Why Not With Me? 

Chapter Forty-One: Up to Today

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If you want to sing out, sing out.

And if you want to be free, be free. 

‘Cause there’s a million things to be…

You know that there are…

You can do what you want

The opportunity’s on

And if you find a new way 

You can do it today. 

You can make it all true 

And you can make it undo, you see…

- from If You Want to Sing out, Sing Out, by Cat Stevens

-----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View--------

Brian and Justin walk into the office hand in hand, each smiling just slightly at me. I think it’s the happiest I’ve ever seen them. 

I grin back at them, wondering what caused this unexpected joy that was radiating from them both.

“How are you?” I ask, watching them arrange their chairs closer still.  Justin glances up and  practically lights up the room with his smile. 

“Good,” he answers, settling into his chair.  I nod and glance at Brian, waiting for his answer. 

“Fine,” he says, but with a broad smile.

“You two seem to be doing very well today,” I observe.  “Was it a good weekend?” 

Justin nods and bites his lip, as if to keep himself from saying something. He glances at Brian, their eyes meeting for a few long moments. I wonder what they’re discussing over there, silently. Whatever it is, Brian nods slightly and looks down for a moment before looking back at me. 

“After -- everything we discussed Friday -- I realized something,” Brian says softly, “I realized that…that it’s time. It’s time for -- us. Only us.” 

My heart pounds  a little harder. Just like that, Brian had decided on monogamy? After six years? I look at him closely and he seems content and assured.  I guess when he’s ready, he doesn’t waste a moment, and doesn’t hold back. Once I get over my initial surprise, I realize how happy I am for him --- for them. 

“Congratulations,” I say, getting up to shake their hands. I reach Justin first, and he seems practically giddy, glancing at Brian, smiling, smiling at me.

When I get to Brian, he takes my hand in both of his and holds on an extra moment, holding my gaze, too. 

“Thank you,” he says softly.  I feel myself smiling almost as much as they are. It is so good to know that I’ve helped them; they are so good together, and now they are more together than ever. 

It’s a moment before I’m settled back in myself and ready to move forward with today’s session. 

----------Justin’s Point of View-----------

I can’t believe that Brian told Dr. Stevenson about us -- and so easily. Being with him…talking about it, thinking about it, hearing him talk about it… it makes it so real, to say it in public… it makes me so ridiculously happy and jumpy and excited…. Excited in this visceral, little-kid sort of way, like I could just jump up and down, or shout it from the rooftops, or….

I take a deep breath and settle for squeezing Brian’s hand and kissing him softly on the cheek. 

Dr. Stevenson clears his throat and picks up his pen, and suddenly I’m focused again. 

“Have you thought any more about your substance use, Brian?” 

And just like that, the mood in the office changes. Brian  meets Dr. Stevenson’s eyes and nods. 

“What have you been thinking about it?” 

“I…Sunday. Sunday we went to  Debbie’s for dinner and…” Brian pauses, taking a breath, and I can practically hear his hesitation.

“And I didn’t drink… I ordered a drink. But I didn’t actually drink it. And Justin -- Justin didn’t take any alcohol.” 

--------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

I can tell from Brian’s tone and the shifts of Justin’s eyes that there is more to this story. 

“Why didn’t you take any alcohol, Justin?” 

“Because…I thought it would be easier for Brian if I didn’t.”  I nod and write for a moment. 

“Why would that make it easier?” I ask, looking back at him. He’s looking completely at Brian, and Brian is looking back, the pair behaving as though speaking only to each other. 

“I didn’t want you to feel alone,” Justin answers, addressing Brian. 

“I don’t feel alone,” Brian answers, resting his hand on Justin’s knee.  Justin smiles and puts his hand over Brian’s. 

“And how did you feel when he didn’t drink?” I ask quietly, not wanting to interrupt their conversation too much. 

I notice that Brian takes a moment to answer. When he does, he addresses only Justin, not acknowledging me at all. 

“I felt…scarred. Like I was taking things from him -- that I was asking too much, that he was giving up too much for me. I don’t want that.”  Finished, Justin squeezes his hand and he smiles. 

----------Brian’s Point of View------------

“Why are you smiling now?” Dr. Stevenson asks. 

“Because…we talked about this already,” I answer.

“And what did Justin tell you?” he asks. He always makes me say things. I should have known where this was going. 

“That…that if he doesn’t drink that’s his choice… and it’s a choice he’ll make because he’d rather go through this with me -- that it would mean more to him than drinking does.”

