The sound of Michael clearing his throat broke the spell between the two men. They both glanced in his direction as if suddenly realizing that they weren’t alone.

“I should go.” Justin offered, glancing uncomfortably at Brian then back to Ben and Michael before moving toward the door.

“We need to talk.” Brian declared moving in his wake, reaching out to stop him.

“Oh, now you have something to say.” Justin glanced back meeting Brian’s gaze. He noticed the effect his words had on the older man but chose to ignore it. Turning to address Ben and Michael he continued. “I’m sorry about dinner Ben. I’ll talk to you later Michael.”

“Justin.” Brian tightened his grip on the blond’s shoulder. Justin paused with his hand on the door. “I’m coming with you.” Brian declared as he released the man then threw his friends an unapologetic glance as he followed Justin out the door.

“Holy shit.” Michael cried. “Justin asked Brian to marry him.” He was shocked as he turned to face Ben.

“Explains a lot.” Ben mused. It had always been obvious to everyone in their family that Justin wanted to share with Brian everything that Ben and Michael had together.

“Fuck yeah it does. Justin must have been scared shitless when it did that or out of his mind.” Michael was amazed at Justin’s courage or was it naiveté where Brian was concerned. Even in those early months, years back, when Michael had gone out of his way to discourage the younger man in his pursuit of the elusive Stud of Liberty Avenue, Justin had ignored all the warnings and gone after what he wanted.

“Brian obviously didn’t accept.” Ben noted, moving into the kitchen to salvage what he could of the meal. He knew it wasn’t any of his business and yet he was amazed by Brian’s own self destructive tendencies. It was so apparent how much the two men loved one another. How could Brian have just allowed Justin to leave like that without trying to reason with him, explain somehow why he had refused to marry him? Then again perhaps Brian had explained it and Justin had decided to leave anyway, wanting more than the older man could offer. Brian was so hard to figure out at times. Ben imagined it must have been exhausting for the blond.

“I hope Brian can fix this.” Michael followed his husband into the kitchen still trying to accept what he’d just learned. “Can you believe the shit Paul said? What an asshole.”

“Well I can remember a time when you suspected that Justin was little more than a fun fuck buddy to Brian as well.” Ben reminded his partner before Michael could get too far ahead of himself.

“Yeah, but that was a long time ago. That’s what was so confusing when Justin just suddenly left. Things seemed to be so good between them then it was just….over.” Ben turned and reached out pulling Michael to him. He kissed him softly on his lips. Pulling back Michael smiled up at him.

“What was that for?” He asked.

“For loving me.” Ben smiled. Michael returned the kiss then deepened it. “And that was for?” Ben asked laughing softly.

“Loving me back.” He replied realizing that it was all so simple for he and Ben. Why couldn’t it be that way for Brian and Justin?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Will you slow down?” Brian caught up to Justin on the street. The night was dark and cool. The smell of snow was in the air. It wouldn’t be long before it would blanket the city once more. Perhaps for the last time before spring finally arrived. Justin pulled his coat tighter around his body as he reached the end of the sidewalk. There he turned to confront the man.

“You kept it.” Justin spat accusatorily. “And you showed it to him.” Justin seethed.

“Yes and no.” Brian argued keeping his tone even trying to soothe the other man. Justin sighed. The betrayal was like ice in his gut making the cool night air feel like a warm breeze in comparison. He was still shocked that Brian still had the ring that he’d offered him. Somehow the mere thought of it brought a bad taste to his mouth. He never wanted to see it or be reminded again of the long painstaking hours he’d spent creating it. All those hours of love and devotion wiped clean by a moment of horrible hollow silence. Justin shuddered. He told himself it was from the cold but he couldn’t tell if it was the temperature from without or within.

He couldn’t imagine how the ring’s discovery had played out between Paul and Brian. He didn’t want to think about it but his mind refused to submit as it began throwing out suggestions. Justin could see Brian in one of his darker moods tossing it out casually to both shock and amuse Paul. Of course Paul would have laughed with Brian enjoying Justin’s naivety and humiliation.

“Did you both have a good laugh at my expense?” Justin implored, two cool baby blues revealing his pain and sense of betrayal.

