Persistence of Memory

Prologue

~*~*~*~

April 2006...

“What the fuck just happened?” That thought was burning itself into his brain to the point that it was a physical pain. He was walking away, out of his life, again. He sounded so incredibly defeated, so exhausted and in such pain when he said “I'm done, Brian....I'm just...done...” that it paralyzed him into immobility. No, wait...he was already stunned into silence long before those words were spoken, due to a thoughtless comment fired off like a bullet, with a precision of a sharpshooter directly into the target's heart. The irony was that he, the king of spin, master of award winning copy, ad exec extraordinaire, wasn't the one to say the hateful words that rendered him utterly speechless. The irony was that words – his domain, his livelihood – failed him, possibly for the fist time in his entire life. His brain seized to function at the worst possible moment and now...he, Sunshine, believed someone else's lie so absolutely that he WAS. JUST. DONE....

How did it come to this so quickly? How was it possible for the incredible joy of the morning to descend into complete chaos of this evening, in mere moments? This morning, just this morning, they were happy to be back together for the weekend, celebrating the success of Justin's show. They were so excited that the hard work, the misery of the past 11 months, the pain of a long-distance relationship was finally paying off. Justin's first show was such a success that he was offered another one in five months time. Justin was ecstatic about his plans of coming home to Pittsburgh, for good, after the second show – he was so optimistic that after that he would be able to manage his career from Britin. Now, that happiness, that optimism, along with their future together was reduced to ash...and he was watching him walk away...again.

Suddenly, an anger borne of helplessness, an anger like like he hasn't felt before completely consumed him. “How could he? After everything they've been through, how could he have so fucking little faith in them, in me? Fuck him! He's done? Fine, so be it!” he thought.

~*~*~*~

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 1: Meeting Brian Kinney

12 years later...

Late January 2018...

"Hey, Sunny, wait up!" Gus saw his girlfriend - a tiny slip of a girl and possessor of a wild mane of red, cork-screw curls, and brilliant green eyes - at the end of the courtyard, walking towards the exit of their high school campus. She turned around at the sound of his voice and stopped to wait for him with a happy smile on her face as he ran full out towards her. They hugged, kissed and stood there lightly intertwined, oblivious of the vicious cold and the biting wind.

"How was gym class?" he asked about her last course of the day.

"Hateful, as always. I like exercise, but not at someone's command and not for a grade. I'm lucky that I am fairly athletic. It's just my luck to have transferred to a school in my senior year that requires P.E. class every damn semester. How was bio?"

"Boring, as usual. Hopefully, I'll pass the AP exam and won't have to deal with this bullshit in college. Listen, are you listening? I was thinking of taking you to my father's, introducing you to the old man. What do you think?"

"We've been officially dating for two weeks, don't you think it's a bit early to meet the parents?" She asked playfully.

"I had to meet both of yours when I took you out on our first date - at the same time, no less. I was given the third degree about my entire life and then your father asked me if I'd be interested in seeing his gun collection sometime soon!" Sunny burst in a peal of laughter at that pronouncement.

"Gus, you do realize that my Dad was just kidding, right? My father is a staunch democrat whose biggest soapbox is the lack of gun control in this country. He has never even held a gun, let alone owned an entire collection! It was his sweet, over-protective and completely unnecessary way of keeping you on the 'straight-and-narrow', as it were, on our very first date."

"Lovely man, your father." Gus groused, "I was afraid to fucking kiss you good night that evening!"

Sunny laughed again and standing on her tip-toes kissed him full on the mouth. "I'm glad you did, despite your fear."

"Well, I thought your kiss would be worth dying for." He said, grinning.

"Aww, Gus. I live for that kind of romantic bullshit!" she said with a mock-swoon.

"So, my Dad, you wanna meet him?" Gus returned to the subject at hand.

"Hell, yes! After meeting some of your family at the diner the other day, I am more then ready to meet the legend. When?"

"I'm thinking now. He's working from home today, so I thought we'd go to Britin, stay for dinner. I'll show you the stables. The horses are especially eager to meet you."

"Are they really? Well then, we can't keep the horses waiting. I'll call my folks, let them know I'll be having dinner with you."

~*~*~*~

They walked to Gus's Jeep hand in hand, smiling and discussing the day's events. On the way to Britin, Sunny, suddenly worried, asked.

"He knows about me, right? Your Dad."

"Yeah, I told him I have a girlfriend."

"When?"

Gus thought for a minute and then answered with a shrug. "Around Christmas, actually."

"Christmas?" She gasped. "But we weren't even dating yet at Christmas!"

"Yet, being the operative word. I fully planned on asking you out after the holidays." He smirked.

"Wow! Confident much, are we?" She asked, one perfectly shaped eyebrow raised in question. "Asking me out on a date didn't guarantee that I would become your girlfriend."

"Oh, come on, Sunny. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist me." He joked, but then added a bit more seriously, "I knew you wanted to go out with me months ago, ever since you moved to the Pitts in August."

"Why didn't you ask me out earlier then, if you were so bloody confident?" Sunny was somewhat perturbed.

"You just broke up with that asshole boyfriend of yours from back home. I wanted to give you plenty of time to get over that relationship, so that I wouldn't end up being just your random rebound boy." Gus answered honestly.

"Just my random rebound boy? Gus, you could never be just random anything! As far as 'rebound boy' goes, who says you aren't?" She teased, her good humor restored.

"I, Gus Peterson-Kinney, say that, because you soooo care about me, Sunny North!" he said with conviction as they pulled up the driveway of a gorgeous Tudor style house and parked by the front door.

As soon as they walked in, Gus shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Yo, Dad! We're here! Marco!"

"Polo!" Came a reply from somewhere down the hall. "I'm in the office, Sonnyboy. Come on in!"

~*~*~*~

They walked in to a spacious room, completely outfitted as a home office, with state of the art electronics and expensive leather furniture. The room was dominated by a huge mahogany desk that was surprisingly free of clutter, considering that every other available surface in the office was covered with notebooks, binders, papers, mock-ups and boards for various ad campaigns.

When the man in question stood up and walked around the desk to greet them, Sunny did a classic double take – it was like looking 30 years into Gus's future. When she met Gus's mother, Lindsay, a week ago, she thought that Gus had a slight resemblance to her. Now, however, she was convinced that it was just a trick of the light or her imagination, because Gus was the spitting image of his dad, minus a few stray gray hairs at the temples and relatively faint wrinkles around his eyes. At 46, almost 47, Brian Kinney looked remarkably young and most people would be surprised to find out that he was even a day over 39. When the two hugged and then stood side-by-side looking at her, the resemblance was almost eery – from the hair, to the facial features, to the exact same stance and the identical expression on their faces. Her jaw hit the floor and she said "Good lord, you could be twins!", not realizing it was uttered out loud.

Both men laughed, then Gus walked towards her, put his hand on the small of her back and turning towards his dad said proudly,

"Dad, this is my girlfriend, Sunny North." Brian shook her hand and with one eyebrow lifted quizzically asked.

"Sunny? That's an unusual name."

"It's a nickname, actually. Everyone in my family calls me that." She answered, her smile lit up her face and her green eyes twinkled in amusement. Suddenly, Brian knew exactly why she was bestowed with such a nickname – he knew of someone else who got a similar moniker because of a dazzling, radiant face.

"Actually, my name's Rowena, Rowena Marie North. Everyone outside my family calls me Rae, but Gus insists on using Sunny. Says I make him think of..."

"Sunshine." All three said in unison, Gus and Rae laughed, while Brian smiled somewhat wistfully.

"It's nice to meet you Mr. Kinney."

"Brian. You too Rae. You are welcome here anytime. So, dinner. Are we ordering in or are we having Deb's lasagna that's been defrosting in the fridge all day?"

"Lasagna." Gus made the executive decision without hesitation. "It's better than what they serve at DiPaggio's, Sunny." He said, referring to the best Italian restaurant in Pittsburgh. "Grams makes better Italian food in her kitchen in a 20 year old stove every day. I can't believe they get away with charging 75 bucks a plate for the crap they serve. What a rip-off!"

"Hey, don't knock one of my clients, Sonnyboy, especially since you get to eat there for free." Brian said, grabbing his son by the neck playfully and giving the top of his head a thorough noogie.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me go, Dad, I've got a girlfriend to feed!" Gus grumbled, not at all embarrassed. Brian let him go laughing.

"Listen, guys, are you listening? I've got a bit more paperwork to do, maybe another 30 minutes to an hour. Why don't you pop the food in the oven and by the time it's ready I'll be all yours, promise."

"No problem, Dad. I wanted to take Sunny to the stables first anyway."

"Good, have fun. Don't burn the food."

"Ha, ha. So speaks the guy for whom boiling an egg is a culinary triumph!" Gus joked.

"You want another noogie, Sonnyboy?" Brian asked, amused.

"We're going, we're going. See you in a bit." With a laugh and a wave the couple left the office, put the food in the oven, got dressed and went to explore the grounds of Britin.

~*~*~*~

Sunny found the house and the grounds beautiful, but she completely fell in love with the stables and the horses that resided there. They didn't have enough time for a proper ride, so instead, they spoiled the horses by feeding them apples and carrots. Sunny told Gus that up until two years ago she used to ride horses on her grandfather's farm in upstate New York at least once a month and much more often in the summer. Then he suddenly died and the farm, along with the horses, had to be sold, since no one in the family was able take care of it all on a daily basis. Since then, she hasn't ridden at all. Gus told her that anytime she wanted to saddle up, she was welcome.

"Wow, Gus. Thank you!" She said sincerely, then she smiled mischievously and continued, "I better hang on to you then, if I'm going to get my riding fix frequently."

All sorts of images immediately flooded Gus's mind – all of them were featuring Sunny and none of them were featuring her riding a horse. He blushed profusely and painfully bit his own tongue in order to save himself from saying something totally crude. Growing up around Liberty avenue, the diner, grandma Deb, his father and their hodgepodge family, Gus was anything but a prude. He has heard of everything there was to know about sex, both gay and straight, since he's hit puberty and he has never been shy to talk and joke about it with all his friends, or even his previous girlfriends. However, there was something about Rae, or Sunny, as he preferred to call her, that was different, somehow pure (though he knew she wasn't a virgin), that made him hesitate to voice, or even allude to his ridiculously raunchy thoughts.

Sunny noticed his blush and his hesitation to respond and asked, "You are blushing! Gus, are you actually embarrassed? I didn't think that was possible." Gus had no choice, but to respond to that.

"Not embarrassed exactly. My ego's somewhat bruised – here I thought you wanted me for my body, but it turns out it's my father's stables you are really after." He said, pretending to be extremely hurt.

"Well, if I am honest, I'm after both..." She joked, picking up the pretense, "but please don't forget that I also completely respect you for your mind." They laughed and continued to feed the horses.

Thirty minutes later, they came in from the stables frozen to the bone, wet from an impromptu snow ball fight that erupted on their way back to the house, deliriously happy and ravenous. When they came in, the lasagna was piping hot and bubbly and the air in the kitchen was perfumed with the scents of tomato, basil and garlic. Gus and Sunny set the table, but before Gus could call his dad, Brian stepped into the kitchen sniffing the mouthwatering aroma appreciatively.

"Perfect timing, as always, Dad! You appear just as all the kitchen work gets done. Since we set the table and cooked the food, the clean-up's all yours."

"I don't fu...think so, Sonnyboy. Mrs. Morris will be here tomorrow," he said of his long-time housekeeper, "so I'll leave it all to her!" He declared with his usual smirk and dug into a steaming plate of cheesy lasagna.

Brian has abandoned his no carbs after 7 pm rule a long time ago. He was still very careful with his diet whenever he was on his own, but when Gus was with him, he indulged in all sorts of "crap" without complaint to make him happy – he ate pizza, pasta, burgers, ice cream together with his kid and enjoyed every single morsel. He just made sure that both of them got a lot of exercise together and he also spent an extra hour working out, either at home or at the gym. The result was that he was still as lean, fit and muscular as when he was in his early thirties and a lot more content, companionably sharing junk food with his son, rather than living a lonely life of culinary self-denial.

~*~*~*~

The "meet my father" dinner went exceptionally well. Brian liked Rae instantly – she didn't preen, giggle annoyingly and didn't do anything silly that some teenage girls are wont to do. She was open, honest and funny. She had a rich, musical laugh and when she flirted with Gus, she did it with humor and mischief, making him laugh with her, rather than trying to do the eye-lash-batting, hair flipping, cleavage showing routine a couple of his ex-girlfriends tried to do.

She told Brian that she didn't want to move to the Pitts from New York City, especially in her senior year of high school, but with per parents' jobs she didn't have a lot of choice - both of her parents got clinical research gigs at the University of Pittsburgh. In the end, she decided that moving wasn't as big a deal in the grand scheme of things, since college was just around the corner. She impressed Brian with her intelligence and ambition, her clear plans and goals for the future – she wanted to study economics of developing nations and eventually work for The World Bank. In that respect she was very similar to both Brian and Gus, both of whom knew exactly what they wanted by the age of 17 and had a plan in mind of how to achieve their goals.

When Rae slipped out to use the restroom, Brian told Gus point blank that he was glad his taste in women has greatly improved, because his previous girlfriends were of the "high gloss factor, low brain wave" variety and he was getting somewhat concerned. He said that he was glad Gus was dating someone with both brains and beauty for a change.

The evening drew to a close and all three had a good time. Brian extended Rae the invitation to use the stables and told Gus to bring Rae to Britin whenever he felt like it. Before the two teens left, Brian called Gus to the side and whispered:

"You got condoms, right, Sonnyboy? Cause if you need..."

"Dad! We've been dating for barely two weeks!" Gus whispered back, outraged.

"You are waiting?" Brian was rather surprised by the idea.

"She isn't a slut, Dad, and neither am I, you know. She's...important. We don't want to jump into bed too soon and fuck it all up. By the way, whenever we do decide to have sex, I am perfectly capable of getting my own condoms. But, thanks, Dad."

"Sure, Sonnyboy. Drive safe."

~*~*~*~

On their drive back to Pittsburgh, Gus and Rae talked about Britin, the horses, the dinner and, of course, his father.

"Why in the world is he single, Gus? He's gorgeous – boy, you lucked out in the genes department – successful, rich, smart. He can probably have anyone he wants."

"That's the problem," Gus laughed, "he doesn't. When he was young I heard he didn't believe in relationships at all. Now he believes in them, but only for SOME people - like me, or like my uncle Mike, or like my Grandma Deb. Unfortunately, he believes he himself is one of those people that's NOT meant to be a part of a couple. That he and relationships just don't mix. He dates around, I'm sure, my Dad is no monk. But he hasn't had an actual boyfriend since I was a little kid."

"It's kind of sad, unless he's happy with the way things are. Do you think he is?"

"I don't know. There are times when I think he is and there are times when I think he isn't; but then, no one is happy 100 percent of the time, right?"

"Right. I liked your Dad, though, so I hope he's happier more often then he's not."

"Your words, God's ears. I sure as hell hope so too."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 2: Photographs & Other Things

Early March 2018...

Over the next few weeks Gus and Sunny spent almost every weekend at Britin tending to the horses in the stables when it was too cold to ride, riding sometimes for hours in warmer weather and watching Brian's collection of classic movies in the family room. Gus has seen many of them multiple times with his father, while Sunny hasn't even heard of most of them, save for one or two.

One Friday afternoon in March after watching "Casablanca", they were discussing the movie and it's famous end.

"I know it's supposed to be romantic, but I think it's just stupid, Gus! If they truly loved each other, they should have figured out a way to stay together, if not right then, than in the future. They should have found a way to hang on to that supposedly great love. 'We'll always have Paris' ? 'Here's looking at you, kid'? Bullshit! If I were Ilsa, I would have slapped him silly and told him to go fuck himself."

Sunny's comment sent Gus into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Once he calmed down a bit, he tried to explain, "It's supposed to be this big sacrifice on his part to let her go, for her own good, Sunny. A gesture, a great gesture of...of love, of personal sacrifice..."

"Of unmitigated, patronizing bullshit! She's not a kid – she's a grown woman and he should have treated her like one. Sacrificing on her behalf, for her own good is supposed to show how much he loves her? I don't think so! If sacrifices were to be made, he should have sacrificed on their behalf, for their love and for their future together, just like she wanted to do, when she wanted to stay behind with him. Or they should have compromised in some way, but then it would be reality and not a movie."

"So you didn't like it?" He asked, frowning.

"Oh, I did, on the whole. There were just some things I liked better than others."

"Such as?"

"Have you ever noticed how people kiss in black and white movies, especially in Film Noir? It's like the absence of color heightens emotion. When they kiss, just kiss, with all their clothes on, it still looks incredibly erotic – it's unbridled passion personified! Their entire bodies are involved in a simple kiss, not just their lips... and, suddenly, that kiss is no longer simple. I think modern Hollywood has lost the art of a perfectly affecting, thoroughly mesmerizing, completely arousing and incredibly romantic, fully clothed kiss."

She sighed deeply and closed her eyes. Gus, who was sprawled a few feet away from her on the floor, was looking at her as if hypnotized. A minute later she opened her eyes, stood up and slowly walked towards him, without words compelling him to stand up. She moved as close to him as she could without actually touching and whispered huskily looking up into his face, "Gus...I want you to kiss me... I want you to kiss me like they kissed in 'Casablanca'... I want you to kiss me in black and white..."

He moaned and caught her face in his hands. As his face descended slowly towards hers, his fingers got caught in her hair, and as their lips met, their eyes closed. Then, they forgot all about the movies (both black and white, and in color) and they kissed, fully clothed, standing in a darkened family room, in a quiet house and hearing nothing but each other, and the sound of their rapidly beating hearts.

~*~*~*~

They lost track of time kissing in the family room, it could have been minutes or a couple of hours, it was too hard to tell. Thinking back on that amazing make-out session, both Sunny and Gus concluded that if Gus's cell phone didn't interrupt them, they probably would have continued kissing until the second coming of Christ.

The phone call turned out to be from Brian, who was stuck at Kinnetik longer than usual on a Friday night.

