CHAPTER ONE

I walked across the empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin*

If there was one thing Justin did not feel like doing today, it was going to Mel and Lindsey's party. He had been having dreams all night of Brian. So many that eventually he had given up on sleep entirely, opting instead to indulge in his favorite guilty pleasures- drawing Brian, thinking about Brian...fantasizing about Brian. Which was essentially ridiculous because he was the one who left, right? The truth was he knew the minute he stepped onto the sidewalk of Babylon that fateful night a week ago, that he had made a terrible mistake leaving with Ethan Gold. But he had been so angry and hurt that the one night that should have belonged to him and Brian, their triumph over Chris fucking Hobbs- and yeah Michael's triumph in a sense over David Cameron, too- was the one night that Brian decided to be Rage and fuck himself at the same time. Pride and stubbornness wouldn't let Justin correct his very public mistake so he left and has been trying to make the best of the situation of his and Brian's own making ever sense.

It wasn't that Ethan was so bad. It was just that well... he wasn't Brian. The cuddling after sex is nice but that's about it. Living with Ethan had opened his eyes to a lot especially how to tell a boy from a man. Everything about Ethan is centered on his career and pretentious friends. Instead of getting a job to pay for his expenses, his parents pay for his rent and the rest he makes in tips as a street performer. Justin would have probably been able to respect that if he wasn't the one footing most of the other bills with the money he makes in tips. On average, Justin makes much more than Ethan does in tips alone or he did until he had a run-in with Michael two days ago. He didn't think Debbie knew because she hadn't called his cell phone to get the story and no one else had either. He had only been at Ethan's a week and already he's had to dip into his savings quite a few times for groceries and the like (something he definitely didn't plan to do so soon). It's also about how opposite Brian and Ethan are in terms of how they communicate with him. Brian, although domineering at times, still discussed things of importance with Justin. Their talks ranged from everything to advertising ideas to Justin's aspirations as a man and how to market his ideas and paintings. It wasn't all clubbing and fucking like people thought although they did a lot of both of those, too. It was nice to have an actual conversation over dinner that peaked his interests. With Ethan, every conversation out of his mouth was about his dreams, his goals, his...his...and more of his. Justin felt like he was just expected to be a cheerleader instead of a boyfriend or partner. One thing he could say about Brian was that even when he was tricking, Justin never felt invisible or insignificant- not even when it was he was chasing after Brian. And the sex... Justin was glad that with the exception of that one time when he was still with Brian and he'd allowed himself to be fucked instead of the other way around, he was the top in their relationship. He missed Brian and the way he could totally and completely give himself over to the Master of Sex without fear of getting hurt or reservation. Sex used to be hot and fun; now it felt like a chore and cold, perfunctory and impersonal. Justin had even contemplated making an appearance at Babylon and seducing Brian to get his needs met but wouldn't that have been counterproductive since he'd left Brian for this very thing and ultimately fucked up?

He sighed and went back to drawing his favorite subject. He knew he would have to hide this book in the morning as he had with the others. Ethan's jealousy and insecurity of Brian and his place in Justin's life was well-founded although Justin would never admit such a thing aloud. He knew he fucked up but Ethan deserved a fair chance with him even if it was under false pretenses and he deserved a life without Brian- truly unloved, unprotected and unsatisfied.

While Justin was making decisions and once again resigning himself to the fate of his own choosing, he was completely unaware of being observed surreptitiously the dark-haired man across the room on the bed.

BJBJBJBJBJBJBJBJBJBJBJ

Brian had seen Justin several times at the diner over the last few days while working...or trying to anyway. There were so many things left unsaid between them and yet Justin had made his choice. Brian had to respect that. As he laid there, wide awake and horny but not wanting anyone else, he thought of all the things he should have said to prevent Justin from leaving him; all the things he could have done. But what good would that have been for either of them? Even if Brian had been able to tell Justin what he wanted to hear- what he apparently needed to hear- it still wouldn't have stopped him from walking out of Babylon in front of everyone. They still would have been at the party for Rage, Brian still would have fucked his comic book-to-life character and Ian still would have shown up. It was better this way. Justin got to make the choice and Brian finally had his life back. What a life.

Brian hadn't had anyone over to the loft since Justin left, not wanting anyone else in their bed- someone else's scent on the midnight blue ones which looked so erotic as a backdrop to blond hair, cerulean blue eyes and creamy alabaster skin. Michael and Lindsey hadn't even been allowed to come by even though they'd left countless messages. He'd changed the security code after Mel and Lindsey had barged in about Gus and preschool, right when he was spanking Justin's ass playfully. They had called the company that night and changed the code to their ages on the night they met. Somehow it seemed fitting that the only other person who had the code was the one person who should be here lying next to him...but wasn't. Tonight when he'd gotten home from work, Brian realized just how much "the loft" became just a place again. There were no pleasant smells of spices and carbs coming from the kitchen while loud music blared from the stereo while Justin cooked. There was no loud and long curses filling the air as Justin once again overworked his right hand getting his assignments done for school or to sell. There was nothing but silence... and that Brian hated most of all. His loft no longer felt like ‘home.' Justin had permeated every portion of his life including the place where he now laid wide awake yearning for the same man he'd willingly pushed off a Kinney cliff. The one person he should have never gotten involved with; the one person he should never have let go of.

The sad blue eyes are what haunted Brian the most, especially in the dead of night when most of the world was sleeping. It seemed he couldn't drink enough or take enough drugs to quell the visual; couldn't fuck himself into oblivion to eradicate the feelings which assailed him every time they came into focus. It wasn't so much the anger or even the hurt which impacted Brian but the resignation in the blue orbs he'd come to know and love as much as his own. Justin was done fighting. He was tired. Brian had finally done what he'd been trying to do since day one; he was finally rid of the annoying twink. So why didn't it feel like a victory? Brian rolled over reaching across himself for his pack of cigarettes. Settling onto his back, he touched the empty side of the bed wishing the warm body of his favorite blond was there. He missed the little sounds Justin made when he was asleep; missed how Justin's foot would hook across his ankle in the middle of the night to make sure he wasn't alone. Would Ian even know what to do if Justin had an anxiety attack or a nightmare? Brian scoffed into the silence. He doubted it. He didn't believe he could even wipe his own fucking nose let alone take care of Justin. He'll be back. He has to come back. Brian had to believe that because nothing else would be acceptable. He knew Justin and no matter how much he pretended otherwise, Brian knew that the bravest, horniest and one of the most intelligent people he knew, could not spend his life settling for Ian. Justin Taylor was much too ambitious, insatiable and tenacious to be happy with someone who wasn't his equal in all things and Paganini, Junior was NOT it.

With that thought, Brian stubbed out his cigarette, hugged Justin's pillow to him which still held the boy's sweet scent even now and finally fell asleep.