Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Brian goes home to Justin after Babylon... what will Justin do?  NC-18

 

Why Not With Me?

Chapter Thirty-One: Clear Lines

--------------------------------------------------

There’s a light, a certain kind of light, 

Never, ever shone on me, n, no.

Honey I want…my whole life

To be lived with you…


I wanna talk about love

And trying to hold somebody

The way I love you babe, 

And I’ve been loving you…


- from To Love Somebody, by Janis Joplin 

 

---------------Justin’s Point of View -------------------

 

Brian’s a little late coming home, and when I kiss him he smells of Scotch. 

 

For some reason, I’m surprised. 

 

And…a little confused.

 

“Are you alright?” I ask him, searching his eyes for an explanation. 

 

I don’t see any answers, but I do feel the stress in his body. In his muscles, in his face. 

 

In his eyes there is exhaustion and panic.

 

“I’m…okay,” he answers uncertainly. 

 

“I don’t think you are,” I counter quietly, holding his hands in mine. 

 

“I am,” he insists, seeming annoyed. 

 

I sigh.

 

I wish I knew what was going on. 

 

Taking his hand, I lead him toward the shower. 

 

He follows somewhat reluctantly but soon the hot, steamy room has him looking more relaxed. 

 

 I strip off his clothes and bring my mouth to kiss down his chest. 

 

That’s when I smell something. Or, rather, someone. 

 

I pause for just a moment, but Brian notices. 

 

For some reason -- my heart sort of stings. 

 

It’s been a long time since I’ve been surprised by his tricking and I don’t really know why I am now. 

 

After all… we never did get married. So…

 

But I guess I just thought… assumed. That because of… how we’ve been lately… things would be different. 

 

“You…tricked today?” I ask, unable to totally hide my disappointment. 

 

He looks down at me, his eyes anxious.  He nods. 

 

For some reason it just… angers me. That he did this, knowing I was here…. Ready for his hour. 

 

“But… I was waiting for you,” I hear my voice at the edge of accusation. 

 

He looks at me very carefully, cups my face with his palms .

 

----------------Brian’s Point of View ----------------------------

 

Justin’s hurt…. 

 

Fuck. 

 

I swear I never meant to… hurt him. 

 

I just…did what I do. And… that’s where I hurt him.

 

Fuck, how do I do this so easily? 

 

How is it that I can’t even seem to help myself? 

 

And didn’t Dr. Stevenson JUST tell me that I was capable of… well, more? 

 

But clearly he must have been wrong. 

 

I did that, and Justin was here, waiting for me… waiting to lavish attention on me for an hour. 

I pull a robe on myself and stalk out of the bathroom. 

 

Justin is hot on my heels. 

 

“Brian, come back here,” he says, catching me by the arm when we get to the living room. 

 

“Look…….I never should have taken you to dinner. I never should have made you think that… Fuck it.” 

 

I walk over to the window and look down at the street below. 

 

------------Justin’s Point of View ----------

 

He really looks miserable. 

 

He looks…. Like a child who just learned that there is no Santa Claus.

 

But… I was here waiting for him. 

 

“Listen -- I just don’t understand what happened. Didn’t you know I was here? That I would do what you wanted? Why the fuck would you need anything else right THEN?” 

 

My voice is a little harsher than I meant but god….right after work? He had to do this right after work? 

 

----------Brian’s Point of View ----------------

 

I have a huge knot in my stomach. 

 

Why did I have to do this. Why… do I have to hurt him? 

 

How could I have let myself… make that choice to hurt him? 

 

“I… I don’t know…I don’t know,” I say, my words fumbling out. 

 

“I mean -- is that just not enough, Brian?” His voice sounds plaintive now. “What do I need to do?” 

 

I set my jaw and bite my tongue to keep from crying. 

 

“I didn’t…wasn’t sure…I don’t know,” I try again.

 

It so is not him. It -- it’s me. 

 

I turn away from him and a couple tears escape down my face. 

 

-----------Justin’s Point of View -----------------

 

I just have to think. That’s all. 

