*sighs for the xxxth time*

I can't stop reading! I am so fucking tired! (sorry... *gg*) But I have to read one more chapter... Thank god it's sunday today and I'll be able to sleep as long as I want!

Author's Response:

*laughs a little because I've been there*. Don't worry -- you can get to sleep and the whole story will be waiting for you! 

I love knowing you like it so much though! :)

yes post your stand alone. i'll read anything you write.

omg. where to begin. it was hot, it was tender. brian needed to let someone have control. who better than justin.

i want this to go on forever.

Author's Response:

*smiles, honored!* 

Aww, thanks so much! I just posted the standalone! Hope you'll like it!

And maybe this will be good news. A lot of the time I feel like this fic will go on forever! :)

***Thanks you!!***

Okay...

*coughs*

I need a refrigirator, a cigarette, ice-cubes... something like that! FRESH AIR!

*gasps*

And you're absolutely fucking right! Of course there was a plot!!! *nods* Nice plot! *coughs again* But *whispers* the porn was much better... *ggggggggg*

And why the hell are here just 10 points to rate this story, huh? I need 12! 15! Maybe 20 after this chapter!! *gggg*

Author's Response:

For some reason I'm just finding this one -- I'm so sorry for the delay! 

Anyway -- you're so sweet and I love your reviews! :) 

Phewwwww...

*coughs*

Have to go on reading... *runs for the next chapter*

I am definitely enjoying this story.  It's a different take and to me it does have a sense of being believable.  Keep those chapters coming!

Author's Response:

A new reviewer!! Woo-hoo! 

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to review! The next chapter's going a tiny bit slow but it'll be out soon! I hope you'll continue to enjoy the story!!!! :) :)

Ok, someone was in a mood.  *wicked smile*  Now I'm in a mood!  lol  That was unbelievably hot!  A nice break from all the angst. (though I love me angst!)

I wonder now that Brian has come to the understanding that it wasn't his fault, that he did deserve love, will he go into a mourning process? He was in denial, now that he's not any more will he be angry at his parents? AT all the wrongs done to him in the past?  Before he was just accepting of what happened to him thinking he deserved it some how, now he knows better.  I'm curious to see how he deals with his newfound revelation. 

Oh, and I LOVED Good Will Hunting!  And that scene..

 

 

Author's Response:

*giggles!* 

Okay...there MAY have been a mood involved. *doesn't see how she can totally deny that* 

However, bound!Brian is something I've sort of had... "on the horizon" of the story since... probably since the "About Me" chapter if not before. I'll go more into supporting that idea within the story (or story notes. Or a dissertation. Or something!) but suffice to say that there are several reasons for that choice. :)

I'm totally, genuinely amazed that my sex scenes (chapters) are so well - received; I don't care for them much for myself, though I'm very glad others do! 

You have a really interesting idea -- whether he'll be grieving. I've given this some thought, and I think it will involve some of these reactions, but there are also so many (*so many*) other issues, one in particular that I really wanted to deal with first -- that I doubt he'll be getting to "anger" for at least a chapter or two.

*thought referencing that scene would give people a visual of the same sort of emotional situation*  :)

Thanks so much for the review!

 

Oh. My. God.  Wow that was hot!

But like everything else with these two the actions are also conveying their emotions as well, the silent communication that is Brian & Justin. You did a fantastic job expressing Brian's emotional state at the very beginning and it makes complete sense that he would want (and Justin would want to give him) the caring and tenderness he missed in childhood and denied himself as an adult. Beautifully written.

And did I mention the sex was HOT? ;-)

 

 

Author's Response:

Oh, thanks so much!! I personally dislike my own sex scenes (or is that more accurately "sex chapters"?) and end up wondering how much I'm really capturing what I wanted to. And now I'm feeling way better because you make me think that I did. And the fact that it was hot is like the icing on the cake! ;) (or the honey on... never mind!!! lol!)

:) 

First comment - I always enjoy your fics, so please do post.

Second comment - it's believeable that Brian would just want to feel and not talk, and that Justin would support it.

Last comment - it's B/J, so scenes with minimal plot and maximum other stuff are always appreciated.  That was touching & hot.

Great writing.

Author's Response:

1. Thank you! I just posted because people were enthusiastic. :)

2. I'm glad it is. I would've posted it either way b/c I think it's what Brian needs, but knowing that it flows for readers too, in the story, is wonderful so thank you! 

3. *grin* True... Glad you enjoyed it! 

 

Thanks so much as always!! 

Wonderfully...HOT...  I'll have you know I had to pull my head out of the freezer to write this..lol.... I think you handled Brian's reaction to the session perfectly...  It's only natural that he would feel empty and drained after spilling his "guts" out to the Dr... I love the whole chapter by my favorite line was when Brian said.."Do anything you want with me, Justin..I trust you"..  I absolutely would love to read the Debbie stand alone...and anything else you may have written......

Author's Response:

*big smile* :) It's really a relief that the post-session seemed realistic. It was difficult to write -- I mean, when there's no words for a feeling, writing that for an extended amount of time kinda sucks. So I'm glad I pulled it off somehow! 

That's my favorite line, too... That and "I want this forever." :)

Thansks so much -- just posted the standalone! :)

Wow... It's really hard to breathe while reading this chapter. Poor Brian! It's much harder for him, to be caught in this terrible memories. And I am glad that he got the card of the doc. But I am not sure if he'll call him when he needs help...

Author's Response:

I love that you're wrapped up in the scene that way and thinking about it! I love that; those are the best reviews! 

You'll have to see what Brian will do -- asking for help certainly isn't his strength. 

Thank you SO MUCH for reviewing!!!!!!!!!! **happy, happy smile!**

Cold shower over I can comment now :)

That was hot and very believable, but I don't think you'd be surrised that I'd think that Brian would benefit from being dominated a little ;)

I can understand Brian's reluctance to speaking about what happened at the doctors office, that was still too fresh, too raw.

I would love to read that stand alone fic with Debbie, sounds interesting.

Great chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next session with Dr. Stevenson.

Author's Response:

**big smile thinking of Moon and Master!**  Yeah, I figured I'd have a least one submissive!Brian fan!! 

*amazed that people liked the sex scene. er, I mean, 80% of the chapter*

I just posted the standalone, in part b/c Chapter 27 is going a little slow. I hope you'll like it. :)

Thanks for the support!

Insightful and hot : ) (If I say that MAS is not the only fic I'm obsessed with now, hope you'll know how much I love this) *can make short comments when she tries*

Author's Response:

Oh my god *being compared at all to MAS is like the greatest compliment ever* 

*ready to die now* 

Thank you! 

 

*may have an email heading your way on this subject*

I love this story because it really explains depression caused by past experiences.

You are truly a gifted writer. Please keep up with the story and I hope you do more stories here.

Brian and Justin do need to be together. I also see Justin needing help for his bashing problems.

Thanks!

Have a nice September!

Debbie

Author's Response:

Awww, thanks so much! 

I'm glad you like the way that I tried to make depression come in realistically. Especially given the state of Brian's self esteem, it seems inevitable to me. 

I've been thinking about Justin a little and whether this will bring up anything for him. I don't know -- one, if it will happen naturally in the story (maybe, maybe not). Two, I don't think I'd be the right person to write for Justin. I just don't feel like I have the requisite amount of insight into his character (I love him, but I just don't think I "get" him like I should to write in a similar way about him). 

 

Thanks so much for your very kind comments and for reading!  :) 

*is not sure she's looking forward to September. Mixed bag. Back to work :(, but family visiting :) and moving to better apartment :). Thanks though! :)

boy of boy does he ever deserve love. justin's, gus' everyones.

i am speechless. it was so good.

 i love dr. stevenson. he's putting our man on the right track to happiness and love. i hope he believes what he's telling himself.

Author's Response:

*loves your Brian focus!* You're so right... I just love Brian, and I want all of this for him so much.

 

*loves the speechlessness* 

 

Thank you so very much for your comments and support here, and throughout the story. :)!

