Define His Will by Flossee
FeatureSummary:

stories/1226/images/Define_His_Will_1.jpg

Whose Will must prevail?  

You will not understand my OOC B/J is you haven't read "Define Normal", "Define MY Brian" and "Define Art" as this is the fourth fic in the series.  I know it sounds a lot, but they are very short fics.  Promise. LOL

Many thanks to my beta, the lovely STARFIRE64 (Janet).  Normally I would leave my beta acknowledgement at that, but Janet is using her small phone screen and thumbs to edit the chapters for me.  I can't thank her enough for the effort she is putting in to help me.   


Categories: FEATURED STORY, QAF-U.S. FICTION, Alternate Universe, Angst, Brian/Justin, Drama, Out of Character Characters: Brian, Justin, Lindsay, Melanie
Challenges: None
Series: Define Normal
Chapters: 4 Completed: Yes Word count: 10561 Read: 15579 Published: June 11, 2014 Updated: July 03, 2014
Story Notes:

You will not understand my OOC B/J is you haven't read "Define Normal", "Define MY Brian" and "Define Art" as this is the fourth fic in the series.  I know it sounds a lot, but they are very short fics.  Promise. LOL

No Copyright infringement intended

 

1. Chapter 1 by Flossee

2. Chapter 2 by Flossee

3. Chapter 3 by Flossee

4. Chapter 4 by Flossee

Chapter 1 by Flossee
Author's Notes:

Justin has been raised in an Amish community.  Brian and Justin have both changed their lives considerable to be with each other.  

 

Brian enters the loft to sounds emanating from the bathroom.  He knows immediately Justin is home alone.  He moves as quietly as he can and stands in the open doorway, leaning on the doorpost and enjoying the view.  Justin rarely shuts the door when he is home by himself as he can't hear the telephone should Brian ring; which is only a problem because Justin still isn't accustomed to using his cell.  Brian admires his husband's physique while he can as he knows the resonance will stop and Justin will straighten his stance once he realizes he is being watched.  The vision of his husband's naked form is one he will never tire of, yet today there is an aching tugging at his heart knowing his lover is experiencing such turmoil.  The unyielding struggle his husband is enduring is the reason Brian needed, little to no reason, for returning home from his work day early.  He is only watching of a few minutes and sure enough as soon as Justin catches a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye the sound he is making immediately stops.

 

Brian knows what he has just witnessed is Justin's way of relieving tension.  Ever since Justin had discovered the acoustics in the bathroom and how it enhances a person's voice, as he showers the same tune fills the room.  Amazing Grace; Justin's favourite hymn and the only song that calms him while he seeks clarity towards a decision that is agreeable to his new lifestyle and his upbringing.  Brian notices the change in Justin's posture as he tries to disguise his emotions from taking on a physical form.  He does not ask Justin to talk about what has him using this stress relieving technique.  Instead he asks.  "Can I join you?"

 

Justin nods his reply.  Brian is hoping that even though it is only four in the afternoon he can bring a small respite to his husband's turmoil by persuading him to partake in a little afternoon delight.  He reaches for a condom before he enters the bathroom.  Up to this point fellatio and masturbating each other are all they indulge in while showering.  Brian steps into the shower cubicle and holds up the condom for his man to see what he is suggesting.  Justin's head angles slightly to the side and as Brian recognizes the question in his husband's expression, he comprehends his lover doesn't understand how his suggestion is to take place.  "We can do it standing, my love."  Hearing this term of endearment instantly heightens Justin's arousal.   His desire increasing again as he envisages being locked in his husband's embrace, knowing Brian will lovingly prepare him for the new intimate connection they are about to experience.  There is nothing Brian would purposefully do to physically or mentally harm him so Justin willingly surrenders complete control, and in doing so their emotional and loving affection quickly becomes erotic, resulting in the ecstasy of deep simultaneous gratification.

 

As they tenderly towel dry each other, Justin speaks.  "I want to do that to you."

 

"Hmm, the height difference may make if difficult, but we can give it a shot."

 

"No not top you, or is it called something else if you are behind me?"  Justin doesn't wait for the answer once he sees the blank look on Brian's face.  Brian has only ever known the roles as top or bottom.  "Never mind, I will call it giving and receiving, as I relish receiving your love while you are giving it to me.  However, it's the other thing I want to do."

 

"Rim me."

 

"Rim, is that what it is called?"

 

"I have done that to you before."

 

"I know.  I just wasn't sure what to call it."

 

"You can do that to me whenever you like."

 

"Can I?  Then can I give you my love?"

 

"Absolutely."  Upon hearing Brian's positive response Justin smiles as he walks from the bathroom naked and goes to the wardrobe where he takes out a pair of the jeans Brian purchased.  He pulls them on, however he hasn't fastened the fly.  Brian's manhood instantly becomes erect again and is demanding immediate attention, yet he needs to express his apprehension as to Justin's reason for this action.  "There is no pressure for you to wear them Justin.   You can take the lead without doing something in return for me."

 

"I don't want to waste them Brian so I have decided I could wear them around the loft with a long tee shirt for cover.  I know you have no intention of returning them."

 

Brian thinks all his crappy childhood Christmas' have just been redeemed at this very moment.  He removes Justin's hand from the fly to stop him from doing it up and hiding the tuff of unkempt hair from protruding through the opening.  He immediately moves to stand behind his man.  His hand delves into the fly and encircles Justin's manhood.  He has never had a dream so literally come true. 

 

Justin pulls away as guilt now overtakes his emotions.  He voices the only thing he can think of to rectify the situation.  He suggests they continue on with the chores they should be doing, as marital activities at this time of the day is an indulgence they have already enjoyed.  Brian can't think beyond his heightened state of arousal so he dashes to the bathroom.  Justin also moves quickly towards the bathroom worried as to what has Brian in such a frantic state; he stops dead in the doorway staring uncomprehendingly as he sees his man pleasuring himself. 