 

Just… be alone a minute and think. And calm down.

 

I go into the bedroom and sit on the bed. 

 

For a while all I can think about is….why I wasn’t enough. 

 

Why this is happening. 

 

After a few minutes I do feel calmer. A little…more rational. 

 

That’s when I hear Brian’s voice.

 

“I didn’t… wasn’t sure.” 

 

Then it clicks. 

 

And I understand. 

 

When he said he wasn’t sure. That’s where I needed to listen.

 

What doesn’t he understand? 

 

I know. 

 

I stand up and back into the living room, where he is still standing with a blank look. 

 

--------------Brian’s Point of View --------------

 

He takes my hand and guides me over to The Chair. 

 

I can’t even believe he wants to look at me right now. 

 

“Justin, you don’t have to -- “ 

 

He turns and puts his finger on my lips. 

 

 

------------Brian’s Point of View ---------

 

How could I have almost ruined this…this wonderful thing I have with Justin? 

 

How would I ever have felt like I wanted a trick, knowing that this was at home? 

 

God, I’m so fucking stupid.  

 

I fucked this up. I’m sure I did.

 

I don’t even really know why. 

 

 

A tiny part of me thought -- no! I don’t want to tell you how stupid I’ve been! 

 

But then, the Chair isn’t something either one of us can refuse. 

 

So that’s that.

 

----------Justin’s Point of View --------------

 

I can tell he’s uncertain about coming over here with me now.

 

I can feel a lot of… something. Tension and worry.

 

He does come over though and has to end up in my arms. 

 

“What happened at work today?” I ask once I’m settled against his chest.

 

He shifts a little and lets out a slow breath.

 

“Everything…lost an account. Found out that a new intern lost some new commercial work for the dry cleaning account. Then Ted called and we need a new liquor license for Babylon, right away.” 

 

Okay. That sounds pretty stressful. I kiss his cheeks and look into his eyes again.

 

“What else?” I ask quietly. He’d be far more relaxed if that was all he wanted to say. 

 

“My sister called needing money for some type of private school for one of the brats and I said I’d think it over,” he says. 

 

 

I run my hand through his hair and murmur, “Then what happened?” 

 

--------Brian’s Point of View ------------

 

“I was driving home, and then I was just… not thinking I guess. You know how sometimes you’re driving and you don’t remember getting home?” 

 

He nods and says, “Sure, I’ve had that happen. It’s like you’re just on automatic.” 

 

I take a deep breath, nervous as to what he will say next. 

 

“Only… when I parked the car and looked up, I was at Babylon.” 

 

I look up at him anxiously, expecting him to be angry. 

 

 

---------------Justin’s Point of View ---------

 

I look at him and he looks very nervous. 

 

I have to admit that I’m  still a little hurt, even though I don’t really have a reason to be.

 

I take a moment before I say anything, trying to remember not to overreact…. To listen, to really listen. That’s what we learned -- what I learned -- from yesterday. 

 

When I look back at his eyes, I swear I feel his anxiety. 

 

I kiss his forehead and tighten my grip on his hands as they’re wrapped around me. 

 

“Calm down, Beautiful. Just tell me what happened,” I say softly. 

 

 

------------Brian’s Point of View --------------

 

I take a deep breath and try to just talk. 

 

“I panicked for a minute, when I saw where I was. But it seemed natural. But then -- you’re here now. And I haven’t been there without you since you got here. And I didn’t know if what I was doing was wrong…. I got in…”

 

I trail off watching his face to see what his reaction to that would be.

 

His eyes widened a little, and I saw him set his jaw. 

 

I willed myself forward. 

 

“I got a drink and then took a guy to the backroom,” I admit. 

 

------------Justin’s Point of View -----------

 

“And you --- fucked him,” I finish for him. 

 

Brian nodded, confirming again what I’d smelled on his body. 

 

I felt a fresh wave of --- anger, I guess -- through my body.

 

I take a deep breath count to ten. 

 

Brian is here, sounding absolutely… scared. 

