Midnight Whispers
QAF Brian and Justin Fanfiction

Michael was just finishing the last bite of noodles when he heard the intercom buzz.

“Brian, you want me to get that?” He called around his mouthful of food. Brian, who was on his cell in the bedroom, waved him toward the door. Michael tossed one of the empty take out cartons into the trash then buzzed the front door. “Should I take off? Is this like your nine o’clock trick?” Michael teased as he threw open the door and watched as Justin climbed the last few stairs. “Justin!” He sounded happy, but surprised to see the younger man.

“Hey, Michael.” Justin seemed slightly uncomfortable. “About the other night--” He began.

“Paul was out of line, besides don’t tell Ben but the food was really spicy. I couldn’t eat it. It would have made you both sick.” He laughed. Justin smiled, grateful for what the other man was doing to ease his discomfort.

“Well I owe you and Ben dinner. When I get my own place…” His voice trailed off.

“You’re getting your own place?” Michael asked enthusiastically as he stepped aside and allowed Justin to enter.

“Yeah, as soon as I can find one.” Michael noticed the bandage on Justin’s hand.

“Oh shit, what happened?” Michael asked furrowing his brow.

“Depends on who you ask.” Justin replied cryptically.

“I think I just asked you.” Michael teased.

“I was trying to open a window and my hand slipped, went through the glass, a few stitches.” Justin explained.

“Does it hurt?” Michael asked.

“Like a motherfucker, but that’s what drugs are for.” Justin explained.

“And here I thought you’d forgotten all that I taught you.” Brian’s voice interrupted the two men as he made his way out of the bedroom. “That was Cynthia on the phone, she can’t make it.” Brian explained.

“How about Alexander?” Justin asked.

“Family emergency.” Brian replied. “Off the team entirely.”

“Oh.” Justin stated. Michael sensed the tension as he loudly clapped his hands together, grateful that he was about to leave.

“Well good to see you Justin. Let me know if you want me to go with you when you start apartment hunting.” Justin returned his smile. Michael moved to his best friend, kissing him on the lips before grabbing his jacket and heading to the door. “Have fun you two.” He offered as he left the loft, throwing one last hopeful look back.

“You’re looking for an apartment?” Brian asked trying to sound nonchalant but failing. Justin watched the man as Brian stayed busy throwing away the empty take out containers that were littering the counter.

“Yeah.” He replied softly.

“Why?” Justin couldn’t help but wearily roll his eyes as he considered the repeating theme that dominated his life with Brian. Since their first year together his living arrangement had always been an obstacle between them. From the moment his father had forced him to choose, Justin had been a wanderer, moving from one person’s home to the next. Paris was the first time he’d ever been completely on his own and even there it hadn’t lasted long as he had eventually migrated to Andy’s apartment. Justin looked up meeting Brian’s eyes. He read something there but wasn’t sure what it was that he was seeing.

“Just the first I’ve heard of it.” Brian’s mind was reeling at this news. He should have known, especially now, that Jennifer had begun to doubt Justin, that the blond would move out on his own. The idea of Justin being alone worried Brian, given the blonde’s mood swings and lingering depression. He knew first hand how dangerous it was to be alone with dark thoughts.

“Well you couldn’t have thought that I would stay with my mother forever.” Justin replied incredulously. Brian nodded not admitting what he had thought would be Justin’s future living situation.

“Well let’s get started.” Brian offered opening his refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of Villibord Champagne. Justin walked over and took it from him examining it.

“It’s an 86.” Justin gave him an approving look. “A good year for Brut.” Brian tried not to let his surprise show, but knew from Justin’s amusement that it did. “Not a dumb blond remember?”

“Oh yes, I remember.” Brian replied as Justin handed the bottle back to the man, their fingers brushing as he did so. Brian wondered if Justin felt the same spark that he did from the contact. As the blond immediately distanced himself from the other man, Brian realized that he had. He smiled as the poured two glasses.

