Why Not With Me? 

Chapter Thirty-Nine: Gaining You

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This is my life 

It’s not what it was before

All the feelings I’ve shared 

And these are my dreams

That I’ve never lived before…

Now that we’re here, 

It’s so far away

All the struggle we thought was in vain

All the mistakes one life contained,

They all finally start to go away.

Now that we’re here it’s so far away

And I feel like I can face the day…

I can forgive and I’m not ashamed

To be the person that I am today. 

- lyrics  from So Far Away, by Staind

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-----Justin’s Point of View --------

The next day is  Saturday. I wake up, Brian’s arm strewn around me. It takes a minute before I remember why I feel so unbelievably warm and good inside. Then I hear Brian’s voice so soft in my ear last night. 

Only us. 

I take a deep breath and settle back into bed. This is the first day….the first day of the rest of our lives as…as a couple.

Brian’s breathing is steady and slow next to me. I look at him in the dimness of the morning. The shadows accentuate his cheekbones, and the moonlight pales him, making his eyelashes seem darker, fuller.

It’s us now; he’s mine. What I’ve wanted for so long is here, finally here. For all we’ve gone through, this is still more than I ever thought it would be. In this last month or so I’ve gotten to know him. Really know him. And I know that those things will always be private, that his trust ends with me. And now I have the rest. I have his body, I have his lust, I have his need. I know his past; I know his fears. I know his struggles and his triumphs.  Now it is for me to take care of him; now it’s me who is responsible for loving him.  This is the greatest gift I’ve ever known.

And to know that he wants me for his own…To be his, totally…. It is the most secure feeling I’ve ever known.

-------Brian’s Point of View--------------

Justin’s awake when I wake up. I look over and he smiles at me, then brings his hand over and slides his fingertips down my cheekbones, soft as though I were breakable. 

He leans in and kisses me, lips warm and breath warmer against my mouth. His hair is messy and his eyes are bright with rest.  He’s already close but I pull him closer, wanting to feel his skin against me. Always so warm in the morning, so good. 

He comes over, settles himself against me, resting his hand on my hip, skimming it with the pad of his thumb. I close my eyes for a second and focus on how just that small touch has my cock stirring. How that gentle back-and-forth at the curve of my hip is so sensitive, and moreover, how Justin knows that. How he makes me feel like this.

--------Justin’s Point of View---------------

Brian closes his eyes and I slide my hand to his ass. He bites his lip a little and shifts closer to me, leans in for more.  I smile and kiss him again, this time my tongue parts his lips.  His head falls back and I move over him to push my tongue inside. He sighs and turns himself to lie flat on his stomach.

I put my knees on either side of him, sitting at the top of his thighs,  and bring my hands to his shoulders.  He shifts around, snuggling closer against the blankets, burrowing in while I massage him. 

Someone watching us now might think that this is his hour; that this is about me taking care of him. Well; I am taking care of him -- but this is more. This is also him taking care of me, him knowing what I want this morning, what I need this morning, and offering it to me.  This is him knowing how much I want to see him open this way, and doing it for me.

His lean muscles release their tension easily after sleep and it isn’t too long before the massage itself is done.. I flatten myself, leaning against him until my mouth is close to his ear.

“You want me,” I murmur, my voice below a whisper. He nods, his hips press slightly into me. 

------Brian’s Point of View---------

His kisses are hot on my skin, open-mouthed and wet, starting right at the base of my skull and going down, lighting me up in a zig-zagging pattern moving down my back. 

I feel myself flush as his mouth gets to my low back; it’s always been sensitive to tenderness.  I shift, my thighs spreading for him because I can’t deny it. Can’t deny how I feel or what I want.  He groans seeing that, seeing me spread before his eyes, and the purring in his throat makes me harder, makes me press against the sheets, leaking.

He’s right there; right at the top of my crack when he turns from kisses to licks; when he starts to really make me wet.

