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Chapter 18--------------------
“My words fly up, My thoughts remain below. Words without thoughts Never to heaven go.”
Justin stared blankly at the short note on the fridge, slowly realizing the meaning of those few words. He kept on reading that message again and again, unable to believe his eyes. After a few moments of hesitating, he opened the refrigerator slowly and took out a bottle of water, but somehow his thirst was all gone. ‘…but isn’t it always?’ Just what the fuck was that supposed to mean? Justin knew this question was completely unnecessary; the answer was absolutely clean-cut. The blond shook his head with a bitter half-smile on his face. Fucking ridiculous. The sound of Ethan coming from the bedroom made Justin turn around, his hand still gripping the unopened bottle. Ethan put some books on the table and turned toward the blond with a sickeningly sweet smile. Justin forced a fake but somewhat evil one in return, knowing very well that the violinist wouldn't get away with it this time. The blond put the bottle down and broke the silence. "So..." He began and couldn't believe how innocent Ethan looked, "You really missed me, didn’t you?" Ethan stepped closer, feeling more assured now; he didn't reply, just nodded and stared into the blonde's eyes. Justin stepped forward too, speaking again, still giving Ethan his brightest, encouraging smile, "How much?" Ethan blinked slowly and said in a whisper, “Unutterably. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all the while. I need you Jus.” The violinist looked away abruptly, as if he were suddenly shy and embarrassed admitting something so intimate like that. Justin took one more step forward, his smile never fading and reached out a hand. “It means…I’m the only one?” The blond asked softly and Ethan was way too conceited to recognize the threatening sparks of anger in the crystal blue eyes. Ethan grabbed the blond’s hand and pulled him close. He knew he’d won; the jealousy test had worked perfectly. He looked deep into Justin’s eyes and said, “You’re my one and only.” “You know,” Justin said quietly while carefully avoiding Ethan’s pretentious mouth, “I think you should have played on the bigger stage tonight, not on that little podium.” Ethan liked the compliment and wanted to hear more, “Why do you say that?” “You beat Brian.” Ethan’s smile widened as Justin spoke, “You beat them all.” “You mean my music was more impressive than the play itself?” Ethan couldn’t help adding a smug comment, “Yeah, I think you’re right.” Justin’s smile faded slowly as he pushed Ethan back firmly, “What I mean is, Ethan,” Justin’s voice got cold as ice now and the violinist couldn’t understand the sudden change in the boy’s expression, “…that you’re the biggest fucking actor of them all.” Ethan looked confused and totally taken aback, “What are you talking about Jus?” Justin stared back with an unreadable face, “What do you think I’m talking about?” Ethan ran his hand through his hair nervously, eyeing the blond suspiciously, as if trying to read his mind, “I don’t understand you, Jus.” Justin nodded to himself and waited; he didn’t reply instantly, he took his time and enjoyed the fluster and incomprehension Ethan’s face was radiating. After a few more moments he sighed and said in a sincere voice, “I don’t understand you either.” He went on as he could see the violinist frowning, “What do you want from me?” “What do you mean?” Ethan knew that the three little words would be the perfect answer, since Justin could never resist them, so he added, “I love you.” “It won’t work this time, Ethan. I’m tired of this shit.” Justin answered calmly. “What do you want to hear?” Ethan sounded desperate now. “Fuck that. Don’t say what I want to hear; tell me the truth instead, only this once!” The disappointment in the blond’s voice was clearly noticeable. “Why do you say that? I’ve never lied to you.” Ethan tried to reach out for Justin, but the boy took another step backwards. “Is that true?” Justin wondered if the violinist would be honest this time. “I’d never lie to you.” Ethan’s eyes were trying to convince the blond with the most innocent look the violinist had ever given. “That’s very nice of you.” Justin said, “Well then, let me ask you again; am I the only one for you?” Ethan didn’t know what this little play was good for, but he wanted to get over it very soon, “I told you; there’s no one else.” Justin sighed and shook his head lightly, “We’re not making any progress here, Ethan.” With that, he turned around to leave but the violinist grabbed his shoulder and turned the blond to look him in the eye again. Ethan got really impatient and embarrassed now; as long as he didn’t know what Justin was talking about, and what Justin might actually know, he was unable to defend himself. “Would you mind