Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Brian and Justin talk...includes discussion of suicide and a revelation for Brian.

Why Not With Me? 

Chapter Forty-Five: Resist

 

 

----------------------------------------------------

 

I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, 

You could cut ties with all the lies 

That you’ve been living in…. 


The angry boy, 

A bit too insane, 

Icing over a secret  pain… 


Everyone’s got to face down the demons, 

Maybe today, 

We can put the past away…

 

- lyrics from Jumper, by Third Eye Blind

 

 

------------Justin’s Point of View----------------

 

I sat and watched Brian for almost an hour that afternoon. I watched him beneath the blankets, his figure changed  by the heavy beanbags that covered him. 

 

He somehow looked so innocent lately, so unguarded and open. In moments like this, it hit me like a thunderbolt -- it hit me just how far we had come. Six weeks ago he didn’t want to even admit to having had a nightmare and he balked at the suggestion that he see a psychologist. Now he’d just come back from an emergency appointment because he’d spent the morning sharing memories of rape and attempted suicide with me. 

 

And now he is here, asleep in the early afternoon sunlight. 

 

I bite my lip to fight off the wave of emotion that comes with the thoughts… I never dreamed I would know him so well. I never dreamed that we would be -- no, that we could be -- so close. I never knew that I had the strength to be so close to him and to support him through so much. 

 

It hasn’t been easy.  There have been days when I’ve felt drained myself, or days when I felt that things were getting complicated or overwhelming. There have been times when  I have wondered if I am doing the right things for him. 

 

Taking care of Brian hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been fulfilling in a way that nothing in my life has ever been before. There is something about it that allows me to express the deepest feelings I have for him; it is an outlet for emotions that I can’t express elsewhere, like tenderness. I have held nothing back from him; I haven’t tried to reserve any part of myself. I’ve given him all that I have. 

 

But I haven’t lost; I’ve gained. I’ve gained so much from what he has given me of himself and what he has shown me about myself. I’ve gained from his trust, from his love. And I’ve learned that I can be strong, that I can be intuitive, that I can trust my own instincts to soothe and calm and support.

 

And I’ve learned a lot about Brian…. 

 

That secret knowledge that had lingered for years in the back of my mind has gradually moved closer to my everyday thoughts, mostly because I’ve seen so much more of it confirmed in small, everyday little actions of Brian’s.

 

Some things weren’t a huge deal on the surface. Like when he let me tell him he wasn’t going to work, or when he let me call Dr. Stevenson for him. Then there were times last night, when we got home and he looked to me to tell him what to do. 

 

Those moments were so poignant but so natural. When Brian looked up at me, his eyes full of trust, and waited for me to take his hand or tell him to go to the bedroom, it made my heart skip a beat.  Brian was looking to me, and trusting me, to help him.  And each time, there was an answering call in my heart and somehow I knew what needed to be done. 

 

-------------- Brian’s Point of View----------- 

 

I woke up feeling really, really good. Warm and content and just --- whole.  A moment after I woke up, I felt Justin sit on the bed and I opened my eyes to see him. 

 

“How are you?” he asks, smiling slightly, his eyes scanning my face. 

 

“So much better,” I say honestly and smile back at him, watching his grin widen. 

 

“Can I take these off?” he asks quietly. I nod and lay my head down again while he removes the blankets and sandbags that cover me.  When he’s done, he kisses me softly. 

 

“Let’s talk for a little while in the living room,” he says. I nod again and he takes my hand, guiding me there. 

 

----------Justin’s Point of View-------------

 

When we are settled against one another in the chair, his arms wrapped around me, I know it’s the right time to start. 

 

“So that time… after the coach… you wanted to be saved,” I say softly. I feel Brian tense momentarily at the mention, but he relaxes almost immediately. 

 

“I guess I did… I pretty much knew my sister would find me and she would have to do something.” I nod and take his hand in mine. 

 

“Did you and your sister get along as children?” 

 

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “I guess so. I don’t know. We basically just survived together, you know?”  He looks up at me, hoping that I will understand so he doesn’t have to say more. 

 

“Making dinner and doing homework,” I say softly and he nods. 

 

“Did they abuse her, too?” I ask. Brian twists his face away. 

 

“Not the same,” he says. “I mean… Jack hit her a few times I know. But more like what happens to regular kids I guess. Spankings when she’d actually done something.” 