--------Justin’s Point of View-------

His taste makes me ache, makes me so crazy. God… so crazy. I have to have more, have to get everything, all of him,  I have to taste it all, all the tangy sweetness, everything.

He’s spread wider for me; his knees bent a little, lifting up so I can push a pillow there.  I slide my tongue along, back and forth with a wide, fast stroke, and I hear him. The “ahhh, ahhh,” in every exhalation. 

My hands open him farther and he groans a little knowing that he is so revealed. Knowing what is coming. Needing it, wanting it. 

He pushes out his ass, arching his back and his erection into the bed. I keep licking, loving to see him wet, to see him glisten with my spit, to see him owning this need so openly. 

“Oh god, Justin please,” he murmurs, his words half lost in his pillow. I pull my mouth away and push him further. 

“Please what?”   He doesn’t hesitate. 

“Put your tongue in me.”  I comply immediately;  pushing against him, finding that he’s already bearing down, wanting so much. 

------------Brian’s Point of View-----------

Before Justin I think I’d only been rimmed…not even half a dozen times. Each of those times felt good, very good. But never like this, never like this at all. Maybe it was because of how fucked up and high I had to be to let it happen before. Maybe it was because I was nervous those other times. Had too much to prove; too much of a reputation to maintain. Too much of a persona to submit to how fucking much I loved it. 

No, it was never like this. This wetness, this hotness, the way Justin presses, widens, slides around. Fuck no, never like this… goddamn…. 

--------Justin’s Point of View------------

“Relax, slow down,” I advise, pulling away for a moment, letting him breath. His hands are clenching and pulling the bed sheets, his face turned so he can leave his mouth open and breath.

He nods and takes a few deeper breaths, trying to follow my advice. 

Then I look down at him, his tanned ass wet, waiting, slightly relaxed already. And I start again,  pushing my tongue all the way inside, loving his gasp and the way he pushes against me, trying to take me further in.

His gasps and groans are stuttering, quavering while I push and slide and flicker my tongue in him, while I’m losing myself in the touch of him, the taste of him, the smell and sound and sight of him. 

“Oh, fuck, oh, fuck,” he mutters, and I know he’s close, very close, to a big finish.

------------Brian’s Point of View----------

I’m so fucking close -- I could not be closer -- I just need more. More. More.

“Fuck me,” I growl, and push my ass up for him, unable to wait.

 He swipes his tongue around me one last time, then pulls away. A moment later I hear the cap of the lube; a moment after that I feel his finger sliding easily into me. I press back against it, loving it but still needing more.

“Fuck me,” I say again, “fuck me now.”  Justin chuckles a little at my impatience and presses his finger firmly against my prostate in response., the sensation almost drowning me with fucking need.

Then two fingers, slowly fucking me. 

“Fuck me harder,” I groan, feeling myself sweating and trembling and just aching. I reach my hand to grab his.

-------------Justin’s Point of View----------

God -- to see him like this. Ass up and open, and pushing against me. His hand taking my wrist, pushing me in harshly, farther, deeper, rougher. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

God oh god, his face so tense and tight, mouth open, licking his lips, dry from panting. Fuck. Lips so red where he’d been biting them. 

I add a finger and fuck him hard with my fingers, his hand guiding mine, his eyes closed, seeking the end, but not finding it yet.

“Ahh, fuck, god Justin, fuck me,” he says, voice quavering with emotion. 

That’s when I know it’s time, I remove my fingers and put on a condom in record speed. I lube myself well but not too well; knowing he wants it hard and full and rough.

I push just the head inside, watching as he takes me, watching as his head arches back. Fuck…..

“Now,” he mutters breathily and I slide myself all the way in, pushing constantly, steadily, feeling him open for me, hear him let out a deep breath.

--------Brian’s Point of View-----------

This is it.  What I wanted. 

Justin’s filling me, brushing my prostate, pressing, filling, riding me. The sensations fall over me again and again and I feel them building. All I can do is feel it as it sweeps me away.

------Justin’s Point of View---------

Brian moans and whimpers while I fuck him, moving and writhing and pushing against me, his words between panted breaths. 

