Whisper Back Your Love by Galesgal
Summary:

An Alternate Season Three.  A way that Brian and Justin could have gotten back together.  With a little pain and secrets bring a lot of love.


Categories: QAF-U.S. FICTION, Alternate Universe, Brian/Justin, Canon, Could be Canon, Hurt/Comfort Characters: None
Challenges: None
Series: None
Chapters: 18 Completed: Yes Word count: 42050 Read: 112305 Published: August 14, 2008 Updated: October 30, 2016

1. It's Done by Galesgal

2. The Search is On by Galesgal

3. Discoveries by Galesgal

4. What We Need by Galesgal

5. A New Arrival by Galesgal

6. Freaking Out by Galesgal

7. Being Normal by Galesgal

8. The Dinner from Hell by Galesgal

9. Get A Grip by Galesgal

10. Let Go by Galesgal

11. Secrets Revealed by Galesgal

12. Secrets and Allegations by Galesgal

13. The Awakening by Galesgal

14. A Quick Update by Galesgal

15. Stunned by Galesgal

16. Samson by Galesgal

17. The End? by Galesgal

18. Speechless by Galesgal

It's Done by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
This chapter is not NC 17 later chapters will be though.

Chapter 1

He had done it. Everyone saw what they needed to see. It was perfect, too bad he didn’t think that it would hurt this much. Justin was still a child - that was something that I need to keep telling myself. He’s a child and he doesn’t know any better. Sure, the whole Ethan thing had upset me and I was willing to maybe try and give him what he wanted, what he needed, if only for one night. Then this shit had to happen. Who do I blame? I blame God, my mother but most of all I blame Jack. Fuck you Jack. You sick son of a bitch! He turned around to see if Michael had followed him out. He hadn’t so he picked up his cell phone and dialed a number. When the person he wanted answered he whispered that it was done and she said she’d be right there.

Everyone at the Rage party was pretty much still in shock. No one could believe what they had just seen. Justin had left Brian. Dumped him - in front of their closest family and friends. That was the worst thing anyone could do. The hurt on Brian’s face was right there for everyone to see. Brian did his "walk of shame" with some stud in the corner. Then he walked out to the backroom, probably to go get his needs met but no one expected what happened next.

Justin ran back in, looking frazzled. Where is he? I can’t fucking find him. Where the fuck is he?

"Justin what are you doing back here? Didn’t you get what you wanted? You embarrassed Brian in front of everyone and you left with the fiddler so what the fuck do you want now?"

"Shut up Michael! When I went outside to leave there was a note on Ethan’s car."

"What kind of note? A note for me from Brian."

"What kind of note, Sunshine? What’s going on?"

"Something’s wrong. I need to find him. You don’t care about him, you little shit. He organised this party for us and you just threw him away.

"Michael, it wasn’t like that. I told him all he had to do was tell me that he wanted me to stay, or say that he loved me and none of this would have mattered. I gave him the chance and he didn’t even take it. All he said was that there were no locks on the door and if I was looking for romance I was barking up the wrong tree.

Everyone stood there looking at Justin. His eyes were huge. He was seconds away from having a panic attack. Ethan stood close by but every time he tried to touch him Justin would pull away from him and tell him to "get the fuck off." Debbie had never seen him like this and she was the first to speak.

"Sunshine, what did the note say?"

"It said…….. I mean, it’s for me and well something’s wrong! We have to find him like now!

"Where’s this note that has you so upset, Justin"

"Here!" Justin shoved the note at Michael and flew from the nightclub.

Everyone looked at Michael as he read the note. He wouldn’t read it out loud and that’s what had everyone scared the most. His eyes were wild, wilder than Justin’s and he was crying.

"Michael?’

"Fuck, I gotta find Justin."

Everyone watched as he ran from the club and the note fell to the floor. Everyone saw it and couldn’t believe their eyes. Lindsay began to cry and Melanie comforted her, even Ted couldn’t keep the tears at bay. The only people who had smiles on their faces were Jennifer and Debbie because they had known all along. On the floor was a single slip of paper with one line that simply read: "I love you, you little twat."

Brian’s throat felt like someone had did their best to choke him with their ten-inch dick and when he opened his eyes to the whiteness of the room it hurt. It hurt a lot. The drugs were willing him to sleep but he didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to feel everything that was happening. He could relax now. They’d given him something to make him relax. He would’ve been frightened but he looked to his left and she was there. The one person he told. She was there and he was grateful. They removed his clothes and put them in a bag in the small closet in the room. They helped him slip on his grey sweatpants and white wife-beater. They smiled and asked was there anything that he needed and he didn’t speak he just nodded "no" and then he and his visitor were alone. She looked at him and he rolled over and pulled back his covers. She knew exactly what that meant.

She got up from the small chair that she sat in and climbed onto the bed with him. When she looked in his eyes she saw them - the tears that he was fighting not to let fall. She kissed him on the forehead and whispered that she loved him in his ear and he relaxed against her.

"It’s going to be all right, you know. You’re ‘Brian Fucking Kinney’ and if anyone can beat this, it’s you. You don’t have to worry. I have the next six months clear. The kids are with their father and don’t worry about your mother. I’ll keep her away. If you want to cry it’s fine. Crying doesn’t make you weak Brian. It’s only made you stronger. That’s the one thing I’ve hated the most about you is how strong you are.

"What? You weren’t jealous that I’m this gorgeous?"

Good to see that your sense of humour is still intact. Now no one will look for you here and Cynthia will bring your work tomorrow. We have a whole week before the procedure is done.

"Hey, don’t hold me so tight. I’m not going anywhere. Do you remember when I was eight?

"Yeah, you fell down the stairs. You were in the hospital for a week. I wasn’t supposed to come here but I was twelve and every day when Jack wasn’t looking I’d ride my bike here to see you. The nurses always wondered why your parents never came to see you but I did. I crawled into bed with you just like this and I pushed your hair back just like this and kissed your cheek just like this.

She was being so nice and a part of it made Brian sick to his stomach but when times were really shitty he knew he could count on her. She was a difficult bitch but she always took care of him when he was wounded. He thought about Justin and what reading that little note must’ve done to him, and he couldn’t hold onto it any longer. He let go. The sedative was finally putting him under and he knew that he was safe in her arms. He cried. He cried for Mikey, for Justin and most of all he cried for Gus. He really did love that kid.

"It’s going to be fine Brian. I’m here and I’m going keep you safe. I’m glad you called. I’m glad that you realized that I’m here for you. You protected me when we were younger.

"I don’t wanna die, Claire. I don’t wanna die!"

Claire bit the inside of her lip, trying not to break down. She couldn’t do it, not now, not ever. She had to be the strong one. Brian had taken so many beatings that were because of her. She would do stuff and soon as her father figured out who it was, Brian would take the blame for her. For a while she would do it just to make her father pick on Brian. Then it happened. She had left her roller skate on the stairs and their father had fallen on it and rolled down the steps because he was drunk. When he opened his eyes he was face-to-face with Brian’s skates, hers had rolled under the water heater and he never saw it. So he assumed it was Brian’s. He taught him a lesson of what can happen when you leave things on the stairs by throwing Brian down them. He had a concussion and a broken leg. No one went to the hospital. The nurse called that night and said he cried all night long. Mom attempted to go but dad asked where the fuck was she going and she sat back down. She got a glass of Sherry and pretended nothing happened. I was twelve and we were in a pretty safe neighborhood and I knew exactly where the hospital was. I waited for both of them to fall asleep and I rode my bike to the hospital so Brian would have someone in the room with him. He made me go back before dad found out but I came back the next day. He needed me.

Now he was sick and not just a cold or the flu. He had well…. she couldn’t even bring herself to say what. When all of this was over Brian would never be the same. He could probably lose his job. She just couldn’t let that happen. She was a nurse. She could take care of Brian and keep him safe. He cried all night and she stayed there holding him. She’d protect him. Not just because she literally owed him her career and her life but because he was her brother and even if no one else knew it she loved him.

The Search is On by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
Okay this chapter is a little NC 18 because well things get a little steamy

Claire felt him drifting off and she eased herself from the bed. She could already hear that little wheeze from his deviated septum. He was going to be fine. She would be here today and probably tomorrow but then Justin would be the one getting the updates. She had given him clues - all he had to do was follow them. He’d be there soon. She thought about how she got there. She needed a smoke. She looked to her left and was shocked to find Brian awake and looking at her.

"You really should let the meds work."

Brian nodded "no."

"Listen. There’s something I need to tell you. I know that you didn’t want me to tell him and I didn’t but I left a note and it’s only a matter of time before he figures it out and he comes here."

Claire couldn’t believe she had gotten it all out in one breath but she looked at Brian and he was panicking. He was getting up. She jumped to her feet to force him back down but was caught off guard when the door flew open.

They both were frozen when they came face to face with one pissed-off Justin Taylor.

"Save it Claire!" Justin said. "I would like to thank you for leaving me the clue to figure out where this jackass had run off to but I have it covered. You can leave now. I’ll call you after he and I have a chance to talk."

"Well. It might be kind of hard to get anything out of him. He’s been given something for the pain but he’s fighting the effects.

"We’ll be fine. I’ll call you later."

Okay, Justin. I knew that you needed to be here and no matter what he does or says he wanted you here."

"I know. Thanks for keeping him safe." Justin watched Claire leave and then he approached the bed.

"I don’t want you to say anything. How could you do that? You planned this huge event and you knew that I was trying to make the decision. The decision that would change my life and you made me choose him. Everyone told me you were looking for me and then I went looking for you. Where do I find you? In the backroom with your dick shoved up someone’s ass! You knew that would affect me. You knew that I would run to him. Once again I let you shove me off a cliff. Then I leave because I think it’s what you want and I find that stupid note on Ethan’s car. Why didn’t you tell me? What’s wrong? Are you going to just lay there and not say anything? Fine, don’t say a word just feel this.

Brian didn’t know what to think. His mind was full of all kinds of thoughts and he just couldn’t find any words but Justin understood. He knew that. Justin took off his clothes and crawled on top of me.

"Justin I..I…."

"No talking."

Justin devoured Brian’s mouth. He didn’t know exactly what was going on but he could see it. Brian needed this and so did he. He needed to feel Brian. He kissed down his neck, right on the spot he knew Brian loved. He got a weird noise from Brian - sort of a garbled gasp, not his usual moan. He kissed down the center of Brian’s chest and took one of his nipples in his mouth and gave it a little pull between his teeth. He thought Brian would leap from the bed. He was straddling Brian. He could feel his cock getting harder and harder. He continued kissing him until he got to his belly button. He dipped his tongue inside and there was that weird sound again.

"Brian?" He looked into Brian’s eyes. They begged him to continue but there were no words. Brian wasn’t talking.

Brian’s body was on fire. It was like Justin knew how to touch him. He knew his body unlike any other and Brian knew that he should be pushing him away. He should be telling him so many things. That was the problem, the telling. He couldn’t tell him why he was there in that clinic. He wanted him to be there but he couldn’t tell him that either. He would just enjoy this for the moment and when it was all over he would send him on his way. It was for the best but he needed this. He looked down at the face smiling at him and then Justin took his entire length in his mouth. His knees felt weak. He could feel it coming. Justin knew what he was doing. He was going to cum. He was going to cum for Justin.

Justin looked up. He knew that look. Brian’s eyes had glazed over as he continued to lick down the vein of his cock and massage his balls with his other hand. He knew he was close but this was not what he wanted. He was going to make Brian cum but not until he was deep, deep inside of him. Then Brian threw his head back and did his best to lift his body from the bed to shove his warm cock deeper down Justin’s eager throat. Justin took two fingers and pushed them into Brian’s tight channel and began to scissor him open.

Brian was shocked by the bold move Justin had just taken. It caught him off-guard. It was so totally unexpected. The truth was that he had let Justin top him three times since the night he and Mikey were arrested but it wasn’t something that he was going to let him do often. Then it dawned on him that this would be the last time they would be together so he let it happen. He wanted it to happen. He did his best to fuck himself on Justin’s fingers, just hoping that he would remove them soon and give him what he wanted, what he needed? He needed Justin’s cock. He wanted Justin’s cock deep inside him.

Justin’s emotions were getting the better of him. Something was seriously wrong. He knew that Brian loved sex but he barely said a word during all of this. What most people didn’t know was that Brian was very verbal during sex. When he was really enjoying himself he’d groan and sometimes even moan Justin’s name but this was weird. Lots of garbled sounds and soft moans. It made this seem more intense, and then he would pause and look into Brian’s eyes and see that the need was there. He needed this.

Justin grabbed the inner sides of Brian’s thighs and brought his hole up close to him so he could taste him. Brian was very compliant in maneuvering his body so that he had access to his hole. Justin slowly stuck his tongue inside and began to fuck Brian’s tight hole with his tongue. He finally got what he wanted. Brian let out that oh so familiar gasp and his eyes shot open. Justin rolled his tongue around and he could feel his channel getting looser and looser. He pulled out and Brian’s hole winked at him, begging for his cock. It was time he gave it what it wanted.

Brian could barely hold on. His cock was hard lying against his stomach from where Justin had abandoned it. It was leaking precum and making a small puddle on his chest. Justin swooped down on Brian’s mouth and kissed him deeply. Brian could taste his juices and he liked it.

Justin looked deep into his eyes and asked him "What do you want?"

Brian could barely fight the lump in his throat but he whispered, "I want you inside me…Now!"

That was all Justin needed. He spread Brian’s legs as wide as he could and he lined his dick up with Brian’s entrance. He looked him deeply in the eyes and asked, "Are you ready?"

Brian said "Yes" and he entered him. Brian let out a loud moan and Justin knew he’d hit the spot right on the first try. He put his hands on either one of Brian’s shoulders to use them as leverage to continue ramming in and out of Brian.

Brian couldn’t contain himself. He uttered sounds that he didn’t even think he was capable of. He wrapped his legs around Justin’s waist to force him in deeper and his arms around him tighter. He wanted Justin to use him up. He felt his balls tighten and before he knew it, his seed had spilled between the two of them. When he finally came, he came buckets between the two of them. His body relaxed and he could finally feel the sedative taking effect and for the first time he didn’t care. He needed his rest after that. He would let Justin stay the night. He’d wait for the morning to kick the boy out.

Justin quickly cleaned off both of them and got rid of the condom. He looked at Brian and Brian didn’t say a word.

"Brian?" He opened his mouth to speak but then he closed it again.

"It’s fine Brian. You can tell me in the morning. You just rest now. Don’t worry about a thing. I know. You’ve already told me.

Brian could feel himself drifting off but Justin was talking and he was trying to hear what he had said. "What did you say Justin?"

Justin looked him deeply in the eyes and said "I said. Do you know what happens now?"

"No. Justin, what? You die!"

"What?" Brian could feel the panic coming back. Then Justin sprung to life and wrapped both of his hands around his neck.

"Justin? Please, what are you doing?" Brian could feel the life slipping from his body and Justin’s grip getting tighter and tighter around his neck. Just then his hospital room door burst open and Ethan came in with his fiddle, playing some kind of death tome. The walls of the room faded away and Justin was still choking the life out of Brian as he fought his hardest to get him off but he couldn’t. The disease was making him too weak. He looked into Justin eyes but it was no longer Justin. It was his father. Jack had him in a death grip

They were no longer in the hospital. They were in a cemetery. At a grave site. All of Brian’s closest family and friends were there weeping and crying for Brian and he could see them all as they lowered him into the ground.

"Let me go, Jack!"

"Don’t fight it, Sonnyboy! You were never meant to be a family man.

Brian looked to his left and watched his body being lowered into the ground but there was something weird. He could hear pounding from inside the casket! He wasn’t dead. He was alive inside….nooooo!

Claire was jolted from her sleep by Brian’s hand slapping her in the face. What the fuck? It took her minute to realize what had happened? She had fallen asleep holding on to Brian. He was having some kind of nightmare.

"Brian. Wake up! He was in a deep sleep because of the sedative. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. Spit dribbled from the side of his mouth and she realized he was having trouble swallowing. He began to choke on his own saliva. She grabbed suction from over the bed and cleared his mouth. She did her best to shake him awake but he was thrashing and then his eyes shot open.

"Brian?" She turned him on his side and he looked at her like he was about to speak but his face crumbled. His eyes begin to roll back into his sockets and she had to hold him down as he went into a seizure. "Brian!" She held him down with one hand the best she could and with the other one she pressed the call button on the side of the bed.

"I need some help in here right fucking now!"

Michael walked into the loft to see stuff being thrown all around.

"Justin, what’s going on?"

"Look at this place. It’s a mess. He took all his clothes. He left me this." Justin handed Michael the Deed to the loft. It had been turned over to Justin.

"He fucking left you the loft?"

"Yeah, and the jeep. There’s a fucking Life Insurance Policy. There’s actually two - each for a million dollars. I’m the beneficiary of one and Gus is of the other. He fucking left a letter and a whole bunch of shit I can’t understand.

"Justin, the thing to do now is not panic."

"Not panic, not panic. Are you fucking mad! He’s somewhere dying. I know it. I can feel it my bones Michael. He’s your best friend. Tell me you don’t feel it."

"I feel it, Justin. I know that something is wrong. What we have to do is calm down and find him. I’ve searched everywhere I can possibly think of and I can’t find him. There’s no clue.

"He’s fucking paid up the next two semesters at PIFA."

"Hey, look! There’s a message on the answering machine.

Justin and Michael walked over to the answering machine that was blinking, indicating there was a message. They waited and heard the familiar voice of Cynthia come on the line. She said she had the stuff and would be leaving after she checked in to the office. They knew she was the person to get in touch with.

"We can’t go to her now Justin. It’s almost four in the morning. She probably just managed to get to sleep after the party."

"Fine, but we go first thing in the morning."

"I’ll go home and tell Ben to pack a few things because tomorrow the search is on."

Discoveries by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
I've decided you've waited long enough.  This is a pretty good chapter and finally you learn what's wrong with Brian.

That was one hell of a party. Don’t you think?"

"Yeah, but do you believe that note? What do you make of it?"

"Lindsay. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.

"It was a great party, though. Right? I mean - up until the end."

"Yeah. I guess. Do you think anyone noticed?"

"What? That you were in a bar and didn’t get drunk?"

"Yeah. Mel, I want to tell everyone but I know how you want to make it through your first trimester before we tell anyone. But won’t they be surprised when we tell them that we’re having another baby?"

"Yeah. I know Deb is going to smother me when she finds out that her Little Mikey is going to be a dad. Hey. What’s that?

Lindsay looked at the little book that sat neatly on the dining room table.

"Has someone been in here, Lindsay? I didn’t see that the alarmed tripped.

"Who else has a key?"

"I gave Justin and Brian a key."

"What?"

"In case…. I don’t know – just in case Brian took us up on one of those times to stay with Gus."

"Yeah. Right. Maybe, if nothing came up."

"Melanie. Enough!"

"After what you just saw there’s no way that you can’t see what I see in Brian."

"Okay. The suspense is killing me. What is it?"

"It’s a bank book, Melanie."

"Whose bank book?"

"It’s an account set up in my name as well as Brian’s. There’s a note."

"What does it say?"

‘For Gus.’ Melanie looked over Lindsay’s shoulder and felt light-headed when she looked at the amount of money in the account.

"Melanie. What do you think this means?"

"Son of a bitch!"

Claire was pissed. It had been forever since they pushed her out of Brian’s room. It was early morning, six maybe seven. He needed her. She knew he was scared and truth be told she was scared too. She never thought that she’d be here like this. It made her wonder exactly when and how she came to be here in the first place:

"Claire was furious when she entered Brian’s loft. He thought he was so clever. She told him that if he didn’t deal with their mother then she would give her to him full-time. And what does he do? He lets her see him fucking Justin. Oh, he thinks he’s clever. Now she wants nothing to do with him and I’ve gotta be stuck with her forever…Hell no!

Claire slides back the door to the loft and using all her weight she pushes it hard on its’ tracks to make sure it slams! She wants her little brother to see how pissed she is and she is pissed. First thing that she finds odd about being in the loft is that it’s completely dark except for one spotlight. She expected the blue lights to be on over the bed and that she would catch her brother in mid-fuck but nope, even those lights were off. There was a small lamp on by the white couch but it was empty. There was a small blanket on it like someone had been lying there. That made a cold chill run through her veins. Brian! She could’ve sworn she heard something. Brian! She realized then that she was still pretty much frozen in the doorway. She ran around the corner and tripped over something. But what the fuck was it?

She looked down and it was Brian. He was completely naked, lying in the middle of his living room floor.

"Brian. What are you on?"

" Wha…Juss…you were with your motha…sleep now."

" Brian wake up! Look at me. Do you see me? Who am I? What did you take?

" I didn’t take nothi…" and then he began to cough. Coughs that shook his whole body and then she saw it - the blood. He coughed up blood.

"Brian! Brian!" He had lost consciousness.

Claire was brought back to reality by the doctor approaching her.

"Dr Stevens. Is he all right?"

"Yes, he’s fine. Apparently he’s allergic to the medication that we gave him to remove the drugs from his system. So he asked to be taken off them.

"Is that a good idea?"

"Well. We were going to do the chemical detox to quickly remove all the drugs from his system before the procedure. Are you sure this is the safest place for Mr Kinney? We’re a rehab facility not a hospital."

"You listen to me. He is not ready for the hospital. This is a rehab facility.

"It’s practically a hospital and because of him you are in business. So you are going to help him. Now tell me what just happened and what I can expect."

"Well. He went into a seizure because of an allergic reaction to the medication but now he’s going "cold turkey" so his withdrawals are going to be far worse and that’s why we ask that you stay in another room and not in the room with him. That’s why we’ve restrained him to the bed."

"What?"

"Ms. Kinney. Mrs Anders is my name. Ms Kinney. Your brother will turn on you once he can’t get a drink or something to snort up his noise and we don’t want him to turn violent against you. He’s sick. You know that."

"He barely made it here. I had to sedate him in the car. He gets panicky around hospitals and I will not leave him alone!"

Claire went around the corner and entered Brian’s room. He was sweating badly and trying to speak but all he could do was whisper.

"Get me out of these, Claire! You sick fucks!" Claire removed the restraints that bound Brian’s wrists and ankles. She whispered soothing words to him and he instantly calmed down. He closed his eyes and just from the touch of him she knew he was all right - at least for now. God! This was only day one. Justin had to find them. He needed to find them fast.

"Why aren’t you saying anything?"

"I’m thinking. This is how I think."

"Where’d you get this truck from? And why didn’t you just drive the jeep."

A - this is Daphne’s father’s jeep. All I had to do was ask and the keys were in my hands in minutes. Cynthia would have recognized the jeep. Everyone knows Brian’s jeep. We can’t follow someone if they know you’re following them."

"And B?"

"B?"

"You said A. That’s usually followed by a B?"

"Oh. And B. Don’t worry about this. I know what I’m doing. I used to follow Brian around all the time."

"Yeah. Until you got bored and moved on to the fiddler fuck."

"Michael!"

"What? Are we just supposed to pretend that you didn’t do that? That I didn’t see you practically swallowing his tongue."

"We’re supposed to forget about all of that and try to figure out what’s wrong with Brian? That’s my main concern now. So if you don’t want to be shoved into the traffic you will shut your whiney trap, because I didn’t do anything to you. I did it to Brian. That’s a discussion that he and I will have so it’s none of your fucking business."

"Fine."

"Jesus. What time is it?"

"It’s about 9:30."

"How long do you think she’s going to stay in there?"

"I don’t know but it’s making me nervous, just sitting here."

"Are you serious?" Gardner asked.

"Yes. I’m serious, and if you don’t agree then he will have you prosecuted."

"What do you know about advertising?"

"I know just as much as Brian. He and I went to College together. I have a Marketing Degree."