"Sonnyboy, I need you to find a file for me, it's pretty urgent. It should be somewhere in my office. It's in a red and white 'confidential' envelope and says Wagner Communications. Take a look and call me back as soon as you have it, OK?"

"Sure, Dad. No problem." He turned back towards Sunny and grinned, spying her mussed hair and puffy lips. "Dad needs me to find a file for him. Wanna help?"

"Yeah, lead the way." She said, grinning right back.

They spend the next twenty minutes combing his office, but the file was nowhere to be found. Gus called Brian back and gave him the bad news.

"I might have left it at the loft, actually. I'll get Cynthia to look for it there. Thanks for checking, Sonnyboy. I might be a while here yet, so don't wait up for me."

"I wasn't going to stay this weekend anyway, too much shit going on. Sunny's here also, so I'm going to take her home in a bit and then go home myself."

"OK, later then. Love you."

"Love you too, Dad."

While Gus was talking to Brian, Sunny was admiring the mahogany desk taking center stage in the home office. When Gus hung up, she asked.

"Hey, have we checked the desk? The drawers?"

"I don't think so, at least I haven't. You?"

"No." It seemed they concentrated looking on the shelves, in the filing cabinet and among the dozen or so stacks of paper all over he room, but somehow missed the 'main attraction' of the office. They took each side of the desk going from the top drawer to the bottom, but the file was still missing. Then Sunny came to a locked bottom drawer; it was one of those deep, wide ones that usually contain hanging file folders.

"Gus, this one's locked. Maybe it's locked in here, if the file's confidential. Is there a key?" Gus looked through the desk again and saw a small key under a bunch of papers in the little drawer in the middle.

"I think this is it. Let's try it." Sunny opened the locked drawer, they both looked in and were surprised that it did not, in fact, contain file folders. In their stead was an envelope full of pictures that spilled out when the drawer was jostled open, a couple of framed drawings lying on the bottom and a file folder with the word "Will" written across the top. Gus took the pictures in his hands and started to look through them one by one.

"Oh, my God, Gus, who is he? He's gorgeous!" Sunny held up a photo of Justin's laughing face.

"My dad's ex, Justin Taylor. They almost got married when I was five. Then something happened...I don't know what exactly, but he moved away to New York City and about a year later they broke up for good. My moms and I moved to Toronto that year also. He was almost like another dad to me and at first he stayed in touch, but after they broke up he called once to say goodbye, then he stopped calling and writing. I haven't heard from him since and neither has my father."

They looked at the photos, most of which were of Brian and Justin together and a few of Justin alone. One was of the two of them dancing at a club that someone took without them being aware – they were wrapped around each other, foreheads pressed together and eyes closed. One was taken of them at a bar, a neon sign said 'Woody's'. Justin was sitting on a bar stool, Brian was standing behind him and leaning on his shoulders, both held beer in their hands and were laughing into the camera. A couple of shots were of them together with friends. One picture in particular stood out – they were both dressed up in beautiful suits and it looked like they were attending an elegant party.

"I think this is their rehearsal dinner, for the wedding that didn't happen. I think I've seen this picture before... a long time ago." Gus said quietly.

"Look at this!" Sunny exclaimed, pulling out a beautiful, mahogany colored box from the corner of the drawer; it containing two platinum wedding rings. Too curious to stop now, they continued to rifle through and pulled out the file with the will and learned that Brian had bequeathed Britin Manor to Justin, with the rest going to Gus and various members of their family in the event of his untimely death.

Lastly, they took out the drawings. The first one was of Brian and Gus together. Brian was lying asleep on the couch, holding a sleeping baby Gus, who curled up like a kitten on his chest, protectively with one hand. It was a beautiful portrait, done with incredible skill and a lot of love. The other drawing was of Brian asleep again, but here, he was lying in bed in the nude, in all his magnificent glory. Both Gus and Sunny looked at each other quickly, blushed and laughed nervously.

"Well...if this is a preview of coming attractions, then I'm first in line to buy a ticket." She joked.

"Ah, Sunny... that's my Dad...MY. GAY. DAD..."

"I know!" She laughed, "But you are practically identical, so this drawing might as well be you, but much younger...or so I assume." She continued, teasingly, wiggling her eyebrows.

"Uhm...thanks, I guess." Gus blushed again. "My Dad... naked... this is just too weird." He mumbled and carefully put both drawings back in their hidden place on the bottom of the desk drawer.

"Wow!" Sunny said, looking at the photographs again, "If they broke up a dozen or so years ago, why would he hang on to all this stuff for so long and leave his house to him?"

"I wish I knew. When I was younger I kept pestering my moms and my father about Justin and what happened. I stopped asking dad pretty quickly though because it made him upset. He tried to hide it, but I could always tell. And with moms...it made my mom angry and mama super sad and... embarrassed or something. None of them would talk about it and neither would the rest of my family. I almost got grandma Deb to spill the beans once, but at the last second she clammed up and said my parents will tell me when I am older. Eventually I just gave up and stopped asking."

"Did you know he kept this stuff?" She asked curiously.

"No. I haven't seen a picture of Justin or of the two of them together since I was a kid. If I didn't Google him out of curiosity on occasion, I wouldn't even know what he looks like now. It's like they all conspired to erase him from our lives and removed all memories of him. We have his paintings, but no pictures."

"Paintings?"

"He's an artist. Those drawings are his. He's a pretty famous one too, especially if you are into abstract art. He's well known in New York, but from what I've read online he's pretty huge in Europe. He lives in London now. I wish I knew why he had to move across the ocean from us." Gus's voice was wistful as he talked, looking at a picture of Justin standing in front of an easel, painting.

"Maybe he needed to erase you too?" She said thoughtfully.

"Maybe. I read he got married to some gallery dude a few years ago, Daniel somebody. I think they even have a kid – I saw a picture of the three of them online a couple of years ago."

"I hate being nosy, but I can't help it – I wonder what happened? They look so incredibly happy in this picture, so in love..." Ironically, she was looking at their rehearsal dinner photograph, not knowing that the snapshot was taken mere moments before they announced that the wedding would not take place.

"Yeah, me too. Maybe it's time I found out. I'm almost 18, not exactly a kid anymore, so they can't use that as an excuse to avoid the subject. And I think I damn well deserve some answers finally!"

~*~*~*~

Sunny fully supported Gus in his desire to get answers, partly because she would have wanted to do the same thing, if she were in his place. She was also extremely curious and hoped Gus would share with her what he found out. At this point she has met most of Gus's unconventional family, except for his mother Melanie who stayed in Toronto after the divorce from Lindsay and still lived there with his sister JR. Therefore, Sunny suggested that Lindsay would probably be the best place to start digging for answers.

Gus briefly considered contacting his mom in Toronto, but ultimately decided against it. It wasn't a conversation one wanted to have over the phone. He decided to leave talking to her as a last resort. He did agree with Sunny that Lindsay would be the best person to start with and he decided not to waste any time.

That same evening, when he got home for dinner, he casually asked his mother about Justin and the break up between him and his Dad. Lindsey fairly shocked Gus with her reaction. She got extremely upset and refused to discuss any of it, saying that Brian and Justin's relationship and subsequent break up was no one else's business but theirs. Gus did his best to diffuse the situation, telling her that he meant no harm and was just curious. He calmed her down and thought that maybe she should have started with one of the available primary players in that drama instead – his Dad.

~*~*~*~

A week later, he arrived at Britin to stay for the weekend and spent a couple of hours that Saturday morning gearing himself up for a difficult talk. By noon, he realized that he has been wasting time and if he wanted to get answers, it would have to be now or never. He knew that the best way to approach his father was head on, honestly and with no bullshit. He told him simply that Sunny and he saw the photographs, that he has been thinking about Justin and wanted to know what happened between them. Brian was dismayed by Gus's question and then his expression changed and was anything, but amused.

"Those photographs were in a locked drawer, that means they were private. Why the fuck were you snooping through my private space, Gus?" he asked angrily.

"I wasn't snooping, Dad! You asked me to look for a file for you, you told me it was urgent. After I talked to you, Sunny and I realized that we haven't looked in your desk. When we saw the locked drawer we thought the file might be locked in there, since you said it was confidential. I admit we looked through the stuff, once we opend it, but we weren't intentionally snooping."

"OK, I'll concede that your thinking was logical, but next time do NOT open locked drawers unless I specifically tell you to do so. Is that clear, Gus?"

"Well, he's pissed!" Gus thought, his father always called him Gus, and only Gus, when he was upset, otherwise it was mostly Sonnyboy. "Clear, Dad. As crystal." He answered, "You didn't answer my question, though, about what happened between you and Justin."

"I don't want to talk about it, Gus. It's not important. It's all in the past, Gus. A distant, long ago past..."

"Then why the hell do you keep this stuff locked up in your desk, near you always? Why not put it in the safe or stash it in the attic? If it's so not important, why keep the pictures? Why keep the rings, when you never even married him? If Justin is so in the past, why are you leaving him Britin in your will, not that you'll ever die?"

"I keep the pictures to remind me of my mistakes and what they've cost. I kept the rings so that you could use one or both of them at your wedding, depending on whether you married a man or a woman. I'm leaving the house to him, because I bought it for him to begin with and once I am gone, he should decide what to do with it – live in it, sell it or burn the place to the ground! Now this discussion is over, Gus! I am not talking about this anymore – it's all in the past. Now, I'm going back to work."

He walked out of the room, walked into this home office, slamming the door with a force that rattled the windows. Brian stayed there for the rest of the evening. Gus, who usually ate like a kid on a constant growth spurt, wasn't very hungry for once. His stomach churned unpleasantly ever since the conversation. As much as he wanted to understand the past, he didn't want to hurt anyone, especially his Dad.

He made them couple of sandwiches anyway, as a small peace offering and to have at least something to eat that evening. He quietly walked up to Brian's home office door and knocked.

"Dad, can I come in? I made you a sandwich." Silence, then a quiet voice said,

"I am not hungry, Gus. Thanks. You can have it if you want."

"I am not that hungry either, Dad. I'll leave yours in the fridge, if you get hungry later."

Silence again, then, "Thanks, Sonnyboy." Brian answered, still through the door.

"Sonnyboy...so I am forgiven." Gus thought, somewhat relieved and slightly happier went back to the kitchen.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 3 – Deb's Story

A few days later Gus and Sunny were studying at her place after school. They were lying on her bed, their laptops, books and notes spread all around them. While taking a break he told her what happened when he tried to talk to his mother and father about Justin Taylor. Sunny thought it curious that they had such extreme reactions to his questions.

"Extreme? Why extreme?"

"Well, what would you call it? From what you told me you heard that mother supported Justin's artistic talent, was a good friend of his. Now she cries at the very mention of his name and refuses to discuss anything to do with their fallout? It's kind of a strong reaction. It's curious. You said the first time you asked her about it she acted embarrassed, guilty – maybe she is. Maybe she had something to do with their breakup."

"God, I hope not. I don't think she could be that cruel." Gus was shaking his head in denial. "Besides, I doubt my Dad would be on speaking terms with her if she was a part of it. As for Dad, I think his reaction is understandable, not that extreme."

"Well, maybe not extreme, but definitely curious. I can understand him not wanting to talk about an ex, especially after a dozen years. What's curious is that I think he still cares for that ex and cares a great deal. I have a box of mementos from my very first boyfriend. It's tiny, sealed with tape and I keep it in the back of the highest shelf in the closet." She said, motioning towards her closet doors. "Meaning, I know where it is, but it's not within easy reach. I don't look at it or its contents every single day. I was even thinking of throwing it away when I was packing my shit for the move to Pittsburgh. I decided to keep it because I wanted to remember the feeling of being in love for the very first time, not necessarily because I wanted to remember my first boyfriend. Your Dad, though..." She sighed, thought for a moment and then continued,"There wasn't a speck of dust in that drawer, Gus. Its obvious he looks at that stuff fairly often. And that will? It was updated just a month ago. How often does one update a will anyway?"

"He gets it updated before every yearly physical. At least that's what I overheard being said once. He had cancer about 14 years ago. It has never returned and he's healthy, but I think he gets the will updated, just in case he gets a bad diagnosis. That way it's done and he doesn't have to worry about mundane details while he's going through treatment."

"Wow!" She shook her head in amazement, "He must have balls of steel, that man. I don't think I would be calmly updating my will thinking I just might get cancer. I am starting to admire Brian Kinney more and more as time goes on."

"Yeah, you aren't the first, believe me." Gus chuckled, "I think you are right. I think he still has feelings for Justin."

"I'd say that's pretty obvious. What kind of feelings, though, that's hard to say. I know this – you don't keep meaningful, personal things pertaining to your ex for a dozen years within easy reach and peruse them with any kind of regularity, if that person is meaningless to you. It wouldn't make any sense for anyone to do that."

"I agree. I forgot to tell you this, he got so upset he stormed of into his office, locked himself in there and didn't come out for the rest of the night. I've NEVER seen my Dad have that kind of a reaction before to ANYTHING. Most things just roll off his shoulders, he usually deals with his problems like they are so much insignificant bits of lint."

"See, I told you – extreme." She said with confidence.

"Yeah. It also means I will get nothing from my parents in terms of information. At least not right now, if ever. If I want to find out what happened, it will have to be from someone else."

"I say you should talk to your grandmother first." Sunny suggested immediately.

"Grams first? Why?"

"I never knew my grandparents on mom's side – they died before I was born. I loved my grandmother on Dad's side. She was a serene woman with the kindest heart. I was sad when she died, still am. And I loved my granddad, very much. I loved both of them and thought they were great." She told him wistfully. Then she smiled brightly and continued, "But regardless of that I envy, actually envy your grandparents. Carl reminds me of my grandfather a little bit – it's the whole gruff exterior, teddy-bear insides thing. And Debbie...I just love Debbie!" She laughed, "She's so outgoing, so full of life and fun. She's so welcoming, so accepting. She's all out there – no pretense, complete honesty, what you see is what you get. She strikes me as a no-nonsense kind of woman who doesn't believe in mincing words. If you are going to get a truthful answer and in minute detail, it'll probably be from her."

"That's Grams, all right!" Gus agreed wholeheartedly. "Everyone she encounters she treats like they are her kids. She's not my biological grandmother, but I am her grandson nonetheless. Always have been and always will be. I've met my grandparents on my mother's side and I'll take Debbie over them any day! And you know what? She already considers you her granddaughter, just because we are dating. You are hers and she's yours already, and forever. She still gives free lemon bars to my ex-girlfriends when she sees them, even though she didn't like them all that much – she thought they were too flaky for me." He laughed, "And they still flock to the diner to talk to her whenever they have boy trouble. So, you are right, she's a good place to start. My worry is not that she'll lie. My worry is that she might not talk to me about this at all. But it's definitely worth a shot to try. I'll tell you what happened."

"You'd better! I'm now emotionally invested in all this and will surely die of curiosity if you keep mum."

"Well, we can't have that now, can we?" he gave her a quick kiss and got off the bed. "Well, no time like the present. I can't concentrate on homework with this on my mind anyway. She's home today, so I'm going to go talk to her now. Later?"

"Later."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gus drove up to his grandparents house, parked, got out and did a double-take. The usually red front door was now painted a bright orange with a black trim. It looked like Halloween descended on her house seven month too early. "God, Grams, what the fuck were you thinking?" Gus thought, laughing under his breath and shaking his head.

He ran up the steps and was about to knock when the door suddenly opened revealing a beaming Debbie.

"Hello, gorgeous Gus! How is my favorite grandson?" She asked, enveloping him in a hug.

"Hi Grams, I'm good. What's with the door?" He asked, smirking, when she finally released him.

"Oh, I wanted a change and the paint was on sale. So, I thought, why the fuck not? I happen to like orange." She led him straight into the kitchen, as he knew she would. "You want something to eat, honey?"

"No, thanks Grams. Where's granddad?" he asked curiously. Usually at this time in the afternoon Carl was sitting on the couch, watching the news and reading the newspaper all at the same.

"Oh, he's at the pub with a pal of his from the precinct, talking about the good old days on the force, no doubt." She said affectionately. Carl finally retired five years before, but kept in touch with everyone on the force and regularly met his former co-workers at the bowling alley or at a local pub for a beer. "He'll be out for a couple of more hours at least. Why, do you need him for something, Gus?"

"No, I actually wanted to talk to you." He said and paused for a minute, gathering his thoughts and his courage. "Grams, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, honey. Fire away! Wait a minute..." She said abruptly, her entire being on high alert, looking at him with concern, rather than her customary grin. "Rae's not pregnant, is she? You better be using protection, Gus! Do you want me to get you some condoms?"

"No! Grams, how could you think that? Of course, she's not pregnant!" He denied vehemently. "We are fine and no - I can't believe I am telling you this – I don't need any condoms, all set there. This isn't about Sunny or me. I want to ask you about someone else. Grams, do you remember Justin Taylor?"

"Justin?" She went quiet and still, her expression was suddenly unbearably sad.

"Yeah. I saw something written up about him in a magazine recently and I remembered him." Gus lied smoothly. For some reason he didn't want to reveal his father's secret stash of Justin memorabilia. He instinctively felt it was private, especially in light of his father reaction, and not for the family's eyes or ears.

"Of course, I remember him! I get a hand drawn card each birthday and Christmas. I could never forget my Sunshine." She answered quietly, uncharacteristically subdued.

"That's where I heard it!" Gus felt like a light bulb lit up in his head, "YOU used to call him that, I've forgotten..."

"Brian used to call him that too. The first time I saw Justin, I thought his smile would blind me, it was so bright. I met him the day after you were born, you know?" Debbie said, her expression distant, as if she was there, in the past.

"Yeah, I know. What happened between them Grams?" Gus asked quietly.

"It's complicated, Gus..." She sighed, coming back to the present.

"That's what you told me when I was seven. That was ten years ago, Grams. I'm old enough to know. They loved each other, I know it in my gut! I remember then together, though I was too young to understand it all back then. What could have been so awful that it made Justin move to fucking Europe and for the rest of us to remove all traces of his existence from our lives? I need to know, Grams, please tell me!" he pleaded.