“Fuck no.” Brian was shocked that Justin would consider that an option. “He found it. He was snooping around in my shit and he found it.” Brian declared. Justin looked away. He knew Brian was telling the truth. He always told the truth. It was a relief to know that his pain hadn’t been mocked, but still it left the question unanswered.

”Why did you keep it anyway? It’s not like you ever wanted it.” Justin demanded. “Why didn’t you just throw it away?” Brian realized he’d never even considered throwing it away. He couldn’t consider that possibility even now years later. He knew on a deeper level why he’d kept it, but doubted that now was the time to delve into those reasons.

“I thought you might want it.” Brian offered. He watched Justin blanch at his words then turn and head down to the bus stop.

“Wrong Asshole.” Justin shot back over his shoulder as he moved away. “It was for you, not me!” He stalked further away before shouting back. “Throw it away. I couldn’t care less.”

“Justin!” Brian yelled watching the man move toward the bus stop. He glanced around the darkened street his eyes taking in all the suspicious shadows. This was not the place for this conversation. He turned and headed to his car. He pulled away from the curb rolling down the window, grateful for the cool night air and the unreliable bus schedule.

Justin needed time to think, he finished making his way up the street to the bus stop. Sitting on the bench, he found himself grateful that Brian had chosen not to follow him. He sighed throwing his head back and closing his eyes.

He’d spent the afternoon with Morgan discussing the painful details of his and Brian’s last night together. After trying to sort through those emotions, the last thing Justin wanted to do was to think about that fucking ring. He never wanted to see it, touch it or be near it again. Even now years later he could still feel the smooth metal under his fingers, as though the memory of it was embedded there, never to leave him, always a constant reminder of unrealized hope. He could still remember the anxious anticipation that he’d felt wondering how Brian would react when he first saw the secret hidden in the ring. Lost in thought, Justin failed to hear Brian pull up until the man called his name.

“Justin,” Brian began, “Get in.”

“No.” Justin replied wearily keeping his head back refusing to open his eyes.

“Get in Justin.” Brian ordered once more.

“Fuck off.” Justin demanded glancing up the street frustrated that there wasn’t a bus in sight. Brian sighed wondering how he could possibly convince Justin to talk to him. He realized that he was getting a taste of how Justin must have felt years back when the blond would want to talk and Brian always refused.

“Justin, please get in the car.” Brian attempted a new tack. “We need to talk.” Justin smirked in disbelief.

“What about?” Justin demanded. “I already told you to throw the fucking thing away. It’s meaningless.” He met Brian’s eyes both gazes a mixture of anger and sorrow.

“It’s not meaningless.” Brian defended. He floundered for a moment trying to steel himself for what he was about to do. This moment had played out before him for the last three years. He just hoped that now that the opportunity had arrived he wouldn’t blow it. “Justin,” Brian rolled his lips into his mouth staring down over the steering wheel before meet Justin’s gaze. “I want to talk about what happened. About,” He paused knowing it was time to face the music, “the real reason I still have the ring.” He glanced down then up, once more his eyes locking with the blond’s.

Justin eyed him warily then glanced once more down the street. Seeing that he had no means of escape, he slowly rose and to Brian’s relief got into the car. On the ride to the loft, as it had been three years ago, silence lay between them like a vast chasm. Brian glanced over watching the blond as Justin stared out the window at the passing buildings. The older man was filled with trepidation knowing that it was time that he found the words to start building back a bridge or risk losing Justin forever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Did you know?” Michael asked into the phone. Lindsay had gone silent ever since Michael had asked about the proposal.

“No.” She finally offered, her surprise obvious. “Are you sure?” She sputtered still at a loss.

“Well Paul said something about a ring and if only Brian had loved Justin enough to say yes.” Michael paused trying to remember more. “It seemed like a proposal.”

“Oh my gosh, that explains a lot.” Lindsay replied.

“It explains everything.” Michael demanded. “Why Justin left, why Brian wouldn’t go after him.”

“But Brian loved Justin, still loves Justin.” Lindsay argued. “Why wouldn’t he go after him?”

“Maybe he thought he’d screwed it up for good. Maybe he didn’t know how to fix it.” Michael grasped at straws.