 

"Brian?"  Justin has spoken with an unmistakable tone of disbelief and surprise.  Brian hadn't locked the door, hell, he hadn't even taken the time to shut the door.  He turns and sees Justin once again in his jeans and the fly still hasn't been fastened; he explodes into his hand.  "I apologize Brian.  I flaunted myself by wearing these jeans in front of you, causing you to abuse your body."  Seeing Justin have such a strong reaction to him masturbating Brian is relieved that up until now he has only undertaken this activity at work since Justin entered his life.  He ponders what Justin would think if he knew the truth.

 

From their first coupling, love making with Justin has been very satisfying, so much so, that on many occasions they only indulge in one round before the emotional energy drains both their bodies and sleep claims them.  Nonetheless, Ted is the reason Brian's sexual desires now bubble over and haunt his working day.  Ted had used the camera on his cell to take several photographs the night of Brian and Justin's marriage celebration.  Both Brian and Justin had been unaware of any such shots being taken.  It wasn't until Ted presented Brian with the images did Brian's indulgence begin.  Ted took many photos that evening; however the ones Brian placed on his screen saver, the ones that taunted him whenever they appeared are of the kiss Justin bestowed on him that evening; it was the very first kiss his husband had instigated in public.  Justin has never seen these photographs as very early in their relationship when Brian discovered Justin had no images of his parents he become aware that Amish people want to be remembered by the lives they lived and the examples they left, not by their physical appearance so his husband would never want a photograph of his own image.  Nevertheless, Brian has no problem with ogling his husband's image and once it appears on his computer screen his mind immediately returns to the following kiss they shared that evening.  There are no photographs of that kiss, the one that almost had him ejaculate while carrying his husband to their marital bed, yet the vivid memory that is invoked arises and he is lost to the desires of the flesh and he gives in to his weakness.   Sometimes he gives in several times a day. 

 

Brian does not acknowledge his husband's words; he knows Justin will feel guilt about the result of him flaunting himself no matter what he says.  He is disappointed the jeans will no longer be part of Justin's wardrobe, yet he will not lie to try and convince him that they were not the cause of what he has just witnessed.  Also he is more than happy for Justin to know it was his form that had him in such a state.  So Brian stays mute as he cannot see any harm in Justin believing this is a onetime occurrence and he lets the situation play out as Justin sees it.  

 

As the men moved on to other daily activities Justin's mind goes back to why he was singing in the shower when Brian arrived home.  He ponders the opportunity that has presented itself and the very purpose of the proposal.  Confusion once again reins as his worlds collide.  He trusts only prayers and time will tell if he makes the right decision.  He is pulled from his contemplation by a knock at the door. 

 

Brian rolls back the loft door and ushers Mel and Lindsay to the settee.  These women are the last two people Justin wants to see right now.  He moves to the kitchen and doesn't attempt to join the group.  Brian offers drinks which are politely refused and both women look towards Justin as if waiting for him to join them.  Brian can see his husband is not going to move so he goes to him.  Although Brian hasn't requested a drink, Justin hands him the coffee he has busied himself making so he wouldn't have to join the trio.  Brian takes a mouthful from his cup as Justin whispers in his ear and the drink is sprayed all over the kitchen counter.   It has managed to spray out of his nose and his mouth.  He doesn't recover immediately so he cleans up the mess he has made, giving himself time to comprehend his husbands words.  Meanwhile Justin goes to the bathroom where he locks the door with no intention of coming out again while the women are present. 

 

"Will he be long?"  Lindsay is sure Justin has no intention of returning while they are present.

 

"He won't come out again until you leave."

 

"We don't want to push him into answering, but it has been a week."

 

Mel and Lindsay aren't trying to push Justin into a decision, they have just become excited about the possibility of this blond haired, blue eyed, artist with such a loving personality, becoming the father to their second child they so desperately want.  The women had discussed it the first night they meet this wonderful man and were relieved to think they might not have to use anyone on the list they had prepared.  It was only a week ago at Debbie and Carl's wedding did they ask him, barely five months after Justin had entered their lives.  Justin had commented on how love can be found in the most surprising places at the most unexpected times.  He had heard the story of how Debbie met Carl, when Carl had been assigned a case the homophobic cops referred to as "Dumpster Boy".  Nonetheless, even his and Brian's meeting would attest to his words.  Of course Justin had added, God works in mysterious ways and His will should never be questioned. 

 

Justin's sentiment had made the women hopeful as they know Brian loves their son and it was very much unexpected even to Brian that he loved him so much.  The women's request is for Justin to have the same arrangement as Brian has and they hoped that knowing the child will be raised in the same household as Brian's son will help Justin with his decision.  They also made it clear the child will be very much wanted and loved.  The women have been so sweet about the whole ordeal since they have become more understanding of Justin's mindset and they are trying to be very patient, although excitement is overruling their patience at the moment.  However, Brian doesn't see it that way and is annoyed by the persistence the women display. 

 

"He has only been in our lives for five months.  This is a lot to ask of anyone no matter how long you have known them.  He has no Amish clergy to guide him and he is battling to make sense of all the new opportunities that are now available to him.  It is extremely difficult for him being thrust in to a world with so many more possibilities than he has ever known.   I can't explain how much pressure you have put him under...put both of us under.  I will tell you he believes children should be created naturally if it is at all possible."

 

"So he won't help us."

 

Melanie joins the conversation.  "He does realize Lindsay and I are missing a vital ingredient to create a child.  He understands that, right?"

 

"He understands exactly what you are asking, and what his contribution would be."

 

"So he just won't help us."

 

"He said he will help you.  Stipulating that a child should be made naturally, if possible."

 

 

End Notes:

Constructive criticism is appreciated, but nice reviews are even better. 

 

Chapter 2 by Flossee

 

Brian and Justin arrive at Mel and Lindsay's home.  Brian is standing behind Justin and indicates with the movement of his head that he and Lindsay should excuse themselves, leaving Mel and Justin alone.  Lindsay is quick to recognize the gesture and remarks she has some brochures in the bedroom of possibly kindergartens for Gus and she would value Brian's opinion. 

 

Brian hasn't even tried to prepare Justin for his part in making a child in the way he suggests.  He knows Justin won't be able to naturally impregnate Mel and that is why they have never discussed the situation beyond Justin proposing it, as he doesn't want to get his husband's hopes up.  Nonetheless, he is optimistic not all will be forsaken today, he hopes once Justin realizes the magnitude of the demand he has placed upon himself and his inability to carry it out he may consider artificial means. 