"I choose to be his assistant because he believes in me and until he’s better I will be taking over his accounts."

"So, is he really?"

"I mean, did he go to ‘Happy Springs’?"

"Yes. They’re helping him get the drugs out of his system so at least the withdrawal won’t be a problem with his recovery. I couldn’t believe it. First of all that he would tell me and secondly that, well he was going to do something about it. Brian’s life has changed a lot lately. I think that he’s finally decided that he has something to live for. I had better go. He is probably wondering where I am."

"Tell him. Tell him not to worry about his job, Cynthia. It’s waiting for him when he returns."

"I’m sure he’ll appreciate that, Gardner. I had better go."

Cancer. It was easy for Brian to say it in his mind because he couldn’t say it out loud. He literally couldn’t say it out loud. That’s what it was - cancer of the mouth. Throat Cancer. It’s the kind of Cancer that normally people in their fifties contract. The number one cause of it is excessive drinking and smoking. He had been smoking since he was fourteen and drinking since, well he couldn’t remember the first time he had taken a drink and now he had this thing on his vocal chords. They caught it in time, they say. They don’t have to remove the windpipe, they say. You won’t have a permanent stoma. God! Just the thought of a hideous hole in my throat and having to talk through one of those electronic voice boxes make me want to vomit. No. None of that. They remove my left vocal chord and replace it with an artificial one. Then I’ll have to learn to talk again, if I can even speak when this is over. I did the right thing. Justin doesn’t need me. No one needs me.

What We Need by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
Finally Brian and Justin are together.  Will it be Happen reunion.  Get ready to pull out your hankies for this chapter i was going for the kill.  I want tears.  Also i love feedback.
 

"We don’t need this!"

"What?"

"He just barges into our house in the middle of the night. We don’t need this, Lindz. What is he implying? I told him from the first night that I didn’t want nor need his money. I can take care of you and Gus, and this baby. I don’t need Brian Kinney’s money! We don’t need a dime from him."

"Wait a minute! You’re pissed because he came in here in the middle of the night and left this gift. Am I hearing you correctly?"

"Yes. And when you see him you need to get the key back."

"Melanie. I know that you and he have had problems and that for some reason you refuse to see the caring man that I see."

"Caring?"

"Yes, caring. He gave us Gus. He didn’t have to, you know and I know a part of him didn’t want to but he’s so afraid that he’s going to be Jack. If you would just see past what he lets you see, then you would understand."

"Understand what?"

"That he gave up his son."

"If it came down to getting his dick sucked or parent/teacher night, well then, we know what comes first. Brian Kinney always gets his needs met."

"Melanie. How exactly did he get his needs met tonight? He threw that huge party for Michael and Justin and then had his heart cut out and trampled on. Didn’t you see his face? I know you saw it.

"Where are you going?"

"I’m going downstairs. You should have the bed because you’re pregnant but I-well I can’t be here with you right now."

 

 

"Am I reading that sign correctly? "Happy Springs Rehabilitation Clinic?" That’s what the sign says."

"Michael. I can read."

"Why would Brian be here?"

"Why?"

"You have met Brian. Right? I mean, he drinks like a fish and snorts so much shit up his nose I’m amazed at how highly functional he really is.

"Yeah, I know Justin but this, this is where sick people go after they’ve gambled away all their money or their wives have left them."

"Oh?"

"Don’t look at me like that, Michael. Brian never looked at me as his "wife" and I didn’t leave him. I was pushed away. Hell, up until last night I never thought he saw me as anything more than a convenient fuck.

"You ungrateful asshole!"

"Excuse me?"

"You say that he never did this and he never did that, but he showed up at your prom. He watched you get hit in the head with a baseball bat and when I went to the hospital he was covered in your blood - clinging to that fucking scarf that I later found out he was still wearing well after you were released from the hospital. He was distraught. He was hurt because someone hurt his precious Sunshine. Things would’ve been a lot better if he would’ve just left your ungrateful ass lying there!"

"What?"

"You heard what I said and I’m not taking it back. Someone should’ve said it long ago."

"I’m going inside here and when I come back make sure you’re gone."

"Excuse me?"

Be gone. I’m coming outta here with Brian and when we come out we don’t have time for you and your petty jealousy."

"I have no reason to be jealous of you and Brian. He’s my best friend."

"You’re right. He is your best friend and he will always be your best friend."

"Exactly. So, why would I be jealous?"

"Because you’ve been following him around for fifteen years waiting for him to fuck you and it only took me fifteen minutes! Be gone when I get back."

 

 

Cynthia couldn’t take it. She was about to break. She was happy when Claire edged her into the hallway.

"Pull yourself together, Cyn or he won’t let you back in. How could something like this happen and I not notice? I was with him all day yesterday. He seemed well. We were all at that party and he was his normal, charming self."

"This is Brian. He’s been taught to put up a façade. He’s the only kid I know who played a full soccer game with four broken ribs without letting anyone know."

"Jesus, Claire. He’s so weak-looking. One more minute in there and I was going to crack. He acts as if he’s dead. Are they optimistic?"

"Oh. Brian’s chances are good. He’ll have surgery and radiation, maybe some chemo if that doesn’t work and then recovery, but that’s not what’s getting to him."

"Justin?"

"Yeah."

"So, did you leave the clue? I gave you the brochure to this place so you could slip it in his bag at the club."

"No. I didn’t do it. I got distracted. I was trying to put on a happy face all night during that thing and I forgot my only job."

"Jesus, Cyn. My brother is about to have major surgery and he won’t ask but you know he needs Justin and your only job---"

"Don’t worry. I left a message on the machine."

"What good will that do?"

"Justin is resourceful. He probably followed me all the way here. Back in the beginning of their "relationship" Brian would tell me that Justin was everywhere he turned."

"Good. Are you ready to go back in?"

"I can’t. Tell him I got called away. I’ll come back once Justin arrives. I just can’t stand to see him that way."

"It’s fine, Cynthia. He understands."

"Claire. I just wanna say that I’m sorry."

"It’s fine. Brian and I have problems - a lot of problems, but this is different. This is about need. He needs someone and I know that he doesn’t want it to be me but it will have to be."

"Keep me posted."

JUSTIN POV

Justin didn’t know if he would make it to the bathroom before he lost all the contents of his stomach. Cancer. His mother always told him that eavesdropping would be the death of him and when he heard what they said he thought he’d die. Was Brian going to die? Brian’s father had cancer. Would it kill him? He couldn’t take this. He rushed from the bathroom and began checking the names on the doors. He had passed over a dozen and no "Brian Kinney" and that’s when he saw it. "Jordan Meyers" - everyone on the planet knew that was the real name of "Captain Astro." It had to be Brian. He looked through the door and he could halfway make out Brian’s sleeping form. He was curled up in a ball. Justin took a few moments to compose himself and he entered the room.

BRIAN POV

Brian was glad that Claire had sent Cynthia away. The two of them were obviously somewhere, talking about him. He could just imagine it. Poor Brian this and poor Brian that. He needed Claire. She had been here all night and all day and not once did she look at him with pity. She looked at him with concern - something that he hadn’t seen in a long time. He had almost forgotten that she did actually know how to love. Love? Love’s bullshit. He bet Justin was somewhere getting his roses and violin music but he couldn’t think about that - not now. He realized that maybe, just maybe, he had a drama queen moment and did a couple of things a bit prematurely. Like sending Lindz the money. But he had to go to the house one more time in case this thing killed him or he was badly disfigured after this and could never show his face again.

He felt his throat and he could feel it. A week ago he couldn’t feel anything. When he told Justin one night that his throat hurt, Justin felt it and told him thought he felt something. He told him he was being silly. That he was fine. That night Justin took care of him like a good wife and the next day all seemed well enough. The day after that he had to work. It was Justin’s birthday and he had made real plans but cancelled them. Then Melanie and Lindz took him to the concert and that’s where everything started to spiral out of control.

Lindsay had told him you should celebrate and be happy and show someone some kind of emotion. Why? He’s been living in my loft since he was a child. I’m paying his medical bills, his school tuition. I’ve even let him top me more than once. How do you tell someone how you feel? I think you say it with a dick up the ass. No one tops Brian Kinney. It hadn’t been done by an actual person since high school and here I am wearing my heart on my sleeve and apparently all of a sudden he’s blind. So I gave him what he wanted. I gave him his way out. Then I told him what he wanted to hear. I wrote it on a note and I told him. So now he can go and be with Ian and I can lie here and die. It’s so fucking hot in here and every part of my body hurts. I must’ve been outta of my mind to think that I could do without a drink. I gotta get out of here.

Brian slid off the edge of the bed and spun himself around towards the door and there, frozen in the doorway were those eyes - those fucking eyes that could melt his poor, cold heart. That’s if he believed in bullshit like that.

MICHAEL POV

Michael walked into Liberty Diner and took a seat in a booth in the back. He couldn’t believe what that little shit had said to him. Be gone. He dismissed me. I had never seen that look before. Everyone thinks that Justin is so timid and fragile and you gotta be delicate with him, but truth be told he’s a pit-bull. He just about tore my head off before he went inside. Brian was in rehab. Brian Kinney was in rehab. How many more times was he going to have to say it before he realized it to be true? Probably not half as many times he would have to say it to believe that Brian Kinney was in love with Justin Taylor. He loved that twink. A long time ago if I was put in that predicament I would think - no way. But now when I think that Brian Kinney is love with Justin Taylor, well, all I can say is….it’s about damn time. Good for them.

Justin didn’t know what to do. He had been trying to get to this very spot for about twelve hours. Now here he stood in a room looking at the man he loved. The one he now finally knew loved him back. Why was he frozen? What did he want to say?

"Brian. I found your note."

"And?"

"And why couldn’t you say it to my face? Why couldn’t you just ask me to stay?"

"Justin. Right now it’s kind of hard to say anything."

"I know. Why didn’t you tell me?

"Because pity makes my dick soft and I couldn’t take you standing there looking at me like you’re looking at me now."

"Stop this!"

"What?"

"It took me all day to find you and now that I’m here you act as if you don’t want me here and I know that’s far from the truth."

"I don’t need you here with your pity or obligation. You don’t owe me shit."

"I owe you everything, Brian. If we weren’t sitting here in this place I would ask you what you were on."

"Excuse me?"

"No. Excuse me Mr Kinney. Have you looked in the mirror? You’re scared shitless. You told me you loved me on a slip of paper and slipped it under a windshield wiper. I’m here standing before you. Why can’t you just fucking tell me what you’re feeling?"

Justin stood there in the doorway waiting. He would admit that he was feeling a little impatient. There were so many different emotions playing across Brian’s face. He saw hurt. He saw sickness but deep down he could see it. He could see love and want.

"I’m right here Brian and I’m not asking you to say that you love me."

"I know that, but what do you want?

Brian didn’t know what to do or say. He’d been here for what seemed like forever but he knew deep down it was barely a day. All he wanted was for Justin to hold him and tell him that everything would be okay. That’s all he wanted. He had never wanted anything as much he wanted that. But that wasn’t his way. He was not one to need anything, everyone needed him. He didn’t think he had the right to need. Justin needed him to fix him. Michael needed him to love him. Debbie needed him to protect Mikey. Lindsay needed his money, and Mel, well, she needed him to die. So maybe everyone didn’t need him. What about him? Why couldn’t he need? He looked in the eyes of this young boy, of this young man and wondered why he needed him so much? All he knew for sure was that his head hurt from lack of drugs and his throat hurt due to the tumor and right now all he really needed was sleep. He saw Justin reach for the doorknob.

"Stay."

Justin was about to leave but he heard his voice. It was small and faint.

"What did you say?"

"Stay with me. I need you here…..now."

Justin looked at the man before him. He could tell that every word that came out of his mouth literally hurt as it was ripped from his throat and for that he felt guilty. He closed the distance between them. He wanted to touch Brian but he didn’t know if he wanted to be touched. He sat on the bed opposite Brian and slid his back up against the headboard. He was shocked when Brian lifted his body back on the bed and placed his head in his lap. He remembered many times when he had placed his head in Brian’s lap and Brian would run his fingers through his hair and comfort him. He looked down and saw the back of the head that he loved. His body was tense as if he thought Justin might shove him away, but he didn’t. Justin relaxed and brushed his hand across Brian’s forehead and told him he didn’t have to worry about anything. He was there now. He didn’t have to worry about a thing.

He could feel Brian’s body relax more and he began to breathe evenly.

"It’s okay, Brian. I’m not going anywhere. This is where I belong. This is what I need. I need to be here with you, taking care of you- not out of pity, not out of obligation but because I love you, you little twat."

A New Arrival by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
Someone new comes to town, after this nothing will be the same.

 

Michael tried his best to ignore them but he knew since he sat there trying his best to eat his cheeseburger and fries that, not only had Ben slid in the booth beside him but Mel and Lindz were staring him down and his mother was standing there tapping her foot and popping her gum. He wouldn’t be able to ignore them much longer but should he tell them? Yeah, he would.

"What?"

"Don’t you ‘what’ me. Where the hell did you and Sunshine go off to this morning?

"We went to find Brian. When I tracked down Justin last night he was a wreck at the loft because of what Brian had done. "

"What had he done, baby?"

"Nothing."

"Michael Charles Novotny! You tell me what you know and you tell me now!"

"We found Brian this morning."

"Where was he? What did he say? What the hell has gotten into him?"

"Ma, I can only answer one question at a time. He was at "Happy Springs". He didn’t say a thing to me and I never saw him."

"Why not?"

"Because Justin was being an ass. I told him that Brian should’ve just left him lying there and then he just threw me outta the car that we were riding in and I had to grab a cab back here. Do you know how much that cost?"

"You told Sunshine what?"

"Look Ma. I know that I shouldn’t have said it and I’m sorry that I said it. Really I am but Brian is in a rehab facility. There’s gotta to be more to the situation."

"Mel and I can vouch for that Deb. When we went back home last night, Brian had left us a bank book for Gus and let’s just say, he doesn’t have to worry about anything ever again. He really doesn’t. When I was at the loft and Justin showed me the deed he signed over to him, he also showed me the life insurance policies - a million dollars for Gus and Justin.

"Did you know Brian owned his whole building?"

"What did you just say, Michael?"

"What Lindz? That Brian owned the building?"

"No."

"Oh. That Brian has a million dollar life insurance policy for Gus and one for Justin?"

"Oh, God. I’m going to be sick.

Everyone watched as Lindz ran off to the bathroom.

 

"Michael. Why would you say that? Sometimes you’re such an ass!" Melanie ran to see if she could catch Lindsay.

 

JUSTIN POV

It was weird. Justin listened patiently to everything that the doctor said, and boy did he have a lot to say. He had to look forward to them cutting open Brian’s neck. A small incision, most of the stuff was done with lasers nowadays and Brian wouldn’t have a stoma. Thank God. I don’t think I could take seeing that every day, although he will have a small incision that I have to learn how to clean, and a shunt for drainage because it will be hard to swallow. For the first week after surgery Brian will be able to eat through a feeding tube in his abdomen and I will need to keep it clean. Brian didn’t want to stay in the hospital and I wasn’t going to make him. Claire was going to help us. She was a nurse. I never would’ve figured that. I remember the first day she came over in that blue coat and I asked Brian what she did and he said that she worked in a hair salon. He actually said the stupid bitch could barely read. She was no professional. That was what was so weird. She was here, looking scared and sniffling to herself. She loved Brian. She really loved him. Why did he act like he didn’t have anyone? Or maybe, just maybe this was guilt.

Right now she keeps turning her gaze on me and trying her best to give me a smile. Brian was feeling some discomfort and they gave him something. It’s almost like he’s not even here. He’s awake but something inside of his shirt has his attention instead what the doctor is saying. It seems like they don’t want to give him any strong medicine since we’re in a rehab facility but I don’t know. I’m thinking we’re putting that on the back burner for now. All I know is that I can do this.

I can. Right? Not even a whole year ago Brian took me in. He would wake up in the middle of the night and rock me after a nightmare, then help me to bed once I was so exhausted and could barely think straight from my moment of rage. I could do this, right? Then the side effects talk - nausea, photosensitivity, seizures, dry skin, excessive diarrhea. There were so many. Then there was depression, paranoia – so many things that could happen. Brian was so emotional now and they said that was common when someone is going through a major change. That their mind is trying to grasp any signs of normalcy and the person wants to be in control but they can barely hold it together. Nightmares, disorientation, black outs. Shit! All of this from cancer. Could I really do this? I’m not well myself I had to do this. This would show Brian how strong I am. Then after this he will realize that he made the perfect choice when he gave me his heart. I’ll show that fucking Mikey that he did the right thing when didn’t leave me in the street.

"Shouldn’t I be the one doing that?" Lindsay turned to see a worried-looking Melanie standing in the doorway.

"I’m fine and I’m sorry."

"What do you have to be sorry for? It’s Brian who I wish I could get my hands on."

"I know. Can you believe this?"

"Exactly. Rehab! I doubt that’s all that’s wrong with him."

"I thought I was the only one to pick up on that, Melanie."

"We have to find out when Justin comes back."

"Exactly and then we have to do what is best and get Justin to leave him."

"What?"

"Lindz. I always told you that Brian’s lifestyle would be his demise. He’s not like Ben and he’s not like Vic. He obviously has "IT" now and is ashamed to show his face because everyone told him so. Now when Justin comes to you, because he will and say how he wants to be there for Brian, you tell him to run."

"I will do no such thing; Brian has finally told Justin that he loves him."

"Yes and it only took contracting HIV for him to do it! Justin is barely twenty-years-old and it’s selfish for Brian to tie Justin down. Then we’ll have to pick up the pieces when he dies and leaves Justin all alone."

"You don’t even know for sure if that’s what he has. You’re just drawing your own conclusions."

"What else could it possibly be? He doesn’t wanna show his face because he knows what the outcome of being Pittsburgh’s Biggest Whore has finally got him. He has "IT", and that’s an honor he’ll literally have to take to his grave.

"What about Gus?"

"Nothing about Gus, Lindsay.

"I’m not evil. Gus will spend as much time with Brian as he can. He has to get to know him, because, well he won’t be around when he’s older.

"What has gotten into you, Melanie?"

"I’m sick of this. Okay!"

"Look at me. I’m standing here carrying our baby. We should be happy. Deb should be out there swooning at the fact that she is going to be a grandma. But no, once again we’re here worrying about Bitch Kinney and all his problems."

"I can’t. I just can’t look at you right now. I have to find Justin. I need answers."

BRIAN POV

"Justin!" Brian awoke from yet another nightmare about his father. Jack was a bastard when he was alive and now he haunted his dreams. It wasn’t like he was beating him or doing anything awful in his dreams. Now he was just sitting there with a smirk on his face. Why? Because he’d got him. Strike Two. Cancer, fucking cancer.

Brian looked around the room and noticed that he was all alone. Where was Justin? He had promised he’d stay. Right? Did he leave? Was he even there at all? Brian began to panic, his breath coming in sharp bursts. He couldn’t breathe. He felt hands on him and he knew right away it was Claire.

"Shhh. Calm down. He just went to get something to eat while you slept. He said he’d be back in an hour."

"Oh."

"When he comes back I’m going to leave."

"What?"

"He wants to be here for you and I know you want him to be. I’ll come back when you have the surgery and I’ll move in when you’re home but he wants to be here for you. He doesn’t need me crowding you. Now pull yourself together. He didn’t leave you. He chose you. Go to the bathroom; take a shower, and when he comes back, be normal. You’re going to beat this Brian. You have once already---no! Brian? We don’t talk about that?

"No-one knows about that."

"What?"

"Of course Michael must know?"

"No-one knows".

"You’re going to tell him. Right? It might help him understand why this has you so worried.

"No. He’ll leave for sure if he knows that I had Cancer, that this is the second time."

"Brian. Before it was childhood Cancer and you beat it. You’ll beat this too."

"Yeah and then it’ll come back and kill me. Strike three, you’re out."

"Brian. I didn’t mean to bring you down."

"It’s fine. I’m going to shower. I don’t really feel like talking."

Justin knew that he really shouldn’t have lied to Claire telling her he went to get something to eat but there was something he had to do. Brian was going to lose it if he had to stay in that place one more night so he was at the loft. He was going to bring Brian home where he belonged.

"Are you sure that I should be here, Justin?"

"Ethan. You are the only one who can help me do this. Brian doesn’t want anyone to know and well, you’re the only one I know who isn’t a part of our clan. God, that’s sad.

"No. It’s not. It just means that you are all a close-knit group. So what shall I do with all this?

"I don’t know. I would say ‘drink it and smoke it’ but that wouldn’t be good, would it? You told me your brother owns a bar so you can take him the booze that hasn’t been opened and then we can flush the pot."

"I’ve never seen this much before. All of this was really here?"

"Yeah."

"Here in this one little room?"

"It’s Brian's form of pain management; he didn’t really have a life full of sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, so this is how he deals when nothing goes his way."

"Well, I’m glad that you called me. If you need a friend and someone to talk to know that I’m here for you."

"I know."

"I’m sorry about us."

"It’s fine. So we’ll drop this off at "Heaven" and you’ll give me that ride to the airport?"

"Of course. I still have Daph’s truck. I’ll drop you off at the airport and then I’m going to bring Brian home."

"Okay but Justin, be safe."

"I’m fine; I told you he doesn’t have ‘IT.’

"Then if it’s not that then why won’t you tell me what’s going on?"

"It’s not my secret to tell Ethan. Can you just be a friend to me?"

"Of course."

"Come on. We have to go.

MICHAEL POV

So, I’m standing at the airport with Ben. Suddenly he tells me that has a big surprise for me. He doesn’t want to tell me what it is, so now I’m on edge. Apparently another Bruckner is rushing into town. I mean, Ben never talks about his family. Never! I’ve always figured that they were estranged. That maybe they disowned him after finding out that he was gay, or that they couldn’t take his HIV status. I just wondered who the hell was I about to meet and I hoped that they liked me.

I was standing there when a blonde head caught my eye and it was Justin. He was standing at the gate with his "Rat." They were laughing and smiling and then it shocked the hell out of me what happened next. They kissed right there at the terminal. It was a real kiss. That fucking twink just gave me all this shit a few hours ago and here he was making out with this fucking weasel. Son of a bitch!

"Ethan!"

"I’m sorry. I know that I shouldn’t have done that. It’s just…well, I thought that you and I would be finally starting our life together. Not that I would be leaving to go on this big tour."

"Ethan. You and I will always be friends but this is where I want to be. I love Brian and you saw it. He loves me."

"Yeah. I just hope that he really realizes it and doesn’t let you go."

"He does and thanks for earlier."

"You’re welcome. That’s why I had to get that one last kiss from my muse so I could go and be dazzling."

"Good luck, Ethan. I’m serious."

"You have my address. Why don’t you drop me a line sometime and let me know if everything is okay."

"I will. Now you go and take care of your man.

"Oh, Michael. Here she comes! I look in that direction and I see who we’ve been standing here waiting thirty minutes for. A beautiful, tall woman comes off the plane. She has long, black hair ringed with curls. She has naturally-tanned skin but not from a tanning bed. I can see Ben's likeness around her eyes, and when she looks this way and actually sees Ben, she comes running.

She squeals ‘Benji’ and jumps into his arms. This woman is in good shape. She has a well-toned athlete’s body that looks like she works out. She’s young and attractive and I think that she’s Ben’s sister. He spins her around three more times and then she hugs him and won’t let go. She looks at me and smiles. That’s when he finally realizes that he hasn’t introduced us. I notice that she’s wearing nothing but this little, skimpy black dress and she reminds me a lot of Mel’s ex, Leda and I wonder if she’s a lesbian but I didn’t really understand what Ben said when he introduced us.

"I’m sorry, Ben. What did you say?"