“Take me.” “I need this.” “More.” “Deeper.” “More.”

“Only you.” 

He exhales with a load grunt of my name, his body jolting and shaking under mine while he comes. 

I follow, feeling myself releasing into the depths of his ass, hearing my name on his lips.

He rolls over when I pull out. 

He looks into my eyes and smiles.

------------Later that Day---------

-----------Brian’s Point of View-----------

Something has been bothering me… something I just don’t understand. It was Dr. Stevenson who first thought of it, and ever since then I keep coming back to it. 

Why did Justin want a threesome in the first place? 

I mean… was it as simple as I thought? He felt a little kinky?  Or was there something more to it? 

He did want monogamy -- didn’t he? He does want it, right? And now he has it. We have it. We have each other now, totally. I don’t regret that at all. 

But for the life of me I just don’t get why Justin would ever have been the one to press those old rules of ours. Why he would be the one to make them break.

Figuring that there is only one way to know, I go and sit in the chair. 

----------Justin’s Point of View------

I settle mostly onto Brian’s lap, my knees hanging off the rounded edge of the chair.  I have no idea what this is about -- alcohol? Drugs? Monogamy? Did he have a nightmare? Is there a memory he wants to share?

“Justin,” he says my name softly, his hand settling onto my knee, “I wanna ask you something.” 

My heart constricts a little. Ask me something? For some reason I’m nervous now.  I nod slightly, not sure what to say. 

“Why…why did you want a threesome the other night?”

Huh? Why did I want a threesome?  Fuck…I…I don’t know. I try to think back to that night; I try to remember what I was thinking. 

But I can’t; all I remember is a feeling; a sort of dizzy, desperate, uncertain feeling. 

I clear my throat and try to answer him.

“I…I don’t know, really. I was…feeling sort of funny.” I feel Brian shift a little under me, turning so he can face me.

“Funny how? Like kinky? Or something else?” 

“I don’t know. No… not really. I just… It was just weird. Being at Babylon, sober, and I knew…”

------------Brian’s Point of View------------

His voice fades away, leaving me to guess at the end of his sentence:

I knew it would never be fun again? I knew it was the end of the good old days? I knew it was the only way we’d have fun out again? I knew it was  the only fun thing left for the night? I knew my youth was slipping away? I knew I’d have to be responsible because you have to quit drinking? 

Most of the options that came to my mind left me feeling a little queasy. 

“You knew what, Justin? You knew it would never be the same with me anymore? Were you thinking that you’d had to give up too much? Did you need something else for it to be 

exciting?” 

-------------Justin’s Point of View-----------

Brian’s voice is soft and quiet. His questions stun me. The vulnerability of them; the self-doubt that laced every single one. 

I want to assure him that he’s wrong. Totally wrong, that I just was high on the E and horny and that’s it. 

But that’s not it.

I know somehow that Brian’s a little bit right. I got a little scared; I wanted to do something -- familiar. I wanted things more…normal. More like the way things used to be, when everything was a little…simpler.

But I can’t say that; I can’t tell Brian that. I can’t have him thinking I don’t support him, that I don’t want him to be sober.

I swallow hard and turn away from him, not knowing what to say. 

“Tell me, Sunshine,” he says quietly, fingers brushing hair from my forehead.

Fuck. What am I supposed to say now? 

“It’s okay. Tell me the truth.” 

--------Brian’s Point of View---------

Part of me wants to pretend I never said anything. That I let it go. That I wrote it off to general, E-induced horniness and let it go at that. But I didn’t, and there’s no turning back now. Now Justin is here, nervous to answer me. Not wanting to tell me the truth.

I hate that…I hate when that distance is between us. 

“It’s okay. Tell me the truth,” I encourage him, wanting the closeness of honesty more than the comfort of whatever lies he could tell me. 

Justin sighs and bites the inside of his cheek. He won’t let himself rest his head against me.

“I knew things were changing,” he says suddenly. 