 

Justin is standing in the living room facing Mel.  His eyes have not left the floor since he entered the house and now the ceiling seems to be holding his interest.  He is willing his eyes to lower so he can see Mel as he speaks to her.  However, he isn't able.  Mel takes charge.  She pulls the sweat pants she is lounging in, to the floor.  Brian had called before they arrived and Mel is ready to help Justin realize they will never make a baby together naturally.  She is now standing in a tee shirt and very large, unattractive panties.  Justin can see the action even if he won't look directly at her.  "Justin if we are going to make a baby the natural way you will need to remove your trousers."  Mel knows this will never happen.  Justin has been avoiding Mel and Lindsay from the moment Brian had relayed his request, and now he can't even look at her to discuss the situation so the physical act will never occur.   Mel, Lindsay and Brian all know the facade Justin is displaying comes from the logic he has surmised due to his desire to become a father, and that has seen him come thus far.  They are also well aware that facade is about to give way to realism. 

 

Justin's mind is working overtime.  He is standing in front of a woman who is partially undressed.  He knows he can't remove his trousers.  Even if he hadn't gone commando today he still wouldn't be able to remove them.  "I can't.  I'm sorry; I thought making a child that was wanted would be easy.  However there is one ingredient I didn't see as missing.  Love.  A child made this way is not conceived with love." 

 

Brian and Lindsay have been standing at the top of the stairs and Brian thinks it is time to intervene.  He knew he would need to support his man once reality set in.  He goes directly to Justin and embraces him.  Justin is devastated as the realization that he will never become a father dawns on him.  It was only ever a possibility that entered his mind when the girls had asked him to father their child and though it was a short lived possibility it is devastating that the dream vanished so quickly.

 

Justin is trembling in Brian's arms; still he has managed to maintain his composure.  The girls try to comfort him by suggesting Justin helps them the same way Brian had.  Justin seems unwilling at this point to even entertain the notation as again love would be absent.  Brian is aware of the difficulties Justin tried to overcome to make a child, he will never ask, yet he can't even imagine how Justin got beyond sins like coveting a neighbour's wife or adultery, although neither might apply in this circumstance, because Justin never wanted Mel and adultery was questionable since all four involved agreed with the arrangement.  Nevertheless, the fact Brian is the only person Justin willingly touches beyond a handshake or congratulatory hug is a difficulty he knew could not be overcome.  Brian is also very aware of why Justin is reluctant to even consider artificial insemination as even if his husband could overcome the missing element of love it isn't as simple as Justin jerking off in a cup, as he did, since Justin would see that as gratifying oneself. 

 

*****

 

He lifts himself on to his elbows and knees.  His husband doesn't miss a beat; he moves his tongue between his lover's buttocks.  Brian has only rimmed Justin on a few occasions, and normally he is a quick study, yet this time he seems to be holding back.  Justin's efforts are indescribable; good...no...bad...no...laughable...maybe?  Brian tries desperately to hold his composure to see where this leads.  Justin is rimming him like a person painting by number, a specific place for each stroke.  Brian tries to lean into his husband's caress only for his lover to pull back slightly.  He takes this gesture to mean Justin doesn't enjoy rimming and he doesn't want Justin doing anything he isn't comfortable with.  "You don't have to do this if you don't want to, my love.  Not everyone enjoys rimming."  Justin wasn't cognizant that he was giving such a bad rim job, but he takes Brian's words as his way of telling him he isn't doing something correctly.   He decides not to hold back and is led by his desire to bring his man pleasure, resulting in his lover very quickly becoming ready for their union. 

 

As this new experience heightens and fades into a memory, Brian's thoughts replay once again the heartbreak of Justin's words.  He doesn't hold Justin responsible as his husband doesn't know how deeply the words cut him.  Justin had spoken about how a child should be made from love and he didn't see masturbating into a cup that way.  Brian knows he never loved Gus until the moment he laid eyes on him, he also knows the love he has for his son is strong and it would rival any love of a parent who had made their child naturally.   

 

Both men adore the time they spend entwined in each other's bodies after expressing their love.  Discovering what their partner's lives were like before they met and making plans together for the future.  If sleep doesn't claim them they can lay like this for hours holding each other, kissing and connecting beyond their physical desires.  They can discuss anything, nothing is off limits, be it humbling or troublesome.    Which is why Brian now wants to approach the subject which has left him feeling so low.  Justin is pleased his husband is ready to talk as he has noticed that Brian's thoughts were preoccupying recently; however, neither man will ever push, always waiting for the other to be ready to express them self. 

 

Brian begins the conversation by telling Justin about the problems Lindsay is having finding a kindergarten that doesn't discriminate against children of same sex couples.  He tells Justin how small minded people irritate him as Gus is no different than any other child vying for one of the vacant placements.  He makes sure to add that he loves Gus and the realization of how much had surprised him; a realization only truly discovered through Justin and Molly being abandoned.  He goes on to say he never expected to ever love another human being so much that their happiness was far more important than his own.  He kisses Justin on the forehead indicating to him that Justin's happiness is also far more important than his own.  He adds he is glad it was God's will that he experience the joys of fatherhood; a joy he didn't know existed until the day arrived.  Although Brian has been trying to make Justin understand how much he loves Gus the conversation has come to signify so much more. 

 

As he is lying in Brian's arm in the afterglow of giving love to his man Justin listens to the love Brian speaks about, knowing it must be a deep love his husband experiences for his son, allowing him to place the child's happiness above his own.  His parents have displayed that love for Molly and himself when they left them so they could live a full life, a life without fear of apprehension by the law.  Justin's mind is starting to once again embrace the fact he may become a father one day and experience such love, a selfless love where he would do anything to ensure his child's happiness.  When Justin first asked about Gus' conception Brian had explained how Molly and he were conceived as he felt Justin had a right to know and he reiterates that now.  Conception isn't the mere act of love; love grows for a child after conception.  Justin considers Brian's word; his own father had obviously helped to create both he and Molly, however he couldn't be sure to what degree is acceptable.  He recognizes his thinking could be flawed, yet that is inconsequential for now as he doesn't believe at this stage he could abuse his body in order to create a life.  