“Villibord is used commonly in Paris at the most prestigious gatherings. The few times that I was a part of those gatherings in the art community it was what everyone wanted.” Justin offered.

“And I had never heard of it.” Brian marveled at that fact.

“It’s a French a thing.” Justin replied over his shoulder as he stared out at the city from Brian’s living room windows. “Kinda like how over here we make a huge deal about Jim Beam, instead of some of the more sophisticated whiskeys like Midleton.”

“Midleton’s good stuff.” Brian carried the glasses with the bottle into the living room. He then moved up behind Justin. “Here you go.” Justin turned and retrieved the glass. “What shall we toast?” Brian teased.

“A ta sante!” Justin offered his glass.

“Here’s to your health.” Brian offered in return as their glasses met. Justin laughed before sipping his wine.

“What?” Brian asked enjoying the dry delicious liquid that filled his mouth.

“That’s what I said.” Justin admitted.

“Well Sunshine, great minds think alike.” He took another sip relieved to see that Justin too was following his lead.

“So where do you want to start?” Justin asked as he moved away from the window foregoing the uncomfortable chairs and moving to the couch instead.

“You’re the expert.” Brian admitted as he joined him on the couch.

“Well there are some common mistakes that American’s make with the French.” He offered.

“Like?” Brian asked.

“Asking personal questions.” Justin offered. “Here we take it as a sign of interest but there, in a professional setting, it’s not done.” Brian nodded wondering if he needed to take notes.

“Well it isn’t like I’m much for small talk anyway. Can’t ever remember giving a shit about a client’s family let alone asking about them?” He took another sip and Justin followed considering other important tips that he’d learned over his three years in France.

“Until Monsieur Villibord invites you to address him more personally you should stick with Monsieur Villibord. You don’t ever use first names unless invited to do so. People on the same level would use first names but you shouldn’t until someone tells you it’s okay. Oh and the okay sign doesn’t mean okay it means zero.” Justin added.

“Seems pretty trivial.” Brian offered.

“Trivial to you but it’s their culture. What we would consider a small slight is a huge offense to them so just stick with these rules.” Justin defended. Brian leaned forward grabbing the bottle and filling both of their glasses once more.

“So Monsieur Taylor what else?” He leaned back enjoying the taste of the champagne as it flowed down his throat. He watched Justin drink enjoying the way his throat moved as he swallowed.

“Unless you are fluent only use French for greetings and toasts. I think you should learn a few and practice them then use an interpreter if you need one.” Justin offered.

“That’s where you come in.” Brian shifted downing his glass. “Now teach me a toast.” Justin sat for a moment considering the situation and the expectations of the French.

“Puisse ce jour être le commencement d’un grand voyage vers le bohneur,la santé et la prospérité.” Justin held up his glass waiting for Brian who followed suit then they both downed the contents. Brian attempted to repeat the words several times tripping up in a couple of spots. On the third attempt and fourth glass of champagne he succeeded.

“Now tell me what the fuck I just said.” He reached for the bottle realizing it was almost empty. Justin felt a little dizzy as he translated.

“May this day mark the beginning of a great journey with happiness, health and prosperity as our destination.” He offered.

“We need more champagne.” Brian glanced toward the refrigerator hating how far away it was from the couch.

“I think I’ve had enough.” Justin warned. “This doesn’t mix well with pain meds.”

“Shit I forgot.” Brian spat. “Okay no more.” He placed his glass on the coffee table. “Teach.” He ordered.

“Well when you shake hands you need to do so with everyone upon meeting them and then also as they leave.” Justin cleared his throat. “And don’t worry about that whole firm handshake makes the man bullshit. In France you want to keep it quick and light.” Justin offered.

“Show me.” Brian reached out his hand offering it to Justin who hesitated for a moment remembering his physical reaction to the older man earlier. He almost laughed at himself as he took Brian’s hand, the touch light and yet professional. He began pulling his hand away only to discover that Brian refused to release him.