Two thumbs up for Dr. Stevenson!!!!!..Thank God he is the only person that has been able to break through Brian's.... carved in stone.. mental block about not deserving love.... He finally made Brian realize that Jack and Joanie were incapable of loving ANYONE....  I personally don't think... that either of them could even stand themselves.. or each other..... 

 

Author's Response:

I think you're totally right -- Brian's parents were just emotionally void. It seems to me that nothing and no one meant very much to them at all. 

Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and support of the story!! :) Delighted that you liked the chapter!

Wow that chapter was so good. I think you are really doing an excellent job with this story.  Brian is such a contrast and this story is going deep into who he is. I just can't wait to read more.

Rie

 

Author's Response:

Oooh, new reviewer!!! Thanks so much for the wonderful feedback! Brian has always somehow touched me so much as a character and I'm glad I could bring some of my sort of...sympathy effectively into the story. 

Thanks so much and I hope you'll love the next chapters too! 

 

This made me cry (okay only one tear I still say it counts). That’s something I do so rarely it was genuinely shocking to me - who knew eyes could leak. The growing tension throughout the session was wonderfully handled and when it reached a crescendo *sighs happily* Such beautiful Brian focused angst. I swear shops should give up selling vitamins and just market angst instead. I can definitely understand why you were so excited about posting this chapter and see it as the apex of the story - congratulations on reaching it : )

 

Ok, so prepare yourself for another shrieking rant but…...Yes! You actually have Dr Stevenson acknowledge in unequivocal terms that Brian suffers from depression! That makes me a very happy reader indeed. It frustrates the hell out of me sometimes, when Brian’s “issues” are seen as being solely caused by external situations such as his childhood or the relationship breakdown with Justin. Of course there is a blurring of the two; they feed off each other. But it still seems like you rarely (if ever) see Brian characterised as being “depressed” in a medical sense. So yeah, I’m in complete agreement with that interpretation *huge smile* I also really liked Dr Stevenson’s focus on the physiological aspects of depression. While many things can be improved with therapy, you can’t force your brain chemistry to change (subject to taking medication of course). While I don’t think a psychologist / psychiatrist in RL would behave in quite the same way as Dr Stevenson it doesn’t disrupt the suspension of disbelief necessary for enjoying any work of fiction (in other words, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest and it works well within the context of the narrative).

 

Oh, and did I mention how much I enjoyed the angst?

 

*swear that I don’t have a single psychic bone in my body…but it’s still a bit freaky isn’t it*

Author's Response:

*very, very big smile!* Thank you so much! I am so happy to hear that others see this chapter the way I do. I don't think I would've been able to understand at all if people didn't. 

The chapter just about made me cry, and I had to stop once, almost twice, because of the knots in my stomach. Which is sort of ridiculous, I think, but totally true.

 

*takes a deep sigh and wills herself not to jump on one of her biggest soap boxes, which is "psychological problems are physical problems, we should look at them objectively".  Which is not to say that I deny environmental influence... it's that I believe that influence has a physical reality to it. *stepping away from soap box for the good of all readers.*

Dr. Stevenson is going to share my views on the psychology -- a very biological, physiological, naturalistic view. Big surprise, since that's my perspective. It's very true I think that in RL you wouldn't find Dr. Stevenson... Dr. Stevenson is like me stepping in, using the things I believe in most from what I know of psychology and trying to help Brian because I love Brian. :) Not at all likely to have a physical incarnation. 

That said, I do think this approach will really help Brian -- to see that emotions aren't something he can avoid, because they are actually existent (not just like some vague thing that can be easily willed away). I think it will make these problems easier for Brian to deal with when they are explained using this focus.  Or at least, I hope so. 

*happy you enjoyed the angst. More coming soon, guilt-relief focused!* 

*decides to believe you're just perceptive and not psychic* 

Thanks so much for your comments! :)

Another amazing, touching chapter.  Thanks.

Author's Response:

*so happy that you enjoyed it!* Thank you so much for your support! 

just wanted to say that i love this fic esp. brian and justin like you see them together. what an emotional chapter! glad brian could say these things. i'm looking forward to the next chapter with brian and justin together!

I waited up to read this - usually I'm in bed at 9 - and it was worth the wait. Great chapter - very intense - erb

Author's Response:

Wow -- I didn't think anyone would do that -- *feels a little guilty for late posting hour*... *genuinely delighted and almost unbelieving that it could have been worth the wait!*  What an amazing compliment. Thank you so much. I am thrilled that you like the story so much. :) !!!!

Wow, that was intense and so hard to read. I felt fo Brian, his whole body fought these notions. That tells a lot about the way his parents treated him.

I'm so happy the doctor got through to him, got him to say those things. Even if it was painful at the time, it must have been a relief afterwards.

I hope he tells Justin how this session went, and brings him to the next one, they both have so much guilt to work on.

As usual I loved it.

Author's Response:

You're absolutely right -- the "guilt session" (as it's called in my mind) will probably be the next big session with Dr. Stevenson.

My stomach was just in knots writing the chapter; had to take a break at one point just to sort of relax myself. Maybe that's just ridiculous on my part, but it's true. So I figured how  much worse it would have to be for Brian who would be living it (and not just writing it!). 

 

Thanks so much for your concern for the characters and your involvement in the story! Thanks so much! :) !

 

Seriously, the way you write, it's exactly what I've always hoped for in my perfect imagined fic. I like reading anti-mikey, and others, every now and then but I was really routing for there to be some kind of reconciliation between Justin and Mikey. Thanks for that, now *takes deep breath* I'm ready for the super-angst!...I think.

Author's Response:

***sigh*** ***so happy because of your sweet comments!!**** 

Thanks so much for your support of this chapter! 

*getting ready to post the super-angst* :) :) :) :) :) :)

I'm conflited on my feelings with this chapter. The turn-around for Justin was just too fast for my mind to accept as real and that the situation had been dealt with by both Justin and Michael. But I understand your point that unity is more important sometimes the most important thing. And I trust you have an end game scenario that makes this necessaty.

But as a professional that deals with confidential circumstances and families, I have a serious problem with the Docs actions. I would run not walk from a therapist who called me about a friend/family member's therapy and my expeted involvement. I work in a field with less restrictions than a psychologist and I can't even verify a scheduled appointment to a blood or non blood relative without the consent of my client each time I want to make contact. The only exceptions are custodial parents of minors and those asserting a POA. To tattle to to Justin about Brian's therapy and drop hints about it's intensity would be viewed as a serious breach of ethics. The only time the Doc can share with Justin is during sesions where Brian has invited him to attend. Any other contact is not ok.

Yeah, I now it's a fictional story, so I need to zone that part out.

 

Author's Response:

I know you're totally right about the doctor and reality. I pretty much have to pretend that this isn't true. If I would've thought more about it, I could've gone around that but I think it would have caused me running in little circles trying to get Justin on the same sort of "page" as readers occassionally. That's the main problem I have -- it adds a lot of explanatory scenes, or "Justin's clueless" scenes if I can't give him any heads' up. Now, that would surely be way more realistic. However, it would also be really, really boring -- both to write and to read. It's sort of the same reason I have to gloss over Brian telling the doc things about his past that all QAF fans already know. I don't want to be covering the same ground too often, or have protracted "why are you upset" scenes that will detract from where I really want a chapter to go.  Especially with someone who has the communication problems that Brian has, it would really be...tough.

Anyway, I understand and appreciate where you're coming from on this, and I know exactly what you're referring to. I hope it might be easier to overlook now that I've given you the considerations on my side for why it becomes difficult to do in this story in particular. 

Now -- as for Justin. I think it could be a too-fast recovery. I think he really started to think it over with Ben, to think more calmly about his own role. And when he heard himself explain it to Ben and his own feelings of guilt/doubt, he realized he was wrong. 

The main reason that I wanted it out of the way and resolved is because I don't want anyone too distracted by that to pay any attention to upcoming chapters, particularly Chapter 25. So as for timing, that was a concern for me, because chapter 25 is sort of an apex to me and I didn't want anything to really detract from it. 