I feel my stomach clench at his words. He knew things were different. Different. Good different or bad different? A difference he could live with? Or one he is scared of? 

I force myself to be calm so he might tell me more. 

“Different how?” I ask, arms wrapped around him. 

“Different. I don’t know. Just different,” he hedges. 

----Justin’s Point of View--------

I can almost feel Brian frowning against my hair. He hates it when I hide things from him and he knows I’m lying. 

“Justin,” he says, voice with a hard edge. A warning tone letting me know he’s nearing the line that separates annoyance from anger.

I heave a big sigh and decide to just say it and be done. 

“Fine. I wanted -- I wanted things the way they were. I wanted…I wanted things to be to be normal. I knew things were changing and I got -- scared.”

Brian tightens his arms around me; he kisses my hair and holds me without talking for a moment. I can’t tell if he’s angry. I can’t tell if he’s scared. But I know he’s with me.

“Me too,” he murmurs, his lips brushing against my ear. 

I turn my head and look into his eyes. 

“Really?” 

He nods and smiles softly at me. 

“What were you scared of, Justin?” 

I smile back, then turn away. What was I scared of? Lots of things. 

“I was scared for you -- thought you would… panic that it was too much, that being sober was too much, and I wanted to make the night good without it. I wanted to make it…like it used to be.”

----------Brian’s Point of View-----------

Justin was worried about me, and wanted to make the night into something that would appeal to me, that would take my mind off of my soberness, something that would somehow prove to me that not drinking was no big deal. 

I guess I can understand that.  I nod and look at him, hoping he knows that I understand. 

“That’s all?” I ask softly. Immediately he turns away from me and I know that there’s more. He shakes his head slightly, confirming it for me.

“I was scared that…that too much was changing. Is changing.” He looks at me, anxious for my response. I have to look away for a moment. 

I need Justin to be with me, but I don’t want him to be somewhere he doesn’t want to be. If he doesn’t want -- doesn’t want me the way it will be…

 I swallow and look back at him. 

--------------Justin’s Point of View--------

“I’m scared too…It’s a lot, Sunshine…I know it is.”

His voice is gentle and he is gently squeezing my knee. I feel better; I feel a weight lifting from my shoulders. But with his next words I feel it fall again. 

“But Justin - it‘s going to be different…you say you wanted it normal…but normal is going to have to change. It’s not going to be easy… I might have to stop drugs, too.  Things won’t be just the way it used to be. Things are different, Sunshine. I’m different.”

My heart skips a beat and I feel my head throb. His voice is so serious, so confident  and calm. He’s been thinking about this; about the changes that he’s getting himself into. 

Different. It is different. Our life is different. He is different. My heart is racing at the realization.

I don’t say anything for a while. When I look back at him, he looks more nervous than I’ve seen him in a while. 

“I…I’m scared about it too…. But I think it’s best,” he says, his voice finally breaking the silence. 

I nod, looking at the earnestness in his eyes, coming through the anxiety.  I pull him closer against me. 

I’m quiet again and then Brian pulls back, looking into my eyes. His eyes are bright, laced with worry. My heart aches from his expression. 

“You’ll still --- be here, right?” he asks, forcing out the words. 

Oh god -- he’s been here, wanting to know if…if I was so scared that I would run. Or if things were so different that I didn’t want it anymore.

I was expressing some feelings, voicing some worries, feeling relieved, and he was wondering if I was -- if I was ending it. 

Oh fuck. 

Immediately I pull him over and kiss him, my mouth soft against his lips. He is soon kissing me back, mouth slow and soft.  I pull away after a minute. 

“Of course I’m still here. I’m always here… it’s different, but it’s -- it’s good. We’re not losing -- anything important. I know I’m not losing you…I’m gaining you. More of you. The best of you. And you’re not losing me. You never will. I’m going to be here with you, though all of it. I love you, Beautiful.” 

He smiles, one tear escaping down his cheek, and lets himself finally relax into my arms.