“Honeybun!” Debbie beams at me as I as walk into the Diner.

The place is crowded as always; busy people picking up to-go sandwiches and coffees and making calls to their families that ‘sorry dear, I’m not gonna make it to the dinner tonight’, some kids hanging out after school like myself, couple of old trannies probably on their way to some kind of a meeting and of course the standard bunch of younger men and women having an afternoon snack with their friends.

Next thing I know Debbie has her arms around me giving the all so familiar and all so daily bear hug. A kiss on my right cheek (I always have to scrub off the lipstick afterwards) and a firm ruffle on my hair. It never stops amazing me how she welcomes me every single day like she hasn’t seen me for years.

“How was school?”

“Same old, same old.”

I take my usual seat facing the front door on one of the back lodges. Debbie takes up her notebook and the hideous pencil with the green tuft. “You hungry? I saved some extra lemon bars just for you, hon.”

I smile a little at her; of course you did, you always do.

“Yeah sure, and I’ll take a turkey sandwich and a strawberry milkshake with that too.”

“You forgot the magic word.”

“Please.”

A gentle slap at the back of head. “Coming right up, hon.”

And with that she disappears behind the counter to yell the order to the chef. Few minutes later the bell rings and I get my order under my nose and Debbie sitting next to me watching as I eat my after-school dinner.

“You’re awful quiet today, is something the matter, hon?”

“No.”

The turkey meat is dry-ish in my mouth as I try to work it down on my throat. I’ve been eating the Diner sandwiches pretty much my whole life and I’ve never had the balls to say they were too dry. Mainly because after that I might not have any balls left.

“Just kind of tired is all.”

Debbie’s eyebrows shoot up.

“You’re, what 16, and you’re already tired? Let me tell you something kiddo, you don’t know anything of tiredness. When I was at your age – “

At this point I usually close my ears and just concentrate on my meal. Not that I don’t want to listen to her or to be rude but I’ve heard the same story almost as often as I’ve tried to swallow the dry sandwiches. And after all these years it has become easy to pretend I’m enjoying the conversation and the food; just chew with your mouth shut and keep your eyes firmly fixed on some point behind her left ear. Today I stare at one of the trannies’ curly red wig.

“I knew you would say yes!”

Suddenly I wake up from my doze and look at Debbie’s smiling face. What?

“What?”

“Don’t worry a thing, you’re gonna have a ball with me and the other PFLAG moms!”

“Um – “

“I’ll see you at the center at seven, okay?” The bell rings telling there’s another order for Debbie and she stands up and pinches my cheek. “I gotta run now, enjoy your meal, hon!”

What the hell just happened?  

 

*QAF*QAF*QAF*QAF*QAF*

 

As I open the loft door I can smell Dad is smoking weed. The smell is heavy and familiar in my nostrils, it always makes me a bit dizzy after few hours of sniffing. Dad would never let me smoke but he doesn’t know I’m perfectly happy with the smell alone.

Justin isn’t home yet so Dad can listen to the loud music and sit on the living room floor reading old comic books he had gotten from Michael. As he hears me from the door he looks up and gives me one of his crooked grins and tells me to take my shoes off. The music’s volume dies down a bit.

I pick up one the comics and take a seat on the sofa making myself comfortable. Dad leans back against the couch as he inhales deeply through the rollie. Another gray cloud of thick smoke lingers out of his mouth and nose.

We both know the rules; I keep my fucking mouth shut or otherwise I’m a dead man.

“How was the Diner?”

“Same old, same old.”

“Hmm.”

I turn the next pages of the comic. I’m reading my favorite issue of Rage, the very first one. I always read it when I’m at Dad’s; I could swear the smell of dope has eaten into the pages so deep Mel could sniff it right away if I took this issue home. That’s one of the reasons I love it so much.

“If you’re hungry there’s some Thai from last night in the fridge.”

“Nah, I ate at the Diner.”

Dad nods and goes back to his piece of comic.

“Debbie made me promise to go with her to do some PFLAG stuff later tonight.”

Brian laughs softly and taps my leg hanging out on his shoulder. “You gotta learn how to say no to her.”

“Well Dad, you make it sound so easy”, I say mockingly.

“Look, if there’s something you don’t wanna do you just have to bite the bullet and tell it to people.”

“And end up with people thinking I’m an asshole like you?”

Brian turns to look at me and I can see the irritation clear on his face. “What the hell crawled up in your ass and died?”

I sigh and throw the comic on top of the stack on the floor. “Sorry, I’m just tired is all.”