 

I swallow and nod, watching him close. 

 

“And she saved your life,” I say, suddenly wondering if this was why Brian had continued to have contact with her and help her sometimes despite everything. 

 

 

“Yeah, she did…” Brian closes his eyes for a second, forcing back tears. 

 

“Did your parents ever talk to you about -- about the attempt?” I ask, remembering that he’d said they visited him in the hospital. 

 

Immediately the tears are back and two have escaped down his cheek. 

 

“They threatened me,” he says, “that it better not happen again because -- because the hospital staff was asking a lot of questions.”  His voice seems fragile in the noiseless loft. 

 

I feel my gut turning and clenching, thinking about Jack and Joanie worried about themselves, about getting caught for all of the horrible things they’d done to Brian. Coming to his hospital bed where he was recovering from a suicide attempt, to tell him never to do it again --- for their sake. 

 

“That makes me sick,” I say, my eyes meeting Brian’s.  He nods deeply; it sickens him, too. 

 

I take a few long, slow breaths. 

 

“And they don’t know about the others, do they?” 

 

 

---------Brian’s Point of View-----------

 

No, I’d never seen any reason that they should know. And I don’t think the University had ever told them about the other -- attempt -- because I was over 18 and they needed my consent to do so. And I hadn’t consented. 

 

“No, I didn’t consent to that,” I say, half to myself. Justin’s eyes lock on mine. 

 

“Consent for…?” 

 

“The other -- the last….” I let my voice trail off, not able to dredge the words up and out of my mouth. 

 

“When was this?” Justin asks, hand tightening around mine. 

 

“College…it was just…things weren’t going right. I was starting to have problems again on the soccer team… I’d slept with Lindsey and I thought she might not want to be friends anymore because she might want more… Then --then --”

 

---------Justin’s Point of View-----------

 

Brian had been so calm through the telling….no tears, no quavering voice. And while I could see it must have been a rough patch, I was just as sure that there had to be more to get him there. 

 

But he couldn’t get out the last words for a long moment.

 

“Then I didn’t have a job set up, and graduation was coming up. I needed to move; I had to get out of student housing and the only option was going to be moving back in with --” 

 

His voice broke but he took a deep breath and finished -- 

 

“with them…. And I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I was mostly out of my mind -- on drugs in my room. I don’t even know what I was thinking, Justin. I really don’t know -- but I knew I couldn’t move in with them and I didn’t know what else to do and --” 

 

The tears stayed in his eyes but his shoulders began to shake, containing the sobs. I wrapped him in my arms and he choked it out, “I somehow cut myself, sliced --” and he pulled  a tiny bit against his bracelet. 

 

I held on to him and whispered to him, over and over, that it was okay now. He was okay. 

 

A few minutes later, in a faint voice, he finished the story. 

 

“See…my parents were coming the next day and they wanted me to start packing and I just couldn’t do it -- couldn’t go back… My room mate found me and took me to the student health center. They uh…admitted me for a couple days.” 

 

I in took my breath and let it out slowly, absorbing this information. 

 

“My parents found out I was at the Health Center - - but because of privacy laws no one could tell them why. I refused to see them or let them be told. They knew, though, and they kept trying to send me messages, like -- messages like… it would all be okay once I repented. Shit like that -- and --”

 

His voice quavered but he kept it together. 

 

“-- and I had to break all contact with them. Which I did. For years.” 

 

I forced down the queasiness I felt and held him, and watched him, as he looked down, fingering his bracelet. 

 

Then I heard him again. 

 

“They released me but recommended that -- that I see someone. I never thought I would really have to as long as I could build a future for myself, far away from them, far away from the memories and the past… I thought I could resist the feelings myself.” 

 

His word choice wasn’t lost to me. 

 

Resist. 

 

His tattoo. 

 

Now I knew. 

 

-----------Brian’s Point of View----------

 

The silence had been so full, so natural and encompassing, that I have no idea how long Justin and I had sat there in the chair, as the afternoon wore on. 

 

“Do you know how strong you are?” he asks me, soft voice sliding into the silence.

 

Strong I am… how strong I am…. What a joke.

 

“I’m not strong -- look at what I’ve done,” I say, glancing at him sharply for missing the obvious.  He frowns at me and takes my hand firmly in his.  He turns it so that we are both staring down at my tattoo. 

