Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction
Author's Chapter Notes:

Brian talks with Michael and Justin; things about the past are better understood. Then Brian has a surprise for Justin. 

Added early to make up for yesterday! ;)

 

Why Not With Me?

Chapter Twenty-Eight: With  Distance

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I need an easy friend

I’d do with an ear to lend

I do 

Think you’d fit this shoe…


I do keep a date with you. 


- from About a Girl, by Nirvana

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I love you

‘Cuz you tell me things I want to know,

And  it’s true that it really only goes to show 

That I should never, never, never be blue. 


Now you’re mine

My happiness still makes me cry

And in time you’ll understand the reasons why.

If I cry it’s not because I’m sad

But you’re the only love that I’ve ever had. 


- from Ask Me Why, by the Beatles

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-------------Brian’s Point of View ------------------

 

I’m trying to do what Dr. Stevenson said.  Trying just to understand what happened, learn from it and put it behind me.  Be sort of… detached from it.

 

This morning I’m going to try again… Breakfast is just finished; I’d spend Justin’s hour with him at his new studio space, insisting that he show me his latest pieces. They had been wonderful; a few quite breathtaking. Once he got started, we ended up there for an hour and a half.  We barely made it on time to Mel and Lindsey’s to pick up Gus. 

 

Of course, breakfast with Gus was wonderful; he informed us that he and his girlfriend hadn’t been able to decide whether to be dating or not. So they went on the swings together, only Mondays and Fridays. 

 

He really is too much like me sometimes, and too much like Justin at the same time.

 

Now breakfast is done;  we’re back home at the loft, which is bright with the autumn sun.

 

Justin is reading the newspaper and I’m trying to force myself to do what I know I need to do to put… the last one behind me.

 

I need to talk to Mikey and Justin. 

 

Of the two, Mikey will be easier; we’ve already made up and, relatively speaking, that issue is far less complicated, as I see it. 

 

Maybe I’ll talk to Michael first. Warm up. Practice this. Then I’ll talk to Justin. 

 

I’d made up with Michael for everything; that was always pretty easy. But I don’t know that I really knew why he had said what he said. 

 

Taking a deep breath, I dialed his number and arranged to go over to the house for about half an hour. Michael sounded deeply concerned; I’m not totally sure why. 

 

-----------Michael’s Point of View -------------------

 

I don’t know why in the world Brian is coming over here… and after what Justin said, my mind is just… fucked up with possibilities. 

 

Ben tells me just to relax, that it’s Brian, my friend, ad not someone I didn’t know or needed to fear. 

 

I guess that’s right, but the thought of Brian dealing with so much -- I wonder if he’ll be upset when he gets here.  In only a few minutes I find out. 

 

He looks calm when he comes in. Very calm, in fact. He takes me by the hand and walks me into the living room, sitting us close together on the couch. 

 

“Is everything alright Brian? You never ask to come over like this,” I say flat out. He nods a little. 

 

“I just wanted to talk to you about something… and I know we’ve already made up over this -- a long time ago. And I’m not trying to bring up old memories or --” 

What the hell?

 

Brian coming over here to hash out… what?

 

I rub my eyes but it isn’t a dream. Brian’s still talking. 

 

“ -- anything. I honestly just want to understand where you were coming from. I’m not angry or upset or anything.” 

 

He takes a deep breath and I nod. 

 

“That night that… I came over here. Justin was here after he l - left me. When we got into that argument, what sorts of things were you thinking about?” 

 

Who the fuck is this? And what did they do with Brian? 

 

-------Brian’s Point of View -----------

 

Michael is looking at me as if I had just landed from Mars or something. Granted, I’m not usually like this. But I just hope he doesn’t make a big deal out of me trying to be mature. 

 

I misjudged him. He doesn’t. He just regroups and answers me. Rather thoughtfully. 

 

“Well…I was scared. I never saw you so mad. And… Ben and I had just spend time with Justin and… I guess… he seemed hurt, in a way. And scared. He’d told us a little bit of what happened, but it was nothing that we didn’t know… it was that fundamental difference between you two. 

 

Or… between you and…everyone. Commitment vs. No Commitment. 

 

So when you came over to blame it on me, when I’ve known you so well for so long, and known how adamant you are -- were -- about that subject, it pissed me off.”

 

I nod. That makes sense. 

 

“Then I remember, you said that Justin left because of me. I understand that, why you would say that, why it makes sense to think it. But…but…then you said, “Who wouldn’t?” Did you really mean that you think no one would ever stay with me?”

 

------------Michael’s Point of View -----------

 

Fuck -- he…remembers that? He… sounds actually hurt by that. 

 

It sounds almost like -- but that couldn’t be. 

 

Then I look into his eyes, waiting for my response and I know it is true. 

 

Brian’s been insecure about this. 

 

I feel my heart pound in my chest and my throat gets a little tight.  I put my hand on his shoulder. 

 

“Brian, no. For one thing, I’m still here so I couldn’t have meant it. I should never, ever have said it… It was cruel of me. Somehow I never… really thought it would hurt you. That anything would…

 

But that isn’t really fair and I see I was wrong. It did hurt you. I’m sorry, Brian,” I say softly.