"Oh, Michael. I would like you to meet Peta Bruckner, my mother."

"You’re what!"

Freaking Out by Galesgal
Author's Notes:

Okay this is a good one.  Lots of drama, lots of pain, oh and it's a little NC 18 cause there's the sex.  I hope you enjoy it.

CLAIRE POV

My brother could really be stubborn sometimes. Justin called and told me that he got held up and to get Brian released and I did. It’s not like he was being held against his will. For the whole hour trip back to the loft he didn’t say a damn thing. He just looked out the window like a sick puppy. I wanted to tell him that he should try and talk because after the procedure…..but then I told myself that I didn’t really want to think about after the procedure. Due to Brian’s pain it has been moved up and is now in two days. They’ve done all the blood work so all he has to do now is show up. He took a shower earlier and promised me that he was going to come out acting normal but he didn’t. I want to smack him but I know that a smack on the face will jar his throat and I don’t want to cause him pain.

We arrive at the loft and he offers me something to drink then goes to the bedroom and steps out of all of his clothes right there in front of me. I mean, I know I’m his sister but you never want to see your brother’s cock no matter how well-endowed he is. One glance at it and think to myself that all the ladies around probably hate that he’s gay and then I think what he must be doing to the insides of that poor Justin. Justin is so young and fragile and to think about what the two of them do here sort of makes me blush. Then I think, damn, am I sick or what? I look back into his room and he’s just lying there, staring at the ceiling.

"Brian?" He says nothing. "Brian. I’m sorry about what I said earlier. It’s no-one’s business but yours about the Leukemia. You don’t have to tell anyone shit. But if you did it would explain to a lot to people about what you eat and why you’re so skinny. I mean, what about Gus?"

"What about him?"

"You’re anemic. How did you explain that to Lindz?"

"I told her I was anemic and she got Gus tested. End of story."

"Does it hurt?"

"Only when I breathe, talk, exist?"

"You’re all sweaty. Don’t you think you should take a shower?"

"I’ve already had three showers. It’s the Vodka and all the other shit. It’s escaping through my po-po-pores. I’m pathetic."

"You’re fine. Just take the words slowly. Don’t forget to breathe. It’s going to be fine."

"Yeah. Whatever. I’m sleeping now."

"Fine. I’ll go watch TV."

"Well. We’re here, Lindz. Shall we go in?"

"I don’t know. I mean, his sister’s here."

"Yeah, so?"

"It’s almost ten at night. Why would she be here? Why is she here and no-one else?"

"Does she know, Melanie? I really can’t take this right now."

"What about you? Are you all right? Do you feel sick? Is the baby okay? Hey babe, you’re getting yourself worked up over something that might be nothing."

"But you said--what do I know? I’m hormonal. I’m three months pregnant and I want to shout it from the rooftops."

"Let’s just go home, Babe. It’s Friday, there’s always Sunday dinner."

"You’re right. Come on. Let’s go home. We’ve been parked out here long enough."

MICHAEL POV

Okay. I’m stunned. MOTHER! I was not expecting him to say she was his mother. She looks so young and they act like brother and sister. She can’t be his mother. Ben is thirty-two-years old and my mother is nothing like her, so this can’t be his mother."

"I know what you’re thinking, Michael and you’re right. I am too young to be Ben’s mother. I was a loose kid. I for one can admit that now and I was pregnant with Benji here when I was fifteen years old. So right now I’m a young forty-seven and I think I look good. So when do I get to meet this new grandson you guys took in?"

"Soon, mother. He’s working a shift at the diner."

"Good. I’ve taught you well, Benji. Where’s the bathroom?"

"Down the hall. It’s the second door on the right."

"Good. Be right back."

Michael couldn’t help himself, he watched her as she walked away. She was just too young-looking to be Benji’s mother. ‘Benji.’ That was cute.

"Michael there’s something I gotta tell you before she comes back here."

"Sure. What is it?"

"Well. You know that I love you, right?"

"Of course, Ben. What is it?"

"It’s my mother. She loves me and everything I told her about you just made her love you more but there’s just one flaw in the things I told her about you."

"What flaw?"

"She sort of thinks your positive."

"What?"

JUSTIN POV

Okay. Is this what I signed on for? He’s just lying there. He’s completely naked with the duvet over him. He’s looking at me or maybe looking through me. I’ve been here an hour and all he has said is, ‘you came back’ and ‘lie with me.’ Claire showed herself out and said that she would see us on Monday for the procedure. So now I lay here looking into his eyes. He’s sleepy but he won’t give in. He’s sweaty. He wants a shower but he’s dead on his feet. So he won’t say that he needs me to join him and help him. He just looks to me to figure it out.

 

"I’ll be right back."

I went to the bathroom and got the basin from under the sink. I filled it up with his favorite bath gel and I got his shaving kit and a white sheet from the closet. I was going to take care of him. This would be my first time to show him that I was there for him and that I knew he was going to need help. I gather up all my materials and go back to the room to bathe my man.

When he saw me coming, I thought he was going to protest but he stood up and let me put the sheet over his duvet. He knew I wanted it on the bed so I didn’t mess it up. I wet the cloth and begin to wash his face with his favorite face cloth. He leaned into my touch and his whole body relaxed.

"Feel good?"

"Yeah." I moved to his neck and stopped there. I didn’t mean to but I could feel it. It really startled me because I knew that I had been spending time with Ethan but hadn’t I been touching Brian in our usual way? Why hadn’t I felt this? I remember when he had that sore throat and this made tears prickle my eyes but I was not going to let them fall. I was not about to be a silly little faggot. I was a man and I was going to show the man that I loved that I could prove myself to him.

"I’m so sorry, Brian."

"Sorry’s…….and then he stopped and swallowed hard. I don’t know if that meant it hurt too bad to continue or he truly believed that I was but I got the other cloth and begin to wipe down his chest.

MICHAEL POV

"She what?"

"Listen. My mother, she loves me and she accepts me for the way that I am, but she wants me to go out there and find a nice positive guy to love so that I don’t leave them when I die."

"So you told her I was positive?"

"No, of course not. I would never say that about you. I just never implied that you weren’t. Then when I told her that we had taken in Hunter a few months ago and when she learned about his status she just figured that, well, we were one big, happy positive family."

"Ben. Do you expect me to lie to your mother?"

"Of course not. Just don’t tell her unless she asks. When I find the right moment I will tell her the truth."

"I never thought she would turn up here. She’s always so busy with work."

"What does your mother do?"

"She’s an oncologist."

JUSTIN POV

Who knew that bathing someone could turn out to be so damn sexual? I swear this was not what I was going for, but here he is naked and panting. I’m so hard in my pants right now and my cock’s begging for release but I will not act on my impulses. I will not let him think that this is what it’s about. I soap up the cloth and I begin to bathe his chest and across his abdomen. I start to wonder if the tubing to the feeding tube will be small or large. That it will probably go all the way up to his nose. God! I can’t think about this. Just then I feel the muscles in his stomach tighten and I look up and he has a pained look on his face.

"Brian?" He takes a few breaths and rolls to his side and puts his knees up. This is good ‘cause well, I need to get his back anyway.

I brush the cloth over his back and then I slide it in his crack. I brush over his hole and he whimpers. "Brian?" What’s freaking me out the most is that he’s gone back to not talking. Claire told me that sometimes it gets too hard for him and he’s just quiet. It explains a lot to me about the past couple of days. How when I think he’s going to give me the argument that I want he shuts down. I’m thinking about that and not really thinking about what I’m doing until I feel him sliding back against my finger. What?

He’s trying to fuck himself on my finger. I look at him and he gives me that look. I know what it means. I slide my pants down and I rub up against him. I slide my hand around and begin to stroke his cock. It’s turning me on how it’s hardening right in my hands and there goes that whimper again. "Brian?" He smiles and I know that he wants it hard and rough. He doesn’t want it nice and slow. He doesn’t want me to make love to him. That will make him feel like it’s the end and I have to do this for his sake. He wants me to fuck him.

I push him over on his stomach, and he slides his butt up and I attack his hole. He lets out a weird noise and it startles me but he looks over his shoulder and with his eyes I know that this all he has right now. I grab a condom from the bowl on the night stand and without warning I shove all my girth inside of him. His knees buckle and I know that he’s truly enjoying himself. He stands up on his haunches and grinds himself on to me. I’m taking it. I’ve never wanted him so much in my life. I pound in to him like some kind of wild animal. I reach around and I jerk his cock. He’s sweaty and I know that it’s not because of what we’re doing, it’s because of this thing. I just want to have him because in two days they’re going to cut him open and then what? I’ll have to watch him die? That’s when it hits me. This is just so wrong. I sleep with Brian a lot and he lets me top him but I don’t want to be the top now. I’m still pounding into him because that’s what my body wants but I don’t want it anymore. I realize that it’s so fucking wrong. I want Brian to be fucking me into the mattress and saying dirty things to me. I don’t want to be all sweaty, pounding into the man I love and realizing that he has given me himself as a gift because I may not be able to do this anymore. It hits me like a ton of bricks. He’s doing this in case he dies. I suddenly feel his cum all over my hands as he climaxes and that causes his ass muscles to clamp on my condom-covered dick and I come too. He is lying there satisfied and then I notice that he’s crying. Brian Fucking Kinney is crying in my arms. God, I wish I was a kid again. All of a sudden I wish that Claire was here and I could pass this shell of a man over to her. I hold him tightly and I tell him that we can do this. No need to worry. That I’m there and nothing can stop us now. He leans into my touch and relaxes. He has faith in me and he loves me. It’s my turn to be strong. He leans in closer as if he wants to climb inside of my body and then he says it.

 

"I love you, Justin."

"Let’s sleep, Brian."

MICHAEL POV

Ben’s mother talks a lot which is a good thing because after the bomb he just dropped I don’t think I can talk. Ben filled her in about how Hunter was hanging round the comic book store and that we found him sleeping in the store room and we had taken him in. She was proud of her Benji. She knew that she had taught him well. She also told me that she was glad that Ben had found someone so young, and caring and not like his ex who had given this disease to her son. She hated HIV, of course. This I suspected but she really hated Ben’s ex and she told him to be sure to tell her where he was buried while she was in town, so she could spit on his grave. That sort of startled of me. I mean, she was a doctor so shouldn’t she show some kind of compassion? Then I realized that she was just sorry that this could cause the death of her son. She gave us both a kiss and went to bed. I was glad because I couldn’t take this much longer. I was going to tell her the truth. Tomorrow was Saturday and we’d be stuck together. I’m sure that I’ll have to do something to avoid being in a room alone with her because if I don’t I’m going tell her that i'm negative. I know I am.

JUSTIN POV

He couldn’t take it. He made a mistake. Why the hell was he trying to do this? He knew that he loved Brian. There was no question about that but he was only nineteen-years-old. Why in hell did he think that he would be able to take Brian being sick. They haven’t even cut him open yet and Brian pretends he’s dead. Justin took a look at himself in the mirror and he didn’t like the face that stared back at him. He was young and healthy. His clean hair shone and his body looked healthy and Brian was out there with a huge lump in his neck. He was diseased and they were going to cut him open. He might lose all his hair, or his voice or both. He could be depressed or when this all was over afraid of his own shadow. In the end Brian could be worse off than him. Just thinking about this told him that he didn’t like the healthy face that looked back at him in the mirror. "What the hell are you looking at?" It was as if his reflection had laughed back at him. That only made Justin angrier and before he knew it he had punched the glass. Now all he saw was dots as the pain rushed to his hand and he looked at his distorted reflection in the mirror. This just pissed him off more. He could swear that the reflection was still laughing.

Brian was awakened from his slumber by a loud crash. It only took seconds for him to realize that Justin was not in the bed with him. He ran to the bathroom and he opened the door and what he saw scared the shit out of him. Justin was in there punching the mirror over and over telling it to shut up. His hand was a bloody mess when Brian pulled him away.

"Justin. What the hell are you doing?"

"He was laughing at me!"

"Who?"

"Me. He was just in there laughing and I wanted him to shut his face. I just I wanted it not to be me."

"Come on. Let’s get you to the hospital. You’re probably going to need stitches." "No. I’m not going to a hospital and you need to get back in bed."

"I don’t need to do anything"

"I need to take care of you."

"I’m not dead yet."

"Then stop acting like it!" Then Justin stormed from the bathroom. He grabbed Brian’s keys and slammed out of the loft.

 

Being Normal by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
The Boys try to get back to being normal.  It lasts but for how long

MELANIE'S POV

Melanie Marcus stared at the printout from the sonogram machine. She was with child. Who would have thought it? It was still early to tell what it was because it was turned away from the camera. Her little darling was giving the world its’ ass. The thought of that made her chuckle. She didn’t care what it was, as long as it was healthy. They would tell everyone at Deb’s dinner this week and Lindsay was so worried about what Brian was going to think. Fuck Brian! I thought about asking him to donate his sperm but I didn’t want to ask him anything because nothing of mine needs to be swimming around inside me with anything ‘Kinney.’ Now our kids won’t be related. It doesn’t matter though, Lindsay will become the second custodial guardian and they’ll be adoptive siblings. That bond can be stronger than true kin. I mean, look at Brian and Michael. You would think they were related. Brian thought of Michael as his brother from another mother. My God! Did I just say something nice about Brian? Yeah, there’s definitely something wrong with my hormones.

"So, Justin. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?"

"No, Daphne. I don’t want to talk about it."

"Justin. You came over to my house and took my father’s truck to God-knows-where to find Brian. Then Brian told you he loved you. My God! You have got to tell me! Do you realize I just picked you up from the Emergency Room. Why didn’t Brian bring you here?"

"Because we were in the middle of an argument and I think it would be pointless if he brought me here."

"Argument? Did he do this to you?"

"No, of course not. I got upset with my reflection and I beat the shit out of it."

"Excuse me?"

"It would make sense if you knew the whole story."

"Then tell me."

"I don’t know, Daph. We’re not really supposed to tell anyone."

"Oh, come on. We’re almost back to the apartment and you’re staying over so you might as well tell me. I know you’re going to need someone to talk to during all of this so it can be me. You know I won’t tell anyone."

"Fine, but it doesn’t leave this car."

"I promise."

"Daph its bad. It’s really bad."

CLAIRE’S POV

"You’ve waited this long to call me, Brian!"

"I thought maybe you wanted to sleep in your own bed and that you were sick of being my nurse."

"Brian. I promised that I would be here for you but I also told you that you had to come out of whatever this is that you are in. Justin wants to be there for you too and I know you want him to be there for you but you have to realize that he is what… twenty?"

"Practically."

"Well. He can’t take the moping. Come on. This is not a death sentence."

"Sure. It isn’t."

"It’s not. Not unless you want it to be. Now, why did he leave?"

"I don’t know. I let him fuck me and I fell asleep. Next thing I know he’s saying something about his reflection laughing at him and he was beating the crap out of it. He left here in my car and now I don’t know where he is but when I woke up my car was back."

"How’d it get back?"

"Fuck if I know. All I know is that Justin’s cell is off."

"Well, okay. So you let him fuck you. What did you say to him?"

"Nothing really?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I didn’t really talk. Okay. It’s fucking frustrating and it hurts and then if I get upset the words sound funny and I slur. I don’t want to fucking sound like a stroke victim."

"I swear to god, Brian. Are you listening to me?"

"Yes."

"I have to go and start getting what we’ll need for when I’m here for good and here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to find him and reassure him that you haven’t given up. You got it? You’re going to pull yourself out of this depression ‘cause I for one can’t take it. You are going to give him two days of the Brian that he loves and everybody hates and Monday we begin taking it one day at a time. You got it?"

"Yeah. I got it."

"Now I’m off to the store and then I have afternoon mass."

"What?"

"I have to give Mother her time or she’ll be riding my ass and I don’t need her when I’m with you. Now up, shower and find him. I’ll see you later."

JUSTIN'S POV

Yup, they stitched me up real good in the ‘ER.’ I thought it would be weird going back there for the first time I’ve been to the hospital since the bashing and I handled it. I handled it quite well, thank you. I told her. I can’t believe I told Daphne about Brian. He knew I would, I’m sure. I needed to tell someone or I was going to go crazy. I was such an idiot leaving the Corvette in the hospital parking lot overnight. If he knew that he would probably flip, but Daphne took me to get it this morning and now it’s back in his spot on Tremont. I can’t do this. I’m going to tell Claire today that I can’t be there for Brian. I want to so bad but he’s just given up and I won’t be there if he’s not willing to fight for us. Deb is giving me that look and I instantly know that Michael couldn’t keep his trap shut and he told her about "Happy Springs." While he was telling her that, I wonder if he told her what he said? Probably not, ‘cause well, that’s the kind of son of a bitch he is. I shouldn’t have said that. Deb’s not a bitch. At least, not all the time.

MICHAEL'S POV

Saturday Brunch was a tradition that we’ve had for the past couple of years. We all would meet at the diner for brunch or we’d go over to someone’s house. Now it’s just Emmett, Ted and I. We all know he’s missing and we wonder if he’s going to come. And if he does, how are we supposed to act? Does he want us to know? I shouldn’t have told anyone that he was at "Happy Springs." Damn it Michael, yet another person to be pissed at you. Speaking of the Devil, here he comes.

Brian hid his swollen eyes behind his best pair of sunglasses and pasted on a dazzling smile as he slid into the booth next to Mikey

"Hey, Mikey. What’s up?"

"Ben’s mother is in town and she loves me."

"And?"

"And everything is based on lies and I’m avoiding them. That’s why I’m here and they are across town at the hospital."

"Hospital?"

"Yeah. She’s in town for work so she’s showing Benji her new digs."

"Benji?"

"That’s what she calls him."

"Wasn’t that a show about a dog, Mikey?"

"Yeah, what’s wrong?"

"What?"

"You sound funny. Are you okay?"

"Must be lack of alcohol. Have you seen Justin?"

"Yeah. He’s in back. What the fuck happened to his hand?"

"Long story. I’m going to talk Deb into letting him leave. See you later boys. Justin and I have plans"

JUSTIN'S POV

I see him. He’s walking this way so confidently. I love that. He looks better but I can’t see his eyes. He’s worried about me. He shouldn’t be worried about me. I should be the one worried about him. I’m such a kid. More proof why I can’t do this. I’m just going to turn him over to Claire. It’s just that he’ll be better off without me. Look! He’s given me that smile.

"What are you doing here, Brian?"

"What do you mean? You sort of left my house bleeding last night and you didn’t even bother to tell me what happened?"

"I’m fine. See. They stitched me up real good and I brought your car back this morning."

"Did you stay with Daph last night?"

"Yes. I’m thinking of moving in with her later when all of this is over."

"Tell Deb you need to get off. I’ve got plans for us."

"What kind of plans?"

"I thought that maybe I would take you to a museum and fuck you in the bathroom."

‘Okay. Let me tell her I need to go and you can meet me outside"

"Yeah. Hurry."

MELANIE’S POV

Melanie and Lindsay were standing in the check-out line when Ben caught their attention. He was standing very close to a young woman and they were laughing. The next thing that shocked both girls was that they leaned into each other and kissed right on the lips. It was nothing too passionate but it was a kiss, just the same.

"Did you see that, Lindz?"

"Yeah. Who is that woman that he’s with?"

"I don’t know. Let’s go over and say hello, Lindz."

"But we have these baby things."

"It doesn’t matter. We’re going to tell anyway. If he asks we’ll tell him a day early. He should be aware of the fact that he’s going to be a ‘papa.’"

"Will he really be the ‘papa,’ Mel?"

"Yeah. I suppose. I mean, he can’t have kids and she’s going to have two mothers. I guess Ben and Michael will be the two dads."

"Well. Why don’t we consider Justin Gus’s other dad?"

"Maybe if Justin wasn’t twelve we would. Now come on, let’s go over."

"Hey Ben. What’s going on?" Lindz asked.

"Lindz, Mel. This is my mother, Peta."

"MOTHER!" They both screeched in unison

"Yeah. We get that reaction a lot," explained Ben.

"So this is Mel and Lindz. Ben has been telling me a lot about you this morning. I’m coming over to Debbie’s house for dinner tomorrow and we’re just here getting some things so I can make a dessert. But if I’m going to make a dessert I have to have the perfect dish for it to go in. You don’t take a dish over to someone’s home in Tupperware. You have to have the perfect crystal bowl.

"Oh! You two are buying baby stuff? Who’s having a baby?"

"Oh Ben. We’re going to tell everyone tomorrow. But it worked first time. Mel’s pregnant."

"Oh! What a surprise!" he said as it suddenly dawned on him.

"Well congrats. Listen. We have to go. We’ll see you guys later."

"Benji. There’s no need for us to go too"

"Remember mother. You were going to show me your office."

"See you guys tomorrow."

"What do you suppose that was all about?" asked Mel.

"I don’t know but he surely rushed her out of here."

JUSTIN'S POV

 

Brian was perfect. He went to the museum with me and totally listened as I explained every little detail to him. He even pretended not to care in his old way and then he took me in the bathroom and he fucked me, but good. It was amazing. Then we went back to the diner and he forgot about his stupid diet for a while and we were having the time of our life and it happened.

"Come on. Just one more bite," Justin demanded.

"I’m not eating that shit, Sunshine. It’ll go to my hips. Look it’s 7:30. We need to get home and into the shower and begin the nights’ festivities," explained Brian.

"I wanna finish my burger first. If you take one more bite of yours, when we get back to the loft I’ll let you have your wicked way with me."

"Really?" questioned Brian.

"You don’t care if I eat this or not. But fine, I’m still kind of hungry, I suppose."

Justin wasn’t paying attention to Brian when he took his last bite. He was taking it all in. Today was a good day and he hadn’t thought about what was going to happen on Monday, not once. He didn’t think that there was a moment where he couldn’t do this.

"Brian. I’m going to go to the restroom. Brian?" Brian was literally turning blue right in front of Justin. He was choking.

"Shit, Brian!" His eyes were wild and his mouth was wide open.

"Help us! Could somebody call an ambulance?"

Deb came running from the back to see what all the commotion was about. Never in her wildest dreams did she expect to see Brian choking. Most of the people in the diner were just looking as Justin freaked out, trying to remember the steps of the Heimlich Maneuver. She remembered. She went up behind him and did it and a piece of hamburger went flying out of his mouth. There was something strange. It wasn’t that big. It was very small but Brian was choking, that was for sure.

"Brian. What the….?" The rest of her words were cut off because Brian’s mouth was bleeding.

"Brian?" gasped Debbie.

"Leave it alone. I’m fine."

"Justin, Let’s get the fuck out of here. Apparently a burger is seriously hazardous to your health."

 

Claire looked around the loft and everything that she had purchased today was well-hidden. She knew that Brian wouldn’t want any kind of reminder of what was to come. That’s why she had ordered the bed and it would be delivered the day of the surgery. She was glad that he had a good day with Justin. She checked in an hour ago and Justin said that Brian was behaving well. As well as he could but tomorrow he was going into work for a while. Who works on a Sunday? Maybe she could convince him to come to Mass with her? Nope. Hell would probably freeze over first.

JUSTIN'S POV

Dammit! Everything was going so well and now we’re driving back from the hospital in complete silence. Choking - apparently yet another symptom of this shit. Choking on food and blood in his throat. Godammit! How am I going to do this? Deb hurt his ribs performing the Heimlich and now he’s gone quiet. Not out of annoyance but it hurt too much. He’s sore. So now he’s quiet but he’s looking at me with those eyes. My head hurts, my fucking hand hurts, and it’s not helping that I’m gripping the steering wheel so fucking hard that my knuckles are white. Dammit!