“Brian.” He offered softly, a small smile playing on his lips.

“What if I find Monsieur Villibord attractive and wanted to ask him to come back to my place for the fuck of his life?” Justin pulled his hand but finally gave up his struggle, surrendering instead to the feel of Brian’s fingers stroking over his own. Justin found himself watching the action. He was mesmerized by how tenderly Brian’s fingers were moving over his. He looked up expecting to see Brian’s lust filled eyes meeting his own but instead there was an openness to Brian’s expression that frightened the blond. He felt helpless and had no words to explain his sudden need to run away. At the same time he found the force that held him in place just as mysterious and compelling.

“Justin.” Brian spoke one word before feeling the movement of his hand matched by the younger man as the force that had always drawn them together sparked to life, forcing their bodies together in a desperate passionate kiss. Brian heard the soft whimper and then felt the shudder that signaled Justin’s surrender as he deepened the kiss drawing the man to him trying to explain with his body what the young man refused to accept with words.

Justin pulled back feeling vulnerable and exposed. “That’s a French kiss.” He tried to break the moment of tension with humor but Brian refused to give in. He knew that tactic and had always employed it himself. Humor and sarcasm, two valuable weapons of choice, but this time he chose something more effective.

“I want you.” He whispered huskily against the blond’s lips as he took them once more with his own. Justin wanted to protest, to list all the reasons that this was a mistake but he found that logic had somehow abandoned him as Brian coaxed it away with every touch, kiss, and word.

“Brian.” It was a plea and a request. Brian had waited so long for this moment. In the back of his head he could hear the warning. He was rushing this, Justin wasn’t ready and yet the writhing body in his arm convinced him otherwise.

In a tangle of clothes and frantic movement the two men somehow managed to end up naked on the bed. It was then that Justin heard it. Andy’s voice was in his head accusing him of things that he knew were true, but too painful to admit. ‘If he was here you’d fuck him.’ The words spat bitterly from a man who was so prone to kindness. ‘Tell me you’re over him!’ The lie had been harder to speak than Justin had ever imagined. His words fell far short of convincing his lover that the ghost of Brian Kinney had been banished from his heart.

Justin fought to concentrate on the feeling of Brian’s hands kneading his muscles, seeking more, but still Andy’s voice assailed him.

‘Sell them. Sell all of them. If you love me, really love me, sell them.’ Justin pushed away from Brian, struggling to the side of the bed where he sat gasping for air.

“Justin?” Brian’s voice was filled with concern and surprise. A moment ago they’d been so close and now Justin was pulling away again. What had happened to change the horizon so suddenly?

“I have to go.” Justin’s voice was mere breath into the silence of the loft.

“Don’t go.” Brian reached for him. Justin felt a little more of his heart die as he remembered all the times he had longed to hear those words. Timing, it was all about timing. How could he ever explain that it was too late?
Justin looked back meeting Brian’s gaze. Brian ached at the depth of sorrow and despair staring back at him.

“I’m sorry Brian.” Justin offered. “I never meant…” His voice trailed off into a helpless shrug. He rose and hurriedly moved to his discarded clothing. Brian watched for a moment unsure of how he should react. Coming back to himself, he practically leapt from the bed so that he might intercept Justin before he reached the door.

“What Justin?” He demanded. “What happened?” Justin pulled away, his grip on his own emotions dangerously frail. “Tell me!” Brian persisted. “Tell me what happened? Why won’t you be with me?” Justin continued to struggle both physically and emotionally.

“He trusted me.” Justin offered.

“Who Justin? Andy?” Brian continued his voice soft but demanding as he struggled to hold on to the surprisingly strong blond. Justin nodded miserably.