“Maybe he convinced himself that Justin was better off without him.” Lindsay added her own theory.

“Well it explains why Justin reacted the way that he did at Brian and Paul’s engagement dinner.” Michael offered.

“Oh I can’t imagine how that must have felt.” Lindsay agreed. “So what happened after they left?” She asked glancing up at Melanie who was trying to follow the conversation.

“I’m not sure. Justin walked out first with Brian right behind him.” Michael moved to the window and realized that neither man was in sight.

“Do you think that they are together?” Lindsay asked wondering when she could safely call Brian and check on him without disturbing something more important.

“I don’t know. Justin seemed pretty pissed.” Michael admitted.

“Why? Do you think he was upset that Paul spilled the beans?” Lindsay was trying to understand.

“I think it is probably more than that. I mean he’s been through hell and now Brian and Paul fall apart and Paul is jumping all over Justin blaming him for it. The way he talked about the ring and proposal was so fucking rude. He even brought up the fact that Andy was dead into it.” Michael offered. “He’s a shit.”

“That was just what I was about to say.” Lindsay admitted. “I feel like calling him and giving him a piece of my mind. He’s really crossed a line.” She felt protective of Justin especially after seeing him after counseling the other day. It was obvious he was struggling at the moment and that the last thing he needed was someone else jumping on him.

“Let’s just be glad he’s not in the family anymore.” Michael offered laughing with relief.

“Good idea.” She smiled. “Well let me know if you hear anything.” She suggested.

“I will. Kiss Gus and Jenny goodnight for us.” Michael hung up the phone.

“Wow.” Ben sighed then moved up behind Michael pulling him back against his chest and burying his face into the side of his neck.

“Justin proposed to Brian.” Michael still couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah.” Ben whispered.

“Where do they go from here?” Michael asked. “So much has happened.”

“I don’t know Michael.” Ben sighed.

“Justin proposed to Brian.” The smaller man repeated as if saying the words again would make it easier to accept. He then leaned back further into Ben’s arms grateful for the strength and comfort he always found there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Want something to drink?” Brian asked as they entered the loft.

“No, but some answers would be nice.” Justin stayed close to the door reluctant to enter. Brian saw a flash of a younger Justin standing in that same spot several years back, their first night together. He suppressed all of the emotions that the memory evoked as he tossed his jacket toward the couch.

“Suit yourself.” Brian ignored the man and made his way into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and downed it, grateful for the delay.

Brian watched as Justin held his ground. He tossed the empty bottle in the trash then gestured to the couch.

“Well are you coming in?” He asked. Justin stepped forward still hesitant. “Shut the door.” Brian reminded him. Their eyes met both reliving a distant but almost sacred memory. One filled with fear and innocence, promise and suspense. Justin felt himself soften slightly as he was assaulted by waves of emotion that rushed back.
He closed the door and allowed himself a moment to consider what might have happened had he not closed the door their first night together but had instead listened to his head and made a break for it. He was pulled from that thought by the sound of Brian’s voice.

“Have a seat.” He offered. Justin turned away from the door then moved to the couch taking a seat at the far end opposite of Brian. Brian sighed and placed his feet on the coffee table. He had no idea where to start. Despite his nonchalant demeanor, he felt afraid for the first time in as long as he could remember. He suddenly recalled what it was like to fight with Justin. He never knew what might send the man rushing out the door then realized shamefully that he had pushed the younger man out more times than Justin had walked away. Brian sighed wishing he had the words to explain all that he was feeling. The words had repeated themselves over and over again in his head, a personal mantra for the last three years, but now suddenly just when he needed them the most they were eluding him.

“Brian?” Justin encouraged a slight irritation in his tone.

“This isn’t easy.” Brian admitted resenting the pressure. It was Justin’s turn to sigh. He shook his head smirking as he wondered why the hell he’d come to the loft in the first place. It was after all more of the same, the Brian Kinney Incommunicado Show.

“Well this has been enlightening.” He sarcastically quipped as he stood.