-----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View--------

I am so lucky to have Justin; Brian is so lucky to have Justin. Justin sees things for what they are and he helps Brian to see what’s what. Thank god Justin is on board, fighting for them, for him. 

“And what does drinking mean to you, Justin?” 

---------Justin’s Point of View-----------

I swallow hard and open my mouth, but nothing comes out for a moment. I wasn’t expecting this at all. Maybe I should have, but I wasn’t.

“Drinking? Well…it used to be…just fun. A way to prove I was older… When I first met Brian, I wanted to prove I could keep up with him. That I wasn’t just some little kid. That I could be a man like him. That I was like him and his friends, that I could be in their crowd.”   I start off looking at Dr. Stevenson, but  I feel Brian’s eyes on me, so I turn to him again. 

“And now?” 

“Now…alcohol is just something to add to a night out. Maybe a way to loosen up sometimes. I like the way some drinks taste.” 

“You have a good time without it?” 

“Sure. I mean -- I’m sort of used to it, but there are plenty of times when I don’t drink. I hardly did in New York at all.” 

“Why was it easier not to drink there, compared to here?”

Brian’s eyebrows are raised with interest and I can feel him watching my every move, his curiosity piqued.  I have to admit it’s a little hard when Dr. Stevenson keeps pressing, especially because I haven’t really thought much about this stuff. 

“Well I guess -- I guess I really only like drinking with friends. Or…mostly with Brian.” 

--------Brian’s Point of View----------

I can’t believe I didn’t know that -- that he basically doesn’t drink without me. 

“Not at all?” I ask him. 

“Well -- maybe sometimes. Once or twice a month, maybe, going out with gallery friends, but that’s it,” he answers, squirming a little, thinking I might be upset. 

I’m not upset. I’m surprised, but I’m not upset. 

“So -- you drink because of me?” 

I regret those words the moment they are out of my mouth; the moment I see Justin’s jaw drop just slightly. 

---------Justin’s Point of View ---------

Drink because of him?  

“No, and I didn’t say that,” I say firmly, glaring at him.

“How do you feel when you and Brian drink together?” Dr. Stevenson cuts in. 

Fuck… I have to turn away a second from Brian’s eyes. He’s too interested in this, and I wasn’t planning on talking about me, and I just need a minute to think. 

“Just good,” I offer slowly, “it’s fun. I don’t know. It’s relaxed…it’s easy.”   Dr. Stevenson taps his pen lightly against his front teeth for a moment, the tapping the only sound in the office. 

“In your estimation, Justin, how do alcohol and drugs alter Brian’s personality?” 

---------Brian’s Point of View--------

My heart is racing. I’m not used to be talked about in this way and it makes me strangely nervous because I never ever thought about this before, and I don’t know what Justin might say. 

----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

Justin answers haltingly. 

“He’s just…more open. More affectionate. Especially with the E.”  Justin looks over at Brian and their eyes lock for a few moments before Brian looks away. 

“That’s common. Ecstasy is known to produce feelings of empathy and a sort of feeling of affection and openness toward others,” I say, watching Brian closely.  He locks his eyes on mine and doesn’t say anything. 

“Yeah. It’s a sort of rush of good feelings…almost like a rush of falling in love or something and Brian gets so…hot and sweet on it.” 

“And how does it feel from your point of view, Brian?”  His eyes still haven’t left mine. When he answers his voice is soft and distant. 

“It does -- it feels good. It makes me feel…just feel. It makes me feel closer to Justin and it makes me want to touch him and be with him, and just love him.” 

I nod and pause for a moment, wanting to be sure I summarize correctly. 

“When you’re on ecstasy, it makes you feel closer to Justin; it makes you more open to being with him and being affectionate toward him,” I say. “And how do you feel toward him? When he is affectionate with you?” 

Brian glances away and then looks toward Justin before answering. 

“I -- I…. I don’t know. It just feels so good. Like we’re the whole world. Like there is nothing but us. Like…he is my whole world, and I’m his.”

I can see the shock of  Brian’s admission on Justin’s face. I’m sure I look a little bit the same way.  

Brian is looking down shyly.  Justin takes his hand and runs his fingers over it. 

My heart begins to pound a little in my chest. 

“Justin, how would you say this different than the way Brian usually is, without drugs or alcohol?” 

Justin blinks a few times and takes in a slow breath before answering. 