“He believed me.” Their eyes met and Brian held his gaze refusing to look away even in the face of such pain and desolation. “I wanted it to be true. In the beginning I told myself it was true. I told him I was over you. I was so angry at you. I wanted it to be over. I wanted to be free.” Justin took a moment forcing the tears from eyes. Taking a shaky breath he continued. “But as time went by I knew I wasn’t. I knew I still loved you and that I always would.” He looked up from the floor the tears filling his eyes once more as he pleaded with the older man. “Do you know what that feels like? No matter who I’m with, no matter where I am, you’re there, in me, with me. Have you any idea what it feels like to be branded so deeply by someone? To be joined in some way that you find that you filter your entire life through their eyes even when they’re an ocean away? Even when there is a loving trusting man sleeping peacefully beside you?” One tear fell but Justin succeeded in holding the rest at bay.

“Yes.” Brian replied urgently then once again softer, less demanding. “Yes, Justin, I know exactly what that feels like.” The honesty and openness of Brian’s confession frightened Justin. He wasn’t sure what the confession meant. He finally pulled free of the other man stepping a safe distance away.

“I can’t do this.” He confessed weakly. “I can’t be with you.”

“Well then we have problem Sunshine, because I have no intention of letting you go.” Justin rolled his lips into his mouth unsure of how to respond.

“It’s too late.” He offered sincerely.

“No.” Brian continued. “It’s not.”

“I can’t do this.” Justin reiterated.

“Not now maybe but I can wait.” Brian offered.

“I may never get there.” Justin warned him.

“Yes, you will.” Brian moved to the man and reached for him. They held one another for a long moment. “What happened in the bedroom Justin?” He asked hoping it wouldn’t send the man running into the night.

“I heard his voice.” Justin confessed his lips mere inches from Brian’s ear. Brian furrowed his brow.

“Andy’s?” He questioned and felt the blond nod against his neck.

“It’s an old fight we had.” He sounded weary and Brian began moving them to the bed once more, suddenly aware that he was still naked. “It’s like it’s looped in my head.”

“A fight about me?” Brian asked somehow taking comfort from the fact that he’d been in Paris with Justin in some small way.

“Yeah.” Justin confessed.

“What happened?” Justin stopped, pulling back and staring into Brian’s eyes for a long moment as if deciding whether or not the older man could bear the truth. Finally he shook his head and shrugged.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He finally offered. Brian didn’t push it this time as he slowly removed Justin’s clothing.

“I want you.” Justin confessed. Brian kissed him softly then lowered him onto the bed wordlessly. He wrapped his arm around the slim blond holding him tightly to his body.

“Sleep.” He ordered kissing the blond head that was now nestled against his chest.

“I thought you wanted…” Justin began.

“Sleep.” Brian reiterated firmly. He wasn’t sure when Justin finally drifted off. Brian was too deep in thought to notice. Sleep never found the older man that night. Brian spent the rest of the night wondering how to once and for all chase away the memory that was haunting Justin. Knowing full well if he failed to do so, there was no hope.

*****

Paul sat back on his couch, feet propped comfortably up on his coffee table. He sipped his hot tea enjoying the way it warmed his body before setting the cup on the saucer. He then grabbed the file that had been lying beside him. He’d delayed getting into it until this very moment, knowing that he needed to be quiet and thoughtful as he perused the facts, theories and opinions of the one who had become the sole focus of his resentment.

The biographical information was benign until he reached the part about Justin’s father. So there was a split there, a rejection by someone who Justin believed had once loved him. Paul filed the fact away as he continued on. The themes took form fairly early on in the sessions. Morgan was either brilliant or half-assing his job. Maybe he was just one of those counselors who felt that if his clients could merely learn to love themselves their lives would be sunshine and roses. Paul reached for this cup once more taking another sip as he continued to read the man’s observations.

Guilt. Paul could understand that. He too had felt the guilt of surviving. He found himself struggling not to over identify with the blond because of this. Of course all he had to do to quash that instinct was to remember the failed commitment ceremony and the loss of Brian from his life.