 

I move a little and hold him in my arms, my arms pressing him tight against my body. 

 

He’s terrified that he was going to ruin us. Over something like that. 

 

“Brian, it’s going to be alright,” I murmur to him, and after a minute he’s calmer. 

 

“But -- I… aren‘t you upset? I mean -- I…tricked. While you were here waiting for me. I don’t even -- can‘t even -- know why.” .

 

“I am a little bit hurt and angry, but I don’t really have any reason to be. I wish you would have come home to me… that I could have been enough --” 

 

“You are, Sunshine. I swear. I wasn’t thinking, I don’t know why I went there.”

 

I could tell he means it. He wasn’t thinking. 

 

“Listen to me, Brian. First of all, let me see if I understand. You had an awful day. You weren’t really thinking about it, but you drove to Babylon to drink and fuck.”

 

He nods, looking at me with wide eyes. 

 

“Okay… listen. It’s true, I am  maybe angry… a little disappointed... But I understand. You were stressed out, and you just did what you would have done, most any day out of your life. And I understand that if you tricked, it doesn’t take away from what we have. I know that. What we have is a lot more to me,” I say. 

 

He smiles at me softly and I kiss him, my lips gently parting his for a tender kiss. 

 

“I wish you could have come home and let me take care of you, Beautiful,” I say, pulling away. 

 

He looks down for a moment, and when he raises his head, his eyes meet mine. 

 

“I… should have done that,” he says. 

 

“How did you feel after work? In the car?” 

 

He thinks for a long moment and shrugs his shoulders. 

 

“Just…I don’t know. Frustrated. Annoyed….just wanted to escape.” 

 

I nod; I do understand that feeling. 

 

“Is that something you don’t get from your hours?” 

 

He looks at me blankly and I can see he’s not… sure what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know.

 

“I…I guess…I don’t know, Justin. It’s hard to say,” he confirms my hunch. 

 

He sighs, looking sad. 

 

“Are we okay?” he asks, voice soft and distant. 

 

 

Looking at the fear in his eyes… the uncertainty is too much. He just wants to know what he needs to do. He just needs to know the limits, what he can do without hurting me or risking us. 

 

Now more than ever, I know I am right. Right about what he wants. What he needs.

 

-------------Brian’s Point of View------------------

 

Oh thank god. Thank god… he is okay. He was a little hurt, but he’s okay. 

 

What we have is more, means more to him. Just like it does to me.

 

I feel so much better. 

 

He’s kissing me and I feel like we are okay. 

 

“I was just so scared at how……how easily I could make a mistake like this. A mistake I don’t even really want to make, because I’m not really thinking. I almost ruined it,” I admitted quietly.

 

He just holds me and kisses my hair and his hand strokes my back.

 

“Listen, Beautiful. We need to talk about this. I think we can fix this,” I hear him say. 

 

I look over, unsure what he means.  

 

“Did you feel nervous and worried because you just didn’t know if… if you’d done something to ruin us? You seemed anxious when you got home. Is that why? Because you didn’t have any idea what would happen when I found out?” 

 

I look at him, amazed. How did he know? 

 

“Okay, well we can fix this just by having some clear lines that we know not to cross. Both of us… Because heaven knows I need a lot of help with that sometimes too. So let’stalk about some new rules. Let’s make this more clear, so we both know what we need to do, at this point. Not how it used to be, not how it might be someday. Just what we need for now.” 

 

I feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I feel like I’ve been…pulled from crashing waves. 

 

I nod and murmur my agreement. Oh my god, he is amazing. 

 

“Okay. Here’s what I’m thinking. The same rules we used to have. Plus, how about this? No drugs when another person isn’t there.” 

 

I like that one. I like it because…of how that turned out once.  On my birthday.  I nod my agreement. 

 

“And let’s say, if you want to trick, you let me know about it before hand and I’ll do the same thing.” 

 

I swallow hard. 

 

“I…I’m not sure I’ll want to know,” I admit softly. 

 

He smiles at me gently. 

 

“Okay. So let’s say… tricks are still okay.”