 

*****

 

Justin opens the loft door and enters; Brian is immediately on his feet when he sees the look on Justin's face.  It's the same look he has seen on a few occasions, yet one he detests seeing.  It is the look of pure sadness.  Brian knows Justin has spent the morning with Joan as they have been going to church together each Sunday.  Since Justin no longer has Amish clergy to guide him he has welcomed Joan and her churches' comfort as he battles to maintain his relationship with God.  Joan is standing just outside the loft door waiting to be invited in, however before Justin can do this Brian jumps to the wrong conclusion and yells at her. "What the fuck have you done?  Why is he so upset?  I suppose you told him wanting a child is wrong for fags?" 

 

Justin turns in Joan's direction and invites her in.  He moves close and embraces her.   He speaks calmly.  "Please forgive the words he speaks.  He is very protective as his love for me knows no bounds."

 

Brian immediately knows he has got the wrong end of the stick as Justin automatically backs him if harsh words are ever spoken and he would normally do it very calmly and with a Bible reference if Joan were involved.  Brian now assumes his husband's sadness is not due to any confrontation or discussion he has had with Joan about wanting to become a father.  He knew Justin was going to talk to her about it today and he was ready for the fallout.  As Brian calms Joan divulges the reason for her visit.  She has lung cancer and has been given a very short time to live.  Justin is devastated.  He is going to lose another parent figure.  He and Joan have become close, they are an unlikely pair.  Joan and Justin have a mutual respect for one another and if Brian cared a little more for his mother he might even be jealous of their bond. 

 

*****

 

Brian and Justin acknowledge Justin's longing to become a father never really left him.  Even after his inability to make it a reality, and since Brian conveyed his feelings for his son, Justin's yearning has only increased.  They are in bed and their marital activities have begun for the evening.  Brian requests Justin roll onto his stomach and then rise to all fours tonight.  He enters his husband and as his husband's euphoria heightens he reaches around and starts masturbating him.  Justin has never touched himself to reach climax, Brian has always done it for him.  This evening Brian has brought an extra item to their bed.  It is just under the bed covers and as Brian reaches for Justin's manhood to bring him to completion he grabs the item and holds it just beneath Justin's body.  Justin is too far gone and is unaware of what Brian is doing.  "Tell me how much you love the way our bodies are joined, and that our union is a demonstration of our pure love for each other."

 

"I am insatiable for your touch, and if I can't hear your heart beat you are too far away.  When you fall asleep inside of me and my skin is stained with your love, I rejoice.  The love that connections us touches my very sole."

 

"Tell me my love, tell me you love me."

 

"You do something deep inside that makes me truly yours, allowing me to love you more with every breath I take.  I love you; I cherish you, always and forever, my Brian."  Justin has spoken from the heart as his body struggles for breath.  He just manages to release the final words before he releases the pressure. 

 

As soon as Justin climaxes Brian pulls out.  Justin spins around to see why.  Brian is holding up a plastic cup with Justin's sperm in it.  "It is your choice.  I can flush this down the toilet or it is your chance to become a father.  If you decide it is God's will whether you become a father or not I want you to understand, you just spilled your seed confessing your love for me...for us...for our union."

 

Justin looks deep within his lover's eyes, what he see there is always a reflection of the love he feels for his husband and at this very moment that certainly holds true.  The love they share gives Justin no reason to think beyond Brian's actions and the two words he has voiced; God's will.  He trusts God has a plan for their future and he will gladly follow whatever it may be.  He vigorously shakes his head. 

 

 

End Notes:

Constructive criticism is appreciated, but nice reviews are even better.  

Chapter 3 by Flossee
Author's Notes:

WARNING:  This is a very sad chapter and I don't think there are any categories that cover it so I am giving this warning.   

 

Although Justin agreed by vigorously shaking his head in the affirmative, he stipulated the women must also confess their love for each other as they attempt to create a child.  Justin would not agree to donate any more sperm other than the one loving cup full.  His reasoning being if it was God's will he become a father then it would come to pass.  To everyone's surprise the four soon-to-be parents are now having their first ultrasound.  Justin didn't realize what an ultrasound was, and is now sitting on the opposite side of the curtain to the other three parents.  He didn't want to see Mel's naked belly and even though he was assured a sheet would be covering her nether region he had discreetly, yet hastily, retreated.  As the picture appears on the screen Justin hears ooh's and aah's emanating from the other side of the dividing curtain.  Even Brian seems excited.  Brian comes around to where Justin is sitting.  "Mel is covered Justin and our baby wants to meet all its parents."

 

Justin thought Brian's words very strange.  How would they meet their baby before it is born?  Only curiosity has him rise from his chair and let Brian lead him to stand in front of the monitor.  Justin turns his head almost immediately, "Brian, this is a graven image."

 

"It's not a permanent image Justin and you aren't worshipping it so please just see it as our child."  Justin is happy Brian could justify him looking at the images.  However, he is quick to answer negatively when he is asked if he would like a copy to take home. 

 

It isn't until the following ultrasound that Justin realizes just how much he has fallen in love with their unborn child and he now fully understands what Brian had explained about love developing after conception.  He happily goes to the appointment and Brian once again guides him to a place in front of the ultrasound monitor, making sure none of Mel's body parts are exposed.  Justin watches as the technician points out the baby's form.  The head, the arms and the legs.  Three legs to be exact.  Justin is horrified; God has created a deformity in their child because of him, because of his lifestyle.  He sinks into Brian's embrace apologizing for what has happened.  The three other parents and the technician stifle their laughter as Brian explains that there is another baby hiding behind the one they could see clearly.  "Twins; we are having twins.  Mel and Lindsay you are having twins."  Justin's voice is joyous as he can't believe how generous God has been. 