Sighing with frustration he set his cup aside carefully, reading and rereading the inside track on Justin Taylor. Paul felt certain that the weapon was in this file, the particle of truth that when launched would mean the end of everything Brian had hoped to ever have with Justin again. Paul had to find a way to reveal to Brian just how deeply damaged the blond was. He had to convince Brian to cut his losses and to seize the opportunity at real happiness that their love had offered him.

But then there was also Brian’s need to fix things. Brian’s own guilt over whatever had happened to Justin over the last few years. How it could have been the older man’s fault was beyond Paul, but he’d sensed that heightened sense of responsibility from the first night. It was as if Brian had served as a self appointed guardian for the blond and Justin had been hurt on Brian’s watch.

Paul sat up as the details leapt from the page. He read and reread the paragraph, grateful for the actual quotes Morgan had included from his interview with the blond.

“Addiction. It feels like a fucking addiction sometimes. I thought I could get him out of my system but then I would find myself always returning for another hit. Even a year after the split I clung to whatever I had left of him, like some pathetic little fairy pining away.”

Paul felt hope spread across his face. Guilt and addiction, the weapon coming from Justin’s own words. Brian was a drug that was killing him and even though he realized it, he couldn’t let go.

Paul laughed out loud at his own ineptitude. How could he not have seen this? It was perfect. Paul knew that Brian would never walk away from Justin, but if there was even a shred of hope that by doing so he could possibly help the man, Brian would run.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Justin woke slowly, his body coming to life a few minutes ahead of his mind. There was a warm body curled against his and for a moment he allowed himself the luxury, as he had so many times in the past, of pretending it was Brian.
He felt the heat of the other man’s breath and the quiet friction of their skin as they lay molded against one another. It was as if they had been cut by a great puzzle maker and in his plan they were meant to fit.

This time the sensations felt so like Brian, Justin found it confusing. He tried to remember what day it was, where he was, what he had on his schedule for the day. It was then that the other man shifted placing a soft kiss to the back of Justin’s neck, long fingers combing through his blond hair. Only Brian woke that way and it was then that the realization dawned upon the blond, he wasn’t pretending. He was in Brian’s arms once more.

He allowed himself a moment to bask in deep rich pleasure the filled him at the mere closeness of their bodies. The strength and complexity of the mind and the lean hard body beside him, helped Justin hold the guilt and sorrow at bay. Why couldn’t he just accept that this was right? Why couldn’t Andy just fuck off and leave him alone with his happiness? Hadn’t Justin endured enough during those long months of nursing him? Wasn’t that enough to pay his debt?

“Justin?” Brian’s voice was hoarse with sleep as he reached for the younger man pulling him closer. Justin came willingly, wondering for the millionth time why he’d ever left. After all when things were good with Brian they were very very good but then again when they were bad, it was agony. Justin tried not to think about the latter as he turned into the man’s embrace.

Opening his eyes he met the same hazel eyes that had filled his dreams for so many years. He knew them so well, each and every fleck of gold and green. He’d tried to recreate them time and again but never managed it. He blamed his hand, but knew that part of his failure had been linked to the anguish of accepting that he was left with reproductions now that the source of his inspiration was gone from his life.

Brian opened his mouth but Justin brought his fingers up silencing him. Instead he lowered his head and captured Brian’s lips in a tender loving kiss. When he pulled back he noted the hesitation in Brian’s eyes. It lingered there for only a moment before it was replaced with certainty as Brian leaned up, matching Justin’s tenderness.

“I want you to move in.” Brian whispered against the blond’s lips as they began caressing one another with well honed skills, touching, kissing, offering, taking.

“I should never have left.” Justin confessed. Brian didn’t argue. It was the first sign of hope in such a long time between them. He was almost afraid to breathe knowing that anything could upset the fragile moment in which they were existing.