I really do want unity for the group as an end game sort of deal. I think they were headed in that direction post-bombing and I think that once some past errors/misjudgments/mistakes/etc. are pointed out and issues hashed out fairly, they will want to be together in a supporitve structure for one another. That's pretty much where I am with that. 

 

Thanks so very much for your honest thoughts and comments! I'm sorry my reply is so freaking long! :) I hope it made sense anyway. And I really hope you'll like Chapter 25! :)

i think michael may hinder both justin and brian only because he'll want to be the one to handle things. if he only tells justin and not get physically involved it will be better for them all around.

i want to know why doctor stevenson is keeping brian longer and the real reason brian didn't tell justin to come with him. what more is he hiding?

Author's Response:

I think Michael will not be too nosey. I'm thinking Ben will help keep that all where it needs to be... 

*evil smile over concerns about Dr. Stevenson's office* I guess we'll just have to find out later! *even MORE evil smile* 

The next chapter, chapter 25, is the apex of the story in many ways (as I see it anyway).... we'll just have to see.

This is a super quick response because I'm sooo late for work...Boss: "Why are you late?" Me:"Because I'm addicted to QAF fan fic! And you see I wrote this really long comment on a chapter where Justin confronts Michael about Brian's possible suicide attempt and was concerned because when I thought about it, the comment seemed excessively long...so I just had log on this morning" *big laugh*

Don't be anxious, this chapter was great and I don't feel the story is too pro / anti anyone. I don't even have a problem with Justin really, which you should take as a massive, massive compliment : ) I just enjoy taking what you've written and analysing it !! If I had to I could take everthing I wrote in my last comment and find just as much textual support for the exact opposite point of view (I'm a lawyer. I can argue anything). It's that very complexity which is fascinating about your story. I think I said this earlier, but I don't think Justin (or now Michael) is responsible for Brian. Only Brian can be responsible for Brian, no matter how f****d up he is - if others bought the image, well...Brian's the one who sold it to them. He's not a child. But it's oh so fun to wade into the morass of guilt and angst and play awhile...more please : ) I know that I'll continue to read and adore this story no matter where you take it. *even when I try to be short it turns out long*

*coffee, I need coffee...but no time....MUST LEAVE FOR WORK IMMEDIATELY*

Author's Response:

*is really touched that you took the time to comment* 

*really hopes you were not too too late for work* 

*worries about what will happen when work starts for her again in a couple weeks. uh oh. * 

*knows how much it sucks to go to work without coffee! So sorry!*

***GRINS at compliment that you approve of my Justin * ** 

 

Thanks so much -- I enjoy your analysis very much and it gives me many, many ideas. :) :)  I could support either side of it too, and I don't want really to support any side...

Anyway -- I am most looking foward to your thoughts on Chapter 25 and I hope you'll love it. 

 

 

Please, never rush your story along to please the reader. We may not agree or like things but this is your baby. I am truly enjoying your story and I want all that you see it being. Not what others want or think you should be doing. If they want something specific they need to write it themselves, myself included.

Keep goinng with your vision for your story, you are doing a great job. I will read this chapter when I get homme tonight. The comment caught my attention and I just had to say something.

Happy writing!

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for being so supportive!  :) *hugs!* 

I was basically concerned that the Justin/Mikey division would detract from the next chapter, which I think personally is the whole apex of the story. 

You'll be glad to know that I didn't really "change" the story so much as "re-order" by a day or so, just as I said, to resolve things so that chapter 25 could be what I want it to be, and not have that clouded over. 

Thank you so much again, it really means a lot to me to have that support. *hugs again!* 

Let me know what you think of 25 too, please! :) :)

Thank God for Zen Ben..... I always liked his calm, understanding manner..  I wish they would have shown him more in the show ... I could never figure out how Mikey ever got lucky enough to get him... I am extremely happy that Justin punched Mikey... it was long overdue....... to go slightly off-topic.. I would like to mention an article that I read in the NY Daily News yesterday about... Capt."Sully" Sullenberger.. (he is the airline pilot that landed his plane in the Hudson River saving everyone on board).... the article stated the main reason Capt. "Sully" was determined and compelled to do whatever was necessary.. above and beyond what was humanly possible to rescue his passengers.....was because he failed to save his father from committing suicide at the age of  78......

Author's Response:

Wow -- that is really interesting about the Captain... I guess it goes to show what an impact that sort of thing can have on a person... *shudders to think of it* 

I wish they would have had more Ben, too, especially interacting with the others. I find it interesting (for some reason, I'm just strange) that Ben is the only person in Brian 's life on a consistent basis that he actually fucked  (I mean, obviously, other than Justin). He never seemed to want that sort of "double closeness" of someone knowing him both ways -- as a friend and as a sex partner -- but then there was Ben... 

Anyhow, talk about off topic! 

Thanks so much for the comments and interesting news!! :) :) 

Another wonderful chapter and so cool that Justin got to punch Michael out finally. Michael has said and done some crappy things to Justin through the years in the name of friendship to Brian.

I think everyone's reaction to Brian's attempts at suicide are all in where they are in their own lives. Brian attempted suicide because he felt all was lost. Now he doesn't see the old attempt as a big deal, beause he isn't that person anymore. Now he has a successful business, a great partner, purposes outside of work and play, and Gus. Brian misses him, but he has a strong connection to him. He doesn't see himself as that person, plus it turned out ok(in his mind) Also Ithink the bashing overshadowed the scarfing and made those problems seem minor.

Justin was a high school student when the scarfing attempt was made. His understanding of Brian's depression was limited by his age, his knowledge, and Brian's steadfast attempts to block their relationship. Justin feels guilt for not seeing it, but his real feelings of guilt rest with the attempt during the Ethan mess. Justin is projecting back to the earlier to help him deal. Plus he's truly pissed that Michael brushed it off.

Michael's is the most complex and saddest. During season 1, Michael was still in love with "Brian fucking Kinney" or at least the image of him. He wasn't truly happy with Doctor Dave and he still saw Brian in the context of comic books: frozen in time, always perfect, and indestructible. Justin would have had the excuse of youth, but Michael was a 30 year old man. His sad reaction was that of an emotionally stunted and selfish man. Seeing Brian in turmoil and emotional peril would have required Michael to break out of his own safe, but unreal world. It was easiler to see the attempt as merely a sexual stunt on Brian's part and a chance to further his agenda that Brian was his to love. He kept the secret after all.

The Michael of today, though still doesn't get the seriousness of Brian's suicide attempt. But now it seems that Michael has gone from worshipping Brian to feeling morally superior to him. The Michael throwing fancy parties with Doctor Dave has reserfaced this time with Ben. The hurtful comments about why Justin left Brian were fueled by Michael's belief that Brian doesn't live his life to Michael's new standard and that makes Brian unworthy of love.

Ben is the unbiased center of the episodes. He loves Michael, but doesn't share his judgemental nature. He sees Brian as a threat, but ultimately wants the best for him. He also probably has some very first hand knowledge of suicidal thoughts and feelings of being unworthy of love. His HIV staus has probably had him run the gauntlet of emotions. Wonder how Michael would feel if it were his partner 'playing with suicide"? Or  knowing he missed signs of a suicidal episode. Possibly after the death of his lover and the foray into steroids or after Hunter's diagnosis?

Author's Response:

I agree with you very much. I think their respective own lives really influence how everything plays out around the suicide. 

I think, from where they are now in the fic  - post 513 by a year - and post bombing -- that they are going to want to come together more as a family than anything else. I think that was a lesson that they all learned in the bombing... 

In fact, I might be posting a short chapter before the big angst -- which highlights this because I don't want things dissolving into division...

Thanks so much for your thoughts and character insights! :)

I agree very much with minoloushe comment on this chapter.  It's very telling to me that both Brian and Justin hit Michael now.  Michael must be very important to them both.  The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference and they are both anything but indifferent to Michael. I wonder what the Doc will say about Jusitn hitting Michael?