BRIAN'S POV

He’s really driving like a madman. Twice I’ve caught myself wanting to yell ‘stop’ before you hurt my baby. No one drives the ‘Vette like this. No-one. Then he keeps glancing at me and squeezing my thigh. He’s such a caring boyfriend. Wasn’t this the perfect date? We went to the museum. He blew me in the bathroom. We went to the movies. I blew him in there then back to the museum. This time I fucked him in the bathroom and then we end it with a burger at the diner, and I nearly choke to death. Is this really what I want for him? He should be off somewhere getting drunk with Daphne and kids his own age. He sure as hell shouldn’t be taking my geriatric ass home to bed. God! I should have never told him I loved him. Now it’s going to be harder to push him away. But I will. It’s time for him to go.

"What?" Ben asked.

"I can’t be alone with your mother tomorrow. Why on earth did you tell her we’d go to church?"

"Because I can’t go. There’s going to be a seminar and I have to go to it."

"You should have told her I was a Jehovah’s Witness or even better, an atheist. Or because I’m a fag, I shouldn’t believe in Jesus."

"Michael. Take her to the service then bring her home and I’ll tell her before the dinner. Considering what I found out today I’ve got to tell her."

"What?" questioned Michael. "What did you find out today?"

"I can’t tell you. It’s a big surprise."

"Really? What?"

"It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you."

JUSTIN'S POV

There’s so much research about cancer on the Internet. It can both reassure and scare the shit out of you at the same time. I went online to talk to some people about this and I feel a little better now. This new procedure that they are doing is fantastic and Brian’s chances are promising. He’s young which is good. It’s rare for a white man in his thirties to get Throat Cancer but it’s because of the drinking, smoking and the drug-taking. That’s why it’s the way it is. I’ll make it through this. I’m so strong. Brian will be proud of me when it’s all over and he’ll make me stronger and it will make him love me even more. I can do this. I just have to keep telling myself that I can. I close down the laptop and slide under the covers. He rolls over and puts his arms around me and smells the back of my neck and relaxes. God! I love this man.

End Notes:
hopefully the next chapter won't take this long.
The Dinner from Hell by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
This chapter is kind of short but the cat is outta the bag for some of our characters hope you like it.

CLAIRE'S POV

 

Claire sat in church with her mother. She couldn’t help herself, the more she tried the harder it was to keep her tears at bay. Her mother was stupid and she didn’t think that it had anything to do with Brian. She thought she missed her kids, or even worse her ex-husband. She thought she cried for Jack. The bastard had been dead for a year now. Everyone looked at her with hatred because she cried at his funeral. She cried a lot and most people thought that her tears were for Jack and they were. She put on a good show and she cried like a dutiful daughter, little did anyone know that she cried because she was so damn happy that he was dead. That part of her wanted to dance a jig as they lowered his lifeless body into the ground and she cheered when Brian told everyone the truth at the funeral. It killed her that she was the pregnancy that her father wanted and she hated him so much and Brian was the one that no-one wanted and yet he craved for just an ounce of affection – the affection that they gave her. In this world that just wasn’t right. It wasn’t right at all.

 

Father Tom preached about love and forgiveness and my mother sits here and eats it all up and yet she doesn’t love nor forgive my brother. Sure he’s gay, and the Word says that he will burn in damnation and I believe that to be true but he’s still my brother. It’s not like he’s gone out there and murdered a bunch of people. Wherever he wants his soul to rest is his business.I shall be in heaven because I don’t stick to the part of the bible that suits to my view of the world.. He is my brother. I shall love him. He loves me. He loves me no matter what. He’s not bitter or jealous that I get the love and affection of our parents that he wants and I’m glad, because if I woke up one morning and the only love that I received was from my mother, I’d surely die. I need Brian’s love. I know he doesn’t love me just because I’m his sister but because I’ve earned it.

JUSTIN'S POV

So tell me why I’ve decided to come to Deb’s to help her out with dinner? Justin asked himself. It’s like four hours before it happens and why am I here? Oh. That’s right because Vic’s not.

Vic met a lovely man by the name of Rodney and they have gone on a four-month cruise. They’re going to someplace sunny and I wish I was there right now because Deb is giving me that look. She wants to know why Brian left the diner so quickly last night and if he’s okay? She wants to know if he has taken up drinking again since Mikey was ever so lovely and told everyone that he had checked himself into rehab. Damn him. She’s called in reinforcements because my mother is here as well. Could she really be worried about Brian? No, she just wants to make sure he’s treating me right now that he has said the "L word." Well, said it to the best of his ability for their standards. God! Where’s a baseball bat when you need one.

"So. How is Brian, sweetheart? Deb told me what happened at the diner last night. Is he all right?"

"He’s fine, Mother. We went to the hospital and he’s fine."

"It scared me shitless, Sunshine and there was so much blood on such a little piece of food. How did he manage to choke on it?"

"You can choke on anything, Deb. The size is not very important. I think it just went down the wrong way. When he comes tonight could you just.. I don’t know, pretend that it never happened. It’s bad enough you guys know about ‘Happy Springs’."

"Is he ashamed of going there, Justin? I think that he should applaud himself for that."

"Mom. I don’t think that he looks at it as something that he has to applaud himself for. It’s not like he wanted to go. It’s more that he didn’t fucking have a choice."

"What are you talking about, Justin?"

"Nothing, Deb. I was… just, it’s nothing?"

"There’s more to your story and I know it. You tell me and you tell me right this instant!"

"Oh! There’s the door, Deb. I’ll get it."

MICHAEL'S POV

 

I’ve changed my clothes, I know, fourteen times now. You would think that I was going to an art exhibit or something like that. I’m just going to my mother’s for fucking meatloaf. Yeah. Meatloaf and the third degree. I’m anxious to know what my surprise is and I’m terrified of everyone hearing the truth about me. Ben’s mother is very kind and loving and I just don’t see why she doesn’t want her son to be happy. Why does she see him being with someone like me as being wrong? Because of the burden that he lives with, he has to have someone there who is in the same situation that he’s in? That he has to be in a relationship where you play the ‘lets see who dies first’ game? Seems like wanting something like that for the one you love is sickening. God! She’s a doctor, for God’s sake. She should see the good side of me. I love Ben and we love Hunter. This is where I belong. I’m sure that tonight will definitely be one of those nights to go down in Novotny Family History. Wow! All of a sudden I really wish that Vic was here.

MELANIE'S POV

"Damn it!"

"What’s the matter?"

"Nothing fits any more. I’m going to have to buy some new suits."

"Oh, I bet you’ll look adorable in maternity wear."

"Maternity wear? I’ll probably be better off buying stuff from the large sizes section. I mean, maternity wear is always so floral and cheerful…..and ruffled. I’m sorry. Just because there is a baby growing inside me doesn’t mean that I have to walk around in a pink shirt with a huge bow on the front. I’m a lawyer."

"Oh, come on. You told me that I was adorable in my maternity clothes. Now are you telling me that I was hideous?"

"Of course not, babe. You were adorable and beautiful but me, I don’t do ruffles. Shit. I need to change again."

BRIAN'S POV

 

Black. Black. Black. Why does everything I own have to be black? That’s what Brian Kinney thought to himself as he stared in the mirror. Justin bought me a smart, orange shirt. It’s not tasteless and I’d wear it if it were black. He bought me a nice dark-green one as well. Would I give them a heart attack if I showed up in green? They think I’m nuts as it is ‘cause I went to rehab. So, what the hell?

Brian did up every button on his shirt until he reached the top one. It just felt weird around his neck. It wasn’t buttoned right up as Michael would have done it. He thought it was odd that whether going to work or not or wearing a tie or not, if Mikey had on a button-down shirt every button was done up. Now here he stood at the mirror with three buttons from the top undone. He wished he could cancel. His face hurt. He didn’t feel like talking and hopefully he wouldn’t have to. More exciting things going on. Lindsay called making sure he’d be there. She had big news and the professors’ mother was in town. He wondered what she looked like. Apparently she was really something, the way he talked about her. See, obviously more exciting things going on. So maybe no-one would worry about him. He went through his pockets and he found it. A piece of Strawberry Bubble Gum. It was probably the cheapest thing he had on him. He didn’t know why he loved it so much. He and Mikey used to eat it when they were younger but now that his mouth was constantly dry he chewed it constantly. These days he didn’t make much saliva. He wondered why no guy who he kissed or sucked off hadn’t said ‘Hey buddy, you sure got a dry mouth.’ Guess they were too busy being thrilled that Brian Kinney was actually fucking them. That made him wonder that if something was different about his testicles, would a guy have the decency to say ‘hey buddy, while I was going down on you there was something weird about your balls.’ Nope. No fool in their right mind would say something like that. The world surely was filled with the unloving and uncaring these days. Shit! He would stay home if Justin was here. Nope. Deb had got him nice and early this morning and if he didn’t want to be here, lonely he would stay. No time to be a scared little boy. Time to go face the big, bad wolf.

JUSTIN'S POV

Have you ever been to a party where everyone is either hiding something or has something to say and yet no-one is speaking? Yeah. That’s this dinner at Deb’s. Everyone is here now and I’m feeling claustrophobic. I mean, I’ve been here all day. When is my big escape? Brian just walked in and he’s wearing the shirt I bought him. He’s so beautiful that I can’t even tell that he’s dying. Okay. I should be more optimistic. For the moment he is and he showed up with a smile on his face so I have to be good and strong in case he needs me. I have to be the strong one this time around so it’s no panic attack for you, Justin Taylor. You have to be a man. I’m a man. Keep telling yourself that and maybe just maybe you’ll begin to believe it.

"Well. We have big news and it’s time we shared it."

"What is it Lindz? asked Deb."

"Well, about four months ago we decided that we wanted to have another baby, and we asked Michael and he agreed to be the father."

"Oh my god! You mean I’m going to be a grandma? Oh, I can’t wait. When are you going to start the process?"

"We already have and well, Deb in about six months you’re going to hear the pitter-patter of little feet," screeched Lindz.

"You’re shitting me!"

BRIAN'S POV

I was as shocked as anyone when I realized that statement had come from me. It just slipped out of my mouth.

"What’s your problem, asshole?" demanded Melanie.

"Nothing. I just thought that if you two were to have another baby that I would provide the sperm. That way the kid and Gus would be related now it’s just like what - the ‘Brady Bunch Gay Style’."

"If you thought that any of my insides were going to float around with anything from you Kinney, you had another thing coming!"

"You make it sound like I’m going to violate you. But I suppose Mikey is a good choice. I mean he’s safe, practically a kid himself."

"Hey! That’s not fair!" screamed Michael.

"Oh. Come on, Mikey. You own a Comic Book Store and that’s fine. I mean, there’s always a pimply-faced kid around. It makes perfect sense."

"If you play your cards right, you can be Gus’s dad too. I’m outta here!"

"Brian. Wait!" Justin yelled.

"Stay with your family, Justin," Brian demanded

JUSTIN'S POV

 

I felt I should comply with his wishes so I sat down. Shouldn’t I be running after him? Maybe I would if I knew what the fuck just happened? He wouldn’t have wanted to make a baby with Melanie, would he? Maybe it’s because of what’s going to happen tomorrow. God! I wish that tomorrow would just come so we could be done with this. Why can’t we be done with this? Everyone is happy about Michael becoming a father and all I want to do is smack him but then I take a look at Ben’s mother and if looks could kill, we’d be at a wake right about now.

"Are you telling me that you’re going to have a baby with Michael?" Peta asked.

"Yes, Mrs Bruckner. Michael and Ben are about to become parents," beamed Lindsay.

"I thought you told me, Benji, that he was positive. I told you that there was only so much that I could take and am I supposed to sit here all smiles, while you kill that poor boy."

"Mother. It’s not like that. Michael and I love each other very much."

"Debbie. You’re his mother. How can you allow this? I need a minute."

BRIAN'S POV

 

I need a drink. No. I need a smoke. Nope. I need a drink and a smoke. What the fuck is the matter with me? I don’t want to be the father of Mel’s hatchling. It’s just that they didn’t ask me. They didn’t even give me the choice of turning them down. I’m supposed to be able to say ‘hell no’ but nope, they don’t give me that satisfaction. God! Now I’ve stormed out like a stupid, little fag. I can’t be cracking up now. This shit is not going to force me to share my feelings. Share your feelings - that’s what the shrink said last time. Yeah, last time. I was a shy boy of thirteen approaching death and the shrink said ‘share your feelings.’ So I did. What did it get me in the end? Thrown down the stairs ‘cause I wouldn’t die. Fuck! I will not let this get to me.

PETA'S POV

So Benji lied. How could he lie to me, his own mother? I love him but he can’t be with Michael. He has a child on the way and a loving and caring family. I will not let him destroy this. I’m not being cold. I am not but we all know what my Benji’s fate is. There is no cure and there will be no white picket fence for him or Hunter. Their future is literally written in stone. They need to leave this family and let them cope. It’s bad enough that they have Vic but he did the correct thing and he has Rodney. I think that’s what his sister said. He found a nice HIV positive man and they will live a happy life. They can be together and it’ll be perfect. Why can’t my Benji find someone like that and live? There’s the other one. Brian. There’s something off about this one, something about his posture and how he talks to himself. I hear he just did a stint in rehab, maybe he should’ve stayed a little longer. Hopefully he has a smoke. I definitely need one.

"You wouldn’t happen to have a cigarette, would you?" asked Peta.

"Sorry. I’m sort of kicking the habit."

"Oh. So I’m guessing hearing about Michael has really upset you?"

"Not in the way that you would think. I’m the father of Gus. He’s their other child, I guess. I just assumed if they were to have another kid that I’d be that father so the children would be related but you know what they say about people who assume."

"No. I don’t."

"They tend to make an ass out of ‘u and me’."

"Oh. How clever. You’re clever with words. Are you all right?"

"I’m fine. I just need to get Justin and get out of here."

"Aww, the young one. He looks so young. How old is he?

"He’s nineteen."

"Oh. So he’s as young as he looks?"

"Yes, but I don’t need shit from folks I don’t know, so if you would excuse me."

"You don’t have to be so rude."

"Yes. I do, because you’re not giving Mikey a chance. If you gave him a chance then you’d see why your Benji loves him."

"Its not that I don’t like Michael, I really do but there’s things that are right and things that are wrong."

"Oh and I suppose you are the "right" police and because your son is positive, you don’t want him with Michael. That’s bullshit! You’d be in someone’s face if Ben couldn’t have the job that he has because of his HIV status, but now all of a sudden when it comes to fucking you want to say what’s right and what’s wrong. How noble of you. Well I’m with Justin and people have a problem with that. I’ve had Ben and if I wanted to have him again there would be no-one to stop me. Mothers need to stick to minding their own business, and I hope that Ben soon using the balls I know he has and tells you to fu-fu-……"

"Are you all right?"

"Fuck off lady!"

End Notes:
might be the last update until the end of the week so enjoy.
Get A Grip by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
Someone finally learns the secret and someone finally gives Justin a pep talk and realizes that he can do this because he loves Brian.

BRIANS’ POV

Brian didn’t mean to but he drove away from Deb’s without going back to get Justin. Who the fuck did Peta Bruckner think she was? Just another high and mighty bitch who thinks that because she gave birth to someone she has the right to run the life of that child. Joan Kinney with a medical bag, I suppose. God! Mothers - can’t live with them and can’t kill them. This drive will clear my head. Then I’ll go back and get him or he’ll be at the loft. I need to forget…. just for a little while.

Justin sat at the window even though Brian was long gone. He just up and left him but he didn’t blame him. This whole situation is just getting too complicated and Peta Bruckner is a bitch! There’s no other word for her but bitch. I don’t have a problem with Michael and Ben being together and the way she rationalizes things is fucking insane. I have just got to get out of here.

"What did you say, Melanie?"

"I said. Do you want us to give you a ride home? Looks like the asshole gave you the ass and now you have to fend for yourself."

"He’ll be back, Mel. He just needs some time."

"God, Justin. How many more times are you gonna to be this stupid? And we know. Okay?"

"Melanie. Calm down. Justin. You know about the baby, and we don’t know anything. We’ll give you a ride to the loft."

"No, Lindsay. Let her talk. I want to hear what she thinks she knows!"

"We know that he’s sick. The rest of the family might want to act as if it’s just rehab but I saw it once he walked in here. He didn’t even eat his usual. He ate tuna fish casserole and stuck to drinking a lot. We know that he has HIV. When is he going to tell the family? You shouldn’t be with him anymore!"

"Excuse me. What did you just say?"

"I know that you love him, Justin. I understand but Brian has never put you first. His dick getting sucked is always first, and then you, and then lastly, Gus. You deserve so much better. I know that it will be hard on you but you can come and stay with us."

"Melanie. That’s enough! You don’t know anything!"

"Lindz! I thought we were going to stop pretending. We told everyone about the baby and now I’m not holding my tongue about this. He’s sick isn’t he?"

"I don’t think that’s any of your business!"

"Honey. Are you and Brian being safe? Are you safe, sweetheart?"

"I’m fine, Mother. Everything is fine. No-one here has anything to worry about."

"I trust you, sweetie. Do you want me to give you a ride back to the loft?"

"Yes please, Mom. It was a wonderful dinner, Deb. See you next week."

"Justin?"

"You’re right, Mel."

"I knew it, Justin. When did he find out? You have to tell him that we’re here for him and we don’t judge him. Lindz and I want him to spend as much time with Gus as possible. This will be hard for him to come to terms with but……"

"No. You’re right. He doesn’t put me first or even Gus. He puts everyone else first. Including you. He worries about how things will affect you and yours but none of you care about him….."

"Justin, we love…."

"Save it, Lindz! All you worry about is that Brian keeps up the persona that you all know and love - the asshole, but all of you know that he’s not. You all know the real him but you continue to let him be the asshole. God! If you guys knew….. if I just told you … You know what? Forget it. I have to go. Mom. Come on. I need to get to the loft, if that’s where he went."

"Hey Pop. You know I told myself since they day they lowered you down here that it would be a cold day in Hell before I came to see you. But I guess a cold day in November will do. I’ve been having these dreams. You know. You’re doing it to me. I’m not him. Okay. And I’m sorry that I wasn’t him and that I lived. You can’t blame me because he died. You’re my father. You should’ve been happy. You just give false hope and you keep making me doubt myself. You keep making me doubt Justin and I’m doing the right thing. I’m going to make him leave me and we’ll be stronger when it’s all over. I’m gonna beat it again just to spite you. I am."

Brian gave the tombstone a swift kick and then he left the cemetery.

Peta Bruckner walked into the Bruckner house to find it completely dark, but she could make out Ben. He was sitting in the shadows.

"Ben. Are you…?"

"Alright? I don’t know, Mother. How do you expect me to be after what just happened?"

"Ben. I meant no harm. It’s just that I’m your mother and I know what’s best for you."

"You know what’s best for me! You can’t know because if you did, you’d give Michael a chance."

"Ben. Michael is a lovely, young man and he’s about to be a father. Don’t you realize that what you’re doing is wrong. That by staying with him you’re only making matters worse."

"You know, Mom. You and I have always been able to get along, and I’ve been sitting here trying to stay calm and keep my temper at bay. I love you and I want you to stay here with my family so I’m giving you this chance. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you feel that Michael and I shouldn’t be together? Make me understand, please."

"When I arrived at the airport and I saw you and him together I could feel it, you know. The love. It radiates from you both like the sun. I was so happy that my Benji had found himself someone real. Not like the asshole that gave you this thing and then left you like this!"

"He’s dead, Mother!"

"Exactly. He’s dead. He got away with killing my son and to me it’s like he didn’t care. It seems to me that if he gave this to you, that when you found out, he should’ve stayed with you. No matter what problems the two of you had, he should have stayed with you."

"You can’t be with someone because it’s convenient. There has to be love."

"Michael loves you. He hangs on every word you say, and the two of you and Hunter make the perfect family. I love it. I’m glad that you’re happy. When I thought he was positive it was perfect."

"Perfect?"

"Yes, Ben. It was perfect. The three of you would take care of each other. You knew the disease. You knew what to expect. Then when one of you died, it would be accepted because you’d come to terms with it. Of course you would mourn but then there’d be two and you’d comfort each other. In the end Hunter would probably be the last to go but I’d be there for him. I know that sounds crazy but there would be no casualties. Of course I would mourn and Debbie would too but that would be that. But now it’s different and it’s not right."

"Mother. Michael loves me!"

"Exactly! He loves you. Right now you’re healthy and I thank God every day that you’re healthy. It could be years before your time comes but it’s coming. You know that you and Michael are not forever. He’s about to have a baby and she’ll love you because it’s so easy to love you, Ben. She’ll love you and the girls already said that you’ll be her papa. Then you’ll die and it’ll kill her inside. First she’ll lose her Uncle Vic who I assume will be like a grandpa and she’ll wonder why. Then she’ll lose you and that will be like losing a father, then her brother. In the end it’ll just be her and Michael but she’ll have another side of the family. All that will be left is Michael here alone in this house with all the memories."

"I love him, Mother!"

"I know you do, but is this the life you want for him? Sitting around here wondering if he’ll get five or maybe ten years with you. Is that what you want?"

"Yes!"

"Then you’re selfish! You left me and I sit in that house and see your father everywhere and I still smell his cologne, as well as yours. I know that it’s only a matter of time before you leave me and then what will I have? I won’t have anyone. I can’t take it, Benji! I don’t want Michael to feel alone. I don’t want to look in his eyes and see and feel how I feel right now. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy!"

Peta couldn’t hold it in any longer. She was hysterical. She tried not to cry but she wanted her son to see that she wasn’t being heartless or cruel. She was alone, back in Maine and she knew how the whispers of the past could creep up on you. She didn’t want Michael to feel the pain that she felt now. She could feel Ben’s arms wrap around her as he soothed her tears. She could feel his heartbeat. It was strong and steady. He was there alive and as well as he could be.

"I love you, Benji. Please tell me you understand."

"I love you too Mother, but you must understand that I love Michael as well. We deserve to be together. I belong with him. Now don’t make me choose. Because as you said I don’t have forever but my forever is with Michael and I would like for you to be there. If it comes to me having to choose, then well, you’ll always be in my heart."

Peta hugged her son tighter. She had to get this out in the open because she knew that as long as she felt this way that things wouldn’t be good between them. She was glad she had this talk with him. Even though she could understand where he was coming from, she was thinking of Michael. She would talk to him and maybe she would be able to get him to understand.

Brian slid the heavy door back and entered the loft. He looked around and was glad that Justin wasn’t there. When he came back from seeing his father he stopped by a bar and paid the bartender extra for a bottle of "Jim Beam." Then he went to the park and got wasted. He chose the park because he could easily walk back to the loft, but in the end he drove the corvette back. Yes, Justin would be pissed, but tomorrow they were going to cut him open so it didn’t matter if he drank. Tomorrow he probably wouldn’t be able to talk, so fuck it.

He could feel the pain winning over the buzz of the liquor so he quickly walked to the bathroom and got out a syringe with his prescription medication. Liquid and into the vein. Yep. Perfect, so he didn’t have to swallow it. As he injected himself with the "good shit" he wondered if this high was anything like the high of a heroin addict. Oh well, he would be asleep before Justin came home and he wouldn’t have to be disappointed in the fact that he’d been drinking. He decided the next thing he needed to take care of was his smell. He walked into the bathroom and threw the used needle in the biohazard bin that Claire had brought over and turned on the shower.

He felt the water and it was really hot. He decided the hotter the better. Maybe it would help him sober up quicker and then he’d drink some coffee. He looked at the clock. It was after ten. He had a little less than two hours before his cutoff from food and liquids so that would help him sober up. He took off all his clothes and right before he was about to get in the shower he took a look at himself in the mirror. He was still young and beautiful and he decided that he was going to beat this shit. Fuck Cancer! he told his reflection, and fuck you too, Jack!

