Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

“So tell me about these dreams.” Morgan pressed. He and Justin were on their third session and still the blond was reluctant to discuss what was keeping him awake.

“I don’t really want to.” Justin admitted. “Can’t we talk about something else?”

“We can.” Morgan agreed, “But you did mention that you weren’t sleeping. From what you’ve said it seems that these dreams are the culprit.” He pressed.

“Tell me about your kids.” Justin suggested changing the subject.

“Well, actually I don’t like discussing my personal life with …” He paused.

“Clients.” Justin finished for him. The man nodded.

“I have to watch getting too close. We aren’t friends. Friends aren’t always objective and in order to help you I have to be objective so ..” He paused again.

“So I get it. We aren’t friends.” Justin repeated. The man nodded. Justin nervously looked around the room. He’d never imagined this was going to be so difficult.

“So the dreams?” Morgan asked trying to keep Justin on task.

“They’re hard to talk to about.” Justin admitted.

“Well let’s just pick one then. What do you think?” Morgan pushed. Justin stood and moved to the window wishing he could open it. He’d checked in the last session and learned that it was painted shut. Morgan noted the movement.

“I’m not sure which one to pick.” Justin offered feeling trapped. He spent most of his waking moments trying to forget his dreams. It seemed ridiculous to actually try to relive one.

“Which one would be the easiest to talk about?” Morgan asked patiently.

“Well none of them actually. I mean they all deal with the same feelings.” Justin offered keeping his back to the man.

“Well let’s talk about those feelings then.” Morgan felt hopeful. This was going better than he’d expected. It was, after all, the emotions that were causing the blond to have the reoccurring nightmares. If they could help him work through his feelings then perhaps the dreams would take care of themselves.

“Helpless.” Justin offered softly. “I feel helpless.” He repeated slightly louder. “Inadequate.” He offered trying to put names on the emotions that tortured him in his sleep, and if he were going to be honest, his waking moments as well. “Responsible.”

“Well those are all very normal emotional reactions to the events that you endured. Why don’t we take it one emotion at a time?” Morgan offered. “Helpless.”

“Yeah.” Justin agreed. “That’s a big one.” He replied moving back to the couch. “He would be so sick. He was so out of it and getting worse a little each day.” Justin paused. “I had nothing to offer.”

“So what did you do?” Morgan questioned. Justin considered the question.

“Not enough.” He replied. “I didn’t know what to do to be completely honest. I was scared half of the time that I was going to wind up infected.” He offered. “I sold what I could to buy black market stuff. The national health care had nothing to offer. I tried to be there for him but it was hard watching him disappear like that. I felt like a little more of him slipped through my fingers each day and--” Justin paused as he stared at his hands.

Morgan wondered if the young artist was literally reliving that sensation. Finally Justin looked up meeting Morgan’s warm brown eyes. Morgan was struck by the anguish he found there. “And some days I just wanted to let go, to be done with it.” His voice was rough.

“Justin, that’s normal and understandable. It’s human.” The counselor sought to comfort the man.

“Human?” Justin hissed. “To wish a sick man dead, that’s human? To want it over so you can go on with your own miserable life, that’s human? I kept thinking it would be easier once he was gone. Easier for him, I rationalized. I just never counted on what would remain.” Justin shook his head swallowing against the lump in his throat. He would not cry in therapy. He would not cry in front of this man. His mantra warning him in his head to get a grip on his dangling emotions as Morgan leaned forward.

“And what remained?” He asked softly.

“The terrible realization that it isn’t a two week vacation but an eternity of loss.” Justin looked up tears in his eyes. He blinked them away looking back down at his hands. Morgan wasn’t sure what to say at that point. He had no easy answer to offer the blond. So instead he did the only thing he knew to do to help him gain enough distance to survive until their next session.

“I won’t try to say I understand Justin. I’ve never experienced a loss of that magnitude, but I can tell you that I’ve dealt with many surviving spouses and they have all expressed the same guilt at wanting it over then feeling as though they wished their lover’s life away.” Morgan waited until Justin met his gaze. “You didn’t kill Andy. You didn’t wish his life away. He was going to die whether you thought those thoughts or not. His death had nothing to do with you.” Morgan assured him.

“That’s where you’re wrong.” Morgan was struck by the absolute certainty in Justin’s voice. “His death had everything to do with me.”

