Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

“So you think this is a good idea?” Daphne asked as they walked through the park. She motioned to a bench. The two friends sat in silence for a long moment, each watching a group of children playing in the field across from where they were sitting.

“No, I think it’s a terrible idea.” Justin finally admitted. “But I agreed to do this so I have no choice.”

“Of course you have a choice.” Daphne replied incredulously. “Just say no.” Justin considered her words knowing they were true to a certain extent.

“Well it isn’t like he’s holding a gun to my head, but he needs me there.” Justin admitted.

“And it feels so good to know that Brian Kinney actually needs you.” Daphne words struck deep, wounding the blond. He felt himself retreat slightly as a result.

“Don’t make me sound so fucking pathetic.” He shot back defensively.

“Don’t be so fucking pathetic.” She argued.

“Fuck you!” Justin hissed, rising to stare down at his friend. Daphne sighed. This was going badly.

“I’m sorry.” She offered sincerely hoping he would accept her apology. “I feel like shit and I’m taking it out on you.” She admitted. “I just don’t understand why you are going back when it’s so obvious that you aren’t ready. There are other interpreters.” She offered. Justin returned to the bench taking her outstretched hand, the rift mended.

“I know.” He replied solemnly. “I guess I’m just ready to be over this as well. I’m ready to move on and it feels like Paris keeps pulling me under.”

“So you think going there will somehow either help you sink or swim?” She asked clearly concerned for her best friend.

“Yeah.” Justin hadn’t thought of it that way but it was accurate. “I guess so.”

“What if you sink?” She asked leaning into him laying her head against his shoulder.

“I don’t know.” He replied his voice sounding distant as he considered that possibility. “I guess the best I can hope for is that someone will see me drowning and throw me a life preserver.”

“I wish I were going.” She offered knowing that she would do anything to keep her friend afloat.

“Me too, but you’re too far along.” They both took in her swollen stomach.

“She kicks all the time.” Daphne complained.

“It will be over soon.” He tried to comfort her.

“Yeah, then I get to push a beach ball out through a straw.” Justin laughed then shuddered.

“You promised, no images.” She laughed with him as he rose then helped her up from the bench. “Now don’t get any crazy ideas about becoming a mother while I’m out of the country.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulder as they walked along.

“I won’t, but I can’t promise what my daughter will do, she seems to have a mind of her own.” She leaned into him once more wishing she could comfort him the way he always seemed to comfort her.

“I’ll be okay Daphne.” He assured her. “Brian will be there. He’ll watch out for me.” Justin added. Daphne remained quiet, already knowing where her next stop was going to be. She wanted to make it clear to the ad man what her expectations were and the consequences of his failing to meet them.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

“I told you that I understand that!” Brian was losing his patience with a very pregnant Daphne.

“Promise me.” She continued. “Promise me and I’ll leave.” She offered.

“What the hell do you want me to promise?” Brian resented being dictated to in this manner. He felt his old insecurities beginning to come back to life.

“Promise you’ll watch out for him. Promise me that if he needs you that you’ll drop whatever or whomever you’re doing and be there for him.” She demanded.

“He’s a big boy.” Brian quipped.

“Yeah, he’s all grown up, but we both know he’s struggling. You are the ONLY reason he is going back there now, so the least you can do it watch out for him.” She demanded.

“I will.” Brian replied. “I already told you that I wo--”

“No, you said you’d watch him. I want to know that you won’t let him out of your sight, that you’ll set business aside if you see him struggling, that you’ll reach out to him, that you’ll bring him home if it’s too much.” She demanded.

“Daphne,” Brian sighed shaking his head. He realized how much Justin and Daphne were alike. Brain missed this same persistent drive that Justin had once possessed. Now he seemed so muted and apathetic. Brian gave the woman a small reassuring smile. “I’ll take care of him.”

“No fucking around in front of him.” She added. Brian narrowed his eyes as he readied his protest. “You lost him once, you ready to lose him again?” She challenged. Brian already knew it wasn’t an issue. He had no desire to be with anyone but Justin even though the two men hadn’t been together since that night at Babylon months ago.

“Are you finished?” He raised one eyebrow. The woman sat back in her chair assessing him for a long moment before finally nodding. She rose with some effort then extended her hand. Brian accepted it.

“He’s not ready for this.” She accused hoping Brian would agree to postpone the trip. The older man rolled his lips into his mouth considering her concerns versus what he knew about sorrow and regret.