“Shit Justin just give me a fucking minute!” Brian shouted pushed off of the couch. He ran his hands through his hair, his anger coming out of no where. “Can’t you see I’m trying?” Justin was startled by the outburst as well as the slightly rattled demeanor of the older man. Wordlessly he conceded as he moved around to the front of the couch and sat back down. He waited as patiently as he could, resolving not to say a word. He kept his eyes on the windows, he could feel them calling to him. He needed some way of moving away from all the intensity in the room. He needed air. He couldn’t breathe.

Brian exhaled in resignation then rose and made his way up to the bedroom. Justin turned watching him go then returned his gaze back to the windows. Brian’s feet thumped across the floor signaling that he was returning to the couch. Justin wondered when the man had removed his shoes. He was startled from his thoughts by the sound of a sketch pad impacting with the coffee table. Brian then placed the black ring box on top of the pad before resuming his seat. He watched as Justin glanced down at the objects then over in Brian’s direction meeting the man’s gaze. Justin refused to touch either object. Justin had wondered what had happened to those sketches and refused to consider how differently life would have played out had he had them with him in Paris.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Brian demanded.

“What would you have me say Brian?” Justin asked softly.

“I kept them. I kept both of them all these years. Aren’t you curious why?” Brian found Justin’s lack of reaction both grating and concerning at the same time.

“I’m here aren’t I?” Justin still stared at the objects refusing to touch them. Brian recognized Justin’s refusal and was confused by it. It made no sense. He would have thought at the very least that Justin would have paged through the sketches. He leaned forward furrowing his brow.

“Jeez Justin, what the hell do you want from me?” Brian asked, his words amazingly sincere. Justin remained silent. How could he possibly tell Brian all that he wanted? “I fucked up Justin. I knew it the moment you slammed the door on your way out.” Brian admitted softly. “I guess I sat here most of that night holding that little box in my hand wondering why I let you walk out like that.” Brian sighed staring at the box, unable to look at the man who had given it to him.

Justin rose and moved to the windows needing distance between he and objects on the table. He’d never allowed himself to think about how Brian had reacted when he’d left that night. It had all been so intense, so devastating. He had been struggling to remember how to breathe, he’d had no room to consider Brian’s reaction.

“So did you find enlightenment in those hours of contemplation?” Justin sarcastically shot from the window. He refused to feel any sympathy for Brian about that night. He could still remember the pain he’d felt, the desperation when he’d reached Daphne. He’d been so sure that Brian and he were meant to be together and in an instant it had all been gone. He’d felt gutted. He could still feel the dull pain that night had permanently branded in his heart.

“That I was scared.” Brian offered softly refusing to let Justin’s sarcasm bait him.

“Scared?” Justin huffed in disbelief.

“Yeah.” Brian’s voice was firmer as he spoke. “Scared, no that’s wrong, I was fucking terrified.” Justin furrowed his brow.

“Of what? Me?” Justin asked incredulously.

“Yes of you and what that meant.” Brian admitted feeling weak and despising it more than anything he’d ever felt. Justin turned and considered the man.

“Why didn’t come after me? You had to know I was at Daphne’s. Why didn’t you tell me this?” Brian looked up staring at his ex-lover.

“What would I have said Justin?” Brian asked
sincerely. “What would you have believed? Would you even have listened to me, or would you have just called me a liar and slammed the door in my face?”

“What the fuck does it matter now anyway.” Justin admitted not knowing the answer himself. He turned back to the window. “It’s all history. It feels so far away.” Justin spoke trying to convince himself, when in all honesty it was as if in that moment no time had passed at all. He was after all in the loft with both Brian and the ring once more. He suddenly remembered something he’d heard about life being cyclical and history repeating itself.

He turned and met Brian’s gaze. “I’ve tried not to think about that night for so long. I picked it apart at first looking for the reason why you’d reacted as you did. Why you rejected me again.” He swallowed before continuing. “I blamed myself for wanting too much. I kept thinking maybe if I hadn’t used the ‘m’ word, maybe we could have just continued on with an--”

“undefined, non-conventional commitment to each other?” Brian finished for him.

“Yeah.” Justin admitted. “But then I realized that I couldn’t sell out what I really wanted in order to keep you. I’d made far too many compromises already.” He turned and stared out the window once more. When he began speaking again his voice sounded young and distant. “I wanted to be married to you. I wanted that commitment, a pledge. I wanted what everyone else in this fucking country can have. I wanted to be connected to you, to the person I loved, on every level.” Justin rolled his lips into his mouth hating how empty he felt.