************************************************************

“He was rude!” Lindsay declared working on the mural.

“He was defending me. It’s what he does.” Brian justified.

“I wasn’t attacking you. He actually questioned my friendship with you.” She sighed obviously disturbed by whatever Justin had said. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and waited. “He was angry that I didn’t tell you my feelings about Paul.”

“So was I.” Brian declared. “So what? You fucked up, we all fuck up.” He dismissed her anger. “Make me taller.” He declared pointing to the man in the leather jacket on the wall. Lindsay stared at the figure then decided that it was tall enough.

“I just think he should apologize.” She declared.

“Have you looked at him?” Brian asked. “He’s struggling Lindsay. For fuck sake cut him a break. He’s all over the place emotionally. Imagine where you’d be if something happened to Melanie.” Brian suggested.

“I’d be a wreck.” Lindsay admitted.

“So lay off of him. Let this one slide.” Brian offered.

“Actually,” Lindsay paused. “He did have a few good points.”

“Then why not thank him for his honesty and stop being a passive aggressive bitch.” Brian offered.

“I’m not a bitch. I’m passive aggressive but not a bitch.” Brian threw his hand up in surrender. “I guess you’re right though and he did actually have a point.” She reluctantly admitted once more. She knew Justin well enough to know that he wouldn’t have said anything unless he felt she really needed to hear it. She knew that Justin cared for her and for Melanie as well as their children, but most of all he cared about Brian.

“So, are we all friends again?” Brian mocked from the door.

“Friends.” She agreed, “But I’m not making you any taller.” He stuck out his tongue as he left the room. Brian paused in the hall. He knew that Justin was in counseling now. Jennifer had said something to Deb who had said something to Michael who had -- Brian shook his head. The grapevine wasn’t always a good thing. He considered waiting for the blond but realized that it would be mistake. He decided to head to Woody’s instead. The weeks of abstinence was wearing on him. He had to get laid or he’d be in counseling too.

**************

“Justin.” Lindsay’s voice startled him. He braced himself for round two but was surprised when she smiled and motioned him to where she was standing. He moved in that direction.

“Are you seeing Morgan?” She gestured to the offices.

“Yes, I figured everyone knew.” He admitted knowing how the family grapevine worked. The tension between he and Lindsay was thick.

“Brian was just here.” Lindsay offered struck by Justin’s lack of reaction. She decided to take a different
tack. “Do you want to see what I’m working on?” Lindsay was struck by how vulnerable the younger man looked. She felt desperate to move past what had happened and to reassure him that she wasn’t angry. She offered him a smile as they moved into what was to be a conference room. It was beautiful. There was a mural on one wall. He walked to it immediately recognizing many of the faces. He turned back and smiled.

“It’s amazing.” He declared as he walked up and down several times trying to take in the enormity of it.

“Thanks.” She replied humbly. Feeling unsure of how to bring it up she decided the straight forward approach was best. “About the other day.”

”I don’t want to fight.” He turned and offered honestly. He had nothing left to fight with anyway. He felt totally exhausted after his hour long duel with Morgan. “I just see your relationship with Brian being less than it could be.” He admitted.

“I don’t want to fight either. I just wanted to say that you’re right.” She gave him a small smile. “I hate to admit it, but you were right. I let him down.” Justin looked back to the mural. He hadn’t wanted or expected a confession.

“It’s none of my business.” He offered in response. “I should have stayed out of it.”

“Why?” Lindsay pressed. “Why should you stay out of it?”

“It’s between you and Brian.” Justin rationalized. “It’s none of my business.”

“Brian is your business.” Lindsay declared. Justin turned to protest but she put up her hand. “I’m not saying you’re involved with him, just that you have always been his truest friend.” Justin accepted her words then turned once more to the mural.

“You put in the Diner.” He pointed. She nodded. “Jenny and Gus in the park with you and Melanie watching from the bench.” Lindsay moved to his side.

“There is Em with Ted.” She pointed to two men heading into the Diner. “Hunter, Michael and Ben on bikes.” Justin hadn’t noticed.

“The Vic Grassy House.” Justin noted. “Deb walking to her shift at the Diner.”

“Brian.” Lindsay pointed to a man standing beside a jeep staring down a dark street. Justin considered him. It was a good likeness. Anyone who saw it would know it was Brian.