“Daphne, he can’t run forever.” He offered. “Sometimes the only way to defeat a demon is to face it.” She noted the certainty in his eyes and found herself wondering how many demons Brian had faced in the last few years.

Accepting this truth, she allowed the man to show her out of his office.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Cynthia glanced nervously at Brian as they both turned their attention to Justin who was sitting at the conference table with them, even though it was obvious that his thoughts were some place far away. Brian suspected where but didn’t want to consider that at the moment. Cynthia bit her lip hesitantly as if waiting for the young man to return to Earth before speaking. Brian knew it was of no use to wait. He cleared his throat indicating that she should proceed.

“So I’ve booked Brian and Justin into the hotel in Paris for Thursday. You’ll be there for two nights then the rest of the team will arrive late Friday. The Villibord people are to pick all of us up from the hotel on Saturday and take us out to the estate.” She paused flipping through some notes. Brian noted that even now Justin seemed to have no interest in the itinerary of their upcoming trip. Hiding his concern, Brian picked up a pen and began taking notes.

“Did you use a travel service? Do you have our confirmation numbers?” Brian asked leaning back in his chair. He’d traveled a great deal during his career but had never ventured over the ocean, though he’d come close around four years earlier. He felt a little vulnerable in a city where not only did he lack language skills but knew very little of the culture as well.

“No I did it myself.” Cynthia replied not looking up from her notes.

“You did what?” Brian asked leaning forward. Cynthia looked up quizzically.

“I said I booked them myself.” She replied once more sounding a little exasperated. “I needed the practice. I’ve been working on my French.” She offered.

“Great, practice on your own reservations.” Brian shot clearly more concerned than impressed.

“I did.” Cynthia replied flippantly.

“Guys can we NOT do this?” Mark Stowe asked. He’d been a last minute addition to the team and was feeling a little stressed about getting up to speed before helping with the pitch. “We still have the boards to review.” He offered. Cynthia pressed on, feeling the glare Brian was now leveling in Mark’s direction. He was new to the team as well as to Kinnetiks and would soon learn not to cross the boss.

“So I have you two booked on Thursday. Mark, Carol and I will finish up a few details here and fly out on Friday.” Cynthia smiled widely, her enthusiasm having little effect on the blond sitting across from her in the conference room. She watched as Justin kept his eyes glued to the itinerary on the table in front of him.

“Well that’s just great Cynthia. You made our reservations in Paris.” Brian couldn’t help but doubt her effectiveness. If he’d known she was going to do something like that he would have had Justin make them instead.

“Oui,” Cynthia replied before launching into exactly what she’d said to the hotel. “Bonjour je souhaiterais faire une réservation pour une chambre pour Mr. Kinney et son accompagnon Mr. Taylor." Cynthia replied smiling widely.

Brian raised one eyebrow. Sighing she shook her head then translated, “I told the concierge that it would be you and your accompanist.”

“You make it sound like Justin is my fucking pianist.” Brian griped. “What am I suppose to do, sing in the bar?”

“No, I didn’t.” Cynthia sighed in disgust. “I told them he was someone accompanying you on your trip.” She looked at Justin realizing that he still wasn’t listening.

“You’re sure he understood you?” Brian asked, his doubt evident.

“I’m sure.” She reiterated. “He was very nice.”

“Well just as long as both of our rooms have their own bathrooms.” Brian threatened.

“They both do.” She sighed, her frustration evident.

“Fine then, let’s look at the layouts.” Brian suggested. “Justin?” Justin continued to stare at the conference table. “Justin?” Brian spoke louder startling the blond. “Ready to join the meeting?” Brian sarcastically shot. Justin remained quiet. He’d been up most of the night. Another nightmare from his past chasing away any hope of getting a full night’s rest.

“We need the layouts.” Cynthia offered softly. Justin nodded, rising then moving to the wall where he’d placed the portfolio. Pulling out the sketches he placed them sequentially on the table. Cynthia stood as did Brian and the others to get a better perspective.

“I like the ones that focus on the grapes.” Cynthia offered.

“They all focus on the grapes.” Brian argued. “It’s a wine.”

“No, this one is about people. This one is about bottles of wine. This one,” She paused pointing to the board to the far left. “is about the grapes. It’s so peaceful. It looks like the perfect place for two lovers to escape the grind of life.” Justin took note of her words wondering if somehow she’d read his mind. It was a scenic landscape that he had drawn from memory. He could still remember the day so clearly. He and Andy borrowed a car and traveled out from the city. They hadn’t known each other long. It had been that day that Justin had first begun to feel hope that one day he might love someone other than Brian. They’d laughed most of the day getting lost more than found. Closing his eyes he could hear Andy’s musical laughter in his ears.

