 

 

I pause again and see both of their eyes on me, their attention riveted. 

 

“Now, this is new territory for me, so I’m sorry if I say something wrong. But I think that given what you’ve shared about your relationship, from the physical to the more emotional aspects, that it’s clear what we’re  talking about here.”

 

I pause again for a moment, dropping my voice to a whisper. 

 

“From what I know of the inner dynamics of these things, it seems to me that you two are in some kind of Dominant / submissive relationship. Do you think that’s a fair way to characterize it?” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

*sits quietly, nervously* 

I am so nervous to see what everyone thinks of this chapter! The ideas within it are something I've tried to build organically (character-driven) from the beginning of the story and...I can't believe it's finally gotten to this point... *so nervous*

I want to be really clear that I am in no way trying to characterize all D/s -related relationships, only to present one conception as I see it. Dr. Stevenson has done a little reading about it and the concepts will be explored more in future chapters.

While I will not allow personally negative or derogatory comments to stand, please share your thoughts, including constructive criticism.

***really excited and really, really anxious to see if you can see where I'm trying to go with this, if it's believable within the context of the story* 

**Please share your thoughts!!!!!**

 

I wanted to thank sfscarlet because I was subconsciously influenced by her Emmett's description and format in my birthday book entries, as I realized when I reread her great fic, "The World Revolves Around Brian."   I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. 

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