Brian was struck by the sorrow and longing he heard in Justin’s voice. He knew that they were getting to the truth of it now and as painful as it was, it gave him a strange sense of hope. Brian pressed his lips together unsure of what to say.

“Justin.” Brian rose. “You know me. You know me better than anyone really.” He moved up to stand behind the man. “Surely you knew.” He offered. Justin shook his head then sighed, leaning forward so that his forehead could rest against the cool glass of the window, closing his eyes against all of the things that he wished he’d known. “Justin.” Brian’s voice was soft like a prayer asking for something that he somehow knew he had very little chance of receiving, forgiveness.

“Why did you keep it?” Justin mumbled his head still lowered.

“Because you made it for me. Because it reminded me each day that someone loved me. That you loved me.” Brian offered sincerely. “Because holding that ring and that sketch pad,” He huffed a soft laugh but there was no humor in it, “Holding those two objects somehow made me realize that you had been real, your love had been real.” Brian thought of all the nights he’d spent sitting staring out the very window Justin was leaning against at the moment. He had stood for hours holding the ring box or sketch pad lost in all the endless what ifs of his life.

“Michael loves you.” Justin offered. Brian smirked, the old rivalry always showing through whenever Michael or Justin spoke of the other. Some things never died.

“Not like you do.” Brian replied going further than he’d ever gone before. “Not enough to sit for days on end in order to create a ring that would mean something only to me.” Justin glanced back. “Yeah, I looked at it. I know what you were doing. You were trying to make something that symbolized us. It was you once again giving me exactly what you thought I needed. A ring that seemed to say we were nothing on the outside but inside we were clearly more, much much more.” He admitted. “But the ring isn’t us.” Justin furrowed his brow at the older man’s words. Brian cupped the younger man’s face. “It’s you.” He offered the blond a small smile. “It’s bright, fragile but strong, complex, and beautiful. It’s you Justin and that’s why I kept it.” Justin felt the lump in his throat. He closed his eyes and swallowed. When he opened his eyes once more there were unshed tears shining from their depths. Brian knew that they mirrored his own and he allowed himself a moment of relief realizing he’d finally gotten it right.

“Brian.” Justin’s voice was a mere whisper as he raised his hand to the other man’s jaw gently tracing the line down to the man’s lips. He gazed into deep hazel eyes. It would be so easy to bask in the words he’d wanted to hear for so long. He felt them pulling him in, his heart longing to be connected once more to Brian, to have those private moments of laughter, reason and passion, but it was too late. Those days were gone. Their chance had come and gone. They were no longer building a life but instead were merely playing in the ashes. Justin knew this but sensed that Brian had yet to realize it.

“I’m sorry Justin.” Brian admitted. “I don’t say it often but I’m so fucking sorry.” Justin merely nodded knowing his own regret and anguish was reflected in these dark hazel eyes. Justin leaned up and kissed Brian’s lips, softly, tenderly. It was a kiss of forgiveness and Brian knew it. He reached for slim blond and pulled him into his arms holding him firmly against his own body as he deepened the kiss conveying his gratitude and need.
When they parted Justin offered Brian a weary smile. “I’m glad you told me.” He admitted. Brian smirked then nodded.

“All that time you were in Paris, I was missing you.” Brian admitted.

“I missed you too.” Justin conceded. Something flickered in his eyes for a split second before it was quickly hidden away once more behind a self erected wall of protection. Brian let it go for the moment. They were dealing with enough at the moment.

“So where do we go from here?” Brian asked. “And don’t give me that contrition shit.”

“It’s not shit.” Justin pulled away.

“So you’re punishing yourself.” Brian announced his distain evident. He felt a sense of desperation crawling up his spine, as he watched the one thing he wanted more than anything else in his life slowing slipping through his fingers again. He felt powerless to stop it.

“I can’t explain it.” Justin offered sincerely knowing that even if he tried to explain that Brian would never understand.

”Try.” Brian gently demanded.