Debbie stayed silent for a few minutes, thinking, while Gus sat there patiently waiting and looking straight into her eyes. He saw it on her face when she made her decision, his heart flipped and his mind exploded with a jubilant "Yes!", while he did his best to keep his face impassive.

"You know that expression – a mountain out of a molehill?" She began quietly, "That's kind of how it all came about, in hindsight. Though at the time it certainly didn't feel like that. Well, you know that Justin went to New York to establish his art career. That was one of the reasons they decided to cancel the wedding, the fools. When Justin went to New York, Brian and he tried to stay together long-distance. It wasn't easy on either of them. In fact, it was fucking hard, but they did the best they could because, you are right, they loved each other to pieces..."

She suddenly stopped talking, got up and began to make tea. It seemed that she needed time to compose her thoughts and to keep her hands busy. Gus stayed silent, hoping she will continue her story. A few minutes later, she poured two cups of Earl Gray without asking if he even wanted one, cut them both a couple of pieces of coffee cake, sat back down and continued. Gus took a sip of tea, sighing inwardly in relief, and listened.

"Yeah, they fucking loved each other to distraction." She repeated. "Problem is that love sometimes isn't enough, especially when there are trust issues on both sides. It wasn't one specific thing – there were many small disagreements, disappointments, mis-communications. They happen in every relationship, but when you are trying to keep things together long-distance everything is amplified, I guess. And your father, well...it's never been very easy for him to express his emotions and things kept building up within him until they blew up. Justin, on the other hand, was always the more emotional one. In the end, a couple of misunderstood comments, here and there, and one night, here, at a family dinner, it all escalated into an argument. People in the family took sides, when they should have fucking stayed out..." She shook her head and sighed heavily, "I will admit to being one of those people, to my everlasting regret... blame was thrown about, accusations flew and finally, things just fell apart. And, as they say, nothing was ever the same again for any of us. Up until Sunshine moved to England I was hoping they'd find a way to patch things up...yet again...but when he moved, we all pretty much understood that it was never going to happen."

They stayed silent for several minutes, drinking their cooling Earl Gray. The coffee cake sat on their plates untouched. Gus thought there would be more to the story, but Debbie stayed silent.

"OK." He said, "So what you are saying is that they gave up on each other because of a bullshit argument and because they listened to everyone else, but themselves?"

"Well...without getting into all of the ugly specifics, I guess you can say it was as simple and as complicated as that." She answered evasively.

Gus was stunned, he couldn't believe that it was something so...well, stupid. "There must be, MUST BE more to the story than just this!" He thought.

"Why did everyone just...dump him, erase him from our lives? If they were equally at fault...or if neither of them were..." He asked, trying another tactic.

"At first, we were all hoping it was just another silly 'break' and that Brian and Justin would come to their senses and everything would be OK. But we soon realized that it wasn't happening. The thing is that each of us had a hand it that disaster, however small, so every one of us was ashamed in one way or another, myself included. Your father was very angry, very angry with all of us. He didn't speak to any of us for a time. When Sunshine moved to London, we finally understood that the Brian and Justin story was over for good. Sunshine moved on, but Brian was still here in Pittsburgh, as were we all. We wanted to mend fences with him, put things somewhat right at least between all of us. So, one by one we all stopped talking about Justin because it was easier for Brian and easier for us."

"But you still keep in touch..."

"A card twice a year isn't exactly keeping in touch. His notes say very little, so I know very little of his life. I've done enough damage in the past, so I no longer pry. I accept what I am given and I send him equally short notes on Christmas and on his birthday to tell him that I love him, miss him, think of him and that everyone is doing well. It seems to be enough."

Gus couldn't believe it. His grandmother Debbie - who was the queen of gossip around Liberty Avenue, who meddled in everyone's lives, who was very vocal with her opinions and who doled out advice to all and sundry whether it was welcome or not - was staying out of this particular relationship? Gus loved his Grams to bits, but he couldn't imagine her NOT prying into someone's life, let alone the life of his fathers one and only ex-boyfriend, or rather ex-fiance. Out of character didn't even begin to describe this kind of reaction.

"Do you know if anyone else is in touch with him?" Gus asked hopefully.

"I think Emmett was for a while. I think Teddy and Blake might have been too, but that was years ago. I have no idea if any of them still talk to each other."

"Grams..." Gus was actually apprehensive about asking this question, but it had to be done. "What did mama have to do with their breakup?"

"Lindsay?"

"Who else? Mom told me point blank years ago that Dad deserved what he got and that Justin was well rid of him. Mama jumped in, shouted, shut her up and that's the last I heard of either of their opinions. This was a long time ago, I was about seven years old at the time. Mama though...it's not that she JUST avoids the subject, Grams, she gets overly upset and acts almost guilty about the whole thing."

"Well, that...you'd have to ask her about that." She answered ambiguously again.

"But, Grams!" Gus shouted in frustration.

"I told you my side of things, Gus." She said firmly. "As much as I'd like to, I won't speak for anyone else when it comes to the Brian and Justin show. Lesson learned and all that. You want to know about Lindsay's part, you'll have to talk to her." Try as he might, she refused to answer any more of Gus's questions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gus left Debbie's house deep in thought and completely frustrated. Just like Sunny, he thought that once Grams agreed that he was old enough to hear about the past, she would give him chapter and verse of the whole story, without omitting anything and peppered liberally with her own observations and opinions. "Boy, was I fucking wrong!" he thought ruefully. She ended up giving him a vague, heavily abridged Cliff's notes version of the story that lacked any of the details that he craved to know. To call that surprising, would be an understatement of the year.

He called Sunny later that evening, retelling the conversation and she was just as surprised as he that they didn't learn much of anything new.

"So in the end, I'm back to square one. All I got out of that conversation was that everything came crashing down in one fucking evening. How stupid is that? My Dad isn't stupid, so there has to be more to it than just this." Gus said, dejectedly.

"Hey, don't give up! She said that everyone was there that night and had a part in that mess. You have tons of people who can give you some answers." She encouraged.

"Yeah, you are right. I did learn one thing for certain – my mother definitely had something to do with their break up. I also know that getting answers out of her is a waste of time without more ammunition. I think I'll take a crack at uncle Mike next. Hopefully, he'll be a bit more forthcoming with the details."

Sunny thought it was a terrific idea. Gus hung up the phone feeling better and hoping for the best.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 4 – Uncle Mike's Story

Gus would've preferred to talk to the Novotny-Bruckners all together, but since Ben was out of town on a book tour for another three weeks, and Hunter, who was now an Archaeologist, and on a dig in Egypt until the end of August, he decided to not waste any time and to talk to uncle Mike alone right away. The very next day after talking to Deb, he went to Red Cape Comics around closing time.

"Hey, uncle Mike!"

"Gus! How's it going? How's Brian? I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks."

When Deb said that none of the family were the same, she wasn't kidding. Gus was too young to understand all the nuances back when his father and Justin finally split, but he has heard enough stories from various members of the family over the years about his father's and Michael's misspent youth, to know that they used to be a lot closer BJ – before Justin. Life AJ – after Justin – was markedly different. Whatever role uncle Mike played in the denouement of that relationship, it put a wedge between the two friends, who BJ and DJ – during Justin – were like brothers, and the rift took years to mend. Things were good between them now, but never the same – it's as if their friendship lost the "best" status and the brotherly aspect of it was gone, never to return again. They seized to be comfortable around each other and though they saw and spoke to each other regularly, it was no longer an every day or even a weekly occurrence.

"He's doing good, uncle Mike. You should go see him. I know he's got a shitload of stuff happening at Kinnetik this week, so he's staying at the loft."

"I might just do that. What brings you to my humble little establishment?" He asked smiling. Gus liked comic books OK, though his preferred methods of entertainment were movies, books and occasionally video games, and he liked uncle Mike a lot, but he rarely sought him out in his place of business.

"I want to talk about something. It's kind of important." He said honestly.

"Is everything OK with Rae? You are using protection, right?"

"Not you too, uncle Mike!" Gus groaned, "What's with you people? Everything's fine between Sunny and I. This is about something else...Rather, it's about someone else..." he hesitated.

"Who? You are not cheating on Rae, are you?" Mike asked, his voice rising.

"God, no! I would never, uncle Mike! This has NOTHING to do with my girlfriend, I promise. It's about someone else entirely."

"Who?"

"Justin Taylor. I want to know what happened between him and Dad. I want to know why no one talks about him. It's as if he has died." Gus noticed Michael wincing at those particular words, he wondered why.

"Gus, not every relationship works out. People break up, move on and it's rare for exes and their friends to stay, well, friends, and talk about each other. Especially years afterwords..."

"Uncle Mike, please don't patronize me, I am not stupid. I was barely six years old when I last saw them together and I remember how they were with each other. They were going to get married for fuck's sake. Whatever happened must have been severe. Justin loved me like his own kid, yet something made him want to sever all ties even with me, with ALL of us and move to the other side of the fucking world. And after that nothing was the same for anyone – I've heard that phrase enough times whispered about throughout the years. I JUST want to understand. I'm almost 18, I'm old enough to know the truth and I deserve to know it."

Michael sighed, rubbed his hands all over his face and raked his hair wearily. Then he went around the counter, locking the front door and flipping the sign to "Closed". He jumped up onto the counter, picked up a Captain Astro action figure, as if for courage, sighed and began.

"I haven't always been in Justin's corner. During the first couple of years of their non-relationship relationship I was pretty damn against him, but he wore me down eventually, like he did with Brian, like he did with everyone. He and I became friends, good friends. We produced Rage together. He even moved in with Ben and me for a little bit after the Nth time Brian and he broke up. I was even on Justin's side during that particular break up. That was before the bombing at Babylon, before Brian finally admitted to himself and to Justin that he loved him. Well, you know all about the wedding..."

"Not really. Grams told me that Justin wanted to get his art career going in New York, but they still could have gotten married, couldn't they? And why New York, why couldn't he have stayed here? There are several art galleries in Pittsburgh. My own mother works in one - she could have sold his stuff. So, why DIDN'T they get married?"

"Several different reasons. One of them was that Justin thought that Brian was doing the whole marriage thing only because Justin wanted it and was changing who he was in the process. Justin thought it was unfair. The New York thing was another reason. Justin decided to go to New York because..." he hesitated slightly and then went for it anyway, "...because Lindsay sort of convinced Justin and then Brian that he needed to be in New York in order to have any sort of art career."

"Mama did that?" At this point Gus wasn't surprised that that his mother was somehow involved, but this revelation was startling regardless. He had no idea his mother had anything at all to do with the wedding being called off.

"Yeah, she did. Brian didn't want Justin to sacrifice an 'opportunity of a lifetime' for some hetero idea of home, hearth and a picket fence. His words, not mine. They decided not to get married and do things long-distance while Justin tried to get established in New York."

"Well, that's a load of bullshit! There are plenty of artists working and living in the Pitts. We have one of the best art institutes in the country here, for fuck's sake! What were they thinking?" Gus exclaimed in dismay. "So, OK, he moved to New York. Why did they break up? What the fuck happened?"

"Long story short, Justin was in New York and Brian was here, and miserable. So, let's just say I swung like a pendulum from Justin's corner to Brian's. I am not privy to all the details of their relationship that year. Brian isn't exactly the kind of person that confides in anyone willingly, if ever. And even though Justin and I were friends, we were never close enough for confidences. I just know it was hell on them both, but I barely saw Justin that year and I saw Brian almost every day back then." He smiled wistfully, sighed deeply and then continued. "That day, when everything went to hell in a hand basket, I don't even know who, how or over what the argument started. I think I might have missed some of the conversation, but whatever was said that started the argument, it quickly boiled over and everyone jumped in. Things were said by all of us...when we should have shut up and let them fight it out, then fuck it out, and then figure it out by, and for themselves. When the smoke cleared Justin was walking away, Brian wasn't stopping him, he was actually telling him to go to fucking hell, then he told us all the same and didn't speak to anyone for at least six months, except Ted and Blake, who luckily for them were out of town. He and I have never been the same..." his voice trailed off as he remembered the past.

"Why? I thought you said you were in his corner that time." Gus asked curiously.

"Because I said something unforgivable and for the second time, though not in the same exact words. As always, I didn't think and in trying to defend Brian I put the final nail in the coffin of their relationship and damaged a friendship that he and I shared since we were 14."

"What the fuck did you say?" Gus asked almost in fear.

"That I wished he'd died – Justin." he answered quietly, his eyes trained on the floor in obvious shame and his hands were clutching the Captain Astro figurine so tightly, his knuckles were white. "I said something along the lines of I wished none of us had ever met him, that he'd never entered our lives. That I wished he'd just disappear and stop torturing everyone, especially Brian. That Brian would be so much better off if Chris Hobbs had finished the job." He explained, regret was coming through clearly in every word he spoke.

"Chris Hobbs? The bashing?" Michael nodded, "I remember hearing about that. That's was beyond fucked up, uncle Mike." Gus said quietly, shaking his head. Gus was astonished, he never thought even for a moment that it was uncle Mike who had done the most damage.

"I know. I regretted it as soon as the words were out of my mouth, but there was nothing I could do, the damage was done."

"What happened next?" Gus asked apprehensively.

Michael squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head once. For a moment, Gus was afraid that uncle Mike would stop talking, but then he opened his eyes and began speaking again, his voice somehow hollow, distant and his eyes were focused somewhere beyond Gus, as if he was actually looking into the past.

"I thought that Brian would hit me again, like he did the first time I said something similarly idiotic. But he just froze – completely froze. I'll never forget that scene, ever! He just stood there like a statue looking at Justin and not saying anything, not contradicting anything, just standing there, motionless. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he had stopped breathing. I think we were all kinda frozen for a few minutes. There was this sudden deafening silence while Brian and Justin were just staring at each other. Then all of a sudden Justin went completely white and staggered, as if someone just stabbed him. Then he kinda moaned and I don't think I've ever heard anything more painful in my life. I wanted to apologize, to say that I didn't really mean it, but I just kept thinking 'shit, I can't believe I just said that, I can't believe I just fucking said that,' and I couldn't say a word."

"What did Justin say?" For some reason, Gus's heart was beating fast and his hands were slightly sweaty. Uncle Mike's retelling of that scene was so palpable, so clear, it was as if he was there, watching it all unfold, desperately wanting it to stop, yet being powerless to do so.

"He said 'don't worry, Brian, I'm as good as dead.' Then he basically told Brian that he didn't have to inconvenience himself anymore, he could fuck whomever, whenever and however he wanted, because they were over. He turned to look at all of us and said that he was grateful we've put up with him as long as we did, but he was removing himself from this family and to consider him dead to us as well. He started to walk away and Brian finally unfroze. He said something like 'Walking away again, Sunshine?' and Justin responded with 'You didn't want me with you to begin with.' Brian said 'I fucking changed for you!' and Justin laughed. He laughed until tears were running down his face - it was heartbreaking...And then he said "Changed? You pretended, Brian. Pretense isn't change. Besides, I've never asked you to change. All I've ever wanted you to do is to love me. To. Love. Me. And to WANT, to really WANT to be with me. That's all.' Then he said that he was done, just done...with all of us. And then Brian said fine, he can just go to hell."

"Shit! That sounds fucking intense."

"And not in a positive, life-affirming way..." Michael mumbled.

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Something your dad used to say quite a bit."

"And then?" Gus asked anxiously.

"I am not even sure, I was still in shock over what I had said; that something that I didn't even really mean, brought this kind of an end. I am not sure exactly what followed, but Brian essentially told us all to fuck off and stay out of his life. He walked out and refused to speak to anyone for months."

"What about Justin?"

"I tried to call him, to apologize, but he refused to take my calls or anyone else's for that matter. A couple of days later he changed his number and blocked all our emails, so they all came back as undeliverable. Then three months later we found out through Lindsay that he moved to London. He hasn't been to Pittsburgh since. I never got to apologize to either of them. I don't know how or why Brian forgave me and started speaking to me again. But when he did, it was only on a promise to never mention the name of Justin Taylor or to speak of that night to him ever again. I've kept my promise ever since."

"So, you haven't been in touch with him?"

"With Justin? No. He pretty much severed all ties and immediately. He left town the same night. Within a week I was contacted by an artist, Jack Thompson, who knew Justin from PIFA. He said he heard I was looking for a new cartoonist for Rage and was interested in taking over. I was still reeling from what happened and Rage was the last thing on my mind. I guess calling his friend was Justin's final gesture of goodwill, despite what I had said to him. I couldn't produce the comic on my own, so I took Jack up on the offer right away, because by that point I realized that Justin wouldn't be coming back. Jack did pretty good, though some fans thought the illustrations were inferior and we lost readership for a while. Thankfully, not for long."

"Grams said he's been sending her hand drawn birthday and Christmas cards for years."

"Has he really?" Uncle Mike was clearly surprised. "Wow! Ma never said a word to me, to any of us! This is a first - she can keep a secret when life and death are at stake, but this...It's a shock that she hasn't taken a full page ad announcing to the world that her Sunshine is talking to her again."

"He's not. He just sends good wishes and tells her he's OK." Gus explained.

"At least that's something. No one else has heard from him in twelve years."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive." Uncle Mike said confidently.

After that, the conversation trailed off. There wasn't much more to add – it seemed that that's all that uncle Mike could remember. Gus thanked him for telling him the truth and gave him a hug, because Gus saw in his uncle's eyes that he was begging for understanding and reassurance, even forgiveness. As disturbed as Gus was by what he learned, he knew that there was nothing he could do about the past and being mad at uncle Mike on his father's or Justin's behalf for something he had said 12 years ago was rather pointless.

Just before Gus left, uncle Mike asked, "Gus, do you love Rae?"

"She's...Sunny's pretty amazing, so yeah, maybe...I think so. Why?"