He watched as Justin’s hands curved around muscles as if recreating him in his artistic mind. Brian always found Justin’s attention to detail erotic as he lowered his mouth to the blond’s neck.

“Justin.” He whispered.

“Don’t say anything.” Justin replied as he continued to trace Brian’s arms, his chest his jaw line and lips. “You’re beautiful.” Justin finally replied.

“Move back in.” Brian tried once more wanting a clear acceptance from the blond.

“I can’t.” Justin rolled his lips into his mouth feeling the darkness he’d held at bay returning.

“I’ll help you.” Brian offered wondering if Justin was concerned about being able to do the work with his stitches. “I’m not just good for sex. I can carry a box or two.” Justin considered him for a moment. He loved Brian. He’d loved him for so long, but Justin knew it was a mistake. He wasn’t ready to move in with a new lover not when his grief was still so close. He needed more time, more space to work things out. He had to figure out how to banish the condemning voice in his head that even now was threatening to pull him under. Why wasn’t it just enough that he was here, in Brian’s bed, offering what little he had to give? Why wasn’t it enough for Brian? Why did he have to push?

Justin sensed the irony on the moment. He’d left because he wanted more and now he felt like leaving because he wanted less.

“No.” Justin replied. “I won’t move back in.”

“Why?” Brian asked before he could stop himself.

“It’s better this way.” Justin replied lowering his mouth to take Brian’s but Brian pulled away.

“For whom?” He asked growing impatient. It was obvious from the way Justin was touching him that it was all still there. When he’d first awakened this morning Justin had felt so right in his arms. It was as if for the first time in years life was as it should be. Brian wanted that. He wanted that feeling each day. Living through the cancer had taught him not to take tomorrow for granted. He wanted each day to be as it should. He and Justin had already lost so much time together.

“Brian, don’t.” Justin warned.

“Don’t what? Question you?” Brian asked his temper getting the best of him. “Ask for something I want?” Justin sighed and rolled off of the man. “Answer me!” Brian demanded.

“What would make you think I want to move in here again?” Justin asked his own frustration evident.

“If this isn’t moving to that end then what the fuck are we doing here?” Brian demanded indicating the bed.

“Fucking!” Justin spat. “Just fucking!” Brian narrowed his eyes.

“Justin--” Brian started but the blond jumped back into the fray surprising Brian with the ferocity of his argument.

“Don’t try to convince me that what we do in this bed has anything to do with some greater connection between us. Well unless you’re prepared to say you have a greater connection with half the men in Pittsburgh.” Justin spat.

“So we’re back to the tricking.” Brian sighed in frustration.

“No, we aren’t. You are.” Justin replied. “I don’t give a shit about the tricking, fuck whoever you want, just don’t try to say that somehow fucking me is more meaningful. It didn’t float when I left and it doesn’t float now.” Brian considered his words. Old arguments were not what he’d expected this morning. He’d seen things going another way.

“I don’t trick anymore.” He admitted.

“I know you stopped.” Justin replied softer this time. “For Paul.”

“I just realized..”

“I don’t want to talk about how you were able to give up anonymous sex for Paul Connor but not me.” Justin made it clear that topic was off limits.

“I wasn’t..” Brian began wondering what it was that he had to say that might help the situation. “It wasn’t that he was more to me, it was just that I didn’t care--”

“I’m sure that made him feel very special Brian. Is that what you told him?” Justin almost laughed at the scowl Brian now had on his face.

“What the fuck do you want from me Justin?”

“Nothing.” He offered solemnly.

“Nothing?” Brian asked watching as the blond slowly cooled before his eyes.

“I don’t want to fight.” Justin replied covering his eyes with the back of his hand.

“Well maybe I do, or am I not allowed that either?” Brian pushed off of the bed and moved to his jeans. Justin watched him go. He wanted to explain but knew that Brian would never accept the truth. Brian would never understand that it was necessary for Justin to make this sacrifice in order to protect him. If he moved back in it was only a matter of time before he started asking more and more of the other man until Brian would eventually come to resent him. How could two men fit together so well physically and yet emotionally be so incompatible.
Justin sat up and searched for his pants. He dressed in silence feeling Brian’s eyes on him as he did so.