I do not like Justin in this chapter and for reasons minoloushe states.  He, supposedly being more 'on to' Brian, over looked many signs of Brian's distress. Lets look at these two very important men in Brian's life.

Michael:  saw the brutal abuse brian went through as child. held him while he cried after recieving a beating from his father.   kept secrets for him, like the fact that his father was beating the shit out of him. Brian taught him that being a good friend meant lying and hiding for him.   Brian didn't want anyone to know what was going on in his home, yet Michael knew. EVen when Deb suspected,  and called social services, Brian lied and said he fell or something like that. (you mentioned  this scene in a previous chapter)  By lying for Brian, Michael felt he was protecting him. And isn't it odd, that when Michael felt that Brian was hurt, that Justin hurt him, he reacted in the same vicious way Justin did when he felt Michael hurt Brian.  instead of hitting him with his fist, he struck him with words.   Different actions, same emotions behidnd those actions.  I would say because of the histroy Michael has with Brian, his actions as far as covering up for Brian, even covering up what could have been, (remember, in Michaels view it wasn't a suicide event, just an in character reckless act that could have cost him his life) then Justin's neglegence over the years in his actions or inactions towards Brian.   Michael, in his view, how he was trained to believe what was required to be a best friend to Brian, was once again covering up for him.  Protecting him the only way he knew how.

 

Justin:  Comes along with no baggage from the past. Has no formed opinion on how Brian should be, or how he should act.  Witness's Brians self destructive behavior over and over again and also is a party to in on many occassions . Knows better. Is more insightful, yet does nothing to address Brian's escalating problems.  He leaves Brian because basically he knows how dysfunctional and flawed Brian is, and that he wasn't capable of giving him want he wanted, but did he even acknowledge what Brian wanted? At least Michael always believed he was givin Brian what he wanted, though in hindsight it wasn't want he needed, Michael always believed he was protecting Brian.  When did Justin ever give us any indication that he was protecting Brian?  Let us see...he left him because Brian wouldn't tell him he loved him.  then he left him again because once again, he wasn't getting what he wanted, and in the end, he left to get want he wanted in NY.  the only time Justin actually gave Brian what he truly needed was during his cancer.  He was like "fuck you Brian, you need this, I love you, and fuck you.  This is how it's going to be" That's the only time I witnessed Justin truly showing love for Brian.  Selfless love.

I really liked this story because you had approached it in a very honest way.  There were no black an whites, no judgement, only area's of grey.  Dealing with human characters with human flaws and fralities.  But this chaptered hinted at an arch that is leaning anti michael.  NOw there are a lot of stories that are anti michael, and that's fine.  But I didnt' think you were leaning that way.  I thought you were takign an honest look at this characters.   In my opinion, nothing justifies Justin stricking Michael.  Even Brian was remorseful when he struck Michael and went to make amends.  His anger towards Michael came from hurt and his own guilt over what he had done to push michael away.  Justin needs to dig into his own reasons why he hit Michael and if he's going to blame him for not telling anyone about Brian's suicide, he needs to also acknowledge that fact that he was there holding that 14 year old beaten boy in his bed learning, from Brian, what to do to help him.  And that included keeping his 'shameful' life a secret.  Not Michael's fault. He too is a victim of Brian's dysfunctional upbringing.  

Author's Response:

I think you have a lot of very interesting and compelling points, for both Justin and Michael. I'm sorry that the story seems to be turning anti-Michael. I'm not trying to make it that way, but I did think it was honestly how Justin felt at the time. I'm not saying that is fair or unfair to blame Michael or to be angry at Michael. But that is how I think Justin feels at that point, regardless of whether that feeling is right or wrong. From Justin's perspective, it's easier for him to see Michael's flaws and errors than to see his own. It is easier for Justin to see and react to someone else's failings than it is to deal with his own. Thus, I felt he would respond to Michael in the way that he did. 

Now, Justin will still have his own culpability to deal with and the guilt that he feels will not be solved via Michael. I also fully expect Justin to apologize to Michael and have a more rational discussion with him, and Ben, about how to help Brian at this point. Again, the reason that this came first to me was because of the anger/guilt/helplessness of Justin at this point which I felt would cause this response (regardless, as I said, of whether I personally would feel it is the correct or incorrect action).  It may be that Justin will come to learn more about the ways in which Michael has supported Brian, but I think again that it is unclear how much of that Justin himself is aware of at this point. 

Also, Justin himself is feeling very guilty for Brian's actions, and feeling the many things that he should have done differently. I don't think it is true at all the Justin is trying to put all blame on Michael; only that is first reaction (other than the grief and guilt at Dr. Stevenson's office) was to lash out at Michael. I think it's true of many people that it is easy to blame others first and yourself later. And Justin is blaming himself as well. 

I think you're right that Michael is important to them both, and I think in the reverse that obviously they both care a great deal for Brian. I think that they will be able to stand together and try to help him once the heat of the moment has passed.

Thanks very much for your thoughts on this chapter. :)

Wonderful chapter with an evil, evil cliffhanger. While angsty, it has a different texture – the re-introduction of Michael and Ben shatters the almost claustrophobic intensity of the last few chapters, where Brian and Justin just keep battering against each other in isolation. I’ve said it before, but your interpretation and expansion of canon just flat out works for me : )

 

In fact I find the interplay between “Why Not With Me” and canon one of the most engaging aspects with this story. I love Brian’s observation upon returning to the loft: “Reminds me of the discussion that I had with Michael at Mel and Lindsey’s. When I hit him”. The “death” connection in the respective motivations for Brian and Justin each hitting Michael is interesting. Brian’s attack on Michael for saying that Justin would be better off dead in season 2 is paralleled in Justin’s fury at Michael’s failure to act upon Brian trying to kill himself. Each incident highlights limitations and inadequacy of Michael’s behaviour…which in turn draws us back to Dr Stevenson’s response at the end of chapter 22.

 

I also wonder how much of Justin’s anger at Michael is re-directed guilt. Not necessarily about being unaware of the suicide attempts but because at a fundamental level much of his behaviour in canon replicates that of Michael in 122. For example, in 406 Justin just asks Brian: “Is it that after a while, you start asking yourself, am I doing this because I WANT to do it, or because I NEED to do it? And if I NEED to do it, is it to prove that I'm still young and attractive? Or because I feel unworthy of being loved?” Justin is insightful enough to say that but ultimately appears willing to allow Brian to deflect the question. It’s that very issue of what Brian *deserves* which Dr Stevenson keeps raising. The following sentence in chapter 21 is also interesting: “When I left him because… because he couldn’t give me… romance? I mean… he insisted that he could but wouldn’t. I think we both know now that he couldn’t”. On leaving Brian in season 5, Justin initially says that it’s because Brian can’t give him the things he wants. Yet upon Brian saying it’s won’t not can’t, because can’t implies he’s incapable, Justin accepts that. So it’s implied that Justin did know that Brian’s response was flawed but again chose not to challenge it.

 

On the surface those scenes seem far less serious infractions than Michael’s response in 122. But doesn’t it still demonstrate the same strategy of avoidance and acceptance of illusionality which characterizes Michael’s response in 122? Isn’t it even worse in some ways, because Justin (unlike Michael) has the capacity to (and does) see past the facade but doesn’t really do anything? That said, I suspect by season 5 Michael was a lot more aware of just which buttons to push…I mean the “he left because of you, who wouldn’t” comment is deliberately and insightfully cruel. Although once again Justin is complicit in that attack by reason of his silence.

 

*this is really just me enjoying myself, so please don’t feel you have to respond!* Hhmmm…time to turn off my brain and go to bed.

Author's Response:

*seriously thinking that you're psychic but can't say why because it'll ruin upcoming chapter!*

I'm glad you liked the parallel with Brian hitting Michael. I think there are a lot of similarities and I'm hoping it'll help Brian understand how Justin's feeling at that point.