"If you love her, then hold on to her for as long as you possibly can. Love her with everything you've got and don't listen to anyone telling you to do otherwise. Oh, and Gus...if you ever need condoms, you let me know."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 5 – Emmett's Story

Gus couldn't stop thinking about what he found out at Grams's and at Red Cape Comics. He thought of it constantly for an entire week. Sunny and he discussed it all ad nauseum every day. He was glad he finally had some answers, but there was still a lot he didn't know. Sunny and he agreed that they needed more information. Gus decided that his next stop would have to be Emmett.

So, that Friday after school, he walked into the small and colorful, yet elegant offices of Premier Occasions, the party/wedding/charity event planning service that Emmett has been running for almost 15 years with great success.

"Hey Em, are you really busy? Do you have time to talk to me about something important?" Gus asked hopefully.

"Of course, baby! For you, I'll make time. Rest your tushie, relax and tell Auntie Em what's on your mind." Gus took a deep breath, but before he could start speaking, Emmett put his hand up dramatically and squealed,

"Wait! Oh God, you didn't get your delicious morsel of a girlfriend pregnant did you? Or get someone else pregnant, did you? Oh God, baby, please tell me you are having safe sex. If you ever need condoms, lube, spermicidal foam, I'll..."

At this point, Gus has had enough. He jumped off of the magenta loveseat Emmett stuffed him in and erupted,

"WHAT THE FUCK! Why does everyone think I'm either fucking around on Sunny, getting her or someone else pregnant? I've gotten the proverbial 'birds and the bees' lecture, the safe sex lecture, the sexual positions lecture, the monogamy versus non-monogamy lecture and the honesty in relationships lecture from each, and I mean EACH, member of this fucked up family once a year, and I mean ONCE A FUCKING YEAR, since I hit puberty! And I get the same song and dance AGAIN every fucking time I start dating someone new. I am pretty damn sure I know how to use goddamn protection and I am perfectly capable of buying my own condoms, for fuck's sake! Why all the fucking scrutiny of my sex life? Tell me, Em, why?" Gus roared in anger and sheer frustration.

Emmett thoroughly perturbed by the outburst answered without thinking.

"Because next to the definition of promiscuity in any dictionary you'll find the name and picture of one Brian Kinney."

"What?" Gus thought that he completely misheard what Emmett said.

"Your dad is, or rather was, a bit of a horndog in his...ahem...youth...yeah, youth." Emmett explained reluctantly.

"God, Em, I know he slept around!" Gus sighed in exasperation, "It's not exactly a secret. He owns Babylon, for fuck's sake. You can't grow up around Liberty Avenue and not hear the rumors about the Stud of Liberty Avenue, God's gift to gay PA, but Jesus..."

"You don't understand, honey. I was being...nice. The word promiscuity pales in comparison to your father's sex-capades. He, most would say and he would agree, redefined the word. Granted, that hasn't been the case for a long time, but people around here have long memories. That's especially true for this family."

"So fucking what? I am NOT Brian Kinney! I may look a lot like him, but I don't act like he did and I don't plan on it. I love my Dad, but I am Gus fucking Peterson-Kinney and I am damn tired of being judged for something I haven't even done yet, at least not with Sunny..." He suddenly trailed off...

"You are waiting?" Emmett asked incredulously. Gus blushed in response.

"It's not like I haven't had sex before, I haven't been a virgin in over a year. She's just so different, Em..." Gus sat back down on the loveseat, then got up again and started pacing, a dreamy look coming over his face, "I don't know, she makes me feel better, she makes me want to be better, she... I don't know, Em. We like each other so fucking much! We might even be in love, though we haven't said it yet. We've been close a few times, but neither one of us wanted it to be just another fuck, so we always stopped at the last possible second. I don't know how, but we did. We thought it would be better if we waited, at least until prom or something. Make it more special. It's only a few more weeks, it's not that big a deal to wait for a few more weeks, is it?"

"No, it isn't. I'm proud of you, baby." Emmett said softly with tears in his eyes. "And I am sorry for jumping to conclusions. You are right, you are definitely not Brian Kinney – you just look like a younger carbon copy of him. You are only 17, still so young, so it's OK to be unsure about whether or not you are in love. A word of advice, though, when you do figure it out and whenever you realize that you ARE. IN. LOVE don't waste time on being afraid of it, or on rejecting it, or on running from it. Embrace it! Shout it from the rooftops! Hold on to it for as long as you fucking can and fight for it for all its worth! That's where your Dad made his biggest mistake. Don't do the same."

"You are talking about Justin, aren't you?" Gus suddenly stopped pacing and sat back down onto the loveseat.

"You remember him?"

"Yeah and Justin Taylor is about whom I came here to talk. I want to know what happened between them, Em."

"You may not like what you hear, baby. It doesn't exactly paint any of us in a very good light. Are you prepared for that?"

"I can handle the truth, Em. Please, tell me." Gus urged.

"Well, here's what I know..." Emmett stood up, came around his desk and sat next to Gus on the loveseat. The loveseat was small and the fit was a bit on the tight side for the both of them, but for some reason, Gus was glad of this proximity. Emmett's nearness gave him courage to hear the rest of the tale. Emmett continued and the quiet, soothing lilt of his Southern voice soon captivated him and took him straight into the past.

"Justin went to new York sometime in April, found a place to live with a friend's cousin. He got a job somewhere to help pay the bills. I can't remember where, though, and it's not all that important. What's important is that Justin was and I'm sure still is, extremely independent. He hated the idea of not making it on his own, of using Brian. Brian wanted to help, get Justin a nicer place to live, help pay the bills, so that Justin could concentrate on his art, take the New York art world by storm and still have time to have a relationship with Brian. Brian thought that since they were partners, they should share and share alike, as they say. He thought that his money was half Justin's even though they didn't get married. Justin outright refused. He wanted to do this on his own, make it on his own, get as successful as Brian through his own hard work, sweat and tears. Admirable, but, in my opinion, a little unnecessary. They didn't compromise, which was a mistake. At first, they saw each other as often as possible, but it was getting harder and harder. Justin was working all the time – he hardly slept, hardly ate. He either worked, painted or pounded the pavement going from gallery to gallery, and office to office, trying to get an agent or a gallery to represent his work. It was months before it paid off, but when he finally got representation and got some paintings accepted in a show, he started working even harder. Brian was already a workaholic, but not having Justin around made him even more of one. I'm pretty sure that year was one of the most successful for Kinnetik, at least up until that point. But, somehow, they were making it work. They were both miserable with the distance, with not seeing each other regularly, but they were hopeful and...faithful...That one was hard to believe considering their past open relationship. It was especially hard to believe about Brian, who for the longest time considered monogamy to be a disease, but, shockingly, it was true. They were in contact all the time – phone calls, emails, that sort of thing – but as months went on they saw less and less of each other in person. They were just too busy. Anyway, about a year later it was Justin's turn to come for the weekend. That weekend was also kind of rare because everyone in the family was together again, even the girls were here from Toronto."

"Wait, WE were here? I was here?" Gus cried in utter surprise.

"Yes, didn't you know?" Emmett frowned.

"No, I...Somehow, I was under the impression that we were in Toronto when it all went down. But if we were here, why don't I remember any of this?"

"When the whole disaster happened that evening at Deb's, you and JR were upstairs in Mikey's old room sound asleep. I guess, you kids were both tuckered out from all the excitement earlier that day. Anyway, I can't remember why the girls were here that week, but for the first time that year we were all assembled. It was like old times and things were going amazingly well. We all had breakfast at the diner and Deb invited everyone to her house for a family dinner. Ted and Blake were going away for the weekend to see some opera or other in Harrisburg, so luckily for them they couldn't go to Debs."

"That's what everyone is saying – they were lucky not to have been there." Gus nodded in agreement.

"It was a goddamn mess, so yeah, they were lucky. In retrospect, though, I wonder if things would have turned out differently if Ted, with his analytical mind, and Blake, with his counselor skills, could have diffused the situation somehow. Who knows..." He fell silent, thinking about the past.

"Uncle Ben's pretty mellow. Dad even calls him Zen Ben sometimes, why didn't he help calm things down?"

"Ben's priority has always been and always will be Michael, and well, Hunter as well. So, when things went south, he was concerned more about Michael and Hunter getting themselves into trouble, than about either Brian or Justin. Though in the end that didn't help much." Emmett quieted and got lost in his memories again.

"What happened that night, Em?" Gus asked again, bringing him back to the present.

"Oh...We were pretty much done eating, you kids were asleep upstairs and we were all drinking wine and Beam, talking, laughing, joking, teasing. Then conversation turned to Justin's show and his incredible success and then...then...Lindsay asked Justin how Ethan was."

"Mama? Ethan? Who the fuck is he?" Gus asked in confusion.

"A blast from he past." Emmett sighed heavily, "Let's just say he was one of the reasons for one of Brian and Justin's past break ups. He was apparently in New York for a concert – he's a violinist – and heard about Justin's art show. They didn't part on good terms, Justin and Ethan. So, Ethan, from what I understand just wanted to bury the hatchet and congratulate Justin on his success. They had dinner, just dinner, once, just to catch up on each others lives. Problem was that Justin didn't say anything about it to Brian or to anyone else for that matter. I don't know how Lindsay found out or why she brought it up. And it wouldn't have been as big a deal if she said things in a different way, but the way she said it made it seem like Justin kept things from Brian on purpose, like he was cheating, or getting ready to cheat or, at the very least, wanted to."

"Why would she do something like that?" Gus was shocked, he never would have thought his mother would ever be malicious. "Why would she hurt Dad like that? Or Justin?"

"That, baby, you'll have to find out from her. I have my suspicions, but that's all they are – suspicions. None of us ever talked about it again. So, you can guess from here that things spiraled out of control pretty quickly. Brian was hurt, accused Justin of not trusting him at best and of betraying him at worst. Justin tried to defend himself and accused Brian of not trusting him either...and that's where we all made the mistake – we all jumped in with our opinions and we took sides, when we should have let them talk it through. It just added fuel to the fire. Mel didn't help by making vague comments and insinuations that Brian wasn't exactly faithful either, which wasn't true. Instead of refuting that bit of bullshit, Brian let his stubborn pride take over, got his back up and clammed up. He decided that after everything they've been through, Justin shouldn't mistrust him. Justin wanted some sort of confirmation and neither one of them would bend. That just pissed everyone else off. In the end, we were all arguing on their behalf amongst ourselves, while they stopped talking. Then Michael shot his mouth off and said..."

"I know what he said, Em, he told me." Gus interrupted quickly. "It was a pretty fucked up thing to say." Gus didn't want to hear those words again, hearing it once was more than enough.

"Yeah, it was. It was like a bucket of icy water was thrown on us all because we all suddenly shut up. We were all paralyzed with...I don't know...angry fear? You could hear a pin drop, it was so quiet. If it was a painting, I would have called it 'Still Life With Adults and Anger'. Then Justin let out a keening sound as if he was physically hurt, he told Brian it was over, he told us he wanted nothing to do with any of us and left. Brian said a few harsh things, but when Justin walked out he looked like he was collapsing in on himself. Oh, he was still standing tall, doing his best to be Brian-fucking-Kinney on the outside, but his heart was breaking. It was all in his eyes. I could see, but no one else was paying attention. A couple of minutes later, Brian told us all to basically go fuck ourselves and to stay out of his life and walked out too. We were all still standing there shell-shocked."

"You said everyone had a part, said some things they wished they didn't. What did you say or do?"

"Thankfully, I didn't put my foot in my mouth quite like Michael did, but I did make the mistake of picking sides. I picked Justin, when I should have been on both their sides, trying to stop the madness. Actually, I shouldn't have waded into the fray at all. Brian didn't speak to me for months. When he started speaking to me again he called me Emmett, ONLY Emmett, if he addressed me by name at all. It was a year, a full year before he called me Honeycutt jokingly, which he knows I hate. It took even longer for him to call me Auntie Em, which he knows I sort of like. The day he called me Auntie Em again, I cried like a baby because I knew I was finally forgiven."

"Yeah, I know exactly what that's like, Auntie Em." Gus smiled and took Emmett's hand in his and lightly squeezed it in understanding, Emmett smiled back. "Have you been in touch with him, with Justin?"

"He didn't return any of my calls and then changed his number pretty quickly. I got one email from him, thanking me for everything, for being a good friend and wishing me a good life. Then my email was blocked and anything I sent came back as undeliverable. I understood that he wanted to be left alone, so that's what I did. But you know what? In his way, he keeps in touch."

"What do you mean?" Gus asked curiously.

"I get a surprising number of artsy-type clients out of New York that have heard of my services from a 'friend'," Emmett dramatically used air quotes and smiled widely. "I'm certain there's enough party planning businesses in New York City to go around that no one would ever need to 'import' from out of state. But every year, there's at least two new New York clients that just have to have Premier Occasions do an event for them. Some have become regular customers and very good friends over the years."

"Are you sure it's him?" To Gus, this sounded rather far-fetched and he was a bit skeptical.

"Oh, positive! His name is never mentioned specifically, but I heard and recognized the names of the galleries where his work has been shown and the names of the people he has worked with. The internet is also a wonderful resource, if you want to find out something, so I too keep in touch, in my way." Emmett explained.

"I Googled him too. You know he got married?" Gus asked gently.

"Yes. When I read that online, I got a bottle of champagne and toasted his happiness, because he deserves it. Then my nelly-ass cried, because I wasn't toasting their happiness – Brian and Justin's." Emmett answered sadly, tears shimmering in his eyes again.

Emmett and Gus grew quiet thinking about the story and it's incredibly sad end. Then Gus shook his head vehemently and wondered:

"Emmett, I don't understand. Why did they give up so quickly? One fucking argument? One! Over what, sex? That's such bullshit! Especially, if none of the cheating comments were true."

"I don't know, Gus. I've thought a lot about it over the years. I don't think it was even about sex, in the end. I think it was about trust..." He said quietly and fell silent for a few minutes and then continued. "Trust and pride, and stubbornness. You'll have to talk to Brian and Justin themselves to find out their thinking that night. Personally, I think that the separation was a bigger problem than what either of them let on. I think that they were tired of being apart, they were on edge. I suspect neither one of them wanted to admit, at least to each other, that the long-distance thing was as hard as it was. I think it all became too much and they just let that stupid argument get to them. And the family taking sides over vague accusations from someone who was neither in New York, nor in Pittsburgh at the time, didn't help in the slightest. Michael's comment was just the last straw, at least for Justin."

"Why didn't he just tell everyone to just shut the fuck up?" Gus implored.

"You'd have to have been there and seen it to understand. Think of it from Justin's point of view. He watched the entire family get on the bandwagon and fight amongst each other over who's at fault in his relationship. Then one person essentially says 'oh, it would be so much better for everyone, if you were dead' and suddenly everyone stops arguing! The man you love doesn't say anything, doesn't contradict anything, neither does anyone else. Everyone's just standing there silent, looking at you. No one's taking the words back, no one's apologizing, especially not your partner. What would you think?"

"Right then and there? Probably that they and he agreed with those words."

"Right..."

"But, Emmett... Later, what about later? Why didn't my Dad do something to fix things? He's Brian-fuckin-Kinney, he can fix ANYTHING!" Gus cried in frustration and jumped up again to pace. Emmett let out a quiet laugh at hearing those words and said:

"I don't know, baby. You'll have to ask him about that. The one time I dared to mention Justin and that night to Brian after he started speaking to me again, he stormed out and I haven't heard from him in a month. Brian's friendship was important enough for me to apologize and promise to him to leave the past alone and, well, in the past."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Gus left Premier Occasions completely overwhelmed. There were so many thoughts running through his head all at once that he couldn't focus on anything. So, now he knew the truth; at least as much of it as it was possible to find out from others. He decided that talking to uncle Teddy or Blake wouldn't help him much, since neither of them were actually there. Like he, they would be outsiders looking in and could only provide background information, which, at this point wasn't important. He briefly thought of talking to Carl - as a retired policeman, his granddad was extremely observant and could probably give him more details of that night. In the end, however, Gus decided that he didn't need any more details, what he has already learned was painful enough.

In the muddle that was his brain one thing became suddenly clear - that what he wanted to know and understand now were the motivations behind the actions of the three main players in this drama. And in order to figure that out he had to go straight to their respective source - his mother, his father and Justin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 6 – Resolve

After leaving Emmett's office Gus went straight to Sunny's. There was so much on his mind that he didn't know what to do with himself. He had to talk it through and there was no one else he'd rather confide in than Sunny. He rang the bell of the North residence and for some reason was surprised to see Mrs. North at the door, he somehow expected his girlfriend to greet him.

"Gus! Hello! Please come in. Sunny's upstairs, studying, I hope." She said with a smile and opened the door wide in welcome.

Gus smiled somewhat tightly and walked in. Mrs. North looked at him in concern and placing her hand on his forearm asked,

"Gus, you look upset. Is everything OK? Is there something I can do to help?"

"No, thank you, Mrs. North. I'm fine, really. It's nothing serious, I just need to talk to Sunny. Is it OK, if we go out for a bit?"

"Of course! It's not a school night, so I thought you would be going out anyway." She said, her eyebrows rising quizzically.

"I had family stuff going on, so we didn't have exact plans." Gus said by way of explanation.

"Is everything all right with your family? If you ever need someone to talk to, Ron and I are here for you. Remember that, Gus, OK?"

"Thank you, Mrs. North. That means a lot to me, really, but my family is OK...sort of. Everyone's fine, don't worry." He added. "I just got some news that I am trying to process. Talking to Sunny will help." He answered evasively, smiling again.

"Sure, I understand. Go on up, Gus." she motioned towards the stairs that led to her daughters room.

Gus went up to Sunny's room and saw her sitting at her desk, surfing the net on her laptop. She turned around when he opened the door, took one look at his face and without a word went up to him and enveloped him in a tight embrace.

"Are you OK?" She asked quietly and lightly kissed him on the lips.

"Yeah, I am. I just needed this badly."

"What?"

"You..." He said, lightly blushed and briefly frowned. "You, your arms, your lips. Just you." He sighed and put his forehead on hers. They stayed like that for a few minutes, with eyes closed, enjoying each others closeness and slightly swaying from side to side, as if dancing to music that wasn't there. A few minutes later they pulled apart. Gus sighed and smiled.