“Usually he’s…reserved. Cool…. Collected. I mean -- I know how he feels but… he hardly expresses it.” 

-------Justin’s Point of View--------

Dr. Stevenson nods and I see Brian staring hard at the floor.  I can tell it’s hard for him to hear about this; to be analyzed this way.  Dr. Stevenson is watching his every move, only periodically throwing me meaningful glances. I get the distinct impression that something is about to happen.  

Automatically I squeeze Brian’s hand. 

--------Brian’s Point of View--------

I feel almost frozen; thinking about these feelings while sober is a very weird, very uncomfortable thing to do. Having Justin here -- and having him telling me parts of it -- somehow makes this so much clearer. And yet I know there’s something more to it. 

“Brian,” Dr. Stevenson’s voice is very quiet and calm. He says only my name. He doesn’t continue until I look at him. 

“Brian,” he begins again, “it sounds to me like you were using ecstasy in part to access feelings of love towards others and to be able to openly accept and express those feelings.” 

I blink a few times and a few more times; I’m trying to blink back the tears.  I take a couple of breaths and I can’t think of anything to say at all. 

--------Justin’s Point of View---------

Brian looks like a deer caught in the headlights. I feel my stomach clenched and my fingernails are digging into my skin where they are clenched against my palm. 

“You have a great deal of difficulty accessing those feelings, and ecstasy is one way of enabling yourself to be more emotional. You were able to be more emotionally uninhibited in a way that you couldn’t in any other context. And it enabled you to be more accepting of the affection that you really need,” Dr. Stevenson says, his voice warm and quiet. 

I feel Brian’s hand tighten around mine; I see his biting his lip really hard. My heart is pounding. 

------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View------

Brian is fighting hard not to cry. I know this would be a shock to him; for him to realize the function that ecstasy has served is going to make it clear to him how these needs have existed for a long time, never properly met. 

He takes a few deep breaths and fidgets in his chair. 

“I -- I don’t know what to say.”  I nod and Justin runs his hand along Brian’s jaw. I wait for a minute, watching as Justin whispers something into Brian’s ear.  

“Does that make sense?” I ask finally. He pulls his lips into his mouth and nods.  

---------Brian’s Point of View-------

Wow. 

I never knew -- I never would have thought. I love the feelings I have on E. I always have. For years, I’ve loved taking hits. They added a little something special to a casual fuck, or even to dancing with Michael. 

But with Justin -- E is just different. It’s more intense. It’s exponentially better, stronger… It’s more like a glow and a warmth that we’re both living in. And that’s -- that’s because of what Dr. Stevenson said. It all clicks. It makes sense. 

For years I’ve done E. For years. Looking for…looking for…looking for love. My heart constricts at the realization.

“You need to relax a little,” Dr. Stevenson says to me and I can hear the concern in his voice.

-------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View-------

Justin goes and settles himself into Brian’s lap, his arms wrapped around Brian, who smiles genuinely and kisses Justin softly on the lips. 

I scribble a couple of notes and try to give them a minute of privacy but it’s hard not to watch the easy tenderness between them, not to stare at the soft wetness of their kisses, or the way that Brian’s fingers lace through Justin’s hair. 

-------Justin’s Point of View----------

I can feel the uneasiness in Brian when I sit on his lap. I can see it in the sort of vague look in his eyes, and the way that it takes his lips an extra moment to part against mine. 

I kiss him softly, watching as he closes his eyes and hearing his soft sigh.  I feel his fingers against my neck and he leans his forehead against mine. His lips are more confident now. I pull away for a second and he looks into my eyes. He’s doing better now. I turn and settle into the crook of his arm. 

---------Brian’s Point of View--------- 

Somehow, kissing Justin and having him in my arms calms everything inside me. It doesn’t resolve everything, but it calms every thought, every worry, every doubt and memory that’s racing through my mind.

I tighten my arm around Justin. When I turn my head back to Dr. Stevenson, I catch him watching us and he looks slightly sheepish.

--------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View-------

Those two have something -- they really have something. They manage to create their own little universe for a those few moments. It couldn’t have been more than two minutes, yet now Brian is looking so much better. So much more calm and ready to deal with this issue a little further. 

“The feelings that you get from ecstasy -- think about them. Do you feel them any other times?” I ask. 

Brian nods and a small smile comes across his lips. 

“Well -- other times a little but….during our hours together.”