You have a really, really interesting point about Justin's tendancy to challenge and then end up supporting the sort of "Brian myth"... I hadn't thought about it, particuarly the 406 quote. I wonder if it is sort of a carryover from their original dynamic. I mean, since Brian was so much older and was Justin's teacher in a lot of things, I wonder if Justin sort of developed a habit of assuming that Brian would be right, or that Brian's opinion was the better one. I don't know. It is a really interesting question... 

In a similar vane, the moment that bothers me a lot is after the Concerned Citizens for the Truth thing and Brian says he's going through possession withdrawal, and Justin follows him into the bedroom, in awe of the empty loft, etc. But then he calls what Brian did "so out of character" to be selfless, because it really, really isn't and Justin should know that, with all that Brian has done for him. Anyway That angers me SO MUCH.  *getting off soap box now*

You're right -- Justin's capacity to address the issues is a lot greater. And at times, he does. (i.e., the "you're not your father" speech).  It seems to me that everyone just buys into the surface Brian and believes as much as Brian does that there are no deeper emotions, or if there were that they don't count. Occassionally they're touched on, but then everyone moves on and no help or continued support or concern is shown for Brian... and more often than not, he ends up insulted by someone in some way. (It seems to me, at least.) 

Thanks so much for the fascinating comments and ideas! It makes me so excited to get onto the next chapter. :) I also like your characterization of the B/J dynamic as "claustrophic" -- god, wasn't it? 

Well, anyway. I'm really looking forward to your thoughts on the next couple chapters... You love angst, so I'm sure you'll enjoy it. :)

 

 

Wow, Michael is clueless, he didn't even blink when Justin told him it was a suicide attempt. Brian might be recless, but he's never been down right suicidel before.

I think it's so sad that Brian can't seem to understand that there is something fundamentally wrong when nobody tried to help him, least of all his best friend who actually knew what was going on.

I like Ben, he's level headed and compasionate, most of the time. I hope he can get through to Michael.

And then you leave us with a cliff-hanger, you evil woman you.

Author's Response:

I definitely needed to enlist Ben's help for the situation. Justin is really too busy with his issues and Brian's to try to work through Mikey's hero-worshipping, rose-colored glasses. Luckily, Ben stepped up to the plate and is ready to help out. *thanks, Ben!*

That is really the saddest thing to me -- that these are the best relationships that Brian knows. *sighs* 

*Admits to being evil*. Couldn't resist. :) 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts and support!!! :) :)

I am so in love with this story. I find myself looking twice a day for an update. Keep them coming.

However, in this last chapter you had Justin and Michael meeting at the diner for lunch and then some how they ended up at the loft. My only other complaint is that the chapter was too short. But then you could write 10,000+ words and it would still be too short for me! :)

Looking forward to your next update.

Author's Response:

Hi!!! ** thrilled about a new reviewer!*

Thanks so much for reviewing! I just went back and fixed the part about the diner and the loft; I originally tried to write it at the diner and have Debbie come by, but it didn't work and I just forgot to change the references at the beginning. I'm sorry about that. Thanks so much for letting me know! 

This chapter was shorter, in part because I thought we needed a relatively angst-free, langst-lite chapter, so to speak... And with this story, not much time can pass without it! 

The next chapter is extremely angsty and will probably be long, too. :)  *mini spoiler!* 

I anticipate the story will be minimally 10 more chapters, though at this point another 20 wouldn't surprise me... I just go where it takes me. :)

Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and I hope you'll consider reviewing again!

“No….Why would he?”  That line says it all about "Mikey". Another great chapter!

Author's Response:

:) Thanks! I hope you'll like how the next chapters deal with that issue -- it's such a complicated one! :)

Damn, you've grabbed Brian's attempted suicide from season one by the throat and are tearing Brian's emotions wide open. And that's a really good thing.
i always hated that quote from Michael "You're Brian-fucking-Kinney and you'll always be young and beautiful". The only people who stay young and beautiful are those who die young. Not exactly something you say to someone who just attempted suicide and so stupid on Michael's part.

Michael treated the scarfing incident as a Brian being Brian, not a cry for help. I really think you are the first to really connect all that happened to Brian's angst from that time period and focus on how his friends actions at his birthday and reactions to his job  offer contributed to Brian's feelings that he's worthless and didn't have anything to live for. So sad that Justin's innocence and exitement at asking Brian to go to his prom made it worse.

Justin's anger at Brian, Lindsey and other members of the family may be a real part of their joint reovery. There's been so much that people have hidden from him for various reasons. they treat Brian like the "asshole", while treating Justin like an innocent babe who can't deal with life or the truth. He's been lied to and manipulated by just about all of them.

Vic, Emmett, and Ted(in seasons 4 and 5) may have been their only true friends.

Author's Response:

I'm so happy that you feel like the whole "suicide" thing is playing out in a believable way. I was just terribly struck by the hopelessness of that scene, and the more thought I gave to it, the more heartbreaking I found the whole episode. 

You're totally right -- I mean, it is only those who die young who stay that way! And who the hell calls someone who just was hanging themselves 'pathetic'? I mean... I know Mikey was scared but come on... 

I think you have an interesting point about the rest of everyone. I don't know how much I'll be able to go into it all, but I am definitely thinking about it.

I know...I wish Vic could be alive for my story... *sad*. I think Emmett and Ted will be of a help soon, and Ben, too. :)

Thank you so much for the thoughtful review! :)

Another extremely well written chapter. I like where you're taking the story with Mikey as well because ...I don't know, maybe it's just me but if I found someone who I claim is my "best friend" in the midst of a suicide attempt, I don't think I could just give them a speech about how much I love them and then leave. I feel that situation requires way more attention and involvement. Luckily Justin and Dr. Stevenson realize this!

"I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know if I can let this go on. If I can let Justin keep coming to these fucking sessions. And keep finding out all these things that put these damned ideas in his head."

Oh god, do I sense some dark foreshadowing? Oh Brian... he's so consumed with blaming himself for everything that he can't accept that for as guilty as he may feel, others have the same reaction. 

Fantastic chapter, can't wait for more!

Author's Response:

! Thanks so much for the review!! :) 

You picked out a great quote... Brian is seriously feeling guilty at this point that he has Justin going through all this. We'll have to see how he reacts to this feeling... 

As for Michael, it's sure a complicated issue that will take a while to discuss... it starts in the next chapter. 

I really hope you'll like the way it all turns out! 

omg. brian thinks michael is his best friend, as michael spouts all the  time and yet michael does nothing to try and get him the help he needed. i don't blame justin for his anger. really, how stupid is michael?

i now can understand brian's adversion to committment and marriage if he relates it to the fake front his parents put on for the outside world.

i hope brian is able to keep his promise to justin that it will never happen again. the morning was so tender and loving. it was nice to see them like that. 

i look forward to this story and it's updates. it's mavelous. so deep and painful and loving and tender. you can tell that deep down the want to heal is there, for both of them.

Author's Response:

I'm really glad you mentioned that part about Brian's aversion to commitment. That was something that I hoped would make sense -- it makes sense to me, but it doesn't always translate. 

The morning...yeah...I think Brian was sort of trying to use the tender sex to be able to then say what he wanted to say afterwards. And what a way to wake up!!!

I hope Brian keeps his promise, too. I know he really wants to.

I'm very touched thta you like the story so much..... that's everything I was aiming for.... Thank you so much! *big smile!!!!*

 

This is the first time ever I've left a comment here, but I just had to tell you, that I absolutely love your story!
Reading your story, especially the interaction between Dr. Stevenson and Brian and between Justin and Brian, feels as if you're sitting in the same room with them watching the scene in front of you - I don't think it's possible to come any closer to their thoughts and feelings.

I'm already looking forward to the next chapter and I hope you keep on writing for a while.

Author's Response:

New Reviewer!! *almost jumping up and down with excitement!* 

Thanks so much! That is such a kind thing to say; I'm happy that you're enjoying the story so much and that the dialog is working so well. 