He looked to his left and saw the vial the doctor had prescribed. He was so happy that they had put it in solvent form so he could take it as a shot because swallowing the pills was a bitch. He filled the syringe from the box under the sink with his correct dosage and found the vein. He closed his eyes as he stuck himself. He hated needles - that’s why he’d never be a heroin addict. His mind felt fuzzy, like he was missing something important.

Oh, the water! he thought.

He checked the water and it was still hot. He felt woozy and thought it was indeed some good shit, that he’d better make it quick because the medication was making him drowsy, and he didn’t want to slip in the shower. He stomped the release of the trashcan with his foot and that’s when he saw it. Another syringe. That’s when he realized that he’d already had his dosage.

Well, fuck me! he thought as his body hit the floor.

Justin had been trying to get rid of his mother the whole ride back to the loft, but no, she was being nosy, as usual. First she asked if he wanted to stop and have a coffee which he did. He thought that maybe Brian needed a little time to be alone and he would give him that time. So they talked. Well, more like his mother fished for answers and he didn’t give them to her. So now they were riding the lift to the top floor and she was right behind him.

"Mom, listen. Brian is probably upset and he’ll probably want to brood so I’ll see you tomorrow."

"No. I’m coming in. There’s something the matter and you guys are going to tell me."

Justin was getting really tired of everyone wanting to mind his business so he just gave up. He’d let her in and Brian could go tell her to "fuck off" like he so wanted to. They entered and the loft felt strange. It was eerily dark.

"Justin. Why is it so dark in here?"

"Brian gets really bad migraines so maybe he just needed the lights off."

"OK honey, then maybe I’ll leave."

"Good. Thanks Mom for understanding."

"Could I use the bathroom first, Justin? It’s a long drive home."

"Sure, Mom. Just be quiet. He even has the lights off over the bed so he’s probably asleep."

"Okay. Thanks again."

Justin found himself feeling hungry, so he opened the fridge and got out some "Eggo Waffles" and decided there was nothing better than breakfast as a very late dinner. He had just begun to butter his waffles when he heard his mother screaming from the bathroom.

"You had no right!"

"Excuse me. What the fuck do you mean I had no right, Lindsay?"

"Ambushing Justin like that, bringing up what you think you know about Brian. I didn’t see you saying anything when he was in there with us."

"No. You waited until he was gone. Why? ‘Cause you’re a fucking coward."

"I’m no coward. If I’d been given the chance I would have asked him right to his face. That way he wouldn’t have been able to lie but I didn’t get the chance. He’d already stormed out, making us think he wanted to be my baby’s father. Please. If I had anything to say about anything he wouldn’t be Gus’s."

"He’s not or have you forgotten?

"Excuse me?"

"Oh. You spat about how Brian is an ass and he’s uncaring but have you noticed that he gave you Gus. If he wasn’t Gus’s father then he wouldn’t be Gus. He’s not Gus’s father, you are. He’s nothing to Gus but then he gives us anything we want. All we have to do is ask. But you, what has happened to you, Melanie?"

"The fog has been lifted. I’ve been liberated. I’m tired of Kinney’s shit."

"I just don’t know. What has happened to you, Melanie?

"Where are you going? Put Gus’s things down."

"My son and I are going to a hotel!"

"Don’t do this, Lindz. Babe, don’t let Brian come between us.

"Brian has nothing to do with this. There’s something wrong with you. I’ll be back in the morning. Hopefully you’ll have come to your senses by then."

JENNIFER’S POV

Okay. To say that I don’t understand what the hell is going on is an understatement. First off I just needed to go to the rest room. I didn’t think that I would find my son’s boyfriend lying on the floor, naked. His breathing was shallow when I called Justin and when he came in and saw him I thought he’d die. He didn’t panic like I thought he would. He just told me to call 911.

The ambulance came and then he told the paramedics all the medication that Brian was on. I was trying to remember if any of them were from Vic’s cocktail and none of them were, from what I could remember. I believed my son when he said that Brian didn’t have it. Before the ambulance arrived we’d managed to get some sweats on Brian. It was very weird. He was saying crazy stuff like he was sorry and he loved his sunshine and if he had a mother he would want it to be like Jennifer. He was barely conscious but it helped Justin a lot when he saw those beautiful hazel eyes open.

We’re in a hospital room. Brian is drifting. He’s trying to keep his eyes open but Justin told him to go to sleep, that he’d be there in the morning. It nearly broke my heart when I heard a low "you promise?" Brian was asking if he promised to be there? What the Hell was going on? Brian’s sister Claire arrives and Justin motions for me to come outside and I oblige. Maybe now I’ll get answers.

"Thanks, mom, for staying but you can leave now."

"Oh no you don’t, Justin. Tell me what’s going on - now!"

"Mom. Brian’s sick."

"Sick? What do you mean? You mean Melanie was….."

"No, Mother. Brian doesn’t have HIV. Remember when I told you he had that sore throat?"

"Yes. I gave you the recipe for the broth."

"Yeah. Well, he went to the doctor and they found something and tomorrow, well tomorrow they’re gonna cut him open. When it’s over mom he may not be able to talk. He might have a huge stoma, and he might die and God, Mom I jus…."

"Justin. Get a grip!"

"What?"

"Get a grip! You’re falling apart and this is not the time to fall apart."

"I know I am Mom but I’m glad that Claire came. When I’m sure he’s asleep I’m going to leave."

"Excuse me?"

"I can’t take this. I know that I’m being a coward and that’s wrong but I guess I can’t wait around and watch the man I love go through this."

"You can and you will."

"But Mom."

"Don’t Justin. I know that this is scary. I know that you’re afraid but you will do for him what he did for you."

"Yeah I was in a hospital in a fucking coma and he was in a backroom getting his dick sucked!"

"Justin. When you were in that coma I told Brian not to come back to the hospital."

"What?"

"I was stupid, Okay. When I saw him sitting there covered in your blood I thought that he was there out of guilt and not love. I was confused. Don’t blame me. I made a mistake."

"But still, Mom. If he wanted to be there he would’ve been there. Nobody tells Brian Fucking Kinney what to do."

"You’re right and they don’t."

"What?"

"A few nights after that first night, I told him not to come back. I came in early because it looked like you might be coming around and there he was in front of the window in a chair. He was asleep. I asked Janet, the night nurse. You remember her?"

"Yeah. I remember, Mom. What are you telling me?"

"She told me that he came every night. He’d come around one and he’d stay until about five. She said that sometimes he would come in his street clothes and bring a bag with him. She guessed it was his clothes for work and then he’d leave dressed for the office. She said every night she could see the uncertainty on his face wondering if he should go in or not. That when you were having your nightmares she could see that he wanted to go in but he was afraid."

"Are you telling me he came to see me every night?"

"Yes."

"You’re telling me this now! Don’t you realize that if I’d known this I would have never gone with Ethan!"

"Don’t blame that guy on me. You were acting out, because you didn’t think you had what you needed in Brian and I realize that now it’s my fault. Brian was willing to take you right back when you were released from the hospital but once again I told him to stay away. I was such a fool. Then you had your moment at the house and I freaked and went to the loft and he was there and I told him to take you back."

"So that’s why I went to live at the loft. You made him take me! You got rid of your burden?"

"Justin you go and on about how this man loves you and he does. That’s why he took you - because he loves you. He gave me my baby back and now it’s your turn."

"I don’t think I can."

"He told me that you were the strongest man that he knows. That you made him want to be better."

"He said that to you?"

"Not in those words but I’m learning Brian-speak. You have to watch him. He’s all bullshit with what he says but you have to pay attention to what he does. He loves you and he loves you a lot. Now you’re going to wipe your eyes, stand tall, my dear and you are going in there to hold his hand. You’re going to be whatever he needs you to be. If he needs to scream, let him. Let him cry, be there for him. He let you lean on him and now, my boy you’re going to be there for him."

"You really have that much faith in me?"

"Yes and he does too. That’s why he told you he loved you, because he needed you to be there for him."

"Okay. You’re right, Mom. I can do this."

"Good. Now let’s go back in."

"No Mom, you’re right. I can handle this. You can go on home."

"I will but I just want to see him and make sure he’s alright."

"You love him, don’t you?"

"He grows on you and besides he’s my son-in-law."

Claire looked at the sleeping form before her and she could feel the tears. She would not do this. She was a professional. Besides she had her cry after the service with her mother. God! She hated that woman. All through dinner she talked about Brian and ‘his boy.’ How she caught Brian and ‘his boy.’ It made her sick to her stomach. ‘Lover,’ Mother! Justin is Brian’s lover. I like a sleeping Brian. He’s handsome when he’s asleep. When he’s awake he’s always broody. I like him this way. He’s beautiful.

Jennifer Taylor walked back into Brian’s room and said her hellos to Claire and approached the bed of the sleeping man. She looked down and then she saw it. When he was asleep his guard was down and she got to see his true face. He was a beautiful man. She just hoped he’d be okay. He was relaxed and she saw it. There was a small lump on his throat. It made her shudder involuntarily and she brushed the piece of hair from over his eye and kissed his cheek. His eyes shot open and he looked at her alarmed.

"Don’t you worry, I won’t tell anyone your secret, you just get better."

"Jen, you and Justin should……"

"Justin and I will do nothing. I’m going home to my daughter. Justin will be my eyes and ears and keep me posted about tomorrow. I’ll come by in the afternoon to check on you."

"But…"

"But nothing. Sleep now, you look like shit."

Brian was about to say something but she smiled at him. She smiled at him and he saw exactly where Sunshine got it from. He closed his eyes and let the drugs take him. He could do this. He had someone on his side. He had Justin, and apparently he came with a cheerleader named Jennifer Taylor

Let Go by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
The surgery is done.  now it's time to let go

Lindsay Peterson woke up Monday morning and for a minute she had no idea where she was. It took a few minutes for her eyes to focus and then she realized that she was in a hotel. She had finally put Melanie in her place but really, what good did that do? Melanie still had zero tolerance when it came to Brian. There was something up though, something big. She would drop Gus off at daycare. Today was her day to find out the truth. Justin, Brian, someone was going to tell her what the fuck was going on.

Hunter carefully stocked the shelves at the Liberty Avenue Hospice, being careful not to knock over the newly-added cans of soup. He was shocked by who he just saw walk through the door. It was his grandmother. She was acting strangely and she kept looking around as if she thought someone was watching her. He watched her go into the first room at the top of the stairs. That was Anderson Brookes’ room. He was a new arrival. He was really nice but as far he knew he didn’t have any family. Maybe Peta was volunteering for the hospital. Oh well, he’d ask Ben later.

Peta walked over to the bed and took the hand of the sleeping man. His skin was so warm and despite the fact that he was dying, he was still beautiful. The touch of her skin against him caused him to awaken.

"What are you doing here?"

"Where do you think I’d be? I had to see you."

"Where is he? Is Ben with you?"

"Ander, there’s a few things that you and I need to get straight first."

"I told you. I don’t want you here!"

"Ander, I love you. Why don’t you want me here to take care of you?"

"Move on, Peta. I’m bad news."

"No, you’re not. You just made a couple of bad mistakes but we can be together now."

"I’m dying, Peta!"

"Bring Ben or not but you have to go".

"I’m your wife. You can’t just make me go".

"According to the state your husband is dead. Now get the fuck away from here".

"Please Peta, just go".

"Fine, but I’ll be back".

Peta ran from the hospice. How could Ander do this? Didn’t he realize that she loved him? He had made mistakes and he had left her more than once, but he was still the man she loved, the man she had always loved. God! No-one deserved to feel like this. She would make sure that Michael never felt like this. She’d bring him here. She’d tell him her secret and then he’d understand and make the right decision.

"If you keep walking back and forth, you’re going to wear a hole in the floor," scolded Jennifer.

"Mom. I don’t know. Hasn’t it been too long?" They said that it was going to be about an hour and a half. It’s been longer than that, don’t you think?"

"It’s only been about two hours and you look awful. Why don’t you go home and get changed? He shouldn’t see you like this."

"You’ll tell him that I just went home to change, right? Tell him that I’ll be right back, Mom. You will won’t you, Mom?"

"Yes. Now go. The quicker you go, the sooner you can get back".

Jennifer knew that she had to get him away from there. He was going crazy and she knew that he would take a long time making sure he wore just the right thing for Brian. That way she could be there when Brian came out, so she could see him and then determine how her son would take it.

Breaking and entering. Was it really breaking and entering when you’re breaking into the home of the person who taught you to pick a lock? That’s what Lindsay thought as she picked the lock to the loft. She walked in and stopped dead in her tracks. What the fuck?

Brian’s furniture had all been pushed back and now there was a large, open space in the center of the room. What the fuck was it for? Right on cue the buzzer to the apartment went off.

"Yeah?"

"Is this the Kinney residence?" I got a delivery for a Brian Kinney?"

"Yeah. This is the right place. Come on up. It’s the top floor."

Lindsay waited patiently as the guys brought up whatever it was they were delivering. Maybe Brian was getting a bigger television. He had his smaller set for a while so maybe he had decided to splurge a little. She was snapped out of her thoughts by the delivery man asking her to open the door wider. When she saw what they were wheeling in she thought she’d faint from shock right there.

Really, Jennifer was no better than her son. She had stopped him from pacing back and forth and now here she was doing the same thing. Claire had gone down to get some lunch before Brian came back because she was going to stay with him for as long as he needed. Then she heard the click of the door and they wheeled the bed that contained Brian’s sleeping form inside.

She listened as they told her that the surgery was a success. They told her they had to make an incision and now he was going to have a temporary stoma. It would be in for a week, tops and then they would remove it. Brian would do all his breathing through it, and sneezing and he wouldn’t be eating so they inserted a feeding tube.

"Shouldn’t he be awake? I was told he wouldn’t be coming back to the room until he was awake?"

"He’ll be awake soon and then his doctor - Dr Lopez, will be in to explain everything you need to know about your son, Mrs Kinney."

"Oh. I’m not his…. Yes, of course. I’ll be awaiting her arrival."

Jennifer was about to tell them that she wasn’t Brian’s mother but she looked down and he was staring at her, or should she say through her.

"Welcome back, Mr Kinney. I’m your nurse, Shannon. If you need anything just buzz, but I should tell you now that you will not be able to speak for a while. If you need me I’ll come just as soon as you buzz me. I’ll give you time with your mother."

"Look at you. You look good."

Brian was panick-stricken. The only thing he picked up on was when the nurse said he wouldn’t be able to talk, and then he felt his throat. He felt the small incision in his throat.

"It’s fine. There’s no need for you to worry. You’re going to be just fine."

Brian mouthed the words "Where’s Justin?"

"He went home to change. He wanted to look his best for you."

Jennifer could see that Brian was agitated, that he surely was about to come loose at the seams. So she knew what she had to do.

"Listen. I sent Justin away and Claire went down to get some lunch. So whatever you need to do, let’s get it out of the way now."

Brian looked at her, puzzled.

"You need to let your emotions take over. I know that you’re afraid. It’s only natural. Now I told him that he had to be strong. Now what I want you to do is cry. Scream. Do whatever you need to do now because I don’t care. I’m a mother so I’ve seen it all. But when Claire comes back you have to let her know that you’ve not given up. When Justin comes back he’s going to show you that he can be strong for you and you can’t get rid of him. Now I’m going to sit here and hold your hand and you let go."

Brian lay there holding the hand of a woman who, a year ago he could have sworn, hated him. Now, well now, things were just so different. This woman was there holding his hand, giving him a pep talk and giving him strength. She knew that he was seconds away from breaking and she had sent away the two people that she knew he wouldn’t cry in front of and given him a way to lose control. What was even better in a way was the fact that he couldn’t speak. Tears ran down his face the whole time that he ‘let go’ because it literally hurt doing so. Jennifer was there telling him that everything would be all right and finally, he realized it would indeed.

Justin didn’t know exactly what he was going to wear but he knew that it was going to be something blue. Brian loved him in blue and he was going to find something to make his eyes sparkle just the way he liked them. He opened the door and he was stunned at what he found inside.

Lindsay didn’t really know how this happened. First the guys came in with the hospital bed and explained how it worked. She was surprised by the size. It was big enough for two. Of course it would be so Justin could crawl in with him. That just set her off. She went around the house looking for something to give her a clue as to what was going on with Brian. She found an IV stand, some solutions she didn’t know what they were for, some medication she didn’t want to know anything about and syringes. There were syringes everywhere for every kind of injection. She found baby food and shake mix but the thing to send her over the edge was the cancer research she found printed beside his computer.

Brian had cancer and that was his secret. She didn’t care if it was curable or if he was going to die - all she knew was that ‘her’ Brian wasn’t going to be the same and she snapped. Before she realized it she had stripped the bed and thrown the IV stand through an already broken mirror in the bathroom. Then she lost it and went around screaming and throwing everything in sight. That’s when Justin found her - standing in the middle of the space, sitting with one of Brian’s shirts in her hand.

"What are you doing here, you freak?" Asked Justin

"Lindsay?"

"Tell me it’s you, Justin. Tell me there’s something wrong with you."

"Lindsay, I’m so sorry I….."

"You’re sorry. You’re fucking sorry! Was he going to tell me?"

"I don’t know. I wanted him to but I just don’t know."

"Is he? Oh God! Is he going to die?"

Justin didn’t know what to do. He had never seen Lindsay like this. She was scared and she wanted to know if the man that she loved was going to die. He could see it. She felt just like he did. So he did for her what he wanted her to do for him. He grabbed her and hugged her close, telling her everything was going to be okay.

"Is it bad, Justin?"

"Yeah. But don’t worry I’m going to take care of him."

"Good. The two of you are good for each other. You do know he loves you, right?"

"Yeah and I love him"

"Good. I’m not afraid because I know he has you."

"Yeah, he has me."

Secrets Revealed by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
A Simple Chapter that i hope you guys like.

MELANIE POV

Melanie Marcus sat in her office looking at the framed picture on her desk. It was a family portrait and for the longest time she said she hated it. She was thrilled with Lindsay’s idea until he showed up for the family portrait session in his best ‘Armani’ suit with a hateful smirk on his face. He only did it to be mean. He didn’t really want to be a part of Gus’s life. He just did little things to get on my nerves. Lindsay invited him out of courtesy but he came just to spite me. Her assistant brought in some papers and there was a note attached to the first batch that gave her a funny feeling.

"Dear Melanie

I’m going out of town for a while and I will be unreachable. If it’s a real emergency contact Justin and he will know where to find me. I’m away on business. Don’t worry. With the Trust that I set up for Gus he should be okay. I’ll still be sending the monthly check only they’ll be delivered by Justin, instead of me.

Enclosed are the changes to my will. As my lawyer it’s your job to make sure that they are taken care of. You can’t tell anyone what’s in this letter or I’ll have your ass. So I’ll just tell you that there’s some changes that have to be made but they’re not the changes that you assume. I’m not dying. Well, at least not anytime soon so cancel that party. So make the changes. Got it!

Now on to new business. I want to set up another Trust Fund for your kid. Don’t get all happy because I’m not doing this for you or your kid, I’m doing it for Mikey. He works hard and he’ll do all that he can but in the end he won’t be able to provide for the kid like he wants. So this is my gift. You can tell him and only him. If he chooses to tell anyone then that’s up to him, but for now it doesn’t go past him. Got it?

Now for the shock of the century! I want to say something to you. This is also between client and attorney, but hey, who would believe you if you told them. Right? Thank you. Gus is a great kid and I know that it’s because of you and Lindz. I drop in from time to time and I give him my money but I know that I did the right thing in giving him to you. You made sure that he didn’t turn out like me and I know you’ll always do that. Thanks. You’re a great dad.

And close your mouth!

Brian A Kinney"

Melanie indeed had to close her mouth after reading this. What the fuck was going on? There was really something wrong with Brian but it wasn’t what she thought. She picked up her phone and dialed Lindsay’s number. It went straight to voice mail. She thought to herself that maybe when Lindsay got back, she would finally have her answers.

Lindsay sat in the back booth of the diner trying to calm herself. She knew she must look nuts because she knew she was crying. She looked around and thank god for small favors, none of the gang or Debbie seemed to be there. What was she going to do? Brian had cancer. Her Brian, the father of her child, her life, the only man she ever loved. The only man she could ever love. What was going to happen now? She had to keep this secret. She wouldn’t tell a soul but nothing was going to stop her from being there for Brian. Nothing.

When Brian opened his eyes he was startled because he didn’t know where he was. He looked around at his surroundings and found that he was home but he wasn’t in his bed. He looked down and saw that it was the bed that Claire had ordered for him. It was huge - just like she said it would be. He turned to his left and asleep beside him was Justin. He wasn’t even afraid of the stoma or the IV. He was curled up around him. Not like he normally was when he’d wake up and Justin would be snuggled up to him, resting on his chest. One of Justin’s arms was wrapped securely around his waist and he had slid up in the bed and had Brian’s head cradled under his neck. He was holding him and that made Brian happy.

Claire came around the corner with the essentials she would need to help Brian with his bath. He had slept all day which she supposed was good. The ambulance ride back to the loft was made without them being noticed by any neighbors. Brian had a back entrance to the building so no-one knew that he had arrived by ambulance. She walked over and he was awake, looking around.

"Good afternoon, sleepyhead, or should I say good evening."

Brian took the notepad from beside the bed and wrote: "What time is it?"

"It’s around ten. Now I’m going to help you with your bath or would you prefer Justin to do it?"

"How long has he been asleep?"

"About an hour, but I’m supposed to wake him when you’re awake. How do you feel?"

"What happened?"

"The mass was bigger than expected and they had to cut deeper. That’s why you have the stoma but tomorrow I’ll remove the tubing. You still won’t be able to talk until it heals."

"Will I be able to talk when this is over? I thought I was supposed to meet with the doctor?"

"You are. She’s going to make a house call tonight."

"Kind of late, don’t you think?"

"She only agreed for you to be in my care at home if you got plenty of rest. Now be honest with me, how do you feel?"

"It hurts but I don’t want him to know."

"Well, let me give you something to help with that problem and you can rest for a while. Give me that. No more writing for you."

When Claire walked back with the syringe and she put it in the IV Brian smiled and mouthed "thank you."

"Anytime, little brother."

PETA’S POV

Peta looked at her watch. She was supposed to be at the old warehouse over on Tremont forty minutes ago but she was waiting on Michael. He had agreed to meet her at the hospice but here he was being late. She would show him Ander and explain a few things to him and then he’d understand where she was coming from and he’d leave. She looked through the glass window leading into Ander’s room. Anderson Brookes had a few more months to live but he hadn’t lost his looks and was still handsome. How could he be so careless and let this happen to him? God! If he would have just stayed with her that last time….

"Why am I here, Mrs. Bruckner?"

"Michael. I was almost afraid that you weren’t going to show. We don’t have much time."

"What’s going on? Are you sick?"

"Michael, do you see that man in there?"

Michael looked through the window and was stunned at what he saw. He knew that face. That was the face of Anderson Bruckner but he was dead. Right?

"What the hell is going on here?"

"That’s Anderson and he’s Ben’s father. He will tell you why you need to leave his son."

"Excuse me? Have we not had this discussion already?"

"Give him ten minutes of your time and I promise when it’s over I’ll be done with it."

"Really?"

"After he explains everything to you and when this is all over you still want to be with Ben, then I’m fine with it."

"Okay, fine. Let’s go."

"You go on in. There somewhere else I have to be. I’ll be back, though."

MELANIE’S POV

Melanie didn’t know where to begin. She wanted to tell Lindsay about what Brian had told her but she couldn’t because it was privileged. She did want her to know that she was going to back off for a while. He couldn’t be too sick if he was going away on business. She could tell Lindz that part. Maybe that would help her feel better and she would let her know if she had found anything out. She slid beneath the covers with her lover and tried to start a conversation.

