This is a great exploration of the issues raised in the previous chapter. It also reinforces a lot of my ideas about the role of non-verbal communication as Brian’s primary means of emotional connection and expression. Brian is forced to acknowledge that the physical intimacy of “Restrained” was emotional rather than sexual. While some of his embarrassment probably does stem from the apparent role reversal between himself and Justin (and the superficial D/s connotations of the “stronger” / “weaker” partner), on a deeper level it’s perhaps about Brian’s realization that those emotional connections with Justin have been there all along and that it hasn’t been about sex for a very long time. The events of chapter 35 force him to confront that reality rather than continuing to hide behind the safety of f***ing. Sex / physicality has been the language but the meaning is something entirely different.

 

That has to be disconcerting for him. In a sense, the rejection of verbal communication the “sorry’s bullshit” philosophy represents comes full circle in this session with Dr Stevenson…

 

Finally, I don’t think I’ve commented before on the choice of song lyrics you use at the start of each chapter. First of all “My Sweet Prince” is such a beautiful song...I’m listening to it while typing this, actually. And although the lyrics don’t necessarily have a singular or “fixed” meaning, they definitely trigger concepts of shame, drug addiction, honesty, suicide, love…the sense of loss giving up an addictive behaviour brings, even when you know you have to. Overlaid with the anticipated grief of those around you if you don’t. I actually think the use of 3/4 time in the song (which is really a classic waltz) infuses it with a very strong romanticism as well…So yeah, I thought it was a perfect choice for this chapter.

Author's Response:

That's just what I was going for at the start of the chapter. Brian was just not ready for how he'd felt during Restrained. He's not used to expressing himself at all, let alone so...primally. He's not used to having those feelings accepted and recognized as they were by Justin. He's not used to basically having his deepest fears (about being violent and uncontrollable) recognized and allayed by Justin. 

 

**that, and I think he's starting to feel how much he enjoys/needs the restraint at a deeper D/s kind of way* *chokes on her own spoiler.....!*

 

*****SO HAPPY that you liked the lyric choice!* No one ever mentions them (except JTSecrets who did once) and I sometimes wonder if anyone reads them up there! *grin* I like your analysis of the song. I turned the song on to read your review! It was definitely one of the times that I felt the song was a good match musically and not only in terms of language. Another match that stands out to me was on the You Better Know chapter, way back, Scarves, and Lock and Key. Interestingly almost all the best matches are Placebo songs. There is some sort of thematic link I think, as you suggest. :)

Thank you so much for your invaluable thoughts, insights and support! :)

I loved it.... Brian  learned with Justin's "help"...that he can be angry ...but... that it can be a controlled anger... and he also learned that while not currently an alcholic...  he is at great risk of becoming one... and I wish Dr. Stevenson would learn not to drink anything.. or maybe wear a raincoat during his sessions with Brian... lol...   

Author's Response:

Dr. Stevenson's a stubborn guy, apparently! :)

I like your phrase -- "that it can be a controlled anger." I think that is precisely what Brian had to know. That he could be "saved" (so to speak) from being out-of-control, and that his emotions can be felt because they can be dealt with. :)

 

Thanks so much for the comment and perfect terminology! :)

Great as ever! *hugs* I just heard from a very good friend that there is an update here today + so that's why I came here and read it! And I am so happy to read that Brian feels good... *sighs* So thanks for this new chapter I like as much as all the others!

Author's Response:

I'm so glad you caught the update! I think Brian feels much better -- like a weight lifted from his shoulders -- although I do think he was somewhat uncomfortable about how emotional he was in a very non-sexual situation. That's pretty new to him. 

Thanks so much for your enthusiasm and support! :)

Another great chapter that really does have roots in real life. I think that Brian and Justin really shocked the good Doctor with their almost casual way of discussing restaints and tying each other up. But if it works for them.....