“Justin?” Brian called. “Justin?” He tried again louder this time. Justin started then opened his eyes.

“Do you have the media package as well?” Brian asked masking his concern.

“Yeah, it’s in my briefcase.” The artist replied weakly.

“Anyone have any questions? Now is the time to ask, Justin and I are about to head out to pack then we fly out tomorrow.” Brian offered, looking to Mark, Carol and then to Cynthia. “Then I guess that’s it. I have a short meeting with Theodore then I’m out of here. You can reach me on my cell.” Brian added as he gathered his notes.

Mark, Carol and Cynthia filed out discussing airport transportation. Brian watched them go then turned his attention to the blond who was carefully packing the boards. He couldn’t help but notice the stark contrast between the two blonds concerning the trip. Cynthia was all but willing to swim to Paris where as Justin seemed to be walking his last mile. Brian silently moved out of the room giving Justin the time he needed to gather his items. It was going to be a long week for the younger man, but Brian had meant it when he’d promised to keep an eye on him. Brian had no intention of letting the blond out of his sight.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

“Something to drink?” The attendant asked startling the blond who was staring out of the window into the darkness of the night.

“No thank you.” He murmured softly as the woman moved on to the next row of seats. Justin glanced around to the passengers sitting next to him as well as across the aisle. Everyone seemed to be asleep. Justin felt envious of them as he turned back to the window and his misery. He knew that Paris held the promise of escape but had never considered the long hours of confinement he would have to endure in order to be free.

During those hours he felt trapped with the last four years of his life. He could see it all so plainly now. Funny, how perspective always seems to arrive a little too late to offer any real solace or solution, Justin closed his eyes leaning his head against the cold glass. How had he made so many compromises? How had he accepted so little for so long? It was only now that he was stepping away that he realized all that he had truly lost in that parking garage. Somehow Hobbs had taken far more from him than just his artistic ability. He’d also beaten the fierce spirit of determination and honesty he’d always felt compelled to obey.

He’d never been one to apologize for what he wanted and that was exactly what he’d spent the last three years doing.

“I’m sorry I love you too much to share you Brian.” He whispered softly against the window. He huffed a soft sigh rolling his lips into his mouth. He’d never expected this kind of pain. He’d left Brian once before and knew that this time, like the one before, would not be easy but never had he expected it to hurt this much. He felt so foolish for his naïve optimistic proposal.

“Are you okay?” The older woman sitting next to him reached out, touching his arm. He turned to her and gave her what he hoped was a convincing smile. The creases in her brow deepened revealing his failure. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” He offered surprised by the lump he now felt in his throat.

“Missing someone special?” She persisted. Justin was amazed at the struggle her simple inquiry brought on. He found himself blinking back tears he’d felt were long gone by this point. “It will be okay.” She reassured. “I’m sure she’ll--”

“He’ll.” Justin corrected automatically and was grateful that it didn’t seem to affect the woman at all.

“I’m sure he’ll be there when you get back.”

“Justin?” Justin woke with a start turning in his seat to find Brian’s hand on his arm where the woman’s had been four years earlier. “Are you okay?” He asked his concern evident. Justin managed a small nod. “They’re about to serve food.” Brian offered with predictable disgust.
Justin laughed in spite of his current mood. “It’s not funny. It’s probably dog.”

“What do you think they serve in France?” Justin asked with mock seriousness. Brian furrowed his brow before laughing with relief when a smile appeared on Justin’s face.

“That’s not funny.” Brian nudged the smaller man grateful to see Justin smiling once more. He’d been so quiet ever since he’d picked him up that morning. “Be sure to teach me the French word for dog so I don’t order it by mistake.” He added.

“I’m not hungry.” Justin waved off the attendant as she brought his plate.

“It’s a long time before we reach Paris.” The attendant warned.

“No thank you.” Justin politely replied turning back to the window.

“It’s not as disgusting here in first class.” Brian tried to encourage the younger man to eat.

“I said I’m not hungry.” Justin repeated his tone a clear warning for Brian to back off. Brian waved off the food as well.

“So what were you thinking about?” Brian asked once the attendant had moved on. Justin hesitated before answering.

“The past.” He reached forward into the pocket located in the back of the seat in front of his and pulled out a set of headphones.

“I thought we could talk.” Brian offered reaching out to take the headphones from the blond.

“What about?” Justin asked feeling far too exposed and vulnerable to talk about much.