"I’m glad that you decided to stay here tonight."

"Where else was there to go? Gus didn’t like the hotel too much."

"I talked to Brian today. He’s going away on business."

"When did you talk to Brian? How did he sound?"

"I didn’t really talk to him. He sent me a message."

"What’s the matter, babe?"

"Nothing, Mel. I was just trying to get in touch with him today and couldn’t, that’s all."

"Well, I’m glad that you’re here. There’s always tomorrow."

"Yeah, tomorrow." Lindsay whispered as she snuggled closer to her wife, trying her best not to cry.

PETA’S POV

Peta Bruckner had never heard of something as unorthodox as this - a house call to someone’s house at almost midnight. Well, the midnight was her fault but he understood and told her to come right over. He would be shocked because his doctor was a ‘Peter Lopez’ as far as he knew. But she always practiced under her maiden name and her name was mistakenly written as ‘Peter’ when it was ‘Peta.’ Their mistake. What she thought was crazy was that the guy’s name was ‘Jordan Meyers.’ When she first looked over the papers on the plane that name meant nothing but now she knew that it was the real name of ‘Captain Astro.’ So it was obviously an alias. When she realized where this person lived she thought that there may be an actor behind this door. Would she see him from this moment on television and think ‘I saved his life’? I gave Brad Pitt his voice back." That would be so cool. She waited for the door to open and when it did she could only say the first thing that came out of her mouth. "Oh shit."

"Oh shit." Those words had slipped from Justin’s mouth when he saw who was on the other side.

"Mrs Bruckner, can I help you with something?"

"Yeah, I must have the wrong place. I’m supposed to be meeting a ‘Jordan Meyers’ here."

"Dr. Peter Lopez?"

"Yeah, talk about typos."

"Everything you say and do here is confidential. Right? I mean, you can’t go back and tell who you’ve seen here or what you’ve done?"

"Of course not. What’s going on?"

Peta was pulled inside by Justin only to spot the one and only Brian Kinney, sleeping soundly in the biggest hospital bed she had ever seen. She thought to herself how so much made sense now - the way he carried himself, the speech problem and the ‘Jordan Meyers’ reference. God, she had to save the best friend of her son’s boyfriend. She had to and she would now that she understood.

Michael was on edge and afraid. He was very afraid. It had been two days since Ben’s mother had taken him to that hospice and he had met Ben’s father. Ben’s dead father. How had all of this happened so fast? At the beginning of the month he was keeping the secret that he was HIV negative and here he was now keeping the secret that his lover’s dead father wasn’t dead. He wasn’t dead. He’d seen pictures of Ben in his ‘funeral suit’ on the day of the funeral. How the heck was he going to keep this secret? He wasn’t his mother and sure as hell wasn’t Brian. Lying just didn’t come that easily to him. Yeah, the truth would be out soon.

"I’m sorry, Ben. Did you say something?"

"Yeah, you’ve been weird the past couple of days. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I’m fine. Hey, did Brian ever return my phone call?"

"No, but I saw Justin yesterday. He said he was in Georgia on business."

"Oh well, I better get to work."

"See you later."

Michael practically ran from the place. Oh yeah, it wouldn’t be long now. He was a shit for lying.

"You did what!"

"I told him that what he had with Ben was real and that he should fight for it."

"Are you getting a kick out of ripping out my heart, Ander?"

"I’m not doing that Peta and are you going to even tell him I’m here?"

"I don’t know. You preach about how I shouldn’t be with you. You have fifty thousand reasons why but when I send in Michael for you to share them with, all of a sudden you want him to fight."

"What he and Benji have is different from what we have."

"You’re right. It is. Michael loves Ben but I’m starting to believe that you just enjoy playing with my emotions."

"Peta, I love you. But I’m a deadbeat. I’m a moron. I’m not a good man. I’m dying and you don’t need to be here holding my hand. I don’t deserve that."

"Do you think I’m just supposed to cut the love off? I just can’t stop loving you because you tell me to?"

"No, you can’t. Now ask yourself. Do you think Ben can stop loving Michael because he’s healthy?"

"There’s someplace I have to be. I have to go."

"Good and stop coming here. If you’re going to tell Benji then come back with him, but if you’re not, forget my address."

"I love you too, Ander."

JUSTIN’S POV

Okay. I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this because I can. So he’s upset. They cut a hole in his neck and now he may never speak again. Hell, I’d be upset too. It’s only right for him to be upset. So he threw a couple of things, broke a couple of things and wrote me a very long, threatening note. But do you realize that it’s hard for a letter to be threatening? In the old days Brian could just raise an eyebrow and scare me shitless but now he doesn’t even bother. Do you know how hard it is to pretend that a threatening note has you scared? Nope, it just doesn’t hold the same horror in it.

"Did that make you feel better?"

"What the fuck do you think?" Brian scribbled on a piece of paper.

"If you don’t at least try it then the feeding tube stays.

"It fucking tastes like shit!" he mouthed quickly but I could still read his lips.

"Listen. I know what this is all about. I know it hurts but it’s going to get better."

"Yeah, sure it is. It’ll get better and then I’ll die."

"No! You’re going great with the radiation. I mean look at you. You haven’t vomited since you’ve been back."

Right on cue Brian ran for the bathroom and began to vomit. Justin hated to see it. Vomiting was always a strain on the throat but having just had surgery, every heave strains the muscles and the chords trying to heal. Sometimes a little blood might come up but I’m used to that by now. Sometimes he cries. Now that’s what gets to me.

"Look at me!" Brian thought. "I’m fucking disgusting. I’m throwing up in the toilet while my lover stands here with a wet wash cloth. I know that I disgust him. I want him to leave. God! I just wish he’d open the door and run for the hills, but if he did that I think I’d roll over and die. He’s why I’m going through this. He and Gus are my everything. I do this for him. If I look up and he’s crying I’m not going to be able to take it! I haven’t seen him cry yet but he has to be crying right?

Brian looked up and all he saw on Justin’s face was concern. He flushed, and then he took the cloth that he was holding and wiped his brow and his neck. It felt so good ‘cause the cloth was so cold, and he was so hot.

"Do you feel better?"

"Yes" Brian mouthed and he gave Justin a smile.

"Come on. I’ll help you to bed and you can try the soup before Claire comes back and forces it down your throat."

Brian thought about that for a minute and he knew she would do it.

"Okay." he said

Justin helped his lover off the floor and into bed. He kissed him and watched him relax on the pillows. He could do this. He could so take care of his man.

 

 

 

 

 

Secrets and Allegations by Galesgal
Author's Notes:
More people learn the secret, and a tragedy happens.

Six Weeks Later

JUSTIN’S POV

Justin couldn’t help himself. He had just started his third drawing of Brian. Brian was even hotter now. He’d heard about people getting cancer and their medication making them sickly and skinny but that didn’t happen with Brian. It made him bulkier. He was on steroids and vitamins, trying to help his body stay healthy. He still had the feeding tube and as of last week he stopped going to his vocal coach who said that his voice just wasn’t there. Brian didn’t have a voice, he would never speak again. I just don’t believe that but I’m scared. The thing about it is - he’s not. He smiles at me and snuggles with me. We fight like we used to and we fuck like crazy.

The other medication Brian is taking has sent his libido through the roof. We’ve fucked everywhere in this place now, and don’t get me started on the fun we’ve had in this hospital bed. It’s so big that I can’t sleep if he’s not beside me in the bed. He has nightmares though and that has me scared as well. Ten more radiation treatments and then it looks like he might need chemotherapy. Brian found that out a couple days ago and he cut off almost all his hair.

If Deb could see him she’d think he was so handsome. He looks hot in sweatshirts now. He saw me wearing this sweatshirt that I had made the other day. It has Winnie the Pooh on it and instead of saying ‘Oh Shit,’ it says ‘Oh Pooh.’ I’m secretly having him one of his own made because I love it. It’s extra big and it’s like a warm blanket. Justin was wrenched from his thoughts by a sound from Brian that brought tears to his eyes.

Brian sat bolt upright in the bed. These dreams were really being a bitch. This time it was his dad and his Uncle Brian chasing him through a forest and Justin was there taunting him. He would try to scream but nothing would come out. He ran to Justin thinking he was going to help and instead he ripped his throat right from his body. God, he was going to crazy he knew it. When he looked at the foot of the bed he was shocked to see Justin sitting there with tears in his eyes.

"What?" Brian mouthed.

"You said my name out loud Brian. You fucking said my name."

LINDSAY’S POV

Lindsay sat in the little coffee shop awaiting Ben’s mother and her weekly update on Brian. She wanted to go over to the loft but Justin told her that it was for the best and she knew that Brian would be furious if she knew that he was sick. So she met with Peta every week and she would tell him how Brian was doing. She looked at her watch and Peta was twenty minutes late. She really needed to get home to Melanie who was getting suspicious. She would give her a few more minutes and then she would have to call her.

Melanie Marcus stood across the street looking at her "loving" wife. She knew it. Lindsay had found someone else. She kept asking her if she looked disgusting and she would tell her how beautiful she was, but truth be told she hadn’t made love with her wife since she had started showing. God, she couldn’t take it. She would not stand there and wait for her to meet her lover. She would go home and wait and then tell her where she’d been. She took out her camera and snapped a picture.

MICHAEL’S POV

"You have to tell him." Michael pleaded.

"I don’t know. He already thinks that his father is dead. He’s already mourned him."

"He thinks that I’m acting strangely. I’m not like you. I can’t keep it up much longer."

"Are you telling me that I’m good at lying, Michael?"

"Mrs Bruckner, I know that you don’t approve of me being with your son, yet you want to be with your husband and you don’t see how it’s the same thing. You have until tonight to tell him or I tell him myself!"

"You wouldn’t dare!"

"The fuck I wouldn’t."

JUSTIN’S POV

"So has he said anything since then, Justin?"

"No mom, but you should have heard it. It wasn’t loud but it was a raspy whisper that made me tingle right down to my toes."

"Justin!"

"Oh come on, mom. It’s not as if we’re talking about a certain appendage. We were about to start discussing alternatives to him speaking but he said my name. Now I’m going to be on a high all night. And thanks for doing this."

"Oh honey, I don’t mind. Brian and I have a great friendship. I enjoy staying here with him once a week."

"Yeah. I just wish he was more like himself so you could see the man that I love. He’s just so tired. Will you try and make him have some soup?"

"I’ll do my best. I see Claire’s saying goodbye to Brian. Where’s she off to?"

"We never ask. I think she misses her kids, but we know that she needs a break from Brian. So she stays away for a few days and she comes back refreshed."

"They seem to be arguing, mom. Maybe I shouldn’t go?"

"Go outside. Michael will be here soon so you better go."

"Okay. Thanks again, mom. Brian, I’m leaving. I’ll be back later."

CLAIRE’S POV

"I can’t believe you, Brian!"

"Keep your voice down!" Brian scribbled on a piece of paper.

"Things are going to change, starting tomorrow. I’m going to stop taking it easy on you. When I come back tomorrow I won’t be your sister Claire, I’m going to be your nurse and I’m going to make you better."

"Whatever!" Brian mouthed.

"Look at you. Do you even care that you don’t eat. That I have to force it down your throat through a tube?"

"I’M FINE CLAIRE!!!" Brian scribbled his words in capitals to get his point across.

"I just well… I love you Brian. Don’t you get it?"

"Yes, me too." Brian mouthed

"Okay. Well, I’ll be back in the morning. Now try the soup, it’s actually good.

JENNIFER’S POV

Jennifer closed the door and secured the alarm because she knew once everyone had left that she and Brian would be busy. She knew he must be going crazy by now because it had been six days since she had last been over. She fixed a hot cup of soup and walked to the comfortable chair which now sat by Brian’s hospital bed. He had just leaned back and closed his eyes tightly, obviously feeling some discomfort but he wasn’t going to let on. He’d let her know if it got too bad. He opened his eyes and just stared at her.

Brian had closed his eyes hoping and praying that maybe she would think that he was asleep. He really wasn’t ready for one of her talks but then he wanted to hear her voice. Does that sound insane? It sounded insane to him. He felt awful and the smell of the soup was getting in his nose, making him want to vomit and that would hurt like a bitch. He couldn’t take it anymore. When he opened his eyes she was staring at him with that annoying, little smile she had.

"Well?"

"I told you that you would slip. Now when are you going to tell Justin you can talk?"

"Never, dr..dr…drop it!."

MELANIE’S POV

"You’re late!"

"Jesus Mel, you scared me. Were you hiding behind the door?"

"You were supposed to be here at five. It’s seven-thirty."

"Sydney wanted to talk about the new show that he wants to take place at the gallery and I couldn’t very well say no to my boss,"

"You know Lindz, I had told myself that I was going to be civil about this but you know what, I can’t take this is anymore. Who the fuck is she?"

"Mel, you sound insane, I’m not seeing anyone else. You’re going to have our baby."

"Yes, I’m fat and disgusting. You barely look at me anymore and I saw you today."

"You saw what?"

"I saw you waiting for your trollop but I didn’t stick around to see who my replacement is. Hell, maybe it’s Brian. No one hasn’t heard or seen him in almost two months but you say you’re talking to him, so do I have to worry?"

"I’m going upstairs to take a shower, and when I come back down maybe you’ll no longer be so crazy."

"Got to wash away the shame?"

"Melanie, I do not think I have to explain myself. Now I’m going upstairs!"

 

JENNIFER’S POV

Jennifer was very proud of Brian. He had been practicing his words well with her since he gave up going to the center. She could understand that Brian didn’t like talking there. They had group sessions where everyone could hear and sometimes when he got overly excited his words would slur. He didn’t like it and sometimes he would just skip words to make the sentence be over. It still kind of hurt and the vomiting wasn’t making it better. So she’d come over once a week and help him with his voice exercises. She had gone to The Cancer Center and spoken to the speech therapist who talked her through some exercises that they could do together. But soon Brian would have to return to the facility. She was going to help Brian for a month and then he would go back but he was supposed to tell her son.

"See you’re doing great, you got through the whole alphabet."

"It’s weird, I sound like child".

Brian’s voice was low and scratchy. You really had to listen to know what he was saying but Jennifer felt that he should be proud of it.

"You should be proud of it, Brian. I know that it touches me every time I hear it. I’m glad you share it with me."

"Don’t get all soft. I’m an asshole remember."

"Brian you’re…..you’re so much more this last month. I’ve learned a lot.

"Don’t pity me!"

"I’m not pitying you. I love you."

Jennifer couldn’t help herself. She leaned forward and pulled Brian into an embrace. His hair was short in the back and he only had a couple of spikes on the top. He was so handsome, and the thought of him having chemo made her want to cry. She couldn’t imagine him bald.

"Brian, you mean so much to me. I’m glad you trust me to keep your secret."

"Thank you, but please let’s keep it from Sun…Sun..Jussin a little longer."

Brian bolted for the bathroom obviously feelings some effects from the radiation and Jennifer heard the door to the loft slam shut. "Oh shit." she thought.

Justin stood in the hallway trying to keep his tears at bay. He could talk. That word ‘Justin’ was not a miracle he had whispered but it was a secret that his own mother and boyfriend had been keeping. He was the one there holding his hand, wiping up puke, and crying himself to sleep afraid that he would never hear him talk again. Yet here he was chatting with his mother. He didn’t know what to feel. He just knew that he had to get downstairs to Michael’s car for a friendly distraction, at least for a little while.

CLAIRE’S POV

"You’re late! Where have you been?"

"Hello to you too, mother. I’m sorry I was held up some place."

"I’ve been sitting here since seven ready to have dinner and now it’s after eight."

"Mother we can still go and have dinner. It’s my treat so you can have whatever you like."

"You surely have been throwing around the cash lately. I thought you said that your job at the nursing home wasn’t paying much. Claire, where did you get this money?"

"I’ve been doing a little side work, sitting with the elderly."

"Do you really have time to be sitting with some old person? You should be out trying to find yourself someone. You know if you changed your hair and made yourself more presentable then maybe…….

"Maybe what, mother! Maybe my husband wouldn’t have left me?"

"I was not going to say that Claire. What has gotten into you?"

"You, mother. No matter what I say or do you try and bring me down."

"I’m only trying to help you out, dear. A woman needs a man to take care of her."

"Where’s your man, mother?"

"Your father has gone home to Glory, but I assure you he’ll be waiting for me and we shall walk in the Valley together."

"Oh my God, mother! Do you actually believe that bullshit!"

"You won’t use such vulgar language in my presence, Claire. You’ve been hanging around your brother too much. You know I’ve tried to get in touch with him and I can’t."

"What do you want with Brian, Mother?"

"The attic steps are broken. I nearly broke my neck going down there last week. I’m going to need a little extra this month."

"Wow, I can’t believe you. I just….. I can’t be here right now."

"Where are you going? I thought we were going to have dinner."

"I just can’t sit and listen to you right now. I don’t understand you."

"Claire, forgive an old woman. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll find a man that can take care of you."

"God you’re so… you’re just… I’ll see you for Service on Sunday, Mother!"

JENNIFER’S POV

Jennifer knew that a part of her should be running after her son, but he probably was long gone with Michael by now. She had to comfort Brian, he needed her right now. With all the drugs they were pumping into his body, it wasn’t only messing with his physical appearance which was surprisingly fine but his emotions were everywhere. She could hear him sobbing and retching through the door.

"Sweetheart, can I come in?"

"It’s not fu-fu-fucking locked!"

"Okay. I know what you’re thinking and it’ll be fine. He’ll get over it and he’ll be back when he and Michael finish working on the comic for the night."

"Fucking hates it, heard it, ran away. Don’t want his pity."

"My God, Brian. How did you think it was going to go down when he heard it? I told you weeks ago to tell him. He’s been going out of his mind thinking you’ll never talk."

"Fuck you! Get out of the house now! Don’t need you, don’t need anybody!"

"Brian, calm down. You don’t need to get upset!"

"Why not? He wouldn’t listen. I need to explain. He left, didn’t say anything!"

Jennifer could tell Brian was getting agitated. He was pacing the floor that led to his bedroom and he was ranting when his voice begin to crack. It was getting softer and softer the more agitated he got.

"Brian, calm down! This is not you. It’s the meds. You are not the type to sit and cry about my son. You know that he loves you and he’ll be back. Where’s the Brian Kinney I know and hate?"

"He died months ago. I’m all that’s left."

Jennifer didn’t know what to do. He looked so broken in front of her. She was about to comfort him but his face began to crumble right before her eyes.

"Brian?"

"All wrong" he whispered and then he collapsed.

Justin had been quiet since he entered Michael’s car, which was fine because Michael was going on and on about something. Maybe it was time that he actually listened in case there was a "test" later.

"Are you listening to me?" That’s what I’ve been keeping inside for months now. She took me to see Ander and he’s dying. How in the hell am I going to keep from my boyfriend that his dead father… yeah well, he’s not so dead. It’s eating me up inside Justin. If I didn’t tell someone I was going to die, so I’ve told you. God! I mean I know you can keep a secret. You were going round town with Ethan and…"

"Shut up!"

"You’re right. I’m sorry. We’re beyond that. You know I saw you two at the airport a couple of months ago. I was going to mention it but I gathered that the little weasel wanted a last taste of the forbidden fruit. God, what am I going to do about Ander?"

"I don’t fucking care!"

"What the hell has gotten into you Justin?"

"So what? Your boyfriend’s dad is back from the dead and you don’t know what to do? Didn’t your own not-so-dead dad make an appearance a few months ago? Just ask yourself how that made you feel and decide if you want to put Ben through that, and for God sakes stop driving like a maniac! People have more serious problems than that!"

"Listen, Boy Wonder. I’m sorry that your "boyfriend" is out of town so it’s your time of the fucking month. Do what he’s doing. I’m sure he’s somewhere with his dick up someone’s ass. You guys have rules so follow the rules and get yourself a trick and stop being a whiney little asshole!"

"Whiney asshole! Whiney asshole. I’m not supposed to be upset that he’s a liar. That I’m keeping his fucking secret. Whatever you do Justin, don’t tell them I have cancer. Whatever you do Justin, don’t tell them I can’t talk? Whatever you do Justin, this is between us? Then I cry myself to sleep at night because I’m scared that he’ll never be able to work again. The man that I love isn’t wasting away because the drugs have given him a super body so meanwhile he’s fucking me like crazy but he can’t talk. Then I go back to our apartment because I leave something and I find him and my fucking mother chatting. Well, fuck you Michael. I have real problems. You’re trapped in a rerun that I don’t want to know anything about!"

"Brian has what!"

"Oh my God Michael, watch out!"

PETA’S POV

"Are you going to bring Ben here or not?"

"I don’t know. Are you going to let me take you from this place and take you home?"

"This is my home. I shall stay here and die."

"Ander I can’t stand here and watch you in this place. You don’t belong here."

"Yes I do, and you need to lay off our son. He’s happy. Michael makes him happy."

"You make me happy. I can’t let you go."

"I’m dying Peta."

"I know but don’t you understand. I still love you."

"I understand but I’m not good for you Peta."

"You never were Ander, but you always came back and that tells me that you love me."

"Of course I do Peta. You’re my wife, the others meant nothing. It’s just that I was never the marrying kind."

"If you let me take you home, I’ll bring Ben to see you."

"You will, Peta. I….

Ander’s thoughts were cut off by the sound of Peta’s cell phone

Ander was trying to read Peta’s face but she turned away from him. He did hear her say the name ‘Ben.’ This got his attention. Then she said "Oh my God". That really got his attention. "I’ll be right there, Deb just tell him I’ll be right there."

JENNIFER’S POV

Jennifer was frazzled. She didn’t know what to think. Brian had just collapsed right before her eyes and he wouldn’t wake up. She had to call an ambulance and then they said that his blood pressure was low, and then there was something about him being anemic. What? This was the first she had heard of this. Did Justin know that? Her mind was everywhere but then she saw the doctor.

"Doctor, is Brian going to be okay?"

"And you are?"

"I’m his mother." This was a lie that came so easily to Jennifer now.

"Well, it appears that your son put a hole in his feeding tube so he wasn’t getting all his food."

"What? Why would he do such a thing?"

"Well, with Brian’s weight gain compared to how he looked before the operation, it seems like he doesn’t like his physical appearance."

"Why not? He’s well-defined. He works out a lot."

"That’s also the problem. He really shouldn’t be doing that. With all the throwing up, and I believe that he’s making himself throw up, that’s not good. He’s not getting the nutrients he needs. We’re going to keep him here for a couple of days to check on him. We’re aware that he has ten sessions left and we’re going to make sure he gets them."

"Is he conscious?"

"Yes, he keeps asking for a Justine?"

"Justin, his lover. I can’t find him."

"Could you come with me? He’s very skittish right now?"

"Sure thing."

Jennifer was following the doctor around the corner and before she knew it she was being bear hugged by Debbie Novotny.

"Jennifer. Oh God! Did Sunshine call you too?"

"What?"

"He and Michael were on their way to the store and somehow there was an accident. Justin arm is broken in two places. He’s getting a cast right now. Michael, my boy is in a coma."

Jennifer didn’t know what to do. Brian was a wreck and he needed her but Michael, Jesus was she supposed to tell him?

She saw Carl come around the corner and Deb threw herself on him and continued to sob. Then she noticed that the whole family was there, except for the girls. How the hell was she going to play this off? She heard Justin before he rounded the corner. He was telling an orderly to ‘fuck off.’

"Justin?"

"Mom I didn’t call….Oh God!"

Justin felt his knees buckling. Then before he knew it the orderly that he had been arguing with was holding him up and steering him to a wheelchair.

"You have a concussion, son. The doc wants to keep you here for observation."