 

Although Mel and Lindsay thought Justin's initial response to the image was adorable they aren't sharing his enthusiasm as the situation sinks in.  They know multiple births put a strain on any marriage and their marriage has already experienced some very turbulent times.  Brian notices and he knows what is going to be suggested.  Immediately his thoughts go to his husband's mindset.  Justin is a soft gentle sole; still he doesn't think that alone makes him a good candidate to be a fulltime father.  He is only twenty two, yet very much a man, conversely when it comes to the ways of the world he is still a child.  This will impact both their lives greatly and many of their future plans would need to be abandoned.  Brian thinks it is very unfair of Mel and Lindsay to even think they should be the solution to an event they should have foreseen as twins are prominent in Mel's family.  "No."  Is all Brian says, however the tone says more than the word.  He is warning them to not put this on Justin's shoulders.  Mel and Lindsay don't protest.

 

*****

 

Justin contemplates the situation he is faced with as he is driven home.  This is a future he could never have envisaged and one he is not willing to impose upon his beloved husband.   He couldn't have foreseen this; still he believes he has no right to think he can just insert his son into Brian's life, like he was.  Justin knows how much his life impacted Brian's and he can't do that to him again, especially since Brian has frequently expressed that the situation of the women raising Gus is ideal for him because, as much as he loves his son, he isn't equipped with the knowledge or desire to raise a child.  His thoughts are interrupted as Lindsay makes sure to reiterate the focus of the evening as Justin exits her car. 

 

Brian has been away again without his man and as he enters his home he becomes infuriated.  Mel and Lindsay have once again invited Justin for dinner and this time they have filled his head with talk of parenthood.  They are desperate for Justin to commit to taking one of the twins when they are born and raise the child with Brian.  They know one is a boy and the other a girl.  They want the girl.  Tonight Mel and Lindsay have gone beyond the pale by telling Justin they will have to put the boy up for adoption if he can't take it. 

 

Once again Brian finds his husband dressed in his Amish clothes sitting on the corner of the settee, his Bible is compressed between his legs as he hugs them to his chest and his head is resting on his knees.  He is mumbling incoherently as if trying to clarify the situation as he seeks spiritual guidance.  His earlier reasoning had helped him to stay in control in the presence of the women; however it is not helping his state of mind now.  He doesn't even realize Brian is home; Brian only figures out what is going on when Justin's muttering becomes a little stronger.  His husband's ramblings are exposing everything as he repeats over and over again what the girls frequently said during the meal; adoption.  Adoption, adoption, the word rings loudly in his head.

 

Brian bends down in front of his man.  He takes both his husband's hands in his and with one finger moves Justin's face so he can look into his eyes.  What he sees is beyond belief, where normally love is reflected there is only an abyss filled with pain and confusion.  Brian cannot fathom the undercurrent of melancholy he is witnessing through his husband's touch so he offers the only comforting words that come to him.  He promises his husband whatever happens he will never lose his son from his life.  He gently assures him whatever the women have stated there are other options.  Although Justin seems to register Brian's words he cannot be comforted.  Justin despairs as he mulls over what he perceives to be the only other alternative and that is only slightly better than adoption; he could place his son in foster care in the hopes that one day they could be a family.  He ponders if he is strong enough to place one love above another, and above his desire.

 

Brian guides his distraught husband to bed and lays there holding him knowing sleep most likely will elude them.  Eventually emotional exhaustion takes over and as Justin fitfully slumbers Brian reaches for his phone.  He rings the girls and he lets them know what he thinks about them choosing one child over another because of its sex and he also lets them know they will probably place the boy in foster care.  He is furious the girls think their lives should go in a direction they are dictating because of their ill thought out plan to increase their family.

 

*****

 

It is now thirty seven weeks after conception and Mel has been rushed to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning.  Brian and Justin arrive within minutes of the birth.  The men greet both their children into the world.  Mel tells Justin the foster liaison will be at the hospital in the morning if he would like to see his son before they take him.  Justin and Brian had only just walked into the room when she made this announcement.  Brian looks at his husband's devastated face, then to his son, and then back to his husband.  "Cancel her visit; we have another option."

 

Mel and Lindsay were never going to let Brian place their son in foster care or put their son up for adoption, still they had continued to call Brian's bluff throughout the pregnancy, hoping he would soften to Justin's unspoken desire of wanting to raise the child.  The women now believe their plan has backfired as Brian's words seem ominous. 

 

Justin is standing in an atmosphere of empty silence.  His world spins and he becomes dazed and confused.  His mind is trying to comprehend what his husband is saying.  Has Brian changed his mind?  Is he going to allow their son to be adopted as the women had suggested?  Justin begs.  "Brian please; I believe love preserves, it stays true, it never fades.  I will sacrifice happiness now if it allows us to one day become a family.  Please allow our son to be fostered and maybe in time and without imposition or too much of a lifestyle alteration we can accommodate him in the future plans you have voiced."

 

Brian was dumbfounded by Justin's words.  Justin has never expressed a desire to raise their son.  Justin had been the one to suggest fostering which Brian had assumed was because neither he nor his husband had the experience or knowledge in how to raising a child and their son's needs outweighed everything else, even their happiness.  Reality now indicates differently.  His husband's words were very telling and the selflessness in the verse pay witness to Justin's loving sacrifice.  The self-sacrificing love that Justin is displaying, displaying for him by giving up their son; this selfless love, it is beyond palatable and it has become a presence that refuses to be ignored.  Justin wants them to nurture their son, although he thinks he will be interrupting Brian's life plan should his desire be known.  He is doing the only thing he can see as the solution to this untenable situation.  Brian respected his husband's intentions, although now the time has come, Brian can see Justin's heart will be shredded if he is parted from their child.  Brian considers how he could have possibly misread Justin's wishes and he believes it was because he thought the women were bluffing and they would eventually crumble and raise their son alongside his sister. 

 

He turns to face Justin and holds him at arm's length so he can see his face clearly.  "Justin, our son is a blessing and we might stumble along the way, but WE will raise him the best we can."  He watches as the pure sadness expressed on his husband's face is replaced with absolute happiness.  The tears of joy he hoped to someday see slip from Justin's eyes don't disappoint; they are beyond any happiness Brian has ever seen Justin display and the raw emotion is overwhelming for both men.   He now knows Justin would surely have died inside if he had allowed their son to be taken from them.  The powerful life changing truth was, he too would not have survived the separation; the thought of abandoning their son for a lifestyle, as the women seem able to do, is unfathomable to him.  He and Justin will have a lot of adjusting to do; still he is confident if they could change their lifestyle so easily for each other then they can do it again for their son.  Brian's immediate priority now is that he assures Justin that he loves and very much wants their infant son.  He lifts their son into a loving protective hug and kisses him on the forehead while making him a solemn promise.  "I promise you this; although we will make mistakes along the way you will never doubt that we love you and very much want you in our lives.  I love you my sonny boy, and I always will." 