I anticipate at least...*thinking...thinking...thinking*... another 10ish chapters. :)

I hope you'll enjoy the next ones too and will consider commenting again! :)

Great chapter.  A few things about Brian's 'thinking' bothers me.  In the beginning he tells Justin as long as "I have you"  he won't ever be in 'that' place again. Ouch. Lot of responsibility on Justin.   Kind of like the demented partner telling his/her lover that they'll kill themselves if they ever leave.   That's not a good enough reason for Brian not to attempt suicide again, and it's not fair to Justin to hold that kind of responsiblity.  What if down the road Justin wants to leave?  he wouldn't cause he'd have the guilt that if he did, Brian might do something stupid.  NO, I don't like Brian feeling that way.

I'm not sure why the doc and Justin are freaked about what Mikey did either.  Should he have told someone?  Maybe he would have if Justin didn't get bashed that very same night.  Thoughts of what Brian did earlier I'm sure flew out of his head, and I believe that Mikey believed that Brian was just being his reckless self.  Lets not forget Mikey's known Brian a VERY long time. He's use to Brian drinking and drugging to excess. Scarfing would be in character for Brian. He's always lived dangerously.  Going home with strange men who could have killed him, or slipped him a drug while he wasn't looking.   It could have happened. he was always high when he went home or took tricks homes. Often he didn't even remember the previious evenings events like what he did, or who he fucked. Everyone knew this about him, including Justin. So Mikey witnessing a sexual act that Brian did that almost gone bad wouldn't be shocking to him.  And he did yell at Brian that one day he was going to get himself killed. A speech he's said before, as Debbie has said, and Lins I'm sure. 

Sorry for the long comment, but I just don't see the 'shocked' reaction from Justin as real.  The Doc, yeah, he's an outsider, but from Justin, no. He of all people knew how dangerously Brian lived.  He witnessed Brian going home with a total stranger fucked up out of his mind and he did nothing.  He did pretty much what Mikey did, told him "you don't know him, he could kill you" or something like that. Point is he warned him, then let him go off wiht that guy. Mikey warned Brian, and then Brian promised him he wasn't trying to kill himself, that he just went a bit too far in a sexual act.

Ok, I'm off my soapbox now. Obviously great chapter! And I don't want to end with out mentioning how fucking HOT that openign scene was!  Whew!

Lots to consider in this chapter.  Great update.

Author's Response:

I know... I think Brian's just trying to say he gets what Justin means by being "partners" but... he may be taking things a little too far. We'll have to see how Justin feels about that.... You make a very good point. 

I think Justin is shocked not so much by Brian's behavior, but because he is starting to see more of his own role and he's feeling a lot of regret. I think Justin's feeling like he was too self-involved in a way and missed warning signs that he feels now (in retrospect) that he should have seen. And I think he's sad for Brian for his lack of support.

I think you're right about the general recklessness of Brian's behavior, and people do talk to him about that... I think maybe I will put this in. The concern though is that no one tries to find out what feelings or problems are underlying his behavior. I'm going to try to have Dr. Stevenson address some of this with him, especially now that I'm thinking more about it, so thank you so much for your thoughts on this topic.

*So happy you liked the opening scene!* :) :) Great way to wake up, huh? :)

I am now sufficiently recovered from my angst wallowing to actually think a little more about chapters 21 and 22! While I certainly don’t think Justin is responsible for Brian’s suicide attempts, those chapters help assuage my dislike of Justin. He’s forced to confront the reality of Brian and certain aspects of his own behaviour.

Love that you mentioned the “Death Day Party”!!!

My feeling has always been that Michael had a good suspicion of what’s going on in 122 but simply doesn’t have the maturity or strength of character to do much of anything about it. The reaction of Dr Stevenson is perfect; it’s heartrending to think that the only help or comfort Brian receives from his best friend, the person who is supposed to know and love him most, is “you’ll always be young, you’ll always be beautiful”….in that one comment Michael effectively chooses his illusion of Brian over the real person.

Michael just can’t let go of his make-believe, life-sized Brian doll.

 

It also makes me think of Lindsay’s casual, throw-away remake in a later episode about Brian nearly killing himself on his last birthday….she certainly didn’t seem too concerned either….

 

Your writing is just so very, very good.

Author's Response:

You're right! I wasn't even thinking about Lindsay a lot -- I sort of was, but you're totally right... even she's not even much more concerned. It makes me wonder what would make them concerned.

I love the way you put that -- Mikey choosing the illusion over the real Brian. That's perfect.

I think that's mostly where Justin's emotions are at the end of this chapter -- regret, a lot of regret, and realizing what it almost cost him. 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and you are just way too kind!! :)

what can I say .... I wish I could give more then a 10 in rating this chapter.

Too boring!? nooooo, it's beautiful writen.

Author's Response:

First -- I'm sorry I missed replying to this sooner! I remember first reading it and being so happy because I was so convinced that I was putting everyone to sleep with that chapter! 

Thanks!!! 

The morning was hot, and loving :)

I loved the way you made Justin realize what had been going on around that time. I think they will have to work out all the guilt they are both feeling if they want to move forward, it's clouding their judgment.

I can understand why Dr. Stevenson is so shocked by that whole scarfing scene, it's really very traumatic. I hope he somehow manages to convey to Brian that Mikey has been horribly wrong in not doing anything more than what he did, and I hope that Justin goes of on him, Michael I mean.

As usual a great chapter.

Author's Response:

I'm so glad that the morning scene wasn't totally lost in the angst -- I was trying my best to capture the sort of "ice cream kiss" spirit (damn I just love that scene so much) and continue it... Anyway. :)

I think you're right -- their judgment is really starting to be impacted. I think Dr. Stevenson is going to have to have sort of a heavy hand and help them out on this one.

Dr. Stevenson is still being educated by Brian's lifestyle, and then adding the temendous trauma as you said. No wonder he's all wet...!

To me, that's the saddest part of Mikey's response -- it highlights for me how shallow Brian's whole level of support is, and I start to wonder about how Brian expects to be treated by those who love him. That's what I most wanted to convey with Brian's innocence at the end of this chapter -- I think correcting this is possible... I hpoe Dr. Stevenson knows how! 

As for Justin... a pretty dramatic scene is forming in my mind with him, Michael and Ben. So that will be in a chapter coming soon! 

Thanks so much for your thoughts -- it's invaluable to me to see how the story is coming across in this way and the support encourages me to keep it going. Thank you!!! :)

Worth the wait!  The beginning was so tender and lovely and I'm glad that Mikey and all of his enabling of Brian's destructive behavior is about to be adressed.  Fabulous.

Author's Response:

You're my 200th Reviewer!!!!!!!!! Thanks so much!!! Unfortunately, no prize seems forthcoming, except for my most enthusiastic THANK YOU!!!!! :) :) 

 

I'm so glad it was worth the wait! A bunch of my plans for the day got all messed up, then I got caught in a huge downpour (I mean I walked 2 blocks *with an umbrella* and came out looking like I'd spent 2 minutes fully clothed in the shower) which caused me to miss the train I was trying to catch. The whole time I kept thinking, "Why did I ever say when I would be posting the next chapter!?!"

Anyway, enough with my excuses/reasons! 

*happy that people remembered the beginning, too!* 

Yes... Mikey. Such a complicated subject...I hope I can make it turn out okay. 

Thanks so much again!! 

i do like this story even tho i havent commented before. i only comment when i have something to say more than this is great.

that said, its washington square park and madison square gardens. and u described washington square park with the shake shack and being near to nyu.

Author's Response:

I'm glad you're enjoying the story.  Let me make sure this is clear and not confusing to anyone: 

1. The lines from that chapter are: 

"That night  I was letting him walk me from our hotel near Grand Central down to Madison Square Park. He won’t tell me why; he says it’s a surprise.  As we walk, I finally can’t take it anymore and ask him."

Thus, they were not walking from NYU, they were walking from Midtown, near Grand Central Station at 42nd Street. 

 

2. As for where they were walking to, I did mean Madison Square Park, and not Madison Square Gardens. Please see  http://www.madisonsquarepark.org , wherein you will see a tab for "Shake Shack" or you could go to http://www.shakeshack.com for more information, including a link to the "Shack Cam" which is their online camera that I mentioned in the story. 