"My head is fucking fine. See, I can walk in a straight line and I know that it’s Saturday. I know that five times five is twenty-five, minus two is twenty-three. See my brains didn’t get scrambled. There’s someplace I have to be!"

"Justin. It’s fine. You can stay here tonight."

"Mom?"

"Has Michael got a room yet?"

"Yes, he’s in room 432. I can take Justin there now."

"He wants to be with Michael’s family. I’ll take full responsibility."

"Okay, you’re his mother."

Justin watched as the orderly walked away and his mother steered him in the opposite direction of where Michael’s room was.

"Mom, what’s going on? I didn’t call you but you’re here. What’s wrong with Brian? Did you call Claire?"

"Brian knows that you heard him. We heard you leaving the loft. Sweetie, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to tell you. It was that he was frightened that you wouldn’t like the way he sounds now."

"Is he insane? I wouldn’t give a fuck if he never talked again. What happened, mom?"

"Apparently he doesn’t like his new, muscular look and he’s developed an eating disorder."

"What? I sit there and I watch him eat."

"Apparently he put a hole in his feeder and he’s been making himself vomit!"

"Oh God, mom. Is he in there?"

"Yes, and he damaged his throat by shouting and his speech might be even harder to understand now. So if you go in there don’t push honey. He’s been asking for you."

"I’m not going to push, mother! Oh God, I can’t go in there. He’s going to see the cut on my forehead, not to mention the cast. He’s going to freak."

"Then let him freak. Let him realize that he’s still him, no matter what the differences are."

"Okay. I can do that. Should I tell him about Michael?"

"You’ll have to. He knows where you were going and who you were with."

"Mom, can he take it? I mean, the medication has his emotions everywhere and it’s been killing him not to be able to go out with the guys or see Gus."

"Honey, he brought all of that on himself and it was bound to come out eventually."

"I’m scared to go inside."

"Go. I’ll be downstairs with the others."

PETA’S POV

Peta ran down the hall to where Ben said that he would be and she saw him staring through a window at Michael. The sight of him standing there looking through that glass tore at her heart. It was like every night when she stood at Ander’s window.

"Ben sweetie, is there any news?"

Ben looked up and his mother was there. He never thought he needed anyone like he needed her. She ran to his side and took him in her arms. She rubbed his back and whispered words of comfort that were beginning to make him feel better. Then all of a sudden he was angry with her.

"Get away from me!"

"Ben darling, what’s the matter? Did something else happen?"

"He’s in a coma mom, a fucking coma! They’re saying things about bleeding and swelling in his brain. He actually put his hand out to protect Justin when they hit whatever it was. That’s the kind of guy he is. He was worried about Justin’s recent head trauma."

"Justin’s head trauma? What happened to Justin? Ben, are you saying there’s no hope? I know people who can help him."

"Why would you want to help him?"

"Ben, he’s the man you love. I like Michael. I never wanted something like this to happen to him.’

"Didn’t you? No wait. That’s right. It was supposed to happen to me. I was supposed to die and leave him here all alone. Leave him here for you to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart! Well, tell me mother. Are you ready to pick up the pieces of mine!

"Ben, I’m so sorry."

"You’re sorry, you’re fucking sorry! You’ve been spreading the word about dying and HIV and how I was going leave him and you didn’t want to see him get hurt. Tell me mother. Is this how you were going to comfort him? Because if it is, you suck at it!"

"Listen to yourself. This is not you. You’re not making any sense."

"None of this makes sense. I can’t lose him, mom. He’s my reason for everything! He loves me for me. He didn’t give a damn what his mother or his friends or anyone else said when he chose me! I wasn’t supposed to have to watch him die."

Peta took a good look at her son. He was coming undone, no longer the well-educated man that she had raised. He was a scared little boy and her heart cried out to him. A part of her wanted to ask ‘do you want Michael to go through this’ but it would be totally be uncalled for to say such a thing. Instead she took him in her arms and told him she’d do whatever she could to make him better. He cried but he felt better, happy his mother was there for him.

Justin hadn’t realized that they must have given him a sedative. As he walked into Brian’s room and sat in the big chair beside his bed, he had drifted off to sleep. Before he knew it he was being shaken awake by a madman.

"What the fuck?" he shouted, before his eyes adjusted to the lighting.

"Happened to you?" Brian whispered

"What happened to me? You were starving yourself and you…."

Justin was about to tear Brian a new one but he remember what his mother said about given Brian some of his old self back.

"Brian, I was in a car accident. I shouldn’t be here. I have a concussion and I broke my arm in two places."

Justin couldn’t help but smile at how soft the expression on Brian’s face had become. He slid over on the bed and patted the side for Justin to come in. He obliged and climbed in beside him.

"Are you alright?"

"I have a room right down the hall but you know I don’t like hospitals. Can I stay here with you?"

"I’m sorry. Didn’t want you to hear?… I sound funny."

"It’s okay. We’ll keep practicing and you’ll get better and even if you don’t get better whatever you are it’ll be okay cause we’ll be together."

"Justin?"

"What is it Brian?"

"You were with Michael. Is he okay?"

LINDSAY’S POV

The silence was fucking killing me. I came down from my shower and Melanie had already put Gus to bed and now we are lying in our bed in complete silence. Could I tell her? Could I really tell her about Brian? Maybe it would get her to back off and then we could band together and help him.

"Mel, there’s something I have to tell you."

"I fucking knew it. Who is she?"

Lindsay was about to finally pour her heart out to someone and have someone to confide in about Brian but the phone rang.

Melanie didn’t know what to think. Lindsay’s face was hard to read while she was on the phone. There were a lot of ‘yeses’ and ‘nos’ and ‘oh mys’. Her telephone manner alone was about to make me go into labor and then she hung up.

"Lindsay, what’s gong on?"

"Melanie get dressed. Something has happened to Michael."

Brian slid from the bed. They really had given Justin some strong stuff and he was thankful for that. He put on his slippers and put his hoodie over his head because it was seriously cold in there. When he got to his feet he steadied himself. He was a man on a mission. He had to get to find Michael.

Everyone at the hospital knew him by now so they didn’t even stop him as he roamed the halls. They knew he couldn’t sleep sometimes and he was just walking around getting some air. Then he reached the ICU and he was saved by Sarah who was behind the desk.

"Hey Sarah, what room is Michael Novotny in?"

"Brian, when did you get back here? Are you alright?"

"Sarah, I’m fine, just a little anemic. Michael Novotny?"

"Oh no, that’s your Michael isn’t it? We really don’t quite understand why he hasn’t woken up yet. He’s in the third room on the left but his partner is there."

"Oh that’s fine. Big Ben and I are old friends. Thanks. Don’t let anyone know I’m here."

Brian walked into the room and he saw Michael lying on the bed. Ben was in the chair at the foot of the bed with his head on it. He was sound asleep. Brian tried to think about how he would feel if he was in Ben's situation. How he felt when it was Justin. Ben must be terrified, he knew he was not to long ago. He wouldn’t stay long. He just had to touch him.

Brian walked up and slowly stroked Michael’s hair.

"Mikey?" he cried.

He looked at the bed. There was room enough for him. He felt weak and he thought he might pass out so he climbed in and nuzzled closely to Michael. He still smelt like his Mikey and before he knew it he was sound asleep.

Ben was awakened by the bed moving. He looked up expecting to see those eyes that he knew and loved so well, but that didn’t happen. He was startled because some guy was in the bed of the man he loved. This guy was tall, bulky but muscular. Then he noticed the hand that was holding him tight. There was a tattoo, a tattoo he knew well. It said the simplest word ‘RESIST.’ It was Brian. No one had seen him in almost two months.

He noticed an IV was running from Brian’s hand and that he wore a hospital bracelet. He also took in the fact that Brian wore an oversized hoodie and sweat pants. Clearly if he was on business somewhere and came to see Michael, he wouldn’t look like this. He also noticed that his breathing was erratic and that alarmed him because they were in a hospital. Maybe there was something wrong with Brian.

"Brian?" Ben asked.

Ben had to hold back the gasp when he saw Brian. The hood fell from Brian’s had and his hair was only about ten, maybe fifteen auburn spikes. It was a good look but nothing he thought he would ever see on Brian. His neck was thicker than it used to be but his chest was well-toned. He was bulkier but it didn’t match his fatter face. His face was chubby which made his nose seem smaller. It reminded him a lot of the older pictures he had seen of Brian and Michael in their apartment. He couldn’t help but be shocked when he saw the huge scar that was on Brian’s neck.

Brian was shocked that someone had seen him there, but he knew that he had to apologize because it was wrong for him to be in the bed with Michael.

"I’m sorry." Brian put his hand over his mouth because no sound came out when he said this and it frightened him.

Ben couldn’t understand what Brian had attempted to say. But he knew he was obviously shocked when nothing came out because he covered his mouth and his eyes widened on his newly-rounded face. Ben couldn’t help think that Brian was sort of adorable - a word that he never thought he’d use to describe Brian.

"Brian, what the fuck happened to you?"

"I have cancer." Brian mouthed but he knew from the puzzled look on Ben’s face that he had no idea what he even said.

The Awakening by Galesgal
Author's Notes:

Mikey's outta his coma and brian shares his past cancer with justin.

BEN’S POV

It had been three days and now Ben was heading down to Brian’s room. He had spoken to Michael’s doctor and it looked like Michael was waking up. That made him happy because he was going crazy but Brian was livening things up. He did the right thing and he had kept Brian’s secret. As of now no one knows that Brian has cancer. Hell to be honest I can’t believe it myself, and would you believe that it’s made him nicer. He doesn’t talk much though. He’s supposed to rest his voice and soon he’ll be meeting with a new speech professional who’ll help him adjust to his new voice and way of life. So Brian and I have been having fun playing "Pictionary" and "Scrabble" - games that don’t take much talking and I was surprised to find out that Brian can actually draw. Should’ve figured since he is an adman. Anyways it’s noon and Justin is going out for lunch and I’m going sit with Brian.

I walk around the corner to where Brian is being set up for his Chemo. A patient is allowed to have up to two people sit with him and I guess I’ll sit with him and Justin will when he returns. Across from Brian is a little girl. She’s bald and drifting off to sleep, her mother is beside her crying. The sight of that makes me annoyed. Why would a woman cry like that in front of her daughter? I turn to look at Brian and apparently it’s getting to him as well.

"Hey Justin. Sorry I’m late."

"It’s fine Ben. What did the doctor say about Michael?"

"Oh, he said that he should be coming around in a few days. How are you today, Brian?"

"Fine." was Brian’s one-word answer.

Ben looked at Justin with concern.

"Today has been sort of hard on Brian. He found out he has a new speech therapist. He’s supposed to rest his voice and try not to talk so now he’s being quiet."

"Oh well, I’ll make sure he doesn’t talk much. You go have your lunch."

"Okay. I’ll be back, Brian. I love you."

"Yeah whatever" Brian mumbled.

JENNIFER’S POV

Jennifer Taylor sat in Debbie’s kitchen as she went on and on about Brian. Each time Debbie said something hurtful she wanted to call the woman out. Maybe she could smooth things over with a lie, maybe make it a little better.

"Can you believe Jen that he pretends to be my boy’s best friend and doesn’t even come home when there’s an accident?"

"Deb, I talked to Justin and he said that Brian has been trying to get away but can’t. It’s all about his work, and you know that Brian would be here if he could. This is Michael."

"I just don’t know about him sometimes. He puts everyone on the back burner when it comes to his job. When will he realize that material things aren’t important?"

"I’m sure he’s coming to that realization right now."

"What’s with you, honey? Is there something wrong with Justin or Molly? You seem stressed?"

"I have this friend who’s sick but she doesn’t want her friends to know."

"A friend? My god, Jen. Are you okay?"

"I’m fine Deb. As I said, a friend and she doesn’t want her family to know but I think that her family knowing could be the best thing."

"What’s wrong with her?"

"She has cancer. She doesn’t want anyone to see her down when she is normally such a strong and powerful woman."

"That’s a shame. Do you want my advice on this?"

"Yes please."

"Family is important and you must do whatever you can to reunite this woman with her family. She’s sick and at a time like that is when she needs her family the most."

"Thanks Deb. Are you on your way to see Michael?"

"Yeah. In the afternoon the whole gang likes to meet and sit in his room. I guess I should give Brian the benefit of the doubt. He did arrange for Michael to have a private room."

"Okay, I guess I should be going as well."

Ben and Justin sat on either side of Brian as he got his Chemo. He hadn’t said anything in a while and they figured he just wanted to rest, but they were concerned at him staring at the woman across from them giving her death looks. Her daughter got up to go to the rest room and they were both shocked when Brian opened his mouth.

"You really need to stop that!"

"I beg your pardon, sir."

"What you’re doing to Jamie is not right."

"I wasn’t aware that you knew my daughter’s name."

"We come in here every day and get pumped with poison together. Sometimes when you go and have your lunch we talk. You shouldn’t do that in front of her."

"I’m trying but it’s hard. She has Leukemia and they say she’s not responding well. I just don’t know what I’ll do if she dies."

"She won’t die! You act as if she is already dead!"

"Brian, be quiet. You are to rest your voice."

"No, Justin. She needs to hear this."

"You act as if she’s already dead. She told me that you used to come and you would talk about the future and things that you’d do when she was better but you’ve stopped doing that now. She says you think she’s going to die. She cries because you cry. She’s given up because you’ve given up!"

"Brian, is it? I know that you feel that you have the right to comment because you’re going through something similar but you have no idea what’s going on so maybe you should just keep your mouth shut!"

"I do know what’s she’s going through! When I was twelve I was her!"

"Brian, keep your voice down! What?"

"Justin when I was twelve I was in the yard with my dad and he hit me. Not that he hadn’t hit me before. He hit me all the time. That’s what abusive bastards do but this was different. He hadn’t hit me very hard and my nose began to bleed. I had already prepared myself for the next blow but he did something that he had never done before."

"What Brian?" asked Justin.

"He hugged me and he was so scared. The next thing I know we were off to the hospital and this was something I never expected. I mean there were so many bruises on my body that had been put there by his fists that I thought he’d be scared that DCF would take me away but he wasn’t and that’s when I was diagnosed with Leukemia."

"What? This is the second time, Brian? Why didn’t you tell me?"

"Because I didn’t want to see that look on your face but that’s not the point. The point I’m making is that Jamie is a little girl and her mom has given up on her. My dad gave up on me and he gave me the best year of my life. He loved me for the first time in his life, but I didn’t know he wanted me dead.

"What are you talking about, Brian?"

"Justin, I’m trying to talk to Jamie’s mom and it’s getting sort of hard so could you just be quiet."

"Anyway, I stopped responding to treatment. I wanted to die because I had a shitty father who liked to beat me. But he changed. He was loving and caring and did things for me he’d never done. That made me want to get better for him and it made me do whatever the doctors asked of me. Jamie has given up. Why should she try to get better for a mother who doesn’t want her? Get over yourself and be a parent, damn it!"

"But look at yourself, it came back."

"Right. It came back twenty years later. I’m successful at my job. I have a partner who loves me and a son. I’ve had a life and I’m going to beat this again for them. I-I-…."

"Brian. It’s okay. Just stop and breathe. Take it easy. Lie back and close your mouth."

"I’m sorry Ms?"

"It’s Pamela, Pamela Mulligan and you know I’m the one that’s sorry. I’m sorry I upset your father."

Justin couldn’t help but laugh. Obviously the woman assumed that he was the son and Ben was the partner.

"It’s quite alright, but Brian’s not my father he’s my lover. Our son is about two years old."

"Oh I’m sorry. You just look so young."

"Thank you, and I am but not young enough to have him as my father."

"He seems to have drifted off. He does that a lot."

"Yeah, it’s a side effect from the chemo. It makes him tired but at least he’s not in pain."

"His voice is strange. Where did he have the cancer?"

"In the throat. They rebuilt his vocal chords. His new voice will be unique but I don’t care if he can’t talk. I’ll still love him."

Ben could see the love that Justin had for Brian as he sat there and stroked his hair and adjusted the blanket that he just put over him. Brian lay there with his mouth open and you could hear the wheeze of his deviated septum. He was at peace. It reminded him of Michael and he decided to go back down and see him.

HUNTER’S POV

Hunter stood outside the room of the man called Ander. It bothered him how much he looked like Ben. He asked around and they said that he had cancer. His name wasn’t Bruckner though, but that meant absolutely nothing, really. He wanted to know, he needed answers. He held the copy of today’s paper in his hand, took a deep breath and entered the room.

"Here’s the paper. They told me you like to read the sports page."

"Thanks, you’re very kind."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure kid, you can ask me anything?"

"Are you Benjamin Bruckner’s dad?"

Ander couldn’t believe that the kid had said Ben’s name. He didn’t appear to know him in any way. He looked at the kid closely and there was no family resemblance so how in the hell did he know who Ben was. Maybe he could get this kid to bring him Ben since it didn’t seem like Peta was going too.

"Yeah kid, Ben’s my son. How do you know him?"

"Well I guess you can say that he’s kind of my dad."

Peta sat at her desk thinking about her life. Everything was different now. Her son was madly in love with a man who was now in a coma. She had been thinking of so many ways to break them up when she should have been pushing them together. It was true what they said, Ander was so right. She was being a fool. How could she deny her son the man he loved? How could she make it seem like what he wanted was so wrong? How could she be that kind of mother? She made a note to Max Abrams in Brian’s chart and left her office to find her son and tell him about his father.

MICHAEL’S POV

Michael felt the bed under him before anything else came to mind. He remembered that he was in the car with Justin and then he had told him that Brian had cancer. That car had come out of nowhere and then…..

"Ben?"

Ben couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked up and his Michael was looking right back at him.

"Michael baby, I’m here. How do you feel?"

"A little numb but fine. Is Justin okay?"

"He’s fine. He broke his arm but you protected him from flying through the windshield."

"That’s good."

"I’m going to get the doctor, okay. You’ve been sleeping a couple of days."

"I’m just gonna rest my eyes."

Ben didn’t know what to say. A part of him didn’t want Michael to go back to sleep but he had already drifted off. He needed to tell someone about the change in his condition but had he really woken up? He moved closer and whispered.

"Michael?"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing. You rest I’m gonna go and get the doctor."

BRIAN’S POV

Brian woke with a start. The nightmares were becoming a bitch! This time he was at his own funeral and no one was there - only Justin who sat in a pew and cried by himself while everyone else carried on with their lives because Brian wouldn’t let him tell anyone. Then when it was over Justin went home alone and killed himself in the shower. He must have been breathing pretty hard ‘cause he felt a familiar hand around his shoulders.

"Claire?"

"Yeah it’s me. Do you want me to turn on the light?"

"No!"

Claire had to make a note that her brother enjoyed sitting in the dark a lot now, and that wasn’t good. He was becoming depressed but he was good at hiding it from Justin, but not from her. She knew him too damn well.

"You’ve slept through a lot of excitement."

"What?"

"Michael Novotny woke up."

Brian didn’t think that she could see it but she did. He smiled but then he grabbed his throat remembering that Justin had told him. He was going to be afraid to go see him even though there was no place he’d rather be. She was tired of the games her brother played and he’d be going home soon and it was time his "family" knew. He needed them.

"He won’t care you know."

"Fuck off!"

"You know I would if I actually thought that was what you wanted." She said climbing in bed with Brian.

"Where’s Jus?" Brian said. He hated that sometimes his voice still betrayed him.

"He went to get the two of you some dinner. You slept a lot today. You didn’t even wake when they brought you back to your room or moved you to the bed."

"Tired of being here."

"You’ll be leaving in the next couple of days, and then Max will be coming by to help you with your speech."

"Oh."

"Yeah. So things are looking up. Are you going to go down and see Michael?"

"No!"

"Come on Brian, you should and you know you want to."

"Can’t let him see me like ‘dis"

"You let him see the things that daddy…." Claire trailed off.

"That was different."

"Exactly but he won’t mind. He knows now."

"Leave me alone!"

"Fine, but I’ll be back in an hour to help you get dressed for the night. When he brings the food tonight, try and eat it."

"I’ll see you later. I love you."

"Yeah me too."

Debbie knew she must’ve kissed Michael over a hundred times by now. She was just happy that her boy was awake. She was thrilled that there was nothing physically wrong with him besides the ribs and a couple of bumps. They were going to keep him a couple of more days and then he would be going home. Debbie had already told him that she would be moving in with him and Ben for a while until he got back on his feet. He didn’t need her but he didn’t dare tell her that.

"Ma, I need to talk to you a second about Brian."

"I don’t want to talk about that little asshole. He got you this nice room but does he show his face? No! I remember the many times I patched him up after his dad laid it on him good, but does he come see my boy in the hospital? No, he doesn’t even call."

"Ma there’s something you should----"

"Don’t you dare try and make excuses for him!" Debbie screamed cutting off Michael’s thoughts.

"Now it’s late. You get some rest and I’m going to go home but I’ll be back first thing in the morning."

"Okay." Michael said. He knew when he was beaten.

Peta was tired and all she wanted to do was crawl in her bed and order some take-out and wait for Ben to get there so she could tell him about Ander. She was so thrilled that Michael had woken up for two reasons. The first was obvious. He needed to because her son needed him and secondly it prolonged the relationship she knew was going to end as soon as she told her son the truth about his father. Then she would have to make a call to Eric and tell him as well. Eric was busy so maybe she wouldn’t be able to contact him for a couple of months. It felt good that she might still be able to hang on to the relationship with at least one of her children for a while. She walked into the apartment and came face to face with a very angry-looking Hunter.

"Jesus! Hunter you scared me."

"I met someone very interesting at the hospice today."

Peta could feel her heart rate go up.

"Really who?"

"I guess you could call him my grandfather which is funny because Ben told me his dad was dead."

"Hunter. You didn’t tell him, did you!" she screamed.

"Of course not, he’s been worried about Michael. I didn’t want to give him the shock of his life. You have to because things are not looking good for Ander."

"What happened?"

"He was put in the hospital earlier. Do you have any idea what time Ben’s coming home? I’m starved."

"Oh sweetie, no one called you?"

"No, what? Did something happen to Michael?"

"Yeah he’s awake."

Brian opened his eyes and was shocked when he saw the sun was coming up. He had been sleeping a lot lately and that bothered him. His body was losing that tone that he was used to. Mind you, he was still bulky but none of that mattered when he felt like shit. He ran his hand through his hair. It was really short but it was still there. He hadn’t had so little hair since he was about seven but at least it was enough to run your fingers through. He yawned to himself and then he felt a familiar hand in his. He couldn’t help but smile.

"Hi."

"Good morning, handsome. How do you feel? Are you ready to spend a whole day with me?"

"Fine. Justin’s gone to class?"

"Yeah. He tried to stick around because he didn’t see you last night but he was going to be late and he knew you’d hate that."

"Time?"

"It’s almost eight, so what do you want to do before your chemo?"

"Help me to see Michael?"

"Of course. Let’s get you dressed."

Ben had meant to go home. His mother had said that there was something that she had wanted to talk to him about but he couldn’t just go home while Michael was awake. He knew he had spent the whole night staring at him. Right now he was sound asleep but he was in bed with him. He really loved the huge bed that Brian made sure Michael had, and the staff were so nice and didn’t say anything when they came in and saw he was in bed with his lover. Wow, money can really make people keep their mouths shut or maybe just maybe they didn’t care that they were together. Right on cue those eyes opened.

"Good morning."

"Good morning yourself:"

"Ben, did you sleep here all night?"

"Yeah, I kept getting up to leave but I just couldn’t."

"Well, I need you to go now and get some rest."

"Michael, are you crazy? I can’t just leave you now."

"You can and you will. Now get out of here. Besides ma and god knows who else will be here soon, so go."

"Okay but I’ll be back for lunch and I’ll bring you something that’s edible instead of hospital food."