 

I can hear the hesitation in his voice. He really wishes I wouldn’t do this. 

 

But I can’t go that far. I can’t promise too much.

 

I think about it, twirling his hair in my fingers. 

 

“Okay… I don’t know that I can promise no tricking. But… now that you’re in Pittsburgh. If I call, or if you called, and said you wanted to trick, the other person has to come along, for a threesome or just to watch.” 

 

I look up at him and Justin’s grinning. He seems so happy just over that. 

 

“You’d do that?” he asks, his voice excited. 

 

I nod. 

 

“Sure. If you don’t mind booty calls,” I reply, smiling back at him. 

 

He kisses me soundly on the lips. 

 

“Okay. So. The old rules. Plus, the booty call rule.  And no drugs alone,” he summarizes. 

 

“Or alcohol,” I find myself blurting out without even thinking first.

 

------------Justin’s Point of View -------------

 

I cannot believe him. 

 

He just added “no drinking alone” to our rules, and said he would rather not know about my tricking. 

 

That’s… that’s… so sweet. That is just so….wonderful. I can’t stop grinning.

 

“Anything else?” I ask him. 

 

“Wait. Not really. But when we say no drugs or drinking alone, does that mean alone like not with the other person, or like totally alone?” he asks. 

 

I grin even harder. He is so into this. 

 

“I don’t have to be there, Brian. You can drink, I can drink. But someone -- a friend -- someone who gives a shit -- has to be there.” 

 

He sighs and smiles at me, pulls me in and kisses me very tenderly. 

 

He snuggles against me for a moment, looking like the perfect picture of contentment.

 

I was right.

 

-------------Brian’s Point of View ------------------

 

I feel so much better now. I didn’t…. ruin this. 

 

Justin… understood what happened. 

 

I feel so much… freer. I never even realized how much I’d been worried about this. Then today it was just too much.

 

I was so…anxious. It wasn‘t the trick… it was the waiting. For Justin‘s…response. When I didn‘t know what I‘d done. Whether I did something…without meaning to. To ruin everything I have. That we have. 

 

And then… Justin knew. He knew what would help; knew how to… fix it.

 

Now…things are different. I can just know what I’m doing. If I’m hurting him with  -- with me -- or if I’m not.  That way, I won’t. 

 

I won’t hurt him, or me, or us.

 

-----------Justin’s Point of View ----------------------

 

That night when I walked into the bathroom from flossing my teeth, Brian had all the lights off and like five candles lit in the bedroom when I came back in. 

 

“Are you going to need the handcuffs, or can you keep yourself still enough?” he asked quietly, pulling me toward the bed. 

 

“I… can keep myself still enough,” I said against his mouth right before he kissed me.

 

“Good…Tonight is something new for you,” he says and instantly a shiver goes down my spine. It’s been a while since he’s tried out something new on me. And I never let anyone else do anything new with me. 

 

He kisses me first, makes out with me on the bed, our bodies sliding together, our mouths open wide and searching and plunging each other. 

 

God it feels so good, just the way he kisses -- he completely lets himself go. His desire -- his appetite -- starts right there. Even in the smallest kisses, it’s that need that is drenched in tenderness. 

 

 

And it’s always like he’s talking directly to me; like he’s pulling that same needy part of me right into his body, to meet up with his. To mingle and mix and combine. 

 

He covers me with his body, pins my hands flat against the bed with his hands, and lets his tongue follow its own will, across my neck, licking so wet. So wiggly and soft and hot.

 

When he has me panting he whispers in my ear - -

 

“Stay just like this, Sunshine,” and I feel him climb off of my body.

 

The next thing I feel are his hands, gently slipping the blindfold over my eyes after he kisses my eyelids.

 

I don’t feel anything for a little while, and it makes me just a little worried. A cool breeze comes through an open window and I shiver a little. 

 

“Need something to warm you up?” he drawls, his voice unexpectedly close. 

 

“Mmmhmm,” I murmur, feeling relaxed. 

 

He sits on the bed and then I feel it. 