 

3. Anyone wishing to see the Park at night, as Justin showed Brian in the story,  see  https://www.madisonsquarepark.org/About/Default.aspx 

 

4. Anyone wanting to  see how many awesome things are there, would be well advised to consult https://www.madisonsquarepark.org/Visit/ParkTour.aspx

 

5. Madison Square Park is between 23rd Street and 26th Street, between Madison and 5th Avenue, making it a very pleasant 20-30 minute walk from the Midtown / Grand Central area. 

 

I wanted to thank you for reading and also for trying to be helpful. I hope these links will prove helpful to you and other readers who might want more information about Brian and Justin's NYC trip. :)

you are doing a wonderful job with this story.

me, i could see it happening. he was so lost for a while. 

the shower scene was beautiful.

Author's Response:

Thank you!!  I agree -- I think "lost" is a perfect descriptor. He really just doesn't seem to know what to do with himself without Justin at all. 

I'm relieved about the shower scene -- I wrote it and left it in entirely on impulse, which can be risky, so I'm glad it came together anyway. :)

My god that was gut wrenching. I was grinding my teeth the whole time Iwas reading. Paying his tuition so that he would be taken care of, makes so much sense. The shower scene and Justin needing to have Brian take him, his feelings of desperation just poured out in that scene. Bravo, excellent chapter!

Author's Response:

*Perversely happy that she caused said "gut wrenching"* *swears that she is not a sado-masochist*!!! LOL! 

No, seriously though -- I want to thank you for your response and for being invested enough in the story to have a strong response. It is wonderful feedback and I'm so glad that you felt the chapter worked well. :)

*smiles *

I enjoyed this break very much. It's beautiful writen, Justin loving Brian so much and Brian trusting Justin ... wowww.
I'm going to bed now, no angsty chapters for me.

* big hug * for this wonderful story, one of my favorites of the moment.

Author's Response:

*Big smile*

Thank you so much, Marny! I am so glad that I could convey that with this scene; sometimes conveying deeper meaning in sex scenes is tough and I really appreciate the feedback on that issue. 

 *hugs back happily*

Woww I'm happy to see so many chapters. this is a wonderful story.  Your breaking my heart .. poor Brian, glad he has Justin.

*hugs *

Author's Response:

I'm so happy to have you as a reader, and I hope you will love every single chapter!! 
*hugs back!!!* 

 

*so excited for new readers!!!!!!!!!!*

Woooow that was an intense chapter. I can't say that I have just one favorite part when the whole chapter really had me enthralled. I'm an angst-lover as well so I truly enjoyed the continued back and forth of 'the blame game' between Brian and Justin, both in speech and thoughts, in regards to Brian's attempts of suicide. You definetley have the right balance of emotion from each character because writing on this topic and depicting the character while trying to keep them IC can get really difficult, but I think you pulled it off excellently. Oh, and that shower scene made perfect sense, if anything it showed how empathetic Brian and Justin are towards eachother.Now I am so excited for the next chapter, I'm very interested in how the Mikey part will by done. :)

Author's Response:

Thank you so much -- I'm glad because you're right, the balance can be hard, especially because the key is how terrible and guilty they both feel; if it were lopsided or one-sided it would be a very different chapter and a much easier issue to resolve. 

The Mikey part will be interesting -- I don't want it to end up too anti-Mikey, I'm not a huge fan of "anti-" anything, but it may end up rather....harsh. Though hopefully fair.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and support! :)

Angst, angst and more angst *smiles happily to self*

 

I’m sure that’s not really the right response here - but it's oh so true. I think you picked an absolutely perfect place within canon to insert the second attempt too. The hustler scene always seemed so utterly bleak and poignant to me. *blushes about the shout out in the previous chapter* I’m glad my shrieking rant was of benefit to someone!

 

Sorry, no insightful comments here tonight. I’m just going to wallow around in the angst some more : )

Author's Response:

*smiles* I had a feeling this chapter would be the angst-lovers dream. More of the same coming for Chapter 22, and 23 will just have to be some kind of break for everyone (I know I"ll need one by then!). 

That scene with the hustler always, always makes me want to cry; I get this feeling of just hopelessness out of it, which is probably why I picked that time frame for his other attempt. Or, rather, one of the others.

Yes, your rant was quite beneficial! :)

*hopes you enjoy your wallowing* :)

Oh My.......   The timing makes alot of sense because if Brian would have done something like that in canon... it would have been at his lowest point ... which was when Justin left him for Ethan ... Thank goodness Brian had such a violent reaction to the pills and Beam... because there would have been no Mikey to the rescue......

Author's Response:

I'm so glad that you feel like this timing makes sense -- I always felt so much hopelessness in the hustler scene that it just...seemed natural to me, and I'm glad it makes sense to others, too.

It is lucky for Brian -- I think he figured the sleeping pills would put him out so he wouldn't wake up from the illness, but it didn't work. 

I think you hit on a key issue -- I think that's how Brian is dividing "serious" attempts from "half-assed" -- the serious are the ones in which he expects no one to be around to do anything about it. Hence, in the scarfing, he thought everyone would be at Mikey's party, Justin would be worried about prom, Mikey about moving, etc. and so no one would bother to check on him for while (though conceivably he'd think that Mikey would search him out, but I think he felt pretty neglected / ignored by Mikey at this point, and hurt that Mikey was leaving). 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughts!! :)

I can't believe the last time I reviewed it was Chapter 4! (My apologies on that - although I have been keeping up =] ) We've come so far and I'm extremely happy you decided to continue the story. Your story is one the most well written and interesting fics I've ever read, truly. The way you've written Brian is out-of-character (in context to the show that is - being that here he actually allows himself to be vulnerable even though it's hard) yet not because I feel if Brian were to actually let himself go and express the feelings or memories he's been holding, he'd end up how you've characterized him. I feel you've hit the nail on the head with this one. Can't wait for more!

Author's Response:

*smiles* I'm glad you decided to review again! *blushes* I'm flattered that you would like this story so much. It means a great deal to me because I know there are some great ones out there. Having feedback and support from readers like you is what makes me want to ensure that every chapter is as good as I can make it. 

Keeping Brian in character - yet showing a lot of growth -- is like walking a tight rope.. I' m glad that the characterization of his internal life seems right. :)

 

Thanks again for your very, very generous words *blushes again* and for continuing with the story yourself. I hope you'll enjoy the upcoming chapters!

I alway's viewed Brian's 'scarfing' incident as a suicide attempt, you explained that beautifully here.  Considering his self abusive habits, it's not surprise it wasn't his first attempt.

Great chapter.   I'm loving these sessions, and what they reveal.

Author's Response:

I'm so pleased that you're happy with this interpretation of 122. I am going to have Brian discuss it further with Dr. Stevenson in Chapter 22, probably in a session with Justin (*spoiler!*). 

You'll learn a little more about a previous attempt in the next chapter, which I am just about to post. Hope you'll like it!

Brilliant!  So emotional.  I think this is a very understnadable interpretation of 122.  I can't wait to see the Mikey side.

Author's Response:

*Smiles* I'm so glad that this interpretation is a believable, plausible one. I was worried about that, because I know many seem to take it as clearly just a part of Brian's sex-crazed-ness. 

The Mikey side looks like it'll be coming in Chapter 22-23. I think it'll start with Dr. Stevenson and Justin, then Justin will take something into his own hands.... *spoiler*! 

 

Thank you so much for your thoughts and continual support; it helps so much to keep the momentum of the story going!

There is true beauty and love behind the layers of your story as in the painting.

Good work

Author's Response:

*has no idea how to respond to such a touching compliment*......................................

Thank you so much! That is just so, so sweet and kind and... *will not get teary. will not get teary....sniffle* 

:) Thank you. :)

OMG...  I think this was completely accurate for 122... It never made sense to me that Brian's "Scarfing" incident was so he could have the "best orgasm of his life".. especially when he always talked about going out in "a blaze of glory ".. I felt so bad for Justin when he blamed himself for never realizing all Brian's attempts at suicide... were screams for help....