 

*****

 

Both dads spend a few hours with their children before Brian is to catch a plane to New York.  Brian will only be gone for the day and should be home again that evening.  As the plane lands in Pittsburgh and Brian disembarks he switches his phone on.  He has several new messages, mostly from Mel and Lindsay which he assumes is them calling to make sure he hasn't changed his mind on raising their son, so he will wait and listen to them later.  He goes directly to the hospital as Justin had called upon his arrival in New York to tell him his mother had been admitted.  Two nights earlier Justin had told Brian his mother had been extremely low and the doctors didn't think she had much longer.  They agreed to meet at Joan's bedside on his return to Pittsburgh. 

 

On entering the hospital he asks for Joan Kinney's room and is directed to the second floor.  As he arrives at the room he walks in and gives his mother a kiss.   He can see she is looking very pale and in ill health.  Jack is sitting quietly in the corner as Brian greets both of them.  He asks if Justin is in the hospital and she informs him he should go straight to him, stating Justin has been to see her; in fact he has just left with their son to return to their daughter in the nursery so the children could be together.  She hurries Brian along and he takes this to mean she wants him to remember her as she is at this moment.  He kisses her again and hugs his mother knowing it will be for the last time.

 

Brian arrives at the nursery where Justin is sitting holding their son.  Justin has his back to Brian as he enters.  Brian can see the loving hug Justin cradles their son in.  "It's God's will Brian."  Brian is unsure why Justin would say that.  He moves closer and extends his arms so Justin will allow him to hold their child.  "God has a reason for allowing this to happen ...we may never understand His wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will.....It's God's will."  Justin repeats almost in a comatose state; if he didn't know the words by rote they would never have been voiced.  Brian immediately knows what Justin refers to.  Justin is holding their son's limp body.  He stands cradling their most precious bundle while Brian encircles both his son and his lover in a warm embrace as the father's rest their foreheads together.   Justin is not crying as he is beyond tears and Brian tries desperately to stay strong, yet fails miserably.   He will never forgive himself for not being cognizant of his husband's desire which resulted in Justin believing he was not going to be allowed to raise their son.  Justin was only allowed to bask in the love of his son and their lives ahead for a few short hours because when it did become a reality it was suddenly taken from him.  Brian sheds tears for his son and for his husband as Justin holds tight to the infant encompassing him in love.  God's plan for humanity, His will, is incomprehensible so Justin preys against God's will for his son life, and through his grief he cannot see the absurdity of such prayer.       

 

 

End Notes:

Thank you to the people who have this in their favourites and a special thank you to the person who added this to their favourites after this chapter.  I really needed that kind of support as I was actually expecting a backlash over this chapter.  Thank you so very much. :)  

 

Chapter 4 by Flossee
Author's Notes:

Datt = Father in Pennsylvanian Dutch.    

 

He sees him when he falls asleep and the future he will never have.  ‘Never to hold again and never to nurture' are the words that have interwoven themselves in Justin's continuous nightmare.  He wakes panicked and a mournful sigh escapes his lips.  Although it is not loud, it is enough to wake Brian as he has been dealing with Justin's nightmares since they lost their son.  Justin's emotions are beyond grief and Brian perceives it is because he hasn't been able to let go.  He believes, he, also hasn't fully been able to fathom the depths of their loss.  Their son had died, Brian's mother had died and Justin had shed no tears.  Brian never thought he would ever question the will of a deity, as he didn't believe in a divine being, conversely he now constantly wonders why Justin's God would do this to a man that worships Him.  As Brian contemplates a God that may hold their son in His hands he enfolds his husband in his.   Although both men desired sleep without visions of their loss this nightmare has triggered Justin back to reality.  As their bodies tremble and their faces are mirror images streaked with pain and love, they cry their tears for their lost child.  Letting go is the most agonizing experience either man has endured and as they cling to each other they know they will not face this alone.

 

  *****

 

The following day Justin stands in front of his easel.  He hasn't planned any subject.  He needs to catch up on work required for his classes.  His paint brush dabs and slides across the canvas.  Brian is watching from a distance, it is like his husband is in a trance.  As time passes Brian can see the form Justin has replicated.  It is their son.  He knew this painting as a photograph.  It is the one he took with his phone as they entered the hospital room and Justin had immediately picked up the child.  It was taken moments before Mel had declared the Adoption Liaison Officer was coming to take their son away.   Justin had a smile that radiated the love he felt for both his children.

 

Brian had often wondered how Justin had managed to paint Van Gogh's, The Smoker, when visiting the Barnes collection in Philadelphia as it was before he could get Justin to see the difference between art and a graven image.  Justin explained he had viewed the painting as just an object and that is what he had replicated, which was obvious when it was explained as Justin had also painted the frame.  Brian briefly wonders how Justin has been able to paint their son's image as it would be considered a graven image, since he knows Justin doesn't see his son as an object or art. 

 

Admittedly Justin was painting a photo and he had painted it looking exactly as the photo looks now.  Brian had printed a copy for Justin not really knowing if he would want it.  Justin had torn the photo in to tiny pieces when it was first given to him; he wanted no images of his son.   Nevertheless, Brian was aware Justin had secretly retrieved the photo and taped it back together.  The painting shows all the flaws of the paper being torn and the tape that now holds it together, which Brian considers aptly, depicts what has happened to their hearts.  However, it doesn't explain the father's love that now flows from the brush to the canvas, as that isn't coming from the photograph.

 

As Justin completes the painting Brian offers him another photo.  It is one Lindsay took of the twins the moment they were born, they were monoamniotic twins which means they shared the same amniotic sac, and as they were removed from Mel's womb the newborns were holding hands.  Brian loved the photo as to him it symbolized their children's souls would always be connected; linked forever.