“I like it.” Justin offered. “It has a real sense of purpose.” Lindsay met his approval with a kiss on his cheek.

“Thanks.” She replied. “I knew you’d get it. It’s about community, family, friends and how all of our lives aren’t just random existences, but we complete each other. We are a community.” He took a few steps back and let the colors wash over him.

“I love it.” He sighed. “It’s wonderful Lindsay. Has Melanie seen it?”

“Yep.” The woman’s voice called from the doorway.

“Ready to go?” Lindsay asked.

“Yeah, the meeting ran late.” They kissed. Justin glanced away giving them a moment of privacy. He missed that feeling of belonging with someone. He hadn’t felt it in so long.

“Want to have dinner with us?” Lindsay offered.

“No, thanks.” Justin moved to the door. “I have to get home.”

“See yaw Melanie.” He called.

“Bye Justin.” He left leaving the two women staring after him.

“How’s he doing?” Melanie asked kissing Lindsay once more. Lindsay shook her head.

“Brian’s really worried. Jennifer told Deb he isn’t sleeping at all now.” Lindsay turned back to the mural. It was almost finished but she had to wait before adding the last part.

“Let’s head home.” Melanie yawned. “I’m beat.”

“Me too.” Lindsay replied as they flipped off the lights and headed out together.

*******

Justin turned on the lights in the Art Department then headed to his desk. He moved to the thermostat and turned it up as he did every morning. He would turn it back down once the room was bearable. He had just settled in at his drafting table when he heard a familiar voice in the door.

“Early bird?” Brian asked walking into the room carrying a paper cup holder which held two large coffees. Justin smiled, grateful for the thought.

“Yeah.” He reached for the cup Brian handed him.

“One sugar and way too much cream.” Brian offered. Justin smiled.

“Better than a little cream and way too much sugar.” He glanced up at Brian who raised a hand in surrender.

“What are you working on?” Brian asked.

“That fucking stupid ass baby wipe bullshit.” Justin grumbled. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth to keep from laughing. He hated the campaign as well, but the money was too good to turn down. “This is the fourth fucking time I’ve changed it.”

“They’re picky. I hate picky.” Brian offered.

“Bullshit.” Justin laughed. “You love picky. You ARE picky.” Brian laughed too as he shrugged off the accusation. He loved being this close to Justin. At the moment things felt so normal. This is how it had been once. Brian wondered if it would ever be this way again.

“So how are things?” Brian got comfortable pulling a stool over from the other table so he could face Justin.

“You mean counseling?” Justin glanced up. Brian raised both eyebrows in affirmation. “Okay I guess. Morgan is having me come twice a week. I think he’s afraid to let me go too long without seeing him.”

“Why?” Brian was surprised.

“It’s just intense.” Justin admitted.

“I know it comes as a great shock, but I’ve never really been a big fan of talking myself.” Brian admitted. Justin huffed a soft laugh then furrowed his brow.

“Really?” He sarcastically quipped. Brian nodded reveling in their exchange. He missed it so much.

“Just never really was very good with words.” He admitted. “But I fuck like a race horse. If I had to choose between the two skills, I’d go with the race horse.”

“Till you turn sixty and you can’t get out of the gate anymore. You might find yourself reconsidering your skill set.” Justin played along.

“Yeah well we’ll see.” He offered. “So what exactly is it that they want this time?” Brian changed the subject turning his attention to the ad. He leaned in closer. Justin felt the warmth of Brian’s breath over his shoulder and realized how much he ached to be touched. It would be so easy just to close his eyes, fall into Brian and all that involved, to forget about the past, and let Brian take him some place safe where there were no regret, no apologies, just sensations.

“Pink and blue.” Justin forced the temptation away. “The whole fucking thing is pink and blue.” He sounded disgusted. Brian sat back watching as the blond worked to redesign the panel. He’d never realized how confining the work had to be for him. Justin was an artist. There was a time when Justin would sit for hours, unmoving, working furiously on a sketch, usually of him, now he was redrawing lines and shading in hues of pink and blue.

“Fuck it.” Brian offered. “Give it to Mark. Why don’t you just take the day and draw something you want.” Justin glanced over at the man wondering if Brian had just lost his mind. “In fact let’s do better than that.” Brian continued. “Lindsay’s gallery has a new show she thought you would like. Why don’t we blow things off today and just do that instead?” Justin actually laughed thinking the older man was being sarcastic. When Brian didn’t join in Justin pulled up.