--------Justin’s Point of View---------

I pull my arms tighter around him when he says that. It is amazing to hear him say that; to hear him talk about these things, and admit these feelings, and -- and everything -- it’s just amazing.  

“I am so happy to hear you say that,” Dr. Stevenson says gently.  I feel Brian shift slightly and I look down in time to see him smile back a little. 

“So Brian -- I want you to give that some thought this week. Let’s talk a little more about alcohol; I don’t want to forget about that,” Dr. Stevenson says, letting out a breath. 

Brian nods and so Dr. Stevenson continues. 

“How long have you been drinking, Brian?” 

---------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View------------

Brian hesitates for only a second, calculating the totals in his mind. 

“Since I was maybe…15.” 

“You first tried alcohol at 15?” I ask to clarify. 

“No -- I think.. I think I first tried it earlier. I probably did…I guess around 13 or 12.” This is pretty much what I expected him to say, given the prevalence of alcohol in the home, the casualness of its use and the utter lack of adult supervision in the home. 

“Tell me about the first time you tried alcohol.”  Brian twists up his mouth slightly, thinking back. 

“My father told me to clear the table. He had some kind of -- I don’t know if it was beer, or watered-down something else… but it was left in his glass. I was just kind of looking at it, and I smelled it. He saw me and said I could finish it if I wanted to. So I tried some.” 

“And did you like it?”  Brian shakes his head. 

“No… I didn’t drink really and enjoy it until I was maybe 15.”

“Describe for me what drinking was like for you then -- maybe from then until you were twenty,” I suggest. 

-------Justin’s Point of View-------

I can’t believe Brian’s parents… offering alcohol to him when he was hardly a teenager. 

God…

“Well -- I’d drink with buddies, mostly. From the soccer team in high school or college, whatever. Socially. After games. That sort of thing.” 

Dr. Stevenson scribbles something on his note pad. 

“Brian, was it difficult for you to fit into the team atmosphere at all? What sort of role did you have socially within the team?” 

I don’t quite see how this relates to anything, but I love to hear about Brian’s past. 

“I guess I was pretty much the leader. I was the team captain.” 

Dr. Stevenson scribbles more notes. 

-------Brian’s Point of View------

Dr. Stevenson’s taking a lot of notes over stupid soccer games. 

“How would you say that your alcohol use compared to others on your team?” 

“I guess I drank more than anyone. I could always hold my liquor,” I say, now genuinely puzzled over where all of this was leading. 

Dr. Stevenson writes for a little more. 

“And did you feel like you fit in with the team? Did you feel that they accepted you?” 

My breath catches in my throat, suddenly recalling when I’d first joined the team and… it was right around when the coach had -- when I’d sucked him off. 

Someone found out. Somehow. 

I remember the name calling. The teasing. The cruelty and the isolation and the tension that followed. 

------------Justin’s Point of View---------

I feel a chill run through Brian’s body and I look over to see him close his eyes for a moment and bite his lower lip. 

I can tell that he’s remembering something and trying hard not to remember it. 

I wrap my arms around him again and wish that he would relax against me. 

--------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View----

“What is it? What do you remember?” I ask softly. Justin glances at me, almost as though he’s worried that I’ll push him too hard. 

Brian opens his eyes and  takes a deep breath. 

“Just…when some of the team first found out that I was gay I -- they… they were pretty cruel.”

I notice that Justin is stroking Brian’s arm with one hand and his hair with the other. 

“And that attitude changed?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Before too long the guys didn’t care so much any more.”

“And what caused this change? What sort of things did you do with them?” 

Brian’s eyes lock on mine again and I know that he sees where I’m going with this. 

“Drinking,” he says slowly, “I was drinking with them. I wanted to show them that -- that  I was a man’s man. That I could hold my own against any of them.” 

“Okay, that makes sense. So you got their acceptance and got to be their leader because you were able to master their social activity -- drinking.” 

Brian nods and tries to smile.

“Now what about at Babylon?” 

Instantly his smile is gone, replaced by a blank, wide-eyed look.

-------Justin’s Point of View-------

Fuck. I know a little something about high school harassment. But at least I had an art department to thrive in. At least I wasn’t trying to -- trying to fit in with all those jocks who hated me so passionately. 

Thinking of their virulence, I can’t imagine trying to spend a lot of time with that crowd. That he felt he needed their approval…I don’t even know what to think about that.

And Babylon? I don’t understand.