"Thanks, Sunny. I actually feel better. I wasn't exactly upset...more overwhelmed..." he fell silent and then stretched out on her bed, pulling her next to him.

"What happened at Emmett's?" She asked curiously.

"I heard more of the story...pretty much all of it actually. I don't think any other details are all that important, at this point." He said and then recounted his conversation. "Basically what I found out is that my parents are fools – all four of them! And the rest of my family are meddlesome busybodies who don't know when to shut the fuck up. Well, at least that's what they were back then. Now, it's all different..."

"You consider Justin your parent?" Sunny asked surprised.

"If they stayed together, he would have been another Dad, another parent to me. I loved him. I missed him when he left. I didn't understand what happened and no one would tell me. Now that I know, I don't know how or what to feel. I understand that uncle Mike's comment hurt him. Who wouldn't get hurt hearing something like that? So I feel so sorry for him and I feel that his anger was justified, but to a point. I also think that he overreacted. That was a totally shitty, horrible thing to say, but it wasn't said maliciously...it was said in a fit of anger, passion, what have you. And it just shocked everyone, stunned them into silence. No one, I mean no one believed it, no one agreed with it, they all just reacted badly...or not at all, including my Dad. If Justin just waited, maybe a few minutes or a couple of hours, or days even, they all would have apologized, explained that it was all bullshit. But he just... he just gave up. Just like that!" Gus clicked his fingers together. Then he sighed and continued.

"And Dad...God! I don't think I've ever seen him NOT react to something, if that makes any sense. He's such a physical person. I can totally see him punching uncle Mike's face in. I can imagine him shouting, or cursing, or pacing, or...something!" Gus said, frustrated and got off the bed to pace, unintentionally mimicking the father he was describing. "I have NEVER seen him stunned into immobility or lose the power of speech. That's so unlike him, it's hard for me to believe! But, OK, he was stunned, upset, couldn't say anything...fine, I guess there's a first time for everything. But, afterwords, how could he let his stupid pride get the best of him? Why didn't he defend himself, tell Justin that all the insinuations were lies, were bullshit? How could he let him go like that, Sunny?"

"I don't know Gus. I wish I could understand it too." She said quietly.

"And my moms! I can see mom doing something intentionally to upset Dad. They've never had a good relationship and now they don't have one at all. Her behavior, as awful as it was, is actually not all that surprising. But mama... Oh, my God! I can't even, fathom..." he stopped, his expression was that of complete bewilderment. "How could she do something so...mean...so malicious...so, fucking, ON PURPOSE? I don't want to believe that of her and it's really hard for me to do that, but...something in my gut says that it's true, whether I want to believe it or not!" He said dejectedly, his hands pressed into his stomach, as if to prove the point.

"You have to talk to them, Gus. You have to talk to them all." Sunny said softly, but with a quiet conviction.

"It's pointless to talk to mom. I already know her opinion. Besides, I have no desire whatsoever to do this over the phone or even over Skype. As for the others...I'm going to talk to mama tomorrow. I'll force her to talk to me, if I have to, but she WILL tell me the truth! Same with Dad, we are supposed to hang out on Sunday. They can't avoid this any longer."

"What about Justin? He's in London."

"Yeah, that's a definite problem. I'd take my savings and buy a plane ticket now, but with school it would be impossible to go to fucking England until Spring break at the earliest. So, I'll have to think about that."

"Don't worry, Gus. We'll come up with something, some sort of plan." She said and kissed him again.

"Thanks, Sunny. Thanks for listening to me rant and rave."

"You didn't rant or rave." She laughed lightly. "You talked and you feel better. I can see it in your eyes. So, no thanks necessary – that's what a girlfriend is for."

Sunny and Gus didn't end up going out that evening. They stayed home with Sunny's parents, even though it was Friday night. They ate pizza and watched "The Maltese Falcon", which turned out to be a favorite of Ronald North's and which both Gus, and Sunny liked also.

When Gus got home that night, he went straight to his room without saying anything to his mother. Half an hour later, she came into his room to check on him and to make sure he was OK, but Gus pretended to be asleep. He was tired and although talking to Sunny helped a great deal, he was not ready to talk to his mother quite yet. He wanted to get some rest and mentally prepare himself for what he was sure to be an unpleasant confrontation.

Unfortunately, neither sleep nor rest were forthcoming and Gus spent most of the night tossing and turning, thinking about his Dad, his mother, Justin and the rest of the family. He went over his conversations with Grams, uncle Mike and Emmett again and again, and thought how curious it was that even though that fateful night happened so long ago, everyone seemed to remember it with amazing clarity. He realized that the memory of that night was so persistent because none of them put it behind them in any meaningful way, never got proper closure. He gathered that in their attempts to get into his father's good graces after that fiasco, they collectively swept it all under a rug and left it there unexamined and untouched for over a decade. On their own, individually, they would peak into that dark corner with regret and then bury it back up again. As a family, though, no one wanted to bring on the hurt again, so no one talked about it and no one apologized to anyone else for causing the rift not just between Brian and Justin, but between each other.

Gus thought of each member of their unconventional family and their connection to him, to his Dad, to his mother and to each other. All were on speaking terms, all were friends, all were family. Each of them have individually mended fences with Brian and between themselves, but he realized that they've never quite done the same as a group; not all together; not all the way.

Sunday dinners at Grams with everyone gathered together was a distant memory – Gus couldn't remember those days at all, he just heard about them mentioned in passing. Since moving back to Pittsburgh after he turned eight, Deb's Sunday dinner had one or two invitees. The Sunday after it would be a different pair of people.

The traditional breakfast at the Liberty Diner with the entire gang together was also a thing of the past. Brian started to get his breakfast to go, unless he ate there with Gus, or made breakfast himself at home. Only uncle Ted and Blake were regular breakfast eaters at the diner to this day. Once in a while they'd be joined by Emmett and whomever he was dating at the time. Sometimes it would be Uncle Mike, sometimes Uncle Ben, sometimes Hunter, when he was in town. His mother avoided the diner like the plague and didn't go in there unless she absolutely had to. Gus couldn't remember the last time everyone was having breakfast, or any other meal, together at the Liberty Diner as a family, like in the stories he heard of the 'good old days'.

The holidays were very much the same – everyone celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas in their own little circles – Ted with Blake; uncle Mike, uncle Ben and Hunter with Grams, and Carl; Gus himself spent holidays either with his mother, or with his father, and occasionally in Toronto with mom and JR. None of them ever came together for a big holiday shindig – it's as if they were all afraid that the ghost of that long ago night would rear it's ugly head and upset the delicate balance that they've achieved over the last decade.

Gus couldn't understand how an argument, even a bad one, could have such far-reaching consequences. "They are supposed to be adults, for fuck's sake! They are supposed to be smarter, more mature, stronger, braver, less... well, less stupid!" Gus thought. He realized that he was disappointed, so very disappointed in all of them. "I'm going to fix this. I have to fix this!" he vowed to himself.

For some reason that resolve finally helped quiet his mind and he fell into a restful sleep in the wee hours of the morning, dreaming of a beautiful party on the grounds of Britin, where everyone was there, all together, dressed up in all their finery, drinking champagne and laughing. He dreamed of a crowded dance floor constructed in a meadow not far from the stables, where Deb was dancing with Carl, uncle Mike with uncle Ben, Hunter with Indiana Josie, an Archeologist girlfriend of his, who got that silly nickname because her name was Josie, and she was from Indiana. He saw uncle Ted and Blake dancing a complicated tango, completely against the music that was being played. He saw mama dancing with Amy, a co-worker of hers from the gallery, who Gus knew for a fact was straight. He saw his mom dancing with Kiki from the diner; which was weird, but weird things often happened in dreams. "That's right, this IS a dream!" he realized. He saw JR, suddenly looking very grown up, dancing with a friend of his from high school. He saw Emmett dancing with a retired football player, named Drew Boyd, which for some odd reason was not at all surprising. And then he saw them – Dad and Justin – swaying together slowly in one place, wrapped around each other, their foreheads pressed together and their eyes closed. Gus's heart squeezed painfully in his chest because it was just a dream and it wasn't real.

Then, suddenly, the scenery changed and they were no longer on the dance floor, but in a beautiful dining room set up under a wide, white party tent decorated with an abundance of flowers (all orchids), balloons and candles. Oddly enough each candle had a small hand drawn card attached that declared it to be "Hypoallergenic and fragrance free!", with an exclamation point. "What a bizarre thing to add to a wedding decoration?" Gus thought and then realized that he was, in fact, dreaming of a wedding. "But whose?" was his very next thought. In the next instant he realized he was standing up, while the rest of this dream wedding party was sitting down and looking expectantly at him."What do I do? Am I supposed to speak? What do I say?" he thought frantically and started to look around him, hoping someone will come to his aide.

He turned to his right and then...then the world disappeared as if into a mist, together with the party tent, the guests and the decorations...because the only thing he could see was her – Rowena Marie North, Rae, his Sunny – smiling brighter than the sun itself, wearing the most beautiful white dress, a ring sparkling on her finger as she brought her hand up to his face to lightly touch his cheek. "Gus..." she whispered, "Gus..."

"Gus! Wake up! Your father's on the phone." his mother shook him awake, tearing him out of the dream.

"My wedding, it was MY fucking wedding!" He said aloud, instantly awake, abruptly sitting up in his bed.

"What?" Lindsay said in astonishment.

"Nothing, mama. Just a dream, it was just a dream. Who's on the phone?" he asked.

"Brian," she answered and handed him the cordless handset.

It turned out that his Dad had to go on a business trip unexpectedly to Chicago for a week and had to cancel their Sunday plans. Then Brian told Gus that he apparently left his cell at Sunny's.

"I guess I'll have to have 'the Justin talk' with Dad when he comes back." he thought after they hung up.

Gus got up and while taking a shower, he remembered his resolve to find a way to fix things in his family. Then he thought of his dream and realized that that's exactly what he wanted – his family all around him on his wedding day; no matter when or how far in the future that actually happens in reality, and no matter who he marries, though, he decided it would be totally awesome if it ended up being Rae.

He got out of the shower, got dressed and went down to the kitchen. His mother was sitting in the breakfast nook, drinking coffee and reading the Arts & Leisure section of the Pittsburgh Post Gazette. Gus walked up to the table, sat down across from her, took the newspaper out of her hands and said:

"Mama, we need to talk."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 7 – Mama's Story & Other Developments

"Mama, we need to talk."

"Of course, lambskin. What about?" She wrapped her hands around her coffee cup and took a delicate sip.

"God! You know I hate it when you call me that!" Gus groaned, then sighed.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Is that better?" She asked him, smiling sweetly.

"Sure, whatever. Mama..."

"Are you hungry? Do you want some breakfast?" Lindsay quickly interrupted, setting her coffee cup down and getting up from the table. She was about to breeze past him when Gus suddenly captured her hand, preventing her from leaving the breakfast nook and gently forcing her to turn around to look at him. Gus suddenly realized that his mother somehow knew what was coming and was desperately trying to avoid it. "Not gonna happen!" he thought.

"Gussie..." she started, but Gus has had enough evasiveness from her.

"Lindsay!" he said sternly, in a perfect imitation of his father's voice, without really being aware of it. "Sit down, please!" Lindsay was so surprised that she complied immediately and sat down in a chair next to him, forgetting all about making him breakfast, her coffee and her newspaper.

"Mama, I want to talk about Justin Taylor." He said, still holding her hand.

She shook her head vehemently, "Gus you are not..."

"Yes, mama, I am old enough." Gus interrupted quietly, "I've already talked to Grams and uncle Mike, and Em, so I know most of the story..."

"Michael and Emmett?" She cried in astonishment, "I didn't know. Deb told me you just talked to her. She said she told you..."

"A whole lot of vague nothing. Grams, who has the memory of an elephant, was surprisingly sketchy with the details. She gave me a lot of background, skirting anything specific. Uncle Mike and Auntie Em, though, were honest. They were HONEST, mama. That's all I am asking. This was a long time ago. I am not trying to hurt you, I just want to understand."

"Gus!" She pleaded, but before she could continue, he asked.

"I know pretty much everything that happened that night. I am not asking you to repeat it. I just want to know why. Why did you convince Justin to go to New York? He could have stayed here..."

"New York is the center of the art world, he couldn't have had much of a career here, Gus!" She said it like a mantra, as if it's been rehearsed a thousand times.

"I'm sorry, mama, but you know as well as I do that it's bullshit. Pittsburgh may not be the center of the art world, but it's a pretty thriving province. If it wasn't, YOU wouldn't have a job. There are plenty of successful artist living here, like Adrian Bennett, who's in a damn wheelchair, paralyzed AND amazingly successful. You've said so yourself when you introduced me to her. Besides, after Justin and Dad broke up, Justin LEFT New York. He's been living in London ever since and, guess what, he's hugely successful on both sides of the ocean. Please tell me the truth, mama, why? Why New York? It was one of the reasons they canceled the their wedding."

"Gus, you are too young to understand this about your father, but marriage would have changed Brian. It wouldn't have been him anymore. Neither Brian nor Justin wanted that, neither wanted him to change who he was." She said, trying to deflect his questions.

"Who? An over the hill club boy, forever single and alone?"

"Gus!" She said outraged.

"Mama, come on!" Gus exclaimed in frustration. "I grew up on Liberty Avenue, don't you think I've heard worse? I know that Dad used to screw everything male that moved. I know that they had an open relationship. I could not help, but hear the rumors over the years being around Liberty, Red Cape and the diner almost every day. Uncle Mike and Emmett said that all that changed when they got engaged. They were happy until you started talking to them about New York... Everyone thought he changed for the better, but even if he had changed for the worse, it was HIS life, HIS decision and THEIR relationship. It wasn't up to you to decide for them and convince them to do something that damaged their future. Why did you?" he implored.

"I was jealous, OK! Jealous!" She suddenly shouted, then sprang up from the chair and started pacing.

"But...but...but..." Gus sputtered, "you are both gay!"

"Not that kind of jealous, Gus! It was never about sex between us." She sighed heavily and sat back down. She sat silent for a few minutes, looking out the window, her hands playing nervously with the sash of her silk robe. Before Gus could urge her to start talking, she suddenly turned around and looked directly at him, blinking back tears. Then she began:

"This is very difficult, very painful for me to say and to admit. I feel guilty and ashamed, and sorry... but there's nothing I can do to change the past. The truth is, I was jealous of Brian, of Justin and of them both and for a lot of reasons. I liked Justin when I met him, a lot. His artistic talent at first intrigued me, then impressed me and then it staggered me. I didn't have even a tenth of the talent he possessed even as a boy of 17; even after he got a permanent brain injury in the bashing. He only got better and better with time, while my skills with a paintbrush, pencil, and charcoal only kept deteriorating." She suddenly stopped, leaned over the table and picked up her forgotten cup of tepid coffee. She gulped it down a little too quickly and coughed, but then a minute later she was in control again and continued.

"I've always admired artistic talent in others, tried to emulate it, but without much success. I might have been mildly envious of some of the artists I knew and worked with before, but it was nothing compared to what I felt for Justin's talent. This envy grew like a cancer in me, coming seemingly out of nowhere. I don't know when or how or even why I started being jealous of him, but somewhere along the line I began to get this awful, gnawing feeling of humiliation over my own failure and inadequacy every time I saw his work. The kicker is that I loved his work, still do. I was and still am in utter awe of it! And I loved him, as a friend, as a surrogate kid sometimes, even as a brother. His artistry, however, isn't the only thing I envied about Justin. He met Brian at 17, the same age that you are now and he fell in love with him immediately. He knew, KNEW, what and who he wanted right away and pursued Brian without hesitation, and with a relentlessness that was bordering on obsession. He was so strong, so brave, so resilient, so independent, so optimistic, with a maturity beyond his years. It took me all of my twenties to get to a point emotionally that he reached by the time he was 19. I was both proud and terrified of his strength of character. And again, envious..." She said quietly and fell silent again, thinking.

"What about Dad? Why were you jealous of him?" Gus asked, urging her to continue talking.

"Similar reasons, actually." She answered thoughtfully. "While Justin is an artist with a paintbrush, Brian is an artist when it comes to words, to a perfectly written ad copy. I envied his success, his ease along the corporate ladder, while partying into oblivion every single night. He worked hard, there's no doubt about it, and Brian deserved all the success that he has achieved, even before he started Kinnetik. He deserves it still." Then let out a strangled sort of laugh and shook her head. "Actually, I think that I envied the fact that he was doing what he loved, more than his actual success or his material possessions. He did what he LOVED at work and after work he lived his life exactly as he wanted with no apologies, no excuses, no regrets, no responsibilities and seemingly no consequences. He was LIVING his dream and when he started Kinnetik, he discovered a new dream that he didn't even know he wanted, and he made a huge success of it too. I, on the other hand, had to settle for second best, because I didn't have the talent to make it as an artist, which is all I've ever wanted and all I've ever dreamed of professionally." Then she shook her head again and sighed deeply. "Truth be told, even if I did have the talent, I don't think I would have had the balls to go to New York by myself, to try my fortune on my own. The life of a starving artist never appealed to me. The thing is that I liked teaching art and I do like gallery work; and I am good, even very good at it. But I've never LOVED either job and neither one has ever felt like a career, like a vocation. Deep down it's always made me dissatisfied, made me feel like I was pretending, made me feel like a fraud. So, that's why I envied him with a passion – he had the courage, or more accurately, a devil may care attitude, to take risks and succeeded. While I've always chosen the easier, much more traveled road and always felt that I failed. "

"You said you envied them both. Why?" he asked, apprehensively. Gus was transfixed by his mother's account. He hung on to her every word in utter disbelief. Her revelations were illuminating, yet, incredibly painful. "This is my mother," he thought, "and I don't know her at all."