“What?” He managed to ask in disbelief.

“You have the concept down.” Brian indicated the panel. “Just leave it for Mark to finish up.” Brian continued. His tone was that of a patient parent. Justin allowed it. It wasn’t the first time Brian had spoken to him like this in order to get his point across. “You and I could go to the gallery and see what Lindsay is talking about.” Brian tried to keep the hope out of his voice. He didn’t want Justin to know just yet how desperately he wanted more time with him.

“Are you serious?” Justin asked. Brian gave him his patented tongue in cheek, no shit expression. “What will everyone say?”

“Why would they have to know?” Brian asked. “It’s not like they’ll be in anytime soon.” Brian glanced around the empty room.

”This is exactly what I was afraid of when I came here to work.” Justin turned back ignoring Brian’s offer.

“That I’d make you go to a gallery?” Brian played dumb.

“No, that it wouldn’t be professional, but personal.” Justin tensed as he began using another shade.

“You didn’t seem to mind being personal with me a few weeks back at Babylon or at the hotel--” Brian shot losing his patience.

“That was different.” Justin demanded throwing the pastel to the table.

“How?” Brian asked incredulously.

“I wasn’t working for you and you were with someone.” Justin spat.

“Right, and that makes it so much better.” Brian shook his head. “That may be the dumbest thing you have ever said to me.”

“It’s not dumb. It’s honest.” Justin replied. He was beginning to retreat and Brian could sense it.

“Justin, I’m not going to pretend that we aren’t friends just because you work for me.” Brian wasn’t about to let the man slip away again.

“When were we ever friends?” Justin jumped back on the offense.

“We were always friends.” Brian argued. “From the moment I saved your ass when you ran off to New York to the moment you saved mine from that stupid fucking sexual harassment suit.” Brian reasoned. Justin sat back amazed that Brian knew about that.

“I’m the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Did you really think I wouldn’t find out?” He offered in the face of Justin’s shock. “Now will you come to gallery with me or not? I thought we could grab Gus after school and maybe hit the park.” Justin nodded still processing what he’d heard.

“Great. You put the note on Mark’s desk. Tell him I made the assignment.” Brian offered. “Let me go clear my schedule.” Justin nodded numbly as he reached for a post it and a pen. Brian looked back as he reached the door. He could hear the first of his other employees arriving through the lobby. He watched as Justin quickly wrote Mark the necessary information convinced that there was something to that whole early bird thing.

************************************************

“So he invited you too?” Justin asked and Brian nodded. “He didn’t mention it.”

“I’m sure he just forgot.” Brian offered giving him a meaningful look before they both laughed.

“His powers of deception leave something to be desired.” Justin observed as he moved to the next painting. Brian stepped back and appraised it before speaking.

“They leave a lot to be desired.” He observed. “Want me to bow out?” He offered. Justin glanced back then focused once more on the painting.

“Why?” He asked sincerely.

“I just don’t want you to feel like--”

“We’re being set up?” Justin finished for him. Brian chuckled softly behind him as their eyes met. “No, let’s just go. Maybe Ben will cook something exotic. I used to love when we would eat at their house.” He admitted.

“I never knew that.” Brian volunteered wondering to himself why he hadn’t.

“I loved it as much as you hated it.” Justin replied.

“I never hated it.” Brian argued. Justin pinned him with a knowing gaze.

“Okay I hated it but it was only because of all the shit Michael would give me.” Brian admitted. “He was always trying to pin me down or encourage me to do things that I didn’t really want to do anymore. It was like he couldn’t accept that maybe I’d changed.”

“Maybe he was afraid if he admitted that then he would have to also admit that you were no longer his best friend.” Justin offered moving into the next room. Brian paused considering the truth and honesty in Justin’s observation, he followed a moment later.

“So how can we make this more bearable for me?” He asked moving up behind the blond.

“Well obviously you are going to get a shit load of questions about Paul.” Justin felt Brian’s hands on his arms. He fought the temptation to lean back into the man.

“Yeah, no doubt. I’ve already told him that it is over.” Brian offered.

“Yeah but the fact that we’re both invited makes me think he’s ready to see us back together.” Justin paused considering.