 

A hot zap on my shoulder -- enough to make me intake my breath sharply. 

 

Hot wax.

 

“Oh god,” I moan as Brian kisses right next to that spot when the burn has faded. 

 

He kisses and licks for a moment, the wet slipperiness of his mouth in stark contrast to the burning. 

 

“Oh fuck --” I groan when he lets three drops go -- at the base of my neck, then the middle of my back, then the base of my spine in quick succession. 

 

He then slides his tongue up in reverse, from the crack of my ass back up. 

 

Oh fucking god. Fucking god. That hurts but -- that…oh fucking hell… it’s like.. Being set on fire for half a second. Coming alive -- with pain -- and then with the wetness of his spit.

 

“More -- I want more --” I manage to say while his mouth is spending a little extra time circling around the top of my crack. 

 

I hear him chuckle, his breath against my body. 

 

Then four drops -- scalding right where his mouth was --

 

---------Brian’s Point of View -----------

 

His hips thrust up instinctively, but it puts him closer to me and the hot wax, dripping onto him. 

 

He squirms deeper at the third drip and cringes at the fourth. 

 

“I’m -- I’m on fire,” he whimpers a little, his cheeks flushed.

 

-----------Justin’s Point of View ---------

 

After that I start to lose…myself. He’s going everywhere. A drop on my shoulder.

 

Then my thigh. Then his mouth on my neck. A drop on my calf. I can hardly react, he’s going so quickly -- my body stings with the pain but it all starts to slide together, mixed up the goodness of his mouth as he covers the little red marks on my body. 

 

------------Brian’s Point of View-------

 

He sighs and moans against his pillow, holding onto it. His fingers clench it when he feels the burn, and relax as it turns to pleasure.

 

I’m mesmerized by it. By that reaction and the way he’s starting to whimper and sweat under me. 

 

I let a few more drops fall on the tender spot between his shoulder blades, making him arch his body up against me. 

 

Then I lick around the little spots of drying wax, easing the red skin there. 

 

“Fuck me,” I hear him murmur. 

 

I turn him over and grin seeing the blindfold. I lean into him, leaning over his body, his chest to mine.

 

“Do you -- do you want to watch me eat you? Or do you want this on?” I ask, softly touching the blindfold.

 

---------Justin’s Point of View ----------

 

What kind of question is that? 

 

My whole body is -- god, the sensations -- I feel everything so intensely, I do’t know if it’s the hot wax, or the blindfold, or what. 

 

And now what is this -- he knows how I love to watch him. To see his mouth on me, his full, red lips plump around me. 

 

“Watch you,” I decide.

 

Immediately he unties the blindfold and kisses me, mouth claiming mine. 

 

“You’re alright?” he asks gently, making sure he hasn’t hurt me. 

 

“Uhhh, yeah,” I murmur. 

 

He kisses me again and pulls me forward. He stacks pillows behind me, so I’m sitting up as he eases me against them. 

 

Now I can see him so well. 

 

I see as he trails his mouth down my chest; stopping to lavish attention on my nipples, licking and sucking and nipping til I moan. He looks up at me, his mouth open, searching my eyes. 

 

Soon he’s going down again and I watch as he licks me, up and down in slow motion, one hand tweaking my left nipple, the other softly holding my hip. 

 

God -- his mouth on me -- it’s amazing what he can do -- with the wetness. The sound of his mouth suctioning around me -- like.. Like when he slurped the ice cream -- god fuck me. Fuck me… 

 

He’s taking too long -- he’s going too  slow. He’s licking and letting his bottom teeth drag along my underside, just barely touching. 

 

I look at his face -- his mouth round and lips so fucking wet and dark around my dick. His eyes half-closed in arousal. His face etched with desire. 

 

That’s when he uses his hand to push up my hip and worm his hand under me. 

-----------Brian’s Point of View -----------

 

He throws his head back when my finger gets to his hole and he thrusts up so fucking hard I almost -- almost -- could’ve choked.

 

But fortunately I was pretty much ready for it and let him fuck my mouth for a few long minutes, loving his dilemma -- up into my mouth, or back against my finger? 