"I think I might be ashamed of that most of all..." She said, picking up her beautifully folded paper napkin and unfolding it in her fingers. "Before Brian met Justin, he has never loved anyone. No, let me rephrase that... He has never allowed himself to love anyone, except me and Michael, and, perhaps Deb. He loved Deb like a mother, Michael like his best friend - no, like a brother - and me like a best friend. Not that he ever said the words 'I love you' to any of us. He used euphemisms or when we told him we loved him, he would reply with 'always have, always will' without ever saying the words. That was the case for years, until Justin came along." Then she stopped for a few seconds, as if collecting her thoughts.

"Then things changed, not overnight by any means, but they did." When she began speaking again, her busy fingers began to shred her previously beautiful napkin arrangement into tiny little pieces. "Their five year relationship was no picnic for Justin, let me tell you. They would break up, get back together, then break up again. It took five years and a bomb at Babylon for Brian to finally admit to Justin that he loved him. But the thing is, even though things didn't change overnight, they started to change the very night that Brian met him - the same night you were born. He began to break all his rules almost immediately and he began to change himself. It was pretty obvious to all of us pretty soon that Brian was completely in love with him, though he refused to acknowledge it for a very, very long time."

"So, did you think that Dad wouldn't love you anymore, wouldn't be your friend? Were you afraid of losing him? Is that why you were jealous of Justin, of them both?"

"No...It's not that exactly. I knew that Brian's feelings for me wouldn't change, especially after I had you. It was the feeling they had shared that I envied..." She said wistfully, while her fingers continued to lay waste to the napkin. "...a feeling I've never experienced, even to this day – a feeling of being completely, unreservedly, irrevocably in love. I loved Mel, very much and for a few years we had a very good life together. We had kids together, a home, a future. For a while we were content, even happy, but in love? No. I've never been IN LOVE, with all that it entails. Up until Brian met Justin, I thought that we were very much the same, cut of the same cloth, so to speak. I thought that we could love, though he wouldn't allow himself to do so, but we were those people who didn't have the ability TO FALL IN LOVE. Wendy and Peter, together forever." She gave a short laugh and to Gus it sounded incredibly sad and lonely.

"So, I was content to build my safe hearth, home and family with Mel, while living vicariously through Brian's wild existence. That all changed when Justin came along, as I said. At first, I thought it was great. I thought that Justin would make Brian more human, or something. I encouraged the relationship, but again, somewhere along the line this uncontrollable jealousy had set in. At first I didn't even notice it, didn't recognize it. Then, like Brian, I refused to acknowledge it. Mel an I were having problems and I was dissatisfied with my own life for various and sundry reasons and eventually it became almost painful to see them together. They looked at each other the way they've never looked at anyone else. Sometimes they looked at each other like no one else in the world existed. I envied that look, so, so much!" She ended on a anguished whisper, her fingers slightly shaking and there were tears in her eyes. There was nothing left of her napkin, but dust.

"Why, mama?" Gus whispered urgently, reluctant to raise his voice for some reason.

"Because no one has ever looked at me like that in my life and I've never felt that way about anyone in order to do the same. So there it is, in a nutshell – your mother is a failure in almost every way, an extremely weak and pathetic woman who begrudged the happiness of two people who were very important to her, and who did everything in her power to destroy that relationship because of selfish, all-consuming jealousy." She said, her voice defeated.

"So, you convincing Justin to go to New York..."

"It wasn't a conscious plan, it was a more instinctive 'what if' scenario – either they break-up because of the distance or Justin's art career doesn't take off; either way..."

"You win..." he guessed.

"Yeah. I win. Except, his career did take off, because of his enormous talent, his perseverance and his optimism. And their relationship was working out – their monogamous, long-distance relationship, which in the Brian Kinney world at the time, was akin to hell freezing over. That night at the family dinner at Deb's I saw them together and they were so incredibly happy, more in love than ever... Justin's show was a huge, huge success, he was offered another show in a few months and they were talking about Justin finally coming home so that they can start their life together. At that moment, I felt like fate had stabbed me in the back, because my life was a complete and utter mess! Mel and I were having serious problems – personally, professionally, financially. The move to Canada, in my opinion, was a huge mistake, but it was done. I made my bed and I had to lie in it. I tried to make the best of it for almost two more years afterward, until I finally came to my senses and came home with you to Pittsburgh."

"So that night, at Grams..."

"Everything was fine until they started talking about Justin's show, the success, the acclaim, the offer of another show. And then they started talking about him coming home to Britin... and I just couldn't help myself. I just had to do something to spoil it all, so I did. I mentioned Ethan and I made it sound worse than it was deliberately." She admitted.

"God, mama. How could you hurt Dad like that?" Gus asked, shaking his head.

"I don't know how, Gus. I swear to you it was not premeditated." She said, suddenly agitated again, trying her best to make him believe her. "I wasn't planning on it, it just slipped out because I was frustrated with my own life, jealous of theirs and, at that moment, I didn't care who I hurt, as long as I felt better. I regretted it immediately, especially when Mel jumped in with her own, completely unfounded, utterly fabricated accusations."

"Wow! How did you find out about Ethan? You... we were in Toronto, weren't we?" He asked hopefully, desperate not to have been a part of any of it, even indirectly.

"I was in Toronto with you and JR, but Mel just happened to be in New York for a legal conference that week. She was scheduled to attend it before we moved to Canada. She saw Justin having dinner with Ethan and she told me about it. She knew that nothing happened between them because they left the restaurant separately, took different cabs, went in different directions. Justin never knew she was there. She never looked him up. Mel has never been a fan of Brian's and she very gleefully said 'oh, wouldn't it be nice if Justin got together with Ethan again', or something along those lines. We had a laugh, forgot all about it... until I remembered it at Deb's and blurted it out. I thought that it would make me feel better, about myself, about my situation, but... what happened afterwords... I... I have no words how to describe it, Gus. It was such a mess and I had created it. Did I feel better? No. On the contrary, when Justin left that night, I've never felt worse... Regret doesn't even begin to cover it. Shame, guilt AND regret – I've carried them with me for the past 12 years."

"How in the world did Dad ever forgive you?" Gus asked, incredulous.

"Forgive me? He has never forgiven me! Our relationship has never been the same since."

"But you DO have a relationship..."

"Oh no, sweetheart!" She laughed sadly, "Brian tolerates me in his life only because of you! If you were not a part of the equation, if you weren't his son, for example, our relationship would have died that night too, just as his future with Justin did."

"Have you ever tried to apologize, to make things right? With either or both of them?"

"By the time I came to my senses and gathered my courage to talk to Justin, to make amends, to ask for forgiveness, he has already changed his number and blocked everyone's email address. I tried to reach him at the gallery in New York, but he refused to take the call. He called once to say goodbye to you, once we returned to Toronto, but he absolutely refused to talk to me or listen to anything I had to say. As for Brian, he refused to let me apologize. He threatened to take me to court and get his parental rights back, if I ever mentioned Justin or that night ever again. Mel laughed off his threat, but I saw in his eyes that he wasn't kidding and that it would behoove me to toe the line. I haven't wavered since."

Once she stopped speaking, they fell into a complete silence and sat there either looking at each other or looking out the window and not saying a word. The more he thought about his mother's story, the more he understood why she would always get so upset at the mention of Justin's name – her all-consuming envy, was replaced by crippling guilt. The more he thought about her story and her explanation, the sadder he became and he felt badly on behalf of his entire family, his dad, his mother, himself and Justin included.

Gus looked at the kitchen clock and was surprised that it was barely 10 am that bright Saturday morning, yet, he felt drained and weary to the bone, as if he just finished a full day of some sort of physically demanding job. "Like laying bricks." he thought, "No, more like tearing them down."

They continued to sit in silence, waiting for something...neither of them new what. Gus kept looking at his mother, thinking and then he realized that he was wrong - he knew her after all. And he realized she was wrong too – about herself. Even though he was mad at her and disappointed in her over her involvement with the whole Brian and Justin fiasco, he realized that there has already been enough anger and blame. He realized that what everyone needed now was a little bit of forgiveness, starting with him and his mother.

"Mama..." he said hesitantly.

"Yes?" she answered and her voice suddenly sounded scared and very young, like a girls' and not that of a grown woman in her mid-forties.

"Mama, you are not a failure, you know. And you are not pathetic. Until today, until you told me this story, I've never seen you be selfish with anyone. If you were those things in the past, it sucks, but it's OK. You are human, right? Plus you were a lot younger, aren't you supposed to make stupid mistakes when you are younger?" She gave him a watery smile and nodded, desperately trying not to cry.

"You fucked up big time, no lie, but so did everyone else, including Dad and Justin. But it's been 12 years, mama! We've gotta get these walls down in our family," he smiled, thinking off his 'bricks' analogy, "We've gotta fix this somehow, make things right, don't you think? Then nobody will feel bad, sad, afraid or guilty anymore."

"Oh, sweetheart!" She exclaimed, then fell on him, hugging him so tightly he thought he might suffocate and began to cry like he has never seen or heard her cry before.

Gus called Sunny, very briefly told her of his conversation with his mother and told her that he'll spend the weekend at home, getting to know his mama again. Sunny completely understood and told him she'd see him at school on Monday.

"Gus, wait up!" Sunny caught up with him in the courtyard of the campus. They hugged and kissed in greeting.

"Hey, Sunny, how was gym class?"

"Over and I am SO glad that school is done for today! I have something to tell you, let's sit down." She led him to a bench under a birch tree that was planted years ago in honor of some ancient school official. They dropped their backpacks on the ground and as soon as he sat down he asked, "Well?"

"He's dead, Gus!" Sunny exclaimed somewhat excitedly, which was completely incongruous with what she actually said.

"Who's dead?" He asked, somewhat bewildered.

"Daniel Fletcher."

"Who? Who the fuck is Daniel Fletcher?" he frowned.

"Christ, Gus, you are on this quest to find out what happened between your almost second father and your Dad, yet, you pay no attention! Daniel Fletcher is, or rather was, Justin Taylor's husband. Neither one of them changed their last names after getting married."

"Why are you so fucking happy he's dead? That's kind of awful news, don't you think?"

"I know it's awful and I am not happy that's he's dead, per se. I am just excited that Justin Taylor is single and you can reunite him with your Dad!"

"Sunny, I love you, but that's completely demented! They haven't seen or spoken to each other in 12 years. My father doesn't even speak his name..."

"But he thinks of him. He put him in his will, he kept the house he bought for him, he kept the rings, the drawings, the photographs. He doesn't speak his name because it still hurts. What if he still loves him? If it's really too late to get them back together, fine. But, it's definitely NOT too late for them to talk to each other, apologize maybe, get over the pain. Maybe if he gets some closure, your Dad will be happy again, or happier. Maybe if Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor can talk about the past together and put it behind them, maybe then your entire family can. Everyone will be happy, or at least, happi-ER again. Isn't it what you want that, Gus? Isn't that partly why you started all this?"

"Yeah, yeah, you are right, Sunny. How did Daniel die, by the way, and how did you find out?"

"I did a search online, of course. I just dug a little deeper than your superficial glance at one or two pieces of information right off the top. And Daniel Fletcher, he died in a car accident almost exactly two years ago – some drunk idiot did an illegal right turn and plowed into his taxi. Daniel was killed instantly, the taxi driver died in hospital and the drunk driver walked away. Well, from the accident that is, he's now in prison. The whole thing is really sad. They were married for five years, had a little girl a year after they got married. I'm not sure whether she was adopted or conceived via surrogate – the info on the kid is pretty sketchy, privacy laws and all that. But from the one picture I saw of her online, my money's on a surrogate – she's blond, blue eyed and completely gorgeous. So, I'd say she is Justin Taylor's biological kid. They were a beautiful family and now Justin Taylor is a widower and a single father of a six-year-old girl. From all the research I've done, he hasn't been dating anyone since. At least he was alone at all the gallery and art functions in the last two years."

"Do we have a name?"

"Of the little girl? That's another thing I couldn't find out. So, gorgeous Gus, are we getting them back together for a tête-à-tête, at the very least, or what?"

"This is completely crazy, probably impossible - considering they live in different countries and an ocean apart – and it's also ridiculously romantic! However it turns out in the end, let's do it!"

"Lets do it!" She agreed excitedly and kissed him. Suddenly, she broke off the kiss and with wide eyes asked, "Wait...wait...did you just say you loved me? I got so excited about my idea, I totally missed..."

Gus kissed her again and effectively stopped her suddenly nervous chatter. When the kiss ended, he picked her up under the shoulders, lifted her as high as his arms were able and twirled her around a few times, until she laughed happily. Then he stopped and still holding her up, quietly said as she looked down onto his face:

"Yes, I did. I am in love with you, Rowena Marie North!" Then he shouted, "I am completely and totally in love with you, Sunny, and I am NOT afraid to say it!" He set her down on the ground, slowly sliding her down his body and when her feet touched down again and she was now looking up into his eyes, he asked nervously, "Well...what do you think?"

"Think? I can't think... because I am in love with you too, Gus!" They kissed again, deliriously happy, then broke off and smiled at each other. Then Sunny said, "There was one thing I HAVE been thinking about for a while now..a long while." She took a deep breath and then continued, "I think we should forget prom. I don't want to wait any longer. I am in love with you and I want you... now!"

"Are you sure?" He whispered, his throat suddenly dry.

"I haven't been more certain of anything in my life!" She said sincerely.

"My Dad's out of town. Do you want to go to the loft? It's not too far and no one will be there, guaranteed." Gus asked nervously.

"Oh, yes! Yes, absolutely." She answered with a smile on her face that took his breath away. They grabbed each other by the hand and ran as fast as they could towards Gus's Jeep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 8 – Sunny

It was an incredibly eventful week for Gus. He felt like his whole life had changed, even more so than in the weeks since finding Justin's photographs in Dad's desk. His relationship with his mother felt brand new, like they've reached a new level of understanding. They spent time talking all weekend long and he realized that he has never felt so free and so comfortable to be completely honest with his mother about his life, his thoughts, his hopes and dreams for the future. It seemed that she felt the same way and for the first time in his life she treated him like an adult, rather than her "too-young-to-understand-anything" child.

His relationship with Sunny evolved as well and not just because they finally slept together. They couldn't get enough of each other physically, that was true; but the hours they spent together every afternoon at the loft was almost equally devoted to planning out their future together after graduation, as to lovemaking. They talked about prom, graduation, her 18th birthday coming up in a month, his 18th birthday in August. They talked about going to college together, regardless of where they got in, since half of the universities they applied to were the same. They decided that they would live in the dorms the first year in order to have the "whole college experience" and then would get an apartment together. And, of course, they talked of his family, of everything he learned in the past few weeks about what happened 12 years ago, of his father and of Justin Taylor. They weren't sure how they were going to get those two together face to face to talk. They came up with different scenarios, but soon realized that they wouldn't be able to trick or fool Brian Kinney – it was as impossible to do as to lasso the Moon. They decided to wait until Gus talked to his Dad after he returned from Chicago and based on that conversation they would figure out what to do next. Gus very briefly considered calling Justin in London, but quickly rejected the idea after he realized that he wouldn't know what to say, it seemed that that conversation was also dependent on his talk with Brian.

On Friday morning he met Sunny in the courtyard before class. She beamed at him and said,

"Guess what? I got into Carnegie Mellon." And whipped out the envelope she held behind her back that held her acceptance letter.

"Guess what?" He replied, "So, did I!" Casually getting out his own acceptance from the top pocket of his backpack.

"So, are we staying in the Pitts together?" she asked hopefully.

"Hell, yes! That's the plan, right? To go to college together." He answered, picking her up and twirling her around until they were both dizzy.

"Yes, that's the plan." She answered laughing, when they were both still again. "Hey, my parents want to celebrate. They want to take us out to dinner after school. You game?"

"Sure, as long it's not DiPaggio's." he joked, winking.

~*~*~*~

To Gus, it was the happiest week of his life, but that euphoric feeling came to a screeching halt as soon as Sunny and he walked thought the doors of her parents house. Mr. and Mrs. North were waiting for them and practically fell on their daughter with hugs, kisses and hearty congratulations. Neither Sunny nor Gus understood at first what the hell was going on, since they had known of her acceptance to Carnegie Mellon since the previous evening, but almost immediately things became very clear.

"You got it, Sunny, the Prieze Fellowship! We just got the call. Congratulations!" Mr. North exclaimed.

"My baby, the best in the country! Oh, Sunny, I am so very proud of you!" cried Mrs. North. "Ron, I can't believe our baby is going to London!" she squealed and launched herself on her husband.

The Prieze Fellowship was an extremely prestigious private academic grant awarded by the Prieze Foundation to one American student pursuing studies in economics or finance in England. The grant covered full tuition, room, board, and provided a monthly stipend for all the years of study abroad and the competition to receive the grant was fierce. Sunny told him about applying to the London School of Economics and to the Prieze Fellowship a long time ago, when they first met at the beginning of the school year. She also told him that her chances of getting the grant were 1 in 5,000 – that's how many people applied for the Fellowship every single year.

The stunned look of joy on Sunny's face more than anything else made him realize that their plans for the future now lay in ruin. Gus was happy for her, but absolutely devastated that he would be losing her in just a few short months. While her parents happily hugged, she turned towards him with a huge smile on her face that quickly disappeared when she saw his broken expression.

"Gus..." she walked up to him and reached out with her hands, but he quickly stepped backwards just out of her grasp and asked:

"When did you get in to the school?" he asked in a hollow voice.

"I got the letter from LSE two weeks ago, but, Gus..." but he interrupted her in mid-sentence.

"You don't have to explain. You don't have to say anything. Congratulations, Rae. I'm really happy for you. Really, Rae. That's great...I...congratulations. I just remembered that I promised my mother something...I have to go. I'm sorry. We'll go out...later, OK? I...I'll see you."

Gus turned around and quickly left, his heart squeezing painfully in his chest. He jumped into his Jeep an peeled out of the Norths' driveway. He drove around for close to an hour ignoring his cell phone that rang every ten minutes on the dot. He drove around town not knowing where he wanted to go and somehow ended up in front off his father's loft. He went upstairs and the phone rang again just as he got inside the door. The incessant ringing finally got to him and he answered it with a roaring "WHAT?".