“Who’d have thought?” Brian laughed.

“Not I.” Justin admitted. “But I guess people change.” He sounded sad and Brian wondered why.

“Some people change for the better.” Brian offered hoping Justin would see that he was among that group. After all he was now more than willing and ready to give whatever Justin needed from him. This time he would speak up. This time he wouldn’t let him walk out, but ironically Justin seemed to have changed as well and no longer wanted any of that from him.

“Yeah.” Justin observed walking out of Brian’s touch and on to the next painting.

“Justin,” Brian reached for him and pulled him back into his arms. This time they were facing each other. Slowly Brian lowered his head wondering if Justin would pull back. Their lips met and Brian felt Justin’s lips part. They kissed for a long moment standing apart only joined by their mouths. When he pulled back Brian saw sorrow in the younger man’s eyes. “What?” He asked. Justin reached up cupping Brian’s chin staring longingly into his eyes.

“Nothing.” The blond replied though his actions told another story. Brian reached for him but Justin stepped away. “Don’t.” He warned. “I can’t have you Brian.” He replied sadly looking down at the floor. “Not like this, not like it means something.”

“Why not?” Brian demanded. Justin looked up rolling his lips into his mouth. He cocked his head to one side as he considered the older man standing so close and yet so far away.

“It’s my act of contrition.” Justin offered as he turned and walked into the next room leaving Brian to figure out what the hell had just happened.

*****************************************

“I asked that you be honest with them. I didn’t realize I was being unreasonable.” Ben placed his hands on his hips staring down at his partner.

“I didn’t say it was unreasonable. I had every intention of telling them. I just forgot.” Michael replied knowing it sounded as lame as it was.

“Forgot?” Ben questioned. “Don’t make it worse by lying to me.” He warned.

“Okay, I didn’t forget but I was afraid they would say no and I really wanted to have them both over so I--”

“Manipulated them?” Ben asked.

“No.” Michael crossed his arms over his chest defensively. Ben raised one brow waiting for the man that he loved to admit his mistake. “Okay. I’ll apologize but it’s too late to call. They are more than likely on their way.” There was a knock at the door. Michael quickly kissed Ben on the cheek as he gave him a triumphant smile on his way to greet their guest.

“Paul.” Michael’s surprise was only topped by his obvious displeasure.

“Nice to see you too.” Paul offered quizzically. It wasn’t like Michael to be rude like this. “I have a book I borrowed from Ben for the commitment ceremony. I wanted to return it.” Michael snatched the book out of Paul’s hand quickly trying to get rid of the man.

“I’ll give it to him.” Michael gave him a hasty smile.

“Ben?” Paul called. Ben appeared in the doorway. “Thank you for letting me borrow the book. It was full of so many lovely verses. I had hoped to use a few but now it doesn’t look like I will be getting that chance after all.” Ben offered the man a sympathetic smile then accepted the book from Michael.

“I’m sorry it wasn’t more useful.” He offered sincerely. He knew that the man was hurting. There was no sense rubbing salt into the wound. “I have to go check on dinner if you’ll excuse me.” He moved out of the doorway.

“It smells wonderful.” Paul moved past Michael confused by the man’s lack of hospitality. As he entered the small apartment he realized he was intruding. “Oh you’re having company.” He observed.

“Yeah, so if you don’t mind.” Michael began just as there was another knock at the door. Michael sighed then reluctantly moved to answer it.

“Hi Boy Wonder.” He mumbled. Justin furrowed his brow as Michael stepped aside. “Come on in and join the party.” He offered. Justin glanced past Michael and met Paul’s icy glare.

“Well, well, well if it isn’t the grieving widower.” Paul snapped.

“Paul--” Michael objected.

“It’s okay Michael, he’s just bitter old fag. He can’t help himself.” Paul smirked.

“Oh the kitten has claws.” Paul quipped with mocking admiration.

“You have no idea.” Justin offered sick and tired of this man’s bullshit. He’d tried to ignore it but he’d had just about enough of Paul’s abuse.

Justin had spent a long afternoon with Morgan reliving the events leading up to his going to Paris. He had no patience left for Brian’s ex. He felt raw and the last thing he had any tolerance for was this man standing before him playing the injured party.

“Is that a challenge?” Paul spat flippantly. Justin actually laughed. Paul glanced uncomfortably at Michael and Ben before turning his attention back to Justin.