“You’re leaving?” Brian asked wondering how it had all gone so wrong.

“Yep.” Justin’s tone was even.

“Well isn’t that familiar. It’s like a fucking déjà vu.” Brian spat. Justin looked up his face void of emotion. Somehow it only managed to deepen Brian’s anger.

“I’ll see you at the office.” Justin turned picked up his keys then left. Brian heard the door slam shut, the finality of it bringing back a distant memory he chose not to dwell on.

Who was this man who had just left the loft? How could this be the same Justin who had walked away three years before? How could this be the same man who had wanted a ring and a commitment? Brian felt as though he had stepped into a worm hole and was once again dealing with a traumatized blond. Justin’s post traumatic stress colliding with his own fucked up emotional detachment causing them to wind up playing at their relationship, keeping the door open to whoever they chose to let into their bed. It was an old mistake and one Brian didn’t care to repeat.

“The problem with an open door is that you never know who might walk in.” Why was that phrase the one that Brian always seemed to remember about those days? Because someone had walked in and as a result Justin had walked out, not this time though. Brian didn’t want to go back. He was almost forty and ready for something more. He was ready to settle down. He’d feasted enough at the sex buffet, it was time to push back from the table and say enough. He could now be satisfied with one man. How ironic that the one man he could be happy with, the man who had opened his eyes to the possibility of loving and being loved, now no longer seemed to want to be with him?
Brian headed back to the bedroom needing to shower and dress before heading in to the office. He had no idea what to do next, but giving up was not an option.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Paul was waiting for him when Brian arrived at the office later that morning.

“I need to speak with you.” His urgency concerned Brian as he motioned to the receptionist to hold his calls. Brian moved into this office, removing his coat then carrying his brief case to the desk.

“What is this about Paul? I have a lot to do.” His voice was impatient as he watched Paul cross the room undeterred and take a seat.

“It’s about Justin.” Paul offered.

“Justin?” Brian furrowed his brow. “What the fuck would you know about Justin?” Paul paused for moment more for effect than necessity.

“Well as it so happens being head of the GLC Board also includes heading up the investigation into the incident that occurred between Justin and his counselor.” Paul paused watching as Brian’s discomfort increased. The brunet said nothing so Paul continued. “We confiscated Morgan’s case notes in order to insure that there was no malpractice on his part.”

“You what!” Brian demanded leaping to his feet. “You confiscated his confidential notes. What the fuck ever happened to client privilege?” Brian demanded both shocked and angered by the obvious violation into Justin’s life.

“Look I’m not here to defend my actions--”

“Good fucking thing Paul, they’re indefensible!” Brian spat, furious at the man so coolly addressing him.

“I was looking out for the GLC, but after reviewing them I found that I had to come here in order to protect Justin.” Paul offered. Brian was taken aback by the confession.

“Really?” Brian asked incredulously as he sat back down still feeling the fury bristle up his neck.

“Yes, I know it’s hard to believe but I love you too much to watch you make a mistake.” Paul offered.

“Who are you here to help again? I thought it was Justin.” Brian demanded.

“It is.” Paul replied softly.

“Rather than helping Justin or even me, it sounds like you are doing this shit only to help yourself!” Brian accused.

“Brian please, just hear me out.” Paul struggled to remain calm.

“Why the fuck would I want to sit here and discuss Justin’s private counseling? What makes you think you are qualified to or in any position to talk about someone’s personal issues?” Brian leaned forward over his desk.

“I’m here because I know you are at a loss as to how to go about helping Justin and as painful as this may sound, according to the notes, you are only making things worse.” Paul appeared sincere and contrite. Brian felt a small twinge until he remembered the source of this revelation. Brian laughed startling the other man. He continued for a few more moments before clearing his throat and resuming their conversation.