telling me what the fuck is wrong with you?” He sighed and went on, trying to change tactics and getting emotional, “This is not you, Jus. What happened to my wonderful, devoted boyfriend who trusted me unconditionally?” Justin gave his ex a questioning look and answered, “I’ve got some bad news for you Ethan. This is the real me.” Justin looked down at Ethan’s hand, which was still holding his arm firmly, and added in a threatening voice, “Get your hand off of me.” Ethan pulled his hand away reluctantly and watched the blond as he headed toward the door. “Don’t do this Jus, please. You can’t leave this way.” His weak voice made Justin turn around again. “Got to go. Otherwise you won’t be able to…” Justin stopped for a second then spoke again, emphasizing every single word meaningfully, “…be a nice boy.” Ethan took a short breath but didn’t let it out. He held it desperately, not sure of what Justin had on his mind. The blond set his ex-boyfriend’s doubts to rest as he added with a wrecking look, “…let alone keep the bed warm.” After a few seconds of awkward silence Ethan got himself together and acted like he didn’t know what Justin was talking about, “What?” His shaky voice told the blond that he wasn’t so sure of himself anymore. “Next time you want to win someone back, don’t forget to shuffle the giveaways out of sight.” Justin watched Ethan intently, waiting for his reaction. When he realized that the violinist was not going to say a single word he decided to help him out, “Your little love note on the fridge Ethan. Are you still telling me that I’m the only one for you?” Ethan started to stammer incoherently, “That’s…that’s not what you think Jus…it’s just…I can explain.” “I don’t want to hear your fucking excuses Ethan. Besides, it’s impossible to talk yourself out of this situation, even for you. So you might as well save the effort.” “No Jus, you don’t understand…” Ethan tried again. “You’re right, I don’t understand. I don’t understand why you’re trying to win me back when you have Darren. He’s the perfect partner for you. A brilliant musician, a self-assured jerk, who understands you better than I ever could. I’ve always suspected that it was not only music that connected you two.” Justin stopped then added sarcastically, “God, what an exciting foursome; you, him and two violins.” “There’s no need to be jealous, Jus. He doesn’t mean anything to me.” Ethan hoped that Justin was only being jealous; that maybe the blond did love him after all. Darren was fun to fuck sometimes, but he wasn’t the boyfriend type Ethan wanted to have. Besides, Darren was a violinist himself, and Ethan was sure that rivalry would be stronger than love. Ethan needed someone who gave themselves to him utterly, whom he could lean on and who supported and admired him, and took care of everything he didn’t want to take care of. Someone, who would have done anything for him, someone, he could take pride in. Someone exactly like Justin. He needed the blond. “Don’t flatter yourself Ethan; I’m not jealous at all. You can fuck the entire philharmonic orchestra for all I care, just leave me alone.” Justin turned around and put his hand on the door handle. “Maybe I wasn’t completely honest, but you weren’t either.” The accusing tone in Ethan’s voice made the blond turn around again. Now it was Justin who frowned and listened. “You said you left me because you weren’t happy anymore.” Ethan said nervously, with his arms crossed. “That’s true.” Justin answered, and hoped his voice sounded as calm as he wanted it to. “You also said there wasn’t anyone else. But…I have a feeling that you left me for another guy.” Ethan finally said out loud what had been eating him since the day Justin had left his apartment. It would have been so easy to tell Ethan everything about Brian. It would have been the easiest way to hurt his unceasingly growing self-esteem and cause him enormous pain. ‘Yes, there’s someone else; yes, he was fucking my brains out from time to time while we lived together; yes, he was fucking me so hard that I could feel him inside of me even days later; yes, the slightest movement of his was enough to make my dick rock hard; and yes, he made me come in ways you wouldn’t believe, and you sure as hell would never be able to do. Not in a million years.’ This is what Justin really wanted to say to his ex. But after a few moments of hesitating he realized that if he admitted that he’d cheated on Ethan, just like Ethan had cheated on him, it would have meant that Justin was no better than him. He covertly enjoyed the painful and helpless look on Ethan’s face and he liked to be the ‘offended’ one; the one who could leave with dignity. Besides, Brian was history now, so there was no point in revealing that the man he’d left Ethan for had kicked him out instantly. And the thought of Brian making a move on Ethan wasn’t helping either, so Justin thought the best thing would be to keep his mouth shut. “Not that it’s any of your business Ethan; but there isn’t anyone else.” Justin answered finally and opened the door. Ethan just stood there, his chest rising and falling in an erratic way, his eyes blinking nervously. He swore he’d find out who that mysterious person was, he just wanted to know. Justin was lying, he was sure of that, he knew him well enough to notice that. He wouldn’t have cared whom the blond had left him for, if Justin would have gone back to him tonight; but now, he just couldn’t let him get away with it. Ethan could feel his heart throbbing in his throat when he saw Justin turning around again. Maybe he’d changed his mind? “I almost forgot…” Said the blond and walked towards Ethan. The violinist gave the boy his best remorseful look, but Justin passed him by and stepped to the table to pick his books up. Then he stepped out the door and looked back. “Please don’t call me again.” He said quietly and closed the door behind himself. Ethan stood in the middle of the apartment, wondering what he had done wrong; why had this evening ended this way? This was not what he’d planned. Fucking note, he should have discarded it days ago. Justin was his. He wouldn’t let anyone else have him. Justin stepped onto the street somewhat relieved, finally being totally aware of what a jerk Ethan was. He swore he wouldn’t believe a single word of his any more; that’s if he would meet him again at all. He just felt so empty; wasting so much time on someone who’d been lying to him all the while. God only knew if there had ever been a true word coming out of the violinist’s mouth. As he was walking down the street, he relived his previous conversation with Brian. The man had hurt him so much, but at least he’d been honest. Justin’s body started to tremble at the thought of him, he could almost smell his special scent in his nostrils, could almost hear his voice in his ears, the voice which always made him shiver, and he wished Brian had been there with him, holding him tight, keeping him warm. But since he was alone in the street at that late hour, he wrapped his arms around his books and hurried home. *************************************************************************** Five days had passed and Justin felt lonely like never before. He tried hard not to think of Brian, he wanted to erase all memories which had something to do with the actor, but it just seemed to be impossible, since Brian had visited him every night – in his dreams. Whispering sweet, dirty words in Justin’s ear, kissing the boy’s lithe body all over, pulling him close, holding him tight. Making love to him gently and slowly, fucking him senseless, so hard, so fast. Each morning Justin woke up and could feel tears forming in his eyes, realizing the loss; that it had been just another wonderful dream. Lying on the sofa in endless self-pity, smoking the umpteenth cigarette that day, listening to a brilliant but quite depressing Massive Attack album he heard a knock on his door. He didn’t respond but the door opened anyway, and he could see Daphne peeking inside. “Justin.” She said somewhat diffidently but with a strange smile on her face. Justin didn’t say a word, just looked at the girl without much interest. “Um…you have a visitor.” She said, smiling wider. “I told you I don’t want to see anyone. Tell them I’m not at home.” He said and took another long drag from his cigarette. “Well, you better be.” She said excitedly and winked. She looked behind herself then turned back and whispered, “Get yourself together for fuck’s sake! It’s Brian!” “What?” Justin got to his feet immediately, looking around in his room nervously. “Fuck! What does he want?” Daphne shrugged and grinned like an idiot. “Okay. Okay.” Justin spoke to himself quietly while trying to focus. His heart was beating double time; he could feel butterflies in his stomach, his body shaking uncontrollably. He looked at the girl and mumbled, “Tell him I’ll be there in a minute.” Daphne nodded and closed the door. Justin looked at himself in the mirror and was shocked at what he saw. He simply looked like a mess. No matter what it was that the man wanted, there was no way the blond would let him see him like this. He was looking for some more decent clothes to wear in a hurry, so he put on his black cargo pants and a tight, light blue t-shirt. He looked at himself in the mirror again. ‘That’s better’, he thought, then he ruffled his blond hair a bit. One last glimpse in the mirror, and finally he decided he was ready. ‘What does he want? How does he know where I live? Relax, Justin. You have to play it cool’. He said to himself, then took a deep breath and put his shaky hand on the door handle.
Quote: W. Shakespeare: Hamlet Thanks to all of you for reading and reviewing! It means so much to me! :)