“Do I amuse you?” Paul asked.

“Yes, Paul you do.” Justin sighed shaking his head hearing the words he’d spoken to Morgan echoing in his head. ‘I just wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough for him. Brian needed something I couldn’t give.’ He closed his eyes squinting against the noise in his head.

“Justin?” Paul seemed sincerely concerned for a moment until the blues eyes opened once more sharp and alert. He took another step back reassessing the situation. “What’s so fucking funny?”

“You.” Justin answered bluntly. “You standing here pretending that I took something away from you.”

“You did you little shit. You took Brian--”

“You never had Brian.” Justin shouted. “No one has Brian. Don’t you get it? He can’t be had.” Justin shook his head, the words once more returning. ‘Didn’t love me, he didn’t love me, he didn’t love me, loved to fuck me but didn’t love me.’ Justin pressed his palm to his temple willing them away.

“I did have him. We were about to walk down the aisle.” Paul spat.

“You didn’t have Brian.” Justin sounded exhausted.

“Don’t tell me what I had and what I didn’t have. You’re the one that seduced him away from me. You’re the one that under minded everything we had been building between us.” Paul accused.

“Little old me? A kitten took your mate away?” Justin asked incredulously. “Look at me Paul, what’s so fucking amazing about little old me?” He asked laughing. “You lost Brian because you never had Brian.”

“Oh and I suppose you did?” Paul spat.

“No.” Justin voice had suddenly gone hollow. “No I have no illusions about that fact. I never had him, he just had me.” Justin met Paul’s gaze then quickly composed himself. They shared a moment of mutual understanding both suffering from the same affliction.

Justin swallowed as the silence grew. Paul sized up the smaller man. He’d underestimated Justin in so many ways. He found himself doubting all he had once believed about Brian. He still couldn’t let go of the hate he felt for the man facing him. Justin had ruined it all. If only Paul had been granted more time then surely Brian would have come to love him.

“Well let’s just say I was more than a fuck.” Paul launched. He watched as he managed to land a direct hit.

“Yeah.” Justin replied. “But then at least I was a decent fuck.”

“What are you asserting?” Paul challenged.

“That if you were so good in bed, why was he fucking me two weeks after I saw him again?” It was Justin’s turn to inflict some damage.

“Now guys let’s not do this.” Ben tried. Michael placed his hand on his partner’s arm moving them both into the kitchen and out of the line of fire. It was too late to stop this from happening. Their best bet was to stay out of the way.

“So,” Justin continued seeing that he had hit on a real insecurity in the older man. “Tell me Paul did you ever find that spot behind Brian’s left ear. The one the makes him go crazy? Did you ever realize that his breathing goes staccato when he’s about to cum? Did he ever tie you up and lick whipped cream from every inch of your body? Did you ever beg him to let you cum after he’d brought you to the edge ten times?” Paul’s bravado seemed to shrink with each question. “How many times did he run his fingers through your hair whispering your name over and over until he finally fell asleep?”

“That’s just fucking!” Paul spat. “There is so much more to life and to love than that. If you weren’t so young and stupid you would know that.”

“I’m neither young nor stupid Paul. I’ve loved and been loved. I know the difference between fucking and loving someone.” He shouted. “So don’t you dare pretend to know dick about me.”

“I had more with Brian than you could ever have hoped to have.” Paul spat defensively. “What future did you think you would have with him? You’re nothing more than a pretty face and a nice ass, Justin Taylor. What did you really have to offer him besides drama and heartache? I know Brian. I know what he wants and what he needs.”

Brian sighed leaning his head against the wall outside the open door to Michael and Ben’s apartment. He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there. He’d considered entering when he’d first arrived and recognized Paul’s voice, but now was reluctant to interrupt. He realized that he had learned more in the last few minutes than he had in the months since Justin’s return. He was relieved to know that the real Justin was still alive. He was merely trapped inside the shell that had returned from Paris.

“You don’t know shit about Brian and from what I’ve heard that’s how you wanted it. You were too busy manipulating him to ever appreciate who he was or what he wanted.” Justin challenged the man, amazed by how flustered and unsure Paul was becoming.