“Well you better cheer up because you’ve got a hot date with a bunch of women like Debbie tonight. You wanna give your whole capacity for the good cause. I heard they are making banners to save the gay wales from separation in zoos.”

“Free Willie gets a whole new meaning, huh?”

We both laugh at that. Brian gets up to the kitchen and comes back with a beer and a soda for me. He turns off the music and pushes my legs aside as he sits next to me on the couch. I sip my drink as Dad fiddles with the etiquette of his beer bottle. He seems serious all of the sudden.

“Are you – you know – okay?” He asks not looking at me. I’m a bit taken aback for the question.

It’s not that I think he doesn’t care of my wellbeing but we just don’t usually…talk about it. That’s one of the reasons I like hanging out with him; we don’t have to have a conversation. We can just sit in the room reading comic books, watching a movie or me doing my school stuff and him working on his ads. A nice break from the otherwise loud family I have.

I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

“I dunno, you have just seemed to be moodier lately. Quiet.”

“You do know I’m 16 years old. It’s kinda my job to be sulky and broody.”

“Yeah I guess.”

After that an awkward silence fills the loft. Suddenly I wish I hadn’t come.

“Justin working late tonight?” I try to change the subject. Or to have a subject at all.

Brian takes a long sip of his beer and rubs his face with the other hand. He looks kind of tired too, I wonder should I ask is he okay, too? Now when we are sharing and caring.

“Probably. He’s got this new project going on, a big one. How are Mel and Lindz doing?”  

I shrug. “Fine. Mom’s busy selling lesbian art for straight men and Mel’s busy defending lesbians against straight men.”

A huff. “JR?”

“Busy trying to hide she has two Moms from her friends and school mates.”

Another huff. “See? You’ve nothing to worry about, we all are such a big happy family.”

I smile a bit at that. A big happy family in deed.

I finish my drink and start putting my stuff together for leaving when suddenly Brian stands up and takes his valet and goes shuffling through the bills. Few bucks appear in my hand.

“Here.” I nod my thank you. “And Gus – “ I turn to look at him. “ – you know you can talk to me anytime, right? I mean, if you’re having some troubles.”

“Yeah, sure, Dad.”

“Okay, see ya.”

“See ya.”

 

*QAF*QAF*QAF*QAF*QAF*

 

“Gus honey would you pass me the salt and JR stop playing with your food and eat it”, Mom is saying as she’s turning a page of some gallery article. I place the salt shaker in her waiting hand and JR glares at her.

“But Mom, I’ve told you I don’t like meatloaf and…”

“Do you really have to read the magazine at the dinner table, honey?” Mel steps into the conversation. “And the meatloaf is what we are eating tonight so suck it up, young lady.”

“No, darling, of course I don’t”, Mom says sweetly as she keeps reading. “But I want to.”

Mel rolls her eyes but lets the issue go. JR is staring at her plate like she’s willing the food to change for something else with the power of her mind. Truth to be told I’m getting a bit tired of the meatloaf too.

“So how was school?” Mel asks while forking down dome veggies.

“Fine.” JR and I answer in unison.

“You went to Brian today?” Mom wants to know.

“Yeah.” I stuff my mouth with food. “Debbie asked me to come with her to a PFLAG meeting tonight.”

“Gus dear, swallow before you speak”, Mel frowns and then smiles. “Well that’s nice. What are you guys up to?”

“I didn’t say I was going.”

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“Maybe because I don’t want to?”

“And why’s that?”

“I just don’t feel like shouting out ho-ho-ho slogans tonight.”

“I bet that was Brian’s idea…” Mel mutters under her breath and I’m really starting to get enough.

“Just because I’m a part of a gay family doesn’t mean I want to participate.” I know I’m being a twat but I don’t really appreciate the cross examination. Mom puts her magazine away.

“Okay guys, time out. If Gus doesn’t want to go it’s his business. Just don’t let Debbie wait for you, okay?”

I mumble something and the rest of the dinner is eaten in silence.

 

*QAF*QAF*QAF*QAF*QAF*

 

Next day I know Dad has a day off so instead of going to school I head off to his place. Brian is having his morning coffee straight from the pot when I step into the loft. He’s wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and a wife beater. His messed up hair and the morning stubble tell me he hasn’t taken his morning shower yet.

“Shouldn’t you be at school?” Brian raises his eyebrows at me. “It’s almost nine o’clock.”