 

“Read it,” he demands.  I don’t comply immediately and he sends me an even sharper look, commanding. 

 

“Resist,” I read. 

 

“Right. And those feelings -- the ones that made you say you’re not strong -- resist those,” he says, still commanding.

 

I swallow hard. 

 

“You need to realize there is so much more to you than all of this pain, Brian. Remember that? We were talking about that yesterday,” he says gently. I nod, running my fingertips over the word. 

 

“Let’s talk about that,” he says, his voice not losing that commanding tone that makes me follow somehow.  “Tell me about when you helped Ted’s porn case get dropped,” he says.  I don’t quite know why he wants to know about this, but I find the words leaving my mouth of their own accord. 

 

“Well -- he came to me… practically begging… and it actually kind of.. Hurt to see him like that because… I knew it was unfair, what was happening to him. He doesn’t fucking deserve to be treated like that.  Fuck… what he’s done isn’t a quarter of what I’ve done…. Theodore’s a good boy, you know? He’s not some sleazebag . He’s just a guy who was trying to add something he liked into his work, that’s all. And he’d tried to do the right thing and follow the law. So I mean…. sure he’s sort of a sucker but that’s -- that’s sort of why he never…I guess that no one ever -- should have that happen to them.” 

 

Justin smiles brightly at me. 

 

“It took strength for you to address these issues with Stockwell,” he says and I shrug my shoulders again. I mean, I guess so. 

 

“It did,” he insists firmly and I nod. Okay. It did… 

 

“And what was going through your head when you practically sold everything you owned for those commercial spots? Without any guarantee that it would work?” 

 

Now I have to smile a little. 

 

“You were, Sunshine… you and your little speeches about sacrifice. Because I know you and you’re right. You know what’s right and when you said it, I knew it was…I had to put my money somewhere worthwhile…and try to show a little more support of - - of the community.” 

 

------Justin’s Point of View--------

 

Brian’s voice is getting stronger through the telling and my heart is pounding with pride. 

 

“I can’t believe I did that,” Brian says softly. “I could have lost everything but… it still would have been worth it.” 

 

“Why?” 

 

“Because --- you were right and my father was wrong,” he says instinctually. My heart jumps at the response; I never saw it coming. 

 

“Wrong about what?” 

 

Brian turns to me, looks into my eyes and answers. 

 

“He was wrong about gays. It’s not wrong. And it’s not weak. It’s not bad.” 

 

We stare at one another for a minute, neither of us sure what to say or do in the face of this revelation. Brian looks as stunned as I feel. 

 

“The other day -- the night I called you to come out here,” Brian begins quietly, his eyes with a faraway look, “Emmett was over here getting ready for the Gala and… he was all dressed up. H wanted me to dress up, too,” he says. 

 

I nod. Emmett had told me, giddily, about the Glamour Gala. 

 

“And he kept needling me to dress up; to let him dress me up in makeup or whatever and - - and he said my attitude was hardly better than some homophobes and --” his voice was fast now, thinking as the pieces started to fit together -- and he asked me why and I didn’t know and -- “ 

 

“and now I think it’s because of all those things that my father had said I -- it stayed with me somehow and --” he trails off, relaxing into my arms, tension leaving him. 

 

“And now you know that is what he thought, and it isn’t what you think. And you have shown it, Brian. You’ve shown your support.”  He nods and pulls me to him, kissing me. 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

I know this chapter's a little shorter... it took off on it's own, even while I wasn't sure of the direction, and is demanding to be written in sections. The next section will be done pretty soon.  Sorry for the length!

I hope this all makes sense; I went back and forth a lot on this chapter. I am very interested to know what you think of Justin's opening thoughts (thanks to veglogic for inspiring that), on Brian's realization at the end and at the last "half-assed" attempt (it was hard to know quite how to do it). Thanks to Edom for the emphasis on Brian's need to talk -- turns out he did have much to say!

Thank you so much in advance for your comments and your overall support of the story. I have been trying to wait in replying to comments because I'd noticed that it seemed to deter others from commenting (or it seemed to). Anyway, I cherish comments more than you'll ever know and read immediately, I promise!  I'll be posting responses to all comments soon. :)

Thanks again!

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