"Gus Peterson-Kinney," Sunny said in an uncharacteristically stern tone of voice, "Don't you dare treat me like that! I don't deserve this, not from you. Where are you?"

"Rae..."

"Oh, I'm Rae now, am I? I've been Sunny to you for months. I was Sunny when you introduced me to your family, to your father. I've been Sunny to you on Monday when you said you loved me. I was Sunny to you when you were inside me. Now you are upset and I'm suddenly Rae? That's bullshit, Gus! If you love me, if you want to be with me you do not, I repeat, YOU DO NOT fucking run at the very first sign of trouble. Now, where the fuck are you, because we are going to talk this through!" She said, her forceful tone of voice left no room for arguments.

"The loft." He answered almost automatically.

"I'll be there in 30 minutes, Gus. Don't leave!" She abruptly hung up and he was left alone with his thoughts.

"Rae..." he thought, crestfallen and shaking his head, "I called her Rae! Fuck! I'm more like Dad then I realized. I didn't even let her explain anything. I just got upset and stormed off. I basically had a major queen-out and I'm not even gay. God, what is wrong with me? Have I learned NOTHING in the last month?" He started pacing in front of the expanse of the floor-to-ceiling windows of the loft, periodically looking at the city skyline and thinking about his Dad and Justin Taylor, and their parting of the ways 12 years ago, as well as about Sunny and him.

~*~*~*~

By the time she called up from downstairs his decision was made. When he opened the loft door and she walked in, he grabbed her hands and said without preamble:

"I am not going to do it!"

"Do what?" she asked surprised.

"Lose you. I'm just not!" He answered vehemently.

"Gus..." Sunny sighed, but before she could continue, he interrupted.

"Do you love me, Sunny? Do you want to be with me? Do you want us to be together?"

"So, it's back to Sunny now, huh?" she was suddenly angry again. She tore her hands from his grasp and throwing her purse on to the nearby couch, began to pace just like he did a few minutes before. He watched her for a couple of minutes, then quietly said:

"Yeah, you'll always be my Sunny."

Then he stopped her, by putting his hands on her shoulders and looking down on to her face. "I'm sorry I acted like such an complete ass; spoiled a pretty important moment for you and in front of your parents too. God, I'm so sorry, Sunny."

"I'm sorry too." She said simply, her anger dissipated as quickly as it came on.

"What the fuck for?"

"For not telling you about the acceptance letter from LSE. The thing is that I NEVER expected to get the Fellowship, it was just such a long shot; and without it LSE was a 'no go'. I simply cannot afford to study abroad without a scholarship of some kind and getting that huge of a student loan would just be stupid. When I got the letter two weeks ago, I thought 'oh, that's nice' and just put it away. When we talked about going to school together earlier this week I meant it, every word! When we talked about staying in the Pitts and going to Carnegie Mellon this very morning, I meant it too. And you know what? Our plans don't have to change. I don't have to go to London. I..."

"Oh, no! You are GOING to London! You are NOT going to turn down a prestigious Fellowship that one, ONE student a year wins. That's an opportunity of a lifetime, Sunny, and you are not going to let it go because of me. Because if you do you will regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life."

"Where have I heard that before?" she frowned.

"Casablanca."

"Jesus, Gus! You are quoting a movie? Now? And even worse, you are saying that I'm Ilsa, fucking Ilsa? That I should go merrily on my way to London-town, whistling a happy tune, while you make the big sacrifice on MY behalf; do the big gesture and let me go, like Bogie? What's next, 'We'll always have Pittsburgh'? Fuck that, Gus!" she exclaimed, agitated once more.

"Rick, the characters' name is Rick. Bogie was...what am I saying? It doesn't fucking matter!" he mumbled to himself.

"Gus!" she said, exasperated, raking her fingers through her hair impatiently. Gus suddenly grabbed her by the shoulders and said:

"Shut up, Sunny! Just, shut up and answer me - do you love me and want us to be together?"

"Yes, I love you! Of course, I want us to be together, though you are seriously trying my patience!"

"Good. Because you are not Ilsa in this scenario – I am!" He said with absolute conviction.

"What?" She asked in confusion.

"Remember what you said about Rick? That if he loved Ilsa, he should have sacrificed on their behalf, for their love and for their future, like SHE wanted to do when she wanted to stay behind with him? Well, that's what I am going to do. I'm going to be Ilsa; but instead of staying behind, I'm going to London with you!"

~*~*~*~

Persistence of Memory

Chapter 9 – Dad

On Saturday morning Gus got a text from Brian, saying that his plane just landed from Chicago. Gus offered to come pick him up from the airport, but Brian suggested they meet up at Britin instead. Gus ran into the kitchen towards his mother who was sitting in the breakfast nook, drinking coffee and reading her customary Arts & Leisure section of the newspaper.

"Mama, Dad's back. I'm going to Britin to talk to him."

She looked at him with an almost fearful expression on her face. "Gus, are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes, mama. I have to." He answered, skillfully hiding his sudden nervousness.

"Good luck, honey. Really, good luck!" She whispered fervently.

"Thanks mama. Don't worry, everything's going to be OK. I promise." He smiled and ran out the door.

The drive to Britin seemed to take no time at all and he arrived there well ahead of his father. He went to the stables to greet the horses and their soft whinnies of appreciation for the apples he brought calmed his rapidly galloping nerves. After about twenty minutes in the stables he went into the house. Brian just got there five minutes before and was in his home office unpacking his briefcase.

"Hey, Sonnyboy!" Brian caught Gus in a bear hug as soon as he walked in, giving the top of his head an affectionate noogie. "Missed you." He mumbled into his ear.

"Missed you too, Dad." Gus spoke into his shoulder, inhaling the familiar scent of cigarettes and Armani cologne. Gus couldn't explain why, but he missed his Dad so much more when he was out of town. There were entire weeks when Brian was so busy with Kinnetik and Babylon, and Gus with school, that they didn't see each other in person at all, even though they were within a half hour or less driving distance from each other, depending on whether Brian stayed at Britin or at the loft. Gus did miss seeing Brian during those times too, but it was nothing like when he was away on travel. Every time Brian came back from a business trip, Gus felt somehow relieved and held on to him for a couple of extra minutes.

They let go of each other and laughed somewhat self-consciously over their obvious sentimentality. Then Brian began to unpack his briefcase and laptop bag again.

"So, I heard you had quite the eventful week, Sonnyboy."

"What?" Gus momentarily panicked, thinking that Brian somehow knew off him sleeping with Sunny. He knew that his Dad wouldn't have any problem with it at all and he normally didn't mind talking to his father about his sex life. However, in the last month he has gotten so much grief over using protection from various members of his family that it was the very last thing he wanted to hear at the moment.

"Carnegie Mellon." Brian explained and Gus sighed inwardly in relief. "Congratulation! Is it still your first choice or are you waiting to hear from other schools?"

"It WAS my first choice. As for waiting...you could say that yes, I am." Gus said evasively, the nerves starting to gallop within him again.

"Explain!" Brian caught a note of 'something'..."Trepidation?" he thought...in Gus's voice and was immediately concerned.

"Sunny won the Prieze Fellowship and got accepted to the London School of Economics. I am going to England with her." Gus explained as calmly as he possibly could.

At first, Brian thought he had misheard, but pretty quickly he realized that middle-age hasn't yet started to affect his hearing and that his extremely ambitious son was, in fact, talking about not going to school.

"WHAT?" Brian roared. "You are ditching your education for some girl?"

All of a sudden, out of absolutely nowhere Gus got a boost of confidence, his apprehension disappearing in an instant.

"She's not just some girl, Dad. I love her!" He declared with absolute conviction. "I'm IN LOVE with her and I will do anything, be anything and say anything to make her happy. And I am not ditching my education..."

"This is your future you are fucking with, Gus!" Brian interrupted angrily. "I like Rae, she's great. She's by far the best girlfriend you've had so far, but you are 17! You are too young to make these kind of life-changing decisions! I will not allow it!"

"Won't allow it?" Gus let out a short, derisive laugh. "What exactly are you going to to, Dad? Force me to go to college? How? When I turn 18 in August, I'll be a legal adult and you won't be able to do shit!"

"I can't believe Rae would convince you to do something this idiotic! I thought better of her. Running off to England at 18 because you think you are in love? It isn't worth it, Gus..."

That comment made Gus so mad, he thought his head would explode and he broke out in an angry torrent of words that he didn't think he could stop.

"I don't think that I am in love – I KNOW that I am! She's everything to me, Dad, everything! I am not going to lose her when there are other options, when there's a compromise. And she didn't convince me of anything, it was MY decision. Actually it was ours. We had our first fight, you know? A bad one. I acted just like you – called her Rae instead of Sunny, wouldn't let her explain anything, wouldn't listen, stormed off. But she came after me, called me on all my bullshit and we talked things through. We figured things out together, Dad, better than some adults I know." He took a ragged breath and continued speaking as if his life depended on it. "She didn't want me to go to London with her at first. She even suggested staying here herself, but I wouldn't let her. That Fellowship is an opportunity of a lifetime for her, something I would never begrudge. But neither one of us wanted to lose each other, so we compromised. I will defer my admission to Carnegie for a year and go to England with her. I have four months until we leave for London to find an internship, unpaid if need be, and a part time job, if necessary. And while there, I will apply to as many schools in England as I can and hopefully get in somewhere next year. This way even if we aren't in London together, at least we'll be in the same country – a bus or a train ride away, not an ocean apart for four years. If I don't get in anywhere, we decided that I'll come home and start school next fall at Carnegie. We decided not to worry about that until that happens. Hopefully, we won't have to worry about it at all."

"What about all your dreams, Gus, your ambitions. I am not saying there aren't any good schools in England, there are plenty, but none of them were part of your plan, part of your dream. You talked about going to Carnegie Mellon since you were a kid, now you are throwing it away for Rae? You are letting go of your opportunity of a lifetime for hers?"

"Dreams change, Dad, so do plans. I still want to study International Business and advertising, that's still part of my plan and I will get there eventually, have no doubt about that, Dad. I am just altering my plan a little bit, because Carnegie Mellon is not my opportunity of a lifetime, SHE is!"

"You are taking quite a gamble here Gus." Brian said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"Why? Because I am essentially taking a year off, postponing going to school for a little bit? Lots of people do that. Three of my friends are doing exactly that – two are joining the peace corps for two years, one is taking an entire year off to backpack through Europe."

"What if you break up. What then?"

"Like I said, I'll come home and Carnegie will still be here. I am only deferring my admission, Dad, not declining it all together. We may be young, but Sunny and I aren't stupid. Both of us know how important education is, but we love each other and we want to give this a real shot, to see if this is more than just high-school infatuation, though Sunny and I are absolutely certain that it's not. So we compromised..."

"Compromised?" Now it was Brian's turn to laugh. "How? It sounds like you are giving up a hell of a lot to be with Rae, while she isn't giving up anything."

"Oh, yes, she is. She's giving up living in student housing, being with other 18-year-old first-years, being on her own, being single. We decided to save money by getting an apartment together right away, rather than waiting a year or two to live together as we originally planned to do here in the Pitts."

"Oh, my fucking God! My not-yet-18-year-old is talking about shacking up with his teenage girlfriend in domestic bliss! What is this, punishment for my many transgressions?" He said sarcastically, looking up into the ceiling as if talking to a deity above. Then looking straight at Gus he exclaimed, "You don't know what the fuck you are doing! You are too young to know what you want, who you love..."

"Punishment?" Gus interrupted, almost screaming, "Oh, that's rich, Dad! I heard rumors that once upon a time YOU 'shacked up' with someone when he was not-quite-yet-18. As for me not knowing what I want – bullshit! Fucking bullshit, Dad! You knew what you wanted out of life long before you were 17. Uncle Mike told me that you had a goal and a plan on how to achieve it by the time you were 15 years old. You did exactly as you wanted – EXACTLY – and succeeded without anyone's help! Why can't I do the same? Why is my choosing to include Sunny in my life and in my future, makes me suddenly incompetent to decide for myself? And what in God's name is wrong with 'domestic bliss', huh? I know there aren't a lot of teenagers my age who want to 'shack up', as you say, with their girlfriend, but THAT'S. WHAT. I. WANT! I am not going to apologize for it and I am not going to let her go, without giving her my all, without giving us a shot. I'd rather risk it all for her and for us – no excuses, no apologies and no regrets – than wonder for the rest of my life what might have been. If it doesn't work out and we break up – fine, so be it! But, at least I won't live the rest of my life wallowing in memories and wondering 'what if'. And don't even start talking to me about love, Dad! You are clearly not an expert here! Justin, though, now he knew how to love at fucking 17!"

"I am not going to talk about him!" Brian said before Gus could continue. He was rather staggered by his son's impassioned, furious speech, but nothing surprised him more than Gus throwing his own old motto in his face, completely for his own devices.

"Oh, yes you are, Dad! I've had enough secrets. By the way, HIS name is Justin, Dad, Justin Taylor and by all accounts he was the love of your miserable life!" Gus continued shouting, his anger uncontrollably rising. "He fell in love with you when he was my age – my age, damn it - and he went after you again, and again, and again, for years until you finally told him you loved him. Five years, Dad? It took you five fucking years? I'm sorry, Dad, but when given the choice between him and you, I'll take a page out his book any day and love Sunny, with my entire being for as long as I possibly can and fight for us until I can't fight any longer. Like Justin loved you since he was 17 and like he fought for you until that night 12 years ago. You finally had everything, or almost, yet, in the end you still managed to fuck it up!"

"How do you know about all this?" Brian whispered harshly. If he was surprised before, his astonishment now was beyond compare.

"I talked to Grams, uncle Mike, Em and mama. I was tired of being told I was too young. I wanted to know the truth, Dad. I wanted to know why someone I loved like another father just disappeared from my life one day and everyone in the family treated the subject like it was some tragic secret, like it was taboo. When I finally found out everything, I realized that I AM dead tired of having a family that tip toes around each other, that is afraid to get together for the holidays; that is afraid to fight with each other, like any normal family does. I am tired of having several birthday dinners, instead of just one. I want to have breakfast at the Liberty Diner all together. I want to have Sunday dinners at Grams' with the entire family there. I want you to stop punishing mama for being jealous and selfish, and all too fucking human, over a decade ago. I want you to stop doing the same to uncle Mike. I want to have one, ONE, graduation party, Dad. At my wedding reception, I want a family that's happy to be together and not walking around Britin like they are on eggshells..."

"Oh, God! Rae's not pregnant is she?" Brian's face immediately paled and he looked at Gus in actual fear.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, will it ever end!" Gus screamed and twisted his fingers in his hair in utter frustration. When he violently jerked them away, there were several auburn stands clinging to his fingers. "If Sunny was pregnant, do you really think we'd be talking of going to fucking London in a few months time? Seriously, Dad!"

"Shit! Sorry, Sonnyboy...but you mention the word 'wedding' at 17 and my mind immediately goes into a dark place." He said in chagrin, as color flooded back to his face so quickly that it looked like he was blushing furiously.

"As a matter of fact, Sunny and I did talk about getting married..." Gus paused for a few seconds for effect, in order to thoroughly enjoy watching the color drain from his father's face yet again and to a see look utter terror replace a previous slightly embarrassed expression. "but later, after college." He finished his sentence with relish and chuckled when he heard Brian slowly release a lung-full of air he didn't know he held. Gus, however, wasn't quite done torturing his father yet.

"We also talked about having kids – we want two. Yes, Dad, Sunny and I want to give you grandchildren! Oh, the horror, I know!" He added sarcastically. "Speaking of grandchildren, Dad, when someday in the far-away future I do have kids, I want them to grow up with my entire family around them – birthdays, holidays, school plays, sports meets, dance recitals, math competitions, band concerts, whatever-the-fuck they end up doing – I want EVERYONE to be there together, unlike when I was growing up. I want everyone to get the fuck over something that happened 12 years ago. I want my family to forgive and forget and be easy with each other again. But you know what I want most of all, Dad? I want you to be happy and I don't want you to be alone, and I believe that neither one will happen until you talk to Justin face-to-face and let go of the past."

"We are not talking about me or about Justin, Gus. We are talking about you and your wanting to.."

"I am going to London with Sunny, Dad. I am going with her whether you like it or not, end of discussion!" Gus said forcefully.

Brian's eyebrows rose into his hairline at those words and he suddenly remembered the night he met Justin and his "I'm going with him!" declaration. The parallels were unmistakeable and for a minute he was at a loss for words. But then, he looked at his son and all of a sudden saw an adult, rather than a young man on the brink of adulthood and he was immensely proud of him.

"End of discussion, huh?" He said with a small smile.

"About London, yes. About you and Justin, no."

"Gus..."

"What happened that night, Dad?" Gus pleaded. "You weren't exactly a saint yourself, yet, when it comes to that argument - which in my opinion was just one big fucking queen-out between all of you idiots – you keep everyone to a higher standard. I know you were hurt, Dad, but what uncle Mike said to Justin was beyond wrong and you did nothing. Why?"

Brian suddenly relented and decided to explain his side of the whole sordid story to his suddenly very grown up son. He hoped Gus would understand, even though there were times when even he didn't understand it all completely. He started speaking and couldn't stop, the words tumbling out his mouth almost of their own volition.

"I don't know why. I froze, completely froze. The first time Mikey said something like that, we were at the munchers' party... Justin came with his new boyfriend, Ethan. Mikey got upset on my behalf and shot his mouth off; thankfully no one heard him, but me. I wanted Mikey to just shut the fuck up, but he kept talking until he said something about Justin dying and I went a little nuts, slugged him. I was just so afraid that Justin would hear him, that I caught his jaw with a right hook so hard he went down. Mikey said essentially the same thing at Deb's 12 years ago. Except this time everyone heard him, including Justin...and I...to this day I don't know why I couldn't move, or think, or speak. I couldn't do anything, I could hardly breathe." Brian was now talking so softly that Gus stepped a few feet closer in order to hear better. His dad didn't notice him move, it looked like he was just as lost in the past as were the rest of the family when they told him of that night.