“I know what he wanted. He wanted me!” Paul declared. “And he wanted me for more that a blow job in a backroom or a roll in his bed. Can you say that?” It was a solid blow. Justin had expected it but still felt its impact rock his foundation. Paul smiled in the face of Justin’s pain.

“That doesn’t matter.” Justin replied weakly. Brian pushed off of the wall in response to Justin’s reaction.

“It mattered enough for you to run away. It mattered enough for you to find someone else. It mattered enough for you to stay with that person even when you knew Andy’s days were numbered.” Paul continued now that he felt he had Justin on the ropes.

“You don’t know a fucking thing about what happened with Brian and I so just fuck off!” Justin shouted desperate for Paul not to go where he was headed. “Don’t pretend that you understand one damn thing about me and my life. You’re clueless where I’m concerned!”

“Oh I don’t think so Justin. I think I understand you very well. You saw it all working out, kept pretending or were you just flat out lying to yourself where Brian was concerned. You saw it all happening. The ceremony, the life together, hell I bet you were just naïve enough to believe there might be children.” Paul smirked hatefully. “Tell me Justin when you were holding Andy’s thin cold hand did you think about that fucking ring you spent hours creating and how differently your life would have been had Brian actually loved you enough to say yes?” Justin froze.

“How did you know?” He whispered. “Who told you?” He demanded. Michael looked to Ben as the pieces of the past suddenly shifted into place. The answer to Justin’s sudden disappearance and Brian’s floundering illuminated by a reference to a ring.

“Who do you think?” Paul smugly replied enjoying the blond’s pain and outrage.

Michael had heard and seen enough. He was about to jump in and throw Paul out just as he heard their front door slam shut. He turned to find Brian standing in the doorway.

“Shut the fuck up Paul. Don’t you ever talk to Justin like that again.” Brian ordered, his eyes glaring into Paul’s. Michael felt Ben’s arms tighten around his waist. They weren’t sure whether it was a good thing or a bad thing that Brian had arrived.

“Brian!” Paul gasped. Brian looked to Justin who refused to meet his gaze. He pushed away his need to explain choosing to put Paul in his place first. He stepped forward placing himself between Justin and Paul. Narrowing his eyes he pinned Paul where he stood.

“You really don’t get this do you Paul? Are you stupid or just too stubborn to accept reality?” Paul seemed at a loss for words. Brian glanced back at the blond. He read the betrayal there before turning back to face Paul. Brian pressed on. “I told you before for me it’s always been Justin.” Justin glanced up at Brian understanding the words but realizing how worthless they were now that their moment had come and gone. It was too late.

Justin glanced over at Ben and Michael. He wondered if they had known as well. Maybe everyone knew about that night. Justin found himself for the first time in over a year thinking about the ring. He’d worked for months to create it knowing it was a symbol of his love for Brian. It was a replicate of their relationship, simple on the surface but complex beneath it all. He couldn’t believe that Brian had kept it. He couldn’t imagine why.

“Brian, you didn’t hear the entire conversation. I know it sounded dreadful there at the end but--” Paul attempted.

Michael stepped forward. “You’re a liar! Get the fuck out of our house Paul.” He added.

“Loyal to the end.” Paul sneered in the direction of Brian’s best friend. “He’s never going to fuck you Michael, so why don’t you just stay out of this.”

“Paul, I think you should leave.” Ben offered in the way of support of his spouse as he tightened his arm around Michael’s waist.

“Leave Mikey out of this, Paul. This is between you and me.” Brian warned.

“Well apparently there is nothing between us anymore. Isn’t that right Justin?” Paul met Brian’s gaze then glared at the blond. Justin held his gaze refusing to look away.

“Just go Paul.” Brian warned Paul. He then turn to face Justin. He wanted to explain but knew he couldn’t at least not until Paul left. Paul narrowed his eyes as he noted the tenderness he found now in Brian’s eyes as he moved past the man on his way out the door. He’d never seen that look in Brian’s eyes before. He was so open, so vulnerable. The two men continued to face one another fully aware of the other eyes that were watching them. Paul huffed, disgusted by the evidence of all that Brian and Justin had shared.

“Fuck you Brian.” Paul spat as he stormed out of the door. Michael moved to the entrance closing the door behind the man. When he looked back he was struck by the way Brian and Justin were looking at each other. Brian obviously filled with remorse and Justin steeped in uncertainty.

Chapter End Notes:
TBC
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