Author's Response:

I think you're right -- the whole reasons for the scarfing incident never made any sense to me at all... I'm going to try to go into this more in upcoming chapters, because it really is sad that it wasn't taken seriously by Mikey... apparently not even seriously enough to have told anyone out of concern.

Justin is in a pretty bad place.... it'll get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. :)

Thanks so much for your responses and thoughts! They encourage me to go ahead into Chapter 21. :)

*sniff* Just break my heart why don't ya? Darn you and your excellent writing skills. The emotions just pour off the screen. That was a really good (and sad) chapter. I really feel for Justin. Justin and Brian are so emotionally raw. To me the interpretatoin of 122 is very well played, if there was a chapter with his POV, it would be interesting, but not really necessary. All the elements were mentioned and you're even going to delve deeper.This event was a definite pivitol moment in Brian's life because it showed that he is just human, despite what Mikey may say, and that he just hides his insecurities better than most. However, your last line :“Because of you, Justin, my whole world has changed.”, that totally made me smile. Great chapter. I can't wait for your next update. :)

Author's Response:

*hands over the Kleenex stolen from Dr. Stevenson's office*. I know, this chapter was sad to write, too. I think the next two will be similarly angsty... I know -- poor Justin!! Things will get better for them, but not for a while yet.

I'm glad that this rendering of 122 seems plausible to you. That scene is so heartbreaking for me... I could never understand at all how Mikey would believe the whole "scarfing for the best orgasm of my life" story. Anyway, I won't go into it all now because it'll be in the next couple chapters.

You make an excellent point -- this is an admittance of weakness by Brian. That is probably part of the reason it's such a difficult topic for him. I will keep that in mind for when Brian is discussing the other attempts.

As for the last line: I had to throw something in there that was the sliver lining on the many, many clouds of this chapter! I'm glad you liked it! :)

I have to just breathe for a second before commenting on this one.

Ok, I'm breathing. This was very emotional. I actually think Michael failed Brian miserably in this, the whole 'you are Brain Kinney for fuck's sake' speach was so much hero worship that it made me sick. He might have saved Brian, but that was more a lucky fluke than anything else (I don't like Michael much, did you know that ;)

I know Brian is difficult to talk to, but he should have tried, should have tried to find out what made him do it, In stead he just went off on him and tried to stroke his ego.

I think the rant is over for now.

I hope they can both get over their guilt about this. Justin for not noticing, and Brian for surviving to 'get Justin bashed'. Those are his thoughts, NOT mine.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter, and no, I don't need to look back at that scene, it's painful enough without. I'd read if you post it, of course, but I don't need it.

As usual, I love this story.

Author's Response:

I had to take  a few breathers to write it, too... 

I think you have many good points on Michael. I personally think Mikey did his best, but he just wasn't...mature enough himself to be what Brian needed at that moment. 

The issues of guilt for both of them will possibly get worse before getting better, the way I see it. But maybe not; the chapter's not written yet.

Thanks so much for the comment! I hope you'll like how I handle the "Mikey" part. It'll be either the next chapter or the one after. 

So as I'm getting in the shower tonight I realized that my mom is alot like Brian.  Not in the whole drug/drinking/sex way, but in the whole emotional neglect way.  My grandfather was a little abusive physically and a lot emotionally/mentally.  My mom has a hard time communicating her fellings.  She shows her love buying you things and doing things for you.  Who would have ever thought that reading fanfiction I would learn some insight on my mother.  This is so much cheaper that therapy!  I know this has not been a "review" really, but I thought you would be interested in hearing that.

I think your story is going great.  You really are a brilliant writer.  I don't expect you to answer my questions but here is I'm thinking as I read:

 

1.  Will Brian and Justin move beyond taking care of each other in their hour sexually?

2.  When will the other characters be brought in to what is going on?  How will that play out?  (Don't get me wrong, I love this interaction.  I could live on Brian and Justin alone)

 

You are doing wonderful.  Keep up the good work.

 

Author's Response:

:) I'm happy that you shared that with me. I think sometimes that like 60% of the reason I read fanfic is to understand either realtionships or myself. So I really understand that. :) I'm glad the story could be helpful in some way. 

I hope it's okay if I answer anyway! 

1) They will. I have plans... *rubs hands sneakily*. Big plans. :) I think Justin will be the first to "branch out" more, and Brian will more as he gets more... emotionally "tuned in" and knowledgeable. I spent like forty minutes on the train today imagining the thoughtful little things that will transpire... ;) 

 

2) I also have been thinking about this. The short answer is "Yes." As to how, I have a couple of ideas right now and don't know which will happen. It's amazing the extent to which it isn't my decision -- honestly. It's like I type, and just keep typing. A lot of times, I can't even change things when I try to! Might relate to my answer to #1 in some way.

 

**blushes at "brilliant" comment**. No, I'm just lucky that writing is the easiest way for me to communicate. I end up texting people things I can't say in person because out loud I'm too shy or whatever. It's funny, really. :) Thank you, though! I am so lucky to have readers like you all. :)

i liked it very much.

yes, brian has to talk to someone about his drug use, and maybe with his pampering it will come out but tonight after it's just time for them.

Author's Response:

The issue of drug use is a hard one, I'm finding... Perhaps because of the very casual way that it is portrayed on the show -- unless someone is a severe addict. But we're getting there. You're right that Brian definitely needs that sort of emotional space to be able to finally let go and tell Justin what happened that night.  Thanks so much for your review and continual support!

I like this story so much. I've been reading and rereading some of the chapters this last week, and I think I have to get a bit personal and tell you that even though I am a sober, abstinent, straight-ish female I find that I can relate so well with what Brian is going through. I've had so much trouble letting people in and allowing others to help me on a personal level (as much as I am a demanding bitch at work and on the outside) I actually cry when I read this. You are a brilliant writer. Thank you.

Author's Response:

Thanks so much for writing!!!!!!!!!! I totally know what you mean. I'm a lot the same way myself, though I have no past like Brian's to explain it, nor drug/alcohol use. I really understand what you're saying... I think for me it's largely a matter of detachment, which is a great quality for me at work, but I think it's a bad quality to reinforce in terms of friendships and relationships. I have so much sympathy for Brian in the show, and that's what enables me to write this, that focuses on him. I don't think I could try to analyze Justin in at all the same way...And yet, for this story, I often write Justin into doing what I would want to do for Brian, becaues I think it'd be amazing to have such an intense and supportive relationship like that.

I'm so touched that you like the story so much. It means a lot to me, too. Please feel free to comment or write anytime, I honestly love hearing from people and am so happy that my story can be meaningful for people other than me. 

 You are most welcome for the story -- thank you for commenting and your kind words. :)

 

Beautiful... Brilliant...    I am really liking Dr. Stevenson  more and more.. the way he knows when Brian is upset or refuses to answer a question.. he changes the topic to Gus to calm him down... the part I loved the most was what Justin said during Brian's "hour".... "I love you Brian. When your'e here, your'e safe. And your'e loved".... Beautiful... 

Author's Response:

I loved that part, too. I don't know if Brian would really listen to it. Justin should have set out a "no talking" rule so he couldn't protest. I can never resist theat level of...*searches for term*.... deep sappiness.

 

THanks so much for your comments -- I'm glad you also like Dr. Stevenson's techniques! I think after Brian walked out once he started thinking of some preventative measures/topics like Gus.... didn't want another "runner" so to speak! :)

I loved the reaction from Dr Stevenson when Brian said,

“I tied him up in his sleep, fucked him when he woke up. Made him breakfast, then blew him in the shower.” 

 lol I don't think the doc got the love lol

Author's Response:

*laughing* Yeah -- I think Dr. Stevenson may be in for an education of sorts with Brian as his patient! Maybe I"ll have Justin come in and explain it sometime. Of course, poor Justin may end up shocking him worse.... *grins with an evil idea*... guess we'll just have to see... :)

 

Thanks for the comment!! :)