"I was staring at him" Brian continued, "and then he lost all color from his face and he looked just like he did in the ambulance on the way to the hospital after the bashing...well, without all the blood all over him, of course...but his face was that lifeless and I was suddenly back there in that damned ambulance, in that fucking hospital...but, then he moaned and I for some reason I thought 'thank God, he's alive'. Except he started spouting off some garbage about being dead to me, to the family and that's when I unfroze and got pissed off again. I kept thinking how could he say anything, ANYTHING at all to me about being dead, after what I went through? How could he think even for a minute, a moment, a fucking nano-second, that I would actually wish it, or agree with Michael? How could he think that I was pretending? I don't DO pretense; I never have. Denial, yes, I admit that, but never pretense. I DID change, but not just for him – for me and for us. I wanted to fucking change. Maybe at first I overdid it a little, but that's because we were still figuring things out...at least I was. By the end of that year apart, as hard and as frustrating as it was, we've somehow managed to get everything on an even keel, more or less. We were finding our groove, our stride, our balance...and then he just dismissed it all in a second because of a bunch of stupid lies. After I unfroze I got so pissed off, all I could think was 'after everything we've been though, how could he believe Mel or Lindsey, or Mikey or any of them?'. I kept saying to myself that he should have believed me and believed IN me, in us. How could he just dismiss everything just because we were all too fucking shocked to even react after what Mikey said! He dismissed me and us, and said that he was just done. I was too angry to see straight, so I shot my mouth off too, told him to go to hell..." Brian's voice trailed off and he fell silent.

"Dad, why didn't you do something after. Why didn't you go after him later, after all the dust had settled, all the smoke had cleared. Why didn't you go after him?" Brian snapped back to the present and looked at Gus sharply.

"Because I do go after anyone, or so I thought." A choked kind of a laugh escaped his throat; it was not at all an amused sound. "That was my rule, my principle. I've already broken way too many of my own rules for Justin and at that point I was too angry to add another one to the list. He wanted to leave, so I let him."

"You didn't have to break any rules, Dad. You just had to bend them a little, but you still didn't go after him...for what? To keep your pride? To be alone in this house, like …..like Miss fucking Havisham?"

"Miss Havisham? My, aren't we literary..."

"Dad, stop with the sarcasm already, please!" Gus implored. "Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?"

"I'm not alone." his father denied vehemently. "I have you, Mickey, Auntie Em, the rest of the family..."

"Yeah...and each of them has someone they can talk to at night and wake up with in the morning, someone who loves them more than just as a friend..."

"I don't see Em shacked up with anyone."

"No, he hasn't found his version of Justin yet, but he's trying, Dad! He puts himself out there time and time again and someday he'll meet the love of his life too. You don't even try! You don't date, you haven't had a boyfriend since Justin!" Gus was so frustrated, he wanted to shake some sense into his father.

"I don't need one, Gus! When I need someone, there's always someone available and without any messy complications. I am just not built for relationships."

"Bullshit, Dad! OK, maybe you aren't built for relationships, plural. But you sure as hell were built for ONE of them. That's what everybody says. That's what the pictures that you keep hidden in your office say. That's what I remember from when I was too little to understand anything, but I felt it. You loved each other once, maybe you still do. And even if you don't, you need to see him, Dad. You need to talk to him, apologize to each other, forgive each other, so that you can forgive the family and they can forgive each other too. Then you'll be happy again."

"I am not unhappy, Gus. I am fine, content even. I have you, I have work that I love, a home – two, actually. I am not some pathetic queer who needs a man to complete him, Gus. I never have been and I never will be."

"No one is saying that you need a man to complete you Dad, least of all me. And yes, there are times when you are very happy, but they are rare. But I have never, never seen you as happy as you were when you were with Justin. I've looked though every single picture that I have of you – I have hundreds, by the way – you are smiling and you look happy in a lot of them, but your eyes are always sad, Dad. Always. They weren't sad in those pictures of you and Justin in your desk. You haven't let go of that night - it's still hurting you; like it's still hurting the rest of our family. All those things I talked about before – my high-school graduation, my college one, my wedding someday, birthday parties, Thanksgivings, Christmases – all that schmaltzy bullshit, Dad, I want to have it ALL and to celebrate it all with my entire family. None of that will happen without you talking to Justin and letting go of the past. If you can't do this for yourself, can you please do this for me?" He pleaded.

"I can't, Sonnyboy...I just can't see him." Brian said quietly.

"Why the fuck not?" Gus exclaimed.

"Because he's married!" Brian shouted angrily. "He's married! He's happy, Gus. Happy! That's all I've ever wanted for him and could never give him. I will NOT interfere with his life. He's..."

"He's a widower..." Gus said quietly.

"What?" Brain felt as if he was suddenly doused with cold water, instantly cooling his anger and agitation.

"Daniel Fletcher died in a car crash two years ago. Justin is a single dad and he's alone, like you." Gus continued in the same, quiet, almost soothing tone.

"Two years ago? Single dad?" Brian whispered in disbelief.

"They had a little girl. Wait...how do you know he's married? Who told you?"

"No one." Brian admitted without thinking.

"You were checking up on him, weren't you? Why didn't you just go after him?" Then he looked at his father's stricken expression and understood. "You did...you went after him, didn't you? When?"

"Not soon enough..." Brian sighed and raked his fingers through his hair. "I didn't speak to anyone in the family for about six months. I basically threw myself into work after that night and I was so busy that I didn't even notice that seasons had changed. Then Ben ended up in the hospital. It was something fairly minor, but Mikey was convinced he was losing Ben. Debbie came by Kinnetik and begged me in tears to at least sit next to him at the hospital for just a few minutes. She was afraid that otherwise he'll end up in the psych ward – he was that freaked out. So, I did. After that, I slowly started speaking to everyone one by one, little by little. I tried not to think about that night at all, but eventually I couldn't help, but think. It took a couple of years for me to get my head out of my ass. So, I looked him up, went to London. I saw him leave his apartment with some guy and get into a cab. They were laughing about something and Justin looked so happy, so carefree, you know. Happy and carefree..." He sighed again, then continued. "I wanted to call out to him, but then I remembered his face devoid of any color, looking almost dead, right before he said he was done with me that night at Deb's... and I just couldn't do it. I couldn't spoil his happiness, Sonnyboy. So, I left. Every six months or so, I'd Google him or the gallery, to see what was going on in his life. Seven years ago I found out he got married. I got drunk, threw my computer against the wall, trashed my office and when I sobered up I decided to stop Googling him from then on. I went to the diner and toasted his happiness from across the ocean with a cup of black coffee."

"You should've been with Emmett, at least you'd have had champagne." Gus said sadly.

"What?"

"Auntie Em toasted him with a bottle of champagne and then cried because he wasn't toasting the two of you."

"Auntie Em cried...That's not at all surprising." Brian laughed softly.

"If you could forgive uncle Mike's words, why can't you forgive Justin, Dad?" Gus asked, going back to that night.

"It's not about forgiving Justin. Twelve years is a long time to think, Sonnyboy, over time I pretty much realized that there was nothing to forgive, not much anyway. We both screwed up; we both let stupid things like pride, stubbornness, mistrust and anger get in the way and we let outside forces destroy our relationship. If that required my forgiveness then he had it a long time ago. I just didn't realize it until it was way too late."

"What about the family?"

"They shouldn't have interfered, that's true. It's especially true of Mel and your mother. It's also true that I refused to discuss Justin or that night with anyone. I told them not to mention it to ME. I never said they weren't allowed to talk about it or him amongst each other. That was entirely their decision. Truth be told, for the longest time I didn't even realize that the family was fractured somehow. When I finally figured it out, it seemed too late to do anything about it and it was just plain easier for me to leave it the hell alone. It was selfish of me, I know. But, I had no idea you would even notice, Sonnyboy, or that it would affect you at all."

"I may have been just a kid, but I've never been stupid, Dad. Of course, I noticed, but no one would explain anything to me and everyone got upset when I asked...so eventually, I stopped asking too."

"I am sorry, Sonnyboy, you shouldn't have been dragged into my mess." Brian said sincerely.

"Don't apologize, Dad. I'd rather you DO something about it." He paused for a minute, thinking, then continued, "You still love Justin, don't you, Dad?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it still hurts. If you didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt anymore. If he was unimportant you wouldn't keep him close to you in pictures and drawings. You wouldn't have kept the house that is way too big for one person...and is in – gasp – the suburbs." Gus tried to joke to alleviate the tension and the sadness, but it fell a little bit flat.

"I told you, I bought the house for him."

"Yeah, and you LIVE in it. You love him, Dad. I can tell. You love him like I love Sunny." At that point Brian laughed. "Don't laugh, Dad, I am dead serious. You need to go to London and make up with him. He's single, you are single – so what's the problem?" Brian started to laugh again and laughed until tears appeared in his eyes.

"Oh, to be this young and stupidly idealistic again!" he exclaimed still laughing and rifled through Gus's hair, affectionately, "Actually, I don't think I've ever been this idealistic." Then his laughter died, he sighed and said, "It's been 12 years, Gus..."

"I don't think it's too late for you guys, if you really love each other. But, if it turns out to be too late, you still need to face him Dad, so that you can apologize for your part, tell him you forgive him for his and move on... and fucking start dating somebody for real, Dad!" Brian laughed again and gave Gus a quick, hard hug.

"I have a fucking amazing kid!" he thought, "The best in the world. So, maybe I should listen to him. Why the hell not..." he laughed again. "OK." Brian said as he released him.

"OK?" Gus screamed excitedly. "You'll go to London? You'll talk to him? When? When are you going?"

"Soon, Sonnyboy. I promise you, it'll be soon. But, there are a few very important things I need to take care of right here first." he picked up his cell, found a number and pressed the call button, switching it to speaker. He pressed a finger to his lips, asking Gus to be quiet. Gus nodded and watched his father curiously.

"Hi, Deb. It's Brian." He said when the line picked up. "This Sunday, tomorrow, family dinner, invite everyone!" He ordered.

Gus couldn't hear anything at first, but then the silence was broken by Deb's unmistakeable screech "EVERYONE?"

"Yes, Deb, everyone. You heard Sonnyboy got into Carnegie Mellon, right? Well, he, in his infinite wisdom, decided to postpone going to school for a year so that he can go to London with Rae. He thinks he's got it all figured out, the little shit! I think the entire family needs to get together to tell him..." he paused, looking at Gus's suddenly mutinous expression, then smiling wickedly continued, "to tell him what a completely crazy, not to mention ridiculously romantic and totally brave idea that is!" Gus's ecstatic smile lit up his entire face at those words making Brian realize that he was, in fact, doing the right thing.

There was silence on the other line again and then a hesitant "You are letting him go to London with Rae?"

"Yeah, Deb, I am. I can't stop him, so I'd rather support the two of them instead and I want the family to do the same. So, make sure everyone's there for dinner. Tell them I said it's non-negotiable. It's not just about London, we need to plan his high school graduation party, so we can celebrate it properly; meaning as a family, Deb, all together."

There was silence on the line again and then both Gus and Brian heard Deb weeping. It seemed she couldn't answer for a couple of minutes, then they heard tissues rustling, a nose blowing, a couple of hiccups and then she said in a wavering, overcome with emotion, very un-Deb-like voice:

"I'll call them, I'll call them right now! I'll make lasagna, tons of it. I know it's your favorite. Gus's too. I'll...I'll..." Brian laughed again, sounding happier and more carefree than he has in years.

"Deb, don't worry about it too much. Just get everyone together. We'll ALL figure out the rest."

At that point, Gus felt indescribably happy and all he could think of was, "YES!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*v~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Persistence of Memory

Epilogue

Early August 2018...

Justin's focus was suddenly shattered by a loud bang from the outside. He looked out the window and saw a moving truck – apparently the new owners of the house next door have finally arrived. The real estate sign said "SOLD" for a month without any sign of the new neighbors. Justin went back to his painting, trying his best to ignore the noise. Half an hour later he gave up; there was no telling how long the movers will be rattling around, wrecking havoc with his concentration. He checked on his daughter, who was at the tail end of "The Lion King", her favorite movie of all time, completely undisturbed by the commotion.

"You hungry?" She shook her head 'no' in answer, still enthralled by Simba's adventures on the screen. Justin smiled in amazement at how much his daughter reminded him of himself as a kid. He wore out his old tape of "Yellow Submarine" by watching it hundreds of times throughout his childhood, adolescence and even into adulthood. He remembered being just as captivated by it each time he watched it, as he was when he saw it for the very first time.

Justin didn't want to have lunch without his little girl – they always took meals together when she was on holiday – but he did feel like having a snack. He went into the kitchen to root around for something small that would take the edge off his hunger. He spied a bowl of glossy green apples on the counter. "Perfect!" he thought. He picked out the biggest and the glossiest one, and took it to the sink for a quick rinse.

He looked out the window above the sink and realized that the moving truck was pulling out of the street already. "Well, that was fast!" he wondered, surprised, "Half and hour?" When Daniel and he bought this row house four years ago, it took the movers over five ours to move in all their shit and they had to come back the next day to move in Daniel's baby grand piano separately. That alone took a couple of hours. He took a bite of the apple and decided to investigate.

"I am going next door for a few minutes. I'll be right back, but shout, if you need me." He yelled towards the living room.

"OK, Daddy!" She answered.

Justin stepped outside smiling. "She'll probably forget what I said in about 30 seconds and will be frantically looking for me when the movie is over." he thought affectionately. He went outside and down the short flight of stairs that led from the front door to their postage stamp sized front yard. He noticed a figure standing with his back towards him, leaning slightly down and trying to remove the real estate sign from the fence. "Must be the neighbor. I guess there's no time like the present to say hello." Justin decided.

Their front yard was almost non-existent, only a small patch of grass barely five feet wide separated his front steps and the waist-high fence with the fanciful, decorative gate that led to the sidewalk. He swallowed the bite of the apple as he walked through the gate and stepped onto the pavement. He was about to speak, when the figure suddenly straightened out, swiftly turning around. Justin's throat went instantly dry and the apple fell out of his hand unnoticed, as he looked at a face he hasn't seen in twelve years - a face he couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried; a face that was as beautiful as ever; a face that could still make his heart skip a beat, make his pulse race and render him utterly speechless. They stared at each other motionless and silent for several long minutes, then Justin finally cleared his throat and whispered with difficulty:

"What are you doing here?"

"Moving in." Brian replied simply.

"YOU bought the house next door?" Justin was floored.

"Yes." Brian answered, laconic as ever.

"Did you know I lived here?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why would you do this?" Justin asked, his voice rough; he was both afraid and strangely excited to hear the answer.

"Why? Because I regret how things ended. Because I am sorry, so sorry for letting you go that night, again. Because I want your forgiveness for letting you down. Because I regret not fighting for us more than I can say. Because I couldn't forget you, although I've tried. Because I still miss you, even after a dozen years. Because I want to be with you and if that's not possible, than I want to be near you. Because I want to fix what was broken between us and get another chance with you, whatever it might entail – a friendship, or a new relationship. Because, although I shouldn't, I dare to hope for much, much more than just that. Because as long as you are in my life, somehow, it is worth living. Because I still want you, desperately. Because I still love you, insanely, and the inescapable fact is that I always will..."

"What about Kin...your company?" Justin's voice rose at Brian's uncharacteristic, 'let it all hang out' revelation, that sounded completely heartfelt.

"I sold Kinnetik...and the club, and the loft. Sold them all for a fucking mint too!" He added proudly, with a self-satisfied smirk. "I never have to work again, if I don't want to. But I am thinking that being an independent consultant to various ad and PR agencies wouldn't be a bad way to pass the time once in a while."

"You SOLD... everything?" Justin's astonished voice rose an entire octave.

"Well, I kept Britin..." Brian answered and noticed an involuntary flinch mar the expression on Justin's face at the mention of the house.

"You sold ALMOST everything, you bought a house next to mine and moved across the ocean, to London without knowing what my answer would be?"

"Yes."

"Oh, God...you are unbelievable! It's been twelve years, don't you think it's way too late for us Br...?" Justin abruptly cut himself off.

"Why won't you say my name, Justin? I want you to look me in the eyes and say MY NAME when you tell me it's too late for us! Say it, Sunshine! Say 'It's too late for us, Brian.'" He commanded, noticing another small flinch when Justin heard his old familiar nickname issue forth from his lips.

"It's too late..."

"Daddy!" A high pitched, excited voice interrupted him mid-sentence. "There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you!"

Brian saw a blond, blue eyed angel of about six, with a smile to rival even that of her father's, step out onto the front steps of the row house, swiftly run down, then skip all the way to Justin's side. She took his hand in hers and finally noticed Brian standing in front of Justin. She looked at him curiously and smiled even wider in welcome.

"Hello! Are you our new neighbor? How do you do?" She said in a surprisingly cultured voice for someone so young. Brian couldn't help but smile in return. "That WASP-y upbringing rears its ugly...or rather, completely adorable head in a new generation." he thought, thoroughly charmed. He was about to respond, when Justin spoke softly, looking down at his daughter.

"Sunshine, I'd like you to meet an old friend of mine from Pittsburgh, Mr. Kinney. And yes, he is our new neighbor." Then he looked up straight into Brian's hazel eyes, smiled somewhat hesitantly and said, "Brian..." his voice hitched when he said the name, but after a briefest of pauses he continued in a suddenly strong and clear voice,

"Brian, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Keeley Hope Taylor."

"Keeley is Irish, Mr. Kinney." She said proudly, "It means 'brave warrior'!"

"Does it?" He smiled at her and then looked at Justin, who suddenly graced him with a sunshine smile that he remembered so well. "And are you?" He asked, looking back at the little girl.

"Yes, sir! Absolutely!" She answered in a surprisingly adult-like manner, full of total self-confidence and bravado.

Brian looked back at Justin, amusement coloring his face, his eye-brow raised in question. Justin smiled widely again and laughed:

"Well, with me as her father, she'd have to be."

~*~*~*~ The End ~*~*~*~