“How about the past.” Brian suggested.

“Nothing to talk about.” Justin deflected.

“Must be some. You’ve been lost in thought about it all day.” Brian pressed.

“No sense reliving any of it.” Justin offered softly. Brian blew out a long breath.

“Okay Justin.” He admitted turning toward the blond. “I know I’m not any good at this, so you are going to have to take the lead. I can’t help you if I don’t know what is going on in your head.”

“Since when have you ever given a shit about what was going on inside of my head?” Justin spat then pressed his lips together regretting his reaction. “I’m sorry.” He offered. “I’m just …” He sighed. “It’s just so hard going back over it all.”

“I’m sure it is and when we land it will be even more difficult, but you have to help me know what you’re feeling Justin. I wasn’t here with you and Andy. I don’t know what will make you--” Brian began.

“I wasn’t talking about me and Andy.” Justin interrupted. “I’m talking about the last time I headed to Paris.” Brian was shocked by the admission.

“Oh.” He replied weakly.

“Yeah, not too hot to talk about that huh?” Justin shook his head turning back to the window.

“There just isn’t much to say.” Brian agreed with Justin’s earlier need to put the past behind them.

“You know, now that you mention it, there really is.” Justin argued. “You keep saying you want us to start over but do you really?”

“I’ve told you that.” Brian offered reaching for the blond only to meet with resistance. He furrowed his brow.

“Well I don’t want to start over. I want to go back. I want to go back to that time before the bashing. I want you to tell me what the fuck happened to me. I want to know when I turned into this pathetic little pansy who is willing to accept whatever the fuck you will give me.” Justin hissed.

“What?” Brian asked in confusion.

“Why did you let me turn into that person? That weak ass fairy who actually felt grateful for the crumbs you let me have from your table?”

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!” Brian growled. A moment ago he’d tried to reach out to the blond, trying to help the younger man as he dealt with the horrors of his past, and now he was in the middle of being blown out of the water for things that happened years ago.

“I’m talking about you and me. I’m talking about compromises. I spent a lot of time in Paris wondering when it first started. When did I start letting go of what I really wanted from you and start accepting what you were willing to give me?” Justin asked. “I think it started when I woke up in the hospital and you didn’t come to see me. Solitude gives one a great deal of time to figure out the realities of one’s life.” Brian furrowed his brow wondering how things had gotten off to such a shitty start. Justin continued before the brunet could interrupt. “Yeah it started there in that bed with my hand in that fucking traction brace. Nothing like trying to sort colored paper clips with fingers that won’t fucking grip anything to help someone accept the fact that being fucked up somehow changes everything. Being fucked up makes all dreams unobtainable. I mean I was never going to be the artist, not anymore that is, so what were the chances of my ever being loved the way I’d hoped to be?” Justin asked waiting patiently for Brian to respond. Brian swallowed trying to wrap his mind around what the blond was asking.

“Justin?” He began having no idea what else to add.

“Then after years of accepting my fate, stumbling around, being tossed out on my ass, treated as a glorified fuck buddy, and finally just a convenient partner as long as I went along with the Kinney plan, I left.” Justin smirked. “It felt like the end but you know what?” He paused enjoying Brian’s confusion. “It was the beginning, or at least it should have been. I met Andy and he loved me.” Justin searched Brian’s eyes for a long moment searching for something that he knew he would never find there. “And yet I didn’t trust it. I couldn’t accept it. No, that’s a lie.” Justin admitted softly. “No more lies.” He vowed to himself.

“Justin?” Brian reached for him feeling a need to be connected, to feel reassured that they would weather this emotional storm together. He felt the blond push his hand away.

“I don’t want to talk anymore Brian. It’s all been said before. It didn’t make a damn’s worth of difference then what the fuck will it do now, four years too late?” He turned back to the window leaving Brian wondering how he was ever going to find a way to break through the pain and despair surrounding the man he loved.

“Justin, I can’t undo the past.” He admitted softly, wishing Justin would turn so that he could see his eyes and read if the younger man was even listening. “I can’t undo it, but I’ll listen if you want to talk.”

“I loved you.” Justin murmured. “God how I loved you.” His voice broke, the sound of it stabbing Brian a sharp pain replacing the dull ached he’d felt all morning. Brian remained silent, unsure of how to respond to the admission. “Speechless?” Justin asked glancing back over his shoulder. “Deja fucking vu.”

He turned back to the window and leaned once more against the cool glass wishing he were anywhere but on a plane headed to Paris.

Chapter End Notes:
TBC
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