 

 

He looks at me close while I’m talking.

 

“I was just upset because…I sort of wanted to give Justin those things and then you were,” he says so quietly I have to lean in to hear him. 

 

“It’s okay. I understand that,” I assure him. He smiles and squeezes my hand.

 

After a moment he talks again.

 

“You think…I could do it. That I’m capable of it? If I wanted -- if  I wanted to choose commitment?” he asks me earnestly. 

 

I answer without hesitation. 

 

“Absolutely. You can, Brian. You’ve made a lot of changes -- for the better -- and you could do that if you wanted to. No doubt.”

 

He smiles and kisses my forehead.

 

“Thanks,” he murmurs, then leaves. 

 

I’m left sitting on the couch, checking out the window to see if any pigs are flying by. 

 

-----------Brian’s Point of View ------------------

 

Well, that wasn’t as hard as I thought. And I actually do understand better now.

 

I’d come in angry, upset, and blaming him. He deflected, blaming me and going a step to far in the heat of the moment. I do understand that. 

 

And the truth is, he does think I’m capable. That I can choose to do that if I want to.

 

I’m glad, because I do want to. Someday. 

 

------------Justin’s Point of View -------------------

 

Brian came back home only about a half an hour after he’d left. Whatever he and Michael did, it must have gone fast. 

 

I inquire about Michael and Ben, and then go back to the paper, where there’s a review of an artist I know from New York. 

 

When I look up, Brian is sitting in the Chair.

 

My heart drops for a second. There is something about seeing Brian….out like that. Out with what he wants. Even if it is just sitting in a chair, it’s just such a clear signal of… wanting me to be there with him.

 

It chokes me up, actually.

 

I set the paper down and go over to him, settling into the round, dish-like chair in our usual way. 

 

He takes a deep breath and hooks his right arm across my lap.

 

“I want to talk about….that day.” 

 

Oh. 

 

“I just want to understand. It’s like… we promised yesterday. Just understand to learn, and that’s it. Nothing else,” he murmurs, almost trying to promise me that there wouldn’t be tears this time. 

 

I find that hard to believe, but I don’t mind the tears as much as he does. For me, they’re more natural, they are not a shake up of my entire self image like they are for him.

 

“Okay,” I say, “do you want me to just talk, or do you want to ask me something specific?” 

 

He thinks about this for a few moments. 

 

“I’ll try to ask.” 

 

I settle myself deeper into his arms, as if for a ride.

 

“Justin…when you said… When you said that the competition would be good for me. What did --” 

 

He can’t finish. But it’s okay because I hear the quesiton loud and clear. 

I don’t know if I have a very good answer though.  I take a minute to think back, forcing out the regret that I now have, and look at it as it had happened. Then. 

 

“Well…I was mad because while I was in California… I guess I built up an idea of how it would be when I got back here. I took the idea of “moving in” and let it build up in my mind…. I was disappointed when I got back. And then… the competition came and I guess I thought maybe it would be something to finally make you see…. Some kind of… downside to the club life. That it wasn’t always going to be endless good times.” 

 

---------Brian’s Point of View -----------------

 

That wasn’t easy to hear. But I heard it. 

 

Justin was in California; I’d asked him to move in. He let himself get carried away and imagined what all I might have meant by “moving in.” 

 

Maybe I should have been more specific… 

 

“Maybe we should have just revised the rules,” I say, half to myself. 

 

Justin looks over at me questioningly.

 

“I mean… when I asked you to move in. Maybe that should have been clarified.” 

 

He nods and smiles slightly. 

 

Okay. So he built it up, and therefore was let down when moving in meant just having his stuff here, basically. He wanted… maybe he wanted me dissatisfied as he was. 

 

“You weren’t satisfied with things as they were, and you were mad that I was?”

 

Justin grins at me and kisses my cheek,  squirming with happiness. 

 

“Yeah, that’s basically it. I… guess I wanted us to be together; not only like a couple. But… emotionally together.”

 

Okay. Makes even more sense now.

 

“I mean,” he says thoughtfully, “I guess that’s what I really wanted. I wanted you to see Ben and Michael’s life the way I did. To feel like I did about it.” 

 

I pull him close and love the way he never resists me moving his body around. 

 

--------------- Justin’s Point of View ----------

 

“I understand, Sunshine,” he murmurs in my ear, and I totally believe him.

This whole conversation has been… sort of amazing so far.

 

-----------Brian’s Point of View -----------

 

I wish I could stop here; leave it here. But I can’t, not really. Because I still don’t get everything. 

 

I don’t get the thing that hurt me the most. 

 

“Sunshine…when I said I didn’t think you understood --  understood why I was upset. Why… why didn’t you see what I meant?”

 

Even as I said it I knew it was a ridiculous question. How can someone explain why they didn’t know something? How can you explain the absence of something? I should ask Justin if he could tell me why he doesn’t know about astrophysics or something. 

 

I hear his breathing change a little and he turns to look over at me.