 

The photo captures a happy moment in time; unfortunately though real life presents additional risks with multiple births and in this case the blood supply passed disproportionately to their son, resulting in his underdevelopment.  It hadn't been picked up in scans as the majority of him always seemed to be hidden behind his sister.  His underdeveloped organs had not been recognised immediately after birth either; however it wouldn't have made any difference to their son's fate if they had.  Justin stares at the new photo.  He has not seen this one before.  Brian hates seeing his man suffer with confusion over a perceived right and wrong so he is surprised when Justin accepts the photograph and after replacing the canvas on the easel he silently begins the loving brush strokes once again.  Brian will not ask Justin how he can paint their children and he may never know, still he is content Justin has happy visual memories of their son and not just the nightmares.

 

*****

 

Justin and Brian stand in front of their son's grave.  The headstone has just been erected and Justin is holding their son's twin sister.   His comfort begins to echo throughout the cemetery; the sounds of Amazing Grace.  He doesn't sing it with gusto.  As the verse changes two additional voices can be heard.  Justin turns instantly the sound begins and all three sing.  He is embraced as the two figures move within reach of him.

 

The gravestone reads.  "Abraham Taylor-Kinney, beloved son."  Justin needs his parents right now and they need to comfort their son.   Jennifer places a small bunch of flowers on the grassed area just beneath the headstone and as she straightens her stance she notices the headstone of the person alongside their grandson.  "Is this a family plot Brian?  It's a very beautiful area."

 

"Justin wanted Abraham to be near my mother so we purchased this plot.  Justin and I will also rest here when the time comes." Brian pauses, making sure to keep his emotions at bay.  He still has difficulty saying Abraham's name without feeling the overwhelming loss.  Although he loved the Biblical name, as it is one any son of Justin's would be proud of, speaking it only serves to amplify the void their son's passing has left.  Brian goes on to explain that Joan arranged for her priest to visit the hospital to give her the last rites.  The priest arrived as Justin had taken their sons failing body to Joan.  Justin had at least wanted Joan to see the child.  It was then he requested that their child be baptized.  His reasoning was so Joan could watch over their son in the afterlife.  Joan had assured Justin she would.  If she was rewarded with a place in heaven their son would be by her side.  He concludes by telling Craig and Jennifer that his mother was a very religious person and he did not make any derogatory remarks about her at all.  He had learnt from Justin it is not his place to judge and he believes whatever he thought of his mother's faults, when it came to him, they had all been forgiven when she didn't reject Justin and more so when she welcomed their son as her grandchild and promised to watch over him.

 

Justin's decision to have their son baptised is a departure from his upbringing as when Amish people reach adulthood they decide for themselves if they want to be baptised into the faith.  He knows the Catholic and Amish devotee's both prey to the same God, and he believes his reason for taking this path is sound.  Nonetheless, Justin is fearful his parents might reject what he has done.  Jennifer and Craig assure their son that they would never judge him, and his good intention for Abraham is all God would expect of him.  They understand he has done his best in such trying circumstances and without the guidance of any elders.

 

Mel and Lindsay also mourned the loss of their son as they would have raised and loved him like their other two children if it wasn't for a brief period of time where selfishness had ruled their lives.  Therefore, they understand the loss and have been very generous with the time they allowed Justin to spend with their daughter.  They know he needs to heal, but they could also see Justin's love for her was beyond any love he knew apart from the love he held for Brian.   Justin introduces the little girl to her grandparents.  "This is Abraham's twin sister, Jenny Rebecca."  Mel and Lindsay had picked Rebecca as their daughter's name, but once their son died they decided that Jenny Rebecca was more fitting as it would be in honor of Justin's mother.  The grandparents were overwhelmed at the little girls' existence, yet extremely disappointed they could not stay long enough to get to know her. 

 

Craig puts his hand to his ear that conceals the ear piece he is wearing and he tells Jennifier they must leave.  Justin's disappointment has him once again rollercoaster into grief.  Craig hurriedly explains Jack had contacted them saying Justin might need their support at this time and although their visit has been brief they need to follow Jack's professional advice as they don't wish to cause him any trouble.  On hearing this Brian rings his father.  The call only needs to go to the cemetery gates where Jack is on lookout.  Brian tells him they are all getting in to the Jeep and going home and that Jack should follow.  He hangs up so there can be no argument.

 

Jack had no intention of helping the Taylors beyond the letter he had Brian deliver to their home in Lancaster County as his debt had then been repaid.  However, once he had seen Brian and Justin together he was quick to offer the Taylors additional assistance when they contacted him.  From Jack's information the law assumes Craig and Jennifer have managed to escape overseas with the stolen money and they are no longer concentrating on searching for them nationally, which makes helping them a little easier.  The truth is after hiding out for a few weeks in dingy hotel rooms Jack had transported them to Ohio.  He had made the trip without stopping so no trace of him being in the area would be recorded.  He took a long deviation on the way home using extra gas he had taken with him.  Even in doing so he had managed to return in time to celebrate his anniversary with Joan and catch up with Brian and Justin's wedding celebration; albeit inadvertently.  Once again there are no phones or any other modern forms of communication in their new world and that only makes it more difficult for the law to trace them. 

 

Justin and his parents spent several hours together until Jack insisted that with every additional minute away from the relative safety of their new lives the risk of being caught increases substantially.  Seeing that neither party wants to end the meeting he suggests that maybe in the future he can arrange other meetings.  Justin's parents did not tell Brian or Justin that they had only moved as far as Ohio and they had joined another Amish group.  They did not tell them the new names they took or any details that might tempt Justin to locate them, because they loved their son and they wanted him safe.  Before Jennifer eases her parting embrace on Justin she whispers in his ear trusting he will carry out her request.  He promises he will.

 

*****

 

As a result of that promise Brian is now sitting in the Jeep watching his husband as he sits on the bench outside the store where they had purchased items for Jennifer at the time of their very first meeting.  Brian recalls how he felt as he climbed back in to the buggy to begin the excruciating journey back to the Taylor's farm.  He contemplates everything that has happened since then.  He doesn't pretend to believe in God's will, but he knows something, some force has brought him to this place in time with this man he loves.  Brian reaches into his pocket and retrieves his cell phone to keep a record of this momentous event in his husband's life. 