“Paul, what did you hope to accomplish here today?” Brian asked his voice measured but lethal. Paul cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably.

“I was just trying to help.” He offered defensively.

“Oh right, you said that before.” Brian noted then pinned the man with a glare. “Now try it again and try to sound sincere when you say it.”

“Brian--” Paul began feeling desperate to salvage what might remain between them.

“You just don’t get it Paul. You just don’t.” Brian stated shaking his head then pushing up until he was standing. He looked down at the man. “I love him.” Brian met Paul’s gaze refusing to look away. “The only reason you ever got your fucking foot in the door was because of him. The only reason I’m here standing before you today, is because of him. Nothing you can say, nothing you can do will ever cause me to turn away from him.” Paul licked his lips trying desperately to maintain his façade.

“I’m not trying to come between you.” He lied.

“Good, now get the fuck out of my office.” Paul couldn’t believe how badly things had gone. He stood wishing he had something redeeming to say. As he reached the door Brian’s voice pulled him up short. “I’d start writing some letters of resignation, because once I finish reporting the gross abuse you’ve just perpetrated, you’ll be lucky to escape without a law suit.”

Paul stood staring at his ex-lover. Brian seemed so sure of him, so engaged in what was happening. He was different. Paul felt defeated and now realized how devious he had become and for what? He’d lost Brian anyway. He’d lost him that night in the restaurant when Justin had reappeared. No, Paul realized, that wasn’t right either. He’d never had this Brian Kinney. This wasn’t the man who had settled for their life together. This was someone who was initiating a life with someone.

“I don’t know what to say.” Paul replied his remorse evident.

“An apology to Justin would be a good place to start.” Brian seethed. Paul surrendered in the face of Brian’s fury.

“Naturally.” Paul offered. “And I will be resigning from both the GLC and St. Mary’s Board.”

“Whatever the fuck, just get out Paul. You went too far this time. I still have no fucking clue what you hoped to gain by prying into Justin most private thoughts and feelings.“

“You.” Paul admitted honestly. “I thought I might get you.”

“Not going happen.” Brian assured him. Paul nodded as the finality began setting in. He’d never realized how much hope he had been clinging to until it was no longer a part of him.

“Does he have any idea how much you love him?” Paul asked.

“I don’t know Paul.” Brian admitted. “But I wasted so much time in the past trying to convince him that I didn’t love him, I think he deserves more than just a few months of effort to prove that I do.” Paul rolled his lips into his mouth considering Brian’s words.

It might not ever happen. He’s really hurting Brian. He blames himself and even his counselor couldn’t find out why.” Paul offered. Brian stiffened, once more feeling the abusive violation of someone so vulnerable. He hadn’t felt this angry or disgusted since the bashing.

“Fuck you.” He spat. “If I find out that you have leaked even one word of those notes to anyone, I will take you apart piece by piece until there isn’t anything left of you.” Paul was startled by the threat but something in Brian’s eyes made him believe it.

“I’m going.” Paul reached for the door knob turning back one last time. “You know I really did love you.” Paul confessed.

“You know, I never really knew you.” Brian replied. Paul knew now that it was truly hopeless to continue to fight for something that only now he realized that he’d never really possessed. Brian had always been Justin’s. As he stepped out onto the street Paul wondered if Andy had ever realized that his partner never belonged to him, but instead was owned by a man thousands of miles away.

Somehow that thought connected with the words he’d read in Justin’s file. Perhaps Andy had known about Brian.

Perhaps Justin’s inability to move on had somehow resulted in Andy’s infection. It rang true to the man as he pulled his coat around his neck and headed toward his car. Paul paused for a moment wondering if he should share his theory with his ex-lover, but after considering Brian’s current state of mind, decided against it.

Chapter End Notes:
TBC
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