 

He can’t decide, and it’s making him crazy. He’s writhing against the pillows, looking up at the ceiling, fingers tangled in my hair, pushing me up and back subconsciously. 

 

Just as he’s beginning to lose himself, I pull my mouth away from him, leaving my finger poised just next to his prostate. 

 

----------Justin’s Point of View -----------

 

Fuck! Why did he stop! Why…did. He. Stop. 

 

I’m panting -- I can’t seem to catch my breath and I don’t understand -- why is he stopping?

 

Then a sensation -- a cold feeling on my cock.  Then my nipples.

 

I look down. 

 

Whipped cream. 

 

He’s licking it away, passionately -- his mouth hot and demanding against mine. Moaning into my sweaty skin, his pleasure in pleasuring me vibrating against my chest. 

 

I have my hands against the headboard, bracing myself for the end -- it’s rushing toward me like a train. 

 

That’s when he does it -- presses his finger firmly against my prostate. 

 

-------------Brian’s Point of View -------------

 

He arches off the bed and shoots down my throat instantly. It’s like an orgasm button for him when I’m sucking him off. I can never get enough of that control I have -- that ability to make him give into the pleasure whenever I want him to.

 

I swallow him; licking away all the whipped cream and the come that’s mixed in.

 

I wish I never had to eat anything else. Tasting him, seeing him watching me as I eat him -- it’s so amazing. How much I want him -- how much I want to feel him with my whole body the next time.

 

 

 

----------Justin’s Point of View ---------------

 

I’m hardly recovered from the first one before he’s turning me around. My head is still up, my ass closer to the bed. He crawls over me, draping his naked body over me. I’m almost kneeling and he pushes his knee between my legs. 

 

I feel his mouth on my neck, mouth open and tongue so goddamned wet. His erection at my hole. 

 

“You’re so fucking wonderful, Justin -- don’t know how I ever got by without you --” he says and pushes into me, lubed and with a condom he must have put on sometime while I was only semiconscious. 

 

He’s so deep against me, using his weight to push me down, holding himself up by the bed frame. 

 

He fucks me slowly, his mouth never leaving my ear. Whispering little things -- how wet I am. How deep he is. 

 

Telling me when I clench against him, how he can feel me pulling him deeper. How he can feel my skin sweating against his hip. 

 

--------Brian’s Point of View ---------

 

I can never get enough of this -- the way he’s so hot under me. 

 

The way his body matches mine move for move. 

 

The way he’s panting, and his mouth is open and when I slip a finger in, he sucks on it. 

 

The way he’s trying to push himself against the bed, until I relent and bring my hand to him, sliding and twisting, feeling him shudder around me. 

 

Then the pleading starts, the sort of low-throated quiver that means he’s really close. 

 

“Brian -- just -- harder,” he manages to pant. 

 

I do, letting myself go -- letting all of it pour through my body and into him. 

 

He comes hard and turns his head so I can push my tongue into his mouth while I follow him. 

 

--------------Justin’s Point of View ----------------

We’re laying there, sprawled out on top of the duvet, panting and sweaty and falling asleep. He looks over at me and reaches his hand out to cup my chin and turn me towards him.

 

 “Thanks, Sunshine,” he says softly. I smile at him and he slides his hand through my hair before we both fall asleep. 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Well, there it is..... I'm curious to see what everyone will think of Justin's reaction and his solution. He's trying hard to learn from his mistakes, I think. 

And who knew that Brian psychically picked up on Dr. Stevenson's thought about the whipped cream and wax? ;)

*Small warning: I have family coming to town staying a whole month. For the first couple weeks, my mom and I will both be at my studio apartment. There won't be a lot of writing time, as there will be no privacy basically. I hate to say that this means updates will be infrequent, relatively, after tomorrow, until around the 15th. I'm very sorry about that and believe me, I wish I could do something about it! :) I hope you will all find the story worth waiting a little while for. :)

Thanks for all of your help, support, and enthusiasm! :)

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