 

He takes a photo he knows Justin will never want, but one day Jenny may like to see it.  He smiles to himself as he acknowledges Justin will never want the photo, or will he?  His smile grows as he thinks of Justin's little rebellious streak which has caused a few cracks in his religion armour.   It seems since God took their son Justin has weakened his strict stance in a few small areas.  Although they have never discussed it he can now sketch and paint their family members, although he is still unable to replicate Brian's image.  He tries, he tries so hard to complete Brian's image that his hand cramps and that makes Brian smile a little more.  He would massage Justin's hand should his husband try to sketch him and one day when he was in a frisky mood he took Justin's cramping hand and place it upon his manhood stating Justin should exercise his hand on it.  The surprise of his husband actually doing just that was dumbfounding, delightful and the by-product of that playful comment is Justin now isn't so strict on where in the loft or at what time of the day they partake in their marital activities. 

 

Nevertheless, the most significant change in Justin's diversion from his Amish upbringing has been with Jenny.  Jenny has made Justin her number one parent.  It didn't matter that she didn't live with him.  Even though it is not Amish custom to pick up a child to hug and kiss them, if Jenny had a choice of all four parents it would be Justin's lap where she would sit and he was more than happy to hug and kiss his daughter.  It was also Justin she sought comfort from, if she was scared or hurt and it was Justin who always made sure he was available to her needs.   They both somehow helped fill the empty feeling in their hearts; Justin for his son and Jenny for her sibling.  Brian's smile falters as he watches the father/daughter scene unfold before him.

 

Justin is sitting on the bench with their daughter.  He hopes Molly still follows their ritual each year which would see her here at the local store today.  When Molly appears she approaches and Justin hands his one year old daughter an envelope as he sees his sister.  Molly cannot speak to Justin as she follows her Amish upbringing and she cannot accept something from his hands.  Justin places his daughter on the ground and places a zip lock bag containing cookies, on the seat.  He then moves away.  Molly approaches the little girl understanding what Justin has done.  She takes the envelope from the child and offers her a cookie in place of it.  Both Taylors know what a hearty appetite Justin has and it seems the child is the same; however the cookie is to insure she doesn't make a fuss that could bring attention to Molly retrieving the letter.  Molly reads the note.

 

Dear Aunt Molly

My name is Jenny.  I have been named after my grandmother Jennifer.  I am one year old.  I know you are not allowed to speak to my father, so I will relay his news to you.  Your parents are well and want you to know how much they love you.  I would say they are happy and well, but they miss you both so much that their happiness will forever be tainted.

Molly speaks softly to the child, yet makes sure it is loud enough so Justin can hear.  "I miss them so much and I will always love them."  Holding back her tears Molly reads on.

My father would love to embrace you and tell you how much he misses you himself, but he understands that will never be permitted.

This is acknowledged by Molly nodding her head. 

He would love for us both to see you again.  If you would like this to happen please be outside this store exactly one year to the day.  The date will easy to remember as it is the day of his birth.

We love you Aunt Molly.

Jenny xx

 

His birthday is the reason Justin had hoped to see Molly on this particular day, they always spent part of his birthday in town at the local store with his friends.  Just seeing Molly today, specifically, told him everything he needed to know.  She still cared and thought about him.  At the bottom of the letter Molly is instructed to hand the envelope back to Jenny so no one will find the note and she will not be punished.  As Molly concludes reading the note Daphne approaches.  She can see Justin standing a short distance away and she can see the child that looks very much like him.

 

Molly quickly glances at Justin, however her gaze returns to the letter before any emotions overflow.  Time has allowed Molly to understand more fully what she lost the day they returned to Lancaster County and while she realizes she will never get it back she is happy to know her parents and Justin still think about her and love her.  She reaches in to her apron pocket and hands Jenny the most precious gift she has.  She gives her a doll, the one her father had removed the head from and replaced it with a faceless one.  It is her most prize possession and she has carried it everywhere with her since her parents abandoned her. 

 

Daphne looks to Molly who has slightly turned her body so she can conceal the letter in her apron while she returns only the envelope to Jenny's hands.  Daphne nods her approval as she sees what she thinks is Molly returning a letter from Justin to his daughter.  As they move away Justin retrieves his daughter as she holds her arms out to him crying.  "Datt, Datt."  Molly stops and wants to look back, but knows she shouldn't.  To hear Jenny say the words with such love brought much happiness to her. 

 

Justin lifts his daughter into a loving hug and carries her as he heads back to Brian who is waiting in the Jeep.  He is hoping he can deliver the news of Molly to his parents in person, however if that isn't possible and if it is never possible to see them again he knows Jack will be able to get word to them.  Somehow they will get the news that Molly is well and that she loves them very much.  Justin has kept the promise he made to his mother by seeing Molly and he is ecstatic she hasn't rejected him completely.  He is hoping next year Molly will want to see him and Jenny again. 

 

Brian slips his phone back in to his pocket.  He hopes the photo he has secretly taken isn't the only one ever taken of the siblings together.  He hopes next year and in many more future years he will get the opportunity to record times gone by for his daughter. 

 

As Justin approaches, Brian exits the jeep and he retrieves his daughter from Justin's arms and places her in the child safety seat.  She is already asleep by the time he has fastened the buckles and she is clutching the gift Molly gave her.  Both men are now standing alongside the vehicle.  Justin can't help the overwhelming sadness he is experiencing by walking away from his sister.  He dwells on the possibility that God's Will may never allow him to see Molly or his parents ever again so he seeks comfort, knowing he will always find it in his husband's embrace.  Their arms automatically encircle one another and their heads rest on each other shoulders.  "My love", "My Brian" unspoken words conveying love and comfort are breathed, but never vocalized, because when these men listen with their hearts there is no need for words.

 

End Notes:

This is the end so if any part of this series has entertained you in any way it would be nice to hear from you. 

Constructive criticism is appreciated, but nice reviews are even better.  Thank you for your support.

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