“Babylon?” Brian asks, his voice echoing my own confusion.

“What is your role at Babylon?” Dr. Stevenson asks. “How are you seen there?” 

“As the hottest top,” Brian answers easily.

“It’s more than that,” I hear myself say. Brian glances at me.

“How do you see it, Justin?” Dr. Stevenson asks me. Brian looks over, an uncertain look on his face. 

“Just -- it’s more than that, Brian. You -- have this image as…perfection. As the most gorgeous, best top, most successful… as what everyone sort of aspires to be…but unattainable.”

----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View---------

I can see Brian’s a little bit happy to hear this assessment, to have his ego stroked this way. Justin’s assessment rings true to me; I can see it easily in my mind’s eye. Even seeing Brian this way, alone and outside of a social context, his obsession with being perfect is evident. 

“Would you say that you’re approachable, Brian?” I ask. He smirks.

“I don’t really think I want to be,” he says. He doesn’t seem to be aware of what he has said. I let silence fall. 

-------Brian’s Point of View-----------

Why isn’t anyone saying anything? 

Justin’s looking sort of funny. Dr. Stevenson is watching me closely.

 Why is it so quiet? What did I say? 

I think back for a second: I said I didn’t want to be approachable.

That’s true -- I don’t want to be -- approached. But why? 

“Brian? What are you thinking about?” Dr. Stevenson asks. 

“Why -- why don’t I want to be approachable… I….” My voice trails off. I don’t know how to finish it; I don’t know how to answer the question. 

“Before Justin came along, were there lots of people who wanted to have a relationship with you?” Dr. Stevenson asks.

Before Justin? Wanting a relationship with me?

“Sure. People who wanted me to fuck them regularly,” I offer.

“No, Brian…people who wanted to be close to you. Who wanted to spend time with you in other ways, too.” Dr. Stevenson’s  voice is gentle but the words are… I …fuck.  Fuck. God. Fuck. Oh fuck….Tears are stinging my eyes. 

“No,” I manage to say, “not…not really.”

----------Dr. Stevenson’s Point of View -----------

Justin’s arms are around him again, his hand rubbing Brian’s back gently. 

“If you were approachable then people might get close to you,” I say quietly. “And they might see that you’re not perfect, that you’re human. And they might try to love you anyway. All of that comes with a lot of risk. Risk of showing who you are. How you feel. And letting someone love you.” 

Tears are trailing down Brian’s cheeks now. Justin huddles him in his arms closer. 

-------Justin’s Point of View---------

Brian’s crying. God………I was the first one? No one had ever…pushed him for more? No one else had ever really tried to get through to him? The first to break through all of his -- his image? 

“It’s okay, Brian. It’s okay,” I tell him quietly. He nods and wipes the tears from his face. 

“Justin, how would you say alcohol plays in his persona in general?” Dr. Stevenson asks. 

Huh…well…

“You know -- it’s part of it  I guess. People expect it. It’s what he does.” Dr. Stevenson nods knowingly and Brian tosses a Kleenex into the trash can. 

-------------Brian’s Point of View---------------

Dr. Stevenson takes in a deep breath and scoots his chair just slightly closer to me.

“I’d like to tell you what I think,” he says, voice nearly inaudible. “Okay?”

I think of the last time he sort of warned me like this; that one day…when he told me it would be difficult and was I going to stay? And then he ripped my heart out, shredded it and put it back together.

I hope this goes better, easier. Less teary. 

“Okay,” I say, bracing myself.

“I think alcohol is building up a persona for you. It’s a part of a persona that has helped you be accepted, and that has gotten you attention. But at the same time, it has kept you at a distance from other people. It’s intertwined with your image, and living as an image is keeping you from really being who you are.”

Tears swell up in my eyes and I try really hard to keep them in. I can feel my cheeks flush. What he’s saying is…. Is…god. It’s true. I think it’s true. Justin’s squeezing my hand. 

“This persona is  made up of an attitude and actions that people expect -- the drinking, the tricking, the attitude. But it isn’t serving you -- not really. It’s ont giving you what you really need. It was just keeping you safe, Brian. It wasn’t letting you be loved the way you need to be, or to love the way you need to.” 

The tears spill down my cheeks.  I see a couple in Justin’s eyes, too. 

“So Brian… what you need to think about is whether you’re ready to quit drinking. If you’re ready to quit taking drugs. And if you’re ready to deal only with the real you. With what you feel and what you need.”