“Too much has happened.” Justin sighed biting his bottom lip.

“Bullshit!” Brian demanded fighting for what he wanted.

“Andrew’s dead Brian. He’s dead.” Justin began shaking his head unable to explain, how even now it was hard to say those words. “Ever watched someone you love die?” Brian didn’t reply. “It changes you. It changed me.” The resignation in Justin’s voice deepened Brian’s concern. “How can I possibly justify being here, laughing, smiling, working, living………loving, when he’s dead?”

“It’s called going on with your life Sunshine, and everyone who has ever lost someone that they love has had to do it.” Brian justified. He had to find a way to help Justin get passed this overriding guilt if there was to be any chance at all for the two of them to have a future together.

“Well I can’t.” Justin affirmed, resenting how easy Brian made it sound.

“Justin.” Brian began but the smaller man cut him off.

“You don’t understand. You don’t know--” Justin stopped choked off by a sob rising up out of his pain.

“I would if you would just fucking tell me what happened.” Brian reached out his hands on both of the man’s arms, holding him firmly, his eyes boring into the blond.

“I did tell you--” Justin offered.

“No, you gave me the grieving widower’s story. There’s more to this. Why won’t you tell me? This isn’t just about feeling guilty because someone is dead. You feel responsible somehow, but why Justin? Why?” Brian pleaded.

“I have to go.” Justin reluctantly shrugged off the older man’s hands then moved quickly to the door distancing himself from Brian. Brian stood shell shocked. He’d said it all and in the end it hadn’t made any fucking difference. He was still locked outside with no way back into Justin’s life.

“Fuck.” Justin spat as he pulled the door back. He sighed then turned back to gaze at Brian. The older man still had his back to the blond trying to process all that had just happened. “You’ll have to give me a ride.” Justin reluctantly admitted.

“Stay.” Brian offered feeling vulnerable after his confession needing Justin to stay and reaffirm that Brian was safe and that there was still hope.

“I can’t.” Justin replied.

“Stay with me.” Brian spoke a little louder turning to meet Justin’s gaze. It was what he should have said years back when Justin had been involved with Ethan. He’d refused to do it then but he was saying it now, not once but twice. Justin paused wanting nothing more than to take Brian up on his offer, but knowing that he couldn’t. All these words coming now when it was too late for Justin to use or enjoy them, God obviously had a sense of irony.

“I’ll call a cab.” Justin resolved as he moved to the phone fully intending to do just that.

“Fuck!” Brian spat. “Fine. I’ll drive you home.” He moved away from the window and grabbed his keys off of the counter. Justin didn’t allow Brian’s anger to impact him. He didn’t dare allow himself that luxury. It was time to turn off and he’d gotten very good at that over the last year. “Let’s go.” Brian stormed past him to the door. “Let’s get you home so you can drape yourself in sack cloth and ashes.” Brian was frustrated and it showed.

Justin wondered if Brian realized yet that they’d been surrounded by ashes all night. Now it was time to accept that some decisions couldn’t be taken back no matter how much regret surrounded them.

“Brian,” He paused as he moved past the man waiting for him at the door. “If you knew what I’d done, how weak I was, what I let happen….” Justin hesitated obviously struggling to reign in harried emotions. “It’s better this way.” He finally resolved.

“For who Sunshine?” Brian acrimoniously snapped. “You? Andy? Because it sure as hell isn’t better for me, so don’t try to sell me the old ‘this is for your own good’ bullshit. I’m not buying it.” Justin accepted Brian’s anger and frustration throwing them up on the pile of other emotions locked away inside of him.

Brian drove in silence as the cold night pressed in around them. He pulled up in front of Jennifer Taylor’s condo. He kept his gaze straight ahead as Justin opened the car door.

“Justin.” Brian called just as the man was about to get out. Justin paused waiting to hear what parting jab the man had to offer. Brian continued to stare straight ahead. “I’m on to you.” Brian’s voice was soft and low but at the same time filled with certainty.

Justin felt his breath catch as Brian turned and met his gaze. It was all there in Brian’s eyes. He knew even if he didn’t know the details. Justin felt a panic he hadn’t felt since he’s left Paris. He quickly exited the car and hurried into his mother’s house.