 

“I guess I just… didn’t want to have patience with it anymore. Seemed like…the sort of issues at clubs and with tricks that we’d talked  about forever and I just didn’t want to hear it…  Maybe I let my frustration with everything just make me not sympathetic. I don’t know. I don’t know, Brian. I don’t know. But I wish I knew. I wish I could tell you why.” 

 

He brings his lips to kiss my jaw gently and I pull him to me. I know he does wish it. He wants this better.

 

And I can understand where he was coming from. 

 

I kiss him. 

 

“I think I understand,” I whisper against his hair. 

 

-------------Justin’s Point of View --------------------

 

Okay. This has been going so much better than I ever thought it would. 

 

Neither of us have cried, and Brian is talking about this more easily; a lot more like he talks about ideas and objects, instead of how he talks about feelings. 

 

I think now is the time for me to try to understand better, too. Understand things I should have understood a long time ago. 

 

“Brian,” I say quietly, “when you would come home to me from Babylon. And I was at home doing art… When I kept trying just to talk to you about it. Why didn’t… why didn’t you just ever tell me -- why you hated the marriage idea so much?”

 

He takes in a very long breath and lets it out slowly. I feel his grip around my waist tighten. 

 

“I… you know…I couldn’t. I don’t even know if I really knew why, consciously. I mean… it makes sense now. It makes a lot of sense now but… all I could think about was how I’d end up disappointing you. How I’d be making promises I couldn’t keep. Or wouldn’t keep. And between that and -- the memories of…everything -- I guess… I didn’t know what to say.” 

 

 

 

My throat goes a little dry. 

 

“You… thought you’d be disappointing me?”

 

He nods and I can see pain in his eyes. 

 

Thinking he’d  end up breaking promises to me like Ethan had.

 

I pull him against me…. 

 

“I never meant for you to feel trapped like that, Brian… Between taking us into a terrible marriage, and then the possibility of -- of…breaking promises. I swear, I never thought of it that way. I understand now how you felt, and I can see it would be impossible to say,” I whisper quietly to him.

 

-------------Brian’s Point of View ------------

 

We’re wrapped up in each other; curled up together… 

 

Neither of us is crying. 

 

We’re just listening and sometimes kissing. 

 

And I think things are getting better.

 

Now is the time for me to say the last thing I need to say about it. 

 

“Sunshine… when I tried to kill myself, I was in a very… low place. There were reasons for it, but I let myself get there, and I never let anyone know that I needed to get out. That was my mistake -- only mine. I see how much that mistake has hurt you…I couldn’t say anything… didn’t want to be weak. I saw it that way but now… that I’ve gone through this, I realize that asking for help would have been stronger.”

 

He looks into my eyes as I say it, his eyes soft and compassionate.

 

“I understand that, Brian. I really do.”

 

 

-----------Justin’s Point of View--------------------

 

That night, Brian took me to a really nice restaurant for dinner.  We had such a wonderful time; it was honestly like something I used to dream that we’d do. 

 

We got a little dressed up -- nice, not slutty -- and had reservations and everything. 

 

Brian surprised me with it, and it was truly something I’ll never forget. It was the small things he did. Holding the car door for me. Pulling my seat out for me at the restaurant. 

 

I tried hard not to show my -- well, my shock. After all, he was acting like this was how we were every day. I couldn’t very well queen out and start a blathering, jumping-up-and-down scene. 

 

But nothing escaped my notice -- not the way he ordered me not just iced tea, but raspberry iced tea. The questions he asked me about my art pieces -- that he’d seen that morning. 

 

The fact that there were actual lit candles at our table.

 

All of this was strange. 

 

But the strangest thing was… it seemed sort of… natural.

 

 

When we got home, he took me to bed and said I’d been the only one who had fun with honey. 

 

He spent a the better part of an hour writing words on my torso with honey, making me guess what they were, tracing the letters with his tongue every time I missed. 

 

Then, he pulled me up onto his lap, and when we were ready, he asked me to fuck myself on his cock. 

 

A true romantic.

 

--------------------Brian’s Point of View -----------------

 

I’m watching Justin sleep, his hair in the moonlight. Looking very happy, and not just from the intense fucking he gave himself on my cock, either. 

 

I think my surprise worked.

 

He seemed so….magical. All night. 

 

He looked good by candlelight, dressed up snazzier than he usually does. 

 

So good that a strip show upon our arrival home was not optional.

And his whole face just seemed to glow -- when he answered my questions about his art. When we went for a little moonlight stroll. 

 

I think I almost caught him swooning when I pulled opened the door of the ‘Vette for him. 

 

And tonight, as he was drifting off, he told me what a wonderful, memorable night it was for him, sounding so satisfied… 

 

I felt really satisfied too.

 

It seemed really…okay. 

 

I could do it, I guess. At least a little bit. 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Dr. Stevenson didn't get as far into his lecture with the boys as he wanted to, about looking more objectively at the past, but I hope it makes sense anyway. 

I tried to show character growth for everyone, given this is a little over a year post-513. 

Thanks so much for your amazing support of this story!!! 

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