“Is Justin home?” I skip his question. This isn’t my first time I’ve skipped school to come to his place and as long as it doesn’t become a regular thing it’s fine by him. But of course as a Dad he has to at least make an effort.

“No, he has already left.” Brian raises the pot in his hand. “Want some coffee?”

“No, I’m good.”

“Suit yourself.”

I flop down on the sofa and watch the patterns the morning sun makes on the roof. I listen to Dad moving around the loft; picking up the mail, drinking his coffee, cleaning up and changing clothes. He sits in front of his desk and starts typing something on the computer. Before I know the steady tap tap tap has lulled me into sleep and I wake up when Brian is poking me on the shoulder. There’s a blanket over me and someone has pulled off my sneakers.

“Gus, hey wake up.” Brian pokes me again and I make some kind of grunting sound to say he has been heard. God, I must have really dozed off. “I made some lunch, you should eat something.”

I yawn and groggily follow him to the kitchen area. I set myself up to sit on one of the bar stools. He places a plate of fish and chips before me and grabs couple of sodas. I dive in hungrily.

“You going to just hang out on my couch all day or do you have some kind of plans to actually do something?”

“Yes and no.”

Brian sighs. “Everything okay?”

“I didn’t go to the PFLAG meeting last night”, I say like it should explain it all.

Brian nods. “Okay.” He’s clearly waiting for more. When he gets nothing he continues: “How did Debbie take it?”

“I didn’t let her know but Mom and Mel sure weren’t happy about it.”

“And I’m pretty sure they thought it was my idea.”

“Yeah.”

“Go figure.” Dad takes a napkin and wipes his mouth on it. “It still doesn’t explain what you are doing here instead of studying your ass off at school.”

“Do you ever get a feeling that you don’t know where you belong?”

Brian stops chewing his chips and looks up from his plate. “That’s pretty deep, dude.”

“Just answer the question.”

He takes some time to think; I can sense this wasn’t exactly what he had in mind when he had asked me was everything okay. Tough shit. When he says nothing I began to think he’s just going to ignore the topic but then he speaks:

“I guess when I was younger I felt that way. In my folks’ home, you know. They didn’t know I was gay so they didn’t really get the world I was living in, that’s why I hang up with Mikey most of the time.”

“Because he understood you? Because he knew what you felt and how you felt it?”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that. I guess you could say he was my own kind when the rest of my world thought I was a freak. I didn’t really fit in in my family.”

I stare at the kitchen level’s dark surface. I can feel Brian glancing at me every now and then between mouthfuls of food. I poke the fried fish on the plate with my fork.

“I’ve grown in a family full of variety, you know. I’ve been taught to respect everyone’s right to be different; their own kind.”

A pause.

“But what do you do when you have all that difference in your life and all you want to do is to find someone like you, your own kind?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that I’m the freak of our family; I don’t want to make banners or statements or support the rights of the gay penguins. And it’s not because I think those things don’t matter or that it’s not important to make things right and equal. I just – “

Suddenly I don’t know what to say. The things and thoughts inside me are so big and my mouth isn’t big enough to deliver them. I look at Dad; please understand what I’m trying to say here.

“You feel like an outsider in a group of outsiders?”

Thank you!

”Yeah.”

Brian looks at me in the eyes. “Are you straight?”

I gape at him. How this has anything to do with –

“Just answer the question”, he says firmly.

“Well honestly I don’t know. I have a feeling everyone is expecting me to be something different and special; gay, bi, tranny, into leather, you name it. If I suddenly said I’m a vanilla hetero they would be disappointed. Like I wouldn’t be one of them anymore, if I ever was.”

“It doesn’t matter whether you are a gay or not. Look at Debbie, she’s just fine.”

“Yeah but what Debbie loses on a gay department she sure as hell makes up in other ways…You know she would be a gay if she only could.”

Brian huffs at that and nods his head. “Yeah I guess you’re right on that.”

“I guess I’m just so sick of the uniqueness of this world already and I want to try some normality for a change.”

“So what do you want to do about it?”

“I was sort of hoping you could have told me what to do.”

Brian gets quiet and after a while I look at him to see if I have to repeat myself. I find him just looking at me; his eyes are warm and full laughter and love. His mouth is in a playful grin and his hand is soft but firm behind my neck when he suddenly pulls my head lower, closer to him.

“Well lucky for you the same rules apply with both straights and gays when it comes to envy; you become the biggest fucking success you can and you will fit in just fine. Nothing pisses off a gay man more than a successful straight man. No regrets.”

“No apologies.”

THE END.