I agree that Brian isn't a classic alcoholic. He doesn't crave it on a physical level or abuse it in increasing levels. He does however abuse it as a coping mechanism. He reminds me of the at risk high school students I used to work with. They used drugs, drank, and had sex to cope with that which they couldn't cope with or control. The were very open about it and used it to shock adults.  As they matured, however; they moderated their behavior as they formed relationships and learned to cope. Or they didn't and the consrquences were tragic.

Brian uses his pain management the same way. When he's hurt, scared, or depressed, he goes all out and shocks even his best friends to get attention and draw attention away from the real problem he can't cope with. Shots of Beam, hits of E, and half dozen trips to the backroom has everyone forgetting he's failed Justin again or that his mom has damned him to Hell again. Almost as if Brian were still acting out to get his parents real attention and be noticed for who he was. and his friends also failed to see his behavior as seriously negative. It got him crowned Stud of Liberty Avenue and they passively encouraged him. He's still that teenager waiting to be told he's behaving badly and that he's better than that. And along comes Justin.....JMO

Most people in Brian's shoes self-detruct in adulthood. They can't cope and wind up dead, in jail, or as non-functional members of society. But you have Brian turning a huge corner in asking if he is an alcoholic and actually hearing the answer beyond "No". Most would hear only the good news and bury the rest. He's looking iton himself for answers and willing hear the truth and make changes to better his life and Justin's life.

Alice Miller is a great author. I can say that The Truth Will Set You Free and Breaking the walls of Silence are also excellent books that delve into child abuse and it's lasting effects. Sorry this was so long. I'll hush now.

Author's Response:

That's a very interesting aspect that I haven't thought a lot about -- how some of his behaviors to distract / detract attention from his real problems and feelings. That is definitely something I want to consider more, particularly for one chapter that I have planned.

I agree that he was needing someone to come and challenge that concept of himself, and I think it took someone who didn't have this built up image of him, someone who didn't know enough about the scene at Babylon for Brian just to be like a trophy or something. And someone who wouldn't know his past history of tricking and therefore wouldn't have the typical reactions / expectations to / of him.

I'd looked through the Drama of the Gifted Child many times, and only really read it recently (not done yet). I've enjoyed it very much and will read more of her work. A General Theory of Love has also been better than I'd expected (I'd thought it would be too pop-psychology-ish, which I generally can't stand, but it isn't). I also just bought one called A Cognitive Perspective on Emotion, which is mostly journal articles. I'm sure I'll love that because, though I like writing fiction, I never read fiction -- only nonfiction, and generally very dry nonfiction at that! :)

 

*wonders how she got into talking about her reading preferences....! * 

Thanks so much for the book suggestions and insights! :)

i believe that brian's emotions are right on track. maybe him being embarrassed about being restrained not so much. but him wondering if he'll be an alcholic is surprising. alcholism is hereditery so if he can win before it truly takes hold then that's all for the better,

Author's Response:

You're probably right. What I was trying to aim at was that Brian was more embarrassed not exactly at being restrained, but because it was primarily emotional without being sexual. I think that level of emotionality and....*searching for right term* surrender to emotion (without lust) would be surprising to him and, possibly, embarrassing. 

The hereditary aspect of alcoholism is interesting. I took a class once that discussed how different types of alcoholism are inherited to a different degree. I remember that for one type, the belief / research finding was that it seemed to be almost instantaneous -- i.e., that alcoholism started basically immediately once the person started drinking. I may have to do more research on this for the story, depending on the track it takes, because, as you say, it is of a lot of importance to Brian. 

Thanks so much for your thoughts! :) Enjoy the next chapter!

Still loving this story!  I'd like to see Brian explore his drug and alcohol abuse more. I personally think he's a 'functional' alcoholic. My father in law was. (still is, but is retired now.)  Never missed his mid day and after work martini's, yet held a high powered job.  Had a family, and personal life.  Still, never missed a day.  My father, oth, was like what the Dr. here  describes. An alcoholic whose life, (personal and professional) was greatly affected by it.

I totally get Brian needing to be restrained in order to 'let go'.  Great chapter