"Good, and will you do me a favor?"

"Anything."

"Find Brian. Tell him I don’t care."

"I will. I love you, don’t you know that?"

"Of course and I you."

 

Jennifer was so proud of Brian. He never asked for help but he knew that she was right behind him if he needed it. He did allow her to help him dress. He was in the hospital and dressed to the nines. He wore a very large, hooded, designer sweat suit if you took the trouble to look at the label. It was extra large. He had taken to wearing baggier clothes. Even though he was sick he was still gorgeous. He reminded her a lot of Ben. He put the hood over his head and walked slowly into Michael’s room.

Michael saw the door to his room opening and was shocked to see who stood before him. It was Brian and he was…. well he looked the same but he was larger and he looked better for it. He could see the scar and feel the nervousness in him. His face was softer and chubbier like when they were in school. He could feel the tears but he knew now was not the time.

"Hey Mikey."

"Don’t ‘hey’ me. What took you so long? I was in a coma."

Brian was so happy that Michael didn’t say anything about his appearance.

"Well I have cancer so I’ve got an excuse."

Brian couldn’t help it he brushed his hand against Michael’s cheek and he smiled. He was his Mikey and he was fine. He was shocked when Michael slid over to make room for him.

"Are you sure?"

"Get your ass here before you collapse."

Brian knew he had about two hours before he had Chemo so he slid in bed with Michael. He whispered words of comfort to Michael, more to comfort himself than Michael and before he knew it he had drifted off to sleep yet again. He was happy. He was with his Mikey.

A Quick Update by Galesgal

Hi

I've decided to put this little note to put this story back at the top so folks could familliarize themselves with it and i can explain a few things.

When i first started writing this story i was very excited.  I was in medical school and i was learning new things and i knew that i wanted to bring this story to the lives of Brian and Justin.   I knew exactly how i wanted everything to play out and then tragedy happened.

I had done a lot of research on throat cancer and then my dad sat us all down and told me that he in fact had throat cancer.   I couldn't believe it.   Those of you woho know me know that i have a gift and it was the first time that it touched home.   It was almost like i predicted this because everything that Brian started going through in my story my dad was going through in real life.   It scared me so much that i put this story on the back burner.

My dad was going well with his chemo and his radiation that i infact started writing on this story again and was already to share it with you because i couldn't wait to know what you guys thought about where i went with it and then my dad died.   I was so broken up about it that i didn't want to see anything about cancer so i stopped again.

Well i made it through the first year without my dad and things are good.  I've decided to start back updating this story probably next week when i wrap up The Unexpected family.   So if you haven't read this story take a chance on it i think you'll like it, and if you have take a chance to reaquaint yourself with it becasue the ride is about to continue.

Thanks again for all your comments.

latoya

Stunned by Galesgal
Author's Notes:

In this chapter 2 more find out about Brian.   Ben Bumps into his father, and someone learns that words can hurt far worst than any physical ache.

Brian opened his eyes and knew immediately he was not alone.   He thought back and tried to remember and then he did.   Michael was awake and he fallen asleep.

"I'm deeply hurt.   I mean I was in a coma for days, and I had no idea what has been going on.   You finally drag your ass here and you fall asleep." Michael joked.

"Sorry." Brian replied.

"Does it hurt?" Michael asks.  He noticed the difference.   It is like someone talking while be choked.   If that is even possible.

"Yea.   Better though.   Was worse." Brian grimaced.   He hated that.   He spoke in a lot of fragments.   You said less but you got your point across but he sounded ignorant.  College degree right out the window.

"So you look great.   You're filling out.  Sort of like Ben.   Where is he anyway?"

"Went for lunch.   He will be back soon.   He is going to sit with me while they...." Brian stopped turning away from Michael.

"It's okay Brian.   You are going to beat this." He told his friend hugging him from behind.

 

Lindsay couldn't be happy.   She was thrilled that Michael was awake.   It was just when she thought about how everyone had come together for Michael she knew they would do the same for Brian.   The problem would helet them?

"Babe did you hear me?" Melanie asked.

Sorry I was thinking about something, right after your appointment today I can't have lunch.   I have a meeting." She explained.  She had questions Peta needed to answer

"Oh that's what they are calling it these days?   Just tell me are you going to leave me before or after i drop this load?   Because I need to know my options." Melanie told her bitterly.

"I've been meeting with Peta.   We have been talking about cancer!" Lindsay shouted.   Thrilled that it was out in the open.

"Oh God.   Don't worry we will get through this." Melanie sobbed misunderstanding everything.

 

Ben was all about helpimg.   Now that Michael was awake and he also knew Brian' secret he knew that he was going to want to help as well.   That was what he was doing at The Cancer Center.   Brian was going to be working with a speech therapist there.  He had learned a lot about Brian during this ordeal and he knew he was a hard worker. He was going to see if he could learn some exercises and help Brian out.  Brian needed his voice it was essential for his life.   He was going to do whatever he could to make it work for his friend.

It was sort of sad that it took something tragic like cancer for Ben to reconnect with Brian.   Although they had tol Michael and Justin that it was a one night stand it had lasted the weekend and he and Brian were good friends.  Now he felt closer to him and Justin.  He looked around this place it was homey and inviting.   He knew immediately that Brian would hate it.   Everything was so happy, and then......

"Dad?" Ben said to the man sitting by the window.   He lookrd too much like he' father not to be him.

"Hello Benji, its been a long ime." He said giving his best smile.

 

Michael was thamlful for the huge bed in his private room   Brian was sound asleep and turned away from the door.  If it was still a standad bed Brian probably would have tossed him out by now.   Times were changing, they were going to see him through.

"You don't know how good it gets me to see you sitting up like that." Deb beamed as she walked in his room.

 

"Ma I need to talk to you but quietly." He told her gesturing to Brian's sleep form.

"Bless him.   Has Been here all night?" Deb asked assuming.

"Ma I need to talk about Brian for a minute."

"Brian.   I do not know if I can take much more.   I called him again today and they say he's not even working at his office.   You constantly say that he's your best friend but where the hell is he?   He always disappoints when you need him, but he didn't show up not once."

Michael was about to say something but Brian went rigid on the bed.  He was making  a gargled sound as if he was choking.  His back almost came completely off the bed. That was when Deb noticed it wasn't Ben.

MMichael what's hapening?" Deb asked panicking.

 

"Cancer.   You gotta be shitting me.  How do you know for sure?"   Melanie asked trying to come to terms with what Lindsay was saying.

That is why we haven't seen him.   Ben's mom is his doctor.   That is who I have been meeting with.   He can't talk Melanie.   He had a stoma and the skin is just growing back.   He may not make it and I am so scared." Lindsay continued to sob.  

Melanie held her.   She felt like a fool for ever doubting what she felt for her.   She would see her through this.   Brian was their family.   He was her son' father and she would help him whether he liked it or not.

 

"We buried you.   I wasthere.   there was a box and it was open." He explained to his father.   He was confused.

"Ben you kids were young.   Your mom worked at a hospital.   A John Doe got put away very nicely and your mom finally did the right thing.   She go rid of me,and now you have to help her get rid of me for good." Ander explained.

"I can't.   I meanI never thought I would see you again.   I cannot let you go." Ben hugged him tightly.   He knew that he should feel pissed but he didn't.   He was happy ad he had his dad back.

 

When Brian woke up he was not shocked to find himself back in his room, but he was shocked to find Deb there hold his  hand.

"Leave." He croaked and snatched his hand away.

"Oh honey I have been talking to the doctors.   I was so scared I thought I was going to loose you.   They sy you are doing good.   Michael has been filling me in.   I am going to take care of you."She tried to soothed him once more and was taken back when he pulled away.

"I am a dissappointment and I am never there. leave." He told her stermly.

"Honey I'm sorry, but what was I to think.   You know I love you like you're my own." She was not going to cry.   He was breaking her heart.

Brian took the suctio from over hi bed and suctioned out his mouth.   "I do no want you here!" He screamed in her face.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.   She was happy that he did let her kiss him on the cheek before turning to face away from her.  She left his room stunned.   He could die and she could recall every hateful thing she had left on his voicemail.  She had hurt him.  What made things worse was she knew he knew that she meant every word of it at the time.   

 

 

 

 

 

End Notes:

My God this chapter sucks.   I am so sorry.

Samson by Galesgal
Author's Notes:

Brian gets comfort from someone he hadn't needed in awhile, and someone he never expected.

Claire sat quietly in the cafetera trying to wrap her head around the last ew days.   Michael Novotny had come out of his coma.   You would think that would make her brother happy,but it was what happened after that her nervous.   That was why she was sitting here waiting on her lunchdate.

"I hope you have ideas, because I'm about to pull my hair out." Justin told Claire as he took aseat.

"I was with him an hour this morning, he did not say a word.   He got reassigned to a new therapist, and when she came down he refused to see her.   What happened Justin?"

"Debbie is what happened.   Her mouth and she puts Brian down.   I know she loves him, but this time she hurt him while he was already in a fragile state.   She hurt him Claire,and she knows it.

 

Debbie Novotny sat in the back of the church trying not to cry.   She had so many things about Brian before thinking.   He had to know what he meant to her.   She loved that boy like he was her own and now.....she tried not to think about it.  He was going through something horrible, and he wouldn't let her be there for him.  She had really put her foot in it this time.

Joan Kinney walked in her church on a mission.   She hadn't known what got into her daughter a few nights ago, but she was in need for some prayer.   Sadly her daughter had gotten her looks from her father and also his attitude.   She had aggod husband in Jeremy but som things that he di she acted as if she could not turn the other way.   A good wife turned the other way and took care of their children.  So that was her mission today.  She was going to pray that Claire found happiness with the love of a good man.   She didn't approve of Brian's lifestyle but she had heard even he had a good man.   She cringed at the thought of the last time she had seen her son.   She cleared her mind of those thoughts, but then she saw someone.

"Hello Debbie." She said as she approached her.

"Joan." Was her one word reply.   Here was the woman that at this very moment she wished to be.   The question was would she care?

"I heard about Victor.   He and Father Butterfield were friends.   He was devasted when he passed.   I wanted to come by, but considering our pasts I did not knowif I were welcomed." Joan explained.

"You are always welcomed in my home.."   Debbie explained as she got up to leave.  She was halfway to the door but thoght better of it.   "Joan when was the last time you saw Brian?" She asked calmly.

"It had to be a few weeks ago.   I dropped off a cake for him, and he was....entertaining.   A young man.   I think his name was Justin.

"Yes.   They are still together.   They are good for each other.   Joan Brian is in the hospital. He has cancer.   I do not know anything else.   I sort of found out in a bad way and he won't let me see him anymore." Debbie told her trying her best not to cry.

"Well thanks for telling me." Joan replied removing all emotion from her face.  She turned and left the church.   Deb stood there stunned.   She could not believe she didn't care.

 

"So is this what your going to do now?" Michael shouted as he paced Brian's room.   "It was my mother she always says the wrong thins, but it killed her when she found out.  She wants to be there for you but you will not let her.   Aren't you going to say anything?" E ahouted in Brian's face.

Brian continued to stare at a spot in the ceiling.   Totally ignoring Michael.   He didn't even flinch when Michael slammed is door as he left.

 

Peta walked into her son's apartment and was shocked to see her son sitting there.

"Ben why are you here?   Don't you have a class to teach?" She asked confused at why her son was looking at her that way.

"I went to the center a few days ago to learn a couple of things to help Brian you know who I saw there?" Ben asked giving her the chance to confess her lies.

"No who was there?" She asked with her best smile

"My father mother.   My father who you swore was dead.   I was at that funeral and the tale he told me mother.   How could you leave him there in that place mother?" He asked angrily.

"You don't understand.   It was what he wanted me to do." She explained.

"Well here is your chance mother, explain." He pulled out a chair for her.

 

Joan Kinney had been walking for hours.   When Debbie had told her about Brian she had to use all her willpower not to scream out.  Her baby.   She did not condone the things that he did, but he did not deserve that.   The first thing she did was go hme and take a drink. Then she went to the attic and pulled something from a box.   She couldn't help the smile that appeared across her face.  She called for a cab her baby needed her.

 

Brian was very proud of himself.   He had run everyone away.   Everyone accept Justin. Justin was his rock and he did not look at him with pity.   Deb was sorry but he could not forgive her.   She knew what Michael meant to him and for her to think that of him.   Then maybe she did not know him at all.   He turned when he heard the door open.

 

"I know that you probably don't want me here, but I saw that Debbie woman and she told me and I'm your mother Brian and I should..."She gasped when she saw his stoma scare and change in his appearance.   "Can you talk sweetheart?" She asked.

Brian did not know the reason for his mother's appearance but he sure as hell was not talking to her.   He shook his head no.

"I am so sorry.  I have something for you." She told him pulling out something from her purse.

Brian didn't know what to feel.   It was Samson.   His mom had stitched it just for him.   It was something she had given him for the lonely nights when he was sick.   It was one of the few times he knew she loved him.   It wasnt like Jack who loved him wanting him to die.   No she loved him because she was his mother.   She didn't kiss him or anything she just turned to leave.

Could he let her leave?   She was his mommy.    The last time she would hold him and let him cry on her shoulder.   He needed that, normally he would allow Deb but she wasn't there.   He wanted to be held.   He could not ask Jen and she wanted to do it he could tell.

"Mommy." He croaked

She was around to him in seconds.   She took him in her arms and nothing matter.   Not know.  Her baby needed her.

"Its fine.   I'm here for as long as you allow.   As long as you need." She cried holding him

"Don't letgo.   Just don't let go.

 

 

 

The End? by Galesgal
Dear Faithful Readers,

I’m sorry but I will not be continuing this story. As of this moment it is marked as complete. I may return to it one day but at this time it’s just too painful to write.

When I started this story I wanted to take you on a powerful journey of trust and love. I decided that I would give Brian cancer of the throat because it had never been done before and I’m all about bringing something new to the surface. Little did I know that this would all be brought a little closer to home. When the story started getting good and I knew the direction that I was going to take it in my father came to me and told me that he was suffering from the same ailment.
I was devastated. My dad was my best friend he raised me alone since my mom had died when I was sixteen and he was my whole world. After that every time I thought about updating this story I thought about him. But you know what he was shocking everyone. Everyone expected when he started his chemo and radiation which he was taking at the same time we thought that he would be really sick but he came home singing from his treatment every day. He would drive himself to and from there and was still successfully running his trucking company.

Well I got back into the story. I was making Brian a fighter. My dad was going to beat this and so was Brian. Then the unthinkable happened my dad had a stroke. After that he gave up. He couldn’t fight but it was just too much for him. He hated people seeing him unable to walk and his speech was bad now and he decided that he wanted to be with my mother I guess cause he stopped his cancer treatment. His cancer was almost gone.


He died. He left me and every time I tried to write this story I started to think about him and how when I started this story he was fine and then before I knew it the events were happening a little too close to home so sadly I’m stopping with this story for the moment. Hopefully I will get back to it but for now it’s done.
I want to thank all my readers. I am just sorry that I couldn’t bring the ending to this story that I wanted. Who knows I may return one day? I hope you continue to read my work.

Happy Reading,

Latoya aka galesgal
Speechless by Galesgal
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Author’s Notes:   I find myself in a very writing mood and it’s time to update and complete stories.  Nano is starting and I had told myself that I was going to sign up for that this year but I decided to do something a little different that every day I would write something for one of my stories at MW.   Maybe two or three updates if the mood was right.   So sit back and get ready to read.   I’ve been missing this story, and I’m coming to terms with the loss of my dad.   If there was one thing my dad was proud of it was my writing.   He encouraged me to keep doing it so here’s to him.   A new chapter of Whisper Back Your Love.   Yea I’m shocked too.    Okay well enjoy, oh and soon I’ll fix the two previous chapters I think they were written when I was writing on the kindle so I’m aware o the mistakes.   Alright on with the show.

 

Chapter 18: Speechless

Debbie Novotny hadn’t been able to sleep all night.    She couldn’t believe Brian’s mother, she was his mother and when she told her she didn’t know what reaction she had expected, but that wasn’t it.    She didn’t have any kind of emotion, her face was tight, and then she just left the church like she couldn’t be in the same room with her after what she had told her.   That was not the kind of mother that Brian needed, then she thought about it, if she was a caring woman she wouldn’t have let Jack do what he had done to Brian for so many years right, what kind of mother would stand by and let that happen?    She had thought maybe he had battered her as well, she would admit that it was selfish of her, that sometimes she wished that was the case, but things weren’t looking good for Brian.    She couldn’t believe the things that she had said about him, Brian was a good person.   She could see through his bullshit a lot, she should have known something was going on for him not to show up when something had happened to Michael.   She was just consumed with needing something to hate, and decided it would be him.    No more though, he needed her.   She had spent the morning cooking his favorite food, it wasn’t until she was surrounded by tons of food that she realized her poor baby probably couldn’t eat any of it.    So she spent one more hour making his favorite soup, and now she stood outside his room praying that she would let him be there for him.    She took a deep breath and was about to enter his room but was stunned at what she saw.   She started to enter, but the thought better of it.   She decided to go down to the cafeteria and get something to eat.    All that cooking and she hadn’t eaten anything herself.

Brian could feel himself returning to awareness, and the smell coming to his nose made him tense immediately.    He knew that perfume anywhere, it was his mother.    What was she doing there?   Then it hit him, she had brought him Samson the night before and she held him.   She held him as he cried, she didn’t look at him with the hate that she had looked at since she found out he took up the ass.   No he saw the woman that would come to his room long after his father had beat him and tend to his wounds as she told him she was sorry.    She didn’t do it a lot, but when she did he believed her.   More importantly though, this was the woman that held him the last time he had been sick, and he remembered clearly he had cried to sleep begging her not to let go, and she hadn’t.   She was still there, she was still there and a part of him didn’t want to open his eyes because he wasn’t sure which Joan was going to be there.    The Joan of sweet kisses and chocolate chip cookies, or Saint Joan the ice queen who had been beaten down so much that she blamed her kids for something they couldn’t stop from happening to her because it was clearly happening to them as well.

“You know I could always tell when you were asleep, and when you were pretending to be.” She spoke close to his ear.

He tensed immediately, he didn’t know what she was going to say next.   He cursed the fucking medication and how it made him revert back to the scared little boy he used to be, how they made him lose the ability to put up his walls.

“Joan?” he questioned.

Joan Kinney would admit that when he called her hurt her.   Gone was the man who let her rock him to sleep, who clung to her and begged her not to go, now it had been replaced with the cold uncaring person that she could barely look at times.   What made matters worse was that she made this happen.   She had been horrible to him for so long that she didn’t blame him for not wanting her to be there.   For not knowing who exactly would be there when he woke in the morning.    Now was the time to choose, if she wanted to say something about him clearly going to hell for his lifestyle, or to be there for her son.   She decided to be there for her son, besides she needed him to be alive if she would save his soul.   She would get him through this, and then he’d see what was important.   She could do this for her son, it was about him not about his sexuality.    At this moment she would take advice from the good book, and realize that being a good mother was what was important at the moment.

“Alright, well I stayed here all night it’s time I left.” She told him rising from the bed.

He thought he could fool her but she was his mother after all, she saw the hurt look on his face.   He didn’t think she was coming back.

“Okay so here Samson you look after him, I’m going to go home and change.   I’m sure your friend will probably be along soon.” She said doing her best to keep her voice neutral.

“Justin.” He whispered.

It broke her hurt to hear his mangled voice, but she wouldn’t do this here she’d live and have her breakdown later.

“Yes Justin, that’s his name.   I’m going to go and let the two of you have a little visit, but I would like to come back later maybe bring you some soup.    Before you say anything, I’m your mother and I know how you can get I’m sure you haven’t been eating.   So, I’ll come back later around six?” she questioned.

This was it, she was giving him a way out.   He could tell her to fuck off right now and she wouldn’t come back.   The thing was he wanted her to come back.   Jennifer meant well, and she tried her best but she wasn’t his mother.   Debbie wasn’t the woman he wanted her to be, he knew that she cared for him, but he also knew that at the end of the day if it came down to him or Michael she would always pick Michael because he was her real son.   This woman loved him sometimes, always when he was sick.  He could use her now, and when he was better he could tell her to go to hell.   Besides, he knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle what he had with Justin for so long.

“Six.” He confirmed.

“Well I’ll see you then.”

She stood there for a moment fighting with what to do before she left the room.    She bent down and gently kissed him on the cheek.   She then ran her hand through his hair.   She knew that she had made the right decision when he sighed and smiled closing his eyes.   Yes she could do this, this was her Brian.

 

*Whisper*

 

Jennifer Taylor looked at her watch and saw that she had about forty minutes before she made her trek up to Brian’s room.    He was going to be let go at the end of the week, so she would probably get her mornings back, but she didn’t mind coming to the hospital and sitting with him.   They had a new kind of relationship now, and mostly everyone there thought she was his mother, until Justin was around and he called her mom as well, so then she knew that people figured that the two of them were together and she was the mother in law.    She never thought she would want to be Brian’s mother in law, but she liked it.    She had paid for her breakfast and was looking for a place to sit, she spotted Debbie having breakfast there, and she would go over.   She hoped everything was okay with Michael.

“Good morning Debbie, what brings you here this morning?   Is Michael okay?” she asked genuinely concerned.

“I came to see Brian, I said something that I know that I shouldn’t have and I need to apologize.  Why didn’t you tell me Jen?” Debbie demanded.

Jennifer was trying to read her friend.    Did she know?    Did Brian come to his senses and tell the woman that he thought of as a mother what was going on?    It was about damn time.    She didn’t know though, so her next words she chose carefully.

“Tell you what?” she asked nonchalantly.

“Don’t play coy with me, as much as you hang around with Justin lately, and that whole speech about your friend who had cancer.    You were talking about him.   I was sitting right there talking all that shit about him and you could’ve put my mind at ease if you would have just told me what was going on.   I was telling you he didn’t care for me or my boy, how could you not tell me Deb?”

“it wasn’t my place to tell you, maybe you need to think about what you were saying.   You always told me that the problem with Michael and Brian’s relationship was that he kept your son in limbo.   He would give him just enough to make him think that he loved him that way, and then he would cut it off.   Seems like if you knew that he loved your son that much that nothing would’ve have kept him from being there.    You always pick Michael, and you should he’s your son not Brian.”

Debbie thought about what she was saying and it wasn’t true, she didn’t always pick Michael, and if she did they had to realize that she was there for them both, that she loved them both.

“I love Brian.   He would come to my house bloody, and I would patch him up and send him back to those people.   I would tell him that we needed to go to the hospital and tell the cops, and he’d just look at me and say that he couldn’t do that to his mother.    He hated that woman and what was going on in that house, but at the end of the day he still wanted to protect her, how fucked up is that?    He would stay in that house and let them sick fucks do that to him?”

“They were his family Deb.   He knew what they were doing was wrong.   That’s why he would come to you and Michael, you made him feel safe, and he knew you’d always be there.    They were his family though, his blood.   He knew that if he told they’d take him away, and he knew that if they took him away he’d lose you and Michael.   I mean you weren’t capable of taking him in were you.   I mean not that you wouldn’t but the logically could you?   He didn’t want to risk losing the two of you.   He loves you so much you know.   Talks about you all the time, well until recently.”

“What do you mean recently?” Deb asked concerned.

“Oh sweetheart I thought you knew everything, Brian may never be able to talk properly again.   It’s got him scared shitless, I mean can you imagine that snarky bastard silent forever?” she told her biting into her muffin.

Debbie was shocked.    Here she was sitting in the hospital cafeteria feeling sorry for herself.   Angry that her second son was finding comfort in his own mother and not her, and not even getting the facts needed.   Brian Kinney may never talk again.   For once in her life she was speechless.

 

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